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» Ship of Fools   » Community discussion   » All Saints   » chasing the Black Dog - a depression support thread (Page 5)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: chasing the Black Dog - a depression support thread
ChastMastr
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# 716

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Up and down, up and down, partly due to my eating and sleeping and getting-stuff-done habits. Currently sort of in the middle, but I haven't had a lot of food yet and ate nasty fast food last night after trip to hospital to make sure Cubby was OK (we think he is).

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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I am such an idiot. I got totally plastered last night. Even though I know it makes things worse not better.

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Matt Black

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# 2210

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Join the club! [Votive]

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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)

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Sandemaniac
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# 12829

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You, me, us, them, him, her, you name 'em, EM, we've all done exactly the same thing in all manner of circumstances, depression included. No-one's going to call you out on it here, we're just smiling wryly about when we did it.

12 days to go...

AG

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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:


12 days to go...


What happens then?

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sandemaniac
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# 12829

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This is released!

AG

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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869

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Erroneous Monk
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quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
This is released!

AG

Oh wow. There actually IS something to look forward to. [Big Grin]

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sandemaniac
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# 12829

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EM, I aim to please! [Angel] Ordered mine last night, haven't heard any sessions on Radio 6 yet though.

AG

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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869

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Mad Cat
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# 9104

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BRILLIANT! That's put a smile on my face.

I marvel at the wonder of modern technology, allowing access to wonderous music to anyone and everyone. I remember excitment in the library in my Scottish village home in 1986, having ordered a Half Man Half Biscuit LP. The librarian told me: "I've got that biscuit record you ordered." with a look that blended pity with bemusement. Tee hee!

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Weird and sweary.

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Sandemaniac
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# 12829

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I might start a Heaven thread for HMHB etc, as it looks like such a hit here...

AG

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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869

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Roseofsharon
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# 9657

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I've just been diagnosed as having chronic depression.
It came as no surprise, as I've been crying at the drop of a hat for the past four months.
Lets see if tablets help.

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Talk about books -any books- on our rejuvenatedforum http://www.bookgrouponline.com/index.php?

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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((Roseofsharon))

[Votive]

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
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# 716

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HUGS [Votive]

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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Last night and this morning were so bad. I felt pointless, hopeless and ultimately damned. Might be coming out of it a bit now.

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
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# 11803

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EM, you are absolutely not pointless, hopeless or damned - proved by the fact that you sent Roseofsharon a virtual hug. People who do that are not any of those things.

Virtual hugs and actual prayers for all on here.

[Votive] [Smile]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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ChastMastr
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quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:


Virtual hugs and actual prayers for all on here.

[Votive] [Smile]

Ditto from me. [Axe murder] [Votive]

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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I feel like there's a small child crying somewhere inside me.

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
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More hugs to all who want them [Axe murder] [Votive]

I could use them too. Both recent news, my struggle to keep the apartment looking good (or less of a sty), and today's recent money issue have me feeling very down. Lack of sleep not helping.

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Huia
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# 3473

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Erroneous Monk [Votive]

I have had a similar feeling in the past and I found it was helpful (but not easy) to treat myself as that needy child. So I tried to be self soothing with things that gave me comfort (initially hot bubble baths, wrapping my body in blankets, then, as I felt stronger, eating healthy foods and walking). I was lucky to have some good professional help as well as a couple of people who listened.

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Huia
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# 3473

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Chast, I cross posted with you. I hope you can get the sleep and hugs you need. [Axe murder]

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Roseofsharon
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Thanks for the hugs.
Latest news? It would seem that my thyroid is going crazy.
Now waiting to see an endocrinologist

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Talk about books -any books- on our rejuvenatedforum http://www.bookgrouponline.com/index.php?

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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Out of the depths I cry to you, o Lord. Lord hear my voice.

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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[Votive]

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Patdys
Iron Wannabe
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Indeed. [Votive]

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Marathon run. Next Dream. Australian this time.

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Erroneous Monk
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Thank you for prayers. I'm up and at it again.

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Angel Wrestler
Ship's Hipster
# 13673

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Second-guessing myself, feeling insecure, like a failure. Why do I act so weird and feel like such a loser? The harder I try, the weirder I get.

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The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
(unknown)

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fullgospel
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# 18233

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[Votive]

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on the one hand - self doubt
on the other, the universe that looks through your eyes - your eyes

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Nicodemia
WYSIWYG
# 4756

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Thought I'd post on here, in the hopes of a hug or two. Depression sort of mid-level, won't shift, can't pray, do I believe in a God at all? Over-the-top evangelical fundies at Home Group don't help. But nice people, so keep going, otherwise I'd never go out at all.

Just old, I suppose, and things don't work as they used to, including joints and legs. [Frown]

A hug would be nice.

