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Source: (consider it) Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Thanks, Jackie, I was indeed thinking she had emailed the Greenbelt people.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Yes, sorry - Christian Connection are separate to Greenbelt and it was CC I emailed! Greenbelt is very LGBT friendly.

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged
infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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<bump>

Unless we all got blissfully partnered since the last post, I'm digging this out before Seasonal Tidy.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

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Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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*bumpity bump*

Is everybody happily partnered off, or are we just bored of bemoaning being single?

--------------------
Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

Posts: 3095 | From: the penultimate stop? | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
Scots lass
Shipmate
# 2699

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Very happily partnered at the moment - which still comes as something of a surprise occasionally as I was single for a long time. It's the longest I've been with someone for years, and I've taken a while to get over the expectation of it all going wrong somewhere imminently. It's been remarkably easy, which is lovely. I'm trying very hard not to be smug about it!
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Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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Still single. Depressing. Unable to overcome shyness around women. How is it that my mind goes totally blank? It seems I'm doomed.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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Would that be all women, or just ones you might fancy? I ask because the whys and the what-nexts may differ.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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The ones I like.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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quote:
Originally posted by Zoey:
Is everybody happily partnered off, or are we just bored of bemoaning being single?

Pssst Have you read the "Apple Pie" thread recently?

--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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RuthW

liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13

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quote:
Originally posted by Zoey:
*bumpity bump*

Is everybody happily partnered off, or are we just bored of bemoaning being single?

Still happily seeing the man I met on OKCupid a year ago.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
The ones I like.

I'm not gonna pretend there's a quick, easy answer; if there were, you'd already have put it into practice. It does seem like a common challenge, and if you find what works to get past this, please do let me know so I can try it myself. I find that I get tongue-tied around folks I admire, and that the root of that is a fear that I, myself, am less admirable than they. It's bullcrap, though, and something I try to work through--sometimes by being honest with the person I'm talking to about the fact that my brain sometimes does that.

Sounds like exciting developments among many of us singletons! [Yipee] I can't claim the brass ring myself at this time, but ah well. My non-romance continues apace, with the best friend I'm kind of, well, in love with continuing to be the most important person in my life, and a genuine vice-versa as far as I can tell. We're going on an overnight trip later this week, just the two of us, after spending Thanksgiving with mutual friends. I am open to the idea of a 'real' relationship with someone else, someone who's more able than she is to actually take that leap with another person, but it's hard to imagine, really, how to fit another person in.

Humans are complex little beasties, are they not?

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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After a period of being happily celibate and seriously considering the religious life, I find myself in love with a friend - no hints that he doesn't feel the same way, but he currently lives in the southern US after his visa ran out (we met when he was studying in the UK). Bit of a distance! We talk all the time online but it's not really the same. He's hopefully moving back to the UK in the summer to do his PhD but that feels like such a long time to wait!

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
quote:
Originally posted by Zoey:
Is everybody happily partnered off, or are we just bored of bemoaning being single?

Pssst Have you read the "Apple Pie" thread recently?
I hadn't done. Obviously many congratulations to comet [Smile]

As for me, I'm joining Ad Orientem in the feeling-doomed-so-far-as-romance goes corner.

(I've actually done more about it this year than at any time in the past - going on 2 dates each with 2 guys (i.e. 4 dates total) met via OKCupid. I think both of them were mostly just too polite to say they weren't interested in taking things further after only 1 date. But dating feels to me like very hard work for very uncertain (possibly zero) reward. I'm an introvert, in some ways significantly lacking in the self-confidence stakes, so meeting new people and worrying about the first impressions I make is a pain. Plus I'm unconvinced I'll ever meet anybody I could settle down into a long-term relationship with (because I am weird and not a normal person). Should I really bother with dating or should I focus my energies on being more content as a singlie? (I would like to be in a romantic relationship, but I do adequately without one and chug along with life - which can't be said for everybody who's single.))

