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Source: (consider it) Thread: Aging Parents
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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OMG sister-in-law is in her organising mode (think Flylady on steroids or the tanks of an an invading army and you'll get the picture), and is so sure she know what's best for Dad. I'm not saying she's wrong, but I felt so bulldozed last night I hung up on her.

Dad has gone into respite care and there is a possibility that it could become permanent - which is what she and my brothers want. I have mixed feelings. It would be safer if he were in care (set fire to the house 3x) but i don't know if he's considered to be sufficiently with it to make a decision. If he is he may discharge himself if his leg gets better, and no one can stop him. If he thinks she's bulldozing him he will dig his toes in and do the opposite, just because he's bloody minded (even if he thought it could be in his best interests). Being a chip off the old block, I have some sympathy with this reaction, but it's not what she's doing that worries me. its the way she's doing it.

If there's anything in reincarnation I'm coming back as an orphan with celibate siblings (if any).

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Enigma

Enigma
# 16158

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On a positive note, sometimes there are magic moments when the family are together and all realise that older age can bring seriously amusing incidents and conversations. This week that happened - and whatever the future will bring there was a lot of laughter that will help us on our way. I mean all generations involved. [Smile]

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Who knows? Only God!

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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quote:
Originally posted by Enigma:
On a positive note, sometimes there are magic moments when the family are together and all realise that older age can bring seriously amusing incidents and conversations. This week that happened - and whatever the future will bring there was a lot of laughter that will help us on our way. I mean all generations involved. [Smile]

There were times in Dad's early stages of Alzheimer's that my mother said, "I have to laugh or I will cry."

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birdie

fowl
# 2173

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Dad's had a horrendous weekend. Saturday morning his legs just stopped working. Mum's been having daily help to get him up and put him to bed as she couldn't do it alone (she's nearly 82 for heaven's sake). When the carer arrived they couldn't get Dad moved with the two of them either. Long story short, he's gone into hospital for intensive physio in the hope they can get him moving again. He's miserable in hospital. Says he wants to die, and I believe him. Mum's in bits, although I think she would deny that until blue in the face.

I'm planning to go an see him tomorrow. [Frown]

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Huia
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# 3473

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Oh Birdie [Votive]

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Boogie

Boogie on down!
# 13538

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[Frown] birdie

[Votive]

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Enigma

Enigma
# 16158

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Birdie - prayers [Votive]

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Who knows? Only God!

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birdie

fowl
# 2173

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Well, a few hours after posting that, Dad died in hospital yesterday afternoon. He'd started to perk up a bit, and then a little while after visiting, died suddenly, quietly and peacefully in his hospital bed.

Unexpected in the context of this particular hospital admission, but not a huge shock, to be honest.

[ 27. March 2012, 09:22: Message edited by: birdie ]

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"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Oh Birdie, I'm so sorry to hear this. Prayers for you and all affected.

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Ferijen
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# 4719

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[Votive] rest eternal for Dad Birdie, and prayers for the rest of you.
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Jack the Lass

Ship's airhead
# 3415

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So sorry birdie [Votive] [Frown]

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"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
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Japes

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# 5358

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I'm so sorry, Birdie.

[Votive] May Birdie's dad rest in peace and rise in glory.

[Votive] For all the Birdie family.

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Pants

Emergency underwear
# 999

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Birdie and family [Votive]

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The Weeder
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# 11321

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Birdie, I am so sorry. You are in my prayers. [Votive]

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Janine

The Endless Simmer
# 3337

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Dear Birdie -- there's no good way to lose your Daddy... but I've seen worse. God's blessing and comfort on you all.

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Auntie Doris

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Oh birdie... ((hugs)) for you and all your family.

Auntie Doris x

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"And you don't get to pronounce that I am not a Christian. Nope. Not in your remit nor power." - iGeek in response to a gay-hater :)

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Tukai
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# 12960

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Here we go again. Aged mother (nearly 90) has just been taken to hospital in a confused state, as happened last year.

Although I live ~3000 km away (in a different country, indeed) , the good news this time is that (a) I was planning to visit her this month anyway, as there is a family wedding to go to elsewhere in Australia, and (b) a phone conversation to the hospital this evening established that she was sitting up having her dinner, which suggests it is nothing too serious like a heart attack or a stroke.

Will see for myself in a few days time.

