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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Yea and amen, No Prophet.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) for you and your dad.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
And funeral for friend who died 2 days ago is tomorrow. We need nothing else to happen for a bit.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Sparrow
Shipmate
# 2458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
There are many false accusations of stealing, but there are also many cases where it takes place. A friend, who was an expert knitter, knitted a very elaborate lap robe for her grandfather. He was in a nursing home, and she couldn't visit him very often; she wanted him to have a constant reminder that she loved him. Two weeks after she gave it to him, it disappeared. It was almost certainly taken by another patient that didn't know better.
Nursing home patients have very few possessions and these possessions are closely linked with their sense of identity.
M<oo
When my mother first went into care, she had to share a room with another resident. After a month or so, that lady was moved out and replaced by another who had memory problems. This second lady frequently came down to breakfast wearing something she had taken out of mum's wardrobe - I think it was pretty obvious that she didn't know the difference.
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For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life,nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Posts: 3149 | From: Bottom right hand corner of the UK | Registered: Mar 2002
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I don't think it is linked with age particularly. I suspect the people who do it in homes were doing it in infant school (my lovely paint apron, soft grey with strawberries on it - "tell us if you see someone with it" - so I did, but they then accused me of accusing someone falsely, because it didn't have my name tape in it. What it did have was a couple of rows of holes where the stitches had been, and it should have had the other owner's name tape.) Or college. ("Are you accusing me of stealing your magnifying glass? Check my bag!" And I didn't because I didn't know that trick then.)
If used to appropriating other's stuff, they aren't going to stop once aged.
Same with bullying. A friend of my mother's was physically attacked in a local home by some women who thought she should not be in receipt of support because she was too posh. When she reported it, the warden backed the bullies in claiming the victim was imagining it, being delusional. Fortunately, the local grocer was making a delivery at the time and could act as a witness, and the warden lost their job. I wouldn't be surprised if the bullies hadn't been at it since school.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I think there is a lot of diffeence between people who deliberately visit care homes to steal things and/or staff and visitors who do such things and residents doing the same. As Penny says it must be very similar to what happens with small children. And like with small children you'd hope those in charge would be aware of such happenings and sort them out. I know it doesn't always happen though.
My mother lives in her own flat and the only visitors are family, friends and the occasional workmen. For some reason she has taken against her new neighbours and although there is no way that they would be able to access her flat and do the things she claims they have done, she isn't comvinced and had the mortice lock on her door changed. The cyinder latch one remains the same. When I got there yesterday she was very confused about it all, saying things like ' Why has he given me two different keys' and 'So I don't need to use the top lock' The answers being 'Both keys are the same and yes you do'. I fully expect her to manage to lock herself out or at least not be able to work the lock to get back in. If it means she stops thinking things are being stolen it'll be worth it, but I'm not holding my breath.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
When my parents moved into assisted living they were warned that it was like a hotel -- people coming in to clean, to see to your needs, etc. You would not scatter your diamonds on the nightstand in a hotel, would you? So they prudently parked their valuables with my brother.
I agree however that it's so easy for the elderly to become victims.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, I don't honestly think these things are susceptible to reason or logic.
Also, the more APs are warned about bad things happening, the more they worry about them, the more they convince themselves these things are really happening to them; viz. the Dowager, convinced she was running up huge bills on her computer - 'but Mum, you haven't GOT a computer' ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
I'm not for one moment denying that things are stolen, or go missing without explanation. BUT if you are in denial about your failing memory, it's preferable to put together a story of how your next-door neighbours have stolen something, rather than to admit that you put it down somewhere and haven't the first clue where!
Mum's lovely cleaner had - mercifully - been a care worker, so she bore with equanimity charges of breaking a little box in a room she didn't go into; stealing the Dowager's red wine (I had to point out that she only drank cider, so the Merlot had little or no attraction for her) and moving the china from one cupboard to another ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
Penny S, doesn't this bear out what we were saying about our APs (or those by proxy)? They don't change, they just become more like the people they always were, as the frontal lobes decay and all the filters come off? Bullies, sweeties, thieves...
