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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
It's not nearly as bad when it's the "actually friends zone" rather than the passive-aggressive one-sided acquaintance zone, because, hey, friend.
Totally. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
Just a wondering out loud moment. How important is it to have a similar(ish) theological outlook to any potential other half? I would describe myself as on the liberal end of conservative evangelicalism. I am however in a significantly more conservative church than myself (and well known for being conservative.) Therefore anyone I could meet in church type circles would be more conservative. I am at the moment happy to be single, but I do wonder if by staying within this sort of setting, I am ruling out the possibility of meeting someone. Thoughts people?
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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betjemaniac
Shipmate
# 17618
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Posted
quote:
but I do wonder if by staying within this sort of setting, I am ruling out the possibility of meeting someone. Thoughts people? [/QB]
After 5 years of reading SoF daily, and registering months ago, he piles straight in with a first post on this thread.....
I think it can be a limiting factor if you want to socialise within the church environment. It's something I thought about when I moved back to the biggish city, and immediately defaulted back to one of the high temples of trad Anglo Catholicism. Some might have thought (without casting aspertions) that a single straight male might do ok in that environment, but when the ladies are thin on the ground in that place in the first place....
I suppose it comes down to where the worship side of things fits into your life. I tried a couple of other churches to try and broaden the circle of acquaintances (I was new back in town after a couple of years in the shires), but frankly decided the way they did things at my regular shack was more important to me. I kid myself that it will still happen for me eventually...
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And is it true? For if it is....
Posts: 1481 | From: behind the dreaming spires | Registered: Mar 2013
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Realising that I am actually much happier celibate....
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Surfing Madness:
Just a wondering out loud moment. How important is it to have a similar(ish) theological outlook to any potential other half? I would describe myself as on the liberal end of conservative evangelicalism. I am however in a significantly more conservative church than myself (and well known for being conservative.) Therefore anyone I could meet in church type circles would be more conservative. I am at the moment happy to be single, but I do wonder if by staying within this sort of setting, I am ruling out the possibility of meeting someone. Thoughts people?
IME, successful relationships require some commonality. But need that common thread be religion? One of the longest relationships I know are an RCC and an atheist. The RCC is very devout, multiple days a week church goer. Together for more than 50 years.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
I think the faith question is one of those things only you can decide, TBH. In relationships as in many other things, I think it's very, very important not to sin against your own conscience. Personally I know I couldn't have a clear conscience being in a relationship with someone who didn't share my faith to a large degree, which means that I (me, myself, personally) shouldn't do it. Because a clear conscience is a valuable thing, and also because I think it's unfair to the other person in the relationship if your conscience is uneasy about being with them.
Someone I know always swore blind that she would never, ever marry a non-Christian. She reached a certain age, the hormones kicked in, and she decided she was going to Find Her a Man™ and if she couldn't find a Christian, then a non-Christian would have to do. Which is what she did. Trouble is AFAICT her conscience hadn't changed its mind… She was very dishonest about what she was doing (she lied a lot to her friends about it, but I suspect no more than she was lying to herself) which is why I am fairly sure that her conscience didn't really like what she was up to. From what I saw, a lot of inner conflict and self-loathing lies in that direction, and I'm not sure that's the bedrock of a healthy relationship...
OTOH I know plenty of other people come to a different conclusion and look perfectly happy to me. If you have a conviction that being with the person is the right thing, then your conscience doesn't give you grief. Also if other people disapprove about it (which, let's face it, goes on in evo circles) you don't care.
Which is probably a really unhelpful way of saying that in the end I don't know if anyone else can ever really tell you the answer...
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by betjemaniac:
quote:
but I do wonder if by staying within this sort of setting, I am ruling out the possibility of meeting someone. Thoughts people?
After 5 years of reading SoF daily, and registering months ago, he piles straight in with a first post on this thread.....
<high fives betjemaniac> Style. quote:
I think it can be a limiting factor if you want to socialise within the church environment. It's something I thought about when I moved back to the biggish city, and immediately defaulted back to one of the high temples of trad Anglo Catholicism. Some might have thought (without casting aspertions) that a single straight male might do ok in that environment, but when the ladies are thin on the ground in that place in the first place....
I suppose it comes down to where the worship side of things fits into your life. I tried a couple of other churches to try and broaden the circle of acquaintances (I was new back in town after a couple of years in the shires), but frankly decided the way they did things at my regular shack was more important to me.