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Ferijen
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# 4719

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A gentle hug for Nicomedia. You might not get out much, but your presence on this online community is valued and welcomed.


[Votive]

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Mili

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I don't know if this is the right place to post as I don't really have depression as such, but I do I think have some level of social anxiety/generalised anxiety (mostly doesn't affect me too much so I've never had an official diagnosis).

However when things go wrong with other people - either friends and family going through bad stuff or my own relationships with others shifting, or being let down by friends I do get overly down.

Then I get even more down with myself for being 'oversensitive' and making relationships worse by getting socially awkward. And not necessarily really awkward, just enough to be more quiet than usual and withhold my inner self from others. Then I blame myself for any problems and make myself feel worse rather than getting angry or confronting others. This just makes the lowness worse.

Recently my bible study broke up with a sudden meeting due to one couple leaving because they moved away and more significantly a break up of another couple who were engaged and about to be married. It was dealt with badly by the man who was broken up with as he assumed before the meeting that we would all feel the same as him - but then I feel guilty for thinking badly of him given his terrible circumstances.

My housemate, who is also a friend, informed me she applied for her family to immigrate to Australia two years ago (but never told me until now) and they could be here any time and will have to stay at our place because she told immigration she has housing for them, until they can rent a place of their own. I have just agreed because I wouldn't want to leave her family on the street and she just expects it is fine. But I'm really stressed about it and worried her family would be happier back home anyway as they had good jobs, but their qualifications aren't recognised here. I then blame myself in advance for any problems I won't be able to help them with and for even considering not helping them.

On top of that one of the friends I volunteer with broke up with his overseas long-term girlfriend which has caused that friendship group to shift and suddenly I'm on the outer and being excluded from lots of socialising. I have tried talking about it to the girl who organises most of the events, thinking I must have upset her somehow, but she was surprised I would think that and she said she just forgets me sometimes. Which is still upsetting considering we've been friends for a number of years and she never used to forget me. This one I really blame on myself and like others here start feeling like a real loser, particularly because I've been through this before in my life so I feel like I must be the problem. However logically I know lots of people go through this with friendship groups, especially those of us who are quiet introverts, a little socially awkward and also nice and don't like confrontation so avoid letting friends know there is a problem until it is too late and any conversation is just awkward and makes things worse.

Anyway am now teary a lot and sleeping badly and feeling like I can't trust friends. And feeling angry at myself for not pulling myself together and getting over it or dealing with it all like an adult.

Prayers for all of you especially as a lot of you are going through worse than me. Know that I don't judge you for you tears, fears and emotions - I just wish I could cut myself the same slack.

Posts: 1015 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Ferijen:
A gentle hug for Nicomedia. You might not get out much, but your presence on this online community is valued and welcomed.

I couldn't put it better than that, Ferijen. [Overused]

I know I always say something like this to people whose faith is being strained, but if you're within hailing distance of somewhere that does Choral Evensong, it's a wonderful way of making you feel inspired without having to do anything, or even interact with anyone; you can just let the beautiful music and liturgy happen around you.

If you can't get out, Radio 3's Evensong is available on the interweb, and I understand that the Advent carol service from St. John's College, Cambridge yesterday was very good (I haven't listened to it yet, but they're always worth listening to).

Virtual hugs coming your way. [Smile]

{{{Nicodemia}}} and {{{Mili}}}

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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Enormous hugs for Nicodemia and Mili.

How you feel is important to me. I might be just a screen-name, but there is a real person behind it, and I am thinking of each of you and holding you in my heart.

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

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Nicodemia
WYSIWYG
# 4756

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Thank you for the hugs, they make me feel a bit better [Smile] . But I wish I could stop the exceptionally vivid and disturbing dreams every night. I can't seem to forget them like ordinary dreams, they race round my head all day. One or two have been really distressing.

Wish I knew how to get rid of them or preferably not dream at all.

Posts: 4544 | From: not too far from Manchester, UK | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Talk to the docs?

In my experience those kind of dreams are often a side effect of some sort of medicine.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Piglet
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# 11803

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[tangent]

When I gave up smoking I used nicotine patches, and they gave me several very vivid, usually completely unrelated dreams every night. I have to say that they weren't of the horrid variety - they usually followed my usual dream pattern of being (a) surreal, (b) embarrassing or (c) both.

Luckily it never got beyond waking up, thinking "that was an odd one" and going back to sleep, and only lasted as long as I used the patches. It was listed on the packet as a possible side-effect, and I could see why: I was getting the equivalent nicotine hit to having several cigarettes in my sleep. [Eek!]

