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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Intended to visit the Dowager for an overnight stay on our way home from The Intrepid Miss S and SiL, staying 24 hours max. 48 hours later, following one hospital admission, one visit from the early-release respiratory support team, and enough meds to keep a small African country supplied indefinitely, Mr S has fled and abandoned me to my role as geriatric nurse. Hell's teeth, I don't even want to be an ordinary nurse! ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif) specially not an unpaid one.
But ... the Dowager needs me (though if she asks me One More Time what the peak flow meter is, I swear I shall scream!) so here I am, working the nebuliser and organising the tablets, coaxing her to eat, asking her not to refer to the lovely visiting respiratory nurse as That Woman ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) and praying for patience!
Yesterday, while the Dowager was still in hospital, we blitzed the kitchen - the fridge, the cupboard doors, the oven doors - whatever you cleaned made the rest look worse! In the normal course of events I wouldn't even have noticed, but when you're around a little longer you tend to notice more ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Now she's home I have to be more circumspect - she hates me cleaning things, but my view is, better I see it and do something about it, than her friends see it and think she's a slob
Ah well, it'll be my turn soon enough, I daresay. Thanks for letting me rant ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
Mrs. S, smelling ever so faintly of bleach
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope you manage to get the Dowager back on her feet without too much loss of sanity or patience, Mrs S. Will this put the kibosh on her cruise or is it too early to tell?
My mum seems OK back in her own home after her operation which is good. I've decided that I'm not going to fret anymore when she seems unable to talk about the things I want to talk about and take my lead from her. As a resolution it probably won't last long....
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
Real Life intervened....
re: Taxis and ancient relatives
T'would be fabulous if someone in the nearby villages decided to become a taxi driver!
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
And are you in any case the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Of course
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
And are you in any case the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Of course
Me too - that's what happens when you're 1) the eldest and 2) the only daughter!
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Mrs. S, ever so slightly resentful
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
And are you in any case the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Of course
Me too - that's what happens when you're 1) the eldest and 2) the only daughter!
Mrs. S, ever so slightly resentful
Or, in the case of me and my partner, the only ones in the country (although I fulfil eldest and only daughter as well).
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
The Dowager: Of course, there's never anything on the television these days.
Me: No, you're right there. Do you ever watch a DVD?
The Dowager: No - I have heaps of them- I know I should - but there's usually something on the telly to keep me entertained.
Mrs. S - ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif) ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
How's your mum getting on Mrs S. ANy chance of you going home soon.
My mum had an appointment at the hospital yesterday. Partly a check up sfter the cataract operation, but partly to look at her bad eye. SHe's been told they will not give her any more injections in that eye as they won't do any good. She thinks this is a ploy on behalf of the NHS to save money. I spent quite a while on the phone last night telling her I thought there were probably good clinical resasons for the decision. She doesn't want to accept that, understandably as it means she will probably go blind in that eye.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thanks Sarasa, Mr. S is on his way to collect me. ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif) I can tell she's much better as she is getting more argumentative/feisty!
It did put the kibosh on the cruise, sadly, but I think this has put the frighteners on her so she's more likely to call for the ambulance if things get really bad, rather than waiting around for the surgery to open the next morning
She wrote me a cheque this morning for what I'd spent (for the new washing machine, primarily) and made it out to me in my maiden name. I've only been married 40 years - it just goes to show that she is seeing me as her daughter first and foremost!
Ah well, home tonight ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
The Relieved Mrs. S
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Bad evening tonight. Partner visiting mil, who asked 5 times when she was going to get out of the rest home. Followed by, "I have six children, you'd think one of them would take me in."
When I picked partner up, she was still seething.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
(((APW and partner)))
I spent a week with my Mum, and by the end I knew she was getting better because she was getting stroppy There is no way on this earth she could actually live with any one of the three of us!
Mrs. S, sympathising
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
The depth of mil's fantasy world has been obvious for years, well before she went into the rest home. Where I would have posted on the Difficult Relatives thread then, its much sadder now, as she's oblivious to the necessities of her body - can't walk, can't feed herself, can't do even basic self-care.
Can still guilt-trip her youngest daughter like a pro. There's a reason 5 of her children moved overseas or hundreds of miles away.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
So it's 8.30 am on a cold, damp and miserable Monday morning, and Mr S and I are slobbing around in our dressing gowns, having our first cup of coffee. Landline rings, so we ignore it, thinking it's the Honorary Curate (well into his eighties) whinging about his computer. It's the Dowager - 'Oh what a terrible start to a Monday morning' sounding like Cassandra.
