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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Hope all goes well at that visit. Even if neurologist can see how to help, will she accept it?
Depends what the pendulum says! More seriously, I think she has huge hopes that this neurologist, despite not being a naturopath, will wave a wand and she'll be 45 again.
If it works could you pass on the name of the Neuro please?
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
M-i-l's operation postponed until tomorrow... ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Jane R - that is a pain. I was going to post to find out how it went. Is the postponement due to her health or the hospital having too many more urgent cases?
I went to visit my mum today. Still chugging along as usual. As long as I don't raise subjects such as getting in help or get too irritated at her rambling stories things are fine.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Well, I went to visit the Dowager yesterday. The plumber had fixed the downstairs loo - 'I don't suppose he'll be able to do anything with it' - so three cheers for Ian ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
In other news, the bruising from her right eye, where she fell a week ago, has slid down her face - she does indeed look awful, though everyone says she looks much better ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
AND, as of yesterday, she thinks she would be better off in care 'but it will cost a lot of money' *hallelujah emoji*. She seems more compos mentis at the moment, and it has dawned on her that if she can't go out alone in case she falls over, her life will be pretty constrained. In addition, my unlikely saviour was a double-glazing salesman, who disregarded all the 'no unsolicited sales calls' stickers on her front door and rang the bell. When she answered, and told him she had all the double-glazing she needed, he spooked her good and proper by looking contemptuously at her door and saying 'look how flimsy this is' ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Unfortunately she has no idea what company he represented, but she now feels sufficiently insecure to go into care. As she can't now work the central heating she's had for fifty years, this does not seem a bad idea ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Now all I have to do is make it happen...
Mrs. S, perusing the interweb hopefully ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
That sounds like very good news, Mrs. S. - I hope the Dowager can stay in that frame of mind until you can get somewhere sorted out for her.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) continuing for you, Jane R. and Sarasa and all your respective APs.
We're heading over the Pond on Sunday to see D's mum (88, still living on her own in her own house but beginning to get forgetful and easily confused) and my dad (92, living in an old people's home, bedridden and very hard to communicate with).
I think we may need a prayer or two ... ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
YaY Mrs S. I hope she doesn't change her mind. I had heard double glazing salesmen were a byword for being pushy, but that's totally unacceptable.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Intrepid Mrs S: quote:
In addition, my unlikely saviour was a double-glazing salesman, who disregarded all the 'no unsolicited sales calls' stickers on her front door and rang the bell. When she answered, and told him she had all the double-glazing she needed, he spooked her good and proper by looking contemptuously at her door and saying 'look how flimsy this is'
Good grief, that's completely unacceptable. We quite often get sales reps (usually men) knocking on our door, despite the notice beside it clearly stating that we won't buy anything from them. I have got to the point where I just say 'No thank you' and shut the door in their faces, as quickly as possible. This usually annoys them, although why they think they are entitled to courtesy from me when they have interrupted my day to listen to a sales pitch for something I don't want and/or can't afford is beyond me.
Not sure why they postponed M-i-l's operation yesterday, but she's down on the list for today (they weren't able to give a time for it). Meanwhile I have to do a day's work, take my daughter to the doctor and the chiropractor and find time to go to the care home and pack some of M-i-l's clothes to take to the hospital - she was in a hospital gown yesterday because she didn't have any of her own things with her.
Thanks for the prayers, everyone - will post again when I have more news.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
@Mrs S: keep reminding her about being spooked by the pushy double glazing salesman. YMMV but we've found that Mother does have some capacity for remembering things if you say them often enough to her - maybe because creating lots of memories of us saying the same thing to her increases the chances of her being able to retrieve one of them.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Zappa: quote:
More seriously, I think she has huge hopes that this neurologist, despite not being a naturopath, will wave a wand and she'll be 45 again.
If it works, I'd like to be 35 again...
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Jane R - I hope your busy day goes well, and that the operation happens and your m-i-l recovers quickly. At least my son is an adult and I'm retired which makes aging parent care easier.
Mrs S - Shame on the double glazing salesman. I hope you find a home that's suitable before the Dowager forgets all about him and decides that she's fine at home.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thank you all for your kind thoughts.
JaneR - you're right, and occasionally things *do* stick in odd corners of the Dowager's mind, so I will need to remind her.
Also, good luck with sorting out your MiL and the rest of your day.
Zappa - as I've said before on this thread, none of us are really able to make our APs happy, because what they really want - not to be old - we can't give them, nor can anyone else.
