homepage
  roll on christmas  
click here to find out more about ship of fools click here to sign up for the ship of fools newsletter click here to support ship of fools
community the mystery worshipper gadgets for god caption competition foolishness features ship stuff
discussion boards live chat cafe avatars frequently-asked questions the ten commandments gallery private boards register for the boards
 
Ship of Fools


Post new thread  Post a reply
My profile login | Register | Directory | Search | FAQs | Board home
   - Printer-friendly view Next oldest thread   Next newest thread
» Ship of Fools   » Community discussion   » All Saints   » Aging Parents (Page 19)

 - Email this page to a friend or enemy.  
Pages in this thread: 1  2  3  ...  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  ...  35  36  37 
 
Source: (consider it) Thread: Aging Parents
Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960

 - Posted      Profile for Tukai   Email Tukai   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Mrs T and I visited my 93 yo mother last week in her aged care home , which unfortunately is ~1000km away from our place, and were saddened to see by how much her physical speed (e.g in walking with a "wheeler") had slowed down over the past 3 months. However her mental sharpness, though well down on what it was a few years ago, is still not bad for her age, though she does greet all comers with "I just want to die", despite (or perhaps because) she is in otherwise fairly good health.

As Mrs S put it on this thread about "the Dowager" a few months ago, she just does not like getting old!

--------------------
A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.

Posts: 565 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Who does, Tukai, who does? Not me, for sure.

The Dowager is in good form at the moment, with lots to look forward to next year. Unfortunately this is a bit counterbalanced (for me) with concerns about her driving; she nearly backed out of her garage into my car [Eek!] because I was a bit slow getting it out of the way (!) and yesterday she didn't put the handbrake on firmly enough and it blew across the road (!!!) [Help]

The consequences of losing the car will probably mean she has to move, and heaven knows what that would do to her. I'm hoping we can get Christmas out of the way before anything has to change, as she is really looking forward to us all descending on her, probably for the last time.

Mrs. S, fingers crossed and prayers ascending

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

 - Posted      Profile for Sarasa   Email Sarasa   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
My mother is the same. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago she seemed OK all things being considered, but the conversations since then have got me concerned.
She seems very depressed, which is understandable given how poor her eyesight is. I thought when I saw her she was beginning to find ways of coping with it, but from what's she's said about not finding it easy to cook any more, I'm not so sure. She also doesn't seem to like the plans in place for Christmas, which are a few days with my brother, and then a few days with us at my MiLs. She sounds as though she thinks it is all too much, rather than her usual enjoying going out an meeting people.
We are going over on Saturday to do a few jobs, and I'm going to really push that she gets in a cleaner and starts thinking about moving to more sheltered accommodation. I also think we need to start thinking about power of attorney. She is going to like none of this, which is making me depressed too. She is also getting worried about money, which I think is unjustified. She isn't wealthy but she has an OK pension and quite a lot of savings.
Thank goodness she never learned to drive!

--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1902 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

 - Posted      Profile for Brenda Clough   Author's homepage   Email Brenda Clough   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
For the past five years or so my father has been more or less depressed, insisting that he is going to or wants to die. He refuses to engage with anybody in the assisted living facility he and my mother have moved to, to the point where the other residents ask whether he is mentally competent. My mother meanwhile has dived into the new social milieu and can tell you all about everybody, their health, their grandchildren, where they are from, what they did in their careers, etc.
I don't know what can be done about it. I have suggested antidepressants, but his situation is indeed depressing.

--------------------
Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5470 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960

 - Posted      Profile for Tukai   Email Tukai   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I got a phone call today from her local hospital to say that my mother had been taken there by ambulance with a broken her hip. Surgery (a rod inserted in the bone) is scheduled in the next couple of days.

It seems that despite her best efforts to maintain her leg strength , she had fallen in her room at the nursing home. Although she now uses a wheeler-walker for longer walks, for short walks across the room, she often does not. So it was bound to happen sooner or later.

--------------------
A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.

Posts: 565 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

 - Posted      Profile for Lothlorien   Email Lothlorien   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Prayers for healing for her, Tukai.

--------------------
Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

Posts: 9359 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

 - Posted      Profile for Piglet   Email Piglet   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What Loth said - it's so easy for elderly bones to break, and so debilitating.

