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Source: (consider it) Thread: A Truth Universally Acknowledged...
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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I have friends who have found true love on the internet. But you do have at least as many duds as you do in real life. There's an ongoing column in the Guardian, by a woman who is doing online dating. The number of men who offer to show her their naughty bits by return email, or immediately suggest getting together for a shag, is truly depressing.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5432 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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quote:
Brenda Clough: The number of men who offer to show her their naughty bits by return email, or immediately suggest getting together for a shag, is truly depressing.
I've never done internet dating, but this suggests to me that a man who doesn't offer to show his naughty bits might have a good chance of a response.


(BTW, how did your witch cake go?)

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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Was that me?

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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Yes sorry, I was referring to this post.

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9462 | From: UK / Africa / Brazil | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
There's an ongoing column in the Guardian, by a woman who is doing online dating. The number of men who offer to show her their naughty bits by return email, or immediately suggest getting together for a shag, is truly depressing.

Back a couple decades (pre web) I answered some ads in the newspaper. Always lunch dates during the week - if he kidnaps me I'll be missed within an hour.

I have stories!

Only one second date. (My choice as much as theirs, not to meet again.) One man, third date he suddenly ended it when he realized I wasn't going to do the "third date ends with sex" thing. He had politely sat through two and a half dates to get to the payoff, not because he found me interesting.

My recent truck-crash ended romance was so different, he was fascinated by me, whether or not he ever got to have sex. That's awesome. Sex as an expression of a relationship not as the reason for putting up with someone.

There's a man here I kinda like but he is a bit too much playboy for me. Another I've flirted with who doesn't respond, turns out it's because I look so young he thought I was his daughter's age; now he's more responsive to a "Hi!" but really not interested, he is married to his work.

I was going to call up an old friend but found out he died of cancer a week earlier.

I'll just have to make new friends!

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Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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I've been on OKCupid for years, have received dozens if not hundreds of messages on there and don't think I've ever had a guy offer to email me rude pics or suggest an immediate shag. Then again, I do delete without answering all the "Hi sexy, how r u?" messages*, sometimes blocking the sender as well to be on the safe side.

(* Any message which shows no sign of the sender having read my profile and which has probably been sent to dozens of women in one night, any message in text speak, etc. These do make up a lot of the 'dozens if not hundreds' of messages I've received - but I've still had a few decent conversations and 4 not-completely-awful dates via OKCupid.)

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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

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Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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Thinking about this further ... whilst not utterly butt-ugly, I am not stunningly beautiful or attractive (certainly not by conventional standards) and I also have an aversion to having my photo taken which means I have possess very few flattering photos of myself. This may make a difference in what messages one receives via online dating. I can imagine a more conventionally attractive woman of my age with a good-quality photo showing her attractiveness on her profile, might end up with more of the instant offers of rude pics and/or sex.

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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

Posts: 3079 | From: the penultimate stop? | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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Oh, my son and this girl have yet to be in the same room together. What with his working nights and her not being at our last pot luck. However, we have a pot luck once a month, and the next one is Monday! So we shall see.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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I've been wondering about asking advice here in relation to some stuff going on in my life.

For now, I would just like to say - my head hurts and human relationships are too messy and complicated and full of opportunities to hurt other people and be hurt (but sadly I haven't sussed the knack of existing without close human relationships).

[brick wall]

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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

Posts: 3079 | From: the penultimate stop? | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
Zoey

Broken idealist
# 11152

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Fuck it. Let's just ask the questions I want people's opinions on.

Background scenario as follows:

A (me) + B had their first romantic relationship with each other and would both agree it was a significant relationship. The break-up was very messy, but after a while they agreed to be friends and have remained close friends for 10 years following said break-up.

Also relevant to all of this is that I (A) am a bit of a weird, depressive loner in general and do not have large numbers of close or trusted friends.

In the 10 years after A and B break up, B dates various people before meeting C, with whom he develops a serious long-term relationship.

At the same time, after very little dating activity for 10 years, A is in the early stages of dating D and is smitten with D, who is thoroughly wonderful.

