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Source: (consider it) Thread: Aging Parents
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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Throw rugs and small carpets are also a tripping danger, alas.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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CK -yes, yes I have. I am just assembling the materials to send them off down the river, aflame, in a Viking burial [Big Grin]

In other news, she wishes she'd finished herself off on Saturday morning and I really can't say I blame her (especially as her room-mate favours Jeremy Kyle-type television [Projectile] )

Have just been to buy her a birthday card and present - it's really hard to find a suitable card, but the present was easy (new dressing-gown and nighties to replace the washed-out rags she appears to have been wearing! [Roll Eyes] )

Mrs. S, polishing that celestial crown!

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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My mother, early 80s, has a formidable work ethic, keeps the house immaculate, cooks large meals from scratch, helps a nonogenarian neighbour etc. We were / are due to have lunch at her house. However she got an appointment to have a minor procedure carried out under sedation as an outpatient the afternoon before the planned lunch. She is determined that this will not stop her from cooking a large lunch for six. We want to rejig so that we visit for the same length of time, but without Mum cooking a meal. Mum says she won't enjoy our visit if she doesn't get to feed us. She was quite upset on the phone at the thought we might visit and "only" have a cup of tea and some home bakes.

Personally, if I had any form of procedure under sedation, I would spend the following day lolling around with a good book, and a box of chocolates and I am 31 years younger.

What to do?

Also, my mother has a low opinion of my own housekeeping abilities so I can't offer to help, as my mother regards me as being worse than a man short when it comes to matters domestic.

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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I suppose it is not possible to turn the issue entirely around, and insist upon honoring here with a large carry-in meal of such glory that she cannot refuse it. I do not envy you; you are in a tough place here. Sympathy...

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Absolutely no way would Mum accept a carry-in meal. Last time she was ill (18 months ago) my sister-in-law brought her some expensive soup-in-cartons and my mother was outraged. Sis in law knew that she couldn't bring home-made soup as Mum has a low opinion of my sis-in-law's soup making abilities, so I thought the expensive soup-in-a-carton was a good idea but oh, no!

Mum will accept raw ingredients from me (some of my home-grown rhubarb for example) but won't accept cooked stuff.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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By way of a related issue, Dad does no cooking of any form. Mum even pours his breakfast cereal into the bowl for him. I do not know what would happen if Mum did become ill, because Dad has no experience whatsoever of cooking.
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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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Does she accept frozen homemade food? Assuming she is well enough before the procedure, I suppose she could put some casseroles in the freezer that the family can defrost and serve at the planned lunch.

quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Absolutely no way would Mum accept a carry-in meal. Last time she was ill (18 months ago) my sister-in-law brought her some expensive soup-in-cartons and my mother was outraged. Sis in law knew that she couldn't bring home-made soup as Mum has a low opinion of my sis-in-law's soup making abilities, so I thought the expensive soup-in-a-carton was a good idea but oh, no!

It was a great thought-- next time SIL just needs to carry the notion one step further-- toss the tell-tale cartons and transfer the lovely soup into her own well-used tupperware container. We won't tell.

quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
By way of a related issue, Dad does no cooking of any form. Mum even pours his breakfast cereal into the bowl for him. I do not know what would happen if Mum did become ill, because Dad has no experience whatsoever of cooking.

My dad was the same way. When mom went out of town to care for her own mother after a heart attack, dad ate out every night, but hated eating alone. I was in seminary at the time, studying for finals with little time to spare, but he kept pleading with me to go to dinner with him, upping the ante with increasingly more enticing/expensive options until I finally relented. Later in the week I invited him to our place for dinner. Finally, my (fiercely independent) grandmother took pity on him and urged my mom to return him where she was obviously more needed. Mom returned home to find the house immaculately cleaned and a huge bouquet of roses awaiting her.

Pray there are some similarly unexpectedly good outcomes for your own mom's incapacitation.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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A man in our parish was widowed a few years ago. His mother and wife had always told him that men didn't belong in the kitchen. When he was suddenly on his own he barely knew how to boil water. He apparently lived mostly on delivered pizza* until he moved into a senior living facility.

(*Yes, parishioners helped out when they could, but he was pretty stubborn.)

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291

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Niece's husband comes from rural southern Italy. When his mother broke her arm, his father spent 6 weeks sleeping on top of the bed, because he didn't know how to make it.

M.