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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I hope she's better soon, Tukai. Could it have been something to do with medications? I know MIL was none too careful of hers before she was in nursing home. Worst was insulin. Sometimes two or three doses, sometimes none and she couldn't say what had been done. Her diabetes was much better controlled in nursing home, but she also took or didn't take other stuff too.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Beenster
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# 242

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Does anyone have any similar experience that I am having with my mother? She keeps insisting that my father (who is in a home with dementia) has a few days to live. That deadline passes, and the new diagnosis is given - based on what she feels and not what the doctor says. First time, I rushed home to find dad fit and well, second time - I tried to allay her fears by unpacking the scenario and she got majorly cross with me (she does cross in capitals, bold and underline - it's scary).

I'm not sure how best to deal with it - it's having a significant impact on me, she claims she doesn't remember what I have told her or asked her (although she remembers some things suprisingly).

I've spoken to dad's carers and they say he is fit and well - minor issues emerge but generally speaking he is hale and hearty.

I've not heard of this behaviour before, so I'm at a loss (as well as being at my wit's end)

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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Your mum has not got mild dementia has she?

If so she maybe covering it with reasoning from immediate circumstances. The fact your father is not at home quite possibly would imply to her he is in hospital and then she creates the scenario from there.

When you reminder her that he is in a home, then she remembers that, but will then try and reconcile the two.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

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Huia
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# 3473

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This is totally weird. Dad has difficulty remembering where he is, and sometimes doesn't make sense (not unusual in someone his age and state of health). Talking with him on the phone the other day he was telling me about a radio interview on a fairly complex philosophical topic, and was able to explain the subject and differing points of view.

My doctor said it's not uncommon, but it threw me. I'm glad he is able to keep up with his reading too as time hangs heavy for him sometimes.

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Tukai
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# 12960

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quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
I hope she's better soon, Tukai. Could it have been something to do with medications? I know MIL was none too careful of hers before she was in nursing home. Worst was insulin. Sometimes two or three doses, sometimes none and she couldn't say what had been done. Her diabetes was much better controlled in nursing home, but she also took or didn't take other stuff too.

Thanks for your concern.

No,it wasn't her medications, but a different problem, namely a urinary track infection. Apparently with "little old ladies" who get this problem, their body chemistry is such that it leads to temporary mental confusion. Something to do withe the kidneys, I gather.

Fortunately, by the time I got to see her a few days later, the hospital had treated the underlying problem and discharged her with mind intact.

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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Mum was delirious with that on a couple of occasions, although I'd forgotten that till you mentioned it. I know of another with similar problems. Add in some dehydration and things really go haywire.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Beenster
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# 242

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Thanks Jengie Jon. Yes, I've been concerned about dementia with ma - but I'm not able to confront that possibility yet. I was hoping I think that there might be other options and this behaviour was expected. Dad has been in the home for several years and this "he is dying" business has only emerged within the last month. She managed previous blips much better - but she has always been deeply pessimistic.

UTIs are very scary with the ensuing confusion - men can get them as well and dad gets them fairly regularly - always responds very well to treatment. They can be hugely alarming tho initially.

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Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
I'm not sure how best to deal with it - it's having a significant impact on me, she claims she doesn't remember what I have told her or asked her (although she remembers some things suprisingly).

This sounds very similar to my mother a few years ago when she was in the early stages of dementia. Some things she would remember remarkable well, and others she would forget almost instantly. In those early days, she was aware it was happening, but would make things up to cover up for it. For instance, I would make arrangements to take her to visit a relative. I would even phone her before I left home to remind her, but I'd get there to find she'd forgotten all about it. The response would be something like "yes dear, I know you said you were coming, but I've changed my mind" or I'd arrive to find she'd gone out shopping.

Her frequent belief that your father is so ill may be part and parcel of the same thing as my mother suffered similar delusions. Again, your mother may well be aware of this and her anger at you is her way of covering this up.

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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Remember dementia is a symptom, not a diagnosis and has multiple cause UTIs being one of them, but drug cocktails can be another.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

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balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

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Please pray for Mum and Dad.

Mum dementia of some kind (test results on her condition should be coming back today) She has started walking outside in her nightie at 6am. Dad is near to cracking under the strain of caring for her.

Mum can no longer do the cooking, and Dad can't cook, though he's trying his best. On top of that he has weak knees and is going to have tests done on a heart condition at the hospital at the end of this week.

Help has been offered by family and friends, but dad is too proud to accept it yet. We feel helpless, unable to do anything.

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Last ever sig ...

blog

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Beenster
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# 242

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Another call, another announcement that the end is nigh for papa from La Madre.

I don't want to kick her into touch in case she is right and also it is cruel, I don't want to change my plans, cor this is hard!

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birdsoftheair
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# 15219

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we have been looking after Aged P fora while now but he has een discharged from stroke rehab with mild short term memory loss and aphasia which is shorthand for full blown dementia. [Waterworks] We were prepared for some loss of function but not this and are both struggling to come to terms with this new phase of his life. How do you cope? We were so not prepared for this level of responsibility. [Help]
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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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birdsoftheair - talk to your GP, talk to the District Nurse, talk to whatever the social care provider up there is now called. Do it now and make sure they listen. Get the help you need before you all go under with the stress!

