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Source: (consider it) Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
It's over. I am moving on. He decided we were not compatible.

You've got a right to sing the blues, my dear.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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Aw nuts. Sorry to hear that.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
It's over. I am moving on. He decided we were not compatible. I can see where he was coming from. I think sadly he may be right. I must move on.

So sorry. But part of the point of the dating process is to find out such things. I once dated a woman for a year and a half even though it was quite obvious from date #1 that we were not that compatible. In fact, it got to the point that I used to joke that it was easy to buy presents for her: I would just go to the store and buy whatever I didn't like, secure in the knowledge that she would think it was absolutely the best thing ever.

The thing is, we both wanted to be in a relationship so much that we kept it up--in retrospect, for waaaaaayyyy too long. It probably would have been better if, three or four dates in, we just admitted that we were not compatible.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
It's over. I am moving on. He decided we were not compatible. I can see where he was coming from. I think sadly he may be right. I must move on.

So sorry. But part of the point of the dating process is to find out such things. I once dated a woman for a year and a half even though it was quite obvious from date #1 that we were not that compatible. In fact, it got to the point that I used to joke that it was easy to buy presents for her: I would just go to the store and buy whatever I didn't like, secure in the knowledge that she would think it was absolutely the best thing ever.

The thing is, we both wanted to be in a relationship so much that we kept it up--in retrospect, for waaaaaayyyy too long. It probably would have been better if, three or four dates in, we just admitted that we were not compatible.

This is pretty spot on and helpful, thank you. He is Agnostic. I totally believe in God. I attend church weekly and rejoice singing in Choir, he doesn't want to come. He likes books on tape, has an old regular cell phone and an ipad he uses when he needs to look up google maps. I have a smartphone. He is not on facebook, I am in the Matrix. I am close to my familia, he doesn't seem that close to his. It was a strange experience to have a man that was so attracted to me reject my personality. It is usually the other way around.

It was ungentlemanly to break up with a private message. But I took the high road and wished him well, told him to follow his dream. He wrote back to me that was very sweet and gracious.

And I moved on.

--------------------
♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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This guy offended me in his profile...and made the mistake of pinging me on a dating website. He doesn't want a gal that dresses like a slut yet he wrote something pretty provocative on his own profile...he actually also had what I call a rant list, which includes "if you think Conan O'Brien is funny, or if you are a bitch, don't contact him". I wrote basically think think Conan is a "You're cute but Conan is a funny bitch and so am I, plus also I have a lot of baggage and my family is full of drama. Oh well." I had a good laugh and I think he blocked me (the message seems to be gone). I did feel guilty for writing that and I fear I need to take a break again.

I am walking a ton and trying to eat right, clean up my place.

And I won't allow myself to write anymore snarky messages to men anymore. [Hot and Hormonal]

[edited to make a post presentable even enough for that unfunny, redheaded bitch they call COCO]

[ 07. July 2013, 04:14: Message edited by: duchess ]

--------------------
♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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oh that was a grammar fail. Judge, I am guilty.
Night night. [Hot and Hormonal]

--------------------
♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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So the woman I was trying to make myself more attractive to* did in fact, as I kind of suspected, get back together with her ex-. That was two weeks ago and we haven't spoken since, though we've texted a bit. I think this is the longest we've not spoken since we first became friends nine years ago. We used to speak most days.

It was my decision not to talk as I thought it might help me actually get over as opposed to thinking I'm over her only to find I'm falling for her again. Not sure if it's working but it's tough. Apart from anything else she's my best friend and it's weird not to be able to discuss things with her.

I've been trying to keep busy and do new things and generally create a life that doesn't revolve around her, but it feels 'hollow' you know? Anyway thanks for listening. Any prayers gratefully received.

*and yes, that was a dumb idea.

Posts: 3689 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427

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I'm very sorry, LP. [Votive]

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104

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((Late Paul)) [Votive]

Soon you'll notice that the life you're building has stopped feeling like it's missing her. That truth might seem a long way into the future, but it's there nonetheless.

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Weird and sweary.

Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
RuthW

liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13

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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
"You're cute but Conan is a funny bitch and so am I, plus also I have a lot of baggage and my family is full of drama. Oh well."

[Killing me]

The right guy will love these things. You go, girl!

Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
"You're cute but Conan is a funny bitch and so am I, plus also I have a lot of baggage and my family is full of drama. Oh well."

[Killing me]

The right guy will love these things. You go, girl!

And no more snarky messages? Poor Mr. Right. Highly polished snark is half the fun of online dating; the other half is the Schadenfreude of reading the profiles of the people who are least compatible with you.

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Oh what Ariston said, definitely.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Okay, For you guys, I will write back SNARK to those in need of it. For guys I want to date, I will lay on the snark but gently - guys seem to analyse things I say on dates and it goes flat, as I tend to attract the serious types for some reason.

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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I wish I got responses on dating websites to snark on, but I don't even get creepy messages! I don't get anything. I don't know why?

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Antisocial Alto
Shipmate
# 13810

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I read a book a few months ago about one woman's experience with online dating and how she increased the number of contacts she was getting from her profiles. Basically she had to play down being smart (and say she was Fun! instead) and get prettier photos made. [Razz] She did eventually meet a non-troglodyte, though- she just had to get her profile clicked on enough so that it would be really visible on the site. It was an interesting read.
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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But, I do those things! And I take the initiative and contact lots of people, but get no replies to those messages. All the advice I see says that women taking the initiative leads to lots of responses/success, so I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Of course, a major problem is that on Christian sites, I cannot search for women who are romantically interested in other women, and any kind of religiosity seems to be a turn-off for LGBT people on secular dating sites....

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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quote:
Jade Constable: Of course, a major problem is that on Christian sites, I cannot search for women who are romantically interested in other women, and any kind of religiosity seems to be a turn-off for LGBT people on secular dating sites....
Aren't there more liberal Christian dating sites that include a section for LGBT people?

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
Jade Constable: Of course, a major problem is that on Christian sites, I cannot search for women who are romantically interested in other women, and any kind of religiosity seems to be a turn-off for LGBT people on secular dating sites....
Aren't there more liberal Christian dating sites that include a section for LGBT people?
I haven't come across any. All the ones I've used limit people to either 'man seeking a woman' or 'woman seeking a man' with no option for anything else. The only LGBT Christian dating site I've found is only for MSM (men who have sex with men), which is no good for me!

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Hmmm...


There's this. (rainbowchristians.com)I did a search for UK females and only got 14 hits, but might be a good place to pick up online friends. (No pics on the UK set. )

Did a similar search on gaychristiandating.com and only got twelve, but they had pics.

Oh, and now they got "GayHarmony" compatiblepartners.net, run by the eharmony folk-- guess they started listening to the complaints. There are search options for both gay and bi women in the UK, but I would have had to create a profile to research the issue.

Despite the fact that I found Tin in Link 2 mighty cute, I don't think I am ready for that. [Big Grin]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104

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Well, alongside the green shoots of self-confidence, I keep fighting off the despairing thoughts.

I FB messaged an old school friend who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, suggesting we should meet up sometime for a coffee. (He posts FB pics of his flat white and newspaper in the place round the corner for me.) I think he's seen the message, but there's been no reply. Is it just me, or is that a bit hopeless?

YES, Miss Kettle, Pot Inc. is on the phone. Just making sure you know... okay?

Anyway, it's a tiny bit hopeless not to just drop a line back to say, nice to hear from you. But then, I seem to recall one of Old School Friend's pals leaving a comment on FB to the effect: "Dude, no wonder you're still single."

I was really scunnered* that he didn't send a wee message back, just to say 'hello'. I then did a big catastrophising number on it, making it all about me embarrassing people with my clumsy attempts to befriend them. I mean, I just suggested coffee and a blether, not like I'm going to kidnap him and tie him to my radiator or something. [Roll Eyes]

I am in the habit of feeling rejected. How I have let it get like this.... well, it's just ridic. I am asking God to heal a whole load of stuff: the 'Dear Jane' letter; my two friends walking away down the road; always feeling like a bit of a 'beggar'; that I didn't reach out to people when I could have.

