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Source: (consider it) Thread: Aging Parents
Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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quote:
Originally posted by Tukai:
What does one say when one's aged mother's opening lines on the phone are "I'm not well. I just want to die."?
I usually just change the subject straightaway to something more positive and not about her, e.g. some happy item about our grandkids (her great grandkids). I have long since learnt not to "greet her" with the standard polite "how are you? " as I know what she'll say.

Gosh, how direct! I wonder how the conversation would go if you asked for specifics.
Mr Bee's father always responded "Mustn't grumble" which was likewise a conversation stopper. He kept this up as he obviously deteriorated so we never knew the truth.

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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

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Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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The last year of my Mother's life, when we knew she was in end stages, I had this trouble as well in my weekly telephone call (This was 1987 and the rates were cheaper on Sunday, then) I used to open with Hello, Mother, wait for her to acknowledge me, and follow up with "Just my weekly call to tell you how much I love you" or similar words. We'd then carry on, with her telling me the little things in her life, and me telling her mine, but I always ended up with "Bye, I love you very much"

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Even more so than I was before

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lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456

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quote:
Originally posted by Tukai:
What does one say when one's aged mother's opening lines on the phone are "I'm not well. I just want to die."?
I usually just change the subject straightaway to something more positive and not about her, e.g. some happy item about our grandkids (her great grandkids). I have long since learnt not to "greet her" with the standard polite "how are you? " as I know what she'll say.

Hmmmm..........with my nan, we usually took time to hear her out on that. She loved to talk about what was hurting and what ailments all the neighbours had. Hers were always worse of course.

Thankfully, with a phone call, you can roll your eyes as much as you want or attend to the dusting while you chat. When you are old and hurt, everything is about you. While it isn't easy, fortify yourself before every call with the statement, "I hope I remember this when I am old and I hope there is someone there to just listen to me too."

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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!

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sharkshooter

Not your average shark
# 1589

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quote:
Originally posted by Tukai:
What does one say when one's aged mother's opening lines on the phone are "I'm not well. I just want to die."?
I usually just change the subject ...

When my father, now 85, was able to articulate words and phrases, my response was "I understand." and a hug when he said he wanted to die. He has advanced dementia, following the onset of alzheimer's some years ago. He knew what was coming, as his father had progressed along the same path before him.

We are all praying for the Lord to take him home soon, as he is unable to do anything for himself anymore, and most of the time does not even respond to verbal or physical stimulus. He has been confined to a bed and, via a lifting mechanism, to a chair for months now. He cannot straighten his legs, turn his neck or even chew foods, and has lost a great deal of weight.

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Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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My father (late 80s), does this. I know he is depressed. But his situation is in fact depressing; his complaints of helplessness, deafness, blindness and so on are quite accurate. The doctor suggests antidepressants. I am not sure another medication (on top of the large number he already has to take) is wise.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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L'organist
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# 17338

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Last week I went with two of my cousins to have a meal with a third who is trying to force his 80 year old mother to move 200 miles and threatening not to see her if she doesn't do as he wants (see posts above).

We thought if we offered to pay he would at least meet the rest of us - that much we got right. However, in assuming he wouldn't cause a scene if we met in a public place we were well wide of the mark.

After eating we brought up the subject of our aunt, his mother's, proposed move; before we could even suggest that she was less than happy or that't we'd be more than happy to ferry her to and fro his place - a distance of 200 miles - he just started yelling. It was none of our business (really, we're related to her too and Cousin A sees her at least once a month, as opposed to the twice/three times a year her son manages); she was mentally unstable and her unwillingness to move is a sign of encroaching dementia (her doctor says far from it); he's only doing it to enable her to live within her means (the cousin who lives nearest now has Power of Attorney and is gobsmacked at just how wealthy a widow she is); if she doesn't move she's going to die alone and friendless (she has a wide circle of friends and plenty of younger relatives who visit).

We managed to steer him into the hotel garden and continue there and that was where he delivered himself of an ultimatum: either we three back off and let him get on with forcing her to move (and he includes in that our ceasing to have any contact with her until after it happens) or she becomes our responsibility and he won't see her again even if we drive her to see him. He then stormed off.

Fortunately we'd arranged for her to spend a couple of days with Cousin A and she checked the aunt's answerphone before taking her back - which meant she could wipe out a tape full of vitriol. All she told my aunt was that he wasn't happy and would be in touch with her at some point.