[ 25. November 2014, 18:41: Message edited by: Zoey ]

--------------------
Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

Posts: 3095 | From: the penultimate stop? | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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I think for me, it's not about choosing to focus on the one instead of the other: it's about going into both of those experiences (I'm going on a date tonight, I'm working on my profile, I have no plans with anyone , I'm not bringing anyone home for Christmas...) with a sense of, I'm doing this right now, and that is okay. I struggle with that--I'll be on a date with the back of my head thinking, I wish I hadn't bothered, this is too much/too hard/destined to flop, or I'll spend time out of the 'market' as it were and think, this is a mistake, I should be looking for someone. That's what I want to work on--not fully deciding whether I'm in or I'm out, but just being comfortably present with both, in real time.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Zoey that's kind of the situation I was in before. Now I just want to punch this boy in the mouth with my mouth [Waterworks]

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643

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I know the feeling - I was very bad with dates. I could rarely bring myself to invite anyone out, and spent most of my time alone. The few relationships seemed to follow a similar pattern of the other person getting bored and dumping me after a month or two.

But looking back, while those dates / relationships were often difficult, I learned a lot from them, especially about what didn't work for me in a partner. For example, I discovered that I wanted a partner who was active, mature, and intelligent by experiencing what it was like when they weren't. Perhaps the most important one for me was not to have a relationship with anyone who needed my help. Friendship perhaps, but when I am there only to be a crutch for someone, they have no incentive to walk on their own two feet. If they did then I wouldn't be needed anymore and I might leave. So I had to make a rule for myself: it was OK to play the knight in shining armour to rescue someone who was having trouble, but I wouldn't try to develop that into a relationship until they didn't need me anymore. Then I noticed how many of those damsels took their distress to the next convenient knight rather than doing anything about it.

A lot of personal growth forged in the torment of pain. But it helped me to see when I was setting my sights too low out of desperation, and when I was too concerned about meeting someone else's needs rather than my own.

So don't take it too hard when dates don't work out. Yes, it can be painful for in introvert to screw up the courage and then get rejected. But looking back on it with the hindsight of time, I can see what I learned from each such occasion, about myself and the type of partner / relationship that I want. Consider it practice for the next one, and eventually it might not seem so hard to do. Or at least, you will have learned some discernment, so you don't waste as much effort in the future on unsuitable dates.

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Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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Yep, dating is hard. It feels like a job interview, only it lasts much longer than a job interview. It's been about ten years since I last went on one. Small talk is particularly hard. I joined Tinder a little while back and started chatting to a match last night. Let's see how it goes.
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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689

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I hate being single. I live currently in a smallish community, where the only potential mate of around my own age (the girl I've mentioned previously) is still in the middle of a lot of family drama and just not in a position to be able to date. And there is literally no-one else who fits my age + faith profile that I'm looking for.

Funnily enough though, an old flame on facebook posted something about her struggles being single and believing that there's a man out there for her and I made the only comments on it that she 'liked'. I must say, if she wasn't 7000 miles away, I'd send a facebook message suggesting that I'm as interested in her as I ever was, but from 7000 miles away (and six years since I saw her) the idea seems a little creepy.

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Send her a "Hi, I know what you mean. It's the same for me out here." And see if she picks up on it.

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689

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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Send her a "Hi, I know what you mean. It's the same for me out here." And see if she picks up on it.

I said pretty much exactly that in the first comment I made, actually. Might've been better as a private comment for her to pick up on, but she could easily PM me back should she wish to.
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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I thought better of what I wrote afterward, as it could easily be taken as "yeah, I'm in the same boat [and I would be even if we lived next door]".

If you want to de-ambiguous it, you might drop a private message to her along the lines of, "So how are things with your work/family/whatever? And do you ever get up this way?"

If she answers you, you're on the way to a good start.

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Does anyone have any advice for my situation? Do I say something now, or when he's back in the UK?

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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You say you are steadily communicating? I would certainly keep that up. If the exchange is mutual and frequent that tells its own tale. If he fades away then that is another big clue-by-four.

--------------------
Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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I'd keep things as they are while you've got so much physical space between you, especially since it sounds like you started off as friends. Shifting that dynamic is something that I think is best done face to face.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689

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I'm inclined to say that if you are in that much contact, when you get back together again in person, how you feel about each other is going to be really very clear. Far better for it to be that way than have the awkward conversation over skype/facetime/IM package of choice.
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Yeah, it does seem like the more sensible option. How to deal with the pain/moping though?

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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Get another iron into the fire? Do not put all your eggs into this one basket? (several more trite metaphors here) If we postulate that there are as good fish in the sea that ever came out of it, then you could continue on the quest, keeping the long-distance possibility in reserve.