Mrs. S, wondering how she'll turn out ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I am goiong to have to be very, very careful. Having thought on occasion that someone has taken something. There were my secateurs, gone missing after a session in the communal garden, shortly before, for the only time they were there, one household did a pruning job on some ivy by their door. They turned up during my move, in a box under the sink! To which no-one had access.
OTOH, my best kitchen knife went missing while builders were about, from the place I had put it out of the way of anyone who might get in to the first floor from the scaffolding, which meant I wasn't entirely sure where it should be. It never turned up in the move.
I am far too suspicious. I could be awful in old age.
[ 20. January 2018, 14:36: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
My father had his surgery on his one eye that sees yesterday. They don't keep anyone overnight in hosp for such things. He was supposed to have contacted his assisted living paved for the enhance unit bit didn't. He believed he could manage completly blind. So we show up and graciously they take him in. I wanted to be mad and his face looked like he could cry. I fed him supper with the lovely kind care aid who grasped my hand and said they'd take care of him. I got there in the morning at 6:30 to get him back to hosp and he was cleaned up, bragged about eating all the oatmeal they gave him. At hosp they unbandaged and he sees better than he did. This was not the expectation. Tired and relieved.
Crazily I was called over to cry with friend's children who lost their dad a week ago today last evening after done with my father.
I dreamed of the Easter garden last night. Where tears leave and they recognise the Gardner.FWIW
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Gramps49
Shipmate
# 16378
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Posted
This thread speaks to me very well. My mother is 92 and still in her home. My brother checks in on her at least once a day, sometimes twice. My youngest brother has a form of dementia (He is 57) so the other brother also checks on him.
Myself, I am becoming more limited as time goes on too. My right leg goes numb because of arthritis in my back. The nerve channel in the L4 has calcium deposits that are pinching it. I am due for an MRI within a few days to see what damage there is in that area.
Five years ago, I could practically do anything. So it is frustrating to not be able to do as much as I could back then.
My wife will not let me climb ladders anymore. Last summer I mowed the lawn. Don't know that I will be able to do it this summer. Used to walk the dog. Wife will do it now. Pain level hovers around 5.
I know the kids are talking about how they are going to care for us. Kind of difficult when they are five hundred miles away from us. One of them has told us when the time comes they will take care of us.
It is the pits getting old. I keep telling my younger friends not to do it, but they remind me the of the alternative.
Posts: 2193 | From: Pullman WA | Registered: Apr 2011
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
No Prophet - hope your father is doing well after his op. Gramps49, that's the problem isn't it? Not only are our parents getting older but so are we. I hope you can get some relief for your knee.
Went to see my mother today. She wasn't mentioning things being stolen, and seemed a bit more excepting that she does mislay things. As I thought she would, she managed to do something to one of her locks and had to get the locksmith round to sort it. Lucky she lives somewhere where people seem prepared to go out of their way to help old people. Someone gave her a lift home the other day when the buses were on diversion and she couldn't work out where to get her bus from.
Other than that I was a bit worried that she seemed a bit unsteady on her feet. She'd been very slow at walking for a while, but she stumbled a few times. I'm hoping it was either because she was wearing her dark glasses on a dull day which meant she could see even less than usual or because I was trying to get her to walk a bit faster and her feet were getting confused. Mind you she did say that if she started having mobility problems she'd have to consider more help. At the moment she thinks people who use walking sticks are giving in to old age!
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Here is a tip. If you ever need to do an 'about me' sheet for someone else's care assessment actually make it about the person it is supposed to be about.
My sister and I were absolutely gobsmacked when someone commented with surprise that my mum's one was actually about my mum.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Yup, Jengie, I guess a lot of people are so self-centred that they end up writing about themselves!
