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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
I agree with Hazey Jane, and congratulate you on coming out to your peeps at Uni--the more you let the people around you see your full and honest self, the more there is to love and connect with.
Birthday eve in monkeyland (I am, er, turning a little more than 1.5 Jade Constables). Feeling a bit mopey--I know it's just a number, but the thing about numbers is we measure stuff with them.
The last year was huge for me, in terms of taking risks and being open and really examining what I want and can be, relationship-wise. I am putting it out there to the universe that I'm ready, this year, to keep moving forward.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
The other way of reading it, is he is asking "Who would you like as gooseberry?"
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
So I was arranging a meetup with the guy from SCM in the Easter holidays. All fine...and then he asks who else we should invite ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
Another interpretation is that he was giving you the opportunity to clarify whether this was a date or just a meet up as friends. He might be sitting there now thinking 'Darn, she *does* want other people there. She's obviously not that into me. '
This is one thing in favour of internet dating - at least both parties know if it's a date or not!
Just go along with other people there and monopolise his time/attention while there. That might give off the right signal.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Well it looks like there's only going to be one other person there, and it's someone who can read situations well so hopefully I can work with the situation! In any case, it'll be a fun day so I may as well enjoy myself.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
Yay! Have fun ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
I'm excited about the plans emerging for the trip to a friend's wedding. It's going to be a lovely get-together.
The FB message from my friend was to me and four of the other girls..... I'm the only one without children. It's probably too late now.
I've been fretting over self-pity, as I don't want to be self-pitying. It's loathsome. I don't think it's wrong to be sad about it though, although many would tell me to be grateful for the life I have.
I'm grateful for the life I have. It's a good life. I don't understand how any of it happened, but then, I don't think anyone does.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
^ Amen.
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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Good news!! Science has solved a question we were kicking around earlier: what is the proper age gap in a relationship? According to a exhaustive survey of 2000 people, the answer is....four years and four months!
And, as I said, this survey was of 2000 people, so you know it must be applicable world-wide regardless of race, creed or social stratum. While it appears to be aimed at "mixed" couples (one woman, one man), I imagine it is equally applicable to single-gender couples. After all, 2000 people can't be wrong!
[Oh. Sorry. ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) My sarcasm switch got stuck. I've been meaning to have it repaired.]
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I thought it might be a good step towards healing to join this thread. I belonged to it 2 years ago, right before I met my current ex (who just left me).
I hope it's okay to put this here but I just wanted to say it made it extra hard on me that he left me 5 days before our 2nd year anniversary, which would have been March 26th.
I have a big mess to clean up (my place has stuff strewn across everywhere). In my pain, I have joyfully experienced so much support. My boss let me only work a few hours yesterday as I was not capable of doing much (my ex took off with his stuff while I was at work Thursday, 3/21. I found out when I sent him a voicetext msg on an android app we use and got a msg back "I didn't know how to tell you this, but [my step-dad] got me an offer on a job out of state and I had to take it...].) The neighbor 3 feet from me across the hall has offered to help me organize this heap.
I have a lot of people to call.
I was in much, much pain Thursday after receiving that voicemail text. I literally had a huge anxiety attack that lasted 30 seconds. After that, I jumped out of my car, started to walk around and called a friend to help me calm down. I got back into my car and drove home. It was the longest drive ever. Tons of traffic. I got home and saw the mess. It was horrible.
Since then, I forced myself to go to work yesterday a few hours. I felt that I would dread coming in on Monday. I did one email that took a lot of work (offering a deal to someone in sales), a few calls and then when I felt myself close to breaking down in tears again, I left.
I went out to eat with some hip neighbors in their 50s-70s. the youngest one in our little neighbor group is the 70 something year old. She looks 50. She dresses like a teen and wants to go dancing. She dyes her hair black and gets hit on by 50 year old guys. I may go dancing with her. After we ate at a Japanese restaurant near here, we got an ice cream cake at Bask N Robbins, which we took to her place and ate. I showed them the mess my ex left and they were shocked, they all know him. He was obviously in a hurry.
