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Source: (consider it) Thread: What is your favourite adult clean joke?
Sir Kevin
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# 3492

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Here's mine:


The local Guinness representative walked into his favorite pub only to find two men from rival companies at the bar and about to order. “I’ll have the King of Beers. Make it a light one!” said the Budweiser man. “I’ll have a PBR! “ droned the Pabst salesman. Finally the man from Guinness said, “Make mine an orange juice. Straight up!”

The other two guys said to him, quizzically and in unison, “Aren’t you having any beer?” The Irishman replied, “ Well since you two aren’t having beer, I figured I wouldn’t either!”

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Stetson
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# 9597

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[mildly risque subject matter, but not really dirty)

An elderly nun is teaching a class of girls at a convent school. She asks one of the girls what she wants to be when she grows up. "A prostitute" comes the reply.

The nun faints and is carried to the infirmary. After she revives, she asks for the girl to be brought in so that she may question her again.

"Wh-wh-what did you say you wanted to be?"

"A prostitute."

"Oh, thank heavens! I thought you said a protestant!"

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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[Killing me] [Overused] [Killing me]

(not even remotely offended, and I'm devout RC!)

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Karl: Liberal Backslider
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# 76

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Adult Clean joke is a null set.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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A meat pie went into a pub.

The bartender said, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

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Kitten
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# 1179

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Descartes walked into a bar and the bartender asked him "would you like a drink?".

Descartes said "I think not" and vanished.

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Maius intra qua extra

Never accept a ride from a stranger, unless they are in a big blue box

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Sioni Sais
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# 5713

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Not so much a joke, but a rag week prank at an agricultural college. Some students took hold of three pigs and painted numbers "1", "2" and "4" on them thn letting them loose in town. The authorities caught pigs 1, 2 and 4 soon enough but wasted two days looking for pig #3.

[ 23. January 2013, 20:22: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

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Latchkey Kid
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# 12444

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I sent this to a friend in a recruitment agency.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.

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'You must never give way for an answer. An answer is always the stretch of road that's behind you. Only a question can point the way forward.'
Mika; in Hello? Is Anybody There?, Jostein Gaardner

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Heavenly Anarchist
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# 13313

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quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Not so much a joke, but a rag week prank at an agricultural college. Some students took hold of three pigs and painted numbers "1", "2" and "4" on them thn letting them loose in town. The authorities caught pigs 1, 2 and 4 soon enough but wasted two days looking for pig #3.

[Killing me]

--------------------
'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' Douglas Adams
Dog Activity Monitor
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Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub. The barman looked at them and said "Is this a joke?"

[ 23. January 2013, 22:16: Message edited by: Spike ]

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

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Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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A horse went into a pub. The barman said to him "why the long face?"

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

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Adam.

Like as the
# 4991

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A bear went in to a pub and said, "I'll have a


whisky, please." The barman said, "Sure, but why the big pause?"

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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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An airplane was clearly about to crash. Suddenly a conservatively dressed woman passenger, a woman of business, stood up and shouted, "Is there any man here who can make me feel like a real woman just once before I die?"

"I can!" a man dressed in a business suit replied. He then stood up and took off his jacket and tie. Next, he ripped off his shirt and threw it at the woman.

"Iron this!" he calmly said.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Latchkey Kid
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# 12444

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The steward asked a woman how she liked her coffee.
"I like my coffee like I like my men.", she replied, "Strong and sweet!"
"Of course", responded the steward, "But black or white?"

This old joke has aged and comes from a time of my first visit to the US when the airline steward asked if you had coffee 'with, or without cream'.

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'You must never give way for an answer. An answer is always the stretch of road that's behind you. Only a question can point the way forward.'
Mika; in Hello? Is Anybody There?, Jostein Gaardner

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Paul.
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# 37

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A couple retire to a small town in the country. The man joins a men's social club that has a monthly dinner with a speaker. Everyone takes it in turn to book the speaker but the rule is if your speaker doesn't turn up you have to speak instead.

So it's the newcomer's turn and he gets an old friend to speak, but at the last minute the friend has to back out due to illness. So the man gets up to speak and since it's off the cuff he speaks about the first thing that comes to his mind, namely sex. He's very entertaining and funny and a good time is had by all.

He gets home and his wife asks him about what happened and he tells her he'd had to speak. She asks him what he spoke about. A little embarrassed to admit the truth he says, "sailing".

The next day his wife is out in the town and she meets a couple of blokes who were at the dinner. They both enthuse about how good a speaker her husband was, especially, they say with a smile, on his chosen topic.

The woman looks quizzical and says, "That's odd because he's only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

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Kaplan Corday
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# 16119

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quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
A horse went into a pub. The barman said to him "why the long face?"

Ad the horse said to the smartarse barman, "I've just been diagnosed with cancer".
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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An old married couple and a widower were sitting around the rest home chatting. "Oh, I can't remember anything anymore," said the widower. "My memory has failed so."