Now on Friday I had quite a difficult visit with the Dowager - I got stroppy when, having carefully trimmed her nails, she announced that they were horrible! (To be fair, I'd also done a load of other things for her before I even got to Care Home 2)
However Miss S, SiL and the Intrepid Grandson had a lovely couple of hours with her today. WHY do other people get on better with her than I do?
Answer: because they turn up and make sympathetic noises, whereas I am the one actually responsible for her ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Mrs. S, feeling under-appreciated
for all of us, under-appreciated and over-stretched
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354
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Posted
Whenever we visit Mr. Plummer's mother in the care home, she spends most of the time being demanding or complaining, so we dread going. Other people report that when they see her she's very jolly and they have a good laugh.
We think she feels she has to put on a good show for the other people, to make sure that they go again, whereas she knows we've got to visit regularly ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posts: 577 | Registered: Jan 2008
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thank you Polly, that makes me feel better.
It's a bit like Sarasa's Dowager, who won't pay for help but gets her daughter to do it all - I think the Dowager sometimes sees me as an employee ('I'll have my medicine now') whose feelings she doesn't need to consider.
Though it makes me laugh to remember her sister, Aunt Marjorie (even more Dowager-like) who once asked Mum what she'd been doing to herself as she looked like nothing on earth. In high dudgeon, my mother stormed out. When my cousin pulled his mother up about being rude, she replied ' She's my sister, I can say what I like to her!'
Anyway she apparently had a high old time yesterday helping the Intrepid Grandson to do his jigsaw puzzles but it's clear that she needs someone to chivvy her along into doing anything at all.
BTW, Sarasa, my MiL became housebound after a fall or two, simply because she refused to use a stick. Using a stick, she said, would make her look old ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif) and she was only eighty-some
Mrs. S, deeply grateful both for the support and the safety valve ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
I sometimes felt like a rather incompetent under-housemaid where my father was concerned, where as he'd treat my sister-in-law with more respect, only complaining about her "bossiness" after she had left.
Huia ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
Mrs S, I think it’s easier to be patient - and to get aging relative's respect - when you have a bit more distance. So your daughter doesn’t get as frustrated as you do.
My mother-in-law is a rather difficult person, and I suspect things aren’t going to improve the older she gets… However, I’ve noticed that I find it much easier to be patient with her than my husband does. Because she’s not my mother.
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
D has been itemising things which are "hers". Unfortunately, a number of them are, in fact, mine. She believes the nurses have prescribed them for her. Thus the medical needs stool I picked up in Oxfam is hers (OK, £2.99, what am I fussing about?) Also the John Lewis tray she has been using for her meals. Given to her with the anti-sores cushion from the NHS. When I pointed out that I had had it for years, she took against it. It was too slippery. I put a silicone sheet on it. She didn't want that. Then she didn't want the tray at all.
I have ordered a non-slip tray for her. "Why did you do that?" she says.
She uses "my" of things a lot, and I had thought it was just a figure of speech.
Gah!
She has been casting loving eyes on my grandparent's chiming clock.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
More positive news from the Dowager - she has been very concerned about my cough, which has sounded far worse than it actually is. Also, she was very concerned about another resident, who has been upset/tipped off balance by a letter. It seems like a long time since she worried about anyone else! but I think this is the effect of being fed and watered at regular intervals ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
I wrote a round-robin letter once I decided she was settled and sent it to all the senders of Christmas cards that I could cross-reference with her address book, and any number of them have written and called to thank me and say they'll keep in touch, which is brilliant ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
She should have been taken out to lunch yesterday by the sons of my god-mother, a friend of decades now deceased, and today by her teaching friends - so I just hope that all went well
Mrs. S, Greatly Relieved
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Mrs S -that is good news. I was wondering if you'd be having problems when 'pick-up' day came round, but it sounds that things have taken a turn for the better.