I found a dippy lovestruck card I gave the ex Xmas 2011. He had left it here in some candy box in the middle of the table. I was finally angry. I realized he just didn't feel the same way I did. That is why no matter how hard I tried, it didn't help. He is depressed and out of work since Oct. 2011. There were so many problems.
So finally, I slept well last night, the 2nd night after the break-up. I got up this morning and my appetite was back. I ate the rest of my udon. Made myself a cup of coffee (the ex used to make me coffee every morning and I was missing that, so good for me yay). I am watching one episode of Big Bang Theory and then will eventually go to my hair appt.
I have 2 walking buddies, one is a guy I knew in highschool that lives a block from here it turns out. The other is my downstairs neighbor. Lucky me! ![[Smile]](smile.gif) I have a full social life without even trying much. I am going to try a new church with my old church friends (from a church we all went to), their new church. I have a passover dinner I can go with my sister in law to at the old UCC church I grew up at. My dance card is pretty full.
With middle age, comes the wisdom finally to realize I don't need a man to complete me. I am fine alone. Inside of myself in the broken relationship I was in where I was, I yearned to be alone if I am truthful. I had a loneliness that I ignored from having a man around who just couldn't love me the way I wanted to be love. To be fair, he may have felt the same way. His daughter lived with us for 8 months. I felt secretly sometimes she was all that was holding us together. Well, it turns out after she went back to her mother's 2 Saturdays ago, he got busy cleaning out his storage and in stealth mode, planning a road trip to Arizona to his parents house.
I feel a bit better now. I know each day will bring more healing. And I can wait to date again. (Not that I have a bevy of men at my door). I am honestly not ready to date. I just don't know when I will be. But that's okay. I can take it one day at a time.
[edited because I'm full of awesomeness.]
[ 23. March 2013, 16:39: Message edited by: duchess ]
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Originally posted by dutchess:
quote:
With middle age, comes the wisdom finally to realize I don't need a man to complete me.
I think we do ourselves, and others, a disservice when we seek companionship to fill a void. We are at our best, both to ourselves and to potential partners, when we are complete within ourselves.
This does nothing to help your pain, for that I feel for you. You are better for the change, it just takes time to see.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Antisocial Alto
Shipmate
# 13810
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I have a big mess to clean up (my place has stuff strewn across everywhere).
...
Well, it turns out after she went back to her mother's 2 Saturdays ago, he got busy cleaning out his storage and in stealth mode, planning a road trip to Arizona to his parents house.
What a GIANT ASS. He had two weeks to plan and he *still* left the house in a mess? The cowardly, inconsiderate, low-down snake in the grass.
((hugs)) ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) Best wishes for the hurt to keep getting better.
Posts: 601 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2008
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daisydaisy
Shipmate
# 12167
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Posted
(((Duchess))) I echo what everyone else has said. I'm so glad you have a good network around you. May you find strength, even on any wobbly times you might find yourself in. You are taking such a positive attitude - go girl!
Posts: 3184 | From: southern uk | Registered: Dec 2006
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Thanks everybody. He's still on my google latitude so I see that he is still on his road trip. He left Arizona a few hours ago and is still moving onward on a HWY. I have a feeling I know where he is going since he had made a remark in the fall 2012 that he should move to a particular state where there was a job his step-dad could get him. We'll see if that is where he lands. I am not talking to him outside of a few texts to find out where some things were. I have the feeling one day he'll be remorseful of certain things, I have talked enough to him in the past to know I know all I need to know.
Thanks again for the support guys/gals.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
...We are at our best, both to ourselves and to potential partners, when we are complete within ourselves...
Amen to that!
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
[edited because I'm full of awesomeness.]
![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
Hang on to that thought and try and remember how amazing you are when the situation is getting you down.
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
I'm sorry to hear this, duchess; but I'm loving your can-do attitude.