Now we're on tenterhooks to see what his next move is going to be.

Meanwhile, Cousin Bs child got far better A level results than expected and so is going to the university near the aunt and is going to move in with her - paying rent, etc, of course. That will at least answer his "concerns" about her being on her own.

Watch this space!

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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Gosh L'Organist, you've got the plot for a novel there. What is the matter with your cousin? If mine offered to do all that for my mum I'd be delighted, not having a hissy fit.
Tukai - Hope your mother is feeling a bit more cheerfull. I'd agree about actually discussing why she feels so ill she wants to die and then steer the conversation to more positive things.
My mum is trundling along pretty much the same as usualy. Her eyesight is very bad, but she insists she is coping. I'm going to try and persuade her to go on an RNIB course, as what she need is practical help for the day to day, how to put in pin numbers, distingushing a £20.00 note from a £5.00 one. She also seems to be getting a bit more forgetful, but nothing really major. Certainly the election of Jeremy Corben was of great interest to her, and really seemed to perk her up for a while.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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L'organist - my nasty suspicious mind is wondering what financial embarrassment this cousin got has himself into that needs his mother's money to resolve? Because this looks like him being desperate to get his hands on her money for some reason. He probably does know what she's worth, and he's probably hoping for the revenue from the sale of her house for some reason. Because wasn't he going to take power of attorney? And as the chief legatee would possibly feel that helping himself in advance was not a problem?

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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L'organist: being, as I am, a bad person I would have been tempted to say to bad cousin when he was doing his rather histrionic "Do it my way or I'll never speak to my mother again!" -

quote:
That's great! Can you put it in writing for us?
How old is he? He sounds about 7.

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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L'organist
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# 17338

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He's 53 and, so far as we know, doing quite well for himself financially (he gets a 6 figure salary from one of the big consulting firms) and will get a massive pension when he retires.

No, the evidence is more and more that he is just an ultra Scheiße. The latest development (which I've put into Hell on Difficult Relatives) bears this out.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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quote:
Originally posted by Tukai:
What does one say when one's aged mother's opening lines on the phone are "I'm not well. I just want to die."?
I usually just change the subject straightaway to something more positive and not about her, e.g. some happy item about our grandkids (her great grandkids). I have long since learnt not to "greet her" with the standard polite "how are you? " as I know what she'll say.

B
She may be depressed, maybe encourage her to discuss with her GP (also might mean her pain control is not good enough.)

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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L'organist, I've just popped downstairs to look at your post and all I can offer is [Votive] .

What a rotten situation (and what a rotter).

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Penny S
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# 14768

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L'organist, not sure which thread to put this in but it has reminded me of two incidents at the last place I was at.

Firstly, an elderly man who had been moved there to "be near his son", away from all his contacts. The son then moved over the river to Essex, and hardly ever saw him, having got involved with divorce and a new partner. I'm putting "hardly ever" because I can't be absolutely sure he didn't see him at all, though that was the impression I got. He became very lonely, alcoholic, and had to go into hospital to dry out. (No visits, apparently, from son.) He was left alone at Christmas, and wanted me to buy his supplies, including sherry, whisky... I got the ready meals, and saw his priest, who organised parishioners to have him for meals. He entered a decline, went to sheltered housing, couldn't look after himself, and died.

Has the son of your aunt got a partner?

The other thing occurring to me is the very nasty pair of people downstairs who were absolutely convinced that I was doing them wrong, and made my life a misery while they tried to get from me what they thought they were entitled to. That letter you refer to elsewhere has the stench of their sort of missives.

Has the son spent money on the house he intended his mother to live in? Still, he shouldn't lose by putting it on the market, if he has.

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Ethne Alba
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# 5804

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Hmmm... sometimes wealthy people (who are used to money solving their problems throughout a lifetime) can get quite peculiar when an elderly parent is showing signs of getting towards the end of a long life.Visits can tail off as the thought of facing a life withOut the parent looms.

It almost seems as if facing the final end/ the death of their nearest relation is too much to emotionally cope with.

Still, whatever is going on with him, your priority is for now going to be his mother. Best wishes from all reading this, we're cheering you on!

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L'organist
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# 17338

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No, the Sh*t doesn't have a partner - has had a couple of female friends over the years but nothing serious.

