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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Nothing doing, and can't be bothered to try online dating again - it just doesn't work for me. Sigh.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
I'm mostly working on myself, trying to address some inner things that get in the way of my own comfort.
The boy and I had a good talk about a month back, dialing down the romantic expectations about our relationship because I realized that the physical attraction just wasn't there for me--it's now pretty much 'friends, with backrubs', and no, backrubs isn't a metaphor. Maybe things will change for us, maybe they won't--he has my blessing to do whatever makes sense for him, and we're ongoingly honest with each other, which is nice.
Still, grr argh, struggling with attraction to Schrodinger Friend--who is coming over for dinner and pumpkin carving in ten minutes, who continues to be a big part of my life (and vice versa). Not pushing for anything to happen in that area: I'm here if she changes, I'm here if she doesn't, we'll be whatever we're both meant to be.
Best to all--let's keep this thread alive!
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
How do you even find 'friends with backrubs' - it's not something I've ever encountered as an option. But then I struggle to find men amongst my interests anyway? There's SCM but most of the men have partners (because that's what happens in all Christian organisations containing young people it seems). Actually my uni's CU has quite a number of young men but none I'd touch with a bargepole due to CU unpleasantness.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689
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Posted
Have a friend who is seriously attractive. I asked her out a few months ago, and she said that due to stuff going on in her life (and she had had some fairly major changes) she wasn't ready to date at that time. I accepted that. During the last few months, her life has settled down again. My attraction to her has grown immensely. I'm very very gently trying to push our friendship a little bit further, and sometimes it seems like she's interested, and then the next there is nothing. Just don't know what on earth to do. Not sure if a few months ago that was a nice brush-off, or whether she still is genuinely not ready to date. *sigh*
Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2004
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
What I would do is make it fun, make it interesting. I'd find something that is fun and different and ask her along to that. I don't know, some kind of cultural festival with jugglers on stilts, or people dressed in Medieval clothes, or different kinds of food from all over the world. Some place with lots of different things to do and see.
Just call her: "Hey, I'm going to this really interesting thing, want to go along?" If she says yes, then go together to this place and once again, relax and have fun. Don't be needy for her attention, but show that you can enjoy yourself. When you're feeling more confident, make some playful hints to her.
[ 07. November 2013, 12:25: Message edited by: LeRoc ]
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
What I would do is make it fun, make it interesting. I'd find something that is fun and different and ask her along to that. I don't know, some kind of cultural festival with jugglers on stilts, or people dressed in Medieval clothes, or different kinds of food from all over the world. Some place with lots of different things to do and see.
Just call her: "Hey, I'm going to this really interesting thing, want to go along?" If she says yes, then go together to this place and once again, relax and have fun. Don't be needy for her attention, but show that you can enjoy yourself. When you're feeling more confident, make some playful hints to her.
I think this is excellent advice although I'd hold back on the playful hints in case they come over as a pressure. Just concentrate on enjoying time together and getting to know each other, and be a listening ear if she wants to talk.
Nen - vicariously enjoying this thread as an old married who likes being reminded about how the dating game goes.
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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Antisocial Alto
Shipmate
# 13810
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
... I'm very very gently trying to push our friendship a little bit further, and sometimes it seems like she's interested, and then the next there is nothing. Just don't know what on earth to do. Not sure if a few months ago that was a nice brush-off, or whether she still is genuinely not ready to date. *sigh*
Yeah, I think the hinting or ambiguous invitations might actually be pressure-ish. It will just come off as passive-aggressive, since she already knows you have ulterior motives. <insert Mr. Burns hand-rubbing here>
It might be worth asking her to clarify whether she really meant "not right now" or actually meant "never". As long as you're straightforward about it and make it clear that you won't sulk about her answer. *And* that you'll never bring it up again if she asks you not to. Low pressure is important.
Posts: 601 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2008
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689
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Posted
Good advice. When I say pushing our friendship, I was merely making sure that she was invited to stuff that my close friends (of both genders) and I were doing... board game nights, meals out, bible study, etc. Stuff that she had never really been a part of, since she was a friend from a different social group, who I hadn't realised was at all serious about her faith until relatively recently. I was being careful to make sure that if she said she wanted to be friends, that she was included in my circle of friends, and had plenty of time to hang out with me in a group setting, no pressure.