[/tangent OFF]

LC is right though - if you're taking any medicines you probably ought to ask your doctor if there's anything in them that could have that sort of effect.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Nicodemia
WYSIWYG
# 4756

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No, not medication, what I am on I've been taking for yonks! The dreams only come (in this form) when I am depressed. Which is cause and which effect, who knows? Just wish I didn't have them ALL running round my head all day. Can still hear my cries from the nightmare one. Its very disturbing and upsetting, and makes me detached from what is going on in the here and now.

Maybe a cup of coffee would help?

Thanks anyway for all your concern. Wish I could say I was praying for those who also suffer, but just can't get the words out and anyway where/who is God?

Posts: 4544 | From: not too far from Manchester, UK | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged
Mili

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# 3254

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Thanks all. I feel a lot better today. Generally I do feel worst at night when I'm anxious. I had a stomach upset today (maybe food poisoning as I was fine within an hour) and ridiculous as it is it made me happier afterwards because I am so relieved I have not caught the stomach bug going around at the moment which would have really messed up my week.

I also have vivid and sometimes upsetting dreams. I don't how much I believe it (could be just coincidence) but I have occasionally had dreams that turned out to be 'premonitions'. Mostly these are innocuous and might be about the school or even specific class I will teach the next day (I'm a relief teacher so I don't always know in advance) which is quite useful really. Sometimes I even cover the unknown subject matter I will teach in advance. But on very, very rare occasions bad dreams have come true, which sometimes makes me anxious when I have a bad dream that is also realistic. But as I say it may be all coincidence - I have an overactive imagination!

I find telling someone else who is willing to listen about a bad dream or just analysing the dreams myself and why I am having them helps. Usually they just relate to me dealing with stuff going on in life, so I do tend to have bad dreams when I am stressed out or feeling low.

Maybe you could even try writing your dreams down or keeping a dream journal. Some people can even consciously alter their dreams if they are aware they are dreaming. I managed to do that with falling dreams I used to have, but not other bad dreams unfortunately so I'm not sure how I did it.

Anyway, will continue praying for you Nicodemia. And I'm sure none of us mind that you can't reciprocate at the moment. We know you would if you could.

Posts: 1015 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688

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Mili, I feel your pain. You sound a lot like me, reserved and kinda socially anxious. Whenever anything goes wrong in my vicinity, I automatically assume it must be my fault and get upset and stressed about it. (Example: I booked a flight for someone at work. A few days later, the accounts tell me that they have received an invoice for two tickets instead of one. Instead of coming to the obvious conclusion that the travel agency has right royally screwed up their job, I almost have a nervous breakdown, because this HAS to be because of me. Everything is always because of me. Guess what? The travel agent screwed it up.)

Anyway, it sounds like you have a lot of stressful things all going on at the same time. It’s not your fault. You are a lovely person.

(I don’t know if it would help to find a flesh-and-blood counselling person to talk to and find helpful ways of reducing anxiety? Don’t be ashamed to ask. You deserve to be happy.)

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Rent my holiday home in the South of France

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Mili

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# 3254

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Thanks La Vie en Rouge. It's been a bit tough dealing with volunteering with this group of friends now they have got cliquey and I'm not in the 'in' group.

We're running Christmas parties for kids at the moment which I love to be part of. These friends are nice when I'm with them there, but then M. (who was the one I had the chat to about feeling excluded) discusses plans for events they are going to together in front of, but not to me.

And because we've had that chat which ended with her telling me that now I understood it wasn't personal when I wasn't invited she was glad we never had to discuss it again, I don't feel like I can ask if I'm welcome to come along. Until recently that would be just a given that I was welcome. Now I know I would be directly invited if I was wanted there and M. won't do that. I'm not sure if the others realise I'm not invited or not, but they never ask me along either. I think it's grief over a loss of trust and friendship that is getting to me the most.

I have another friend at volunteer work, C, who was previously quite close to M. and was overseas when the group dynamics shifted. She wants to talk to M. for me, but I have told her not to as it will make things worse. I don't want her to be excluded too, although that may already be happening as she is not invited to some of these 'in-group' events either. I have other friends there too, so it is not all bad.

It feels like being back in high school so please pray I can be an adult in this situation and not get bitter, but be forgiving. That is the hardest because it is hard to forgive when the hurtful behaviour is ongoing and you can't just walk away from it either. Pray I can continue to work well as a team with them all, especially M.

The confusing thing emotionally is that M. is mostly nice to me when I do see her and even gave me a lift to the train station the other night, but I think it is so she can continue to exclude me from the social group without confronting or admitting the fact that she is being unkind.. Maybe I have misjudged her, but that is what it feels like.

