Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Josephine:
Here's a US resource I stumbled upon recently. Nursing Home Inspect is a webpage that makes it easy to find and compare the results of nursing home inspections.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aravis:
That's frustrating, Tukai. My dad is not in good health and has been in a nursing home for two and a half years. He hasn't suggested spending money on treatments (it's all going on the home's fees anyway); his version of not accepting old age was being convinced God would heal him of things. "If God gives me back my sight. No, I should say when God gives me back my sight. It's my fault he hasn't because I don't have enough faith. I do believe he will do it because it would be a witness to all the people here..."
Meanwhile I'm sitting there, making non-committal and vaguely reassuring noises, and shouting inside my head, "It's nothing to do with faith, it's just that you're 85 and things like this happen when you're old and you have about a dozen other things wrong with you anyway and what you really want is for God to knock 20 years off your age!"
And then I say goodbye and drive back to work after my non-lunch break and, if it's already feeling like a long day, shout it all out loud in the car instead.

---

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Squirrel:
Does anyone here have an aged parent who drinks excessively? I do. How do you deal with it?

---

I fear my brother drinks excessively... and he has taken the place of a dependent parent really, having lived most of his life in the family home and never having to cope for himself. He is 13 years older than I am and looks at least ten years older than that... I was mistaken for his daughter last week.

Nen - trying to adjust to family changes and process grief at the same time.

[ 06. November 2012, 16:30: Message edited by: Nenya ]

--------------------
They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Boogie:
Nenya

---

This.
(We may have more in common than a liking for tag-lines, Nenya)

The Dowager Mrs. S called me last night to say her oldest friend (and my godmother) had died. She was 91, so not unexpected but still - as always - a shock. All these deaths of friends are preying heavily on TDMS's mind, and she's worried she's losing her marbles too. Heaven help us - but then, you know, it will.

Mrs. S, quietly confident that this will indeed be so

--------------------
Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Enigma:
Shout very very loud and then carry on. Older age seems to bring different ways of thinking and apparently it's the younger generation who are wrong. It was ever thus apparently.....

---

This describes our lives at the moment. My in-laws, 93 and 90, have been very high functioning public figures (surgeon and UN rep). Its only recently that deteriorating bodies and, in my m-i-l's case, advancing confusion, have slowed them down.

What's brought me to this thread is her increasing insistence that none of her children comes to see her enough, repeated endlessly and with bitterness. Now, in the case of the three elder daughters, that's a bit of mission, since they live on the other side of the world. They're not the ones being complained about, though, its the two (of six) siblings who live in the same city.

My partner and I, and her youngest brother, visit every weekend, and usually once during the week. We make food for the week, attend to any heavy lifting and make sure that any doctors' visits are organised along with transport. My partner rings them every second night or so. Between us we get them anywhere important and make sure we understand what's going on. All three of us are working fulltime in pretty stressful jobs.

Last night my partner talked with her father on the phone and discovered that he is really worried about mother, who had a bad fall. She had driven herself to the doctor with notes from father on what happened (there are so many things wrong with this scenario that I'm shuddering thinking about it). Underneath the story was the criticism of us for not knowing it had happened (they didn't let us know).

On top of this, my partner's next-oldest-sister is stirring the pot about getting them out of their house and into a rest home (something I, as a social worker, am not that keen on since they know their house). This sister is spreading the agitation around the siblings.

I think my in-laws are mostly doing amazingly well. They're still able to cook and care for themselves, and they have solid support from us and their (star performer) neighbours. I think my m-i-l is becoming depressed, but given her problems with heart disease there isn't going to be a lot that can be done about it except reassure her.

Any suggestions about how we can deal with the constant "you don't visit enough" stuff? Without us moving into their house. Both of them have/had siblings who lasted to nearly 100, so they're not likely to die any time soon.

--------------------
Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal

Posted                          

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tree Bee:
Churchgeek, I'm so sorry to read about your Dad.
As WW says, it's hard to give specific advice as I don't know your Dad or the form his dementia is taking.
One thing we've learnt with my Dad, though, is not to ask him too many questions.
If he struggles to answer we can see that it frustrates him.

---

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Any suggestions about how we can deal with the constant "you don't visit enough" stuff?

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
I hesitate to paint its picture, as it's not pretty, but here goes: It's particularly confusing and distressing at first for the person concerned, as they know that they're forgetting, and they don't understand why others give them less respect and allow them less autonomy than they used to have.