B and C then get engaged.

Questions:

* What proportion of people in A's position would be able to be thoroughly, unequivocally happy for B and C with no tinge of regret or sadness or anything about past events and hurts?

* Am I deluding myself if I believe that the reason I'm upset is to do with stuff about feelings of loss and rejection from 10 years ago plus ongoing issues regarding loneliness, rather than because I would particularly want to be in a romantic relationship with B again now?

* Is D going to be upset or think it reflects badly on our emerging relationship that I've been kind-of upset about B and C getting engaged?

Both B and D are thoroughly, thoroughly wonderful people. I want both of them to be happy and in that sense I am happy for B and C. But I'm thinking that maybe it doesn't make me a hideous person if my emotional response to B and C getting engaged is more mixed and messed-up than pure, straightforward happiness for them?

(B knows who I am on the Ship and I'm 95%+ sure that he knows and accepts that my emotional response to his news is a bit mixed. D might or might not recognise himself and the situation if he reads this. I am utterly, utterly smitten with D. I don't think we yet know each other as well as B and I know each other, but I want that to happen over time. And I don't want D to think I'm still hankering after a relationship with B - which I don't think I am.)

Argh. This is why my summary was to say that my head hurts.

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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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quote:
Originally posted by Zoey:

B and C then get engaged.

Questions:

* What proportion of people in A's position would be able to be thoroughly, unequivocally happy for B and C with no tinge of regret or sadness or anything about past events and hurts?


0% - though quite alot of them will be facebooking / tweeting with surprising frequency about how everything is fine, and they have just done this wonderful course, and got a fab new hairstyle and are basically fine, of course they are fine, why does everyone keep asking if they are fine, obviously they are fine.

* Am I deluding myself if I believe that the reason I'm upset is to do with stuff about feelings of loss and rejection from 10 years ago plus ongoing issues regarding loneliness, rather than because I would particularly want to be in a romantic relationship with B again now?


No you are not deluding yourself you are almost certainly right.

* Is D going to be upset or think it reflects badly on our emerging relationship that I've been kind-of upset about B and C getting engaged?


Don't know, a sensible person would understand, but if possible you might want to have your most heartfelt conversations with another person you trust.

Both B and D are thoroughly, thoroughly wonderful people. I want both of them to be happy and in that sense I am happy for B and C. But I'm thinking that maybe it doesn't make me a hideous person if my emotional response to B and C getting engaged is more mixed and messed-up than pure, straightforward happiness for them?


You are right, this is the nature of the human condition.

(B knows who I am on the Ship and I'm 95%+ sure that he knows and accepts that my emotional response to his news is a bit mixed. D might or might not recognise himself and the situation if he reads this. I am utterly, utterly smitten D. I don't think we yet know each other as well as B and I know each other, but I want that to happen over time. And I don't want D to think I'm still hankering after a relationship with B - which I don't think I am.)

Maybe write saying basically this last paragraph but expressed in a letter - convential phrasing for B being something like - I wish you every happiness for the future, but I am sure you'll understand my feelings are a little mixed at the moment so I'll need to give myself some space.



[ 15. December 2015, 23:06: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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It all sounds thoroughly normal and human to me. Not having mixed feelings would be unusual, no matter how long ago the breakup was, or how thoroughly glad you are that it turned out that way.

Hopefully D will be understanding of this very normal reaction, but I wouldn't rub D's nose in it by using D as a sounding board on the subject. After all, jealousy is also a normal human reaction, no matter how uncalled for.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Mad Cat
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# 9104

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Yep, totally normal. It's the final closing of a door, and you'll need to process it.

I think with time the sting will disappear, and, as you see them happy while you draw closer to D, you can feel more unequivocal in your joy for them.

Meanwhile, I am attempting to cure myself of my attraction to The Unsuitable Man by internet dating. I've had several dates with The Software Engineer, but he hasn't attempted to kiss me since the first, so I think we are firmly in the friend zone.