[Votive]

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19427 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

 - Posted      Profile for Lothlorien   Email Lothlorien   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Some years ago, my mother fell down the stairs in the middle of the night. She was half asleep and forgot she was going back to bed. She broke her left arm in a couple of places and received some nasty carpet burns as she fell.

She took much longer to heal than the hospital originally had told her. They had not taken her age, 80 something, into account and the slow healing because of that. She was very disheartened at the time she had plaster cast on.

[ 07. December 2015, 06:53: Message edited by: Lothlorien ]

--------------------
Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

Posts: 9359 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

 - Posted      Profile for Sarasa   Email Sarasa   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Tukai, I hope your mother's op goes well. It must be a worry being so far away. My mother in law had something similar couple of years ago (she already had artifical hips so it was more of a dislocation). She seems to have recovered well, which I wasn't sure at the time she would.
Our plans for Christmas involving our two elderly mothers is now organised. My sister in law is picking up my mum a couple of days before Christmas, and we're then picking mum up from my brother's house on the way to my mother in laws. Both mothers are in a flap about the organisation of it all, my mum because of the stuff she has to take, (the presents have been wrapped for the last month) and my mother in law about whether my mum will be able to cope with the stairs and general chillyness of her house.

--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1902 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

 - Posted      Profile for Jengie jon   Author's homepage   Email Jengie jon   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I am at my parents for Christmas. We are due up at my sister's for lunch. Dad is flustered by mobile phones, despite one saving his life a couple of years ago. Mum has dementia. My sister and I are communicating by text. This is totally unnoticed by Mum & Dad.

Thanks be for modern technology.


Jengie

--------------------
"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Walking 18 miles to help Refugees get an education.

Posts: 20587 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
The Dowager, on the other hand - 'why is everyone always looking at their phones?' [Ultra confused]

Poor thing is very confused, to the extent that she couldn't remember her new great-grandson's name *sigh* nor, in fact, what anyone told her two minutes ago - 'is it Sunday today?' [Help] I know she loved having everyone at Christmas, and she didn't have to lift a finger, but she didn't half worry - 'Has anyone made J's bed?' she must have asked us twenty times on Christmas Eve [Eek!] in spite of the fact that he is 17 and had only a mattress, a sleeping bag and a pillow to manoevre into position.

She has been asking for a new mobile phone for months so we arranged for my kids to buy her a really simple one for Christmas, and the aforementioned J spent patient hours with her explaining how to use it [Smile] Sadly I'm sure she now thinks of it primarily as a camera! [brick wall]

And she now has my even older aunt (94) in hospital, and is facing the funeral and memorial service for her old friend (but 10 years younger than her!) the day before the birthday of my deceased alcoholic brother (41 years younger than the Dowager!) [Ultra confused]

Happy days, dear, as Nina Conti's Gran used to say [Smile]

Mrs. S, not as patient as she should be [Help]

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

 - Posted      Profile for Sarasa   Email Sarasa   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Mrs S. I'm joining you in the not as patient as they should be camp. We took my mum to my mother in laws and confusion reigned. They were sitting next to each other at present opening time and I'm not at all sure they got the right presents. My mum has a habit of launching into random stories about me as a young woman that I find very irritating. We fled home early and I'm now feeling a bit guilty about that. The whole thing has depressed me as it has made me realise how much help my mum now needs but she is digging her heels in about having any, and I'm not at all sure how to persuade her to consider more sheltered accommodation, specially when she isn't keen on the idea of a cleaner once a week.
Thinking of all those who lost their parents this year.

--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1902 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

 - Posted      Profile for Amanda B. Reckondwythe     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
The Dowager, on the other hand - 'why is everyone always looking at their phones?'

My question precisely! Bless the dear old Dowager!

--------------------
"We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice." – Charles Manson

Posts: 10238 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Not my sentiments this morning, Miss Amanda. Woken (somewhat hungover) at 9 am by a phone call to say she had asthma and could hardly breathe. I don't know exactly how she always manages to time these things for Bank Holidays and weekends when there is no GP cover, but somehow she does.

'I don't want to go to hospital' is always her plaint, and although I can sympathise - A&E on New Year's Day would not be my idea of fun - what's the alternative? Sit there and wait to die? If she has a chest infection, then just sitting is a great recipe for disaster.

Luckily her neighbour will keep an eye on her and if necessary will persuade her to go. I'm not in a fit state to drive anywhere, let alone 90 miles, so now all I can do is fret.