Posts: 1015 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
daisydaisy
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# 12167

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I hate December more and more each year. I used to think it was Feb I hate the most, but it's really and truly December. Not only is the light scarce (and when there is sunshine I seem to have to be inside), but this year I'm hating bright lights more than ever before and seeking the comfort of gloom.
Added to that it's my birthday which, as usual, all but a few missed this year (is this just growing up?) and one card from an aunt said happy birthday by the way your uncle died 2 months ago but we decided not to tell you. Everyone is so tied up with Christmas already that I've stopped even suggesting people help me celebrate. What's it like to have a birthday?
Then of course there is Christmas which is hard to celebrate on your own when everyone else is off with family and friends; I avoid any situation where I'm likely to be asked "and what are you doing for Christmas".
Bah humbug - not sure doubling my meds will help this year.

Posts: 3184 | From: southern uk | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged
Paul.
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# 37

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I've had a difficult few days. It probably started off my own fault as I haven't being doing my diet and exercise lately and that does actually help. Then there was a little too much alcohol the other night. Then I missed the service Sunday morning because people.

But then I had a confusing dream about a certain someone who's not really in my life any more and who I miss. The dream itself wasn't bad bad - nothing scary or upsetting happened - but I could've done without those thoughts and emotions being brought up. Then when I was trying to deal with that I had to cope with another friend texting me about her latest suicidal thoughts. She signed off saying she was going to go to bed rather than do anything so she'd "still be around to annoy people" for a while. I took that as a sign that she wasn't immediately going to do anything silly. But then I didn't hear anything for nearly 24 hours. Finally got a text from her daughter saying that mum's phone has run out of credit but she's OK. Got a Facebook message later and she did seem better.

So I was relieved but somehow it's left me feeling panicky and anxious most of the day today.

Tomorrow I'm back at work - day off today - back to routine and normality which feels "safe". My boss always wonders why I seem to hate taking time off.

Sorry to ramble, but it's helpful to write this down.

Posts: 3689 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Silver Swan
Apprentice
# 17957

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What a hard life it is sometimes. I can relate to the situation of being excluded and the petty murkiness of group dynamics, and as for birthdays I can only think of once in the last forty years when I had a birthday cake, so commiserations on birth those fronts.
I mentioned on this thread a couple of times that my adult son has been seriously depressed for over a year and barely came out of his room. Thank God, he has emerged somewhat and is getting some sunlight and exercise and is seeing his old girlfriend again.
[Votive] Prayers for those who are depressed and those who care for them.

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Christ Jesus came to be Immanuel, not a manual.

Posts: 33 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2014  |  IP: Logged
Huia
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# 3473

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[Yipee] SS, good to hear your son's mood has improved.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Mili

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# 3254

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I wish I could send some sunshine the way of those of you having winter a Christmas. I'm feeling a lot better - at least situations like this makes you re-evalute friendships and I'm putting more effort into friendships with people I do trust, which makes the loss of trust with M. and co. a lot easier to take.

It can be hard to find people we really 'click' with and I imagine that must be even harder if you are socially isolated by physical or mental illness keeping you at home a lot. And it's even worse when circumstances change and we lose or become distant from those we once relied on.

Posts: 1015 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291

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Originally posted by Mili:

quote:
...which makes the loss of trust with M. and co. a lot easier to take.

Please note, not me!

At least, I hope - we are in different continents...

M.

Posts: 2303 | From: Lurking in Surrey | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged
Mili

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# 3254

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Well if the hat fits... Just kidding [Smile]
Posts: 1015 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Heavenly Anarchist
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# 13313

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I've been depressed over Christmas and am not sleeping well. I'm bipolar and I always find the holidays difficult, for all sorts of reasons. My bipolar is managed by careful planning and regular routine and the change of routine unsettles me, as does the increase in socialising over the holiday. I work from home and am by myself all day and two weeks of having other people around irritates me. There's also the memory of my father dying at New Year many years ago when I was away on holiday - I last saw him on Boxing Day. Christmas itself isn't a problem but I'll be glad when it's all back to normal next week.

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'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' Douglas Adams
Dog Activity Monitor
My shop

Posts: 2831 | From: Trumpington | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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Dreading work tomorrow

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Heavenly Anarchist
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# 13313

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quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
Dreading work tomorrow

I start again today. I'm lucky in that I work from home and am relieved to get my routine back but I always get very anxious about approaching after a break.

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'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' Douglas Adams
Dog Activity Monitor
My shop

Posts: 2831 | From: Trumpington | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Bishops Finger
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# 5430

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Back to church today (for the daily Office and various admin/pastoral tasks) after 10 days of Black Dog. A nasty bout - the longest for some years - but, thank God, feeling a bit more human (albeit a fragile one!) today.

[Votive] [Votive] [Votive] [Votive] [Votive]

for all who need them......

Ian J.

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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)

Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged



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