I had a phone call from my mother yesterday. Apparently both her dark glasses and leggings had gone 'missing', she didn't say stolen which is a relief. Her solution was to hire a taxi to take her to the nearest large shopping area, get the driver to wait while she went to Boots for a new pair of dark glasses and then get him to drive her to Marks and Spencer to buy leggings. She didn't say if she got him to wait to take her home. The shopping centre is accesable by bus from outside her front door, and both shops are within a hundred yards of each other. Although she'd deny it it's obvious she is beginning to find walking any distance more difficult
WIsh me luck, I'm going over there tomorrow to stay the night and go with her to hospital very early on Friday morning as she had a (very) minor op planned. The idea is that I then go home with her stay a night or two and then she goes to my brother. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm a useless nurse, and though mum has a spare room she doesn't have a spare bed. I feel I'm a little beyond crashing out on sofas.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
though mum has a spare room she doesn't have a spare bed. I feel I'm a little beyond crashing out on sofas.
I know it's short notice, but could you round up some (second-hand) furniture to have sent over? Possibly for future use?
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Good luck with that, Sarasa - hope your mum's op. goes well.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Can you do one of those inflatable spare beds? I used to have one, but sent it to Calais, and it was not used here, so I can't answer for their comfort.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, I would say resist any temptation to make your Mum's spare room more comfortable. As things are you can say 'but sleeping on your sofa is giving me such a bad back, it would be a much better idea for you to go to my brother's nice comfortable house....'
Mrs. S, ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Yes, let your brother take some of the strain. You deserve some time off. And a break from the sofa....
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
They're right - you won't be much use to your mum if your back's buggered.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Not to mention that you need some head time of your own.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Aging P update. After an uncomfortable night on the floor I took mum in for the op which seems to have gone well. They didn't say at the pre-op but apparently all elderly patients are kept in for at least one night.
Apart from that, despite the lock change she still thinks her neighbours are stealing stuff. Latest theory is that they are in cahoots with the local locksmith. One of the things that was 'stolen' was a pair of dark glasses. I found them where they should be, but she claims they are not the right pair (they are).
All of this on top of the op is a worry, but hopefully my brother will come through and take her to his when she comes out.
At the moment I'm trying to do some much needed housework, the sink top is green and the carpet is covered in cornflakes.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
D has, while I was out, been up to "my" end of the kitchen, leaving a trail of tissues on the floor - and I don't know what she has done, so I don't know if I need to do anything.
Do I sound paranoid?
She usually leaves a mess behind her, but the only thing different is that the length of duck tape I put along the front of the sink with a message to suggest to anyone who thought it was a good idea to tip the bowl of water used for washing her feet in where food was prepared that the loo downstairs was a better place is now waterlogged and coming loose. (I am amazed that some nurses do this.) This happened last time she went up there. It doesn't happen when I do washing up. Odd.
[ 09. February 2018, 13:27: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Typically my brother has gone very quiet about coming and taking her to his place, so I'm still here. Mum is home and pretty fit considering but so muddled mentally.
Penny S, if having D is causing that much angst go and see you GP and find a solution. As has been said before it should be her son sorting stuff out
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
for Penny S and Sarasa. Good luck ladies
The Dowager - and this is no surprise - has contracted a chest infection. She's on antibiotics but they seem to be taking a while to kick in, and I'm waiting to hear from the home whether the out-of-hours doctor got to see her yesterday. She has COPD brought on by years of inherited asthma and smoking, so it's not surprising any cough turns into bronchitis or worse.
I remember once, some years ago, when all she would do was bleat 'I don't want to go to hospital' and I had to say 'the alternative is you sit there and die, what's it to be?'.
She got her coat.
Mrs. S, so thankful that someone else is having that conversation
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope the dowager is on the mend soon Mrs S.
I told my brother and sister in law I was going home today, but mum needed an eye kept on her. SiL has commanded brother to come and pick mum up at lunch time. Hurrah.
