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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: How to annouce lay-offs lightheartedly
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
WARNING: bad taste thread ahead!
OK, thanks to the credit-crunch and associated economic slowdown, I've found myself in the very unhappy position of having had to make three of my employees redundant in the last 6 weeks or so, with more lay-offs possibly to follow. It's a horrible thing to have to do and has got me down over the last few weeks, and I need some serious cheering-up (although not as much as the poor women whom I've had to let go, obviously). So I was wondering whether we can come up with any lighthearted ways, either original or from the comedy (or other) archives, to break the bad news at a staff meeting and thus raise my spirits a little today (don't worry, there's absolutely no way I would be insensitive enough to actually use them!)?
My starters for ten:
1. Beyond the Fringe (I think)
Wing-Commander: Perkins, you know how a football team always plays that little bit better when they're a man down?
Perkins: Yes, sir?
Wing-Co: Perkins, we want you to be that man.
2. Ernst Stavro Blofeld (stroking cat): The latest scheme has failed. We do not tolerate failure in this organisation. One of you must pay the price...
3. Hercule Poirot: Per'aps you are wondering why I have gathered you all together?...
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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Random Cathoholic
Shipmate
# 13129
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Posted
(Lenny walks into Mr. Burns' office.)
Mr. Burns: Okay, Leonard, I'm a good sport; if you can explain why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter 'e', then you can keep your job.
Lenny: (Confused) Uh, ok... um, I'm a good work, guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say 'e'!
Mr. Burns: Oh, you will.
(Mr. Burns pushes a button on his desk. A trap door opens up beneath Lenny, causing him to plummet.)
Lenny: Eeeeeeeeeeeee.... (Falls out of hearing range)
(Stolen from here. )
Posts: 598 | Registered: Nov 2007
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glen moranjie
Shipmate
# 7011
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Posted
"All those of you who still have a job here, take one step forwards. Not so fast, X, Y, & Z."
Posts: 159 | From: South London | Registered: May 2004
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
'The company's Family Friendly Policies will be enabling many of you to spend more time with your families.'
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"I can explain it to you, but I cannot comprehend it for you." (late Ed Koch, sometime mayor, New York City)
Posts: 16996 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
As part of our green transport policy, we have been looking at ways of reducing car use amongst our staff. We have found a simple way of doing this, which involves A, B and C not driving to work anymore - or coming in at all.
Or you could take a civil service approach:
People are not being downsized but we are offering colleagues a sugnificant opportunity to enhance their transferable skills by market-testing their services in a meaningful environment (translation - go and find another job)
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"The question should not be 'What would Jesus do?' but rather, more dangerously, 'What would Jesus have me do?'" (Rev'd Peter Gomes) Staying Afloat or Plumbing the Depths?
Posts: 2469 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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Joyeux
Ship's Lady of Laughter
# 3851
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Posted
"Red Rover, red rover, let X, Y, & Z come over. Everyone else, sorry!"
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Float?...Do science too
Posts: 4318 | From: over th... no, there! | Registered: Dec 2002
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the pilgrim
Ship's Brownist
# 13263
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Posted
Ah, Smith, come in.. You've been telling us all for years that you would like to go back to school, if only you had the money and the time. Well, good news, you now have the time!
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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.
Posts: 841 | From: the palm of the mitten | Registered: Dec 2007
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
Just be careful, Matt!
Don't joke - it's heading that way! We've already got a rota up covering reception...
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that the company has decided to make more efficient use of its resources.
The bad news is that it will be doing so without you on its payroll.
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It is true that every new government, coming in because they had upheld a certain thing as necessary to be done, were no sooner come in than they applied their utmost faculties to discovering How not to do it. -- Charles Dickens, Little Dorrit
Posts: 7142 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
This one is famous.
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8079 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) Thanks for brightening my day!
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
How about the one which the representative of our local council used last week to a crowded venue full of all the Island's middle school teachers:
"If you wonder why I am smiling like this, it isn't because of the decision the council made last night to do away with middle schools altogether and move to a two-tier system, it's because Wales won the Grand Slam."
