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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
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moonlitdoor
Shipmate
# 11707
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Posted
The last few posts have brought home to me how little I understand this subject. Thinking that someone is amazingly special, would make a great husband/wife, that life with them would be happy, is what I would call a description of finding someone attractive. If I said that I found someone attractive, that is exactly what I would mean. So the fact that people can feel this and at the same time say that they are not attracted to the person at all makes me realise that there is something here that is entirely mysterious to me.
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We've evolved to being strange monkeys, but in the next life he'll help us be something more worthwhile - Gwai
Posts: 2210 | From: london | Registered: Aug 2006
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Info.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
(I am of the view that Sternberg's model is a decent approximation to reality.)
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Dinghy Sailor
Ship's Jibsheet
# 8507
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by Lucia:
Him texting you poetry? And this is not significant?
I don't think so, we'd all just bought books before going to the pub and we were looking through the poetry book in question in the pub together. It was Sylvia Plath so not exactly a romance fest! And he called me mate when we met up for the day - that's clear friends-only territory for me, although maybe not. I don't know, that's the point! I haven't texted him back since the poetry, mostly due to running out of credit but also I just don't know what to say.
I'm hardly Dr Love, but ...
The first signals he sends you* are likely to be rather vague, of the sort that he can step back from if he doesn't get a response - the sort that don't commit him, because he was only texting you Sylvia Plath, not doing something unambiguous like declaring his undying love. If he doesn't get a response, he may try a few more signals and he may try upping the volume a bit, but will desist before he decides he's embarrassing himself or becoming creepy.
That means that you now need to send a signal back. It can be something that is likewise a bit ambiguous at first, that allows you to retreat if you've misinterpreted him. If, however, he is trying to pursue you, he'll pick it up and he'll then have the confidence to try a louder, less ambiguous signal next time.
*especially if he's a geeky SCM type ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Preach Christ, because this old humanity has used up all hopes and expectations, but in Christ hope lives and remains.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Posts: 2821 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
Jade:
You "don't know what to say"???
Try this:
I enjoyed the pub the other day - fancy meeting up for another pint?
The worst that can happen is that he says no!
Also, try someone other than Sylvia Plath - deeply depressing and, in my experience, a bit of a turn-off for most men. Try Dylan Thomas - all that Celtic passion - and the p**s take at the BBC (spell the name of the village backwards...)
Good luck
We can't - he's gone back to Aberystwyth (he's at uni there) to do dissertation work. We're both from Coventry but he mostly lives in Aberystwyth and I'm mostly in Northampton, and at the moment with my parents in Hampshire where they now live. And it was he who texted me the Sylvia Plath, so I don't think it's too much of a turn-off for him. I'm afraid I'm not much of a poetry person.
The poetry he texted me was about trees being 'memories growing, ring on ring/like a series of weddings'.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
What a beautiful line!
How about you text him back to say it's a beautiful image, and to compliment him on his righteous cultural chops.
Everyone can use a compliment now and then.....
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Oh I did text him back saying it was lovely, and we texted a little more about Donne, but then I sent a general 'how are you' text and no reply!
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by moonlitdoor:
<snip>...... Thinking that someone is amazingly special, would make a great husband/wife, that life with them would be happy, is what I would call a description of finding someone attractive. ......<snip>
On one level, the list you made is of the 'head' reasons for being with someone. They should never be overlooked. But I was given a good piece of advice, which was that you should be with someone who Rings. Your. Bell. I won't attempt to explain that any further. Not on a webite. We'll get into trouble.
The reason you should look for the Bell Ringing quality as part of the rest of the 'Head' stuff, is that if that guy doesn't have it with that you, one day, you'll meet someone who does.
(Note: I'm not talking here about the normal difficulties and temptations that pretty much every couple will face and overcome if they stay together.)
As I think I said upthread, I have a friend who I wish I could have married. He's attractive, but he's not for me. I could have married him and we could have lived as husband and wife, but I would have been holding something back from him. It would never have worked. He's met someone now, and I trust he rings her bell. That's what I want for him, and for me.
