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Source: (consider it) Thread: Aging Parents
The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Our IFA is currently looking at this for us - legally, he has to do quite a detailed analysis of whether it is worthwhile or no, including a loooong questionnaire as to the Dowager's state of health.

His (and our) instinct is not to do this, but then we didn't want to buy an annuity with our pension funds either.

You need professional advice, truly.

Mrs. S, going to get the Dowager out of hock this morning...

PS I'm with you on 'died', too [Two face]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Karl: Liberal Backslider
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# 76

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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
I'm curious as to what happens if your AP survives past the "expiry" date of the fee plan (i.e. the date the actuary predicted he/she would die). Does he/she have to start coughing up the costs of their care-home, or is that the flip-side - that the company has "lost the bet" as to how long he/she will live, and they have to pay until your AP dies?

It carries on paying. I have the professional advice (these things are only available through FAs) but given that one assumes they're paid commission, how truly independent are they? To be fair, she did recommend giving it six months or a year to get an idea how he's getting on.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

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Gee D
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# 13815

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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
I'm curious as to what happens if your AP survives past the "expiry" date of the fee plan (i.e. the date the actuary predicted he/she would die). Does he/she have to start coughing up the costs of their care-home, or is that the flip-side - that the company has "lost the bet" as to how long he/she will live, and they have to pay until your AP dies?

Like any annuity, it's a bet on each side. You're betting that you'll last for many a long year, they're betting it's next weekend. So if you last for 6 days or 6 years (many will have a minimum and/or maximum period) you get the guaranteed money each week.

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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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Thanks, Karl that may just be a missing part of a jigsaw puzzle we are trying to put together which the compos mentis AP is wanting to put all back in the box and start again.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Back to my blog

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Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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I'm late to this thread, but could do with some support. Basically, my mum is great - but she is 89 and now worries a lot. I ring her every day, and my day off is Friday. On Thursday we spoke, and agreed she didn't need me to come over on Friday as everything was fine. That night I was knackered, turned the phone off - and woke to 3 answerphone messages and an email asking me to come over. Duly went; it was a tiny detail about her 90th birthday meal in December, which hardly took any calming at all. Stayed the night, came back home this morning - and by the time I got back there was already a message on the machine worrying about the same detail!

When I replied I was curt, and now I feel really guilty as it's not her fault, and that reaction doesn't help. So, hardly an unusual situation, and I expect most people posting here have been through the same.

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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Not sure this will be helpful for you. But my mother-in-law was crippled by anxiety as she grew older. (Her fears seemed to center around the appliances; the dishwasher could only be allowed to run if she was there to watch it for treachery or sudden bursts of flame, and she was obsessed about the dangers of dryer lint.) My in-laws finally got medical advice, and she ws put on a very mild anti-anxiety med. Which immediately made her happier and more comfortable.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Pangolin Guerre
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# 18686

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Interesting. My mother was on a cognitive enhancer for the last two years of her life. She wasn't so much anxious as quick to anger, which I took as a manifestation of her frustrations with her diminished cognition. Once she was on the medication, she was more lucid, and immeasurably better humoured.
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Jane R
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# 331

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M-i-l back in hospital, this time with a chest infection [Frown]
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Piglet
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Sorry to hear that, Jane - [Votive] for a speedy recovery.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Jane R
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# 331

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Apparently we were given duff gen over the phone - it's really a tummy bug and she will probably be out of hospital and back in the home tomorrow.

Bit worrying, but not as bad as what we thought at first.

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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Hope your m-i-l is back home by now Jane R.
What was the Dowager's verdict on the home Mrs S?

My mother phoned early this morning to tell me she wasn't feeling well and was taking herself off to A&E. I did offer to go with her but she told me not to worry (!) and that she'd be fine. It sounds like nothing much, and by the time I'd got to her place (an hour and a half away) she would hopefully be well on her way to being seen.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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She hated it, Sarasa, but then she's not thrilled to be home again either [Two face] Basically she just doesn't want to be old, regardless of where she might find herself.

I persuaded her to go to a tea party that she normally enjoys, only for her to tell me that it had been a waste of time, which provoked me into saying 'But nothing much pleases you these days, does it?'

I have - to an extent - opted out. I shall continue to order food, visit and call regularly, but I am now waiting for her to make a decision, as it is clearly going to have to be her call, or else it will all be my fault. Well, we all know it will anyway, but hey...

