|
Source: (consider it)
|
Thread: Aging Parents
|
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
|
Posted
MIL was a terrible driver all her life with many minor accidents and some not so minor. Advancing age made things worse.
She developed diabetes and was very unreliable with medication so Mr L (now ex) went with her to see GP. I rang the GP to alert him to problem re driving. Told him history of accidents etc.
When they arrived he attended to diabetes problem, had a general chat and introduced subject of co-ordination. Held up a pen and dropped it unexpectedly. She could not catch it once.
He then innocently asked if she was still driving and cancelled her authority. She was utterly furious, in her 80s at the time and never went back to him. We took the car away that day as we knew she would pay no attention to the ban. She told us she would drive daily to the club through the back streets and who would know. Speaking of possibly maiming or killing someone else drew stares of studied inattention.
We were very gratefu to the doctor for his believing us and for doing something about it immediately.
[ 25. February 2013, 20:53: Message edited by: Lothlorien ]
--------------------
Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
|
Posted
If she is showing signs of confusion and such surely she should be checked our for dementia. In the UK if diagnosed with dementia then the patient has to do a retest. They are very likely to fail.
I am not sure this is altogether a good thing. My parents act as a team. I do not think my mother has driven a car for twenty years without my dad being in it. My mum was always the safer driver, she has far quicker reaction times than Dad and Dad is getting slower and slower. In over fifty years of driving she had one accident and that was not her fault.
On the other hand the dementia took away things such as getting into the right lane, which was why she failed. Things that a good navigator can get you through. However one of the reasons she did that was because Dad always instructed her on that. He is highly pernickety about that sort of thing. In other words the safest way for my parents to be driving was for Mum to drive and Dad to tell her where to go. Now we have mum trying to navigate for Dad driving. Now I am not sure at present I would want Mum driving but there were a number of years when I was very sure that her driving and not Dad was the safer option, but legally it had to be the other way around.
Jengie
--------------------
"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged
|
|
Qoheleth.
Semi-Sagacious One
# 9265
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
Double-posting to add: If you can, get both a financial AND a medical power-of-attorney.
Thanks goodness, that is something she did agree to a few years ago. Fortunately, I did manage to 'lift' her GP's details a while back ready for this moment - so I'll make that call tomorrow.
thanks
--------------------
The Benedictine Community at Alton Abbey offers a friendly, personal service for the exclusive supply of Rosa Mystica incense.
Posts: 2532 | From: the radiator of life | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
Squirrel
Shipmate
# 3040
|
Posted
I can't stress this more strongly to all our Shipmates- get a financial power of attorney and whatever medical directive your government requires EARLY, before you need them! With my father we just stressed that this was something to have "just in case" something happened.
--------------------
"The moral is to the physical as three is to one."
- Napoleon
"Five to one."
- George S. Patton
Posts: 1014 | From: Gotham City - Brain of the Great Satan | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829
|
Posted
An update on my parents situation. Celtic Knotweed and I visited this weekend, the first time we'd both been since Christmas. My brother has found much-needed jobs to do and done them, to the point where we think someone outside the family may have Had A Word. He's gone hammer and tongs for a week at a massive job that Dad is now way past doing, and generally seems to be much easier to handle.
Mum is in much better health, and Dad is much more mobile now that the weather is a bit warmer - he really locks up in the cold. He was out on the garden digging this weekend and I did a lot of the plot myself, so he's catching up with the garden, which I think was really dragging him down.
So things are looking much better than they were. No doubt other issues will rear their ugly heads, but it's more in control than it was.
Phew!
AG
--------------------
"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869
Posts: 3574 | From: The wardrobe of my soul | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
|
Posted
That's good news Sandemaniac. Thank you for the update, and thank God for the answer to prayers.
--------------------
Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Squirrel
Shipmate
# 3040
|
Posted
That is good news. With aging relatives there are happy moments sometimes.
--------------------
"The moral is to the physical as three is to one."
- Napoleon
"Five to one."