It's starting to look like she might have appreciated it, since last night had a facebook message from her, and she's the one suggesting one-on-one time hanging out doing stuff (she wants me to teach her to bake--hardly a quick job!) so maybe despite my nerves and stress, taking a complete step back, including her and letting her set the pace may have been a good move. Definitely still keeping things light at the moment, but, if nothing else, I've made a really close friend. And if more happens, ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
"Love is friendship that has caught fire..." ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Antisocial Alto
Shipmate
# 13810
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Posted
Hooray! I've used the "teach me to bake" excuse on a fellow or two myself. ![[Biased]](wink.gif) Best of luck, sir.
Posts: 601 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2008
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
I can see lots of opportunities in a 'teach me to bake' session. You're close together, sometimes your hands just have to touch... And I definitely wouldn't miss an opportunity to sling a small piece of dough towards her after she's made a bit of fun of me.
But I guess that would be 'pressure'
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Antisocial Alto:
Hooray! I've used the "teach me to bake" excuse on a fellow or two myself. Best of luck, sir.
The fact that you've used it multiple times means they probably weren't very good teachers, no?
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Antisocial Alto
Shipmate
# 13810
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Posted
Well, the excuse only needed to work long enough to get me into their... ahem... kitchens.
I actually taught myself to bake from America's Test Kitchen some years later, after I was married. Much easier to learn peacefully from PBS than when under the influence of the "raging horn" (to quote from another thread).
Posts: 601 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2008
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Antisocial Alto:
Much easier to learn peacefully from PBS than when under the influence of the "raging horn" (to quote from another thread).
![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
But what else do you call it?
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
"Love is friendship that has caught fire..."
As long as it's only the friendship that catches fire, not Marsman and his ladyfriend's baking ... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37
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Posted
This'll give you all a little laugh.
In the last couple of months I've started going to church again as part of my attempt to get my life back. But it's slow going. I'm not sure what I believe most days, I'm fighting feelings of loneliness and depression, and whilst I'm slowly getting to know new people it feels glacially slow.
One recent highlight however was that I went to visit an old friend last weekend. It was good to see him, we went out, ate a meal, then whisky was consumed and talk turned to my lack of a love life. Now Andy is one of my oldest and best friends but he's also the kind of person who likes to throw petrol on a fire to watch the flames. Plus he was drinking too. Anyway somehow at the end of this I found myself having signed up to not one but two online dating sites, one specifically Christian one not.
Whisky + Smart Phone = unwise decisions
Anyway, it was a trial membership only and in the sober light of day I thought whilst I recognise where the impulse comes from, I'm not ready yet. I need to build a social life of friends first. So I figured I'd just let the thing expire. This morning I get an email saying someone has "waved" at me. She describes herself as "Baptist" and her location is the same town as me, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to the only Baptist church in town. She looks a little familiar. So...
I think I've just used a website to advertise the fact that I'm single to someone who sits a couple of pews away. Feels a little awkward. Actually very awkward because while she seems nice enough I'm very unlikely to do anything about it given where I'm at.
Oh well.
Did I mention, Whisky - bad!
Posts: 3690 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:
This morning I get an email saying someone has "waved" at me. She describes herself as "Baptist" and her location is the same town as me, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to the only Baptist church in town. She looks a little familiar. So...
I think I've just used a website to advertise the fact that I'm single to someone who sits a couple of pews away. Feels a little awkward. Actually very awkward because while she seems nice enough I'm very unlikely to do anything about it given where I'm at.
Oh well.
Did I mention, Whisky - bad!
I wouldn't be surprised if there's someone else in the church who feels a whole lot like you. Who knows, she may even have had a couple of glasses before "waving". I doubt you're the only Baptist that drinks anyway.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
A friend of mine did exactly that (well it wasn’t whisky but same principle) she only signed up for the trial and met her life partner…
If you are not ready to meet anybody yet, can you say explain what you did and say you were looking to expand your social circle and are looking for friends?
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
If you are not ready to meet anybody yet, can you say explain what you did and say you were looking to expand your social circle and are looking for friends?
I'm sure I can. I'm smiling about it rather than worried. Which itself is a bit of a miracle (I tend to get anxious about stuff).
Posts: 3690 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
There are several people from my church on one of the big Christian dating websites. I know I've seen some of the guys and they must have seen me, but no-one ever mentions it! (Actually, I'm quite relieved they never mention it, and my profile's hidden at the moment anyway). It's probably just a "hello! You here too?" more than anything else, and if you don't say anything she probably won't either.
