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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Too much work, daisydaisy, easier to do the family version of this.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
I was told that the classic maxim for a woman trying to find a man in Alaska is;
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
YMMV ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
alas, my mileage does not vary. it's all true.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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moonlitdoor
Shipmate
# 11707
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Posted
maybe I am an innocent like lilbuddha but I would assume that actress and bartender meant exactly that. All I might think is that acting is a very crowded profession so maybe the person might do less acting than they would like and more bar tending.
I am rather surprised by the response Comet got, as I would have thought there were other websites for people who wanted that sort of thing where people would say so directly rather than putting code words in profiles.
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We've evolved to being strange monkeys, but in the next life he'll help us be something more worthwhile - Gwai
Posts: 2210 | From: london | Registered: Aug 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
It shows a commendably unprejudiced turn of mind. But nevertheless, professions come with stereotypes. I remember a stushie in my young day over an ad featuring a rather tousled woman in a Wild West saloon girl outfit with the caption 'I used to be the mainstay of the local library before I discovered...' How dare they suggest that librarians were repressed!
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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daisydaisy
Shipmate
# 12167
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by moonlitdoor:
I am rather surprised by the response Comet got, as I would have thought there were other websites for people who wanted that sort of thing where people would say so directly rather than putting code words in profiles.
I'm not surprised because I had similar responses when I used the same site a while ago. It's almost as though a profile has to say you're not Into these things.
Posts: 3184 | From: southern uk | Registered: Dec 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Feeling a bit stressed today. Penelope has been having health issues of an ambiguous nature. It is a neck injury (on top of a cervical spine injury from a car accident years ago) which seems to be causing her carotid artery to do weird stuff.
Yeah, I said carotid. As in "major artery providing blood to the brain." Did I mention the whole stress thing? But add to that the lax approach of her doctor's office that wanted her to get an MRI but then didn't want to do the actual paperwork to get pre-approval from the insurance company. We know that because we called the insurance company to find out why the preapproval was taking so long and they--somewhat stressed--went on a long description of all their efforts to try to get the doctor's office to provide the information.
But that is straightening itself out and this isn't a Hell thread so let's just leave it there. Penelope managed to get the MRI and is doing better, but still no decent diagnosis.
It scares me how much of my happiness depends on her health and happiness. Still, we had a nice night out on Wednesday with friends. Her eyes were twinkling, which makes it all worthwhile.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Oh goodness--I hope things go well for her.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Yeah. Good Lord.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Been a bit quiet on this thread lately. How are folks?
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
Trying to figure out the Venn diagram of my vocation (and what my vocation looks like) and my relationships...
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
So. Um. Yeah.
Still not anywhere near a position where I would feel comfortable dating, but...
I have been volunteering at a TV station for about 12 years, and working a specific show for (I think) 10. We have a solid team of people who really like each other and work well together. (My fervent wish is that, in whatever arena, I can find myself in a work situation with that dynamic!)
So, over the last year or so, I have been developing a friendship with the director. We never meet outside the studio, and he seems like one of those chronic bachelor types, but over the years he has been spotting interest and aptitude in me, and has been actively setting me up for appropriate, gently increasing challenges.
In short, he is a fantastic teacher. He started by giving me goofy, erratic camera shots to try out when I was working camera, then one day he announced that I was ready to work as technical director, and just last week he walked into the studio and announced that I was ready to direct-- with him playing "driving instructor" by my side, of course. I balked and asked him if we could do it next time.
Here's the thing, though-- I myself had been wondering if I should take a stab at directing. It was like he sensed I was ready.
In any case, I was hugely flattered, but also it just made me sit back and consider him-- I was really impressed with how patient and encouraging he has been with me, and how genuinely pleased he seems at my growth. (and he is just a kick-as director himself.) I can't remember the last time I felt so comfortable and accepted and just good with a male-type person that wasn't a nephew or a student.
Now, all this is just perfect in and of itself-- I have no real designs on the guy, nor do I want to mess up group dynamics by fooling around flirting with him.(although I did tell him that I'd been wondering if he'd been grooming me to direct someday. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ) I have the opposite problem-- when I begin liking someone, even in the most casual way, I immediately get paranoid that I'm projecting it from every pore, and I act squirrely and weird and probably wind up acting like I am put off by him. I am sure I send wild mixed messages, and wind up feeling miserably embarrassed for having been so shamefully transparent.
