Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
for l'organist.
We have the opposite problem; mother-in-law is about 2.5 hours travelling time away, which is just about doable as a day trip but not on a daily or weekly basis. She's lived in the same house for over 30 years, has a lot of friends in the area (though many of them are too old and frail themselves to visit her now) and we're trying to leave her there for as long as possible because she has dementia and doesn't feel comfortable anywhere else. Next week we have arranged for her kitchen to be replaced and I am going to have to spend the week there, reminding her every ten minutes or so why the workmen are pulling her kitchen cabinets to pieces. I think getting used to having a new kitchen is as much upheaval as she can cope with for a while.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
L'Organist - I can understand why your cousin might think it's better if his mother lievs near him, but he seems to have arranegd the move with little regard to what she actually wants. Is it too late for her to call a halt to this, at elast for the time being? I went to visit my mum last week. In her own environment she is much more together than she is when she visits us here, though for 87 she is doing amazingly. Next week she has an eye appointment, and I am wondering whether going with her might be useful, as I can then 1. talk tot he consultant and 2. talk to her friends who take her about what they think about her general stae of health etc. My brother seems to have given up being in contact with either me or her, which considering he was pushing her to move nearer him, isn't good.
-------------------- 'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by L'organist: he's limited visits to a maximum of 3 per year ...
200 miles isn't such an onerous distance these days, and I suspect that your aunt would be better off in the environment she knows and loves and only see your cousin occasionally than be uprooted and spend most of her time seeing nobody at all.
It's the same principle my siblings are finding with my dad. It was suggested that he be moved to a home near them, but he's much better off where he is, being visited regularly by friends and occasionally by family as and when we can get there. (FWIW my sister manages to visit him about four times a year, a distance of 300+ miles involving either a ferry or a flight).
that you and the rest of the family can make your cousin see sense.
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The survival rate for transplanted elderly people, particularly moved against their will, is pretty dire.
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
That's why we are trying to avoid it.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Piglet: I agree, the ideal solution is that aunt stay where she is an he go and see her, perhaps even consider a greater number of visits.
But his answer is that he's been making the journey for 25 years (ever since his father died) and its now his 'turn' to be able to say enough. The bottom line is that if she stays where she is he's saying he won't go to see her.
One positive is that her house hasn't sold so if she decides to stay put she will have a roof over her head: but on the negative side, if she doesn't move there is every likelihood her only child will refuse to go to see her.
What me and two cousins are likely to try and broker is our preparedness to arrange to go and see her and being available to take her to him for Christmas, if that is ever on offer. But my aunt is very much in thrall to this child - as an only he was thoroughly spoiled - and it wouldn't come as a huge shock if he decided never to see his mother again. At the moment he is talking about her 'crossing' him if she decides not to move, which doesn't bode well, especially given the family tendency not only to bear grudges but to feed them.
One thing I have discovered today is that she hasn't given him Power of Attorney which, given the situation, can only be a good thing.
-------------------- Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
That does seem like a good thing, and the longer she can "withhold" it (is that the right term?) the better.
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Could she give Power of Attorney to someone else, if it comes to that? It doesn't have to be your next of kin, just someone you can trust to look after your interests.
What a horrible situation to be in.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I do hope your cousin and his mother can reach a solution that suits both of them, L'Organist.
-------------------- 'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Question
Anyone know where you can get a non-internet enabled word processor?
Basically something with the functionality of a Amstrad PCW and NOTHING more.
Seriously the internet is bothering my Dad so much that he wants to give it up but still wants word processing capabilities.
Jengie
-------------------- "To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
It should be possible to go into the setup and click the Work Off Line button.
-------------------- Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
My youthful, healthy, vivacious mother has told me she's in love with a man she's been seeing for only a month. Am in shock.
-------------------- "Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple." — Woody Guthrie http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Ferijen
Shipmate
# 4719
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Posted
Eek Tree Bee. How long has she known him? There's been similar in this family, with widower announcing his engagement on late wife's birthday, less than 18 months after she died.
Posts: 3259 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
@TB - In love is great - it makes you feel alive. What she does about it is another matter altogether.
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Congratulations to your mother TreeBee, have you met him yet? My mother in law has been going out with someone for the last four years and it has really added to her life. She has limited mobility but as he had a car they do get out places and they enjoy holidays together too. They decided that they wouldn't live together as they both like their own places too much, and they try and keep their relationship separate from family life - I've never met him yet, though family member who live nearer have.
-------------------- 'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
As to your mother's new beau, Tree Bee, much as you probably felt that your love life was your business, so, too, is your mother's love life her business. A wise daughter would stay out of it.
-------------------- Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Uncle Pete: As to your mother's new beau, Tree Bee, much as you probably felt that your love life was your business, so, too, is your mother's love life her business. A wise daughter would stay out of it.