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
[ 25. March 2008, 16:10: Message edited by: Smudgie ]
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 13414 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Smudgie:
How about the one which the representative of our local council used last week to a crowded venue full of all the Island's middle school teachers:
"If you wonder why I am smiling like this, it isn't because of the decision the council made last night to do away with middle schools altogether and move to a two-tier system, it's because Wales won the Grand Slam."
Presumably because Wales doesn't have middle schools and so IoW is moving to a Welsh primary/secondary system in order to imitate our success on the rugby field? ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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"The question should not be 'What would Jesus do?' but rather, more dangerously, 'What would Jesus have me do?'" (Rev'd Peter Gomes) Staying Afloat or Plumbing the Depths?
Posts: 2469 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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Dave the Bass
Shipmate
# 155
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Posted
In Monty Python's Merchant Banker sketch, the banker (after dismissing the charity worker who comes up with the brilliant idea of going up to people in the street and asking them for money) has to decide which of the bank's two pantomime horses to dismiss. He does this by making them fight to the death - which would also save on redundancy payments (although you'd have to check the compnay pension scheme doesn't include death in service payments).
Posts: 2162 | From: In a forest | Registered: May 2001
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
Is that the Slater-Nazi one?
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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Dave the Bass
Shipmate
# 155
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Posted
Yes, I think so. The sketch was later performed at a charity event, with Sir Bob Geldof as the guy collecting for charity.
Posts: 2162 | From: In a forest | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Dave the Bass:
In Monty Python's Merchant Banker sketch, the banker (after dismissing the charity worker who comes up with the brilliant idea of going up to people in the street and asking them for money) has to decide which of the bank's two pantomime horses to dismiss...
I loved the part where banker says (paraphrased) "You may think firing one of you is harsh, but in fact our auditors questioned the necessity of our having any pantomime horses at all."
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8079 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
David Brent in The Office took the good news/bad news approach:
"The bad news is that there won't be jobs for everyone at Swindon. The good news is - I'm being promoted!"
You have my sympathies Matt. My dad (and HR professional) said making people redundant was the second worst thing he had to do in his job. He never got used to it, even during the 1980's.
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As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord
Posts: 1601 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
Fry and Laurie came up with this slant when it comes to firing the head of personnel.
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How could it have been a big bang if there was nobody to hear it?
Posts: 2108 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
Who remembers the episode of Cheers when Norm was hired as the corporate hit man to fire any downsized employees? At first he took his task so hard, he'd take the poor chump out to a ball game, lunch trying to cushion the blow. He'd end up crying and feeling so bad about it the guy losing his job would end up comforting him.
After awhile the rest of the employees figured out what it meant when Norm called and asked you to lunch, Norm started to get more callous and having a harder time working up any emotion about letting people go. Then he feels bad about that, and responds by calling HIS boss (the one who hired him to let all these people go). All Norm has to say is,
"Hi. It's me, Norm.... BWAHAHAHA!!!!"
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“Be not afraid does not mean we cannot have fear… the words say we do not need to be the fear we have… We have places of fear inside of us, but we have other places—with names like trust & hope & faith” -P. Palmer
Posts: 5721 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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churchgeek
Have candles, will pray
# 5557
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Rogue:
Fry and Laurie came up with this slant when it comes to firing the head of personnel.
I was thinking the same thing! You've saved me the trouble of coming up with the link.
There was another Simpsons scene - in the one that ends up like Apocalypse Now - where Mr. Burns moves all the jobs overseas but has to keep one union employee... I'm not remembering it very well, just that it ends up being Homer, of course.
Anyway, Matt, I feel for you. I've been on the receiving end of that transaction, and it wasn't fun, but I was OK. My prayers are with you, your company, those who are losing their jobs, and those who are left behind to manage without their coworkers. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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I reserve the right to change my mind.
(For Doctor Who fans)
And...new blog, on poetry, God, and Detroit (in no particular order)
Posts: 6973 | From: Detroit, but currently in San Francisco Bay Area | Registered: Feb 2004
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HenryT
Canadian Anglican
# 3722
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Posted
At IBM
"This paycheque intentionally left blank."