Happy New Year, everyone... [Mad]

The Churlish Mrs. S

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Rossweisse

High Church Valkyrie
# 2349

 - Posted      Profile for Rossweisse     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
My father is under sentence of death with congestive heart failure; in ICU a few weeks ago, he (rightly) declined both a feeding tube and dialysis. As a result, he was chucked out of hospital into home hospice care with very little notice, but we managed.

Now that he's home with 24-hour care (and oxygen), he's feeling and sounding better. He keeps asking me about his prognosis, and how long he's going to have to live like this. I have tried to explain about his leaky heart valves, and I've told him that he'll have the care for as long as he needs it. (I have not told him he's Officially Dying.)

I thought he understood what was happening, but now I'm not sure. Can anyone who's been down this road advise me on what I should tell him?

Thank you!

--------------------
I'm not dead yet.

Posts: 14651 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

 - Posted      Profile for Lothlorien   Email Lothlorien   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I have no advice for you, Rossweisse, but that is hard news for you both. [Votive]

--------------------
Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

Posts: 9359 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

 - Posted      Profile for Piglet   Email Piglet   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Is there a member of the "care" team who could give you advice? They presumably have experience in dealing with people in your dad's situation, and might be able to help.

Prayers still ascending from over here for both of you.

[Votive]

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19427 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Cranmer's baggage*
Shipmate
# 4937

 - Posted      Profile for Cranmer's baggage*   Email Cranmer's baggage*   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
(I have not told him he's Officially Dying.)

I thought he understood what was happening, but now I'm not sure. Can anyone who's been down this road advise me on what I should tell him?

I'm firmly of the view that people should be told when they are dying. The palliative care/hospice team will have good advice on what forms of words will be helpful. Having to say these things is hard, but it creates the space where the dying person can do or say what they need for their own peace of mind.

Thoughts and prayers for this sad and challenging time.

--------------------
Eschew obfuscation!

Posts: 729 | From: the antipodes | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

 - Posted      Profile for Welease Woderwick   Email Welease Woderwick   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Generally I agree with Cranmer's Baggage* on this and on getting advice from the care team on the form of words. It is his body and he has a right to know.

But it can be a pretty tough conversation to have.

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Jack the Lass

Ship's airhead
# 3415

 - Posted      Profile for Jack the Lass   Author's homepage   Email Jack the Lass   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I had thought it would be some years still before I would need to access this thread, as my mum hits 70 this year and my dad is just a few years older, and they are both pretty fit and well. However, a phone call this morning has me needing to tell, well, someone...

As just mentioned on the Prayer Thread, dad is having some tests about various ailments, but is sure that it's all just ageing and everything is fine really (even if it's not). Mum, on the other hand, who has always been a Grade A1 drama queen (it's where I get it), is convinced that every tiny symptom is the portent of an apocalyptic terminal diagnosis, and will not rest or stop worrying until they're told officially. Yesterday I phoned them to wish them HNY, and also to find out if they are going to be in on a particular day in a couple of weeks (which is their golden wedding anniversary) as I wanted to get something (admittedly unspecified) delivered. We established that they would be at the hospital for more tests in the morning, but would be in that afternoon, and I thought that was the end of it. It turns out that mum spent the whole evening, night and morning worrying herself to tears that I was going to be spending a fortune that I really should save for myself on something that they didn't really want. Dad phoned to ask me to just not do anything as mum was so upset, and I pointed out that what I'd had in mind was a bunch of flowers not the moon. I spoke to mum who did eventually admit that she likes getting bunches of flowers and that would be a nice thing to get on the day, and have hopefully convinced her that I wouldn't dream of doing anything either surprising or big because I know that they absolutely hate that sort of thing. Mum has admitted that what with worrying about dad, the upcoming significant anniversary and her upcoming significant birthday are all combining to get her into a right state (she was the same coming up to 50, but with everything else this time too it's even worse).

My sister (who lives in Germany) is currently away so I'm waiting for her to get back so we can talk about it - she hasn't remembered their anniversary for years (and to be fair I usually forget too, but they never mention it), but I thought they would appreciate knowing so they could send a card and a little something, and my mum would be happy to get that. But I want to give her advance warning when they next speak to mum and dad to prepare for it! There's not a thing we can do till all dad's test results are through (if everything is fine then it will all blow over, if not then at least we can start then to think about what to do), but that will be several more weeks of uncertainty, and I worry that mum is getting herself so spectacularly worked up.