Did I mention that we set up her central heating clock on Saturday afternoon, to her exact specification, but as by Monday afternoon 'it had all gone haywire' she had turned it off [Mad]

I hope your Mum managed to get seen at A&E, Sarasa, and your MiL is improving, Jane!

Mrs. S, feeling less dutiful by the day, and feeling bad about it

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Pigwidgeon

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# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
...Basically she just doesn't want to be old, regardless of where she might find herself.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, Mrs. S. It's why so many Aging Parents are so grumpy about so many things.

They don't want to live alone, they don't want to live with their children, they don't want to live in a care facility -- they want to be young and independent but know they can't be any longer.

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

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no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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Spent the day at hospital with 90 year old father. Finally got to the day surgery suite, where I watched them carve out 4 ping-pong ball sized basal-cell carcinomas (I am not squeamish thankfully, I didn't have to be there, but my father benefits from chatting when stressed. I heard about walking across glaciers in the 1950s.)

The surgeon talked as did it, and was able to visually diagnose that these are indeed basal-cell, not squamous. This is good because if they remove basal-cell, it's basically a cure. Lab results in about 3 weeks.

He is a man who doesn't show nor talk of feelings directly. The number of phone chats about it ahead of time let me know he was frightened. Checking on him this evening. Happily he lives ½ block from church, which means when I go to a meeting there tonight, its easy to see him. I query my ability to attend properly to the meeting and contribute but church people have to at least pretend to like you. [Biased]

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Maybe I should stop to consider that I'm not worthy of an epiphany and just take what life has to offer
(formerly was just "no prophet") \_(ツ)_/

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Jane R
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# 331

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Intrepid Mrs S:
quote:
I am now waiting for her to make a decision, as it is clearly going to have to be her call, or else it will all be my fault. Well, we all know it will anyway, but hey...
[Votive] We waited for M-i-l to decide for herself too. Possibly longer than we should have done, but at least she felt like it was her decision.

She was discharged yesterday and we went to see her in the home. Not quite her usual self - she'd gone to bed at 7 and wasn't quite with it - but better to be out of the hospital.

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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Hope the results confirm the surgeons diagnoses No Prophet.

I think the Dowager and my mother are probably sisters seperated at birth!
Mum got checked out at A&E about the pains she was having, they said it was just indigestion. Apart from that there have been at least half a dozen things in the last couple of phone calls I've had with her that make me question even more how much longer she can live independently. She's promised to think about moving after her party (in March), but as her thoughts at the moment lean towards moving to a bungalow I'm not hopeful.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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I have - quite unexpectedly - a chance for the Dowager to try out another care home, equally posh, and including day care. Unfortunately, day care isn't an option for the Dowager, but it did seem to me that it might bring in different people for her to talk to.

They were quite prepared to send someone out to assess her on Friday, and take her in tomorrow for a fortnight, but I had to explain that I couldn't get her moving that quickly and they would need to leave me to do some more patient spadework before then. I feel bad about not being willing to jolly her along, but it's really important to inject a dose of realism here and there - for instance, if she can't get money from the ATM at the village shop unless I am there, that isn't sustainable when I live 90 miles away!

Sarasa - not just your mother and mine, but many many others are sisters under the skin!

Mrs. S, off to the Ancestral Seat on Wednesday

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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I feel bad about a second post, but I really do want to share this with y'all. Feel free to laugh or cry as the Spirit moves you!

She had told me that the door on her upright freezer was not closing properly as there was a lot of ice, so I went down to defrost it. When I looked at it, it was already defrosting - not running at all. Oh cr*p. Run round all her neighbours to try and find some freezer space - no luck, but they all want to talk [Mad] John Lewis can't deliver till Tuesday next, Curry's not till Saturday. Sudden thought - Appliances Online, they can deliver tomorrow!

Ordered, paid for next-day delivery, disposal of old one, re-hanging of door. Much relief, leave Mum a cold box so she can at least pack what she needs into it while they swap the freezers over, in the meantime leave freezer door shut. Mum looks at cold box and says 'where does the electricity come from to run it?' Sudden thought. Oh yes, the freezer has been switched off at the mains. Turn it back on and all the lights turn on and the compressor bursts into life.