Nen - suffering from can't-do at the moment. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Thanks guys. Especially when I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I try to be positive but I still get some blue periods. I am 72 hours from the break-up and I am feeling a bit more helpful. I gave myself 5 days to eat whatever I want. I hope I don't keep this up.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Of course you're still having blue periods, Duchess--you're still processing a huge shock. I wish you all the best as you heal from this, which I know you will--stronger in the hurty places, like we always get.
Can folks tell the story of how they move on? I can't speak for Duchess, but I know it'd help me.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I would like to hear how you all move on. I have been through a lot of break ups but I like to hear new helpful things.
I am talking to a ton of people, lots of people are praying for me, which helps.
I still communicate with the ex but it's all "where is the laundry key?" Last email was "when does your insurance start" for his new job as I want to take him off my domestic partner insurance but he has has some health issues and I want to make sure he is covered as I still care what happens to him. It doesn't cost me anything but he should come off of that, I know.
Things don't make sense, but he's a broken man not dealing with his over-eating of sweets, health issues (I won't go into for privacy reasons here), emotional issues are not dealt with...so I guess he is thoughtless as he doesn't check in with people on having any manners, feedback. Maybe he does? I don't know. But I expect he doesn't. In any event, I need to move on and heal.
Going to bed now. Thank you for letting me hijack the thread with my broken heart. ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I'm doing fine, I didn't meant to kill this thread. Keep calm and carry on! ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
I've been meaning to post to say that you hadn't hijacked the thread at all! That's what it's for.
Alas, w*rk things took over my brain and I've not had posting time.
Incidentally, the asking for another date I mentioned up-thread was successful. He's really quite disorganised though, so I'm struggling a bit to tell the difference between not getting back to me because he's not organised, and not getting back to me because he doesn't want to see me. I'm guessing the former, otherwise we wouldn't be spending about 4 hours together every time we see each other, I'm just a bit neurotic!
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
It's been my experience that if somebody is really over the moon about you, you shall see them lots. If they are stuck in the office, then they'll text and email you a lot. If somebody enjoys their time with you and is non-committal, then they will let you do all the reaching out. I can not say what is in in this case, all I can say is what I generally see.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
In fact, I don't really go on dates with any expectations as such, but I'm looking for attraction. If it's not there by date three, I don't think I should keep stringing the guy along.
For me, I don't think any friendship has developed to "I really like this person" in just three meetings.
If there are activities you both enjoy and welcome companionship doing, how is it stringing along to call up and say "I'm going to the play/fest/game/museum Saturday, wanna come along?"
But then, I figure I can use more friends. If one turns into romance, fine, but friendship is good too, and all that takes is a mutual interest, a tolerable personality, and some schedule compatibility.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
In one of the Tales of the City books Mona says to Mouse something like that she'd rather have five good friends than have a lover - I think she has a point.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
In fact, I don't really go on dates with any expectations as such, but I'm looking for attraction. If it's not there by date three, I don't think I should keep stringing the guy along.
For me, I don't think any friendship has developed to "I really like this person" in just three meetings.
If there are activities you both enjoy and welcome companionship doing, how is it stringing along to call up and say "I'm going to the play/fest/game/museum Saturday, wanna come along?"
But then, I figure I can use more friends. If one turns into romance, fine, but friendship is good too, and all that takes is a mutual interest, a tolerable personality, and some schedule compatibility.
Based on just a few observations and anecdotes (with maybe a little supporting evolutionary theory), as a generalisation I think men sometimes get to the point of being attracted a little earlier than women do.
I do think it's probably possible to definitely rule someone out within a few dates. But harder to know whether to rule them in. Friendships gained in the interim can be a blessing, albeit preferably not where one party is massively more attracted than the other.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I know I said I am not looking...so guess what!
Well, I have this old high school friend. let's call him Blond Elvis, because he's blond and loves Elvis and I am too lazy to think of a great nickname. He keeps coming around. I am not sure if this is the right thing, but he's putting ZERO pressure on me and is just being a friend. But he keeps coming around. If you want to know more, read my blog (PM me for the link as I not putting that link up in public anymore). He's hawt. I don't have to try at all to be attracted to him, I very much am. But we shall see. It's too soon.