Anyway - I'm not after advice (not now at any rate), but needed to vent! I think I will add 'stop being drama queen' to my new year's resolutions, as it's just so exhausting for everyone else!

--------------------
"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog

Posts: 5756 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
ThunderBunk

Stone cold idiot
# 15579

 - Posted      Profile for ThunderBunk   Email ThunderBunk   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
JtL it sounds like we are in similar positions.

My parents are about the same age as yours, and Christmas was hard work. My mum suffers from arthritis and depression, and my dad refuses to adapt in any way shape or form to the fact that mum can't do as much as either would like. He is constantly frustrated, and takes this frustration out on mum, whom he regards as defective and almost infantile. Meanwhile, mum is terrified of her situation and unable to face it in its fullness sufficiently to do anything about it.

I cannot tell you how frustrated and hurt I felt - hurt probably mostly by identification but nevertheless, the point is that the situation is toxic and I can do nothing about it.

--------------------
Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".

Foolish, potentially deranged witterings

Posts: 2120 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged
Jack the Lass

Ship's airhead
# 3415

 - Posted      Profile for Jack the Lass   Author's homepage   Email Jack the Lass   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Oh that does sound difficult, ThunderBunk. No advice here, but [Votive] for you and them.

My parents at least don't have the frustration dynamic going on (I'd say they're actually both hugely reliant on each other and adapt to the extreme to each other); that must be really difficult to watch and not be able to do much about. The difficulty I have is not being able to get any kind of foothold into my mum's doom-laden thought processes - it doesn't matter what anybody says, until the doctor says 'yea' or 'nay' it's definitely the worst case scenario. It's just exhausting, and I'm miles away.

--------------------
"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog

Posts: 5756 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
ThunderBunk

Stone cold idiot
# 15579

 - Posted      Profile for ThunderBunk   Email ThunderBunk   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
Oh that does sound difficult, ThunderBunk. No advice here, but [Votive] for you and them.

My parents at least don't have the frustration dynamic going on (I'd say they're actually both hugely reliant on each other and adapt to the extreme to each other); that must be really difficult to watch and not be able to do much about. The difficulty I have is not being able to get any kind of foothold into my mum's doom-laden thought processes - it doesn't matter what anybody says, until the doctor says 'yea' or 'nay' it's definitely the worst case scenario. It's just exhausting, and I'm miles away.

That's the bit I missed out. My mum's world can unbalanced as you describe. The difficulty of my parents' situation is that this is then reinforced by my dad's response.


[Votive] for your dilemma. Distance lends its own sheen to these things.

--------------------
Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".

Foolish, potentially deranged witterings

Posts: 2120 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged
Jack the Lass

Ship's airhead
# 3415

 - Posted      Profile for Jack the Lass   Author's homepage   Email Jack the Lass   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Thank you ThunderBunk. It is good to know that people 'get' the situation, and that it's not just me.

I had hoped it would be a while before I needed to start worrying in a more parently way about them, but distance (and, as you say, recognition/identification) doesn't help.

Hmm. In 30 or 40 years I don't want my daughter to be posting this sort of stuff. I can't change them, but I can at least try and change me.

--------------------
"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog

Posts: 5756 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Landlubber
Shipmate
# 11055

 - Posted      Profile for Landlubber   Email Landlubber   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
...

I thought he understood what was happening, but now I'm not sure. Can anyone who's been down this road advise me on what I should tell him?

I agree with others that the care team should be able to advise you, but I would add that you should not be surprised if your father only takes in what he feels able to accept at any given moment - and that could change from moment to moment. In the last few weeks my mother (who has also sensibly given clear instructions about how much treatment she will/will not accept) has veered from talking clearly about her meetings with the hospice team and the plans they propose for her care, recognising that any infection now threatens her life, to deciding she should replace various items of equipment which might soon wear out.

We have found it best just to respond to what she says, day by day.

Which said, she is now in hospital and we all went in to say goodbye only to find her sitting up in bed giving orders the next morning!

--------------------
They that go down to the sea in ships … reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man

Posts: 367 | From: On dry land | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Ferijen
Shipmate
# 4719

 - Posted      Profile for Ferijen   Email Ferijen   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
Thank you ThunderBunk. It is good to know that people 'get' the situation, and that it's not just me.

I had hoped it would be a while before I needed to start worrying in a more parently way about them, but distance (and, as you say, recognition/identification) doesn't help.