- George S. Patton
Posts: 1014 | From: Gotham City - Brain of the Great Satan | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
|
Posted
I'm off to Queensland again (3000km from where I live) to assist my 90 y.o. mother, who having just come out of hospital after a fall , now seems to mentally not nearly so good as was a few months ago. I got this news from our son, who by a fortunate co-incidence has just started a 1-year course at a university near where she lives. (He chose this spot because the surfing is good, not because she was there!) When I followed up with her home care service, they said they were about to call me to suggest I'd better come over, so I'm on my way later this week.
I won't be surprised if this really is the time when she has to move into an aged care facility, despite long-stated desire not to do so, but to continue at home, with help from various govt-sponsored services.
--------------------
A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
|
Posted
I later have to write a difficult email to my sister. This one includes the explanation of why despite the fact he may get something from it, my father, an extreme introvert, is going to find it very difficult to organise going to a social group.
Yes Mum would get something from it and especially one of possibilities I can see as Dad getting something from it. That does not mean Dad is not going to find it an uphill task to arrange to get there.
Jengie
--------------------
"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged
|
|
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
|
Posted
My Dad had a bad fall in the weekend which was initially thought to be a stroke. He is now in the public hospital and will be released back to the hospital part of the care facility where he lives, as his dementia has got worse. He is likely to be very upset about this because he has been saying he wants to go back where he was and doesn't have the insight to recognise that the level of care is insufficient. ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
huia
--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
|
Posted
That's tough, Huia. My sympathies and prayers are with you.
In contrast, my mother has fortunately recovered her wits sufficiently that all concerned, including me, judge she is fit enough to resume living at home 'alone'. However the local home care agency [funded largely by the Australian Government] have agreed to increase their home 'nursing ' visits to 7 days per week, and are also increasing the hours of 'domestic assistance' (mainly cleaning/ washing etc) they provide for her. Also the family and the agency all agree that a condition of her staying out of a nursing home is that she gives up driving herself.
It was fortunate in a way that her latest crisis was this month, as all 3 of her grandchildren were available to visit and did. A few months ago, one was in Canada (the other side of the Pacific Ocean) and another was working full-time n Perth (the other side of the continent).
--------------------
A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
My Dad had a bad fall in the weekend which was initially thought to be a stroke. He is now in the public hospital and will be released back to the hospital part of the care facility where he lives, as his dementia has got worse. He is likely to be very upset about this because he has been saying he wants to go back where he was and doesn't have the insight to recognise that the level of care is insufficient.
huia
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad too, Huia.
The confusion of dementia is cruel. The care workers will know this, and try to bring as much constancy as they can into his new environment, I hope, and reassure you when you express your concerns.
--------------------
Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
|
Posted
Thanks Tuakai and Raptor Eye.
I am really impressed by the staff who have gone the extra mile - and then some. I do have family living closer than I, so have decided to wait a couple of weeks for him to settle and go up in the school holidays unless my brother (who has Enduring Power Of Attorney) asks for support, in which case i'll go immediately.
Huia
--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
|
Posted
My mum has just returned home after spending a couple of days with us. For someone of 85 she is in pretty good nick, lives independently, has a good social life and still does things such as keep-fit. The only real prolem she has is her eye-sight, which is very poor and likely to get worse. This has made her consider her living arrangements and consider the possibility of moving nearer my brother or I.
Unitl six months we lived fifteen minutes car journey away, we've now moved a hour or so away, and given up the car. It's easy enough to get to her place, but we can't drop in as we used to do. At the same time my brother, already living on the other sdie of London, also moved further away in terms of miles, though the actual journey is probably about the same. The worries aboiut us being further away and her sight have made her consider moving nearer to one or other of us.
I think it's a bad idea, house prices are higher in both areas, so she'll end up with something either smaller, not as nice or not as convenient for transport and shops. She'll also give up a lot of her friends who are of a similar age, and most not as fit or adventourous as she is.
My brother is keen on the idea, but I do wonder if I'm just being mean not being keen on having her in close proximity as much as I love her,she can drive me mad. What do you think?
--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gussie:
She'll also give up a lot of her friends who are of a similar age, and most not as fit or adventourous as she is.