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The Kat in the Hat
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# 2557

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Is he living with you? Make a list of all his care needs and they are currently being met (or not).
Have the list to hand when talking to anyone official. It helped us a lot realise that the amount of care my FiL needed was more than we could cope with and gave the Social Services a very good start in the case for residential care.
We didn't realise quite what a strain we had been under until he moved into the care home. It was such a relief to go & visit and not have to spend the first hour cleaning the flat, and washing and dressing him.

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Less is more ...

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Huia
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# 3473

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Birdsofthair, is there a system wher you are for getting needs assessed to work out what help he needs (and you would need to support him?).

I realise he may not want to go into care, but there is a limit to what you can do. I know for example that to my father we are still his children (in our 50s and 60s [Roll Eyes] ) so the caregivers at the home are listened to far more than we are (they are lovely and I don't mind this at all).

[Votive] for you and your father.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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birdsoftheair
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# 15219

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Thank you folks. We did get the local GP and community nurse in and they arranged personal care over the weekend. But he has taken a down turn and is mostly just sleeping all the time. We are getting good support now but it was such a shock when he came home and didn't recognise his own house. Sorry for the slightly frantic
tone of my post.

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Nenya
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# 16427

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quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
Another call, another announcement that the end is nigh for papa from La Madre.

I don't want to kick her into touch in case she is right and also it is cruel, I don't want to change my plans, cor this is hard!

What was the outcome of this, Beenster?

I'm just back from a weekend of visiting my mum in hospital - she had what they are fairly sure is a mild stroke last week. But may be discharged today. I hope everyone here is coping with their respective situations ok...

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Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Talked with my sister this morning. She tells me mom is falling further behind. Her dementia is now to the point that she hardly recognizes anyone, ever her husband (my stepfather) of 35 years.

I am grateful that she no longer knows that she doesn't know. [Votive]

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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?

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Beenster
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# 242

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quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
What was the outcome of this, Beenster?

I'm just back from a weekend of visiting my mum in hospital - she had what they are fairly sure is a mild stroke last week. But may be discharged today. I hope everyone here is coping with their respective situations ok...

Nenya sorry to hear about your mum - lots can be done for after care these days after stroke - and I hope you have a supportive GP.

My father - well third time was not the false alarm and he passed away a month ago. I said my goodbyes. Sorry for not updating, I forgot I had posted this and I was utterly crazed with grief. I think my mother was reading that he (ie his soul) was on his way out and didn't know how to analyse it. I miss him, despite the 3 years of dementia for prep, I miss him.

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Boogie

Boogie on down!
# 13538

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[Votive] [Votive] Beenster [Frown]

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Garden. Room. Walk

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Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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So sorry Beenster. [Votive]

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— Woody Guthrie
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Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
Talked with my sister this morning. She tells me mom is falling further behind. Her dementia is now to the point that she hardly recognizes anyone, ever her husband (my stepfather) of 35 years.

I am grateful that she no longer knows that she doesn't know. [Votive]

Campbellite, I am so sorry for both you and your sisters. My mother went the dementia/Alzheimer's path. I saw her forget the things she loved, and then the people she loved.

But you and your sisters need to brace yourself because it just gets worse. The horror of the disease is that it always finds a way to get worse. My mother then forgot the basics of self care and, eventually, eating before she was finally given release in death. Even knowing that they are not aware of what is happening (thank God) it is so tough to watch that happen to somebody you love. My prayers for strength for you and your sisters. [Votive]

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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Beenster, I'm sorry to hear this. [Votive]

quote:
I am grateful that she no longer knows that she doesn't know.

Dad had Alzheimers. I truly think any form of this or other dementia is much harder on the family than the sufferer, once it passes a point, possibly different for each sufferer. Dad knew something was wrong in the early stages when he, a guy with many degrees etc including one n horticulture, could not quite remember the name of one of his beloved plants. Later on, when in a nursing home he no longer knew. On my first visit to him there, he informed me that mum was shopping and would be back soon. With progression, he no longer knew me, although he always knew his grandchildren.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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A quote from the mother of a friend of mine, at her 80th birthday lunch -

"Do you think those little ones at the next table are twins?"
"Yes they are, and they are your great-grandchildren".

You have to laugh so's not to weep [Eek!]

Mrs. S, praying for all [Votive] [Votive]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
Talked with my sister this morning. She tells me mom is falling further behind. Her dementia is now to the point that she hardly recognizes anyone, ever her husband (my stepfather) of 35 years.