Hmm. In 30 or 40 years I don't want my daughter to be posting this sort of stuff. I can't change them, but I can at least try and change me.

Another one who gets it. My parents have a double whammy of being overly prone to exaggerating medical stuff but also having both suffered Big Scary Could Have Killed Them illnesses.

My perspective on this is that their illnesses haven't killed them, their perspective is 'not yet'. So as the date of a check up draws near, they start going into 'but that might not happen if it's bad news...' Etc...

My grandfather is still alive (and in many ways a younger at heart and healthier outlook than my parents). He once said to me 'ah, your Dad has always been good at making funerals' which has helped in my perspective somewhat...

Posts: 3240 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I finally browbeat the Dowager into calling for an ambulance this morning, only by threatening her with death if she just sat there and waited to get better [Mad] - well, she didn't get an ambulance but she got a duty doctor, which is what she wanted all along!

Said doctor left her with a snootful of antibiotics and told her he didn't think it was anything too serious, so we are hoping that will set her on the road to recovery. It just seems to me that this is not sustainable long-term; if we move her it'll finish her, but how can she stay on her own and so dependent on her neighbours? Oh dear ...

The point of this diatribe is only to agree with whoever said they just had to agree with things on a day-by-day basis. Example 'Is there any water in that vase?' 'Yes, it's half-full' 'But it would be such a shame if they were to die when they're so pretty'. I get up, fill the vase to the brim, she's happy. I'm looking for a brick wall! [brick wall]

Mrs. S, praying that her daughter doesn't have to deal with this!

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

 - Posted      Profile for Piglet   Email Piglet   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I think I can sort of sympathise with JtL's mum - it's very easy to almost literally worry oneself sick about medical tests, even though it may enhance the relief when they turn out all right.

A friend of mine used to say "expect the worst, but hope for the best" of situations which could go either way, which struck me as good advice, so long as you can keep sight of the second part of it.

[Votive] that all will be well.

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19427 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Rossweisse

High Church Valkyrie
# 2349

 - Posted      Profile for Rossweisse     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Today the Pater allowed as how he might not drive again - but he's not ready to get rid of the car. That's okay; I don't need to push him. (It's all exhausting, though.)

--------------------
I'm not dead yet.

Posts: 14651 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

 - Posted      Profile for Huia   Email Huia   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Driving was really hard for my Dad to give up. He didn't get rid of the car and often said he would drive again. I was worried I'd have to report him to the police, but he finally realised he wasn't able.

Huia

--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10034 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

 - Posted      Profile for Lothlorien   Email Lothlorien   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
We took MIL's car away. The doctor had her licence cancelled and she was livid.

We were sure she would drive the back way on her daily visit to the club, even unlicensed. She saw nothing wrong with her driving but her reflexes were poor and she had always been a terrible driver all her life. We asked her how she would feel if she caused a death or bad injury. She just shrugged.

Not to mention that she would have no insurance were she to have an accident while driving unlicensed.

--------------------
Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

Posts: 9359 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

 - Posted      Profile for Brenda Clough   Author's homepage   Email Brenda Clough   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
My aged uncle knew he was not supposed to drive. but then one day visiting his son he couldn't resist. He had given his old car to my cousin, and the keys were just sitting there, right? So he hopped in for a spin, and almost immediately got lost. (There was an Alzheimer issue.) Luckily he had the sense to pull over and stay there, only a couple blocks away. His grand-daughter realized what was going on, and when my cousin got him she immediately cried, "Pop-pop went out in the car! We have to find him!" And after scouring the immediate environs they did.

--------------------
Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5470 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

 - Posted      Profile for Firenze     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
It's sad to deprive a person of an aspect of their independence, but their moment of senile inattention could be someone else's life or health.

I'm glad my mother took the occasion of an accident (where she was a passenger) to stop being the designated driver for her acquaintance (Doctor: 'What do you do all day Mrs Firenze?' Octogenarian Mother: 'Augh sure I drive old dears to the supermarket')

Posts: 17239 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

 - Posted      Profile for Piglet   Email Piglet   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
About 6 or 7 years ago my dad had a slight transient stroke and was told not to drive; IIRC he was given permission again (presumably by his doctor), but had another turn of some sort while getting into the car in the hospital car-park after visiting my mum. At that point my sister intervened and (I presume with his permission) took his car away with her the next time she went to visit him*, and my nephew subsequently bought it from him. Dad then had a mobility-scooter for a while until he went into the old people's home.