A few years after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother moved from 100 miles away to a new flat 3 streets away from us. When she moved, she was still pretty active - she'd walk to the shops on a regular basis - and was able to make new friends fairly easily. Ten years later, she was much more frail, and couldn't reliably walk as far as the bus stop, let alone walking in to town. It was completely essential that there was family around the corner. She lived another five years like that - still in her own flat, but for the last couple of years with someone coming in every morning to help her wash and dress, usually eating dinner with family, and of course we'd do her shopping. It wouldn't have worked had my parents and I not lived nearby.
So my advice would be to look to the future. Your mother is fit and active now - what are your plans for if/when she isn't? It sounds like your mother is worrying about that, and for my mind her inclination to want to move close to you or your brother is probably the right one, and she's better off moving now whilst she's still a bit active.
If your brother is keen but you're worried you'll get on each other's nerves, could you steer her towards living close to your brother, and having him be the primary provider of day-to-day assistance, scheduler of doctor's appointments etc.? Is your brother prepared to take this on?
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
| IP: Logged
|
|
Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
|
Posted
I agree, Gussie - if your brother thinks it's such a good idea get your mum to move nearer to him. ![[Biased]](wink.gif) I do think elderly parents need to be close to family - there's a limit to how much you can rely on friends long term.
Nen - who wishes she'd been nearer to her mum in the last few years of her life. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
--------------------
They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gussie:
My mum has just returned home after spending a couple of days with us. For someone of 85 she is in pretty good nick, lives independently, has a good social life and still does things such as keep-fit. The only real prolem she has is her eye-sight, which is very poor and likely to get worse. This has made her consider her living arrangements and consider the possibility of moving nearer my brother or I.
Would your mum easily make a new circle of friends and social life if she moved now? If not, then it may be advisable for her to stay put, and for you and your brother to keep in daily contact through the phone (or better still face to face online) and to ensure that she has as much support as she needs, no more or less. This would keep her as independent as possible for as long as possible.
I think that people are better off with a lot of friends and relatives doing a little than with a single carer doing everything. Others back off if they think that someone has a 'minder', they don't want to interfere and they think that everything is covered. The carer often feels abandoned and cannot possibly cover all the needs opened up by loss of independence.
I know elderly people who are partially sighted and who retain their independence thanks to lots of helpers and gadgets.
Your mum is probably afraid of her future, aware of her deteriorating eyesight and the increasing likelihood of failing health. None of us can foretell the future, however, and she may well receive her letter from the Queen. It might help if you arrange a visit by someone from the RNIB.
--------------------
Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
|
Posted
I agree with the above. In 1976 my mother visited me and asked to move in with me - her health was deteriorating.
I felt it was much more important for her to remain in the town where she was born, where she married, and where she lived her entire life. She had many more friends and support there than she would have where I lived (and still live now). She would have had to develop entirely new support groups and friends. In the end, she agreed, stayed where she was and was quite happy. She certainly didn't lack for family visits from her kids and grandchildren and before she died she had the pleasure of hearing of her first great-grandchild. During her last few months of life, I and my eldest brother were down to see her every weekend, sometimes together or with other siblings. I don't regret doing this and staying firm, either. It meant an awful lot of extra work on my part, but I was happy to do it for her.
--------------------
Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
|
Posted
My father in law is 92 and lives 60 miles away from us so we can't visit often.
He has recently become unwell but my husband is facing hospital treatment which will last months.
I'm so worried that my FIL's health will deteriorate while we may not be able to visit at all.
I wish he had moved nearer when his wife died.
My two pennorth.
--------------------
"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
|
Posted
Hi Gussie,
From both professional and personal experience I'm not sure if this is a good time for your mum to move away from her friends and neighbours. How bad is the visual impairment? If she's getting to the stage where it's difficult for her to recognise people in the street until they speak to her, chances are she won't make new friends easily.
I'd agree with the advice to contact the RNIB. If you have concerns about her safety or her ability to manage everyday tasks, I'd also advise you to ring social services and explain the problem - they may have a social worker and/or occupational therapist who specialises in visual impairment and can help show her how to manage safely and independently, or supply equipment, or possibly discuss a small care package if she wants that.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
|
Posted
Thank you everyone for your imput about my mum. At the moment she seems to be inclinded to staying put and having a few improvements done to her flat. I was speaking to a much younger friend who has a degenerative eye condition this weekend and she mentioend the help that she has received from social services/RNIB, so I think I'll mention that next time I phone. I also need to make sure I go over and visit far more than I've done recently.