PS: my facebook has him there if you are looking, you'll see him. ![[Biased]](wink.gif) sshhhh!
[edited thank you...thank you very much]
[ 04. April 2013, 03:14: Message edited by: duchess ]
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Always remember: the best revenge is to live well. Toss out the green willow and party, I say.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Adrienne
Shipmate
# 2334
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Always remember: the best revenge is to live well. Toss out the green willow and party, I say.
Preach it sister - from just such comes my current sig line!
Posts: 977 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2002
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
I appreciate the sentiment, but that song has been stuck in my head ever since I foolishly played it!
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
It would seem that the disorganised man isn't just disorganised, but also not interested. A message suggesting meeting up this weekend has gone unanswered, despite him saying we should meet up again last time I saw him. I'm trying very hard to think that it's his loss, and it was all very early days, but I did really like him and now I feel quite bad about myself. Stupid, I know, I just wanted to whinge. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Ah nuts! It's so hard for us not to get down on ourselves in situations like that. I always get stuck on an unrealistic idea of how lovely things
would have been, and then I mentally pull everything to pieces wondering how I messed up to prevent this perfect outcome.
Two logical fallacies in that, though.
One, there's no flipping way to know how things "would have been'. The most reasonable conclusion, honestly, is that they would have continued to be unbalanced and challenging. Folks feel stuff, or they don't, and things work well when the level of feel-stuff is similar.
Two, the idea that it's "I messed up" is a bit silly. I am privy to my own challenges and insecurities and history and quirks and poor decisions: I know a lot less about the other person's. But the other person is acting from his as well--none of that is about or caused by me, but all of that's in play.
Just my random thoughts, more or less designed to say...it sucks. I feel yah.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Scots lass:
It would seem that the disorganised man isn't just disorganised, but also not interested. A message suggesting meeting up this weekend has gone unanswered, despite him saying we should meet up again last time I saw him. I'm trying very hard to think that it's his loss, and it was all very early days, but I did really like him and now I feel quite bad about myself. Stupid, I know, I just wanted to whinge.
Bummer.
The way I deal with knock backs is to think: well, I tried that and it didn't work, so now I put it aside, and - hurray - I have nothing standing between me and the person I'm going to meet who I like and who really likes me back. Yas.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
In fact, I don't really go on dates with any expectations as such, but I'm looking for attraction. If it's not there by date three, I don't think I should keep stringing the guy along.
For me, I don't think any friendship has developed to "I really like this person" in just three meetings.
If there are activities you both enjoy and welcome companionship doing, how is it stringing along to call up and say "I'm going to the play/fest/game/museum Saturday, wanna come along?"
But then, I figure I can use more friends. If one turns into romance, fine, but friendship is good too, and all that takes is a mutual interest, a tolerable personality, and some schedule compatibility.
I'm not talking about friendship though, but attraction. I think attraction can lie unnoticed for a long time ("Why, Mr Jones - you're beautiful!") However, I'm going on dating website dates, so I'm actively thinking to myself, am I attracted to this person?
I've done 'let's be friends' with various dates. One of them gave me what is still the best Christmas present I've ever received: an Arvo Part CD and a DVD of Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Were-rabbit. Man, I wish I'd fancied him.....
However, it depends on the other person being interested in being your friend.
[edited because of brain-fart]
[ 07. April 2013, 00:36: Message edited by: Mad Cat ]
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
I've done 'let's be friends' with various dates. One of them gave me what is still the best Christmas present I've ever received: an Arvo Part CD and a DVD of Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Were-rabbit. Man, I wish I'd fancied him.....
Yes. See, I am that shoe on that other foot. I love my Penelope and do lots for her. And I suspect she often thinks "Man, I wish I fancied him..." But she doesn't. And I know that. And it doesn't change how I feel about her. I love her and want her to be happy. And being with me doesn't make her happy--or at least, not the way she wants to be happy. So I go on being her friend, even though I know it won't develop into anything else. Because when she smiles at me when I do something to make her happy, it is better than anything I have had without her.