Yes, this is my thinking too. But Mum so wants my blessing, and no, I haven't met him. She's known him about 2 months. It's the speed of this new relationship that concerns me. We will visit next month and hopefully will meet him then.
-------------------- "Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple." — Woody Guthrie http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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The Kat in the Hat
Shipmate
# 2557
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Posted
Jengie - our church computer has word installed, isn't connected to the internet, and works fine.
-------------------- Less is more ...
Posts: 485 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Jonah the Whale
Ship's pet cetacean
# 1244
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Posted
I just got an email from my Dad. It's his first ever email at the age of 86 so it looks like he is finally getting online. My stepmother is quite savvy so it's not like I couldn't get things to him digitally, but I consider it quite a breakthrough.
Posts: 2799 | From: Nether Regions | Registered: Aug 2001
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Well, my cousin and I went to see our aunt last week and we had a good time. After a very good meal we led the discussion to her impending move and the floodgates opened!
Transpires the whole thing has been (as I'm afraid I suspected) imposed on her by her darling son, who has told his mother that unless she moves he will no longer be able to get to see her unless she goes to him.
So, other cousin and I eventually got the chat around to how much she really enjoys seeing her son: transpires not a lot, since he spends all his time lecturing her on her 'extravagance' which he considers 'selfish' since he will be in no position to pay for her care 'as and when you're too far gone to be on your own' (I told you he was a real charmer).
She doesn't want to leave her friends, doctor, etc; and money is not an issue since, if she chooses to downsize (and she'd quite like to) there will be plenty to cover her needs.
Now we're trying to formulate how to tell her son, my swine of a cousin, that this time he can't bully his mother into doing what he wants.
-------------------- Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Good luck, L'Organist - you may need it. He does sound like a bit of a plonker - I hope you can make him see sense.
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope your aunt manages to stand up to her son and do what she wants. it sounds sensible if she downsized to something near where she already lives, and spends her time and money enjoying herelf with her friends rather than doing what her son wants.
-------------------- 'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
My only warning is for her to keep hold of her finances. If he gets control of her funds, she is toast. OTOH going bare is unwise as well. Have her set up a power of attorney with someone who will be her advocate.
-------------------- Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I think I need to chat to mum and my brother when we all meet up tomorrow about power of attorney etc. Mum is still pretty together when it comes to managing her finances, but her poor eyesight means she is finding simple things more and more difficult. Another thing I want to discuss is the services offeed by RNIB and how helpful they may or may not be for her. Mum is still talking about replacing her computer. I pointed out that as she can't read the high visability keyboard we bought her, it is unlikely she would be able to cope with a computer, however it was set up.
-------------------- 'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
RNIB were brilliant with my dad, they came up with all sorts of helpful stuff.
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Had my aunt on the blower yesterday: she'd had a brainwave which she wanted to report.
She took the plunge and took the (female) incumbent into her confidence at the weekend, and also asked her if she would go with her to her GPs; at the meeting with the doctor, he confirmed that she was mentally fine, physically good and said there could be no question of her not knowing her own mind.
Accordingly she's now set up a Power of Attorney with my other cousin (not her child) who happens to live within half-an-hour of her. When all of that is done she'll tell her dear son.
In the meantime, she's stalling about the house going on the market or moving, saying she has masses of clearing out to do and can't even think it is likely to be finished before Christmas at the earliest.
-------------------- Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Well done, L'Organist's Aunt!
That's great news, and even better that she's found someone she can trust as her attorney.
Wishing her well for explaining it to her son ...
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I echo what Piglet said - brilliant!!
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
So pleased for your aunt L'Organist. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she breaks the news to her son. We went to see my mum at my brother's today. They have a demanding six year old so it was tricky to have meaningful conversations, but my brother and I went for a quick walk while everyone else headed to the pub, and I think we have a bit of a strategy forming. Mum is still going on about spending £4,000 on a computer she doesn't need and couldn't see.
-------------------- 'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
She won't tell him on her own: 3 of us have said we'll be with her. At the moment the plan is to invite him to a lunch somewhere swanky (he'll go if he's not paying) and then do the deed afterwards. In the meantime, the aunt seems to have lost 5 years and is getting quite feisty!
-------------------- Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
L'organist's Aunt
Huia
-------------------- Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Good on her for taking control. She sounds as though she'd fit right in with my mum and aunties.
-------------------- Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Good for you, La Tante de L'organist!
