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Source: (consider it) Thread: Making Friends
Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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OK. So, I am a 45-year-old single male and I find myself in a situation where I have only a few friends. I feel sort of disloyal to those very good friends I do have even saying that but it's true.

Put it this way: if I decided that I wanted to go to the pub tonight with a friend, it's not that I couldn't do so, but I'd probably have to take a trip to another city first.

So I find myself thinking that I need to do something about this, and when I think of the received wisdom I know about on this it's about common activities and maybe looking for activities/hobbies that will throw me into the path of other people I could make friends with. Which makes sense, trouble is most of my interests are pretty solitary: reading, writing, watching TV/cinema. I did join a writing class a few years ago but found that a) most people where a lot older than me (evening classes skew towards the retired demographic) and b) there wasn't much opportunity for social interaction (we had the room for a fixed amount of time and maybe because of that everyone just left on time and went straight home).

It was so much easier when I went to church I had an excuse to hang out with people...

Anyway, anyone got any tips for making friends - particular for the middle-aged, shy, single man?

Posts: 3689 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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I've just been suggesting things for my daughter to do because she's now moved away. We did exactly what you suggested, started from what she was interested in and looked for things locally. She's now meeting up with a local walking club most Sundays and there are other activities for her to join in with and she's also going to RPG sessions one evening a week, with a 24 hour session this weekend. (And that was an idea I picked up from Doublethink)

When we looked there were a number of groups on Facebook - book and film clubs, meal clubs, the walking group, although that one she's joined has its own website and the rpg group meets at the games shop.

I'm about to wend my way back into the local archaeology and environmental groups.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Volunteer for some kind of service that involves people interaction. If you're with even slightly normal people they will value you as the scarce resource you are, so you're automatically ahead in the "we like you" stakes.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Dude, If I lived in your neighborhood, I would totally turn up for beer night. You seem like really good people.

Rather than giving you the usual advice I am simply going to encourage you to believe that guy exists and take him out for a walk.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333

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Does your area have Meetup groups?

Check here

I've really found them helpful.

--------------------
His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.

--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com

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Dormouse

Glis glis – Ship's rodent
# 5954

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Those MeetUp groups look great...If I ever move back to the UK, I hope I'll remember they exist!

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What are you doing for Lent?
40 days, 40 reflections, 40 acts of generosity. Join the #40acts challenge for #Lent and let's start a movement. www.40acts.org.uk

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sabine
Shipmate
# 3861

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quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:

I did join a writing class a few years ago but found that a) most people where a lot older than me (evening classes skew towards the retired demographic) and b) there wasn't much opportunity for social interaction (we had the room for a fixed amount of time and maybe because of that everyone just left on time and went straight home).

I hope you won't assume that a person who isn't in your age group wouldn't be a good hanging out buddy. One of my best friends and I have a 20-year age difference, and we have a lot of fun. Our personalities and senses of hummor click even if our music memories are different.

Scheduled group activities tend to attract joiners, and they may not realize the pleasures of a more casual get together. Perhaps you might be the person to suggest something. I used to belong to a writing group with members who went out for drinks quite frequently, but that habit didn't start until someone actually suggested it.

Good luck. And as Kelley said: assume the person is out there. . .

sabine

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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano

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lilBuddha
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# 14333

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What Kelly said. Also what sabine said about age. My friends range from teenage to 80's. Not acquaintances, friends.

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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quote:
Originally posted by sabine:
I hope you won't assume that a person who isn't in your age group wouldn't be a good hanging out buddy. One of my best friends and I have a 20-year age difference, and we have a lot of fun. Our personalities and senses of hummor click even if our music memories are different.

Honestly, I was still in my 30s when I joined that class and I probably was less open to the idea of someone 25+ years older than me being a friend. As I get older that's less important. In my defence I think that it wasn't so much age as shared experiences and things in common.

Actually I find the whole concept of adopting new activities to find friends slightly frustrating because I would feel like I was joining under false pretences. I'm part of an informal gaming group that meets every couple of months or so, but to be honest, I'm really not that into gaming except in a casual way and I always feel a bit of a fraud. The obvious answer it to find something I really am interested in but I have a hard time thinking of what that could be.

Anyway thanks for the ideas so far, they are helpful.

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SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967

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Late Paul

Of course, I don't know your issues with the church/Christianity, but churches ARE good places for making friends. I feel a bit lost now that my old church has closed and I don't see the same people week after week. I can see some of them at any number of local churches, or other events, but it's not the same.

If you're bookish you could start your own writing/reading group in a local pub. It wouldn't cost anything because the pub would be happy to get your custom! I was once part of a graduate support group that met quite happily that way. I also started a reading club in an academic environment, but I think it would probably work better in a more informal setting.