This illusion that things might have been more straighforward, more the way they are for others.

There must be a purpose to it, but only God knows what it is just now. If I can't see yet, it's because I haven't got eyes for it.

I'm going to bed, because I'm *this close* to quoting T S Eliot. And this on only one glass of wine. [Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes]


* Scots (adj) describing a state of confusion, exhaustion or windedness; see also (v) to scunner and (n) ya wee scunner

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Weird and sweary.

Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Ooh no Mad Cat, I get exactly the same way! Not getting replies to messages is something I've been getting too and it makes me so anxious [Frown] I have the whole 'feeling rejected' thing too...I even feel it when people I don't like get to get married before me! I guess the flipside of it is that it means we care about people and how they feel about us. *INFJ powers*

Also feeling pretty belittled by the parents at the moment too which doesn't help.

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged
ButchCassidy
Shipmate
# 11147

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You guys are guilting me - I'm reminded I haven't replied to a girl who texted me 3 weeks ago... I don't know your situations, but I should say you should never underestimate some people's (guys?) crapness about replying (even to people they like).

[ 24. July 2013, 17:12: Message edited by: ButchCassidy ]

Posts: 104 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699

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quote:
Originally posted by ButchCassidy:
You guys are guilting me - I'm reminded I haven't replied to a girl who texted me 3 weeks ago... I don't know your situations, but I should say you should never underestimate some people's (guys?) crapness about replying (even to people they like).

Then text her! None of us can read minds, so if you don't reply we* assume the worst. There's only so many unreplied to messages a girl can send...


*Ok, I assume the worst.

Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456

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Ladies, let's keep our cell phones handy!

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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!

Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hmmm...


There's this. (rainbowchristians.com)I did a search for UK females and only got 14 hits, but might be a good place to pick up online friends. (No pics on the UK set. )

Did a similar search on gaychristiandating.com and only got twelve, but they had pics.

Oh, and now they got "GayHarmony" compatiblepartners.net, run by the eharmony folk-- guess they started listening to the complaints. There are search options for both gay and bi women in the UK, but I would have had to create a profile to research the issue.

Despite the fact that I found Tin in Link 2 mighty cute, I don't think I am ready for that. [Big Grin]

JadeC, I had this request made to me by a dear sweet friend of mine that likes butch girls and is a lipstick lesbian I helped to lead to Christ (hence she asked me, a straight gal to find a Christian dating website for her to find a "nice Christian butch girl on". I gave her these sites, not sure how helpful they were. She's quite lovely. If you lived in Colorado, I would set you both up.

Instead, I will pray about this. I have pinged famous progressive Christians that I have bothered on facebook asking them. No response. So I will suggest okcupid and plentyoffish since there are lots of cute gay girls on those sites. Perhaps you can get one to go to church with you. [Smile]

--------------------
♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Status report, stopped writing a crazy Polish guy who kept writing strange things to me "you write me in the middle of the night!". I stopped writing a very cute younger guy that did not seem to be interested in anything by shallow conversation that could lead to some good luvin', I stopped writing a handsome Indian who was not compatible with my religious tendencies, I got pinged by a very cute man 2 hours drive away with a couple pitbulls. This sucks. But I stay the course.

I am just glad I get some responses as many, many pass me by.

*And I always keep my cell phone handy. Whenever I met a guy, I always let someone know, and check in with them.

--------------------
♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hmmm...


There's this. (rainbowchristians.com)I did a search for UK females and only got 14 hits, but might be a good place to pick up online friends. (No pics on the UK set. )

Did a similar search on gaychristiandating.com and only got twelve, but they had pics.

Oh, and now they got "GayHarmony" compatiblepartners.net, run by the eharmony folk-- guess they started listening to the complaints. There are search options for both gay and bi women in the UK, but I would have had to create a profile to research the issue.