The Dowager continues to be feisty also - her new neighbour at the back of her house tried to get her to agree to his placing a new fence on her side of the ditch, rather than his. His excuse? 'But you have so much garden, and I've only got a little bit'. She didn't want to fall out with him but had to explain quite forcefully that the ditch remained in her garden. Why he didn't offer to buy some of it, instead of trying to half-inch it, I'll never know
Additionally, A Well-Known Insurance Company Offering To Insure the Elderly is still doing absolutely f***-all about progressing her insurance claim from the end of May (she had to cancel a cruise). Every time I go there, I phone them (she has to be there, or they won't speak to me) and they promise faithfully to DO something - last time it was a female and I hope she really does action this or it'll be another of my famous Complaint Letters to their Chief Exec
And just to round things off, she had to have Something removed from her leg on Tuesday - luckily I was able to go down and take her/bring her back, even though the letter they sent her* clearly said she could drive herself after the 'procedure', she mustn't drive for 10 days. I hope it heals cleanly, her skin is so thin that it won't be easy.
* which luckily she hadn't read!
But in other news she is much less confused and easier to be with, though coming home from the hospital to watch Holby City wasn't my idea of fun!
Mrs. S, who never wants to be 91
-------------------- Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny. Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort 'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S: Mrs. S, who never wants to be 91
Be wary of saying this to any medical people. I said it to a dietician last week and she asked if my doctor knew I felt this way (which she does). I had the impression that the dietician thought I might need to be assessed for depression or something. I just thought I was being realistic.
On the other hand it is so good hearing about feisty elderly women. I am in training to be one if I am still alive.
Huia
-------------------- Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My parents live in a cul-de-sac; almost all of their neighbours have been there for years (decades!) so they know everyone.
Mum drives to the nearest shop every morning to buy the paper / milk etc. A couple of days ago as she was returning home at 8.30, she turned into the cul-de-sac and saw two young men walking along coming out. As it's not a through route, she wondered where they'd come from.
She parked in the driveway and as she was taking her shopping from the boot, she saw the two men watching her; they must have turned round as she passed and followed to see which house she was going to.
Dad's car was in the driveway, too, so they would have seen that she wasn't an elderly lady living alone.
She feels they were "casing" her and is unnerved; I'm unnerved too.
I'm trying to think of a plausible reason for two young men to be walking out of a cul-de-sac, then turn round and follow an elderly lady to her home, but I can't.
My parents are sensible about locking doors, and have a burglar alarm.
Should I be concerned about this? Any suggestions?
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
Worth mentioning to your Safer Neighbourhood police team, I would have thought.
Of course the two men could have been entirely innocent: looking to see which properties might be targetted for sales of new driveways or double glazing, for example.
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
I don't know if they've got a safer neighbourhood police team; I'll find out.
Mum reckoned that one was aged 19/20, but the other was wearing a hoodie with the hood up, so she couldn't guess his age. The one with the hoodie was wearing those low slung jeans, which is why Mum took notice as she drove past; she can't work out how someone can walk when the crotch of their jeans is low.
It's the turning round and going back up the cul-de-sac which seems odd. But perhaps they were wondering if she was going into a house which looked in need of something.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
They would be sadly disappointed if they did burgle my parents. Mum and Dad have lots of expensive, top quality stuff - Mum's good winter coat, Dad's highly polished leather shoes, Mum's secateurs, the rose-patterned china coffee mugs, the high-count bed sheets; but absolutely nothing with any resale value whatsoever. I can't think of a single item in their house worth stealing, unless Daniel O'Donnell CDs are worth more than I think.
If anyone is in the market for an extensive and comprehensive collection of cleaning materials, then Mum and Dad's house is the place to burgle; anything else, not so much.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
A work colleague's house was burgled and they even took the toilet paper. The police reckon someone was setting up house on the cheap.
Huia
-------------------- Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
One of their neighbours would spot anyone moving furniture out.
What's worrying me really is their peace of mind, if anyone did break in.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by North East Quine: ... unless Daniel O'Donnell CDs are worth more than I think ...
I suppose if you smashed them into tiny little bits you could make a mosaic or something ...
Seriously though, I hope this was a one-off and nothing comes of it; I can't imagine anything scarier than thinking that someone's watching you with ill-intent.
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan: Of course the two men could have been entirely innocent: looking to see which properties might be targetted for sales of new driveways or double glazing, for example.
Many door-to-door people supposedly selling driveways and double glazing are actually casing the homes to see who's home during the day, or else they're selling supposed driveway sealer "left over from another job down the street," which is actually used motor oil.
-------------------- "...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe." ~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
I'd report it to Neighbourhood Watch and the local police as a matter of course.
The other thing I'd do is buy the parents a couple of those piercing compressed air horns much-beloved by continential sports fans: then if anyone they feel threatened by come to the door (kept on the chain) they can sound that straight off.
-------------------- Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
**bump**
Mrs. S, who may still need this thread to rant on!
-------------------- Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny. Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort 'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
What does one say when one's aged mother's opening lines on the phone are "I'm not well. I just want to die."? I usually just change the subject straightaway to something more positive and not about her, e.g. some happy item about our grandkids (her great grandkids). I have long since learnt not to "greet her" with the standard polite "how are you? " as I know what she'll say.
-------------------- A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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