--------------------
Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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Oh not sure I'm capable of that! Can only handle one romantic interest at a time.

--------------------
Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689

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Every time you miss them, pray for them. Try and get to know a little of their daily schedule so that you can have an idea of what they might be doing at that time. Prayer helps to develop intimacy in unexpected ways.
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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Some progress sort of. A man is hanging around, would marry if I were willing but his health is terrible and he insists we'll both be dead in 3 years and talks an awful lot about negatives like which doctors he saw this week. Sweet guy but, I don't know, maybe it's just that he's still deeply grieving his wife. So I told him I need friends but am not into romance.

Will others seeing us hang put together assume we are a couple and back off? What the heck, others weren't showing up. One problem, I discovered, is people think I'm 20 years younger than I am. Most of my friends are 15-20 years younger and assume I'm their age; one widower my age never returned a greeting until some accidental comment I made revealed that we have the same birth year, and he said with surprise he thought I was his daughter's age. He's more responsive since then, but deeply in love with his deceased wife and not dating.

I need to try the dating services. Did so a couple decades ago when it was newspapers which resulted in, um, tales to tell, and definitely no interest in a second date with any of them! I suppose I could get off my duff and at least generate some more wacky stories to tell!

Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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No, this does not sound like a man who has processed his loss and is ready to move on to a new phase in life.
Here in the US (where we have had dicey health insurance until just very recently) there are men who are in search of a 'nurse with a purse' -- a wife who will take care of all their end-of-life issues, and fund same. You do not want to be that nurse.

--------------------
Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
No, this does not sound like a man who has processed his loss and is ready to move on to a new phase in life.
Here in the US (where we have had dicey health insurance until just very recently) there are men who are in search of a 'nurse with a purse' -- a wife who will take care of all their end-of-life issues, and fund same. You do not want to be that nurse.

LOL, I have a relative of sorts who as a young nurse married a sick 70 year old man. He lived another 20 years, fathered 3 kids with her. But he was wealthy and left her rich. A marriage of mutual advantage, not of love. But then, marriage for love seems to be a new invention,

Alas, the sweet man with lots of health problems has only social security from a low paying job, I would probably end up paying his bills as well as nursing him. Can a man with significant health and financial problems find a late in life spouse? Given the demographics and the number of women who hate living alone, it might happen for him.

I suppose none of us in retirement years are a "good catch" including me!

(In states that rejected Obamacare's extension of Medicare/Medicaid, health care is still dicey. A friend pays $7 a month for Obamacare but it's a $6000 deductible policy so she actually gets no access to doctors from it. And she said the rates for 2015 are ten times higher! Utterly unaffordable.)

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Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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Went on a date today for the first time in about 10 years. We just went for a walk but it must have gone ok because we're going for coffee next week. Let's see how it goes. I always get worried that I'll have nothing to say. I'm not very good at making conversation but we seem to have similar interests and go to the same gym. It's a step in the right direction.

[ 26. December 2014, 16:45: Message edited by: Ad Orientem ]

Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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Congrats! A good step, indeed.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
MarsmanTJ
Shipmate
# 8689

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After wedding number too many to count in the last few years, this time for another couple a good few years younger than me (and I'm only mid-twenties) I seem to be the only single person at these things and it's rather depressing.
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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I shouldn't let it worry you too much, Marsman - most people will go to a lot of weddings in their twenties, and there are worse ways of meeting people: my sister and sister-in-law both linked up with the men they married at the weddings of other people.

And when you think about it, at a wedding, you (and your potential mate) are probably looking your best, so it'll be easier to make a good impression.

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Clint Boggis
Shipmate
# 633

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Great idea Piglet if they aren't all couples!

quote:
Originally posted by MarsmanTJ:
After wedding number too many to count in the last few years, this time for another couple a good few years younger than me (and I'm only mid-twenties) I seem to be the only single person at these things and it's rather depressing.



[ 08. January 2015, 23:18: Message edited by: Clint Boggis ]

Posts: 1505 | From: south coast | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
my sister and sister-in-law both linked up with the men they married at the weddings of other people.

And when you think about it, at a wedding, you (and your potential mate) are probably looking your best, so it'll be easier to make a good impression.