Me (picks phone up) Mum! whatever is the matter? are you all right?
Mum: I still can't get the computer to do anything and it keeps telling me people may be trying to steal passwords and credit card number...
Me: but you never use a credit card on there, so that's not a problem!
It took half an hour to establish that she had no internet connection, and probably another 15 minutes to get her to reboot the router ('what's the router?'), at which point everything worked again and Mr S and I had our nerves utterly shredded.
Once it was sorted, she just kept laughing (irritating me yet more), but till then it was all disaster. I never signed up to be a geriatric nurse still less do geriatric telephone IT support!
The trouble is that she panics, and then she is desperately impatient and won't wait a moment for something to open, or close, and you have to repeat a million times what an icon looks like (once you've got her back on the desktop, which is a whole other issue). Why did I ever think that email might provide a less stressed method of communication than the telephone?!
I know she's over 90, which is why this isn't on Difficult Relatives, but oh dear oh dear ...
Mrs. S, wailing and gnashing her teeth ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Sometimes my dad would phone me to tell me he had sent me an e-mail and then we would chat a bit and he'd tell me all the news he'd put in the e-mail!
At first he used to write in all caps until I asked him not to do it as it is seen as impolite - it is also difficult to read!
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
.....It took half an hour to establish that she had no internet connection, and probably another 15 minutes to get her to reboot the router ('what's the router?'), at which point everything worked again and Mr S and I had our nerves utterly shredded.
Once it was sorted, she just kept laughing (irritating me yet more), but till then it was all disaster. I never signed up to be a geriatric nurse still less do geriatric telephone IT support!
The trouble is that she panics, and then she is desperately impatient and won't wait a moment for something to open, or close, and you have to repeat a million times what an icon looks like (once you've got her back on the desktop, which is a whole other issue). Why did I ever think that email might provide a less stressed method of communication than the telephone?!
I know she's over 90, which is why this isn't on Difficult Relatives, but oh dear oh dear ...
Mrs. S, wailing and gnashing her teeth
TeamViewer is your friend here. Although it might be difficult to explain it to her. It is very easy to use and I can recommend it.
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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TonyK
Host Emeritus
# 35
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Posted
Second recommendation for Teamviewer from here.
Of course, it's no use if there's no internet connection...
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Yours aye ... TonyK
Posts: 2717 | From: Gloucestershire | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
TonyK - that was exactly the problem. We have Team Viewer installed - that was the icon I was describing to her in excruciating detail - but as you say if there's no internet connection it's All In Vain *sigh*
Ah well, just await the next catastrophe...
Mrs S, TeamViewer devotee
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
If my mum ever goes back to using a computer, I'll make sure we get that installed. She has a habit of spending a fortune getting people in to fix problems (e.g. her showerhead), that one of the family could do for free.
We went to see her yesterday. In her own home she is a lot easier to get on with than when she's visiting. We cooked her dinenr while she recycled various stories. Her eyesight is a little better after her cataract operation, but she kept on going on about how dark it was when the sun was streaming through the windows.
Hope everyone elses aging P's are doing OK. How is your m-i-l APW and has your mum's health Improved Intrepeted Mrs S.?
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
My Mum's eyesight is so much improved having had both cataracts done that she doesn't need specs at all and has had to buy non prescription sunglasses as everything is so bright. Hope something further can be done for your Mum Sarasa.
Regarding Mr Bee senior's house, we have a house clearance company taking everything out the week after next, and we have an offer to buy. Hopefully the end is in sight.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thanks Sarasa - yes indeed, she is looking more like herself and is better able to walk without supporting herself on the furniture. She also made me a cup of coffee when I went down for E, her best friend's, memorial service on the 29th, and that's the first cup she's made for me in a long long time.
Luckily the service was a delight (even if the rain was torrential). E's grandsons, each in their twenties, gave short tributes which really brought her most vividly to life as she had been before ill-health took hold. We were all completely charmed
Also my brother was there ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif) (no, not the depressed alcoholic, the dependable one) which was lovely for the Dowager and for me; and she met loads of old friends, so that should set her up for a while.