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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NEQ, I hope you come to some solution with your mum. She may well find she isn't up to cooking anyway, so the make stuff ahead and freeze it option sounds like a good one.
Mrs S - I hope the Dowager is on the mend soon. It sounds misreable for her (and you at present).
I'm very thankful my mum insists on wearing sensible well-fitting shoes, sandals and slippers. For a long while the worse thing about getting older for her was that she couldn't wear high-heeled shoes anymore.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Mum has a well stocked freezer and will have stuff preprepared but if, say, she took a home made pie out of the freezer, she'd still make mashed potatoes, roast parsnips, leeks in white sauce etc to go with it. She usually produces about five veg to go with whatever meat there is. She is a phenomenal cook.

[ 10. June 2016, 06:43: Message edited by: North East Quine ]

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Please renew your prayers/kind thoughts for the Dowager. I have just heard that her dear neighbour of almost 50 years, godmother to my son, mainstay of my mother's life at her own house and somewhere between me and my mother in age (late 70's, perhaps?) collapsed and died of a massive stroke and brain haemorrhage last night [Votive]

If the Almighty wanted my mother to move, he needn't have taken quite such drastic action [Waterworks]

Please pray for me too as I decide how to break this appalling news to the Dowager, already incapacitated and stressed/distressed. In the space of 5 months she will have lost her younger son and her two best friends, both at least a decade younger than herself [Eek!]

Mrs. S, stressed/distressed herself [Help]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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[Votive] Mrs S and the Dowager
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Piglet
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Absolutely. [Votive] [Votive]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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[Votive] Mrs S and the Dowager.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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And from here. [Votive] [Votive]

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Huia
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# 3473

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The neighbour, Godmother and friend, may she rest in peace and rise in Glory [Votive]

[Votive] Mrs S and the Dowager. [Votive]

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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My brother and I spent yesterday in A&E with her, waiting to have a new fibre-glass cast taken off her wrist and replaced with a backslab which is heavy but more comfortable than a too-tight one put on by the plaster specialists. I was so cross - she has spent four days out of the last eight in A&E, being x-rayed for things they should have dealt with the day she fell, being plastered and re-plastered [Mad] and all of it takes FOREVER! For a 92-year old to be made to sit in A&E for at least four hours in a wheelchair is ridiculous, and she might still be there if my brother hadn't announced that we were just taking her back to the community hospital.

So on top of that I had to break the news about Auntie Ruth [Waterworks] she was remarkably stoical about it. I think she has had so many shocks recently that she is just bomb-proof (though confused - who can blame her?)

She seems to have agreed to giving up the car, and I have suggested she consider moving somewhere closer to us before ALL her friends fall off their perches [Waterworks]

Mrs. S, honestly more sympathetic than she sounds!

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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I suspect that once one reaches the Dowager's age, one sort of expects to hear of the death of one's friends and contemporaries on a fairly regular basis.

Who was it that said he checked the obituary column of the newspaper each day to make sure he wasn't in it? [Big Grin]

[Votive] continuing for the clan Intrepid.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
Who was it that said he checked the obituary column of the newspaper each day to make sure he wasn't in it? [Big Grin]

It's apparently been attributed to various people.

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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I am quite sure that is why my father still buys Reform although that means he is only checking once a month. Perhaps that is all that is required at the moment.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Back to my blog

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Mum fasted for 26 hours, then had an unpleasant procedure under sedation, and got home at 6pm. The next day six of us sat down to a lunch of roast beef, yorkshire pudding, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, cauliflower in white sauce and glazed carrots, followed by lemon mousse and raspberries, and coffee and traybakes. I think the tray bakes were made in advance, the rest was done from scratch.

I have no idea how she does it.

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Bless your mum's heart - she sounds like some sort of Wonder Lady. [Overused]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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It may well be that doing stuff like that is what keeps her going.

Good for her.

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
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Piglet
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# 11803

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You've probably got a point, WW. It seems to me that having nothing to do is why my dad is deteriorating rather faster than we'd like.

Before my mum died (four years ago) he had a raison d'etre: he visited her every day, but once that reason was gone, I got the feeling that he rather started to give up. [Frown]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Well, the visit of Master S and the Lovely Girlfriend has cheered the Dowager more than I could have imagined [Yipee]

She has started to say how lucky she is to have all these vistors [Eek!] and to express sincere appreciation for all the stuff I am doing for her [Ultra confused]

(Little does she know I've applied for a return of the tax on her car [Devil] )

Anyway it's her 92nd birthday on Monday and the Former Miss S and Great-Grandson will be visiting, as well as us - the hospital really is amazingly accommodating [Angel]

Tuesday will be a bit of a damper when we spring her to go to Auntie Ruth's funeral [Waterworks] but hey, we are where we are .