I should have realised that her method of dealing with anything electrical that doesn't do what she wants is to

TURN IT OFF AT THE MAINS!

Anyway, we decided that it was better to have a new freezer than the really old one (which I had been quite prepared to believe had lain down and died) so it was delivered and installed yesterday. When Master S spoke to her, she was busy complaining about the mess they had left, but what she didn't know - because I hadn't dared tell her - was that the old one should have been completely defrosted and dried out before they took it away!

Which they apparently did [Overused]

Goodness knows what Master S and his bride of one year will find when they visit her today; I had to leave her written instructions about what to do with the food etc, but she was so confused between the central heating, the freezer and the fridge - not to mention 'my money-making machine' - that it's anyone's guess.

She can't work the ATM in the village, she knows this can't go on - but she doesn't want to be put 'with a load of invalids'

In Clarence's words, Lord have mercy, into your hands [Help]

Mrs. S, awaiting updates!

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Huia
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# 3473

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The Intrepid Mrs S [Votive]

(and please don't feel bad about a couple of posts in a row - it seems so minor compared with what you are dealing with).

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Compared to everyone else on this thread, I am incredibly fortunate. My parents, in their early 80s are still in good health.

I'm looking for suggestions for something to take my father's interest. Three years ago he was exceptionally fit for his age, enjoyed long walks and gentle hill walking. He spent his days pottering; washing the car (whether it was dirty or not), hoovering it out (ditto), gardening, filling up the birdfeeders, creosoting the shed, providing a taxi service for teenage grandchildren etc. He was never happier than when he was 20 feet up a ladder, washing windows, or checking the gutters, or painting the eaves (whether they needed it or not).

A number of health issues mean that he is now no longer "exceptionally fit" but he can still walk a mile (no stick yet!), drive, etc. His ladder climbing days are definitely over. He and Mum now have a window cleaner, and a gardener to cut the grass. He's still doing the rest of the garden himself.

At the same time, death and illness have steadily contracted his social contacts.

His grandchildren are now all in their twenties, and don't "need" him anymore; in fact they are helping him with e.g. his computer.

He is getting quite down and depressed about what the future might hold. He doesn't particularly like television, nor is he a great reader.

Yesterday I offered to lend him a jigsaw which I had enjoyed and got the "doing jigsaws? is that what I am reduced to? reaction.

Can anyone suggest something which a man who likes to potter might like to do indoors?

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lily pad
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# 11456

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NEQ, could you conspire with the grandchildren to suss out what might be on his bucket list? Maybe some mutual dreaming about projects or possibilities might give a clue as to what he might be able to take on at this stage. My dad and step-mother lead very active lives and are in their eighties. They volunteer at the hospital, for meals on wheels, church events, etc., and dad insists on a walk every morning.

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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!

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L'organist
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# 17338

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NEQ

Find out if his local primary school are looking for people to help out with reading.

The other area where people of his age are in demand is in visiting schools to talk about their memories of WW II. It doesn't matter if he was of an age to be in the military or not, they're interested in things like rationing, the reality of air raids, being an evacuee, etc.

And if he did National Service, has he kept in touch with those "in" with him? Most units have an association which has at least an annual get-together.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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He just missed National Service, L'organist - he deferred until after he had completed his apprenticeship, and by the time he had finished, National Service had been abolished. Probably a good thing, because those of his classmates who went straight into N.S. acquired a taste for alcohol and cigarettes!

I'll chat to him about his war time experiences. I know that he experienced air-raids, but he was rural enough to have had home-grown extras on top of rations. I think the biggest impact of the war was his family trying to re-adjust when his father came home.

lily pad, I think part of his problem is that he had a bucket list of things he planned to do, and now he isn't up to doing any of them. Trying to focus on a new bucket list type thing would be a good idea.

From the outside, he still lives an active life; but it's not nearly as active as it was three years ago, and it's getting him down, especially as he is apprehensive of further decline (which is not a given).

(It has just occurred to me that if Dad had done his National Service first, then his apprenticeship, he wouldn't have been earning enough to marry Mum when he did, and I might not be here! [Eek!] )

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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I wish I could help, NEQ - the Dowager (until she was 90!) was playing 9 holes of golf, driving and meeting friends for coffee, doing the Telegraph Cryptic crossword, playing bridge games on the computer and so on.