His social life, if it can be called that, is largely built around meeting fellow OBs of his school, the rugby club (where he isn't popular) and things to do with his work. Oh, and he used to go to live Top Gear events and things like the motor racing at Goodwood.

On rare occasions when he attends family events if he speaks to any of us at all it is about (a) his car, (b) his job, (c) diatribes along the lines of "the country is going to the dogs": so generally a charmer!

Cousin B's student child has now moved in and so the aunt won't be alone at night.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Penny S
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# 14768

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This might be useful to your aunt and cousins.

Property Alert

It's provided by the Land Registry, and it's free. I'm going to mention it to my friend, as well.

[ 24. September 2015, 10:29: Message edited by: Penny S ]

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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thanks for that Penny S - I'm delighted they are being proactive on this.

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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"I can't go to church, it makes me too sad," says 88 year old. Misses his wife, my mother, and finds church reminds him of her. I get it, but it would be nice to take him with us; the church is ½ block from him but 8 km from us. After 5 years of her gone and moving him back, he finally says it. Maybe he didn't know it before. Don't know.

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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[Frown]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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My first appearance here, although my father is 91.

He is in hospice care at home. I've just formally moved in with him after having lived a block away for years.

Twenty years ago he got prostate cancer. Radiation and hormonal treatment made it abate until about a year ago. It had come back and spread to his bones. An oral chemo slowed down the progression for about eight months. He lived fairly independently until he came down with an infection about two months ago that sent him to the hospital. After a time in a physical rehab facility he came home. my brother has come back to the States to help get the household set up for him. We had a devil's own time getting the family trust arranged so that we could pay bills. (See "Passive-aggressive Notes" in Hell.)

He is on heavy pain meds. This morning at 4AM he shouted for help; he didn't know where he was. In the bedroom that he has slept in for 60 years. In the queen sized bed he has slept in for 40 years. (He refuses to have a hospital bed.) I was able to reassure him and get him centered again.

He probably has a few weeks to live.

Thanks for listening.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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[Votive]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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{{Lyda Rose and your dad}} [Votive]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
{{Lyda Rose and your dad}} [Votive]

Amen [Votive]

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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((Lyda Rose))
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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Amen from me too [Votive] [Votive] [Votive]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Rossweisse

High Church Valkyrie
# 2349

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{{{Lyda Rose}}} [Votive]

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I'm not dead yet.

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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Lydia Rose and her dad [Votive]

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Raptor Eye
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[Votive]

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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Prayer from me too.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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Thank you very much for your prayers.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:

Thanks for listening.

We're listening.
[Votive]

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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[tangent]
Hello Chorister - it seems a while since we've seen you! [Smile]

**waves in the general direction of Cream Tealand**
[/tangent]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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CuppaT
Shipmate
# 10523

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Today hospice was ordered for my dad.

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Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it any longer, draw back a little and have a cup of tea.
~Elder Sophrony

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Palimpsest
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# 16772

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Lyda Rose, my thoughts are with you and your dad.
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Sarasa
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# 12271

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CuppaT and her dad [Votive]

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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quote:
Originally posted by CuppaT:
Today hospice was ordered for my dad.

[Votive]

My dad has gone into a coma.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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More prayer for you both, Lyda Rose.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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[Votive] [Votive] [Votive]
for all.

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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[Votive] For Lyda Rose and her father.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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[Votive] Lyda Rose.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Trudy Scrumptious

BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647

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[Votive] [Votive] [Votive]

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Books and things.

I lied. There are no things. Just books.

Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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[Votive] for Lyda Rose, CuppaT and their respective dads.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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[Votive]

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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Rossweisse

High Church Valkyrie
# 2349

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[Votive]

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I'm not dead yet.

Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
basso

Ship’s Crypt Keeper
# 4228

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Prayers ascending.
Posts: 4358 | From: Bay Area, Calif | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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My father passed away shortly after noon today at home with his family near. He went very quietly without pain or struggle. He was a good man who had lived a good life.

May light perpetual shine on him.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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[Votive] God bless and comfort you and all who love him.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Prayers for all of you.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Lydia Rose - Prayers for your dad and for you and your family [Votive]

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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Lyda *Rose
So sorry for you, but glad that your Dad's end was peaceful - the fact that he could die surrounded by family in his own home will come to mean a lot in the coming months [Votive] [Votive] for you all.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged



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