Despite the fact that I found Tin in Link 2 mighty cute, I don't think I am ready for that. [Big Grin]

JadeC, I had this request made to me by a dear sweet friend of mine that likes butch girls and is a lipstick lesbian I helped to lead to Christ (hence she asked me, a straight gal to find a Christian dating website for her to find a "nice Christian butch girl on". I gave her these sites, not sure how helpful they were. She's quite lovely. If you lived in Colorado, I would set you both up.

Instead, I will pray about this. I have pinged famous progressive Christians that I have bothered on facebook asking them. No response. So I will suggest okcupid and plentyoffish since there are lots of cute gay girls on those sites. Perhaps you can get one to go to church with you. [Smile]

Haha, I am far from butch anyway [Smile] I am OK Cupid but not POF because POF do not let you list yourself as bisexual which I am (actually a lot of sites don't, even paying ones like match.com).

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I got pinged by a very cute man 2 hours drive away with a couple pitbulls. This sucks.

Which, the pit bulls or the distance?

And if he's 2 hours north that gives you an excuse to visit your dear friend Kels [Big Grin]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Hey girl, you are far away from him too. Both the drive and the dogs. But I emailed him anyway this morn. His hazel eyes made it impossible to deny.

--------------------
♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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People with hazel eyes tend to be amazing lovers. Just saying.

And pit bulls get a bad rap. As is the master, so is the dog. Most of the pits I have met have been pretty amiable.

As for the two hours-- pshaw! We are Northern California Girls. Some of us would drive two hours just to get good sushi. [Big Grin]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
People with hazel eyes tend to be amazing lovers. Just saying.

Why do I suddenly suspect that I know what color Kelly's eyes are?

I will say that the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen in a human being were hazel. Sadly, she was distinctly Not Interested in me. But I still remember those eyes. [Smile]

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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(sigh)

I'd love to tell you that some day you'll get over those eyes, but I am not given to bald-faced lies.

( [Biased] )

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Pitbull guy never did reply back. Which is just as well. Taking another look at his profile, he's got a few salacious tidbits in there. Kind of a turn-off for a prudish type like me.

My eyes are brown but they have a lot of green in them. I actually once had a DMV lady tell me to put hazel. She didn't seem right in the head (they've never debated my very low lying weight or the fact that it turns out I'm 1 and 1/2 inches less than the height I've put). I like having brown eyes because I get to sing Van Morrison's song and pretend it's me.

I lie openly on my dating profiles about 1 thing = 1 Put my height as 2 inches higher. I do that since I only found out I was 1 1/2 inches shorter in March this year when I had my physical and they measured me. I asked the last guy I dated if he noticed and he said he didn't, so I keep it since I tend to wear shoes that add a few inches.

Going out tonight if I can stay awake to a blue's club very nearby. Hopefully an act of God will happen and I'll meet a nice Christian guy with a kind heart there. Leaving the online dating alone, giving it a rest this weekend. I need a break.

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
Going out tonight if I can stay awake to a blue's club very nearby. Hopefully an act of God will happen and I'll meet a nice Christian guy with a kind heart there.

Great plan! If nothing else, you get to listen to some blues. I'm envious!

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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087

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Realised how useless I am the whole concept of dating (but maybe am happy with that.) My flatmate has her first "date" today with a bloke from the internet. Last night she was having a freak out about the whole concept. I realsied that the only response I had was "shall I make a cup of tea."
While part of me would love to meet someone, I am rapidly realising that I would struggle with the compromises required for a relationship.

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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk

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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104

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quote:
Originally posted by ButchCassidy:
You guys are guilting me - I'm reminded I haven't replied to a girl who texted me 3 weeks ago... I don't know your situations, but I should say you should never underestimate some people's (guys?) crapness about replying (even to people they like).

You've cheered me up Butch. Now, instead of imagining FB friend saying: "Oh God! Not her!" I'm imagining him saying: "That's nice. Must do that sometime...."

Also, text your girl.

Edit: confutatis

[ 27. July 2013, 19:09: Message edited by: Mad Cat ]

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Weird and sweary.

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hmmm...