Then, the golf club shut down, and in association with a number of deaths of friends, family etc, her brain began to give out as well - though as you say this is not a given. But it's hard to do much about keeping her amused now her sight is giving out and she is beyond learning anything new.

Might your father take to audiobooks if he isn't into reading per se? Is he sufficiently interested in his photographs from days gone by to start scanning them on to his computer? (hence saving you from the trouble of what to do with them later!) Is he interested in local history - quite often there are groups organising talks and so on? Could he 'borrow' a dog to take for walks?

[Votive] for all of us trying to organise 'playdates' for our oldies!

Mrs. S, who never thought she'd see the day [Killing me]

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
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# 12271

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NEQ -Is there a university of the third age group near him? The one here has loads on, and the opportunity to run groups too. I went on a fascinating local history walk with them a few weeks back.
Mrs S - you have my sympathies, though a new freezer was probably a good idea anyway. Any luck with the other home that phoned?
On Monday evening I got a phone call from my mother in great distress because she was convinced the next door neighbours had stolen her bag. A quick run through of happened left me pretty convinved the bag was in her flat but she just couldn't see it. She'd already phoned my brother who was driving the two hours over from his house to sort out the problem. Brother found the bag under the table where she'd put it. I was really worried about it all, wondering how much longer she can live independently. The next day she phoned me up all bright and breezy the problems of the day before either forgotten or not that important. Aggghhh!!

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1925 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
lily pad
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# 11456

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Whatever you do, NEQ, find a way to make it someone else's good idea or suggestion. And, when and if he tells you about it, treat him like a 17 year old and only show a little bit of interest and carry on from there. [Smile]

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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!

Posts: 2333 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Because of the way my mum's progressive decline meant that Dad was looking after her, and then tied to visiting her daily for 10 years, the things that had kept him active and alert (playing the trombone in the town band, swimming, choirs, church) gradually went by the wayside, and by the time Mum died, he'd been out of them for so long that it was too late to go back.

That, coupled with most of his friends dying off has, I think, contributed to his rather rapid decline since her death.

It's very sad, but I don't think anything could really have prevented it. [Frown]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19610 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Aravis
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# 13824

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NEQ, would he be interested in model railways or anything like that, if he enjoys practical tasks but doesn't want anything too strenuous? Particularly if there is a local interest group where he can work on stuff with other men (not ruling out the possibility of women, but they're a rare breed amongst railway modellers).
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Piglet
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# 11803

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D's mum is still fairly active (at 88) in her local historical society; if anyone has a question, they'll say, "ask N. - she'll know".

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19610 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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I snapped at the Dowager this morning - having explained to her, several times, in words of one syllable, where to find the instructions for her clock ('Clock? What clock?') not to mention where to find said clock! so that one of her carers could reset the time for her, she stunned me by saying 'but they aren't very intelligent, you know' [Eek!]

I should have said 'maybe not, but they can still drive, use an ATM, and hold down a job', but instead I said 'more intelligent than you at the moment, Mum' which I am sure was not helpful [Hot and Hormonal]

The Regretful Mrs. S

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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My father has agreed to return to the eye surgeon and to have me come with him. Got an appointment for 21 Dec. He completely lost sight in the right eye due to glaucoma. There's a long story of his neglect of looking after himself, refusing us to see our mother after her stroke and hip fracture and additional stroke (they'd moved to central Mexico in 1989, 3 plane rides, 2 hours by taxi and 20+ hours away)

At any rate on the move back to Canada he had a cornea transplant, we got him into an assisted living (meals, housekeeping) building. Then the cornea failed. So he needs another surgery. He is one of those who doesn't speak his fears: when the surgeon told him the standard risks for surgery he decided against it. I had my sisters conspire (they live in other provinces) and they have persuaded him for another appointment and that I should go in with him. He listens differently to women particularly to my older sister, I think she gently bosses him like my mother did. He announced the appointment to us yesterday as if it was his idea and had us write down the time and date (which I already knew). I'm feeling quite deceitful about scheming about it, but also okay about it. This has been nearly a year.

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Maybe I should stop to consider that I'm not worthy of an epiphany and just take what life has to offer
(formerly was just "no prophet") \_(ツ)_/

Posts: 11071 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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NEQ: does he like puzzles? There are lots of them about, logic puzzles and code-cracking ones and so on, not just crosswords. My father-in-law took up painting after he retired and got very good at it (better than some professional artists, we thought; of course we're not biased in any way). And all the other things people have suggested sound good too.