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Eleanor Jane
Shipmate
# 13102

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Let me third the Meetup suggestion!

My husband and I moved to the UK from New Zealand and we've found a great Meetup group who play board games in a pub once a month and do other stuff. We've also looked into joining a 20s and 30s walking group (seeing as we're in that age range).

I considered a book group but they always seem to read 'worthy' books. I love reading and do heaps of it, but I read genre fiction, not classics, Booker Prize winners etc.

Good luck and keep trying! It takes a long while to make friends and probably involves some false starts.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I just checked out the meetup site myself, and immediately found a Spanish practice group about 15 miles away. Cool!

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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quote:
Originally posted by SvitlanaV2:
If you're bookish you could start your own writing/reading group in a local pub. It wouldn't cost anything because the pub would be happy to get your custom!

I have a question about the logistics of a "pub" gathering. I don't live in a place with pub culture -- seems most USA restaurants and bars usually have music blaring which makes any kind of meeting difficult.

Occasionally one can find a restaurant with a separate room or a tea house with an outdoor sitting area. But the question is -- how do you get people to order enough food/drink so the place is "happy to get your custom"? Local restaurant owners have told me they charge the director of a group $200 to reserve the separate room (applied against food/drinks actually bought), because they've been stiffed too often by groups of 30 who want a place to meet but order nothing but water and an occasional coke.

I tried having a jazz jam but my rooms are small, people WILL NOT say ahead of time if they are coming, I'd invite 6 hoping at least one wouldn't come so we could fit but I really needed a list of 20 to invite to make sure there would be at least 4, but that takes a room big enough for 15 in case they all show up. Where can one do that sort of thing? The churches are charging $300 to $500 for renting their "fellowship hall" for a day.

What ideas have people come up with for a place to gather that is quiet enough for a meeting, glad to put up with the noise of a meeting, glad to have people stay several hours instead of turning over the tables to new customers, and inexpensive enough for the host to absorb the costs if no one shows? How does one convince those attending to spend enough money so the establishment will be glad to see them again?

I suppose I'm ranting, I'm frustrated, so many ideas of things to do with others, nowhere to meet to do them.

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SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967

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Belle Ringer

Ah. Well, there's still a pub culture in the UK, just about. Some pubs have turned into noisy 'trendy bars', but in suburban areas and on the fringes of the city there are quiet pubs to be found. If your group isn't too big, and meets on a weekday evening for 2ish hours, then there's probably plenty of space.

The fact is, pubs like this need the custom. Lots of British pubs have closed in recent years. The one where my graduate support group used to meet in the late 90s-00s is now closed. Also, British drinking culture usually requires drinking several beers on an evening out, so there isn't the problem of people sitting down for ages without buying any drinks. I was on soft drinks, which got difficult because Coke, fizzy water and orange juice don't really lend themselves to being drunk one after the other! But it's manageable. And it's only once a week.

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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176

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quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
I have a question about the logistics of a "pub" gathering. I don't live in a place with pub culture -- seems most USA restaurants and bars usually have music blaring which makes any kind of meeting difficult.

It think it depends on the bar or pub. We have a group of guys who meet a couple of times a week to play chess in the late afternoons, usually a slow time for us anyway. Even though most of the players are "serious" and don't drink anything but cokes when they are playing, I'm still happy to have them because the extra vehicles in the parking lot give my place more appeal to the casual passer-by. A smaller locally-owned place is most likely going to be more open to letting groups gather there during slower times than a chain.

As for the whole issue of making friends, I spent most of my life, until the past few years, living a fairly solitary existance. I had acquaintances, but no real friends. In part, this was because I'm fairly shy, and in part it was because I really didn't have particularly good social skills. I mean, I'm not uncivilized, I just wasn't very good at the small chit-chat you have to do at the begining of any relationship before it blooms into full fledged friendship. I made a conscious effort to practice talking to people. Now, I'm a bar baby, so I did my practicing at my favorite local hang-outs (the beer helped with the shyness too [Biased] ) Today, you would never guess that I still consider myself shy and stand-offish. It may seem a little like fraud to you, but I found that pretending to be an outgoing, friendly sort of person helped me actually become an outgoing friendly person. FWIW

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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by sabine:

Good luck. And as Kelley said: assume the person is out there. . .

sabine

I just wanted to clarify: the "him" I meant in my comment was Late Paul. As I said, every interaction I have had with him indicated to me that he's good people; what I meant is that when he goes out to meet folk, a good person is what they will meet. If that makes sense.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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I got that Kelly. And thank you.
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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
...I found that pretending to be an outgoing, friendly sort of person helped me actually become an outgoing friendly person. FWIW

I would second that from my own experience - I am naturally shy but [sometimes] manage to act as if I'm not. It works.