I know exactly where this comes from, not that it helps-- it comes from being bullied at school, and being in a position where I could actually draw someone into my bullying circle by being friendly with them. (Meaning-- if you were seen talking to me, chances were you were next on the bullying list.) All through school, people would be friendly to me in private and withdraw (or even attack) in public. So, after a while I learned to devalue my affections, and affect a noncommittal attitude -- I still have these lingering feelings that, when I like someone, I am imposing myself on them somehow. In a less dramatic way, I feel this way when forming friendships with women, too.
So, basically-- I just want to enjoy liking people without worrying about all that shit. I want to understand my affection is not a burden but a gift, without worrying who agrees with me.
The good news is we aren't meeting again for a few months, so I don't have to worry about any immediate faux pas on my part. But it just feels crazy- having that fundamental discomfort with my own feelings of affection.
[ 05. April 2014, 07:12: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Your experience resonates with me, Kelly. It seems like thinking, feeling young people carry a lot of their past experiences into their adult lives. I have to remind myself, often, that middle school is OVER, and the way I learned to see myself then is not the way those around me now see me.
How lovely for you, to get a chance to reality-test like this, to see if what used to feel true for you is still, ultimately, true. You have a concern, left over from more vulnerable times in your life, that friendship with you is an imposition that you're making on a person who may not want it. And you have in your life a good and interesting person with whom you have much in common, who sounds like he enjoys your company and would like to spend some of his own time growing your potential in an area you both enjoy. Are you imposing? Doesn't sound like it.
I have to do this kind of examination and reality-testing all the frickin' time. It sucks to start in a place where you doubt your own value and assume, from the get-go, that you don't belong at the party. For me, though, I am increasingly finding that my past views of myself (I'm unwelcome, I'm imposing, people are tolerating me rather than feeling happy I'm there) do not hold up to the scrutiny I can give them, and there's something kind of nice in that. I hope that's true for you as well--just speaking as someone who's had a bit of face-time with you and greatly enjoyed it, I suspect it might be.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
TBH, I think I am slowly moving from a place where I kind of chose situations that validated my assumptions about all of the above, to a place where I am challenging myself to make better choices. So, with E.-- he's just a friend, and I want nothing more--well, more friendship, perhaps-- but his importance to me raises a little in terms of "See that, Kelly? That's what a good choice looks like."
Wow, typing that out was amazingly clarifying.
Thanks, though! It's comforting to know someone as cool as you has struggled with the same kinds of things. And your approach seems efficient-- subject the assumptions to scrutiny, and they will weaken.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Sola gratia
Apprentice
# 14065
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Posted
![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif) for Kelly
Awww, you've warmed all my cockles with that.
Also wow - same here with the schoolgirl bullying leading to thinking-people-tolerate-your-presence paranoia at anything substantial enough to be considered friendship. And what you said about getting sweaty and jumpy when you think 'oh no! My liking is showing!' and suddenly acting weird round whoever it is - been there.
Sounds like you've got to a good point though, at least in that you have consciously recognised that tendency to be ashamed of your liking someone, and want and are trying to remember it's a good thing. That's great!
When I feel a bit uncomfortable and sore thumb-like, I try and preach the following to myself:
"Remember: you are allowed to have friends and nice relationships of all kinds with people and to enjoy it. No one would expect anything else. This is normal, this is fine, don't worry that you're fucking it up, just relax." Repeat until calm. You may or may not find this helpful
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I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment - Bill Bailey
Posts: 20 | From: England | Registered: Aug 2008
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Nothing to admit, erm, confess, um, nothing to see. Just straightening the brick a brac and placing at the front of the cupboard.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by daisydaisy:
quote:
Originally posted by moonlitdoor:
I am rather surprised by the response Comet got, as I would have thought there were other websites for people who wanted that sort of thing where people would say so directly rather than putting code words in profiles.
I'm not surprised because I had similar responses when I used the same site a while ago. It's almost as though a profile has to say you're not Into these things.
Specialist sites do exist but the dregs there who have no success then go on to blight the normal dating sites. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) It makes for a lot of frogs to kiss I'm afraid.
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699
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Posted
I have positive news...
