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Originally posted by leo:
My point is that some have celibacy thrust upon them by the views of others. if it limits them, then it isn't a genuine call for them.

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Posted                       

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Originally posted by Mad Cat:
I like that solo dance image Lucia. Maybe next time I'm asked I'll just say: "I'm a soloist."

When you're a soloist, you can use the space around you differently. And balance needs to be centred differently.

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Me too - throughout my life I have always been a soloist at heart, in general. I suppose I just wonder if those in paired dances are having more fun, but then that can be put in with me wishing I had an inside leg measurement of more than 27"

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

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Originally posted by ken:

quote:

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Originally posted by leo:
My point is that some have celibacy thrust upon them by the views of others. if it limits them, then it isn't a genuine call for them.

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Exactly. LIke, for a start, any divorced person who is a sincere Roman Catholic. There must be millions of them. And many more have celibacy thrust upon them by circumstance. Or rather singleness, not celibacy, because celibacy is surely only celibacy if chosen, or at any rate if accepted. When merely endured it probably doens;t count as celibacy. And certainly not if somoen is desperately hoping for their situation to change.

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Ariston: I've heard "solos" used for single people before; to my ears, it sounds like a twee little euphemism used to make yourself sound hip, with it, and not single.

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Ít's kind of funny: the Dutch word for 'single' is vrijgezel. In the last decade, the Dutch media introduced a twee little euphemism used to make yourself sound hip, with it, and not vrijgezel. This word they introduced is 'single'

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

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Originally posted by LeRoc:

quote:

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Ariston: I've heard "solos" used for single people before; to my ears, it sounds like a twee little euphemism used to make yourself sound hip, with it, and not single.

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Ít's kind of funny: the Dutch word for 'single' is vrijgezel. In the last decade, the Dutch media introduced a twee little euphemism used to make yourself sound hip, with it, and not vrijgezel. This word they introduced is 'single'

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Originally posted by Jonah the Whale:
Hah! This is very true. "Single" sounds very hip to my ears. I've been listening to too much Dutch. What's in a word, eh?

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One can not listen to "too much Dutch". It simply isn't possible.

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

Posted                         

quote:

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Originally posted by LeRoc:
the Dutch word for 'single' is vrijgezel. In the last decade, the Dutch media introduced a twee little euphemism used to make yourself sound hip, with it, and not vrijgezel. This word they introduced is 'single'

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Doublethink: To me that just makes me think vajazzle ...

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Another word I had to look up. I'm learning more and more on the Ship

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

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Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
there will always be the timeless allure of thousands of cats.

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One of the advantages of the single state. Mr Nen doesn't like cats.

Nen - frustrated feline admirer.

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
I've come to two realizations about a longterm relationship for me:

1) I really, really would like to try my hand at one again.
2) It is seriously gonna be difficult.

There's hope in that, but also...well, there will always be the timeless allure of thousands of cats.

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Originally posted by Mad Cat:
I'll be wearing purple and drinking them all under the table.

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Originally posted by Mad Cat:

I'm mesmerised by the thought of a thousand cats.... one of my fears is to be one of the invisible old ladies, but somehow I don't think that will happen. I'll be wearing purple and drinking them all under the table.

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Posted                       

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Originally posted by Mad Cat:
I'm mesmerised by the thought of a thousand cats.... one of my fears is to be one of the invisible old ladies.

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I made a bargain with a friend years ago: if we were single when we reached our mid 70s we'd move in together and spend all our time calling young handymen to come fix our plumbing.
She's got a boyfriend since then , but he's an easy-going guy; he won't mind.

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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka

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Originally posted by daisydaisy:
she asked the mother to identify which of her friends had a son who might be the right sort of age. Then she got the matchee to ask her friends to do the same with their friends.

... when I suggested doing this in my own network of singles the only response that I got was "well who have you got for me?"

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Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
Marrieds commonly abandon their single friends the day they marry, but now they effectively marry a few years before the official wedding and have long since left behind any singles they once knew.