This will sound odd but there is recognise and recognise. For a while I rang regularly a friend J, who was nursing his wife through dementia. At the time I do not think she would have recognised J as her husband. However she always had a crisis when I rang for some reason, even when J chose the time so she would be in bed and sleep. I think she was jealous.

J was in his eighties and I was definitely not into anything apart from friendship from anyone at the time as I needed time to heal after a disasterous relationship. So it was totally wrong headed but you could not tell his wife that.

Jengie

[ 10. July 2012, 21:09: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

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Nenya
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# 16427

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quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
My father - well third time was not the false alarm and he passed away a month ago. I said my goodbyes. Sorry for not updating, I forgot I had posted this and I was utterly crazed with grief. I think my mother was reading that he (ie his soul) was on his way out and didn't know how to analyse it. I miss him, despite the 3 years of dementia for prep, I miss him.

I'm sorry to hear this, Beenster. Thinking of all those who have these hard situations to face, it's really tough. [Frown]

My mum is recovering though still in hospital as the physios wanted to do some more work with her. I think this is a Good Thing, but have no doubt she's pretty fed up about it.

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Beenster
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# 242

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Thank you for your sympathies, I'm touched and it means a lot.

Whilst dementia sucks, I did have a few opportunities to have conversations with dad that I might not normally have had for which I'm grateful - but it is a cruel cruel thing and I think dad set free of the prison that he had found himself in.

Coping with aging parents is a terrible way to be. I now have a mother to "cope" with and she is (and has been) demonstrating difficult behaviour but I'm giving her a very long rope to work her way through - but also a wide berth as my first priority is to myself.

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Janine

The Endless Simmer
# 3337

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It's a hard balance, a hard line to draw -- how much to interfere, when or not to do something. I know what you mean, Beenster, about the feeling that the parent had found him/herself in a cage.

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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *

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Nenya
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# 16427

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My mum came home briefly but my brother (her fulltime carer) was unable to cope and they both fell as he was helping her from bed to commode. She's now back in hospital. My brother's sure that with rehabilitation for her and extra help for him he'll be able to cope but I remain unconvinced and think the time may have come to think about a home. Nothing is certain yet.

I hope everyone else is coping ok.

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Huia
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# 3473

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On Friday I'm going up to see my Dad who is in care. His mind is sort of OK but he confuses the place where he was brought up with the place we lived as a family at times. We can usually tell where he means by the context, so it's not too bad. Sometimes he forgets the name of my brother in the US too, but he is aware of that.

He is much healthier now than he was before he went into care as he is eating more balanced meals. He still enjoys music too and, at his request I've bought him a CD of traditional hymns - which sounds strange for a life-long atheist, but he says they at least have a tune - cue to rant about 'modern music' [Roll Eyes] .

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Nenya
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# 16427

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It sounds as though your dad is happy in care, Huia. They said in the hospital my mum is undernourished so I do wonder quite how good the care is that she's getting with my brother. [Confused]

My brother is 65 and with no family other than my mum and me so I see years ahead of this for myself. Mr Nen insists that I don't need to feel the same responsibility for a brother as I do for a parent, but who else in the world does he have? [Frown]

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Enigma

Enigma
# 16158

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Why is it that when you plan to have a holiday both parents fall ill??? Neither of them want to bother me but Mam in particular is breathing badly so dunno what to do. Doctor has said no antibiotics ride it out but.............

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Who knows? Only God!

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Janine

The Endless Simmer
# 3337

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No antibiotics, Enigma? Was it viral, then? Or not an infection at all, but more a... "mechanical" problem, a problem of function? Allergies? Or, did Doc feel a strong antibiotic would tear her up health-wise worse than the breathing problem? (I'm curious about that, since I see every day the wrestling doctors go through about when to use antibiotics and when to wait.) How are they now?

I'm approaching 50 myself, and though I've never forgotten one of the kids' names (yet), while they were all still home I did fall into the "Roll Call of Mother" frequently -- "Bob! Barbara! Bill! George! Belle! Whoever the heck you are! Come and get this toy off the porch before I break my neck tripping on it! I swear I'll toss it in the trash!"... and one of those named was the dog...

Even now I do a kind of subsurface mental count of the kids, sometimes. It's as if I want to reassure myself where they are. I try to imagine, through those quirks of memory and communication, what it must be like to forget one's children's names, and then to forget the children altogether. So hard, so sad.

So far so good with my Daddy and FG's dad, "Father God". Sister cares for Daddy, he lives with her. FG Sr. lives with us... or perhaps we live with him... Eh, it's a big house [Smile] .

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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *

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