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Weird and sweary.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Mad Cat, I was under the impression that my now-husband and I were in the friendzone for the first 7 weeks of our relationship, during which we went out together twice weekly, and met for coffee as well (same university campus, so easy to meet for coffee).

Happily, one if his flatmates asked him if we were dating, he said yes, and his flatmate passed this useful piece of information onto me.

I had been hoping we would move towards being boyfriend / girlfriend so was delighted to find out that I had been his girlfriend for several weeks without realising.

That was almost thirty years ago. 27th wedding anniversary coming up.

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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564

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quote:
Originally posted by Zoey:

* What proportion of people in A's position would be able to be thoroughly, unequivocally happy for B and C with no tinge of regret or sadness or anything about past events and hurts?

Probably not many. And no, I don't think it means you secretly want to get back together with B.
quote:

* Is D going to be upset or think it reflects badly on our emerging relationship that I've been kind-of upset about B and C getting engaged?

Is D going to be upset? Yes, maybe, and that's also entirely normal. Just as you can have sad thoughts about B getting engaged, so can D have sad thoughts about you having sad thoughts...

Will D think it reflects badly? Not if he's rational. Having the emotional response is OK. Thinking that an emotional response is the same as rational thought is an error.

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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Mad Cat

I am no expert, but I suspect that you really should ask him outright what his intentions are. From my experience of working in an area where lots of people are software developer types, then demonstrating affection especially if initially rebuffed is not something they are confident in doing.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Walking 18 miles to help Refugees get an education.

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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104

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Thanks for the tips folks!

Yeah, I should ask him what he thinks, as he's keen enough to keep in touch quite regularly. A nice chap..... maybe not as nice as The Unsuitable Man, but then, he's unsuitable. [Roll Eyes]

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Weird and sweary.

Posts: 1841 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
Carex
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# 9643

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quote:
Originally posted by Jengie jon:


...From my experience of working in an area where lots of people are software developer types, then demonstrating affection especially if initially rebuffed is not something they are confident in doing.


Being that sort of man myself, I strongly agree with this. Some men need more encouragement and/or more obvious indications of your interest than others.

That doesn't mean that a direct question is always the best approach - it can be too much of a shock if it doesn't also come with some indication of how you feel about him to give him some sense of context. (Otherwise he may worry too much about giving the "right" answer that won't offend you.)

For those who aren't quite read to ask direct questions, you can try inviting him over for dinner, then having him hold the stool for you as you hang some mistletoe in a convenient spot "in case someone wants to snog me". A true software engineer would, of course, insist on verification that it works properly...

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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104

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Happy New Year, love birds! May our romantic hope prosper in 2016 [Big Grin]

So I saw The Software Engineer just before Christmas. The moment didn't come up to ask 'The Question', and I reckoned we could do that as well after Christmas as right before it. He's still keeping in touch, but less frequently than before. In the interests of not stringing him along, I think we need to have another coffee soon....

Meanwhile, I am still thinking of The Unsuitable Man, who on reflection may in fact be for me, The Suitable Man. The men I've loved before have been rather cut from the same cloth as he is. Those relationships ended because they turned into long-distance relationships, not because of incompatibility, and they were good relationships - we were on the same page.

Everyone I've talked to who knows The Unsuitable Man warned me to be careful. However, I think there comes a time when you have to follow your heart, and someone who looks like the wrong man for most people, is actually the right man for me, maybe??

I had a good chat to my lovely friend A last night and updated her on the situation (which she's been following with great interest!) She agreed that it's hard to really move on if you harbour a strong hope for someone.

Basically, our paths need to cross, so we can have a chat, catch up, and I can see if he still has any interest. We live in the same city, but our social circles have only a little overlap, so I might not run into him until next August, if even then.... I can't make a meeting happen. I need to be patient and see if it will, and have faith in God that if it's meant to be that it will happen.

I am EXCEPTIONALLY BAD at being patient. I'm terrible for trying to 'do' when I should just let be. This is still my Advent lesson - to wait, to let God do His thing.....