--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
|
Posted
My mother is 80 this month. She's in good health, keeps the house spotless and the garden weed-free, drives, runs errands for a 90 year old neighbour, attends a sewing group, produces beautiful needlework.
She was an anxious mum when I was growing up, and she's still an anxious mum now. Anything I say, absolutely anything, is likely to be misinterpreted as evidence I have a problem of some description. So I try to avoid being alone with her, and I self-censor as I go along. Often this means that I'm only saying "yes" and "no." I have a great relationship with my father, relaxed, warm and fun. He might roll his eyes occasionally, but he doesn't worry about me.
Has anyone else had a difficult relationship with a parent which they've resolved once the parent is in their 80s?
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
|
Posted
Not really. The main change is that I would no longer hope either of my parents would be a source of support in any sense, so I'm no longer disappointed that that doesn't happen. I guess that is a sort of progress??
I think sometimes resolution is easier to achieve with a different person. When she was in her 90s, my husband's grandmother was able to talk to me about some difficult issues from early in her married life; she didn't discuss this with her son or grandchildren, who were too close, or with her other friends, as she felt it would be "washing her dirty linen in public". Similarly, I've occasionally had chats with elderly friends at church about their relationships with their children and mine with my parents, and it's helped us both understand our relationships better.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Oh, hello all. Good to see the discussion about parents moving town to be with kids, or not, as my siblings and I are currently in a really difficult place with it all.
My mother is nearly 80, my father a few years younger. I don't believe either of them have a support system of friends or neighbours - they are friendly enough with people over the road, but they actively dislike most of the people at church ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) and don't socialise.
They've hit a health crisis and need to move house (losing the people over the road in any case) or find the money to do major renovations, with all the hassle and anxiety that involves. Selling the house and moving to a flat or bungalow is [I think] the best option.
I live an hour away, if the traffic's clear.
I want them to move nearer me, so I can involve them in church, music etc as much as they want to, and ramp up the care as they get older.
They are struggling to make decisions, and my sisters feel strongly that we have to make a 'right' decision and then persuade them to do it, as neither of them are mentally well enough to consider consequences.
It feels mad, to be honest. The whole damn thing.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
double post. Sorry. I won't be on the internet for a long time.
My mother is coming to stay for a week or two. She is talking about splitting up with my dad (at 78? After 52 years of unhappy marriage? is it really likely?) I've run out of knowing what to encourage or advise.
I don't even know what question to ask.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
|
Posted
Tallesin
Over a decade ago, I went shopping with my parents around my local supermarket. I went off to do my regular shop and Mum and Dad went off to buy the "treats" they could only get at my local supermarket.
Half way around I come across my Dad and wide-eyed, little boy like he says "Where's your mother?"
My response was a frustrated "You two were going around together not with me!"
We eventually found Mum, Dad had started telling her what to do too much, so she had wandered off to do her own thing.
I thought it was only children not parents who had quarrels in supermarkets.
Now I am not pretending it is the same situation but I suspect two things:
- Firstly that your confusion about the best way forward is shared by your parents. They are uncertain and trying to find a way.
- At present your parents are of different minds over the best way to approach the future and your Mum wants to move nearer you.
Uncertainty makes people more likely to blow a fuse and basically your mum has just walked off to do what she wants to do, just like my mum did, because she is not really up to dealing with your father at present.
Jengie
--------------------
"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged
|
|
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
|
Posted
If you're not sure what to do, IMHO you're best off to say nothing at all--don't try to make a decision and persuade anybody into it unless you are sure. Because people change their minds, as you know already, and besides, something totally out of left field could happen tomorrow and change the whole situation. I think I'd just let things drift a bit longer, even if that's only a day or two. And let your sisters, who ARE sure, do their own persuading.
I just spent a week with my own family doing basically nothing but listening and watching. They're all drifting toward various crises, in particular my mother, but I don't understand enough to know what, if anything, I ought to do for them. Though I do pray, of course. But the listening and just being there seems to have been some help, so...
--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged
|
|
JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
double post. Sorry. I won't be on the internet for a long time.