Mrs. S, about to call the Dowager ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
what they really want - not to be old - we can't give them, nor can anyone else.
I think that's it in a nutshell. I learned so much by watching my father decline. He never gave up on the notion that some doctor could prescribe a pill that would restore his eyesight, straighten his bent back, dry up his leaking bladder, etc.
I'm only 15 or 20 years away from that myself, and I honestly don't know how I will feel about it once it starts to happen.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
They've postponed her operation AGAIN...
She's supposed to be having it tomorrow and if they postpone it again I think I will have to go down there and Make a Fuss.
Grrr. Visited her at about 5 and she was asleep; apparently she's been asleep for most of the day, which is probably a bad sign.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
what they really want - not to be old - we can't give them, nor can anyone else.
I think that's it in a nutshell. I learned so much by watching my father decline. He never gave up on the notion that some doctor could prescribe a pill that would restore his eyesight, straighten his bent back, dry up his leaking bladder, etc.
I'm only 15 or 20 years away from that myself, and I honestly don't know how I will feel about it once it starts to happen.
I'm one year off 70 and I am almost there. Granted I've had physical problems my whole life, I've dealt with the aftermath of a severe auto accident, survived cancer that almost killed me 15 years ago. My actual plan ( ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif) ), and yes I had one ,was to start thinking of the next stage of my life in about 2-3 years.
Instead, a runaway freight train mowed me down this year, and in addition to planning a last trip to England next week I am in the process of putting my condo on the market, and immediately after, moving to residential care. Practically, I know I am doing the right thing but emotionally, I've lived here for 30 years, and I am ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
I am in the process of putting my condo on the market, and immediately after, moving to residential care. Practically, I know I am doing the right thing.
Funny you should say that. I have just sold my condo and will be moving into a rental apartment in a 55+ community. I have decided that home ownership is not for me at this stage of my life.
After I'm settled in, I plan to consult one of those agencies that specialize in senior services to plot out my available options for the rest of my life. I expect that assisted living (i.e., residential care) will be one of them.
Good luck on your sale.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
... a 55+ community ...
Crikey - I'd qualify for that! I still don't think of myself as even potentially old, let alone actually old ... ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) It must be something to do with being the youngest sibling (by quite a long way) - I'll always be the "wee sister".
Jane, I hope they can do your m-i-l's op. very soon - all this faffing about can't be doing her (or you) any good at all.
Pete - good luck with selling your place! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
[ 05. August 2017, 00:33: Message edited by: Piglet ]
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Oh Pete - it's hard when you know what you're planning is rationally a good move. I hope never to have to move out of my home, but logically I know this might not be possible. Illogically my plan is to die of natural causes before I have to make a decision
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Huia: That is a very common feeling among people getting on in years, My mother's frequently declared wish was to not leave her own house until she was carried out in a box. Unfortunately she got too frail to permit that, and now lives in an aged care residential facility.
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
She's had the operation at last! I'd been trying to phone the ward all afternoon - finally got through just after 5 and they said she was still down in recovery and they would call once she was back on the ward. Hopefully this will be in time for me to visit her before the end of visiting hours at 8pm.
Whew.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Glad to hear it, Jane. Prayers ascending for her swift recovery.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Jane R - I hope your mother in law is recovering well and will soon be out of hospital
Zappa - Hope the neurologist visit went well - did your sister manage to go as well?
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
My sister-in-law, L, rang with an update. She arrived to find my brother in the carpark of the Care home. He said he was leaving the new place because it was "Too religious" (because they said grace before meals) and that he was going back to the place he was at before.
She reminded him that the other place was closing in a couple of weeks, and besides Pud-Pud had settled in and liked the new place. He said he was still going, and so was his cat. She then told him I would be visiting on Thursday and would be cross if he wasn't there. "Well, my sister will sort them out," he said.
She escorted him inside and saw a group singing in a lounge, so suggested he join in. He likes singing, so he agreed.
She then went to the nurses' station and told them, they fell about laughing because the 'singing group' was actually a local minister visiting to lead a worship service. One of the staff went and rescued him/them.
It may seem odd, that I, the only one in the family who attends church, would be asked to stop them saying Grace, but my brother is learning disabled and has always seen me as smoothing over difficult things he couldn't cope with when we were growing up*, so it does make a kind of sense.
* that is unless the difficulty was between us, then all bets were off.
So off I go on Thursday to "sort them out".