More intriguing, when I ask people "How many friends do you have, real friends, people you can be honest with and when things go badly wrong you can count on each other to help" the answer is usually "one," rarely "two." Maybe we aren't introducing people to each other because we don't know people to introduce? Or maybe we're afraid if we introduce good friend Julie to Sam, and they hit it off, we'll lose Julie as a friend because she and Sam will abandon their single friends, and the "one real friend" will become "none"?

What really interests me, when I say "lets all get together and bring our one good friend and we'll all get to make more friends" the answer is "no."

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Originally posted by malik3000:
<snip>
So at this point in my life i find myself wondering if it can be ascribed to my failure to grow up, and if i should be open to a relationship, and if so, how. On the other hand overall i am happy in so many ways, and still do have a few wonderful friends, mostly unattached as i.

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You sound like you've built a lovely life for yourself Malik, one that a partner would be lucky to share.

I know what you mean about feeling that you haven't grown up. I've had the impression from some coupled or married people that my state, unencumbered as it is by children or partner, indicates a lack of maturity or seriousness. It makes me furious. When I think of what I've faced and dealt with without the support of a partner..... and faced it down and got on with making my life..... f***ing come over here and call me immature

Having said that, I still know how to play, and as a soloist, I have the chance to. I think the duets envy this and call it immature. I don't see it as immature. I see it as contributing to various social and cultural ..... 'things'.

And if my consolation for not having a family at home is being able to choose not to go straight home after a concert, and anyone begrudges me that, they can f*** right off.

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Weird and sweary.

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Originally posted by Drifting Star:
There is no question that married people with children do not in any way make up the happiest group of people.

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I think I often imagine that I'd be happier if I was married with children. Certainly, that's the path I hoped I might take. It's good to be reminded that happiness doesn't come from either being partnered or single. I guess happiness comes from trying every day to love God and do His will, and love other people and love yourself.

Thanks Drifting Star


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Weird and sweary.

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Originally posted by daisydaisy:
I have girly nights out with two special friends who are each married with children, and I am always reminded of how that isn't necessarily the best state to be in, and they usually remark wistfully on what I am able to do as a solo.

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Posted                       

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Originally posted by Belle Ringer:

quote:

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Originally posted by daisydaisy:
I have girly nights out with two special friends who are each married with children, and I am always reminded of how that isn't necessarily the best state to be in, and they usually remark wistfully on what I am able to do as a solo.

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Marriage with or without kids has it problems. So does aloneness.

Most of what marrieds think I can do solo they do too, and with someone to share the planning, the cost, and the pleasure of the activity. A lot of the "you are so lucky you are single" is them comparing a life of adult responsibilities with their memories of life as a carefree young adult, and thinking the young adult life is the single adult life. It's not.

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Originally posted by Sola gratia:
On a less me-centric note, I was wondering if anyone else has noticed (amongst Christians, YMMV, of course) this tendency for date avoidance amongst people these days?

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Posted                       

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Originally posted by ken:
...People got to know each other in group situations, not one-to-one "dates".

As for Christians behaving differently from others, I have no idea. If any courtship goes on in our church its probably in a language I don't speak.

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Posted                      

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Sola gratia: By which I mean we oh-so-casually start seeing each other a lot socially but never venturing to admit that the thought of romantic interest in one another might have even crossed our minds...and end up dancing round the subject indefinitely.

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Posted                          

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Originally posted by LeRoc:


I'm sorry, but when I'm reading some of the posts on this thread, sometimes it makes me want to shout: don't over-think it too much. Have fun! Nobody will want to do this dance with you if you don't have fun doing it.

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Posted                      

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Originally posted by LeRoc:
I mean, giving small hints, teasing eachother, circling around eachother like boxers... isn't this part of the fun?

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Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Sola gratia:
On a less me-centric note, I was wondering if anyone else has noticed (amongst Christians, YMMV, of course) this tendency for date avoidance amongst people these days?