In the meantime, I am praying for this Suitable/Unsuitable Man, because it helps me to pray for myself. He needs healing and so do I. We both need love, and are both rather clumsy about our search for it.

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Weird and sweary.

Posts: 1841 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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[Votive] for any finding today tough.
Posts: 3675 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by Paul.:
[Votive] for any finding today tough.

Or if a laugh would help...

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

Posts: 9337 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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quote:
Originally posted by Paul.:
[Votive] for any finding today tough.

Extremely. I have to wait another 24 hours until the chocolates go on sale!

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Ha! I have a $15 See's card with February 15th written all over it.(metaphorically)

Today I am driving down the coast, and pouring one out for the late Bev Bos.

I am still loath to date, but for the last two months or so I have bern oppressively libidinous. No joke, it's getting really distracting. I feel like a fifteen year old boy. Is this a perimenopause thing?

Anyway, it makes v- day somewhat frustrating. Chocolate is a stand in.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

Posts: 35051 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Japes

Shipmate
# 5358

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This appealed to my sense of humour ...

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Blog may or may not be of any interest.

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Doone
Shipmate
# 18470

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[Two face]
Posts: 2196 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2015  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
...I feel like a fifteen year old boy...

Are they readily available where you live?

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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[Killing me]

I'm reminded of an exchange in Chelmsford 123 where the Britons are sneaking up under cover of darkness to the Romans' villa:

Mungo: I feel like a wolf.

Blag (the resident thicko): Yeah, I'm a bit peckish too.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19398 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
basso

Ship’s Crypt Keeper
# 4228

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I admire the loving support we give to shipmates at times like these...
Posts: 4342 | From: Bay Area, Calif | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by basso:
I admire the loving support we give to shipmates at times like these...

But often laughter is the best support.

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

Posts: 9337 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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Well, Sunday was Valentine's Day.

The earth certainly moved for the people of Christchurch...

Huia [Biased]

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10022 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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I studiously avoided church yesterday as there was a wedding incorporated into the service. What made it all the worse was that I kept being asked to sign a card for the couple, yet I have no idea who they are. It didn't particularly help when I pointed this out a couple of weeks ago and instead of being suitable pointed in their direction I was flatly contradicted and told "Of course you know who they are!" [brick wall]

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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3665 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Is this a perimenopause thing?

Sounds to me like a day with a 'y' in it.

I've never been particularly bothered by being a single person on Valentines Day, anymore than being a woman on Father's Day. Right up until receiving chocolate from my Mum. There's nothing to hammer home your lack of partner quite as much as having to settle for a galaxy bar from your Mother.

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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka

Posts: 1822 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Mmmmmmm ... Galaxy chocolate ... **sigh**

One of the things missed by this expat piglet. [Frown]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19398 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by basso:
I admire the loving support we give to shipmates at times like these...

But often laughter is the best support.
As long as it's inclusive. Sorry to be a buzz kill, but as a teacher I am gonna be squeamish about jokes associating me with underage boys.

I have this mental limit- I started teaching at age 18, in 1987. If someone's birth date suggests to me I might have diapered them had I known them at that time, I can't do it. So, like 1985 or so is cutting it close.

Thanks for understanding, Arachnid. [Big Grin]

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by basso:
I admire the loving support we give to shipmates at times like these...

But often laughter is the best support.
As long as it's inclusive. Sorry to be a buzz kill, but as a teacher I am gonna be squeamish about jokes associating me with underage boys.

I have this mental limit- I started teaching at age 18, in 1987. If someone's birth date suggests to me I might have diapered them had I known them at that time, I can't do it. So, like 1985 or so is cutting it close.

Thanks for understanding, Arachnid. [Big Grin]

You're very welcome [Biased]

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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka

Posts: 1822 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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No one's proposed to me yet. [Waterworks]

13.5 hours to go before the window closes for another 4 years. [Roll Eyes]

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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3665 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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Fly west! It'll give you a couple of extra hours [Smile]

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9462 | From: UK / Africa / Brazil | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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I dunno. America has forfeited the right to call itself a civilised country, Canada is very expensive and for the rest, I don't speak Spanish or Portuguese.