Coach holidays for the elderly and/or infirm seem to be big business nowadays. My parents have been on a few, although they complain that they never get long enough in any of the places they visit to have a good look around... I think they may be fitter than the target audience for these things. Or dancing? Are they still fit enough to dance? Is that something that would appeal?

Posts: 3932 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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D's parents did lots of coach holidays before his dad became ill (he was in hospital for over a year before he died) and seemed to thoroughly enjoy them.

His mum still goes on the odd coach trip with friends - her last one was something to do with canals and she had a great time.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19610 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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Where I live there is a Senior Center which organizes activities and trips. At the center there are bridge games, bingo, needleworkers' groups, etc. Since this is a university town, there is also a Shakespeare class, led by a retired professor. We are currently studying Antony and Cleopatra.

There are trips to theaters, shopping malls, historic sites, and scenic areas.

Moo

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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.

Posts: 20199 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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Are there any local adult education classes that might interest him? My grandmother learnt to make hats, cabinet making to repair her furniture then went on to make things: my bathroom cupboard was made for me as a Christmas present. I learnt to paint in my local adult education classes when my daughter was sick (last time) and I was home caring for her.

Another thing I have done that might keep him active is something I did through the Ship - a daily photography diary, using the 365 Project that taught me photography and linked me to people around the world. I haven't had time to keep up with this for the last two or three years, and I miss that badly.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

Posts: 13547 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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I was astonished when, in the last couple of months before she died, my mother became a Golden States Warriors fan. This is the basketball team in San Francisco; she had never been interested in sports and certainly never in basketball. And she was nearly 90 years old! But the other ladies in the assisted living home had her join them to watch the game on TV in the lounge, pointing out the niceties of play and naming all the basketball players for her. And suddenly she was a diehard fan.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5668 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Mrs S - I totally sympathise with losing patience with our APs.
Just been to see my mother. We've had one mini-crisis after another lately, and she is getting more and more confused and forgetful, but still refusing to admit there is anything wrong.
What is worrying me is her repeated assertions that people are taking things from her flat - today it was the instructions for her vacuum cleaner and a bottle of perfume. I'm afraid I got rather cross about it all.
Hope things go well with the eye surgery for your father No Prophet. I'm off to the hospital with my mum in a couple of weeks to see if they can find some aids that will help her read at least a little.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1925 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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*bump*

It's Business As Usual down at the Ancestral Seat. We went down on Wednesday and all went swimmingly until she asked 'where is Mr. S?' and I had to say 'he is out in the utility room, putting a padlock on the boiler cupboard so you can't turn it off at the mains'

[Mad] [Mad] [Mad]

You would not believe how many times I explained to her that this was to stop her turning OFF the boiler ('but I don't do that!') rather than to stop her turning it ON. In the end it came down to 'If you want to stay here, and I respect that decision, you need to accept that sometimes I need to make these decisions, however little you like them' at which point she stomped off in a huff (it's all about control, you know).

We went out to lunch and I thought all was okay, but just before we left she said 'you'd better give me the code for that padlock then'. 'No, Mum, you are the last person I'll tell that to. If anyone needs to know, get them to ring me'. More harrumphing.

THEN, when I rang to say we were home safely, she thanked us for what we'd done and said 'I just hope I don't freeze during the afternoons'. At that point I was the one harrumphing!

Sorry - enough grumbling!

Mrs. S, the Blue Meanie freezing her aged mother [Snigger]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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The Intrepid Mrs S just to let you know that your posts are warming my heart as I struggle with equally awkward parents.

Thanks

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Back to my blog

Posts: 20647 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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As long as I'm not just irritating everyone beyond bearing, Jengie - and I find 'obstreporous*' an appropriate word!

* hope I spelt that right

Mrs. S, dubious

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

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My AP is not awkward. He's passve. So passive you fear he's only agreeing to some of the things we're having to do because he can't be bothered to dissent.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17618 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
My AP is not awkward. He's passve. So passive you fear he's only agreeing to some of the things we're having to do because he can't be bothered to dissent.

I sometimes feel that way, but then something happens to fire up the old shop steward in me.