Mrs. S, marvelling at the Dowager's resilience
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
My mother in law died 8 years ago. I had a geranium from her garden. Normally these are annuals here. A miracle plant. But it has now died. The last living connection to her is gone. It probably seems trite to write about it, but it seems significant to me.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
My mother in law died 8 years ago. I had a geranium from her garden. Normally these are annuals here. A miracle plant. But it has now died. The last living connection to her is gone. It probably seems trite to write about it, but it seems significant to me.
I can understand your feelings. My mother who died six years ago, gave me two plants to mind for her when she moved to an unsuitable climate for them. One is a trail of hearts, tge other a Rex begonia. I have moved them three times and they are now settled on my balcony and thriving. I look after them very carefully.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
My mother in law died 8 years ago. I had a geranium from her garden. Normally these are annuals here. A miracle plant. But it has now died. The last living connection to her is gone. It probably seems trite to write about it, but it seems significant to me.
We have a lavender bush in our garden that is known as Bill's lavender. It was given to us by a dear friend who died the day after our housewarming party - he had been very tickled to be invited, even though there was no chance of him attending. Bill's lavender has been replaced a couple of times in the last 21 years, but its still his.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
The Dowager had an unwonted moment of self-awareness yesterday. Having sent Master S a birthday cheque dated 4th December 2015, she observed 'I think I've lost some mental capacity over the last few months'. I was forced to agree with her, but reminded her (again!) that the nurse had told her to expect at least 6 to 8 weeks recovery period after an an 'event' like hers - as long as for a heart attack.
That helped - but she no longer remembers that she was told it
She is also beginning to query the cost of running her car, which she only uses round the village and for the occasional trip to the park-and-ride into town and to the hospital. I know that that money would pay for a lot of taxis, but getting one to come out from town and drive her to church, say - that just ain't gonna happen.
Mrs. S, pondering ...
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Sorry about your MiL's plant No Prophet. Maybe take APW's suggestion and buy a new one in her memory?
I think (in regard's to the Dowager)that one accepts one's limitations as 'normal. I know I'm deaf, but I still can't believe that others can really hear things I can't. My mum is aware that her sight is bad, but still doesn't really realise that means she misses things when cleaning, and is a bit miffed when it's mentioned.
Mum is off on holiday next week, and for the first time ever I'm concerned about how she'll cope. it's not just her eyes, they were bad last year, but she seems a lot vaguer than she did then too. She tends to monopolise conversations, and I can see her fellow travellers might find that a bit waring.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
The Dowager had an unwonted moment of self-awareness yesterday. Having sent Master S a birthday cheque dated 4th December 2015, she observed 'I think I've lost some mental capacity over the last few months'. I was forced to agree with her, but reminded her (again!) that the nurse had told her to expect at least 6 to 8 weeks recovery period after an an 'event' like hers - as long as for a heart attack.
That helped - but she no longer remembers that she was told it
She is also beginning to query the cost of running her car, which she only uses round the village and for the occasional trip to the park-and-ride into town and to the hospital. I know that that money would pay for a lot of taxis, but getting one to come out from town and drive her to church, say - that just ain't gonna happen.
Mrs. S, pondering ...
If she has been given anaesthetic then there is a good chance that the anaesthetic is causing the forgetfulness. They give a drug to stop you remembering what has gone on but for the over eighties this quite often causes long-term memory problems.
With my father, these lasted weeks, with a friend the result seems to be permanent although there is ever so often some improvement.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thanks Jengie, but no anaesthetic was involved. I think and hope that she will recover most if not all of her brain and lung capacity; it's hard to balance reassurance with being realistic about these things.
Mrs. S, glad to see the Dowager improving ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Just an update to say that I took the Dowager out to lunch to celebrate her 91st birthday. She looked, breathed and walked much better than even three weeks ago
Then had a happy afternoon de-cluttering *MORE* paperwork, but glad to be able to help ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Mrs. S, feeling better
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
Just an update to say that I took the Dowager out to lunch to celebrate her 91st birthday. She looked, breathed and walked much better than even three weeks ago
Then had a happy afternoon de-cluttering *MORE* paperwork, but glad to be able to help
Mrs. S, feeling better
Excellent!
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Well done Mrs. S. (and happy birthday to the Dowager)!
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thank you all!
I was very pleased too, as on Sunday - just as the band were trooping into the vestry to pray before the evening service - I received this e-mail from her -
I had a load of trouble last night and it's only a little easier now, I don't know what my car will cost me finally, but I know I don't want to be without it. I was lost.