* The fact that two of her grown-up children were learning to drive at the time had absolutely nothing to do with it ... [Two face]

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19427 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Arabella Purity Winterbottom

Trumpeting hope
# 3434

 - Posted      Profile for Arabella Purity Winterbottom   Email Arabella Purity Winterbottom   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Untreated geriatric depression is a huge problem, specially if its combined with anxiety. I am absolutely convinced my mother-in-law has been depressed and anxious for years (actually, I'll take the anxiety as real, she could win a gold medal in worrying). She lived all her married life in a similar situation to ThunderBunk's mum - belittled and treated like a child at home while still holding down several positions of responsibility within a number of voluntary organisations.

But try and get her to do something about it - no way. And her doctor hasn't shown any sign of listening to our comments on the subject. I hope our generations are better at acknowledging mental illness in ourselves.

--------------------
Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal

Posts: 3694 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

 - Posted      Profile for no prophet's flag is set so...   Author's homepage   Email no prophet's flag is set so...   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Several comments above relate to my nonogenarian father. He had to give up driving because he went blind and my mother died. I learned later that he drove blind with my mother (gone 6½ years now) calling out what to do and colours of traffic lights. I can hardly believe it as I post it. He was able to regain sight in one eye after a corneal transplant.

He had a metre of his large bowel removed for cancer, though no ostomy bag, he's reconnected. He refused all follow-up about it. No drugs/chemo, no scans, nothing. Put his foot down about it he did so. I tried to argue about it but rapidly stopped, and he's apparently fine 4 years later. So he was right apparently.

Got him walking poles for Christmas (ski poles). He has already started walking with 2 others polers where he lives in semi-independent living (they get suppers, cleaning, some planned activities, and bus charters weekly to shop). The cane has never been used. The poles make him feel sporty I think.

--------------------
Maybe I should stop to consider that I'm not worthy of an epiphany and just take what life has to offer
(formerly was just "no prophet") \_(ツ)_/

Posts: 10919 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804

 - Posted      Profile for Ethne Alba     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
My sister and i are finding ourselves now firmly in this situation.
We have found that planning for the worst whilst hoping for the best is indeed, for us, the only way to cope.

It's the rollercoaster ride.
One day or even part of a day there is no response, agonisingly laboured breathing and worrying kindness showered down from the care home staff. Six hours later and my darling mother would like her diary please, what time is her next dose of antibiotics and reminds me about an upcoming great grandchild's birthday!

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804

 - Posted      Profile for Ethne Alba     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
On the flip side....we no longer have to consider whether or not she is safe on the mobility scooter
Posts: 3124 | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
*light relief warning*

I just have to post this NOW while I can remember it. A friend of mine visits the Elderly Mother of another friend, in her care home. Yesterday, MF arrived to find EM reading the cover of a pack of three biscuits (she reads anything with print on - I sympathise with that!)

My Friend: Surely there's something more interesting to read than that biscuit packet?
EM: Well, I've read all the books.
MF: Who are your favourite authors? I'll see if I can get you some of their books.
EM: (unable to think of anyone's name)
MF: Do you like Agatha Christie?
EM: Does she just write books, or does she write biscuits as well?
[Killing me]

MF says she can never tell if EM is serious, or has the sort of sense of humour we share - except that you aren't allowed to laugh!

Made the Dowager's issues pale, temporarily at least.

Mrs. S, still snickering [Killing me]

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

 - Posted      Profile for Welease Woderwick   Email Welease Woderwick   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Brilliant!

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

 - Posted      Profile for Sarasa   Email Sarasa   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I totally get reading the biscuit packets and the problem as to whether it was a joke or not. I once remember my son and husband passing looks between each other when I deliberately pretended to mishear something. Dead pan humour can lead to misunderstandings of that sort.
How are everyone's aged Ps? As usual my mum is fine in her own home, which is why I want her to stay there as long as possible. At the moment she is resisting any attempts by me to get her to have a bit of help. How have others managed to persuade their elderly loved ones that a bit of help with cleaning etc wouldn't come amiss?

--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1902 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804

 - Posted      Profile for Ethne Alba     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
We found that a somewhat blunt " This place stinks" approach worked.....
Posts: 3124 | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I worked that with the Dowager's fridge contents, universally out-of-date.