I went to a thing at the beginning of February (oh, ok, Christian speed dating, which isn't as bad as it sounds) and met a guy. We decided to meet again for a coffee. Then we went on another couple of dates and I had a lot of panic about whether or not I wanted to date him. Decided to give it a shot as he was very nice and I was just worrying too much. And now it's been two entire months and still seems to be going well. This is all a bit strange for me - normally things fall apart slightly before this stage. Part of me is waiting for something to go wrong, part of me is just enjoying it all because it's really very nice and he's lovely.
Is being somewhat surprised by all of this sort of thing normal?
Posts: 863 | From: the diaspora | Registered: Apr 2002
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Scots lass:
Is being somewhat surprised by all of this sort of thing normal?
Yes! Been there!
Congratulations on your news.
![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
I talk too much. I mean, this is normal SOP for me, but 10 times worse on a date or a proto-date. With friends I can manage to sit in comfortable silence, but when attraction is involved, it is difficult. Is the quiet merely a lull, or did it just get uncomfortable up in here? Did I say something wrong? Did I manage to say something right and it is being processed?
Yes, I over-think. I analyse conversations as I am having them anyway. Just gets worse when I like someone.
I need to find a local branch of OnandOnAnon.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
I have the opposite problem-- when I like someone, my tongue goes on lockdown. Took me a while to figure out I was convincing half the people I like that I didn't like them.
[ 25. June 2014, 16:06: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Another overanalyzer here. I also tend to clam up a wee bit--fear of saying something odd leads to the oddness of not saying much at all.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
If they cannot handle odd, they cannot handle me, so better to know right away.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
I know a guy who actively pursues that strategy by turning up to first dates on a small, decrepit moped. I have not been told whether he first washes and brushes his teeth. To what extent is it wise to deploy expectations-management?
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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An die Freude
Shipmate
# 14794
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I have the opposite problem-- when I like someone, my tongue goes on lockdown. Took me a while to figure out I was convincing half the people I like that I didn't like them.
I believe it was the Muppet Test doing the rounds in Circus a while back where one of the questions presupposed you walked down the street and saw someone very attractive coming up towards you. The question was not whether you would mess it up, but how. Speaking too little was the first option. Speaking too much was the second. There were more, but I'd say that covers in plenty of us, myself being part of the latter camp.
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"I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable."
Walt Whitman
Formerly JFH
Posts: 851 | From: Proud Socialist Monarchy of Sweden | Registered: May 2009
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:
I know a guy who actively pursues that strategy by turning up to first dates on a small, decrepit moped. I have not been told whether he first washes and brushes his teeth. To what extent is it wise to deploy expectations-management?
Plenty of awesome people have cheap cars (or no car) (or a rubbish bike) but that is a different kettle of fish from someone who does not perform basic personal hygiene.
I don't do "high femme" but if invited out to a dressy up sort of place I would either request somewhere more casual or do my best and add a disclaimer of "sorry but this is about as girly as I can manage".
I think it's reasonable to request "smart casual" from anyone for a first date.
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all.
Having a moment are you?
Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689
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Posted
As the number of my single friends plummets progressively as I go through my twenties, I start to get more and more depressed. Today two friends got engaged. One my age, and one depressingly enough is one of my former youth from when I was last involved in youth ministry.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2004
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South Coast Kevin
Shipmate
# 16130
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
As the number of my single friends plummets progressively as I go through my twenties, I start to get more and more depressed. Today two friends got engaged. One my age, and one depressingly enough is one of my former youth from when I was last involved in youth ministry.
The lack of replies probably means there's not much to say in response to this... ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
My only feeble contribution is that maybe (wild stab in the dark, ignore if not helpful!) you might find it worthwhile to take more risks. If you kinda like someone, or just meet someone and feel a bit of a spark, then see if they'd like to meet for a drink or a walk or whatever. Low-key and casual, but taking the risk that (a) they might say 'No' or (b) you might fall for them in a more serious way but then it doesn't work out in the end.
You know what they say - nothing ventured, nothing gained...
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My blog - wondering about Christianity in the 21st century, chess, music, politics and other bits and bobs.
Posts: 3309 | From: The south coast (of England) | Registered: Jan 2011
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by South Coast Kevin:
quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
As the number of my single friends plummets progressively as I go through my twenties, I start to get more and more depressed. Today two friends got engaged. One my age, and one depressingly enough is one of my former youth from when I was last involved in youth ministry.