There's this. (rainbowchristians.com)I did a search for UK females and only got 14 hits, but might be a good place to pick up online friends. (No pics on the UK set. )

Did a similar search on gaychristiandating.com and only got twelve, but they had pics.

Oh, and now they got "GayHarmony" compatiblepartners.net, run by the eharmony folk-- guess they started listening to the complaints. There are search options for both gay and bi women in the UK, but I would have had to create a profile to research the issue.

Despite the fact that I found Tin in Link 2 mighty cute, I don't think I am ready for that. [Big Grin]

JadeC, I had this request made to me by a dear sweet friend of mine that likes butch girls and is a lipstick lesbian I helped to lead to Christ (hence she asked me, a straight gal to find a Christian dating website for her to find a "nice Christian butch girl on". I gave her these sites, not sure how helpful they were. She's quite lovely. If you lived in Colorado, I would set you both up.

Instead, I will pray about this. I have pinged famous progressive Christians that I have bothered on facebook asking them. No response. So I will suggest okcupid and plentyoffish since there are lots of cute gay girls on those sites. Perhaps you can get one to go to church with you. [Smile]

Haha, I am far from butch anyway [Smile] I am OK Cupid but not POF because POF do not let you list yourself as bisexual which I am (actually a lot of sites don't, even paying ones like match.com).
You might want to try Pink Sofa. They state that:

quote:
To register for membership or use the site, you must be a lesbian* aged 18 years or over.

*Lesbian refers to women who love women including lesbians, bisexual women, transgender, FTM, MTF and intersex women.

Though obviously you can only search for people who identify as female on there.

If you are bisexual, and very much want to meet someone - you could go on match.com or e-harmony and just search for a man, you'd have a much wider pool of potential partners. Assuming you are intending to be monogamous, the fact that you could have been in a relationship with a woman shouldn't derail a relationship with a bloke.

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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moonlitdoor
Shipmate
# 11707

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Does anything on the sites stop you registering twice, once as straight and once as gay ? If you give two different email addresses, it would be likely to work ok I think.

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We've evolved to being strange monkeys, but in the next life he'll help us be something more worthwhile - Gwai

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Do you mean having an account on each site? I can't afford a paying site at the moment anyway but I would feel very uncomfortable having an account where I was labelled as 'straight' or 'gay', because I'm not either. Likewise, I wouldn't want to be on a site for 'lesbian women' because even if bisexual women are allowed to be on there, it's still bisexual erasure and it still makes me feel very uncomfortable. Bisexuality is not being gay and straight at the same time, it's a sexual orientation of its own.

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
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# 17175

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Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked there - I actually came into the thread because I've been messaging this guy on a free Christian site and he's actually *messaging me back* and seems to be interested. All very nice! He is in Scotland (I am nowhere near Scotland) but is English and is wanting to move back to England for work. However, I am 24 and he is in his 40s.....I realise that there will be lots of people here who are 40+ - I'm not biased against him because of his age as such, it's just that my parents are in their 40s (mum is 43 in August, dad is 48) so it's a bit weird!

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
Do you mean having an account on each site? I can't afford a paying site at the moment anyway but I would feel very uncomfortable having an account where I was labelled as 'straight' or 'gay', because I'm not either. Likewise, I wouldn't want to be on a site for 'lesbian women' because even if bisexual women are allowed to be on there, it's still bisexual erasure and it still makes me feel very uncomfortable. Bisexuality is not being gay and straight at the same time, it's a sexual orientation of its own.

I think they are free to join (pink sofa definitely is). Fact is, dating sites have not caught up with the curve re labels and sexuality - your best chance of meeting someone will be probably be on the larger sites just because they have more people on them. You can include a statement about your sexual orientation in your personal statement and details in your profile (or whatever equivalent they use).

Some degree of compromise will help you - plus if you are a member you could always then bug them to increase their descriptive options.

I think the reason they don't give bisexual as an option is pragmatic - when I used dating sites a while back, I identified as bisexual and was able to say so on some of them. The result was I tended to get messaged by people who thought I might be up for a threesome and that was about it.