Well, luckily I knew she'd spoken to Mr. S and Miss S that very same 'last night', but I worried all through the service. Turns out the laptop had hung so I had to say to her, please tell me what trouble it is, so I know how worried to be!
Mrs. S, bearing up
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I'm impressed that your mum texts you Mrs S, even if the message has you worried. Even when she could see well enough to do it, my mum never quite understood her phone so never could send or receive texts reliably.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Ah no, Sarasa, that was an email. I'd love to be able to use text messages, but the Dowager's mobile is hardly ever turned on!
I am desperately trying to ensure that there is another way to reliably contact her, other than using the landline - but it doesn't always work, sadly.
Mrs. S, becoming (reluctantly) expert at telephone IT support
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope everyone's parents are doing as well as they can.
My mum is coming to spend the weekend and we've planned lots of activities so it should be fun. I'm a bit concerend from a couple of things she's said that her eyesight has taken a turn for the worse (from very bad) over the last couple of weeks. I'll check her out at the weekend, but I'm wondering when my brother and I will have to start insisting about her either moving or getting help in.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
for all that, Sarasa!
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
We had a good weekend with my mum. However it has left me in a quandary. Her sight is very bad (she thought a buggy coming towards her was a car, we were in a park at the time), though I do sometime wonder that if she is with people she lets them do the 'seeing' as when I asked her she could read the arrivals board at the station she could read the top line. She very easily gets in a muddle and things get lost and misplaced all the time. I guess most of that is due to her eyes, but she does tend to get stuck in a groove of telling the same stories all the time.
I am in a dither as to whether to start pushing her about moving into accomodation with more support. She really hates the idea, but I think soon she isn't going to have a choice. There is then the dilemma about somewhere near where she lives or somewhere near my brother or I. I think the former, my brother inclines to the latter, so more family dynamics to throw in the mix - added to which my brother isn't actually answering the emails, facebook messages etc I've been sending him!
As it's the school holidays I'm goign to go oevr and vsiit once a week and see how the land lies.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
We had that dilemma with my dad; at the moment he's in the local authority old people's home in the town where he's lived for the last 50 years. My sister and brother (who have joint welfare powers) had considered moving him to Edinburgh, where they both are, but as it is, he's being visited by friends and former colleagues who sometimes take him out for a drive, and if he was in Edinburgh he'd probably only see the family once a week or so (and nobody else, as he doesn't know anyone else there).
Just my 2p - obviously your mum's situation might be quite different.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
There wa sa lot of talk from my brothers about dad going to live with one or the other - I was on dad's side and anyway he liked Liverpool for a visit and to see the opera but he'd have hated living there. In the end he spent a bit of money buying services and stayed on quite happily in his own home surrounded by his friends. I forget the piece of research now but there is something somewhere that I read way back when I was in the game that if you move older people forcibly 50% will be dead in 6 months.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
I agree with ww; back in the 70s my mother wanted to move in with me, as she wanted to be somewhere where her declining health would be able to be looked after. I told her that she would be better off staying in her own town, where she had tons of friends, knew all the shopkeepers and could nip out to bingo and stuff. She didn't like that, but in the end she was much happier and died locally visited til the end by everyone in town. 11 years on.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Every time I call the Dowager she has a new problem (I'm sure you all know how this one plays). Wednesday's was that she had three parties to go to and two of them clashed (now that I can live with).
However her skin is so fragile that she only has to look hard at it to get a bruise; she has a potentially cancerous area on her leg, which needs a biopsy; and she said very sadly 'I just want to know, how long before I can stop this endless back-and-forth to the doctor and the hospital?' I had to bite my tongue NOT to say 'When you're in your box, Mum!' but managed just to sympathise. She's run out of patience with being old.
Mrs. S, sympathetic but unable to offer a solution ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Thanks for all your thoughts on my mother. I'm going to try and at least get her to think about getting in more help. I agree that staying where she is is probably best. One thing that struck me, which I hadn't realised till I spoke to my mother in law this week is that mum is probably depressed. My MiL has various health problems and was phoning to let me know about the latest. Though a lot of the conversation was on that, we also chatted about loads of other things and it was a two way dialogue My mum tends to only want to talk about what is happening with her. I think I've only just twigged this, as my mother always used to look on the bright side of everything, and had a mother who had more than enough real tragedy in her life to sink most people, but who carried on cheerfully despite it all.
Hope the Dowager resolved her party problem. Is she less confused than she was a few weeks ago?