I thought of going to visit the big evo congregation down the road to see if there were some single straight guys there. But I felt a bit seedy, like I might be fishing. So I chickened out. I hang out at our lovely, diverse, welcoming, forgiving A/C shack, and hope that someone will maybe one day come along. quote:
I kid myself that it will still happen for me eventually...
No kidding. Keep the faith. There's someone who God has chosen to take care of you.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Yangtze
Shipmate
# 4965
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by betjemaniac:
It's something I thought about when I moved back to the biggish city, and immediately defaulted back to one of the high temples of trad Anglo Catholicism. Some might have thought (without casting aspertions) that a single straight male might do ok in that environment, but when the ladies are thin on the ground in that place in the first place....
Come to my AC place - heaps of fantastic single straight women and a paucity of single straight men.
(Though if your place is FiF style trad then I can see why women are thin on the ground.)
[coding]
[ 10. August 2013, 01:00: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
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Arthur & Henry Ethical Shirts for Men
organic cotton, fair trade cotton, linen
Sometimes I wonder What's for Afters?
Posts: 2022 | From: the smallest town in England | Registered: Sep 2003
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
I do find that male:female ratios vary a lot from denomination to denomination. I would say that women outnumber men in most of the Anglican church (possibly not FiF places, but women outnumber men in the RCC so it's not out of the question). Men outnumber women in stricter non-conformist settings, eg Brethren, non-BUGB Baptists. I myself have only ever been in churches where women outnumber men by some margin.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Yep, having grown up in a sort of high churchy progressive church (mostly women) UCCC - then went to evangelical churches, then Reformed leaning types (both of those mostly men) and then back to the UCC...I still see that. I am not looking for a man in my church since there are literally not the many men that are not married or gay...99% are unavailable to me.
I am looking online since when I go out, I don't meet guys much...and when I do, they are not usually my type. Usually they are looking for sexytimes not love. And usually they are not even tempting to me.
I have corresponded with some men and still have not gotten the spark going yet. One guy used a 7 year old picture of himself. I "liked" the photo..and he replied back. I found out he looked well, way different, when he volunteered his cell #. I googled that and was shocked at how he looked different. Bear in mind, I don't mind grey hair, some wrinkles and some balding. He left me a voice mail that sounded like my nephew going through puberty...with some "ummmmmmmmm....yeahhhs" in there. I was turned off, especially when he seemed to wonder why I did not pick up 9 PM at night (I was in bed asleep). So glad he never called again!
The ex I called "the Magician" has clicked on my profile (viewed me). Glad he doesn't email me on there. Glad to see he still lives at least 10 hours of driving distance away from me.
I won't give up but it's not easy trying the online thing.
[edited a little grammar there.]
[ 11. August 2013, 04:25: Message edited by: duchess ]
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
At a mother-and-toddlers group I went to, one of the women had a younger sister moving to the city. Younger sister had asked big sister to rank the city churches in order of potential-husband-finding. Big sister enlisted the help of the mother-and-toddler group, most of whom had a connection to one of several churches. We tried to rank our own churches one week, then asked around amongst our friends during the week, and produced the master list the following week.
I don't know what happened, whether younger sister did find a husband through church or not, but I thought there was a lot to be said for tapping into her big sister's network. The younger sister's attitude was that she was going to join a church anyway, and she might as well join one with a choice of eligible young men.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689
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Posted
Today I sent a facebook message asking a close female friend if a mutual friend (who I've only just started to get to know again after a few years of just not being in touch at all) is single and if she thinks I have any shot with her. Maybe a totally stupid idea, but at least I'd know one way or the other. Too often have asked someone out only to discover they already have a Significant Other.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
This is, perhaps, a slight tangent, but this past weekend I have been getting a number of…well, odd e-mails from a certain Well-Known Christian Dating Site (hereinafter "WKCDS") First, I got one welcoming me as a new member. The next one advised me that my profile was complete! The third e-mail notified me that I had received a message (from "Admin") and just had to click such-and-such to read it. The most recent e-mail shows some women that allegedly matched my search criteria.
Now a couple interesting points: I have NEVER signed up for WKCDS. I have never completed a profile for WKCDS. None of the e-mails sent to me actually confirm either a screen name or password for the site (so I could not log on even if I wanted to).