My mother is coming to stay for a week or two. She is talking about splitting up with my dad (at 78? After 52 years of unhappy marriage? is it really likely?) I've run out of knowing what to encourage or advise.
I don't even know what question to ask.
My mother left Dad on her 71st birthday, after 40 years of marriage. It started as an amicable split but the process of divorcing (necessary for my mother to be sure of getting some of his work pension if Dad died first) changed that. They are both happier now but being the child of divorcing parents is not easy, whatever the age.
I agree with the advice above; if you can, ask questions that will enable your mother to work out what she really wants. Help her to think through the pros and cons of any course of action (or inaction).
--------------------
"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)
"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Trudy Scrumptious
BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
My mother is 80 this month. She's in good health, keeps the house spotless and the garden weed-free, drives, runs errands for a 90 year old neighbour, attends a sewing group, produces beautiful needlework.
She was an anxious mum when I was growing up, and she's still an anxious mum now. Anything I say, absolutely anything, is likely to be misinterpreted as evidence I have a problem of some description. So I try to avoid being alone with her, and I self-censor as I go along. Often this means that I'm only saying "yes" and "no." I have a great relationship with my father, relaxed, warm and fun. He might roll his eyes occasionally, but he doesn't worry about me.
Has anyone else had a difficult relationship with a parent which they've resolved once the parent is in their 80s?
This sounds exactly like my parents. My mom continued to be anxious up until the day of her death at 78 (about a month ago -- completely sudden and unexpected by us all). Even in the last week of her life I was playing my usual game of figuring out how to conceal information from her (family medical appointments she might worry about, etc) while still chatting on the phone to her every day and seeing her 2-3 times a week.
But in the last decade our relationship had improved a lot. A big part of it was my self-censoring -- I just avoided bringing things up that I know she would be either worried about or critical of (and as I got older I began to realize that the criticism was really because of the worry -- something I didn't grasp when I was younger). This wasn't just a change on my part -- she told me, and others, that she was trying to learn to "bite her tongue" and not saying anything about things to do with my parenting, my career, my marriage, generally my life choices that she might worry about or disapprove of.
Also, in these last years we had a common project -- sharing in the care of her aunt, my great-aunt (who raised my mother and was thus far more like mother to her and grandmother to me than my actual grandmother was). We supported our aunt in her own home till she was 96 and then took turns visiting her every other day when she had to go into a nursing home, and Mom and I would always call each other after we'd visited her to report to each other on how she was doing and share concerns. I think it was when I stepped up and started taking an equal share in caring for our aunt that my mom finally began to grasp that I was a responsible adult, and our relationship became more equitable.
When she died I was (and still am) shattered and miss her far more than I expected to (my relationship with my dad was always easier, but she was the talkative one -- when I phoned their house, if Dad answered he and I would have a 2-3 minute conversation before he'd pass me on to her for a 20-30 minute chat). But for my own selfish reasons I'm so glad that she passed away in my late 40s rather than 10 years earlier (better for her too of course to have had those extra years!). I'd have had a lot more conflicted feelings if she'd died 10 years ago because there was more conflict in our relationship and less was resolved.
So I guess if there's any resolution you can find in your relationship with your anxious mum in her 80s, I'd recommend pursuing it. It is possible for relationships to change as parents age. I don't think this ever means they become everything you both ever dreamed of. My mom used to regret that I didn't confide in her more, and I used to dream that someday she'd say to me, "You're doing a wonderful job! I approve of the choices you've made!" Neither of those things ever happened, but we did find common ground where we could laugh together, express our love for each other, and share the things we enjoyed together, and I'll always be grateful for that.
--------------------
Books and things.
I lied. There are no things. Just books.
Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Ma has stated moving, not renovating.
Pa has booked an electrician to start renovation...
One sister is trying to move them to her hometown.
I am tired.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
|
Posted
Thank you, Trudy. That's very helpful. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
I'm not convinced my mother will ever see me as a responsible adult! I did help my mother care for my grandmother for two years, but that wasn't "shared" in the sense that Gran was my beloved grandmother, but my mother's difficult mother-in-law! One of my friends thought my mother struggled with my relationship with Gran, and she could be right. (A cruel trick of genetics - to have a daughter who is your difficult mother-in-law in miniature!)