I've decided to suggest he ignores the grace and instead adopts a Maori custom of thanking the ringa wera (literally 'hot hands' the people who cooked the meal). Actually Maori protocol involves more prayers than are invoked anywhere outside a church, but I will conveniently omit that piece of information.
Meanwhile Sis-in-law is taking her dog (specially licensed) to visit him, the attached hospital and the Dementia unit tomorrow.
Huia - honing my diplomatic skills
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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MaryLouise
Shipmate
# 18697
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Posted
Good luck, Huia.
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“As regards plots I find real life no help at all. Real life seems to have no plots.”
-- Ivy Compton-Burnett
Posts: 646 | From: Cape Town | Registered: Nov 2016
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Good luck on Thursday, Huia. If my mother ends up in a home, I'll better make sure its a non-religious one, I can imagine how scathing she'd be about grace before meals etc, and she wouldn't be backward in coming forward and letting people know exactly what she thinks of religion. According to her it's a nice hobby, but not something to actually take seriously.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
M-i-l continues to improve after her operation. The physiotherapist had her walking today - with a zimmer frame and an assistant to help her. She isn't yet ready to be discharged but they're talking about letting her go back to the home in a couple of days. Fingers crossed... and not just because it costs £2 an hour to park at the hospital.
On the subject of religion, the home M-i-l is in does arrange visits from ministers and worship for those who want it, but I don't think they have grace at mealtimes. The odd thing is that M-i-l is happy to participate in them... she's been an atheist for the last 50 years or so.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
for all of you struggling with care of the aging.
The Dowager came out with the hoary old 'I don't think I'm ready to go into a home yet' yesterday on the phone, but climbed down smartish when I told her it was too late to go back to that stance.
I said to Mr. S that it was probably just a reflex action, something she'd been saying for so long, along with 'I don't want to go to hospital' and 'I don't want you to call the doctor'. Another old lady across the road has died, though, so fewer and fewer of them left ...
Mrs. S, seeing another home on Friday
[ 09. August 2017, 06:46: Message edited by: The Intrepid Mrs S ]
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
"I don't think I'm ready to go in a home, yet" resonates with me. But today is a good day, and I don't know how many good days are left.
I am going to England for a week, arriving Saturday morning (Hi Smudgie) to visit friends and family. When I return, my place will have been painted, and several small repairs are on the calendar starting August 21. The house will be then ready for staging. It won't be a quick sale, I expect, but after I look at one place out of town and double check the place in town,die jacula est*, and decisions, decisions, decisions. The place out of town is nearer much of my family, but the place in town is near where I have lived for over 45 years, in good times and bad. My daily routine would change little.
*The die is cast
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Safe journey Uncle Pete. It is absolutly chucking it down here at the moment, but it should cheer up by Saturday. Does your move depend on selling your current place or will move anyway? Hope you like the look of one or the other of them. It certainly seems a very sensible and brave thing to do, hard though it is going to be.
Good luck with looking at homes Mrs S. I was awake a lot of last night fretting about my mother and my mother-in-law. Useless I know. We saw my mother in law at the weekend and I think she is one fall away from not being able to live in her house anymore. Then yesterday my mother phoned up and manged to make me feel that I was in the wrong because she thought I was visiting Thursday instead of the Friday I told her. The microwave has 'gone wrong' again. She didn't believe me when I 'fixed' it (cancelled the defrost programme she'd put it on) last time, so this time (on Thursday) I've got to have a microwave lunch to prove to her it does work. I don't think she'll ever admit that the various problems she has are due to her extremely poor vision and failing memory, it's all someone or something else's fault.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Oh Sarasa that really speaks to me - nothing is ever her fault, it's always something one or other of *us* did when we visited.
I'm sitting here really hoping that, if she went out to lunch with friends, as she was dithering about yesterday,she remembered to leave the door to the utility room unlocked so the excellent Wiltshire Farm Foods were able to make their delivery. She had run out yesterday, so she was blithely telling me that even though she can't go out, she went to the shop and got a little joint which she was going to cook
1) she can't get to the shop
2) they don't sell joints of any size or description
3) she couldn't cook one if they did!
At least the tea-time care visit seems to have jogged her into remembering that she should eat a hot meal...
Mrs. S, who has no trouble remembering that herself!
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
My house stinks. I think this may be to do with the nurses switching from changing the dressings every day to leaving a zinc dressing on for a week. They don't have to live with the results. And I found a used incontinence pad on the hall floor. (Fortunately not carpeted.)