Actually, that last point strikes me as important: I don’t think somebody signed me up using my e-mail address because surely, if that had happened, ONE of those e-mails would tell me my password. I mean, isn't that common internet website practice?
I suspect this is just a very weird marketing campaign by WKCDS. Nevertheless, in a fit of caution, I have refused to click on anything on any of the e-mails. Basic computer security, you know.
But has anybody else here been the target of a mass e-mail campaign from a WKCDS?
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
lilBuddha found this youtube version of a Panorama programme showing the selling of details to dating agencies:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
I know someone must access the actual link, but if you wish a head-start on the content, click here.
I wonder if it's that?
News story here
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Possibly a variation on that tactic. It may well be a trick to get me to sign up--which makes one question the "Christian" portion of their business tactics. We'll see how many more e-mails they send me.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
May be a pshishing scam/spam email. Though it's rather sequential, so seems planned, rather than just mass emailing people.
You could always independently sent an enquiry email to whatever contact is listed on the legitimate website to check whether someone is posing as them and/or ask how they got your details.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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Ann
Curious
# 94
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Posted
Could just be that someone has opened an account and made a typo in their email address which just happens to make it yours. I've had that with a mobile phone company in the States. The poor person at the other end kept on fruitlessly applying for a PIN and it came to me; I had thirty two messages overnight! I didn't get any password data; I don't think web sign-ups always send the account details - they didn't in that case. I emailed the company to ask them to take my email off their records and to contact their customer a different way to get the right email which must have worked as I haven't heard since.
Trypo
[ 13. August 2013, 16:33: Message edited by: Ann ]
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Ann
Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Possibly. It is true that I have two e-mail addresses (well, actually, more than two, but why complicate this?). One is for "personal" e-mails while the other is the one I use for commerce. In general, that means that most marketing goes to the commerce e-mail where it can be easily ignored. These e-mails are coming in on the "personal" e-mail. I won't say that NO business has it, but it is not the likely one that a marketing opportunity would select.
An address typo, though, would work.
Thank you all for the advice.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
I've had emails from one of the Christian sites this week, although I think I did sign up ages ago.
Seemed a bit out of the blue though, so I just deleted them.
I'm off the internet dating for a break. I need to try some meet-up groups and have been looking in to what's available. Last time I tried meet-ups I went to two events and got three phone numbers. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
[ 14. August 2013, 23:28: Message edited by: Mad Cat ]
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
Meet-ups sound like a good plan. I've taken a break from internet dating - mainly because I can't be bothered - but am trying to think of other ways of meeting new people. A friend and I went to a Christian dating site event where the age range was meant to be 35-60 (technically I was actually underage, which amused me). Most of the men there seemed to be late 40s or in their 50s, we heard the word "retired" a bit too often and went home feeling young and highly amused. So I don't think I'll be trying that particular avenue again. Other meet-up events might be worth trying - where's the best place to start?
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
Well, I've taken the plunge. I feel a bit guilty as I can't say I'm actually 100% certain (if even 50% certain) it's a plunge I want to take as I've grown quite comfortable with the life of a single woman with growing-up kids and am a bit too used to that role. But I've always had a good male friend in my life and I realise I really do miss male company.
With my youngest getting older now and me having no intentions of keeping him home longterm (!), maybe the time is right to start broadening my horizons again (and at least it might focus my attention away from feeling broody for another child ![[Biased]](wink.gif) ) The tough part is dealing with the feeling of uncertainty - all tangled up with the fear that nobody will even click on my profile: a life of falling for men who weren't interested and being fallen for by men who were far from right for me, and a fear of taking risks which involve other peoples' feelings aren't exactly the best foundation for setting out on this trail! Still, my cat loves me, and that's a good start. And I can honestly say that I'm no longer at the point where the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Being single suits me just fine most of the time. (Used to joke that the right man for me would probably be a long distance lorry driver so I could have the best of both worlds!)
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Yangtze
Shipmate
# 4965
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Smudgie:
Well, I've taken the plunge. <snip>
Woo hoo. Go you. Are you all signed up to an internet dating site? Or just taking the first mental plunge? Good luck anyway.
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Arthur & Henry Ethical Shirts for Men
organic cotton, fair trade cotton, linen
Sometimes I wonder What's for Afters?
Posts: 2022 | From: the smallest town in England | Registered: Sep 2003
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Aaaannnnnd....<bump>.
How are things, folks?