In the meantime I've found some 'stolen' leggings. Mum is so obsessed with things being stolen that she hides them away and then can't remember where she put them.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
To all coping with memory-challenged relatives.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thanks for your good wishes, all - the Dowager is on the mend. The out-of-hours doctor prescribed another lot of antibiotics and some steroids, so she is much better this morning
With luck, both Master S and I should be able to see her briefly tomorrow
Mrs. S, relieved
PS: Sarasa, thank God for your SiL, bless her
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Yes, thank God for my sister-in-law . My mother thinks she has my brother under her thumb and a is stopping him seeing mum. It's actually the reverse, and she makes him do stuff.
She is now claiming the hospital tried to poison her, and wants to sue them. She's called me prissy for defending the nurses etc. Only two more hours and I'm out of here.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Don't let anything stand in your way.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
D's son has tried and tried to get D to do what needs to be done, but because she is the householder, has capacity, and will not assent to anything being done, or to consider POA, he cannot do anything. He has had legal advice on this. He has had advice from her usual doctor which confirms it. He has had input from the group set up in the hospital to expedite discharge, which confirms that there is absolutely nothing he can do. He has had input, recently, from social services after the dietitian went to them about the situation. Everyone has their hands tied. And the dietitian cannot now discuss her care with me because she has said she doesn't want her business discussed with me.
Meanwhile, he has this thing wrong which may or may not have begun with flu, but has resulted in a sort of dysphasia, which seems to be getting a bit better, but not better enough, fast enough, and which I cannot get him to approach help with.
[ 11. February 2018, 11:19: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Aravis
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# 13824
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Posted
Penny, I'm not sure if I've asked this before, but what would you like to happen if you had the choice?
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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Penny S
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# 14768
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D to agree to the work at her house and to cooperate with her local social services to establish a sensible care scheme.
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Gee D
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# 13815
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quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
And the dietitian cannot now discuss her care with me because she has said she doesn't want her business discussed with me.
Well, in that case make it very clear to all that you are not the one to provide care to D.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
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It's lucky when they keep the older patients in hosp overnight. Not here though.
Update on father's eyesight is that the check at post-surgical opthalmology appt is that sight is the same. He insists it isn't. They have him 4x/day with one drop, 2x/day with a second and 2x tablet, all to lower the pressure. The 3x/day eye drop is discontinued (thank God!). I've written instructions in 2" felt pen, labelling everything. It is basically going okay on the medication front. I phone every day 4x to remind. But he's poorly on the morale. I can get him talking after about 90 mins, deflecting from the complaints and upset, a very tiring thing. I've found asking his opinion helps. Not sure, but we may have to hire Homecare to come in. It's this or the dreaded discussion of moving to a place with additional care.
The difficulties all of us face are quite significant and draining aren't they?
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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lily pad
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# 11456
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If you can find someone to call, I know our province has home care support at a reasonable rate. Many churches, seniors groups, and high schools have visitors who will come too. Any chance he would make a good tutor for a high school student? Could give him something to look forward to and wouldn't tax his eyesight if it was a subject he knows well. Good luck with it all. I'm still unwell enough that my 82 year old father could likely join in the conversation only I would be the subject!
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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!
Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
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I would have loved to see him being a tutor. He's certainly smart enough even at 91, he's a PhD in geophysics. He didn't ever like children or young people enough. My parents left the country when their grandchildren were babies. Spent an average of 2 weeks every 2 years with them. I only began to really reconnect with him when my mother died (a different disaster) and moved him back here, got him the 1st surgery which saved his sight at all, from rural Mexico after 30 years away. Of my children, one is connecting but lives 2 provinces away. Very hard the whole thing, to have a needy elderly man who wants things he doesn't really deserve after abandoning us and making the wrong health decisions which ended my mother's life, lied about it etc. All not relevant anymore after 9 years but it haunts me at times like this. Of the 4 children they had I'm the caregiver. Which is okay, just is.
Homecare is ~22$ a visit if I have the details right. He of course doesn't want it. Which is the thing. I would have to manipulate and get the staff at his place to push it. He has 1 meal a day in his place and they have activities, basic house keeping once a week but it's called independent living.
