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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
I think it's more that he just keeps blowing hot and cold and I'm tired of it.

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
I think it's more that he just keeps blowing hot and cold and I'm tired of it.

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FWIW-- boy, do I wish I had had more conversations with myself like this when I needed to. All that energy spent on "What do I do now? How do I adjust to this behavior?" When it is really totally valid to say, "Strange behavior,perhaps I should back off a bit."

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
"Strange behavior,perhaps I should back off a bit."

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So now the strange are suspect? And I thought you liked me.

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
Well done Jade - that was a really brave thing to do (it's the kind of thing that would scare me). Here's hoping for so much better for you...

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
I do feel a bit perplexed by what's so apparently unattractive about me

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Originally posted by Roseofsharon:

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
I do feel a bit perplexed by what's so apparently unattractive about me

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Not specifically aimed at you, but I do wonder if the 'neediness' that is revealed by posters on this thread is leaking out into their RL relationships?

Perhaps more work is needed on learning the difficult lesson of Philippians 4:11 - persons contented with their lot are more attractive than the desperately seeking.

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Originally posted by Mad Cat:
If we sound needy in this thread, it's because this is where we come to talk about the needs we feel we have. Probably pretty much guaranteed to 'sound' needy.

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
I just look at my friends who meet people off-the-cuff and wonder how on earth they can talk to people so easily...

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Yes, I have always had the same problem - and I know that in my case it has been because I am more interested in myself than I am in them. I try to tell myself that I don't ask personal questions because I don't want to be nosey - but deep down I know the truth.
One of my many besetting sins

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Talk about books -any books- on our rejuvenatedforum http://www.bookgrouponline.com/index.php?

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
Gosh, how emotional my post was I did have a massive cry this morning though which helped a bit (well it left my chest hurting but it helped emotionally).

And I don't think my friends pressure me because of singleness, I think we're just all so young still - and most of my friends are 20ish so younger than me anyway - that it's just very intense and I get a bit forgotten. Which sucks but thanks to a very cold and unfriendly uni CU (really strange and unlike all other CUs I've encountered which love-bomb you) I've struggled to make friends at uni anyway.

And thank you Mad Cat! I do consider myself attractive which is helpful I know. I just look at my friends who meet people off-the-cuff and wonder how on earth they can talk to people so easily...

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Originally posted by Mad Cat:

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
Gosh, how emotional my post was I did have a massive cry this morning though which helped a bit (well it left my chest hurting but it helped emotionally).

And I don't think my friends pressure me because of singleness, I think we're just all so young still - and most of my friends are 20ish so younger than me anyway - that it's just very intense and I get a bit forgotten. Which sucks but thanks to a very cold and unfriendly uni CU (really strange and unlike all other CUs I've encountered which love-bomb you) I've struggled to make friends at uni anyway.

And thank you Mad Cat! I do consider myself attractive which is helpful I know. I just look at my friends who meet people off-the-cuff and wonder how on earth they can talk to people so easily...

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Did you try SCM? If they're at your uni.....

I'm struggling to know what to do with a slightly cold choir I belong to. They're not unfriendly. I just don't know how I fit in. It's very weird, as I can usually talk to anyone, but I so on edge with this group.

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Haha, it was me who set up the SCM group! It consists of me, my friends who are a couple, and another two students who are in couples, as well as the chaplain. I am an SCM member as an individual, but we only meet once a year as a whole group so it's a bit awkward. With CU, if my friends who are a couple (I go to church with them and we're sharing a house next year) weren't there for whatever reason nobody would talk to me at all The sessions consist of two songs, followed by a sermon, followed by a song then everyone goes home. No socialising time.

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
Try just a little helping of radical human honesty. "I've enjoyed spending time with you, and I think I'd enjoy getting to know you better. I get the sense from our response patterns, though, that this may not be a mutual thing. Any chance I can get some clarity on that? Shall we see one another again, or wish all the best and then head our separate ways?"