Mrs. S, more relieved than she can say [Overused]

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Mrs S, that is good news.the death and funeral may not be good news, but are part of life. Hope she manages well.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Yangtze
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# 4965

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My aged parent has just embarked on his 80th birthday present to himself. He and an old schoolfriend who also just turned 80 are walking 80 miles in 8 days.

Not bad eh. Fingers crossed for the weather.

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organic cotton, fair trade cotton, linen

Sometimes I wonder What's for Afters?

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Yangtze:
My aged parent ... and an old schoolfriend who also just turned 80 are walking 80 miles in 8 days ...

Good for them! [Overused] [Overused]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by Yangtze:
My aged parent ... and an old schoolfriend who also just turned 80 are walking 80 miles in 8 days ...

Good for them! [Overused] [Overused]
Blimey! Good luck with that then!

The Respectful Mrs. S [Overused]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Penny S
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# 14768

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My friend's AP, in her 90s, who can often appear to need exposure in the other place, is proposing to go down to Croydon, to a place where a charity supports the homeless, at 9.30 tonight, in order to see if they have had any contact with the missing person mentioned in the prayer thread. Previously, she has re-enacted the missing person's last known journey to see if it could be done in the time between a shop visit and a phone call. (Just about.)
Give her something of value to do, and she is astonishing. If not wise.

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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Glad things are as good as they can be Mrs S. Is the Dowgaer going back to hospital after the funeral or are you taking her home and telling her about the tax on her car.
Yangzee - That sounds inspirational. As one of my friends in her mid-seveneties said you have to do the things you want to do while you still have the chance.
NEQ - I'm glad the meal went well. It's obviously soemthing that gives your mum pleasure

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Yes, Mum loves cooking for people and she's very good at it. She won't accept any help, though, and I can't reciprocate; she won't visit me and eat a meal at my house. (This is becoming less of an issue, as I suspect the distance between us now rules out any future visits; it's been a couple of years since she last visited me.)
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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I am going to Manchester this week and not staying with my parents. This is a first, as Mum used to expect me to visit them if they were over but she really is not up to it for a single night.

Jengie

--------------------
"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Back to my blog

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Yes, Sarasa, she'll be back in Durance Vile afterwards (and no, I'm keeping schtumm about the car tax) [Two face] but she said to me this evening on the phone 'well, no use worrying about it' at which I nearly dropped said phone!

Apparently Great-grandson went to visit his other great-grandmother at the weekend. She's on a dementia ward, and he was (as his father said) like crack for Very Old Ladies! Miss S lost count of how many times she told them that he was six months old and he was called Sebastian (yes, just like he was five minutes ago [Smile] )

It seems like a real admission of failure, but Mr. S and I are having to pace ourselves/cut down on what we do/remind ourselves that (in the words of my friend Fiona) we aren't 40 any more *sigh* However a performance of 'Noises Off' on Thursday night was a real tonic [Killing me]

Mrs. S, who will be glad when Tuesday is over

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Mrs S - hope all goes well with the Dowager over the next few days. [Votive] for Auntie Ruth. Take care of yourself and Mr S.

Jengie Jon - I'm finding things like the visit you mention really bring home to me how my mum is aging. She used to visit us under her own steam using public transport. Now she even thinks the idea of getting a taxi over is a bit much.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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My friend's AP has been continuing in her detective work, interviewing shop staff re: purchases, and finding fuller descriptions of the last sighting. Do you think there is a place for a book with the amateur detective a little old lady with shrunken back and bad legs?
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Please see Praise and Thanksgiving thread for update on our day.

I was shocked by how frail the Dowager still is, more than a fortnight after her fall [Eek!] She can walk, but not far and not unaided; can't go to the loo on her own [Help] and generally is not the person she was before the accident.

It's not helped by the issues with the cast on her wrist - she is now on her third fibre-glass cast, following two simple back slabs. This means that she has had her wrist re-set twice ( twice! ) and every time the pain is so extreme that she has a Funny Turn - none of which can be doing her any good.

What the eventual outcome will be, goodness only knows - but all I can think is that she'll need *another* six weeks in plaster before they can contemplate letting her out to terrorise the neighbourhood again [Eek!]