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Just be grateful to be in a church with single people who aren't elderly
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
I caught up with a friend today who was in town for the first time since her wedding in the summer. It was lovely to see her and there were several of us there, then the other single person left and I realised I was sitting with a newly married person, a newly engaged person and a newly coupled-up person! I felt very single, even though I know I'm not even in the right head-space to be looking at the moment - it's been a tough year at work and I don't think I could handle the bad sides of dating at the moment (the date who ignored me til I went away earlier in the year has done little for my confidence). It was just one of those moments where I felt a bit like the odd-one-out, even though none of my friends would have dreamed of considering me to be. It's left me a bit mope-y, so I've eaten a substantial amount of chocolate and watched a lot of West Wing to cheer myself up. So far, this has proved a winning strategy!
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689
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Posted
Well timetabling is not my friend at the moment. My friend and I keep utterly failing to find time to actually hang out and do our baking. *sigh*. I was so excited at her suggesting we spend some time one-on-one, and as of yet, no chance. I've kept everything low-key, no pressure, let her set the timetable, but she's just bailed on tomorrow as something has come up with her family, I think.
I think she's scared, but the mixed signals are just incredibly frustrating. Equally I don't want to push her away by being at all pushy since I get the distinct feeling if I push at all beyond her timeable she'll recluse, so I'm just left feeling abso-bloody-lutely useless. I hate being patient.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2004
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
I hear you on the frustrating. It sounds, though, like what you're doing is the best course of action--you've made it clear that you would enjoy spending time with her, and you're honoring her timetable on that. I would wait until you two were spending a decent bit of time actually together to seek clarity on her feelings, thoughts, intentions, etc--that clarity may develop organically, without the need for a conversation about mixed signals or whatnot. For now, hard as it is, I'd try to interpret ALL signals as platonic ones, and try to put only the energy into this that I would to any other friendship. More might develop, but friendship is its own little spark to take care of--and a lot of times, breathing room around the little spark is what helps it to grow.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Surfing Madness:
quote:
Originally posted by Tukai:
Bump!
So: does no news mean that "no news is good news"?
In my case more an inability to put anything in to words!
I'm fortunate in that I enjoy being single, but that doesn't mean that there isn't part of me that would like to be in a relationship. I had been getting to know better a guy who I'm still sure was interested, but he is now pretty much not talking to me. I have a pretty good idea why, and my attitude is, I'm not changing who I am so if he can't deal with it, it's his loss. I am however feeling sad that it might mean that we can't just be friends. For various reasons, that would require an honest conversation that I can't see happening! Ahh well such is life.
Just re-reading this and thought I would do an update. Turns out saying to him, we were friends now we are not, was all that was needed. I'm trying to process what I think about him, but at least we are back to being friends which is good.
How's everyone else?
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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Anglican_Brat
Shipmate
# 12349
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Posted
Well, here I am, thirty years, and still single, with no partner. I try to be happy for my partnered friends, but sometimes I find it irritating when they say "God has blessed me with a wonderful man/woman."
A part of me wonders, "Why hasn't God blessed me in the same fashion?"
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It's Reformation Day! Do your part to promote Christian unity and brotherly love and hug a schismatic.
Posts: 4332 | From: Vancouver | Registered: Feb 2007
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Not sure if it helps, but God did not bless them. That is poor theology. I am not sure how to do this in a non-purgatorial fashion, but don't think of it as God forsaking your happiness. If s/he exists as you believe, s/he is not operating a matchmaking clinic.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Surfing Madness:
How's everyone else?
Since you asked
It's now been six months since the woman I wanted to be with got back together with her ex. It seems like a lot of people predicted, myself included, that after a bumpy start they're going to do well together. As far as I can tell they're doing well.
I feel like I should be over her by now but I'm not really. However I have noticed that I tend to get more nostalgic and have feelings of missing her when my mood is low anyway. I don't think Christmas/New Year and all the inevitable self-assessment helps.
A friend of mine told me back in July that it'd probably take at least a year to be properly over her. At the time I thought he was vastly over-estimating it but now I'm almost hoping he's right. The problem is that as well as everything else she was my closest and best friend and I've struggled without her support. I've been trying to make other friends and build up support structures elsewhere but it's slow going.