The lack of replies probably means there's not much to say in response to this...
My only feeble contribution is that maybe (wild stab in the dark, ignore if not helpful!) you might find it worthwhile to take more risks. If you kinda like someone, or just meet someone and feel a bit of a spark, then see if they'd like to meet for a drink or a walk or whatever. Low-key and casual, but taking the risk that (a) they might say 'No' or (b) you might fall for them in a more serious way but then it doesn't work out in the end.
You know what they say - nothing ventured, nothing gained...
The problem is, what do you do when everyone says no?
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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South Coast Kevin
Shipmate
# 16130
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Posted
Well, yeah... I have no answer for that! Anticipating that question is what made me hold off from replying to MarsmanTJ's post for a while.
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My blog - wondering about Christianity in the 21st century, chess, music, politics and other bits and bobs.
Posts: 3309 | From: The south coast (of England) | Registered: Jan 2011
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
Life begins at 30 ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
Hang in there, Marsman. Some of us are just late bloomers.
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by South Coast Kevin:
quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
As the number of my single friends plummets progressively as I go through my twenties, I start to get more and more depressed. Today two friends got engaged. One my age, and one depressingly enough is one of my former youth from when I was last involved in youth ministry.
The lack of replies probably means there's not much to say in response to this...
My only feeble contribution is that maybe (wild stab in the dark, ignore if not helpful!) you might find it worthwhile to take more risks. If you kinda like someone, or just meet someone and feel a bit of a spark, then see if they'd like to meet for a drink or a walk or whatever. Low-key and casual, but taking the risk that (a) they might say 'No' or (b) you might fall for them in a more serious way but then it doesn't work out in the end.
You know what they say - nothing ventured, nothing gained...
The problem is, what do you do when everyone says no?
Make a list of the characteristics of the people you usually ask, then ask someone who doesn't have one of those characteristics (or even any of them).
Most of the people I know who suddenly found someone after years of not, found people by accident who were not the 'type' of people they had previously been involved with. Whether that was in terms of sub-culture, gender, age or whatever.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by South Coast Kevin:
Well, yeah... I have no answer for that! Anticipating that question is what made me hold off from replying to MarsmanTJ's post for a while.
Oh please don't feel put off - I mean, it is a good thing to do, and most people don't find that everyone says no.
However, I think some people (like me) are just not very good at situations like that - I think it's why online dating isn't any good for me, I think it's just a personality thing. I can only be attracted to people I've known for a long time.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by South Coast Kevin:
quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
As the number of my single friends plummets progressively as I go through my twenties, I start to get more and more depressed. Today two friends got engaged. One my age, and one depressingly enough is one of my former youth from when I was last involved in youth ministry.
The lack of replies probably means there's not much to say in response to this...
My only feeble contribution is that maybe (wild stab in the dark, ignore if not helpful!) you might find it worthwhile to take more risks. If you kinda like someone, or just meet someone and feel a bit of a spark, then see if they'd like to meet for a drink or a walk or whatever. Low-key and casual, but taking the risk that (a) they might say 'No' or (b) you might fall for them in a more serious way but then it doesn't work out in the end.
You know what they say - nothing ventured, nothing gained...
The problem is, what do you do when everyone says no?
Make a list of the characteristics of the people you usually ask, then ask someone who doesn't have one of those characteristics (or even any of them).
Most of the people I know who suddenly found someone after years of not, found people by accident who were not the 'type' of people they had previously been involved with. Whether that was in terms of sub-culture, gender, age or whatever.
Honestly, I have asked people who weren't my 'type' and still got a no. I've been on dating websites where I've just messaged everyone, and have had no response whatsoever.
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Surfing Madness:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all.
Having a moment are you?
Me too! ARGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Tinder argggh! OKC arggh! POF argggh! Match.com ARGGGH!
Trying to meet men! ARGGGHGH
That is all.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
I've changed all of my online meat-market profiles to "I'm going on sabbatical for a while from hunting for people to play with online. Something's not working for me, and I think part of it is probably focusing too much in the internet as a place to meet people. If we've been in touch and you'd like my e-mail address, please let me know, but I won't be checking things here as often for a while" and Cubby and I are joining a local club!