Prolly still doesn't make any sense. Prolly a good thing!
![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lucia:
Him texting you poetry? And this is not significant?
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Poetry? That's extreme!
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
thinking of that disco song, you can ring my bell now.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
quote:
Originally posted by moonlitdoor:
<snip>...... Thinking that someone is amazingly special, would make a great husband/wife, that life with them would be happy, is what I would call a description of finding someone attractive. ......<snip>
On one level, the list you made is of the 'head' reasons for being with someone. They should never be overlooked. But I was given a good piece of advice, which was that you should be with someone who Rings. Your. Bell. I won't attempt to explain that any further. Not on a webite. We'll get into trouble.
The reason you should look for the Bell Ringing quality as part of the rest of the 'Head' stuff, is that if that guy doesn't have it with that you, one day, you'll meet someone who does.
(Note: I'm not talking here about the normal difficulties and temptations that pretty much every couple will face and overcome if they stay together.)
As I think I said upthread, I have a friend who I wish I could have married. He's attractive, but he's not for me. I could have married him and we could have lived as husband and wife, but I would have been holding something back from him. It would never have worked. He's met someone now, and I trust he rings her bell. That's what I want for him, and for me.
Prolly still doesn't make any sense. Prolly a good thing!
Makes sense to me. Attraction isn't a sufficient word for all the different ways we can feel about people. There are many kinds of physical, mental and spiritual attraction. I guess we all hope to find the person who matches the highest number (plus an indefineable something), doesn't mean that we don't meet people all the time who match one or two.
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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Cat:
quote:
Originally posted by moonlitdoor:
<snip>...... Thinking that someone is amazingly special, would make a great husband/wife, that life with them would be happy, is what I would call a description of finding someone attractive. ......<snip>
On one level, the list you made is of the 'head' reasons for being with someone. They should never be overlooked. But I was given a good piece of advice, which was that you should be with someone who Rings. Your. Bell. I won't attempt to explain that any further. Not on a webite. We'll get into trouble.
The reason you should look for the Bell Ringing quality as part of the rest of the 'Head' stuff, is that if that guy doesn't have it with that you, one day, you'll meet someone who does.
(Note: I'm not talking here about the normal difficulties and temptations that pretty much every couple will face and overcome if they stay together.)
As I think I said upthread, I have a friend who I wish I could have married. He's attractive, but he's not for me. I could have married him and we could have lived as husband and wife, but I would have been holding something back from him. It would never have worked. He's met someone now, and I trust he rings her bell. That's what I want for him, and for me.
Prolly still doesn't make any sense. Prolly a good thing!
Agreed - but of course, then you meet people who Ring Your Bell but don't meet any of the Head stuff!
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Is it fair to expect one person to fulfill all your requirements? What is wrong with having a number of people fulfilling different aspects?
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Is it fair to expect one person to fulfill all your requirements? What is wrong with having a number of people fulfilling different aspects?
Oh there's nothing wrong with that - I'm talking about when NONE of the head stuff is there! And then there are people who Ring Your Bell but you don't ring theirs - just general romantic frustrations ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Roseofsharon
Shipmate
# 9657
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Posted
It would be interesting to hear the thoughts of people who have had their marriage arranged for them and then found love for each other within the marriage.
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Talk about books -any books- on our rejuvenatedforum http://www.bookgrouponline.com/index.php?
Posts: 3060 | From: Sussex By The Sea | Registered: Jun 2005
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
We knew a Muslim couple who had their marriage arranged and did not meet until after they were married. This happened abroad. (We knew them when they were here for 3 years while the husband did his PhD and they then returned to their home country.)
Their marriage had been arranged by their families on the strength of the fact that the husband was good friends with his wife to be's brother, and the wife had been friendly with her future groom's sisters at school.