Oh dear this is all a bit negative isn't it?
I don't think I'm really in the market for a relationship right now but maybe in a few months. I do think things will improve.
Posts: 3690 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
...most of the men have partners (because that's what happens in all Christian organisations containing young people it seems).
Didn't to me when I was young. Or lots of my friends. Bit of a myth I think. Certainly more women then men in church, then as now, but many, maybe most, had and have boyfriends or husbands who don't come to church. (All those kids in our congregation have to have had fathers somewhere!)
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
Just dropping by to moan about the evangelical church, and there obsession that if you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you must be about to get married to them. How are you meant to get to know anyone, to think about if there is potential for it to go somewhere. ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
...most of the men have partners (because that's what happens in all Christian organisations containing young people it seems).
Didn't to me when I was young. Or lots of my friends. Bit of a myth I think. Certainly more women then men in church, then as now, but many, maybe most, had and have boyfriends or husbands who don't come to church. (All those kids in our congregation have to have had fathers somewhere!)
It's certainly true in my experience. Student-heavy churches IME tend to have slightly more men than women, though YMMV.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
This might be tangentially related, but, as it deals with the aftermath of breakups/rejection, here goes:
There's a female friend of mine I had a thing for a few months back (okay, this summer, shuddup, I'm really bad at this) but didn't want to because it might make things awkward, and, guess what, it made things awkward, she pulled away, I started swearing, she got a boyfriend, I got nuttin', etc, etc, etc, I done fucked up, sadness and despair, boo hoo, tear. The usual.
That's not the problem. I mean, it's a problem, but it's my problem, and my problems are kinda boring and repetitive.
No, the real problem is that she has two of my books at her place* that I gave her at the beginning of the summer and that I know she didn't really have much of a chance to read before her doctoral program started. I kind of want my books back (okay, really want my damn books back), and waiting for her and her boyfriend to break up doesn't seem like the best (or most charitable!) course of action. So how the Hell do I get my stuff from someone who's too fucking busy and vice versa without making an awkward situation worse?
*For those wondering, those would be an omnibus volume of Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's series (weirdly enough, the second copy I'd have lost because of a breakup), and Yukio Mishima's The Temple of the Golden Pavilion that I think a friend of mine who's smart, sarcastic, incredibly gorgeous, athletic, stuck in a dead-end job that's nowhere near worthy of her, has a dead sexy Felt road bike and whom I do not have any romantic feelings for at all, do not tell me otherwise, lalala, I can't hear you, I really can't afford to fuck up ANOTHER friendship, thankyou would really like. Also, if she had the book, it would mean that I could never even think of hitting on her, lest I lose it again, so motivation to stay on the straight and narrow!
Note to self, for future reference (you know, in case Hell freezes over or comet starts cuddling the happy little fluffy bunnies): only give out books to girls you know aren't going to dump you.
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
No solid advice, but I feel you. At one point in the aftermath of my Schrodinger's Relationship, I actually bought myself a new copy of Difficult Conversations because I didn't have the guts to ask her for my book back.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Every lend is a gift given. If it returns, it is a gift received. Accepting this has saved various relationships for me. If I cannot bear an item's loss, it does not get lent.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
In my 20's I lent a copy of Asimov's Treasury of Humor to the friend of a guy I was dating. When he broke up with me to go back to his old girlfriend, he and the friend I loaned the book to began trash-talking me and phone-harassing me so bad that I didn't dare go over her house to pick up the book,as she suggested-- I was afraid they would be waiting for me.
The book itself I could (and did) pick up again, but what made this a treasure is my grandfather had scribbled notes for his comedy routines in the front and back leafs, and the margins. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
That sucks, Kelly.
I have never been that generous as to loan such a thing to anyone.
To be honest, I do not tend to leave anything behind either. Several reasons, not least is one ex using the ruse of returning a picnic rug to re-kindle a relationship that they ended. Crazy person.
ETA, the ex was crazy, not you, Kelly.
[ 07. January 2014, 05:42: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
So how the Hell do I get my stuff from someone who's too fucking busy and vice versa without making an awkward situation worse.
Pay for a courier to pick it up from her house/Work?