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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See, I am painfully shy, and when I try to act like I am not, I invariably overdo it. Think Ruth Buzzi.

I tend to be watchful and cautious with new people because nerves make my mouth do crazy things.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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This is the problem private members clubs were supposed to solve. There are still some working mens clubs about, and social clubs tied to various activities. Point being, it is somewhere you can hang out, read have a quiet drink etc, where the same set of people are pretty much the same set of people are going to be there. So you you get to know them through repeated low intensity contact.

Then there are friendly societies like the Oddfellows and Servas. Ihave no direct experience of using them though.

[ 23. August 2012, 06:46: Message edited by: Doublethink ]

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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geroff
Shipmate
# 3882

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Shipmeets.
About ten years ago we realised that we weren't making new friends at all, even though we did have a church that was very friendly. And so we went to some Shipmeets - (OK they are probably easier if you are a couple - at least you have one person you recognise). Our first one was in about 2003 at Cadbury's World. Also at Greenbelt, Colorado Meet in 2005, Kew Gardens, Leicester curry night, Paris, Rome, etc. Most of the people we have met have been friendly and we have made some very good friends.

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"The first principle in science is to invent something nice to look at and then decide what it can do." Rowland Emett 1906-1990

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Sometimes I think the term Odd Fellows is tailor made for Shipmates!

I have only attended Shipmeets this year, three of them in three weeks and all very friendly and pleasant - lovely people the shippies I met, every one of them. And I was granted a special audience with Smudgie which was also delightful, but don't tell her I said that.

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
Shipmeets.

On this: About ten years ago myself, I noticed that all of the California meets were happening at the south end of the State. read: 500+ miles away from me. So I posted a holler in As entitled 'What is up with NoCal?" to find out if there were any shipmates in my area. A couple people responded, we began planning a meet, and I used the search function in the Ship's directory to track down more people from the area and send them a sort of "check out the meet thread!" form letter. More people responded, and thus was born our first meet.

And that social anxiety I described? Didn't feel it at all around the Shipmates. I guess I had a sense that they had already gotten to know me.

Oh,and Wod-- I totally agree about Smudgie. She's such a good spirit, simply sitting in her living room is a blessing.

[ 23. August 2012, 21:00: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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Checks out Late Paul's blog

It looks like you are the kind of person who would like Dave Gorman ?

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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Chelley

Ship's Old Boot
# 11322

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This is a bit of an aside, but your question just reminded me of it... Have just got back from a camping holiday and OH told me that when he was walking back from the loo block he was behind a dad and son (about 5 years old) and heard the boy ask his dad, "Daddy, how do you make friends?" I thought that was lovely, and asked OH what the answer had been. It was apparently along the lines of doing things you enjoy with other people who enjoy them and getting to know them.
What touched me was just the conversation itself between father and son!

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"I love old things, they make me feel sad."
"What's good about sad?"
"It's happy for deep people!"

Sally Sparrow to Kathy - Doctor Who

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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Checks out Late Paul's blog

It looks like you are the kind of person who would like Dave Gorman ?

I enjoyed his TV show about finding people with the same name a while back but I haven't kept up with his career. I saw he had a podcast a while back and considered subscribing (but didn't).

Why what were you thinking?

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sabine
Shipmate
# 3861

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quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:

quote:
Originally posted by sabine:

I hope you won't assume that a person who isn't in your age group wouldn't be a good hanging out buddy. One of my best friends and I have a 20-year age difference, and we have a lot of fun. Our personalities and senses of hummor click even if our music memories are different.

Honestly, I was still in my 30s when I joined that class and I probably was less open to the idea of someone 25+ years older than me being a friend. As I get older that's less important. In my defence I think that it wasn't so much age as shared experiences and things in common.
I think shared experience is important, as well. However....I have a set of shared experiences with a lot of people I can't stand to be around.

I try to look for the person whose personality and sense of interpreting the world is similar to mine. Then we have the fun of telling each other about the non-shared experiences we've had--and it helps us to understand the differences as well as build a set of new shared experiences.

Here's a piece of advice that I often hated to hear, but then it worked. . .if you put too much effort into looking, you may come off as desperate. Relax into what you have, be your own best friend, and see what happens.

(I know, sounds a bit self-helpy, but people are attracted to those who seem self-confident.)