According to them, there were clearly understood roles for husband and wife - both married knowing what was expected of them. When we knew them they appeared very much in love, so it had clearly worked for them, but they said that even for couples who don't "fall in love" both would understand the cultural norms which, if followed, would result in a successful marriage.
The whole marriage functioned within a wider community - because of the segregation of male and female in their home country, it was important for each to get on well with the other's relatives - a wife would expect to spend time with her female in-laws and a husband with his male in-laws so those relationships were important, too.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
I guess it depends what it means by a successful marriage. I don't think I could consider a marriage where I didn't romantically love my spouse to be a success, no matter how much affection and companionship there was.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Jenn.
Shipmate
# 5239
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Posted
romance comes and goes in intensity during some(most?) relationships (as far as I am aware), so probably not good to make it a foolproof test surely?
Posts: 2282 | From: England | Registered: Nov 2003
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Oh I meant marriages where there's no romance whatsoever. And it probably isn't a foolproof definition but tied up with the western idea about what marriage and relationships mean.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Do you mean romance or sexual attraction ?
I have always liked this poem as an example of less dramatic love:
This is not Love, perhaps,
Love that lays down its life,
that many waters cannot quench,
nor the floods drown,
But something written in lighter ink,
said in a lower tone, something, perhaps, especially our own.
[coding]
[ 13. April 2013, 03:31: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
I have told before, maybe even earlier on this thread of my uncles first marriage or how it was explained to me.
My uncle when he was at University sewed some wild oats, including if I recall correctly drinking too much. A friends mother helped him at the time and gave him the support he needed to regain his equilibrium. A while later she became ill, and he married her in order to take care of her in her illness.
I can't say there was not sexual attraction but it is not mentioned in the story I was told. Yet they remained faithful to each other until her death. He married fairly soon afterwards someone of his own age who had helped nurse his wife through her last illness.
What I will say is if there is no sexual attraction but it is built on shall we say firmer foundations, you do need to watch out for sexual attraction if it strikes as its glitziness can be very distracting.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Love is not found, love develops, it grows.
What is found is attraction, and this can be good.
What is found is attraction, and this can be bad.
If one never finds the right partner, the problem might not be in the selection available.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
The ex did not ring my bell and I don't think I rang his. Now that I am getting closer to a month past the break up time, I can say I look back and realize I really WANT this bell-ringing. I know a man who rings my bell so much I am staying away from him even though he lives 2 blocks away from me, as he is unsuitable. But he and I email everyday. It's a weird and wonderful way to assess things. Whenever I see him, I fall to pieces and then hide it for fear if he knows, a fire will overcome us and my fire insurance will not cover the damages.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Love is not found, love develops, it grows.
What is found is attraction, and this can be good.
What is found is attraction, and this can be bad.
If one never finds the right partner, the problem might not be in the selection available.
I think people assume I'm single because I'm too fussy. I don't think that's the case. I think I haven't found anyone because:
1. I broke up with my boyfriend when I moved to Glasgow in my mid-20s, and then I was too ill with ME to get out dating for the rest of that decade;
2. In my early 30s I ended up dealing with bullying at work, had to move to a new town, and was somewhat distracted;
3. By my late 30s and early 40s it's appreciable harder to meet someone as most people are partnered up;
4. During this time I have been living with depression to various degrees.
So you're right. It's not about the selection available.
I think there's a clear distinction in the thread about where people are talking about attraction and where they are talking about love. I think I certainly know the difference. I love people I'm not attracted to, and equally, I'm attracted to people I don't love.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Yeah, depression and dating don't really go together. I have texted the guy suggesting we meet in the summer once he's done with the dissertation (May-ish I guess?), since I'll be in Northampton and he'll be in Aberystwyth until then, and accompanied the request with an appropriate bit of William Blake. No reply yet but hey ho.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
Yay! Here's hoping....
And you gave it a go. That's the important thing. It's courageous. And you won't sit there wondering "What if..?"
If there's no reply? Ah well. Next....!