If that doesn't make sense, be advised that I am two bourbons into the evening. Sense is optional.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
...If that doesn't make sense, be advised that I am two bourbons into the evening. Sense is optional.
Quotes file!
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
I've done 'let's be friends' with various dates. One of them gave me what is still the best Christmas present I've ever received: an Arvo Part CD and a DVD of Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Were-rabbit. Man, I wish I'd fancied him.....
Yes. See, I am that shoe on that other foot. I love my Penelope and do lots for her. And I suspect she often thinks "Man, I wish I fancied him..." But she doesn't. And I know that. And it doesn't change how I feel about her. I love her and want her to be happy. And being with me doesn't make her happy--or at least, not the way she wants to be happy. So I go on being her friend, even though I know it won't develop into anything else. Because when she smiles at me when I do something to make her happy, it is better than anything I have had without her.
To love, and be loved, like that is wonderful. Bourbons notwithstanding.
Nen - whose old heart has been done good by your post.
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Mad Cat and Hedgehog,
I would suggest, from my personal observations, that the nice is possibly an integral part of the like but not like.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
I've done 'let's be friends' with various dates. One of them gave me what is still the best Christmas present I've ever received: an Arvo Part CD and a DVD of Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Were-rabbit. Man, I wish I'd fancied him.....
Yes. See, I am that shoe on that other foot. I love my Penelope and do lots for her. And I suspect she often thinks "Man, I wish I fancied him..." But she doesn't. And I know that. And it doesn't change how I feel about her. I love her and want her to be happy. And being with me doesn't make her happy--or at least, not the way she wants to be happy. So I go on being her friend, even though I know it won't develop into anything else. Because when she smiles at me when I do something to make her happy, it is better than anything I have had without her.
If that doesn't make sense, be advised that I am two bourbons into the evening. Sense is optional.
I'll second that, with my glass of red.....
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
I love my Penelope and do lots for her. And I suspect she often thinks "Man, I wish I fancied him..." But she doesn't. And I know that. And it doesn't change how I feel about her. I love her and want her to be happy. And being with me doesn't make her happy--or at least, not the way she wants to be happy. So I go on being her friend, even though I know it won't develop into anything else. Because when she smiles at me when I do something to make her happy, it is better than anything I have had without her.
I am on both sides of this - men I'm attracted to who will forever see me as a confidante and best buddy (but never anything else) and men who I know love me but I have absolutely no attraction to but whom I otherwise love and adore.
and I look at my life and think - it's full. I'm surrounded by lovely people. My boys are surrounded by "uncles" who are shining examples of good manhood. and maybe that's enough.
Do I accept where things are now and just get on with living? Do I "settle" and have a relationship with a man (one in particular comes to mind) who is the best of all men, who will make an amazing husband and stepdad, but whom I'm not attracted to at all?
is that even fair to him?
I'm moving to a new town. I'm fairly sure if I asked, he would drop everything and come with, to join me and my family as partner. and it would be a good life. comfortable. even happy. But he's in my heart as a brother and best friend. I don't think I could ever honestly give him more.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Bummer, isn't it? But you know what you have to do (bring up mental picture of Garbo as Queen Christina standing in prow of ship, Renouncing like anything).
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
For me, I don't think any friendship has developed to "I really like this person" in just three meetings.
I've had a few - verey few, maybe half a dozen in fifty years at the most - friendships that got to "I really like this person" in about thrirty seconds. Both with women and men. But that's not about sex.
Sexual attraction on the other hand is usually fast. Maybe that's men. We tend to either fancy someone or we don't. But then we often find lots and lots and lots of people sexually attractive. (For me as I said before it is I guess about half of all the youngish women I meet) so in a way whether a man finds a woman sexually attractive is a lot less important to finding a relationship than the other way round
[ 08. April 2013, 17:54: Message edited by: ken ]
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
I didn't finish that... even thoug I've said similar things before. Possibly on this very thread.