Times have changed. The last several weddings I've attended I was the only single person there (other than gays or lesbians, who also were not single but came in pairs.) I teased one groom about not fulfulling the role of getting all his single friends together at the wedding so they can pair off. He said they don't know any single people.

Probably true, people live together and have already ditched their single friends, moved into the couples only world, years before the wedding.

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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688

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That makes me have a sad. These days I have moved into the world of coupledom, but I really dislike that thing of couples only hanging out with other couples. We have decided consciously that we will always have single friends, invite them round for dinner etc.

I think it's an important thing for couples (with or without children) to do. I know how grateful I used to be when I was single for married friends who invited me round.

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Rent my holiday home in the South of France

Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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When I was single before marriage, I don't remember spending time with married friends. I've now been divorced for 12 years and am happy that my married friends are wonderful about including me in activities, dinners at their homes, etc. I know this doesn't often happen, and I count myself very lucky. (And I never feel like it's done out of sympathy.)

Most of these are friends from my church, whom I've gotten to know mainly since divorcing. I don't really have married friends from when I was married, because my ex had become so anti-social that we really didn't have any couple friends.

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
Went on a date today for the first time in about 10 years. We just went for a walk but it must have gone ok because we're going for coffee next week. Let's see how it goes. I always get worried that I'll have nothing to say. I'm not very good at making conversation but we seem to have similar interests and go to the same gym. It's a step in the right direction.

That kind of faded away really quickly. Oh well. But I can't but feel discouraged every time. I'm doomed. [Frown] What little hope I had left is slowly fading away, which is not helped by my intense shyness around women.

Many of my close family and friends have got married and had children recently. Whilst I'm genuinely very happy for them I can't help but think I'm missing out. I so very much want to be a husband and a father and if I don't I think I'll be sad for the rest of my life.

Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I think you need to be a little less hard on yourself. First date in ten years?! Go, you! That had to have taken a lot of courage!

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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Maybe. Still felt like a work interview. I've always been a glass half empty type of guy and a bit of a wally to boot. Somehow I feel like time is running out. I'm forty this yesr. Yuck! Especially if I want to start a family surely I need to find some one younger than me but who is going to fall for a forty year old. And yes, I haven't taken growing older very well.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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Also, you could look to foster or adopt as a single dad. Separating your aspirations for fatherhood from coupledom. It can be an appropriate option for some children (e.g. still in contact with biological mum - can't bear the idea of her being "replaced" but never known bio dad.)

Also, there can be roles for volunteers to mentor children who lack positive male role models in their life.

[ 10. January 2015, 23:33: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
RuthW

liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13

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quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
Especially if I want to start a family surely I need to find some one younger than me but who is going to fall for a forty year old.

You could look for someone close to your age, and if you can't have children with her, adopt. And don't rule out divorced women who already have children.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574

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quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
Especially if I want to start a family surely I need to find some one younger than me but who is going to fall for a forty year old.

You could look for someone close to your age, and if you can't have children with her, adopt. And don't rule out divorced women who already have children.
I would like any children to be biologically my own but I don't rule anything out. I don't know many women my age, in fact none. All the women ai knoe are about 10 years younger than me. To me that isn't a problem but I would guess it is to them, being realistic that is.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Hazey*Jane

Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754

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Don't assume. I was in my early 30s and my other half in his early 40s when we got together. Having children is not something currently high up our list of considerations but there is nothing (we know of) preventing it.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
I've always been a glass half empty type of guy and a bit of a wally to boot.
Me too. IME being married is the toughest marathon ever. We've burned so many of our 15 years together rehearsing our various character flaws and taking lumps out of each other. So I would encourage you to build on that small blurt of self-knowledge and humility. That kind of thing goes a long way in making a relationship even a little bit functional - a lot further than looks, or wit, or youth, or money.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged
la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688

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Ad Orientem, some women go for older men. Just saying.

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Rent my holiday home in the South of France

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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I have a friend who was single on his 40th birthday. He was so convinced he'd remain single that he used to give our children noisy / explosive / etc Christmas presents, and vast quantities of sweets.

It's been a great pleasure providing his twins with football rattles / vuvuzelas/ fart whistles / whoopee cushions etc, etc. [Devil]

His wife is only a couple of years younger.

Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged



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