Good luck. I hope this isn't an issue for you 6 months from now. [Smile]

sabine

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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano

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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:
OK. So, I am a 45-year-old single male and I find myself in a situation where I have only a few friends. I feel sort of disloyal to those very good friends I do have even saying that but it's true.

Put it this way: if I decided that I wanted to go to the pub tonight with a friend, it's not that I couldn't do so, but I'd probably have to take a trip to another city first.

So I find myself thinking that I need to do something about this...

This may be an odd question but why do you think you need to do something about this?

Are you lonely? Do you often want to go out to a pub with a friend?

Or is it not how you think your life should be, according to some ideal image?

--------------------
"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

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Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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quote:
Originally posted by JoannaP:
This may be an odd question but why do you think you need to do something about this?

Are you lonely?

Yes, very lonely if I'm honest.

quote:
Do you often want to go out to a pub with a friend?

More often than I'm actually able to.

quote:

Or is it not how you think your life should be, according to some ideal image?

Who knows what is ideal. Do you think what I'm after is so unrealistic that I need to adjust my expectations?
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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quote:
Originally posted by JoannaP:
This may be an odd question but why do you think you need to do something about this?

Um, I'm guessing the alternative would probably be staying in every night with the TV, books or the internet for company instead of having the option of going out occasionally for a drink and a chat with someone locally, face to face instead of over the phone, or travelling miles for it?

Of course, you can go out for a drink on your own. There's nothing to stop you. But it is nice to have the option of meeting up for a glass of something with someone reasonably local now and again. (Like Paul I too would have to travel long distances to do it, it would have to be pre-arranged in advance and probably involve accommodation booked overnight.)

Sounds perfectly natural to me. It can be difficult to get to know people locally if you don't meet them through work (or don't work locally), aren't part of a couple and don't have kids.

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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:
Who knows what is ideal. Do you think what I'm after is so unrealistic that I need to adjust my expectations?

Oh no, not at all. It just seemed odd to me that it was assumed that having few friends was a bad thing. As a loner, who works in a large, sociable office, I am quite happy to spend most evenings on my own with books or the internet. But I am well aware that I am weird [Biased]

If you are lonely then you must do something about it - I believe it has now been proven that that loneliness is bad for your health - but I know that "alone" and "lonely" are not synonyms and wanted to make sure that you were not confusing the two. (Apologies if that sounds patronising.)

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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Checks out Late Paul's blog

It looks like you are the kind of person who would like Dave Gorman ?

I enjoyed his TV show about finding people with the same name a while back but I haven't kept up with his career. I saw he had a podcast a while back and considered subscribing (but didn't).

Why what were you thinking?

That sort of thing can be a useful filter for the kind of people you are likely to get on with - useful for online matching services (whether for friends or romantically) helps if they are marmite topics.

Comedy is good because most people prioritise similar sense of humour.

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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Keren-Happuch

Ship's Eyeshadow
# 9818

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Partly inspired by this thread, I've been looking in to the idea of joining a community choir. There are a couple round here with no auditions, just singing for fun...

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Travesty, treachery, betrayal!
EXCESS - The Art of Treason
Nea Fox

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Earwig

Pincered Beastie
# 12057

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I can third (or fourth?) the suggestion of meetup. I'm a member of a BookCrossing meetup group - we drink beer, swap books, drink beer and talk about books. And drink beer. We get lots of people joining us through meetup, many of whom stick around and become long term members of the group.
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basso

Ship’s Crypt Keeper
# 4228

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quote:
Originally posted by Keren-Happuch:
Partly inspired by this thread, I've been looking in to the idea of joining a community choir. There are a couple round here with no auditions, just singing for fun...

This is a really excellent idea. You'll be around lots of people and able to meet them at your own speed. You'll already have something in common with them and something to talk about.

I met my wife in a community choir.

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Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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quote:
Originally posted by basso:
quote:
Originally posted by Keren-Happuch:
Partly inspired by this thread, I've been looking in to the idea of joining a community choir. There are a couple round here with no auditions, just singing for fun...

This is a really excellent idea. You'll be around lots of people and able to meet them at your own speed. You'll already have something in common with them and something to talk about.

I met my wife in a community choir.

I third this suggestion.
In Rock Choir I have found many like minded and lovely people. Singing is good for you in other ways too.

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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688

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Paul, I don't think you need to feel like a fraud going to clubs/reading groups etc as a way of meeting new people. I think you're underestimating how many of the other participants are there for precisely the same reason [Biased]

ISTM that providing a place where people can make new friends is precisely one of the reasons why that sort of activities exist. Thinking of the main activity of this type that I do (playing in an orchestra) I certainly wouldn't think less of anyone who told me they'd joined because they wanted to meet new people.

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Rent my holiday home in the South of France

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