Its what Comet and Hedgehog said. I think typically - not always but often - men have the problem of knowing a woman they fancy, maybe lots of people they fancy, but not getting the same thing back. Women are more likely to have no-one they are actually attracted to (or at any rate no-one reachable, no-one actually in their lives - we don't count rockstars and other people's husbands)
So a man is nmore likely to have the problem of knowing women who wnat to be their friends, but no more. And a woman's problem is more likely (more likely, more often, not all the time of course) to be men who they are perfectly happy with as frieinds but don't fancy sexually.
Which is what I meant by a wonan's fancying a man being typically more impiortant to forming a new relationship than the other way round. Because if she fancies him there is quite a good chance that it will be reciprocated, boit the reverse isn't true. (On the whole, on average, commonly, with a great many exceptions)
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
Which is what I meant by a wonan's fancying a man being typically more impiortant to forming a new relationship than the other way round. Because if she fancies him there is quite a good chance that it will be reciprocated, boit the reverse isn't true. (On the whole, on average, commonly, with a great many exceptions)
So when they don't call you back, they really don't fancy you then? Oh...
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
As a woman, I've honestly known more men who want to be my friend but no more. I don't know why that is. It is frustrating and I do empathise with men in the same situation.
This Sunday I met up with some Student Christian Movement friends, including the guy I have posted about. I had a really great time but I wish I wasn't so attracted to him! I know there's no reason that things couldn't develop, and nothing happened on Sunday to make me think he's definitely not interested, but it is frustrating. Him texting me poetry = not helping me keep my feelings for him in check.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
Him texting you poetry? And this is not significant?
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
is that even fair to him?
I'm moving to a new town. I'm fairly sure if I asked, he would drop everything and come with, to join me and my family as partner. and it would be a good life. comfortable. even happy. But he's in my heart as a brother and best friend. I don't think I could ever honestly give him more.
Amongst the problems are these.
I shall speak only for myself because different situations are different. One of the things I adore about my Penelope (not her real name, in case anybody was worrying) is that she is very careful not to mislead me. She will frequently tell me that I am "amazingly special," "immeasurably wonderful," and "absolutely incredible." She will assure me that she is "the most fortunate person" to have me in her life and has "such joy and thankfulness" for me. She once even went so far as to say that she will "always have a special place in my heart that is all yours." [All of the above are from text messages she has sent me that I preserve because they make me feel wonderful.]
But notice that she is very careful never to say that she loves me. That is what I mean about not misleading me. I know that she treasures me. I know that it does not extend to seeing me as a romantic partner.
Now to bring this back to your situation. Some years back there was a chance that Penelope might move to Florida. But she would never suggest that I come be with her as a partner, because that wouldn't be honest with me. She'd be lying and then the situation would transform into her "using" me. She won't do that because she cares too much for me to do that. It is just another thing that I love about her.
So, in answer to your question, from my perspective only: no, it wouldn't be fair to him. But, like I said, different situations are different. I am not him. His mileage may well vary.
[And for those who want an end to a story: As it so happens, Penelope decided not to go to Florida and has since declared that she no longer has any intention of going elsewhere--which delights me to no end.]
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lucia:
Him texting you poetry? And this is not significant?
I don't think so, we'd all just bought books before going to the pub and we were looking through the poetry book in question in the pub together. It was Sylvia Plath so not exactly a romance fest! And he called me mate when we met up for the day - that's clear friends-only territory for me, although maybe not. I don't know, that's the point! I haven't texted him back since the poetry, mostly due to running out of credit but also I just don't know what to say.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Jade:
You "don't know what to say"???
Try this:
I enjoyed the pub the other day - fancy meeting up for another pint?
The worst that can happen is that he says no!
Also, try someone other than Sylvia Plath - deeply depressing and, in my experience, a bit of a turn-off for most men. Try Dylan Thomas - all that Celtic passion - and the p**s take at the BBC (spell the name of the village backwards...)
Good luck
[ 10. April 2013, 16:48: Message edited by: L'organist ]
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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