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
He replied! He quoted Donne's The Sun Rising at me and then said that there was only one Donne poem he should recite by heart so we should teach each other. If that isn't flirting I don't know what is! So I replied with a bit of Spring from Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
How long should somebody wait to date again after I break up? It's been almost a month since the ex left and I don't feel any closer to being ready to date again. I am though not in as nearly as much pain as I was the first week...oh those first 3 days were the worst.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
There's no time-table. Just don't push yourself.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
The right time to do it is when you, within yourself, feel like you want to. Not "feel like you should", not "feel like the people you know would have gotten on with this by now"...feel like you, yourself, actively want to.
I know people who got into another relationship a week after the first one ended. I know people who have gone 5+ years between. I'm just now back in the water after something that wasn't even actually a relationship didn't exactly even end 8 months ago. I reckon we all figure it out.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
In the meantime, maybe a NoCal Girl's Night Out is in order. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
Jade Constable: He quoted Donne's The Sun Rising at me and then said that there was only one Donne poem he should recite by heart so we should teach each other. If that isn't flirting I don't know what is!
I would say so. Good luck!
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
He replied! He quoted Donne's The Sun Rising at me and then said that there was only one Donne poem he should recite by heart so we should teach each other. If that isn't flirting I don't know what is! So I replied with a bit of Spring from Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy.
Yas.
[high-fives JadeConstable]
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Is making references to country matters going too far? ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
He replied! He quoted Donne's The Sun Rising at me and then said that there was only one Donne poem he should recite by heart so we should teach each other. If that isn't flirting I don't know what is! So I replied with a bit of Spring from Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy.
That's excellent. I aspire one day to flirt via literature. ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ArachnidinElmet:
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
He replied! He quoted Donne's The Sun Rising at me and then said that there was only one Donne poem he should recite by heart so we should teach each other. If that isn't flirting I don't know what is! So I replied with a bit of Spring from Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy.
That's excellent. I aspire one day to flirt via literature.
Quite! All this time I thought that was something that only Lord Peter Wimsey & Harriet Vane did. To learn that real people do it also is just too thrilling for words! Thank you for sharing Jade C!
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
I want to flirt via literature! I will, however, settle for having gone to hear Rob Bell speak this evening and ending up sitting behind my disorganised date, utterly by coincidence. I was a bit freaked out by that, but at the end I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi. Turns out it wasn't me, it was a whole host of other things going on where life fell apart a bit. Hopefully we're going to catch up this weekend - he was really apologetic and does really seem to want to see me.
I'm immensely pleased about this .
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
More good news! Yay!!
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Scots lass:
I want to flirt via literature! I will, however, settle for having gone to hear Rob Bell speak this evening and ending up sitting behind my disorganised date, utterly by coincidence. I was a bit freaked out by that, but at the end I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi. Turns out it wasn't me, it was a whole host of other things going on where life fell apart a bit. Hopefully we're going to catch up this weekend - he was really apologetic and does really seem to want to see me.
Life lesson there. It took me many years before I realized that, if I try something new and don't like it the first time, give it a second try. It is possible that the first time was just a fluke bad. And it would be a terrible shame to miss out on something good because of a bad first experience.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Scots lass:
I want to flirt via literature! I will, however, settle for having gone to hear Rob Bell speak this evening and ending up sitting behind my disorganised date, utterly by coincidence. I was a bit freaked out by that, but at the end I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi. Turns out it wasn't me, it was a whole host of other things going on where life fell apart a bit. Hopefully we're going to catch up this weekend - he was really apologetic and does really seem to want to see me.
I'm immensely pleased about this .
Hooray! And very jealous of you getting to hear Rob Bell speak.