'It's fine, I'm still eating that'.

'It doesn't smell very nice to me Mum, chuck it out'

At least she *knows* she has no sense of smell or taste...and I'm really glad my brother cooked the Christmas dinner! [Overused]

Mrs. S, constantly playing bad cop

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
24 hours at The Dowager's with Mr. S, possibly summed up by this single line:

'Mum, if you're trying to adjust the volume on the telly, that's the phone you're trying to do it with!'

Mrs. S, at a loss for words [Help]

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

 - Posted      Profile for Piglet   Email Piglet   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
You don't have to be as old as the Dowager to make that mistake ... [Hot and Hormonal]

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19427 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

 - Posted      Profile for Sarasa   Email Sarasa   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
My mother puzzles me, one minute she is being the assertive person I remember from her working life, sorting out workmen, etc. The next minute she is getting all muddled up as to when vey straightforward things are happening.
We went out and had a nice lunch to celbrate the fact that 66 years ago today she was getting married (my dad died shortly before their 50 anniversary). Some very funny stories about the day, though she did spend some time wondering if she should have ever married my dad. [Confused]

--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1902 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

 - Posted      Profile for The Intrepid Mrs S   Email The Intrepid Mrs S   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Sarasa, the Dowager is a bit like that - not worrying about whether she should have married Dad, but changing from almost minute to minute [Confused]

Sometimes it makes me feel like a little girl again, trailing round after her bleating 'but you said ' [Help]

It's really hard to know whether I should just agree with her, as it tells you to in all those rather sickly poems about dementia, or if, when she tells me her friend Elizabeth is 65, I should point out that she is 95 (and four years older than Mum!). My interpretation is that she doesn't want Elizabeth to be older than she is because E. is managing better in many respects!

Mrs. S, amateur psychologist [Cool]

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1360 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

 - Posted      Profile for jacobsen   Email jacobsen   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Not a parent, but my last remaining scandinavian aunt, soon to be 95 and in a rather luxurious care-home in Copenhagen. I popped in to see her
on my way back from visiting relatives in Sweden.

She has dementia and was rather confused, but after a short nap woke refreshed and speaking English! Still confused, mind, but much more comprehensible. And saying that she was "extremely happy". Don't know if that was a social response to make me feel better, but if it was, it succeeded.

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 7768 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
daisydaisy
Shipmate
# 12167

 - Posted      Profile for daisydaisy   Email daisydaisy   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
....lol


It's really hard to know whether I should just agree with her, as it tells you to in all those rather sickly poems about dementia, or if, when she tells me her friend Elizabeth is 65, I should point out that she is 95 (and four years older than Mum!). My interpretation is that she doesn't want Elizabeth to be older than she is because E. is managing better in many respects!

An approach (recommended in "Dementia: Frank and Linda's Story") that I find works with my aunt is to enter her world - a lot of the past turns out to have worried her but she hid it well, but now the worries come back to haunt her. I usually find a way to allay her fears without lying. For example, when she asked if my dad (her adored brother) would be visiting her (he died around 6 yrs ago) I tell her he's not able to at the moment. She is happy with that, and hasn't been upset to be reminded he's no longer around. Sometimes she comes out with very strange remarks, to which I just say "oh really?!". It really doesn't matter that what she said doesn't make sense: what matters is that she doesn't get distressed at the realisation of her confusion (she knows she has dementia).
Posts: 3174 | From: southern uk | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

 - Posted      Profile for Pigwidgeon   Author's homepage     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I tried doing the same thing with my Mom. She was frantic one day when I called -- she was concerned that Dad had just died and she had so many arrangements to make. Rather than pointing out to her that Dad had died several years ago, I just persuaded that it was too late in the evening to deal with funeral homes, etc., and that she needed a good night's sleep so that she could take care of things the next day. Sometimes it's difficult, though, to figure out where they're coming from and to get on that same wavelength.

--------------------
Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

Posts: 9355 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged



Pages in this thread: 1  2  3  ...  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  ...  35  36  37 
 
Post new thread  Post a reply Close thread   Feature thread   Move thread   Delete thread Next oldest thread   Next newest thread
 - Printer-friendly view
Go to:

Contact us | Ship of Fools | Privacy statement

© Ship of Fools 2016

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.5.0

 
Check out Reform magazine
sip of fools mugs from your favourite nautical website
 
  ship of fools