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, that's exactly how Mum is - very much centred on herself and mostly not very interested in the rest of us. For instance, I was trying to cheer her up and said 'Come on, you want to live to be a great-grandmother, don't you?' to which she made some very non-committal reply, more or less to the effect of 'Sod having great-grandchildren, what am I going to do about my skin?'
Back to your DM, Sarasa - I'm determined the Dowager should stay where she is since I think even a voluntary move would finish her off; and besides, I don't want her to leave her friends (of which she has a LOT) to depend entirely on us.
Luckily she knows what the maintenance charges on a retirement flat are likely to be - 'Mum, you can buy a lot of gardening for £700 a month!' and thank you Sarasa, she is a lot less confused now.
Mrs. S, grateful for the opportunity to vent
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
I am convinced that my father was clinically depressed, and that it was a steady diet of Fox News that was to blame. After years of being assured that the country was going to hell in a handbasket he despaired. We begged him to watch the Nature Channel or something instead.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Just back from a flying visit to my mother, who lives 1000km north of us. A nice side-benefit was that we enjoyed a warmer winter climate - min 10degC rather than max 10degC where we live!
She went reluctantly into an "aged care residence" (i.e. nursing home) in January. The transition was not helped by a "temporary" burst of mental confusion, which had her imagining that she was playing cards half the time and thus talking in Bridge bids, which didn't make much sense to anyone else.
The good news is that she is now much more contented about where she is and no longer longing to move "home". With better food and a cleaner environment, she is actually looking healthier than for some time past. And the mental confusion has worn off, though she is not as mentally sharp as he was a couple of years ago - not uncommon at 92, and (according to her doctor) "definitely not Alzheimers". Also most strikingly, she is actually talking to and greeting some of the other residents, most of whom are like her physically frail but in reasonably good shape mentally.
But we have learnt never to ask her "how are you?" by way of greeting, as her usual response now is "pretty awful; all I want to do is to die!". This reminds us of the wise observation of Mrs S: "what older people don't like is getting old."
Fortunately, we have found it best to simply ignore that response and immediately move to another more immediate and positive subject, like "have you seen these new photos of the grandchildren?". She then cheerfully talks about that instead. This may be one benefit of her short-term memory not being so good as it used to be!
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505
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Posted
Glad you transitioned your Mum into the care she needs, Tukai.
I am just off to visit my 97yr old mother. She is suffering with a lot of kidney pain at the moment, and we are awaiting test results. Of course she does NOT want to go to hospital, undergo procedures or any such stuff, so trying to winkle out of her what her pain levels really are is to have to become Sherlock Holmes. She is doped up to the eyeballs on pain killers but still astute enough to tell her daughter exactly what she wants and doesn't want.
Can't manage to work the call button in her room, but can telephone me!
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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.
Posts: 7080 | From: Canberra Australia | Registered: Oct 2005
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Not my parent, my aunt.
A cousin, who works full time and has to travel for periods of anything up to a month with their work, has persuaded his parent, my aunt, to put her house on the market and move to live in the same town as him: not in the same house, the same town.
This is a move of over 200 miles to a place where my aunt - who is 80 - knows nobody. My cousin has a very limited social circle in the town because (a) they've made precious little effort to expand their friendship group since leaving university, and (b) what social life he has is based around a rugby club 8 miles away.
The house my aunt is being moved into is on a hill, over a mile from the nearest shop, not on a bus route, 3 miles from the health centre, 2+ miles from the local church.
Where she has been living she is within walking distance (200 yards) of a full range of local shops, and the church, and she has a wide circle of friends, and is on a bus route, and belongs to 3 clubs/organisations that give her a regular social life.
When a couple of us tried to reason with our cousin we were told to 'flock off' because it would be easier for him to 'look after' his mother if she were in the same town than a 200 mile journey away.
When we very gently raised the subject with her she burst into tears and said that she didn't want to move but could see it was 'unreasonable' to expect her child to go to her, rather than the other way round. In fact, he's limited visits to a maximum of 3 per year: Christmas, her birthday plus one other from time to time.
Now my aunt faces the move within 6 weeks and is increasingly tearful and upset at the prospect.
I'm having a meeting with two other cousins early next week to see if we can help in any way, but the cousin who's causing the upset is adamant that she's his mother and its up to him what happens to her; he threatens that if we 'interfere' he'll walk away from any future involvement and leave her future care up to us.
Watch this space.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
l'organist
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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