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"Perhaps an invincible attachment to the dearest rights of man may, in these refined, enlightened days, be deemed old-fashioned" P. Henry, 1788
Posts: 7214 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2002
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churchgeek
Have candles, will pray
# 5557
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Posted
Just saw a "Family Guy" re-run - the episode "Brian Goes Back to College" - that made me think of this thread.
Brian gets hired at the New Yorker only to be fired when they find out he dropped out of college (so he goes back as the title says).
As they do on that show, they cut to a vignette of a "could be worse" scenario: an executioner at the guillotine says something like, "Louis, the people of France want to thank you for your years of ruling France, but, you know, it's not going well, and, you know, we've decided to go in another direction." Whoosh! and the head drops in the basket, blood all over the guillotine (it's just a cartoon, of course).
I looked around online for a transcript of the episode so I could get the quote right, but couldn't find it. Oh well, it was something like that.
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I reserve the right to change my mind.
(For Doctor Who fans)
And...new blog, on poetry, God, and Detroit (in no particular order)
Posts: 6973 | From: Detroit, but currently in San Francisco Bay Area | Registered: Feb 2004
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Eleanor Jane
Shipmate
# 13102
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Posted
Other fictional role models could be Donald Trump (I'm sure he doesn't really exist) or Dr House. Both of them just call the group together and yell "you're fired" at someone. They make it look like fun.
Actually, you could go further with the House thing and watch the whole of the latest series where a group of people spent the whole time sucking up to him competing for the two available jobs. That could be kinda fun and you save time on household chores as well (by getting the potential employees to do them).
Seriously tho, for you and your company. Must be a horrid time.
EJ
Posts: 556 | From: Now in the UK! | Registered: Oct 2007
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
Thanks, all. We just have enough to pay everyone this month without having to swing the axe again.
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Can we say Yay! here? OK then: Yay!
There were more than a few prayers for you and your people Matt, and everyone else in the same position. Thank You Lord.
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"I can explain it to you, but I cannot comprehend it for you." (late Ed Koch, sometime mayor, New York City)
Posts: 16996 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Geneviève
Mother-Hatting Cat Lover
# 9098
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Posted
My current position is very precarious due to budget issues. I know two things: 1)I might be let go and 2) that I am valued very highly for what I do and who I am. thus, while losing my job would be pretty tough, to say the least, #2 helps me a lot. If you can let your employees know this--assuming they are good employees--that may help them. At least that is my experience. I do think it is important that you care.
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"Ineffable" defined: "I cannot and will not be effed with." (Courtesy of CCTooSweet in Running the Books)
Posts: 4336 | From: Eastern US | Registered: Feb 2005
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Joyeux
Ship's Lady of Laughter
# 3851
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Posted
Play musical chairs, and explain that if you lose your seat, you really do lose your seat.
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Float?...Do science too
Posts: 4318 | From: over th... no, there! | Registered: Dec 2002
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
Thanks again. I have made it clear to them that we will of course give them glowing references and naturally are allowing them time off for interviews etc. One of them, bless her!, has even asked if we will re-employ her when things pick up and has promised to let us have her contact details for her new job; of course we've said we would re-employ her.
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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Matt Black
Shipmate
# 2210
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Posted
My sister's just emailed me a load of suggestions:
quote:
Personally, I use the Anne Robinson approach:
You are the weakest employee - Goodbye.
Or break it to them gently: "We are moving your employee records to 404" - From the World Wide Web error message "404 File Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
Explain you are relocating them to the Dept Of Lareger Earnings (DOLE) Office?
How about encouraging them to leave of their own accord instead:
1) Staple mosquito netting over your desk, and every time you leave there swat yourself randomly and make buzzing noises
2) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to the unfortunate co-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.
3) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
4) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or cake in the staffroom.
When people knock on your office door, complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
5) Invent nicknames for everyone, and insist on using them all the time (e.g. "Good idea Spike, have you got that fax Snoopy")
Or learn from this fellow's mistake:
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."
However, if it is a lack of money causing the problem, you could always raise extra cash by being creative:
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: £25'."
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"Protestant and Reformed, according to the Tradition of the ancient Catholic Church" - + John Cosin (1594-1672)
Posts: 13157 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Jan 2002
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