I have found internet dating sites rather awful in terms of meeting people. I've managed to get together with such a tiny number of them! To the ones you list, duchess, I can add adam4adam, fetlife, recon, bear411, and more... Note: Google any of these at your peril, and not at work
[ 23. July 2014, 05:03: Message edited by: ChastMastr ]
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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
A year after having been spurned rather brutally, I accidentally came across a picture of her new shiny engagement ring. Though not even from the guy she spurned me in favour of.
Good to see her happy, but it does rather sting. ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Perhaps you might think to yourself that her upcoming nuptials will almost certainly change her blissful state somewhat, and in many people's experience the hard slog is about to start. Whereas your happy-dappy courtship-and-honeymoon period are all ahead of you!
MiM...married for quite a while, and looks like it.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
I attended the weddings of 2 people I had sort-of-fancied but never acted on it, back when I was younger and had Lots of Issues.
I felt a whole lot better when they both had sprogged within a year of the wedding. One had impregnated his wife during the honeymoon ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif) Wrote both of them off as Narrow Escapes and moved on with life.
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
A year after having been spurned rather brutally, I accidentally came across a picture of her new shiny engagement ring. Though not even from the guy she spurned me in favour of.
Good to see her happy, but it does rather sting.
Oooch. Been there.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
Dear Shippies, I'm here to throw myself on your mercies and risk eternal jokes at my expense in Hell and all the rest.
Here's the problem: I've been asked on a date. The issue is that I'm 40 years old, the mother of three, hardly new to the game; yet I've never been on a date*.
Where I grew up (not even typical for the majority of Alaskans) we didn't "date". We'd meet through mutual friends, chat when we run into each other, eventually the man would offer to walk you home to keep you safe. This would often lead to kissy stuff and away we'd go, building to fishing trips together and sitting next to each other at Potlatch.
But today I was asked "will you allow me to buy you dinner sometime?" and it was flirty so I think it's a date. (right?) what are the rules? I assume the idea that the fella pays for everything is out of date, though he did specify that. Do I get picked up? I'm perfectly capable of driving myself. Is there an assumption of more activity after dinner? Kissing etc? I like this guy but I want to know I have an out if he turns out to be a republican or something. He asked what nights I was free and I said all of them... But was he thinking ALL night? Because I do work in the mornings.
Help!
And am I overthinking this?
(go ahead, poke fun. I can take it.)
*that I am aware of. The definition of "date" is fuzzy to me.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Erm, well, hmmm. I cannot help you with all of the dynamics, though I'll try with what I can.
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
But today I was asked "will you allow me to buy you dinner sometime?"
The asker pays.
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Do I get picked up?
If I trust* the person, I will let them drive.
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Is there an assumption of more activity after dinner? Kissing etc? I like this guy but I want to know I have an out if he turns out to be a republican or something.
Their should never be assumptions. Hopes, well...
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
He asked what nights I was free and I said all of them...
![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
Yeah, no. Don't say that. I hate games, I hate dishonesty, but don't say that. "What night were you thinking? Let me check my calender, yes, I think I can manage that night" quote:
Originally posted by comet:
But was he thinking ALL night? Because I do work in the mornings.
Maybe you should drive, after all. Leave yourself options.
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
And am I overthinking this?
Oh, gods! I am an expert on overthinking these things. Relax and let it happen.
Again, my dynamics are different, but this day and age, they should not differ too much.
*For certain values of trust.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
But today I was asked "will you allow me to buy you dinner sometime?" and it was flirty so I think it's a date. (right?) what are the rules? I assume the idea that the fella pays for everything is out of date, though he did specify that. Do I get picked up? I'm perfectly capable of driving myself. Is there an assumption of more activity after dinner? Kissing etc? I like this guy but I want to know I have an out if he turns out to be a republican or something. He asked what nights I was free and I said all of them... But was he thinking ALL night? Because I do work in the mornings.
Yes, you have a date and he is paying, although it may be good to offer to go halves at some point during the evening. Dating has changed so much since I did it and it appears these days there can be an expectation of, "I bought you dinner so you owe me something for afterwards." I am old fashioned enough not to expect even kissing on a first date, unless it's a goodnight one, let alone anything else. I'd also take my own transport to have the option of leaving when I want to.