On gay sites, if you put your faith label front and center then people tend not to contact you because they assume you are hugely conflicted - not really being aware of gay friendly churches.

I think there is something to be said for progressive disclosure, getting to know someone one before going into the complexities - it gives you the chance to meet people without being filtered out by their initial assumptions.

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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To be honest, I find that mentioning one's faith on a secular dating site means that non-religious people are just not interested, whether heterosexual or otherwise - and generally most of the Christians I find on dating sites (Christian or secular) are more conservative than I am and usually evangelical - I don't think I've ever come across an anglo-catholic. Where do all the single Affirming Catholics hide?

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689

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Anyone else had the annoying experience of talking to someone you are good friends with (and if you were honest, have a teeny-tiny attraction to her/him) and then you meet their newest boyfriend/girlfriend. And afterwards, you are asked what you think of him/her, and you have to be nice, when all you want to say is 'what a complete and utter pillock, you could do better.'

I'm tired of being single and yet seeing men who treat women like crap dating girls I wouldn't mind dating. Tired of being the decent guy and thus being friend-zoned. One comment from the girl in question: 'He's so nice, hasn't pushed me into doing anything I don't want to do... well, not really, anyway.' As if the idea of a guy NOT trying to get in her knickers in the first date is a brand new idea to her. Yet he still made some fairly inappropriate comments about her and to another couple of women in the fifteen minutes I got to meet him. He did have a rather substantial body, however, and I did hear a lot about his fitness regime, and sadly this girl appears to be more shallow than I thought when it comes to looks. Ah well, onwards and upwards...

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Urgh....just got a massively offensive message from the nice guy I was messaging > [Frown] Concerning dead horses so not sure how much I can share, but referred to ordained women as 'priestesses' and talked about how imagining two women together was a turn on for him and if I was with a man, how would I cope with my desire for women and would I leave him for a woman? I don't really expect such bollocks on a secular site, let alone on a Christian site!

[brick wall]

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
Anyone else had the annoying experience of talking to someone you are good friends with (and if you were honest, have a teeny-tiny attraction to her/him) and then you meet their newest boyfriend/girlfriend. And afterwards, you are asked what you think of him/her, and you have to be nice, when all you want to say is 'what a complete and utter pillock, you could do better.'

I'm tired of being single and yet seeing men who treat women like crap dating girls I wouldn't mind dating. Tired of being the decent guy and thus being friend-zoned. One comment from the girl in question: 'He's so nice, hasn't pushed me into doing anything I don't want to do... well, not really, anyway.' As if the idea of a guy NOT trying to get in her knickers in the first date is a brand new idea to her. Yet he still made some fairly inappropriate comments about her and to another couple of women in the fifteen minutes I got to meet him. He did have a rather substantial body, however, and I did hear a lot about his fitness regime, and sadly this girl appears to be more shallow than I thought when it comes to looks. Ah well, onwards and upwards...

Being nice does not mean others have an obligation to be attracted to you. Nice Guy Syndrome and the friend zone is a misogynistic myth.

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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quote:
In Jade Constable's linked article:
This is my message to all the Nice Guys out there: if you call a woman a bitch, a slut, a skank, a whore, ugly, whatever, because she doesn’t want you, you are not nice. If you’re only nice to a woman because you want to be with her, you are not nice. And if you whine about constantly being Friend Zoned, it’s probably because you are not nice. End of story.

I didn't see the words bitch, slut, skank, whore or ugly in MarsmanTJ's post. The worst he said is that the woman in question appears more shallow than he thought (which is a statement about his changing perception rather than a vicious out-and-out attack on her character, and which also seems to be a justifiable comment given the evidence MarsmanTJ presented). It also seemed fairly clear in MarsmanTJ's post that he is not nice to this woman "only" because he would like to be with her, but that he considers her a friend.

What happens if I say that I as a woman am pretty certain I'm in the friend zone of a man I'd deeply love to be with?