Aravis said:
quote:
The main change is that I would no longer hope either of my parents would be a source of support in any sense, so I'm no longer disappointed that that doesn't happen. I guess that is a sort of progress??
but although I'm not dependent on my parents in any way, they are still a source of support, through their support of my teenage children, both of whom get a small monthly allowance, plus financial help with University costs. I'm not a source of support to my parents in any way; they are still the providers.
If we visit them, my mother cooks huge meals; not just a large meal, but a large meal with choices; she'll make two different puddings, for example. If they come to me, which rarely happens, Mum brings her own food, which is a very sore point. Even if I have food cooked and ready to serve, she'll look at it and say "oh, but you could freeze that for you to have later. I've brought this." ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
Telephone-wise, I have the couple of minutes stilted chat with Mum, and the proper conversation with Dad. I have no idea how Mum feels about this - it must be hurtful, but, like I say, we don't really communicate, so I just don't know!
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
that's really sad, NEQ.
My mum is with me, doesn't know what to do next. And no one can do anything til someone does something.
The only thing I can suggest is that she lives with us.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
|
Posted
I've been fortunate in that my (childless) siblings did the bulk of the worrying about/sorting out of our parents - although with my papa this was as much about gaining power and denial of access as filial care.
I feel for all of you who have a difficult relationship with your mother. My mother never liked me - in fact stated that I was a child too many and 'surplus to requirements'. I was fortunate to have a devoted nanny for the first few years and then built a relationship with my father.
As an adult I tried again with mama but she never acknowledged that I was an adult and was fiercely critical of all my life choices - didn't like either of my partners, practised rank favouritism with my children, spoke at great length about the (in her view) shortcomings of my spouse and our relationship. At her funeral I sat and listened while a friend of hers spoke at great length about a caring, warm and maternal being I didn't recognise and had never known.
My siblings are finally coming to realise the damage that she caused between us but I suspect that 50 years of division will never be healed.
--------------------
Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
| IP: Logged
|
|
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
|
Posted
Trudy, I'm sorry here about your mother's death. I found what you said really helpful, though in my case it was my relationship with my father that was tricky. One thing that used to annoy me was the way he got cross at my mum over various things she did. Now I find I get cross with her about exactly the same things, so I guess I'm more like my dad than I realised. He's been dead fourteen years, I'm sad he didn't live long enough to see my son grow up. The two of them always got on well, and I have the feeling they would have spent the summers getting drunk on my dad's narrow boat while discussing chemistry.
As to the whole moving dilemma, I don't think there can ever be an entirely right answer. My mum has more or less decided to stay put, but she's gone to spend the weekend with my brother, who may persuade her to change her mind and move near him, which I still think is a bad idea. My brother is one of those people who only communicates with you, when he wants to, so I haven't actually talked about him directly about it all. Certainly mum is getting much more stay at home. It would have made sense for my brother to pick her up from out house, but she's very loathe to travel any distance by public transport any more.
--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
SusanDoris
Incurable Optimist
# 12618
|
Posted
I have only read the last page but seeing the title, I thought I'd better take a look, as I am an aged parent, ![[Smile]](smile.gif) am registered blind and live alone. I would not move to be nearer one of my sons; they might, for instance,at some future date need to move to a different area. I think that independence, local friends, established routines and contacts are very important. I have a lifeline' button so that my family know that I can call for help if necessary.
P.S. I hope I haven't already posted somewhere else here - it will take a long time to check.
[ 27. May 2013, 16:58: Message edited by: SusanDoris ]
--------------------
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Posts: 3083 | From: UK | Registered: May 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
|
Posted
From what I have read of your posts, SusanDoris, you also have a very strong spirit - I'm sure that plays a big part in people's ability to cope and keep going in difficult circumstances.
--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Does anyone know - if a psychiatric diagnosis was given in the past, would anyone have a record of it?
My parent is doing mad things, and can't be stopped, can his old diagnosis given in early 70s be used to divide assets?
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
Does anyone know - if a psychiatric diagnosis was given in the past, would anyone have a record of it?
My parent is doing mad things, and can't be stopped, can his old diagnosis given in early 70s be used to divide assets?