Nuff said perhaps too much.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
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Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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The Intrepid Mrs S
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NP and Father Prophet (well, for all of us, really)
Amazing with old people as it is with small children - on Saturday night I was wondering if the Dowager would end up in hospital with pneumonia. Yesterday Miss S and SiL and the Intrepid Grandson visited and reported that she seemed well, just 'a bit of a cough'!
Luck and weather permitting, she should see me, Master S, his wife and mother-in-law today as they travel home from the West of England.
Thanks for all your support, people
Mrs S, hoping the snow holds off
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Aravis
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Thanks Penny.
The only way to move on from this impasse, as far as I can see, is for you to give D notice to move out and refuse to take any responsibility for resettling her elsewhere. It would then be up to her, her son and social services to sort out where she can safely live. But this is the nuclear option and I don't imagine that you could bring yourself to go down that route. It would turn a dysfunctional relationship into an acrimonious one, even if the outcome for everyone turned out to be better. (Some people do make this sort of decision, by the way; I've been involved with a case recently and after several months of hassle everything has worked out well for all concerned.)
It might, however, be worth considering whether you should refuse to accept her back if she is readmitted to hospital at any point, especially if her needs increase? Does she have any sort of tenancy agreement at your house? Are there any formal arrangements about you providing care?
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
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D is in her 90s, is she not? Both you and she want her to return to her own home, but the issue is that her own home is delapitated, cluttered and not a safe environment? The sticking point is that she won't concede that there are any problems with her own home and won't permit it to be made safe for her? Is that right? If she thinks her home is fine as it is, why does she think that she is living with you?
I have a minor issue in comparison with everyone else. It's etiquette. Dad feels that it is rude to have a phone / tablet on during a visit, when we are all supposed to be chatting.
My mother's cousin in Australia messages me photos / clips to show my mother. Dad is unimpressed. Another cousin writes to my mother via snail mail, enclosing photos, and Dad is perfectly happy for actual letters and photos to be passed round and discussed, but considers it rude for me to produce my tablet and show photos on it. He will look at real photos, but refuses to look at photos on my tablet.
I haven't actually told him that he is being ridiculous and don't want to hurt his feelings. Ideally, I'd like to get a tablet for Mum and set her up with a FB account of her own; she has at least eight relatives on it, three of whom are also in their 80s, and who use it mainly for sharing photos of grandchildren. I think it would be a great thing for Mum. But I have to get round Dad's antipathy.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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jacobsen
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Is Dad's antipathy so loudly vocal that Mum couldn't decide to have and use a tablet anyway?
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Curiosity, we've tried to suggest Solitaire etc, but he says he's not interested. He does have a computer, in his study, but doesn't use it much. Mum doesn't go near the computer, it's very much "his" computer.
jacobsen, there's no loud vocal objection, he just makes it clear that he "isn't interested" in seeing photos that have been messaged via FB, though he'd be interested in the same photos if they'd been sent through the post. It's the suggestion that we're being rude to use the tablet in the living room.
Similarly, if Mum asks me about something I've done, e.g. a trip to the park with my niece and nephew, and I say "I have photos" Dad makes it clear that I'm supposed to talk about the trip, (polite conversation) but not show the accompanying photos (impolite use of tablet in living room).
It's bothering me because it's placing a restriction on their lives, all in the name of good manners.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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L'organist
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NEQ: How old is Dad? Is he of the generation that might be swayed in his opinion if someone he admired or respected used a 'phone or tablet for looking at things?
I'm only wondering because the oldest member of my choir (88) can be a bit cantankerous and very sniffily describes all IT/ mobiles, etc as "nasty computer things" and wouldn't touch. However, one of the youngsters showed her a thing about the queen (the oldster is an ardent royalist) and its all changed - we assume the reasoning goes something like "If HMQ considers it OK then it must be".
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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