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Even more so than I was before

Posts: 20415 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Total sympathy for all with tricky APs. Things appeared on the up with my mother as she's seemed fairly cheerful the last few phone calls despite having similar 'problems' with the boiler as the Dowager - her plumber has been really good about it all.
Then today at 7.25 in the morning I get a call asking for my brother's address as she wants to send him a birthday card and can't read the address in her address book any more. I pointed out that his birthday isn't till the 17th December, not as she was thinking the 17th November. Talking to her this afternoon after she'd spoken to my sister-in-law about it she seemed to be suggesting that I was the one who'd said his birthday was in November, Aaggh!

[ 12. November 2017, 16:40: Message edited by: Sarasa ]

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1925 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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I think the Dowager just can't make decisions any more, not even those as simple as 'tea or coffee?'

She'll say 'oh, whatever you're making'.

It drives me bananas [Mad] because I see such a rapid decline. Not long ago she could go down a prepared shopping list, over the phone, telling me what I needed to order. Now even in person it's 'Oh, just about everything on the list, dear'.

Mrs. S, frustrated

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354

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Mr. Plummer's mother has also become very passive since her fall earlier in the year and admission to a care home. She used to be an extremely fussy eater but now has whatever they give her, and always finishes what's on the plate even though it seems to us to be too much for her. She goes along with whatever the care staff say about which room she should sit in, etc. It makes life a lot easier for everyone but it is an upsetting change - more for him than for me, of course. And involves us in having to make decisions and hoping it's the best thing for her.
Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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My mother did the I'll have what you're having routine in a coffee shop the other day. I don't think it was anything to do with not being able to make decisions but that she couldn't remember the words 'skinny caffe latte'.

My sister in law who is helping me organise my mothers 90th birthday queried the date. I hadn't checked as mum was insistant that the 4th March was a Saturday next year. Of course she was looking in this year's calander and has actually booked the hall for the Sunday. Note to self, double check everything from now on. I'm hoping we can re-organise to the Saturday which is her actual birthday.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 1925 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960

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Last Friday was my mother's 95th birthday. We made an occasion of it, but on a much smaller scale than Sarasa's mother ( [Votive] ) is hoping for: just a "special" morning tea for about 10, held in a side room of her aged care residence ("care home", as some of you call them).

It was "special" mainly in the number of visitors she had at once: apart from Mrs T and myself (who had flown 1500 km for the occasion), there were also our son (a fine cook, who made a cheesecake for the occasion), and several of her former neighbours and friends. The facility organised decorations for the room plus tea , coffee and muffins.

To judge from her sincere thanks the next day, we got most of the details right. Not too many people to be overwhelming but enough attention to make it "special" for her. No candles or "happy birthday" singing, as that tends to prompt her to think that she's not really happy where she is and "just wants to die" (though, after a long period of adjustment, she now is content to be where she is).

And on another positive note, I should add that her general health, both physical and mental, is as good as can be expected at that age - a bit forgetful, but by no means demented, and still walking even if it is with a "wheelie walker".

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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.

Posts: 573 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
As long as I'm not just irritating everyone beyond bearing, Jengie - and I find 'obstreporous*' an appropriate word!

* hope I spelt that right

Mrs. S, dubious

The Intrepid Mrs S. I no longer have either of my parents, but I continue read this thread because I'm interested. I'm not brilliant at remembering to pray for people and their situations either, but this thread reminds me to pray for both Shipmates and their APs. Apart from that there's the love that shines forth, even though sometimes it's through gritted teeth.

I remember telling my Mother as a teenager that I though the Commandment should be - Humour thy Father and Thy Mother. She was only slightly amused.

Huia

[ 21. November 2017, 06:05: Message edited by: Huia ]

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10121 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Thank you Huia, all prayers gratefully appreciated [Overused]

I am scared to post this, but the Dowager seems to have moved into a nicer frame of mind. She positively enjoyed a tea party at the weekend, saying that it had been beautifully organised and the volunteers had been to a lot of trouble to get things right [Eek!]

The locked boiler house has been forgotten (or someone other than us has managed to convince her it's a Good Idea!) and she has taken to asking me how *I* am, rather to my surprise. And when I said I'd visit her on Monday next, she said 'Oh, lovely' rather than 'that's a long time away'.

So, I am taking this as positive and hoping that we are entering into a more settled passage of time. Hope springs eternal, y'know!

Mrs. S, relieved

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1380 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged



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