The nurses have also switched from every other day to every day, without warning yesterday, so I nearly wasn't in when one came. I am now confined to barracks every ****** day until they find a slot to turn up in. Without advance advice. It should be in the morning, but I am not holding my breath. (But see above.)
Last week I was asked if I could advance a bit of cash for which she would write a cheque. "OK, would £25 be enough?" "Oh, I'll do £100 on account." Guess how much has materialised. No more advances. This was so she could give some to her son to buy her powder and lipstick and setting lotion (which he couldn't find). And possibly cream cakes. They have been bought and eaten out of my sight*. The makeup is rather endearing in a way, harking back to the war when putting on one's face was put forward as a patriotic duty.
(*However, I have to own up to similar behaviour, eating nice things in my car to cheer myself up! But she does not know about this. It's what I was doing just before the nurse arrived, eating a hot sausage bread roll for breakfast in the supermarket car park!)
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
die jacula est
[PEDANT] alea jacta est [/PEDANT]
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
die jacula est
[PEDANT] alea jacta est [/PEDANT]
Considering the only Latin I've read in over 50 years (and with an English text beside it) is Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, I've done well to remember even that much. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
ABR or any other Latinist, would you pm me? I need a short phrase turned into Latin, for a motto.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Uncle Pete: quote:
Considering the only Latin I've read in over 50 years (and with an English text beside it) is Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, I've done well to remember even that much.
But, but... Asterix?! That's where I learned the phrase (it's what the Romans always say when they have to fight Asterix and Obelix and don't want to).
M-i-l is still doing well.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Penny, you make me ashamed of my moaning ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) rather as a prayer request this morning for someone dying of a cancerous brain tumour did . Seriously, I feel for you - did the manuka honey stop working?
The Dowager is still using makeup, which is rather sweet, especially as she can't see very well Every time I open my mouth to accuse her of being vain - she is extremely concerned about her appearance - I think to myself that at least she doesn't look like a bag lady, as so many old ladies do
Mrs. S, doesn't know she's born
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Glad your m-i-l is doign well, Jane R.
Penny S - any signs of your visitor being able to return to their own house? Can they not open the door to the health visitor, or do you feel you need to be there to make sure you're in the loop about what's being said?
Mrs S - I once bumped into my mum unexpectedly. her reaction wasn't 'Hello, dear how nice to see you', but 'Don't look at me, I haven't got my make up on'. Like the Dowager she still spends an age in front of the mirror every morning, though she really can't see what she's doing.
I went over to mum's today and sorted out the microwave. She hadn't pressed start. I'm not sure if this was because she couldn't see the button or beacause she'd forgotten that's what you have to do. She was also complaining about having hurt her knee. She bought a new non-slip mat for the shower (which is one over a bath) and had used it the wrong way round so of course she slipped. She's just very lucky she hasn't done a worse injury. I really don't know how much longer she can carry on living without any sort of help other than that provided by family and friends. Agghhhh!
(edited becuase agghhh was auto-corected to aggro, which is probably apt too).
[ 10. August 2017, 14:35: Message edited by: Sarasa ]
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Took 90 year old father for surgery, all admitted and ready, then cancelled. Surgeon had emergency. Skin cancer. He's had a number of basal cell carcinomas removed (I think it's at 17), but these are squamous which is worse, and they query a melanoma. He's very frightened. Blind in one eye, and not following medical advice with the partly sighted eye with the crisis this had imbued. Nothing to do but wait for recall and remind to put in the eye drops.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
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Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I am in a town house, which has three floors, and the middle one (I am avoiding conflicts of terms, I hope) is the one occupied by people, while the front door is downstairs, so there is a mobility problem with door answering. This could have been worked round if D sat, as she suggested once upon a time, in the nook off the entrance hall by the downstairs loo. where there is room for the nurses to operate. But there is no window there, and she likes to watch people go by.
She is proudly proclaiming that she has been assessed as being able to make decisions for independent living, but...
She has decided not to be housed in a convalescent home while work is done on the house.
She has decided not to read the quotes her son has obtained from tradespeople.
She has decided not to accept them, anyway, very reasonable though they are.
She has decided not to give her son POA, and resents the suggestion.
So getting her home is problematic. I am hoping to nobble the nurse today on the subject of assessment as having a problem with accepting reality cannot mean that she is mentally sound. I've missed them on the last few visits as when her son comes down from sleeping after his night shift caring I've taken the opportunity to do the shopping, and they have come when I am out.