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
That's what I was thinking, too, third party assistance.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689
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Posted
I hate how I can not think about my fairly serious ex-girlfriend for months. Then a mutual friend goes to something she's at, and pictures get posted on facebook and once again I feel like crap for days on end because I miss her so much, over two years later.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
I ran into my ex's best friend and his wife on NYE, just before the party I went to. I sneaked around and avoided them. It's been, like 10 years.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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betjemaniac
Shipmate
# 17618
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
I hate how I can not think about my fairly serious ex-girlfriend for months. Then a mutual friend goes to something she's at, and pictures get posted on facebook and once again I feel like crap for days on end because I miss her so much, over two years later.
When you're still doing it in two years' time, welcome to my world. It can best be avoided by defriending mutual friends (seriously, if they're that good friends the fact you don't see their every waking move on facebook won't matter). The fact that mine also makes semi-regular appearances in the national press means I have also given up on the national press....
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And is it true? For if it is....
Posts: 1481 | From: behind the dreaming spires | Registered: Mar 2013
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
Other than the obvious ask them, is there any way of working out if someone is interested? (I'm still trying to work out if the bloke I'm getting to know better, just wants to be friends, or is looking for it to go somewhere else.)
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Manage to work out that and you can make your fortune advising others.
Be nice if it were more like animals: display, decide, get on with it.
do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight
[ 26. January 2014, 16:54: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
I am gonna have NIGHTMARES about that first bird, with the oblong black frill thing and the stampy, stampy feet.
Surfing Madness, do you feel an interest yourself? I'm assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that the bloke, if he does, will eventually show his hand, as it were. Sooner or later, these things do tend to come out, though there's always the possibility of asking someone who knows him if you'd like to know more, faster.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
Just asking can work. If they respond to it then you have set up an expectation of communicating with words, which personally I much prefer to having to decode signals.
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
Thanks for the advice, some of it more helpful than others! One of the problems is that for various reasons, it would be awkward if we fell out, which there is always the possibility of if there is a discussion about how we feel, and the other one doesn't feel the same.
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I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
You don't have to come out and say how you feel. You can indicate interest in more subtle ways. You can say something like "I'm really enjoying getting to know you better" and see how he responds.
More details would be helpful. What has happened so far? How does he behave toward you?
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
You don't have to come out and say how you feel. You can indicate interest in more subtle ways. You can say something like "I'm really enjoying getting to know you better" and see how he responds.
Too subtle. He's a man. He'll misinterpret that totally. If he's an egotistical evil stalker monster he'll take it as licence to do as he likes. If he's whatever we call a normal reasonably decent bloke these days (now that "nice guy" has become, in the US blogosphere anyway, a code for "egotistical evil stalker monster") he'll assume you can't really fancy him and you're just being nice. Or polite. Or kind, or something.
If you are going to be direct you need to be direct and unmistakable. Which is of course really difficult as its very embarrassing if unreciprocated. Pretty much destroys whatever normal friendly relationship you might have had otherwise.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
Have you all gone out on a date?
I think the "I kind of like you and I want to know if there is potential for something here" conversation, perhaps counter-intuitively, comes after a few dates. The fun part of the first few dates is the battle to see who can best balance being cool and coy with being flirty- that's how we dance, that's our version of showing off our feathers.
So I might suggest, if you haven't already, that you ask around among your friends for a cool casual thing you could do with a guy you kind of like (a cool museum is a good place to start) and just invite him out some afternoon. I know that seems very forward, but it actually allows him a lot more leeway to relax and feel things out for himself than confronting him with your feelings, and as long as you are cool and casual about it, it makes him work for it if he decides you are worth it, which will make it better for him when you actually do have the conversation.
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
If you are going to be direct you need to be direct and unmistakable. Which is of course really difficult as its very embarrassing if unreciprocated. Pretty much destroys whatever normal friendly relationship you might have had otherwise.
I dunno about "pretty much destroys"--it changes the dynamics a bit, may require some time and shifting around, but I and most people I know have moved successfully past this kind of conversation with people who remain good and treasured friends. (My closest friend right now is one I went through this with.)
Especially if you're in the early stages of getting to know a person and trying to figure out what path you'll both take, I think a "I fancy you a bit/ oh crap, you don't feel the same/ wanna carry on as friends then?", if done without too much hand-wringing, can be a blip you move easily past.
Though I reckon there are usually ways of avoiding the conversation and figuring things out without being so direct.
Keep us posted, Surfing Madness! May things become clear, if clarity's desired, or, if not, may you enjoy the ambiguity.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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