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
At the moment I think I'm ok being single. I'm lacking the energy to do much about it anyway - work's been a bit tough of late. It's hard watching all my single friends pair up as so many of them have done this year though! I'm not in the right frame of mind for internet dating and struggle to think of where to start for anything else, so will just plod on. I don't think it helps that I'm still thinking about the disorganised man from some months ago - every so often I have conversations with friends and realise the last time I discussed that topic was with him.
Actually, I think my current feeling is that that my attitude to the whole dating thing can be summed up as "meh"!
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
To be honest, I find that mentioning one's faith on a secular dating site means that non-religious people are just not interested, whether heterosexual or otherwise - and generally most of the Christians I find on dating sites (Christian or secular) are more conservative than I am and usually evangelical - I don't think I've ever come across an anglo-catholic. Where do all the single Affirming Catholics hide?
As a computer geek I would say this might be a business opportunity. At the very least, as a friend of mine pointed out, if you run the website you get first chance.
[ 27. August 2013, 00:00: Message edited by: Palimpsest ]
Posts: 2990 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
I should probably answer my own question, shouldn't I? I am...confused. But that's kind of my default.
I have the most loving and lovely person in my life--a good, generous, intelligent, thoughtful man, who does all the things that Proper Partners are meant to do.
And I...don't feel for him what he deserves. I feel it, instead, for someone else--for my Schrodinger-Friend, the will-we-or-won't-we one where we decided we wouldn't. Who is still one of my closest friends, who doesn't know that I still hold a torch for her. Who I keep trying to quit caring about, but then...we fall back into old patterns, and I let myself care in a way that I shouldn't.
Humanity. Grr. Argh.
PS: For the record, my relationship with Exceptionally Good Man is an open one--his preference, which I'm quite glad of, actually, because I _want_ him to have more love in his life than I feel, myself, able to give him. My goodness, I feel like I need to drop the acronym about the allegedly Christian Website...
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Infinite Monkey, don't really know what to say having never had a partner, but ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
I think for me it's learning to distinguish between people I find attractive and wanting a relationship with them - there is someone I find attractive but at the moment I'm perfectly happy to just enjoy our friendship and see where it goes. Would really love a partner - but I'm also really enjoying my life and there's lots of other things I want to do.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
infinite_monkey, I also don't know what to say. Except what has already probably occurred to you: Beware of the "Grass Is Greener" syndrome.
I mean, you describe your current partner as "loving and lovely," "good, generous, intelligent, thoughtful" and an "Exceptionally Good Man." You clearly care for him. Care for him so much that you don't feel that you are giving him enough love in return.
The thing is, when you truly, truly love somebody, I think you always feel like you aren't doing enough for them. I know I don't feel good enough for my Penelope.
By contrast, the other that you feel attraction for is the hot flame. I am sure you feel it, but how long will it last if you both give in to it? Is the charm of it actually the unrequited nature of that attraction?
There is a song (the name of which escapes me) which gives an extended metaphor for love connected to wood burning. The wife wants the excitement of logs that burn quick and fast, while the husband tells her that slow-burning logs are what keeps you warm through the cold night. Neither is "wrong" per se--each has its benefit. But, IMHO, a slow burning love that lasts throughout everything that the long cold night of our lives throws at us--that is priceless.
I wish you well.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Thank you kindly, Hedgehog and Jade. I appreciate the candles, and the most excellent food for thought.
I don't know, ultimately, how things will shake out. But I am finding myself increasingly aware of the steady, patient goodness of the Exceptionally Good Man...and I am letting myself feel a bit more drawn to it.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
PS: For the record, my relationship with Exceptionally Good Man is an open one--his preference, which I'm quite glad of, actually, because I _want_ him to have more love in his life than I feel, myself, able to give him. My goodness, I feel like I need to drop the acronym about the allegedly Christian Website...
You're not the first poly/open person on this thread, and I'm sure you won't be the last ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
I have read not one but two articles today on the fact that women are still losing out if they have children and being pushed into making a choice between career and baby. Now, that's really a topic for a different thread, but it did make me think. I've acquired a good education and have a reasonable career (thus far, anyway), but one of the articles referenced the Liz Lochhead poem The Choosing - find it here but ignore the fact it's an exam paper! And that made me wonder, did I inadvertently choose to be perpetually single? Or am I just unlucky with relationships? I certainly don't feel like it's been a matter of choice, although I do wonder if it's entirely my own fault somehow, somewhere along the line.