Her son is trying to get to talk to her usual doctor. We need professional help, and the way the welfare state was set up has made it possible for there to be none for us. He has problems finding help because he isn't her, and there are privacy issues. I am not even considered as I am not a relative.
Social services have heaved a deep sigh at unloading a very very difficult person and closed the files.
I am now concerned about what happened last week with the nurse who tested her blood flow. She distorted her face to witch mode (as she had done once in the hospital, in front of the staff) and claimed that someone, presumably me, was being spiteful and spying on her. (Her son says this was about me checking on the tea bag use! Which I was doing to see if her supply needed topping up.) I ran downstairs, so hurt I was nearly crying, and waited a few minutes before returning. By this time (and she couldn't see me) she was very sweetly saying how much help and support she was being offered by me. But, if I were an outsider, I would want that recorded as a safeguarding issue - she could do that as a cry for help, and then try to cover it up out of fear of an abuser. But, as me, I don't want any such thing.
[ 11. August 2017, 10:50: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
You have my sympathy Penny S, but it sounds to me as though D is finding your 'hotel' far to comfortable to make any real decisions about her life. I can also understand the stretched social workers gratefully off-loading her. I know you are trying to help her son, but what seems to be happening is he is just dumping his problems on you. Getting D to agree to POA and the other stuff will be hard, but he needs to make a concerted effort. if she goes into hospital again walk away from it. Sometimes as Bob Dylan says
'Try to make things better
For someone, sometimes you just end up making it a thousand times worse' (Sugar Baby lyrics)
It is interesting what passes from being able to make independent decsions. Both my mother, H, and mother in law, A,would easily pass that test (they tested m-i-l after her last fall), but both of them, specially A, have times when they really don't seem to make the simplist decisions. You need to be with them much longer than a five minute test.
No Prophet - Hope your dad has his op soon. It must be a worry to him (and you) as must the eyesight. Mum admitted yesterday that she thinks hers is getting worse. I'm not sure that it is exactly. Some of it seems to be she is understanding less of what she does see.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I have seen what she does when her son attempts to push her to real decisions. And heard. Last time he suggested I record it, but she then stopped. It would be very helpful to show to an external agency. And it is amazing how he has stuck it so long. Change is not going to happen.
Solipsistic, narcissitic, totally self absorbed, She lashes out viciously, verbally now, if crossed. (Has been physical in the past, from report - have seen bruises.)
It has occurred to me, after the criticism of the sandwiches she was left last night while her son gave his lecture - the bread is wrong, the corned beef didn't have enough tomato sauce - that if I continue to get things not quite right, but appearing to outsiders to be fine, she might decide she doesn't like it here any more.
Or if the prescription service continues to be as much of a failure as it currently is that she would rather go back to her own doctor.
I don't think they'll take her to hospital for the current state of her legs, and she is generally healthy in herself from the knees up. But if she is admitted, it will be with a written letter from me stating that this address will be closed to her.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Penny, I've stayed out of this so far, because I know your heart is in the right place. But you are not helping either him or her by continuing to do what you are doing. And I say this as someone who's spent thirty years in a helping position and who was the codependent daughter of an alcoholic.
There is a problem, not just with your new lodger (and yes, she is your lodger, she has no intention of returning home, no matter what she says) but with her son. Much as you care for him, he is not treating you decently. I don't know if this is due to diagnosable issues of his own, but it's still a reality. Not only has your life become consumed with his mother (not yours, his) but he is now allowing you to be exposed to legal liability.
I don't know what precisely is driving you to accept this state of affairs, and you appear to be a competent adult, capable of making your own decisions. But if you think for a bit, you must realize that you are enabling both of them to ignore the natural consequences of their own behavior. Essentially you have created a padded, virtual room for them, where nothing has negative outcomes and all their wants will be supplied by someone else's efforts. That isn't healthy for a human being, however old or helpless (and I don't think either is wholly helpless.).
Please, for everyone's sake--hers, his, yours--there needs to be some serious reality injected into this scenario. And as you are the most rational and also hold all the power in the scenario, it's you who gets to do it.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Zappa
Ship's Wake
# 8433
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Hope all goes well at that visit. Even if neurologist can see how to help, will she accept it?
Depends what the pendulum says! More seriously, I think she has huge hopes that this neurologist, despite not being a naturopath, will wave a wand and she'll be 45 again.
If it works could you pass on the name of the Neuro please?