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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3665 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Canada's not that expensive: the last time I looked, you could get about two of our $ for every £.

Anyway, you've got four years when you can propose to her. [Big Grin]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 19398 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
I dunno. America has forfeited the right to call itself a civilised country, Canada is very expensive and for the rest, I don't speak Spanish or Portuguese.

Sipech, please don't make blanket contentious comments in All Saints, it can have a very bad effect on my blood pressure, amongst other effects!

WW - AS Host.

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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quote:
LeRoc: Fly west!
quote:
Sipech: I dunno.
I met a nice girl on a plane once [Axe murder]

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9462 | From: UK / Africa / Brazil | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Didn't Hannibal Lector use planes? [Ultra confused]

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 7765 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Mili

Shipmate
# 3254

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Hi all. I'm single, but happily so - though would definitely be happy in a relationship with the right person - so don't usually post here. However I recently ran into a man I had met once before at a friend's house, at a Christian social event. We got on well and I had the feeling he was keen on me and sure enough he asked if we could catch up for coffee.

The problem was I added him on Facebook before the date and found out he has some very right wing views. He doesn't post anything hateful himself, but 'likes' quite a lot of posts about Muslims that I found very offensive. Eg. a picture of a weapon that fires multiple bullets with a caption that it would be great to use against Muslims. He also liked a post with a cartoon picture of a 'gay' viking which another poster said represented what Swedish men had become now they had let 'Muslims invade' Sweden.

I'm really quite left wing and know lots of Muslims, including a girl I tutor. I also support gay rights and have a younger brother who is gay and who was in a relationship until recently (some conservative Christians don't mind gay people who are celibate, but balk at them having a relationship). So at this point I decided things would certainly never work out between myself and this man!

However I decided to go on the date out of politeness and to be able to tell my friends I gave the guy a chance. I was hoping it might not eventuate as he had seen my FB photo which showed my support for gay marriage and my posts on helping refugees and not judging all African migrants or Muslims for the crimes of a minority of people from those backgrounds.

However we did end up catching up for coffee. I was really nice, but managed to talk lots about my left wing views in the context of general conversation given that I do volunteer work with refugee kids, including Muslims. I even talked about the difference between free speech and hate speech when he said it was good that people could say what they like online now because with so many people saying it they can't be arrested!

He then wanted to go for a bush walk nearby, which I agreed to since I knew there would be a lot of people around (just in case he was a murdering psychopath who wanted to bury me in a shallow bush grave [Smile] ). After that I obviously hadn't put him off with my left wing views as he wanted to go for a drive! But I said no thanks to that. Later however I tentatively agreed to catch up for a movie, saying I was pretty busy the next couple of weeks though, then got into my house and wondered what I did that for! My bleeding liberal heart got the better of me.

On the drive home we somehow got to discussing the US election. I know he would vote right wing if he was a US citizen, but at least he did say it would be a worry if Trump was president and had access to nuclear weapons. The last straw for me in deciding I needed to cancel that second date was when I saw on FB he had replied to a post on who would be the best US President and VP with Trump and Carson! By now I'm wondering how I managed to date a man with these political views.

I wrote him a message explaining quite bluntly that things would never work out between us because of our opposing political views. I even put in a screed about how hate speech leads to hate acts and discrimination thinking that would end this all for sure. I also reiterated my support for gay marriage. He replied saying he understood and I was a 'sweet girl who was very easy on the eyes'. However we then got into a deeper conversation about our views and he wanted my views on hellfire! My views on the afterlife are also liberal though I don't really think we can know for sure what happens when we die. This will definitely put this guy off, I thought.

But no, he keeps contacting me and I think maybe is still hopeful of a relationship, even though I was blunt about not being interested in one. There are plenty of single right wing Christian women he could date. How do I politely end things? I may end up running into him again so don't want to just ignore him. Nor do I want to have endless online conversations that give him hope I will change my mind.