Although, to be honest, if he is interested and yet has this kind of response pattern, trust me and Schrodinger-the-elephant that you don't actually want to go there. So maybe just move on, and he'll text you if he texts you.

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Originally posted by Carex:
And some men (though I expect it is not entirely gender-specific) require the application of a large clue-bat to realize that someone actually fancies them. It may come as quite a shock. I still remember the dawning realization when a friend came to visit for a weekend and left a dressing gown hanging in my closet because it meant she was planning on returning. After dating a series of women who dumped me after 2 - 3 months when they found how boring I was, this was a radical concept! (Almost 30 years later and she still hangs her gown in my closet. Well, our closet.)

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I love this thread!

Nen - old married with no right to be here.

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Originally posted by Scots lass:
Last night I thought to myself "yeah, he's not going to reply is he?" and went to browse the Christian dating site we met on, only to see he'd recently logged in, which I think conclusively says he's not interested in me.

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
To sum up-- mindreading is a really useless endeavor.

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:

I am reminded of a Peanuts cartoon. Lucy is looking at a drawing Linus has made. She says "This is a nice drawing of a man. But I notice you drew his hands behind him. This shows insecurity and means that you yourself are insecure." Linus replies: "It means I myself cannot draw hands."

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That cartoon completely changed my perspective in life forever. No kidding.

(and agreed about Jade.)

[ 30. April 2013, 18:14: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Originally posted by duchess:

A person that thinks you're hot and also more importantly, thinks you're worth it, will reach out. Simple as that. If you spend time trying to read through his actions, almost to the point of picking up tea leaves (which I myself have done and fight the urge to do so on a daily basis with my crushes), you will go mad. And more importantly, you do not treat yourself like the goddess you are.

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The duchess speaks! So dead on!

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:
Well I know, but how do I learn to not want a thing that I want? Romantic intimacy is a pretty universal human need, and if you can't find it then it seems quite natural to be unhappy about it. If you feel lonely even though you have friends, what's the solution?

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Hope you don't mind if I delurk to express some disquiet with the wording of this posting.

I am perplexed about the concept that romantic intimacy is a universal human need. Do you mean physical sex, or do you mean relational intimacy?

Countless people experience physical sex without any relational intimacy - either through casual or paid sex in egalitarian societies, or women in patriarchal societies where they are not valued as people but treated as possessions (like teenager girls sold to elderly men in the Middle East). Are they having their needs met? Some (in the casual sex group) would say they are, and claim that casual sex is so important that the government should fund it for people with disabilities. It seems that casual sex is not what you mean, because (unless you're severely physically disabled) it isn't that hard to find when there is no emotional involvement required.

Is it then emotional intimacy with one romantic/sexual partner which you see as necessary? Personally I would class this as a universal human desire, or pleasure, but not a need. Being valued for who you are, feeling like you have something to contribute to others, having someone to share happiness with -they are all important, but don't have to be achieved within a romantic relationship to be life-enriching. I have known lots of wonderful older single people who would have loved to be married, if the circumstances had been right, but singleness didn't stop them from living fulfilling and loving lives.

I understand that you are going through lots of roller coaster emotions and that this quote is just one expression of your pain. As another single, though, I feel it's a reiteration of the superficial and patronising idea that "you're nobody until somebody loves you [romantically]" -which I see as one of the huge falsehoods of our age.

Unhappiness is magnified by the stories we tell ourselves. In my view, there is probably not a single solution to loneliness, but it often requires a multipronged approach, looking at issues like (1) distorted thinking patterns about what is "normal" and what life "should" be, (2)self-talk that is unnecessarily pessimistic and self-blaming, (3)unrealistic expectations of how much external relationships can resolve inner conflicts, and (4) a more imaginative approach to life which appreciates all the goodness that exists outside of romance. (That's just a short list of possibilities!)

I know this is a support thread, not purgatory - please do take my ramblings as intended, as supportive!