Huia
She liked the neuro. He told her she was amazing blah blah blah, reduced her meds, and told her he didn't need to see her again. So she's happy as a pig in whatever a pig gets into. Apparently yes the pendulum likes the reduced dose too.
And to be fair has stayed much brighter in the several days since then.
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shameless self promotion - because I think it's worth it
and mayhap this too: http://broken-moments.blogspot.co.nz/
Posts: 18917 | From: "Central" is all they call it | Registered: Sep 2004
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Penny, I've stayed out of this so far, because I know your heart is in the right place. But you are not helping either him or her by continuing to do what you are doing. And I say this as someone who's spent thirty years in a helping position and who was the codependent daughter of an alcoholic.
I totally agree with this in particular, and with the rest of what Lamb Chopped says. Have we not been here before? You managed to get your own house back, but it looks as if you've agreed to take her on again. To be blunt, get her out and don't let her in again, even for a cup of tea. You must think of your own health as well as of her.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Yesterday's visit to the Dowager was more successful than I had dared to hope - the care home I visited was lovely, and moreover Mum had visited friends there so she was well-disposed towards it!
Of course it's full, but I have filled the form in to get her on the waiting list. We have to start somewhere, after all, and what I am trying to avoid is a crisis decision. Even if she has to go somewhere less appealing in an emergency, it's good to have her down for nicer places as and when a place comes up.
We also had a most charming person from Age UK come and fill in the 31-page form for her to claim attendance allowance. He was very kind and interpreted what she said according to my interventions, so although it took over an hour at least she didn't get stressed, or go to sleep!
Sadly the journey home was at least 45 minutes longer than it should have been - my own fault for travelling on a Friday, I guess.
and good thoughts for all of you on the same (metaphorical) journey ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
Mrs. S, on to the next care home brochure...
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354
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Posted
Mr. Plummer's mother, last mentioned on these pages as having fallen after taking off her alarm, has been in hospital since then and her broken bits are healing quite well. They decided she was fit for discharge from hospital and to our surprise and relief(she's always been independent to the point of pig-headedness) she said she would like to be looked after somewhere, and was quite keen to go into a care home. So after a frantic few days we found one that looks very good and has a space next week. That's a relief but I can't sleep for thinking what she needs to take and what she can do without, and whether she'll like it when she gets there.
Then Mr. Plummer belatedly showed me the letter he'd had from the home that mentioned putting name tapes in all her clothes - not an activity I've taken part in for 30 years or so. There wasn't time to order any by moving date, but fortunately my DIL has plenty of tapes she's been using for the grandchildren's school stuff, and she's given me some to use the right-hand half of, hoping that no one else in the home has the same surname!
Wondering what will jump up and hit us in the teeth next.
Posts: 577 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I got into this state by offering a good turn for a few days to a friend at his wits end. It has turned out not to be that. But I am where I am.
We need practical help from people with the professional skills to deal with the person at the centre of the situation, not advice from people who don't know the full details, who aren't near enough to offer the help we need.
I am not going to be responsible for putting someone into a place unfit for habitation. (I'm not sure how I would get her into the car, anyway.)
I'm approaching social services next week. I don't expect they will be able to do anything. This country doesn't care any more.
I'm coming to the conclusion that God doesn't either. Grenfell, for example.
[ 12. August 2017, 17:24: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
We need practical help from people with the professional skills to deal with the person at the centre of the situation, not advice from people who don't know the full details, who aren't near enough to offer the help we need.
Then why keep telling us about it?
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Polly, we had dad's name on a waiting list and as far as we knew, it was well down it. Then suddenly we had two days to have him in or we wopuld lose the place and go to bottom of list. I spent a day sewing name tags in clothes. Mum used a marker pen to writ on lightcoloiured things like underwear and anything else we thought suitable.
He thrived in it. An old sanitarium for TB patients originally, it had space and trees. The place was government run and run down, but the staff were marvellous. Compassionate and caring, they treated those there with dignity and patience. Dad knew the place, he had been going there one day a fortnight for respite and activities.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
I got into this state by offering a good turn for a few days to a friend at his wits end. It has turned out not to be that. But I am where I am.
We need practical help from people with the professional skills to deal with the person at the centre of the situation, not advice from people who don't know the full details, who aren't near enough to offer the help we need.
I'm coming to the conclusion that God doesn't either.
Of course, God does care.
But you knew from only a couple of months ago that once the friend's mother darkened your door, she's never get out and you would become ill from the worry. Don't wait until next week, move today and get her back into a hospital.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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