I wonder if it is because my generation (I am mid-twenties) are scared to even go on Dates/Ask People Out as that seems big and scary and official, so we just sort of dance around having very ambiguous non-committal friend-dates. By which I mean we oh-so-casually start seeing each other a lot socially but never venturing to admit that the thought of romantic interest in one another might have even crossed our minds...and end up dancing round the subject indefinitely. I feel this happens quite a bit among my friends, a sort of pre-dating almost. I wonder if we feel so embarrassed about admitting interest in each other and the usual raised eyebrows of the Nudge-nudge brigade in church should we be any less circumspect.

Does that strike a chord with anyone?

A for all my single siblings (and those who wish they were?). Stay strong.

SG

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Posted                      

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Originally posted by Sola gratia:

He is lovely and kind and very, very funny, and though I hadn’t thought about it at all while we were housemates, I think I probably would be interested in seeing him in a more serious capacity were he also interested. But I am hopeless at reading signals and I’m not sure if his interest is anything more than occasional companionship. Help!

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I'd try and pick a fairly light moment when there's time to talk more if you need to and say something like, "Can I ask you something? I'm hopeless at reading signals and I'm just a bit unsure of expectations in our relationship. I really like you and our times together but I don't know if you're wanting anything more than companionship?"

Nen - longterm married but enjoying this thread.

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by LeRoc:
But... this dance could be fun too!

I mean, giving small hints, teasing eachother, circling around eachother like boxers... isn't this part of the fun?

I'm sorry, but when I'm reading some of the posts on this thread, sometimes it makes me want to shout: don't over-think it too much. Have fun! Nobody will want to do this dance with you if you don't have fun doing it.

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Posted                      

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Nenya: I'd try and pick a fairly light moment when there's time to talk more if you need to and say something like, "Can I ask you something? I'm hopeless at reading signals and I'm just a bit unsure of expectations in our relationship. I really like you and our times together but I don't know if you're wanting anything more than companionship?"

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Do you mind if I try an alternative take on this?

If I were Sola gratia, what I'd do is something like this. I'd try to get into a relaxed conversation with my friend (like the ones you're already having). During this conversation, I'd try to steer it gently into a little more personal territory. Then when the mood is right, I would ask with a slightly mischievous smile: "So, what kind of women do you fall for?"

(Of course, there's always a possibility that at this point he will answer "Well, actually I fall for men." If this happens, you just give him the "Why are all the good guys gay?" line, and then you laugh it off together. No harm done.)

Now, if he isn't gay and if he has more than two braincells (you wouldn't be interested in him anyway if he hasn't), he'll answer your question, and then he'll give the same question back to you ("And what about you, Sola gratia?"). Answer this question seriously, without giving too obvious hints.

Now, after you've given your answer, you stay silent. You look half-down with a slightly embarrased smile, like you want to say something to him, but you really don't dare.

The important thing is, not to break this silence, even if it becomes awkward. In fact, you want it to become a bit awkward. Do what you have to (count inwardly if needed) but don't break the silence. He must be the one who breaks the silence.

If he doesn't get the hint after that, he really isn't worth your while

quote:

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infinite_monkey: Does anyone go into relationships without anxieties, though? (...) How do other folks navigate it?

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Posted                      

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Originally posted by Doublethink:
If it is causing you this level of distress and disturbance, I would seriously suggest considering some form of therapy.

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What? But what's being described is entirely normal. Cool, calm, and collected, by some people's standards.

quote:

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Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
Does anyone go into relationships without anxieties, though?

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quote:

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Originally posted by LeRoc:
Now, if he isn't gay and if he has more than two braincells (you wouldn't be interested in him anyway if he hasn't), he'll answer your question, and then he'll give the same question back to you ("And what about you, Sola gratia?"). Answer this question seriously, without giving too obvious hints.

Now, after you've given your answer, you stay silent. You look half-down with a slightly embarrased smile, like you want to say something to him, but you really don't dare.

The important thing is, not to break this silence, even if it becomes awkward. In fact, you want it to become a bit awkward. Do what you have to (count inwardly if needed) but don't break the silence. He must be the one who breaks the silence.

If he doesn't get the hint after that, he really isn't worth your while

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