I'm sorry Taliesin, but this does not make much sense. I'd strongly suggest that you and any siblings consult a lawyer who knows the present law in the UK. There are different approaches in different jurisdictions, even between the various Aust states, so local knowledge is necessary.
--------------------
Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
|
Posted
Tallesin, the situation with your paretns sounds tricky. Is there any way for you and your siblings to step back and let your parents sort it out for themselves?
As for my mum, she's just back from a visit to my brothers. He took her to see a sheltered development complex near him. She's not keen, one she can't really afford it and two she doesn't really feel old enough for one yet. I'm still pushing for her to have some work done on her place. She keeps going on about wanting to buy a little house. I think what is at the back of all this is worries about the service charges at her current flas
--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged
|
|
lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
|
Posted
A friend's parent has Alzheimers and has regressed? to teenage years, and despite being old enough to be my grandparent, tries to kiss me if no one else is around. I find it both amusing and uncomfortable.
[ 31. May 2013, 07:36: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
--------------------
I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
ThunderBunk
Stone cold idiot
# 15579
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
Does anyone know - if a psychiatric diagnosis was given in the past, would anyone have a record of it?
My parent is doing mad things, and can't be stopped, can his old diagnosis given in early 70s be used to divide assets?
Talesin, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a Court of Protection order may be your only hope. Unfortunately for you, it is explicitly stated in the Mental Capacity Act 2005 that doing unwise thing is not evidence of lack of mental capacity. As has been said elsewhere, I would talk to a solicitor now. Many of them offer free half-hour consultations: try to find one who specialises in law as it relates to elderly clients. There are such creatures, and this area is definitely a specialist one.
--------------------
Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".
Foolish, potentially deranged witterings
Posts: 2208 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged
|
|
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
|
Posted
Fuming at my mother. She seems to be doing her damndest to alienate every child she has by moralizing over their problems--or worse, the problems of the people they love. As in, "If your spouse/child hadn't done x forty years ago, s/he wouldn't be in this mess today." Or observing, "So nice to hear you talk about things going WELL for you for once." And then being astonished that anyone could take the slightest offense to such observations. And THEN telling me I'm way, WAY too oversensitive, that I have communication problems, and that of course she is 100 percent right (her own words). Now. Always.
Does she WANT to have no communication with anybody in her old age? And she wonders why people don't call more often.
I keep thinking it might be the start of Alzheimer's, but it's been developing this way since her forties.
[ 09. June 2013, 00:49: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged
|
|
Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
...I keep thinking it might be the start of Alzheimer's, but it's been developing this way since her forties.
Which doesn't mean it isn't! I had one person used to come to the place I worked who was 38 and quite demented.
--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
|
Posted
I feel it is me, too, sometimes but Sally had no concepts of time, place or person and was VERY confused - how her husband coped with her 5 weeks out of 6 was a mystery to all of us.
--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Fuming at my mother. She seems to be doing her damndest to alienate every child she has by moralizing over their problems--or worse, the problems of the people they love. As in, "If your spouse/child hadn't done x forty years ago, s/he wouldn't be in this mess today." Or observing, "So nice to hear you talk about things going WELL for you for once." And then being astonished that anyone could take the slightest offense to such observations. And THEN telling me I'm way, WAY too oversensitive, that I have communication problems, and that of course she is 100 percent right (her own words). Now. Always.
Does she WANT to have no communication with anybody in her old age? And she wonders why people don't call more often.
I keep thinking it might be the start of Alzheimer's, but it's been developing this way since her forties.
It sounds as if you are both judging each other. Are you like your mother?
If her way of relating to her family has been habitual for decades, she's not likely to change now. All that's possible is for you to learn ways of rising above her criticisms and bringing your personality close to hers in love through humour, warmth, shared history, the arts, etc.
Or so it seems to me.
--------------------
Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Raptor's Eye, while I'm sure that Lamb Chopped is a far more noble, Christian and forgiving person than I am, I'd see the response above (if directed at me) as deeply offensive and worthy of a hell call.
Just sayin.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
|
Posted
Please remember, folks, that we don't do snark here in All Saints - we're not there yet so I'm sort of doing a pre-emptive strike just to warn folks off.
WW
All Saints Host
--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Printer-friendly view
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