[ 30. July 2013, 19:47: Message edited by: Zoey ]

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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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quote:
Originally posted by Zoey:
quote:
In Jade Constable's linked article:
This is my message to all the Nice Guys out there: if you call a woman a bitch, a slut, a skank, a whore, ugly, whatever, because she doesn’t want you, you are not nice. If you’re only nice to a woman because you want to be with her, you are not nice. And if you whine about constantly being Friend Zoned, it’s probably because you are not nice. End of story.

I didn't see the words bitch, slut, skank, whore or ugly in MarsmanTJ's post. The worst he said is that the woman in question appears more shallow than he thought (which is a statement about his changing perception rather than a vicious out-and-out attack on her character, and which also seems to be a justifiable comment given the evidence MarsmanTJ presented). It also seemed fairly clear in MarsmanTJ's post that he is not nice to this woman "only" because he would like to be with her, but that he considers her a friend.

What happens if I say that I as a woman am pretty certain I'm in the friend zone of a man I'd deeply love to be with?

I realise that MarsmanTJ didn't say those things, I linked to the article just to explain how 'being in the friendzone' because one is a 'nice guy' is misogynistic claptrap. In reality someone not being attracted to you (general you) isn't because 'women only like horrible guys', it's because they're just not attracted to you and they're not obliged to fancy you just because you fancy them.

You're not in 'the friend zone' because it doesn't exist. You're attracted to someone who isn't attracted to you, it's a shame but it's not any kind of wrongdoing on the part of the person you're attracted to. And friendship is not a lesser relationship than a romantic relationship.

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Ok, first off, friend-zoning goes both ways. I was always the girl in my youth group that the boys used to wail to about never finding a nice Lutheran girl, because yes, people of both genders can be thick as all hell.

Or...

Here's the thing-- the words"Boyfriend" and Girlfriend" come with all these expectations, not to mention the words"husband " and "wife". Having a friend of the opposite sex is such an asset. The only prerequisite for being a friend is being a person, and the only expectation that comes with friendship is that you give it back. With a friend, you are simply you, and that is all you have to be.

When you have found that with someone, even if you become attracted to them, the idea of giving up that ease and comfort in place of something more risky and expectation-fraught might be daunting. In short, a person of the opposite sex might simply like you (or even love you) too much to risk fucking it all up with sex.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Hazey*Jane

Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754

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In defence of the 'nice guy':

I've seen the article that Jade linked to before, and though I agree with some of the observations, it's rather too sweepingly at the other extreme. I particularly dislike the implication that people who are friends, but would like more, are automatically resentful/disrespectful/delusional, rather than merely frustrated, and are only in the friendship with an ulterior motive to get more. Anyone who's ever experienced unrequited love with a good friend can call bullshit on that one.

The fact is that there are genuinely nice (lower case 'n') men/women who get looked over time and again by people in pursuit of some ideal which isn't necessarily what it's cracked up to be. Many of us on this thread may well identify with being/having been in that category. The fact is that there are otherwise intelligent human beings who will date people who are unpleasant/dishonest/disrespectful, but who are objectively attractive, or wealthy, or high status, rather than someone 'plain' but decent. It happens. It's frustrating to be an on-looker, knowing full well you potentially have more to offer that person than what they'll get from the current well-groomed idiot. (Though that in itself is a subjective judgement)

My boyfriend is a nice guy. He has a good heart, is extremely respectful of me and has learned, via platonic friendships with many women over the years, how to be a good boyfriend, by noting the complaints they made about their boyfriends and trying not to be like that. Their loss/oversight has been my gain. Meanwhile I found myself repeatedly friend-zoned over the years by guys who seemed to consider my humour and intelligence to be less desirable traits than women who exhibited more 'traditionally feminine' (or whatever) traits. Not all guys are like that though. Fortunately my boyfriend and I found each other, and appreciate the qualities that other people considered secondary.

So although there are creepy 'Nice Guys' out there (and I have encountered some myself via online dating), there are also plenty of ordinary nice people who do get repeatedly overlooked just cos they don't quite tick a box which is likely to be of arbitrary importance. Yes, be cautious of someone whose self-perception is not matched by their deeds. But don't reinforce the isolation that people who are sidelined feel by giving them additional labels.

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