I am slightly nervous of my potential thing being long-distance - he will hopefully be in Leeds for his PGCE next academic year, which is less of a pain to get to from Northampton than Aberystwyth is but still, I had hoped that my first relationship (if it happens!) would be rather less expensive in terms of train fares and cramming all our time together (not to mention the sex...) into odd weekends and holidays.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
What I found when I had a long distance relationship was that we made sure the times we were together were really, REALLY special.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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moonlitdoor
Shipmate
# 11707
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Posted
I know this is an old fashioned point of view but I was thinking of writing it even before Scots Lass's latest update. I think there's a lot to be said for speaking to someone rather than sending them a message and wondering why they don't reply to it. At least that way you'll usually get an answer even if it's not the one you wanted.
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We've evolved to being strange monkeys, but in the next life he'll help us be something more worthwhile - Gwai
Posts: 2210 | From: london | Registered: Aug 2006
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Jack the Lass
Ship's airhead
# 3415
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Posted
TME and I were long distance from when we first started going out till just a few weeks before we got married (including a nearly 6 month period after we got engaged when I was in two different countries doing my PhD fieldwork)(he was in south Wales, I was in Glasgow. Except when I was in Romania!). There was a bit of "we've got to make each moment together count", but then I found it a bit stressful thinking we had to Do Something every minute to not waste a second. Luckily he was very easy to just hang out with, so it was just as special if we just stayed home and watched a DVD as if we were out and about Doing Something Interesting.
[x-post - response to WW/Jade]
[ 16. April 2013, 11:58: Message edited by: Jack the Lass ]
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"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog
Posts: 5767 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by moonlitdoor:
I know this is an old fashioned point of view but I was thinking of writing it even before Scots Lass's latest update. I think there's a lot to be said for speaking to someone rather than sending them a message and wondering why they don't reply to it. At least that way you'll usually get an answer even if it's not the one you wanted.
That's easier said than done if you don't see someone! I would always prefer to talk to someone face to face, but in a situation where you don't see someone around then you don't have much choice other than to message them. i suppose if you meet someone as a friend of a friend it would be easier to run into them and talk, but if you live in a different town, or meet through a dating site where you don't have mutual friends, then that's not really an option!
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
Scots lass: in a situation where you don't see someone around then you don't have much choice other than to message them.
Er... telephone?
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
Scots lass: in a situation where you don't see someone around then you don't have much choice other than to message them.
Er... telephone?
Just speaking personally, my anxiety makes this impossible.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
If yo've only met someone a handful of times, then messaging them is a lot less intimidating than phoning them!
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Telephone is Teh Awkward, reserved for distant family members only.
Talking on the phone gives you all the awkward silences, pregnant pauses, mis-speakings and interruptions and whose-turn-is-it-to-talk-now uncertainty of in-person contact, but none of the visual cues that allow one to navigate them. No thanks.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
TME and I were long distance from when we first started going out till just a few weeks before we got married (including a nearly 6 month period after we got engaged when I was in two different countries doing my PhD fieldwork)(he was in south Wales, I was in Glasgow. Except when I was in Romania!). There was a bit of "we've got to make each moment together count", but then I found it a bit stressful thinking we had to Do Something every minute to not waste a second. Luckily he was very easy to just hang out with, so it was just as special if we just stayed home and watched a DVD as if we were out and about Doing Something Interesting.
[x-post - response to WW/Jade]
To add to the support for Jade C, ours was a similar story, and we're still happily married decades later. Though it did help us that we managed to "make" a few weekends together when on or of us could find a small break in our academic schedules.
And there is much to be said for the quality of "very easy to just hang out with". "Ringing your bell" comes a little later in my experience, though sometimes it doesn't come at all - in that case, one more friend is always a good thing, so nothing is lost.
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Mr. C. and I have spent large sections of our time apart, both before and after marriage. It certainly helped living in an area with a high number of Naval families, so we were not the only ones. We spoke on the phone almost every day, wrote once a week, and tried to spend a lot of time together as a couple / family when we were together. But it gets more difficult as time goes on and you realise how much time (as an overall total) you are spending apart. The only thing to do then is to move heaven and earth to make sure you get back together again full-time afterwards! For us it was a total of 14 years of that kind of interrupted living. And that is too long.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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