Mrs. S, wondering where this will end [Confused]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Yangtze
Shipmate
# 4965

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quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by Yangtze:
My aged parent ... and an old schoolfriend who also just turned 80 are walking 80 miles in 8 days ...

Good for them! [Overused] [Overused]
Blimey! Good luck with that then!

The Respectful Mrs. S [Overused]

Thanks. As he refuses use his mobile unless he is making a call I have heard nothing. I hope they either didn't get or survived the downpours we had here Sun/Mon.

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Posts: 2022 | From: the smallest town in England | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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About 30-odd years ago, when my granny was a little bit younger than the Dowager is now, she had a fall and broke her wrist and it took at least two attempts to set it (neither completely successful).

TBH I'm not sure she ever completely got over it; although she regained her ability to dress, eat, get on with life etc., her arm was never quite the right shape again.

[Votive] that the Dowager's will heal more completely than Granny's did.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I've had 3 broken wrists and can assure anybody who hasn't had that experience that the "pulling the arm to put it all back in place" is more than a tad uncomfortable - I think it is worth at least 10 "aaarrrggghhhsss" and at least one "oh deary me"!

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Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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When Mum was in her 70s she got up to bathroom in middle of the night. Mistook the turn on way back to bed and fell down the carpeted stairs. She was stubborn, knew wrist was broken but refused to call neighbours or nearby friend. She took some paracetamol and returned to bed.
She rang me in the morning and son and I hot footed the fifty miles up to mountains. It was obviously broken and we went to take her. She utterly refused to go in night gown. I had to dress her and we had another 30 minute drive. She fainted during x-ray and over a week had three general anaesthetics before orthopaedic specialist was satisfied setting was right.

Plaster was on for three months before it healed. After removal she had to hold squash ball in hand and knead it for exercise..

Friends made her promise to contact them for any reason at all.

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Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Sadly today The Dowager has the obvious reaction to two full days of attention - no-one's been to see her (well, they all saw her yesterday, didn't they?), everything hurts, she's worried her front tooth will fall out and she'll swallow it (!), did we remember to turn off the heating (!!!) etc etc.

I feel frustrated again - everyone's saying 'oh, isn't she doing well?' but they aren't the ones who have to put up with all this cr*p. Again, she puts up a better face to anyone but me. I wonder if she's busy saying 'oh, isn't Mrs. S marvellous, coming all this way to see me so often, ringing every day, doing my washing and looking after my house?'

No. No, I thought not [Mad]

Mrs. S, reminding herself she's doing this for love, not thanks (luckily!)

PS. sorry for the rant - sometimes I don't like myself all that much [Hot and Hormonal]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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No need to apologise, Mrs. S - you've had a very difficult few days, and you absolutely mustn't stop liking yourself.

Just keep telling yourself that the Dowager doesn't know how lucky she is having a daughter like you. [Overused]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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Mrs S my Grandad (father's father) lived with us for the last couple of years of his life. Every so often he had to go into hospital and would come back raving about how wonderful the nurses were, so much so that Mum got a bit miffed. Once when he was in hospital she told one of the nurses how glowingly he spoke of them.

"That's funny" the nurse replied, "when he's here all we hear about is how wonderful his daughter-in-law is and get the distinct impression we could never measure up".

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Thank you, Piglet - and Huia [Killing me]

(I do know it happens to ALL siblings - rarity value wins out over boring reliability every time [Two face] )

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Doone
Shipmate
# 18470

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Sadly, too true Mrs S. [Axe murder]
Posts: 2208 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2015  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Dowager much better today - she thanked me for calling and said she'd enjoyed chatting to me [Yipee]

So that's all good [Angel]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Doone
Shipmate
# 18470

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[Yipee]
Posts: 2208 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2015  |  IP: Logged
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

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My parents are in their early 70s, but both are to all intents and purposes immobile; they can shuffle around the bungalow and to the car and that's it. Amazingly my dad somehow lifts their buggies into the back of the car, but if he didn't, they'd not go anywhere. He had a stroke in his 50s and then broke his hip a few years ago that pretty much did for his remaining mobility. Mum on the other hand has been gradually crumbling for thirty years.

Neither of them will die; they'll just slow down to a point where you realise they've been dead for a few days.

[Frown]

It's such a shame. They longed to be grandparents and now they are and can't do much but sit and watch the kids play.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged



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