Nen - hoping you have a lovely evening.
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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South Coast Kevin
Shipmate
# 16130
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Posted
Ooh how exciting, comet! I was the 'asker' in very much the same situation around 6 months ago. I did pay but it was only 2 drinks at a coffee shop so less of a deal than dinner. That went well, I asked her if she would like to meet for dinner around a week later, which we did. We arrived separately for both those dates and, personally, I'd say that's best if you don't really know your date.
She then asked me (yay!) if I'd like to spend one Saturday with her, and things kinda carried on from there.
As for kissing and all that, my girlfriend (yay!) and I didn't kiss until the end of date 4, and that was a slightly awkward kiss goodnight on the cheek. I'm such a gentleman. A gentleman, not a coward, oh no...
So, um, yeah. Hope that helps somehow, and all the best!
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My blog - wondering about Christianity in the 21st century, chess, music, politics and other bits and bobs.
Posts: 3309 | From: The south coast (of England) | Registered: Jan 2011
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ecumaniac
Ship's whipping girl
# 376
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Posted
He asked, so let him pay. You could offer to pay for the tip if you like.
Always drive yourself. Always. (Unless it was someone that you are already friends with and have been in each other's cars before.) Make sure your phone is fully charged and in working order, and let someone know where you are going, who you are going with and what time you are due home. (You can see from my safety protocols that I am used to going on 'dates' with strangers off the internet...)
Have a clear line in your mind beyond which you don't want to go. You can set your own boundaries, there are no 'rules' as such. But once you have decided (eg. yes to holding hands but no kissing or sex) then don't go beyond them - in the heat of the moment your judgment may be compromised. There's always next time
Have fun!
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it's a secret club for people with a knitting addiction, hiding under the cloak of BDSM - Catrine
Posts: 2901 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Jun 2001
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ecumaniac:
He asked, so let him pay. You could offer to pay for the tip if you like.
No no no no no no no no no no don't do that....
That tells him you think he's cheap and won't tip properly. Paying the tip is part of paying for dinner.
As far as who drives, I'd go with those suggesting that you drive yourselves and meet there.
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Having only ever dated one bloke* I'm not really in a position to offer advice (especially as we'd known each other for several years before we started dating), so all I can offer is best wishes.
Good luck!
* to whom I've now been married for 26 years
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
But today I was asked "will you allow me to buy you dinner sometime?" and it was flirty so I think it's a date. (right?) what are the rules?
The rules are whatever you decide you feel most comfortable with, in the light of your own local culture.
Personally, I wouldn't let a man buy me dinner for a first date. This is because there are often unspoken expectations, and it puts you in a position of obligation to return the favour another time. If you've decided you like him and would be happy to see him again, no problem, but if you've decided partway through the evening he's a pimple and you can't wait to leave, you're a bit stuck.
First meetings can be a bit full of expectations and summings up and it can be best to keep it light and casual, just go for drinks. It may be that both of you hit it off and decide to get some food as well, but if not, you're free to leave at any time. When you're stuck waiting for the next course and for him to pay the bill before you can leave, it's less easy.
Incidentally, do ask him where he had in mind, hopefully it's a place you'd feel comfortable eating in and serves food you'd be happy to eat. It's no good if he has a thing for a culinary tradition you don't like.
Re personal safety, I'd advise against getting into a car with a man you don't know. I always used to leave a note behind in my room with contact details of the person I was going to meet. It can be in a sealed envelope, which you can throw away unopened when you return home later, but it does give you peace of mind.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
Thanks, everyone. Really good advice, I appreciate it so much!
Just to clarify, this is a former colleague from my radio days whom I've known for about 13 years. We have gobs of mutual friends, and while we've never really been "friends" (never lved in the same town until now) we know eachother quite well. Also- it's a very small town, and if I feel I have to leave I can easily walk home from every restaurant we have. Also- he knows my mama. Anyone who knows my mama wouldn't risk hurting me. she's like me, only worse.
My bigger concern is more how to talk and act... Something about a "date" feels awkward, somehow. I'd normally chat with this man easily, but now that it's a "date" it feels... I dunno. Weird.
I'll cope, I'm sure.
one thing that I love is that he isn't intimidated by me and actually ASKED. And he's a performer so our eccentricities are compatible!
*deep breaths*
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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