I don't often have men falling head over heels in love with me, but in the past when they have they take a while to get over it. I give up hope straight away when I realise someone I have a crush on is not interested, especially if they have straight out told me so. I don't really understand this persistence on the part of men who pursue me when I have given no encouragement. [Frown] Any advice welcome!

Posts: 1002 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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There are some famous matches between political opposites -- James Carville and Mary Matalin somehow make it work. If you find it impossible to contemplate however I would continue politely declining invitations.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5432 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688

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Mili, I think you are falling into the trap of thinking you have to give this guy a *reason* for not wanting to date him any more. You don't. There is nothing rude about saying "Sorry, but I don't think this is going to work out for me. Thank you for the date, but I don't want to go on any more."

If he keeps on pestering you, he's the one being rude, not you. At this point, you say "I've already told you I don't want to date you any more. Please don't insist." Again, no reasons. You don't want to pursue this, you don't owe the guy anything, and that's the end of it. If he still won't leave you alone, you are perfectly entitled to block him on social media and stop answering his calls (if you want to, that is).

The reason for going on a date is to see if you think it's worth taking things further. You've decided it isn't, and that's your right. You've only been on ONE date. That doesn't commit you IMO.

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Rent my holiday home in the South of France

Posts: 3576 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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He seems needy and clingy. Drop him.

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9462 | From: UK / Africa / Brazil | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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quote:
Originally posted by Mili:
The problem was I added him on Facebook before the date and found out he has some very right wing views. He doesn't post anything hateful himself, but 'likes' quite a lot of posts about Muslims that I found very offensive. Eg. a picture of a weapon that fires multiple bullets with a caption that it would be great to use against Muslims. He also liked a post with a cartoon picture of a 'gay' viking which another poster said represented what Swedish men had become now they had let 'Muslims invade' Sweden.

Erm, just to say that this is not right wing, that's extremist. You can be right wing without wanting to kill anybody.

It may be all talk with your guy and that in real life he'd never actually want to pick up a gun against Muslims, but endorsing that kind of thing is a danger signal to other personal qualities that aren't great for relationships. I suggest you play it cool to indifferent. Don't initiate contact; if there is any on his part, keep it to a minimum with increasing delays in between and fade it out, then quietly drop him after a while. You're not obliged to answer messages promptly, or even at all. Don't give him an opening: close it down or deflect it each time.

In a way it's actually a good thing you added him on Facebook before the date and saw what he was endorsing, otherwise you might still be in for an unpleasant surprise.

Posts: 25440 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
...If you find it impossible to contemplate however I would continue politely declining invitations.

Sometimes it gets to the point where declining politely stops working and a quick but rather less polite response may be called for.

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Mili

Shipmate
# 3254

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Thanks for all the advice. It makes me feel it is ok not to answer his messages, given I have been clear I am not interested in a relationship. I know I didn't have to give reasons why, but as I may run into him again socially I thought it might be less awkward in the long run to give a reason. Plus I was hoping he would lose interest if he realised how left-wing I was. I will try just fading out the contact and maybe sending a blunt reply that I don't want him to contact me any more if he doesn't get the message and keeps contacting me. And block him on FB and my phone if need be. Also nice to know that I'm not the only one to think his views extreme. He claimed to have Muslim friends, but I don't think they are his friends on Facebook if that is so, as they would see the nasty, hate-filled posts about Muslims that he 'likes'.
Posts: 1002 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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Hmmm...after a pretty horrible week at work (mostly exacerbated by colleagues), I was bit down and at a loose end on Friday evening. I ended up signing up for an online dating site. First time ever.

Thought it was quite merciful that there were no faces there that I recognised. Though I noted on one of the first profiles I looked at was an update from "a friend" with a link to some recent news stories that the person had just been imprisoned for three years for fraud. [Eek!]

Three day trial ends today. In spite of a couple of reasonable conversations, I don't think I'll be paying for a 6 month subscription. Back to my little hermit hovel.

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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3665 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged



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