I'm feeling a bit blue anyway as work is going badly, so this is probably just me feeling sorry for myself! But I thought I'd share it nonetheless .
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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moonlitdoor
Shipmate
# 11707
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Posted
not sure if this makes you feel any better, but the number of single men should be roughly similar to the number of single women, and the men haven't been faced with the same baby choice, inadvertent or otherwise. So I'd guess that's not the reason.
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We've evolved to being strange monkeys, but in the next life he'll help us be something more worthwhile - Gwai
Posts: 2210 | From: london | Registered: Aug 2006
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
I think women with education probably have more options to explore other aspects of life other than just getting partnered and settling down. But the two are in no way exclusive of each other. More of my university educated female friends are married than not. But some of the most able are not and I wonder if it is because the pool of men who would be a suitable equal partner to them is much more limited and they perhaps have the sense to realise that they are better off single than to be in an unequal relationship.
[ 04. September 2013, 20:30: Message edited by: Lucia ]
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lucia:
More of my university educated female friends are married than not. But some of the most able are not and I wonder if it is because the pool of men who would be a suitable equal partner to them is much more limited and they perhaps have the sense to realise that they are better off single than to be in an unequal relationship.
I'm not sure I agree with your final conclusion. I'm in the final stages of a PhD. My boyfriend never had the chance to go to university, but is nonetheless a bright and engaging individual. A previous romantic interest did go to uni but via a far more vocational route, and had not previously counted academic scientists among his friends. To both, my status is/was an intriguing novelty rather than a threat.
In an odd sort of way, I've found more acceptance (in the context of relationships) of my highly educated state from people with far less academically driven backgrounds than I have from men who are university educated but not to an equivalent level to me. I've been rejected/overlooked on occasions by highly educated/extremely intelligent men, who have often been in pursuit of someone more aesthetically pleasing than myself. I've questioned before on this thread whether women who display strengths in areas some men consider their domain (be it technical subjects, or expression of humour) are considered less desirable than women who are of a more 'traditional' feminine type.
Where it has worked well with my boyfriend I wonder whether there's an element of it being that our educational experiences are sufficiently divergent that it is reduced to a single tick box on the list of ways we differ. Whereas with someone who had more formal education, but not quite as much as me, it might feature more highly as a conflict or a source of inequality or perceived competition?
So I would say to a highly educated single woman who wanted a relationship, not necessarily to get stuck with the notion that one's partner must be equally qualified. There may be more acceptance to be had elsewhere. And it doesn't have to represent a compromise in standards.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hazey*Jane:
In an odd sort of way, I've found more acceptance (in the context of relationships) of my highly educated state from people with far less academically driven backgrounds than I have from men who are university educated but not to an equivalent level to me. I've been rejected/overlooked on occasions by highly educated/extremely intelligent men, who have often been in pursuit of someone more aesthetically pleasing than myself. I've questioned before on this thread whether women who display strengths in areas some men consider their domain (be it technical subjects, or expression of humour) are considered less desirable than women who are of a more 'traditional' feminine type.
Where it has worked well with my boyfriend I wonder whether there's an element of it being that our educational experiences are sufficiently divergent that it is reduced to a single tick box on the list of ways we differ. Whereas with someone who had more formal education, but not quite as much as me, it might feature more highly as a conflict or a source of inequality or perceived competition?
Competition, yep. IME, I would not limit this ideology to men.
quote:
Originally posted by Hazey*Jane:
So I would say to a highly educated single woman who wanted a relationship, not necessarily to get stuck with the notion that one's partner must be equally qualified. There may be more acceptance to be had elsewhere. And it doesn't have to represent a compromise in standards.
There is the notion, amongst many formally educated, that a formal education is inherently superior to informal. This is a limiting viewpoint, IMO.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
There is the notion, amongst many formally educated, that a formal education is inherently superior to informal. This is a limiting viewpoint, IMO.
Agreed. What the boyfriend lacks in paper qualifications he certainly doesn't in general knowledge and smarts. I think it also helps that I regard what he does for a living as just as important and valid as what I do (and the stresses that go with it). These differences don't have to matter unless you make an issue of them.
[ 04. September 2013, 23:10: Message edited by: Hazey*Jane ]
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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Jane R
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# 331
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Posted
Hazey Jane: quote:
So I would say to a highly educated single woman who wanted a relationship, not necessarily to get stuck with the notion that one's partner must be equally qualified. There may be more acceptance to be had elsewhere. And it doesn't have to represent a compromise in standards.