---

I remember my grandmother going through this - she did get very upset at not being able to remember things that she knew she should know (if you can follow that), but that phase passed and she was became very happy in herself; it was just far harder for those of us who could remember what she had been like (and it was not until she died that I realised how many memories I had suppressed to enable me to cope). When she repeated a question after 5 minutes, I was tempted to give her a different answer...

for all watching loved ones go through this and for those (including my mother) who fear it

--------------------
"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Roseofsharon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Any suggestions about how we can deal with the constant "you don't visit enough" stuff?

---

One method I've seen work (to some degree) is for the confused person to keep a large notebook as a visitors book, in which anyone visiting writes the date, time and duration of the visit, and what they did together. You could try this if your mother is amenable and, while it is still possible, get her to write her own little note about the visit on the same page - or sign your entry.

---

This sounds like an excellent idea, although there's always the danger, of course, that she is so convinced you don't come very often that she will also be convinced that you are making up entries and forging her signature.

I also wonder, Arabella, if you and your partner could take a leaf out of Hedgehog's book when it comes to the statement about you not visiting enough. Treat each one as though it were the first time it was said and you may find yourself able to answer pleasantly and conversationally with a simple, "We come twice a week, Mum" or even, "How much do you think is enough?"

This did work well once with my mum, who did not have Alzheimer's but did get confused from time to time. It had always been our habit to visit her and the rest of the family in between Christmas and New Year, until she instructed us not to because of the illnesses that are around at that time, the cold, the wet, etc. Come the New Year we were in trouble - "You didn't come at Christmas." "You told us not to, Mum. You said it was too cold and wet and everyone gets poorly at that time of year." Pause. "Oh. Well, I didn't mean it quite like that."

Plus I think older people can simply lose touch with what it's like to have full and busy lives. We spent three intensive days moving my brother (65 going on 95) into his new flat and there was no real concept of Mr Nen and I having to use annual leave from work to do so and therefore we needed to make full use of the time and start at 9am rather than lunchtime which was his preference.

The "a home or not a home" is a tough one. I felt my mum would have been happier in a nursing home for some years before she died but was overruled by the opinion of everyone else, including Mum herself. You can only do what you think best at the time.

Nen - unsure of a lot of things at present.

[ 11. November 2012, 11:32: Message edited by: Nenya ]

--------------------
They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
No personal experience, Squirrel, but I've heard people talk about theirs. Is it about the person you're caring for, the care itself, or how you share the load?

---

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sandemaniac:


By the time we left, having done what we could (the Knotweed is at work today, so we had to go), Mum was functioning again, just about, but she's struggling to cope with work and Dad and the fibromyalgia as it is, she struggles to eat as it makes her face numb, so with my brother on top of all that we really don't know what the hell to do. We can't get him out, we can't find him somewhere to live because of his dogs (and I don't suppose he'd go easily as he has a cushy number right now). Even then, Mum still has a shedload to cope with, and gets rather less sympathy from the third offspring than she needs.

To top it all off, I've been jobhunting for eighteen months, and not visiting them very often was one of my coping strategies, because Mum just drove me bats about it... so there's me being selfish too, and it looks as though I'll have to spend more time visiting them, which will in turn make it harder for me to cope with the stress I have...

AG

---

Posted                          

quote:

---

Originally posted by Boogie:

My Mum is 92, can't walk, can only eat pureed food fed to her, has dementia and recognises nobody, sleeps nearly all day every day and is doubly incontinent. One of the family visits her every day in turn. Not for her sake or ours, but to be sure the home are taking good care of her (they are).

---

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Squirrel:
I sometimes dread visiting my father, for fear of seeing what else has gone wrong.

Having an aging parent is sort of like having a child, but backwards. Kids grow more independent with time, whereas frail elderly relatives grow more dependent.

---

Yes

--------------------
Garden. Room. Walk

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qoheleth.:
I knew the time would come when I needed this thread ....

I'm next-of-kin to an elderly spinster aunt, 40 years a Methodist missionary in India and now 88. She is showing signs of confusion and absent-mindedness, and her local church are getting progressively more concerned for her.

There's lots of stuff going on, but what brings me here is how to get her to stop driving. She only drives locally and dreads losing her independence, but we all believe she's not safe on the roads any longer. I was hoping the car would fail its MoT - but no! I was hoping her optician would call it a day - but no! What would be the ethical position if I wrote to her GP, expressing concern? Is he bound to do something? I know that he can't discuss her case with me without her consent - but I can make a one-way call? (UK context BTW)

Any wisdom gratefully received. I sense I'll be back here quite a bit over the next few months.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
If you haven't got power of attorney yet, my advice is not to leave it any longer. It's a nightmare trying to manage the financial affairs of someone whose bank won't speak to you.

---