This is an important point. I know two women who are as highly educated as me who ended up marrying men who didn't go to university. Both couples seem very happy.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
Just to clarify I wasn't talking about equal formal qualifications, but more about finding someone who wouldn't feel threatened by their abilities and who would have enough in common to sustain a relationship in the long term. For someone with a wide range of intellectual interests I would imagine it would be quite frustrating to have a partner who wasn't interested in them, but this is speculation on my part!
[ 05. September 2013, 09:25: Message edited by: Lucia ]
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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lilBuddha
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# 14333
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Posted
There is no one formula for a happy relationship.
In my experience, the bulk of the happy, long-term relationships have intersecting areas of interest as one factor in their equation.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
I'm happy being single. I don't want a relationship. I like the way my life is and don't want someone else in it bothering me and making me work round them. I love solitude and crave it when I'm with other people.
Why why why do my bloody family, despite having this explained to them on many occasions still keep asking me if I've found anyone nice yet? My sister even threatened to sign me up to online dating so she could pick people for me. Why is it apparently socially unacceptable to be single in your late thirties and to be fine about this?
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by chive:
I'm happy being single. I don't want a relationship. I like the way my life is and don't want someone else in it bothering me and making me work round them. I love solitude and crave it when I'm with other people.
Why why why do my bloody family, despite having this explained to them on many occasions still keep asking me if I've found anyone nice yet? My sister even threatened to sign me up to online dating so she could pick people for me. Why is it apparently socially unacceptable to be single in your late thirties and to be fine about this?
Maybe, pace lilbuddha, you could find another who also likes singlehood and designate each other as partners, thus satisfying those on the outside while leaving both of you you free to get on with life as before?
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Lucia: quote:
Just to clarify I wasn't talking about equal formal qualifications...
Yes, I got that, but I do know people who refuse to consider some potential partners on the basis of how many qualifications they have; in fact one of the aforementioned friends encountered opposition from her parents who thought her Other Half wasn't 'good enough' for her. You're quite right though; being intelligent and/or interesting doesn't always correlate with paper qualifications.
I also know someone (thin) who expresses herself quite freely on the subject of Single Men Who Refuse To Go Out With Overweight Women. However, as she is a Single Woman Who Refuses To Go Out With Short Men she is not really in a position to cast the first stone.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
Yes it's one thing to have a preference for certain physical attributes that we find attractive but to refuse to even consider someone who doesn't have that particular physical characteristic is a bit limiting. I had a preference for taller men and rather liked beards (you can blame my first boyfriend for that) but before I married I went out with a number of men of varying heights and certainly rather liked one guy who was decidedly short (he wasn't interested!), and there was a distinct lack of beards among them.
However I have to confess hubby is 6'5" and has had a beard ever since I met him.
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
... happy, long-term relationships have intersecting areas of interest as one factor in their equation.
That makes perfect sense to me. What brought my husband and me together was a mutual interest in music (he was teaching it, I was learning it).
Then I discovered that he could make me laugh ...
We celebrated our silver wedding anniversary in July.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
...Then I discovered that he could make me laugh ...
I think this is one of the most important things in any relationship, the ability to laugh together.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
I just signed up for a meetup group - I'm excited!
It's tag line is 'high brow low brow' and the events are a mixture of arts and cultural stuff, but approached in a down to earth way (??!)
I've just booked for their next meetup - a play at The Traverse, one of my favourite theatres. I'm looking forward to it.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Excellent, Mad Cat! Meetups have been good to me. My Spanish Language one has a number of good events (and, at times, attractive attendees....), and I got introduced to a meditation class that I'm going to on an ongoing basis through the Singles one.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Bump!
So: does no news mean that "no news is good news"?
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Tukai:
Bump!
So: does no news mean that "no news is good news"?
In my case more an inability to put anything in to words!
I'm fortunate in that I enjoy being single, but that doesn't mean that there isn't part of me that would like to be in a relationship. I had been getting to know better a guy who I'm still sure was interested, but he is now pretty much not talking to me. I have a pretty good idea why, and my attitude is, I'm not changing who I am so if he can't deal with it, it's his loss. I am however feeling sad that it might mean that we can't just be friends. For various reasons, that would require an honest conversation that I can't see happening! Ahh well such is life.
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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