"Well," the elderly husband said, "you should take the memory improvement course that a lady is offering down at the senior citizen center. We took it and it's done wonders for us."

"I'll look into that," said the widower. "What's the name of the lady who teaches it?"

"I'll tell you her name," the elderly husband said, "but first I want to ask you a question. What's the name of the flower that's red and has thorns?"

The widower replied, "That's a rose."

"Yes, that's right, a rose," the husband said. Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what's the name of that lady down at the senior center?"

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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[Projectile] Miss Amanda... that's a groaner.

Today's joke:

A nonagenarian was sitting on a park bench crying uncontrollably and a teenage boy and his girlfriend sat down next to him. He asked the old man what was wrong and the old gentleman replied, "I have a gorgeous wife. She is 29 years old, we make love everyday, she's a gourmet cook and an excellent housekeeper." The boy says, "That sounds like you have a perfect life, sir." His girlfriend says, " Could you tell us why you're crying so much?" The older gentleman sobs, " I can't remember where I live!"

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Nenya
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# 16427

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quote:
Originally posted by Late Paul:
A couple retire to a small town in the country. The man joins a men's social club that has a monthly dinner with a speaker. Everyone takes it in turn to book the speaker but the rule is if your speaker doesn't turn up you have to speak instead.

So it's the newcomer's turn and he gets an old friend to speak, but at the last minute the friend has to back out due to illness. So the man gets up to speak and since it's off the cuff he speaks about the first thing that comes to his mind, namely sex. He's very entertaining and funny and a good time is had by all.

He gets home and his wife asks him about what happened and he tells her he'd had to speak. She asks him what he spoke about. A little embarrassed to admit the truth he says, "sailing".

The next day his wife is out in the town and she meets a couple of blokes who were at the dinner. They both enthuse about how good a speaker her husband was, especially, they say with a smile, on his chosen topic.

The woman looks quizzical and says, "That's odd because he's only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

I shared this one with Mr Nen this morning and we both had a really good laugh, thank you. [Big Grin]

Nen - another joke added to the not-very-large repertoire.

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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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[Killing me]

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Enoch
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# 14322

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Did you hear about the lighthouse keeper?

He ran upstairs so fast that he screwed himself into the roof.

---------------------------------------------------------

Another nice one which I had heard before and was reminded of in a programme recently about the late Bob Monkhouse.

"They all laughed when I said I wanted to become a comedian.

[pause]

They're not laughing now".

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

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St. Stephen the Stoned
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# 9841

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A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he stealthily makes his way across the room, he hears a voice in the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar stops, but, hearing nothing more, continues edging across the room.

"Jesus is watching you," says the mysterious voice.

The burglar stops again. By now he's worked out that the voice is coming from the corner of the room. He moves away from the sound, but once more he hears "Jesus is watching you."

He realises the game is probably up, but decides to play for time.

"Who are you?" he asks.

"I'm a parrot," says the voice, "and my name is Ermintrude."

"That's a funny name for a parrot," says the burglar.

"Jesus is a funny name for a Rottweiler," says the parrot, "but he's watching you!"

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Do you want to see Jesus or don't yer? Well shurrup then!

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Albertus
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# 13356

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A termite walks into a pub and says
'Is the bar tender here?'

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My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

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The Rogue
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# 2275

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A skeleton went into a pub and asked for a beer and a mop.

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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Man walks into a bar, accompanied by a giraffe. He orders a pint for himself and 12 pints for the giraffe. The man sips his pint decorously, while the giraffe downs his 12 pints one after another (Note: it's best if you can mimic the giraffe at this point, holding the pint at the end of long stiff arms and tipping it down your throat).

Then the giraffe, very slowly, falls to the ground and lies there. His companion finishes his pint, looks at the giraffe and sighs, then goes to leave. The barman cries out 'Hi! you can't leave that lying there...'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and the man turns round and says
.
.
.
.
.
.
'it's not a lion, it's a giraffe!'

Mrs. S, snickering quietly to herself [Yipee]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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Young Irish criminal gets fed up with people laughing at his accent, so he goes to elocution lessons. He ends up speaking like a hereditary peer straight off a grouse moor. Secure in the knowledge that no-one will guess his origins, he goes into a bank and says in his new posh voice 'Ai have a gun, please be so very good as to place all your money in this bag Ai have here'.

The cashier leans towards him with a thoughtful expression on his face.

'You're Irish, aren't you?'

'How the **** did you guess?'


'You sawed the wrong end off the shotgun!'

Mrs. S, still laughing at that one

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

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Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


[Hot and Hormonal] Sorry.

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The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

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ChaliceGirl
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# 13656

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quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


[Hot and Hormonal] Sorry.

Huh? [Confused]

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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.

"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats

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Heavenly Anarchist
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# 13313

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quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


[Hot and Hormonal] Sorry.

Huh? [Confused]
There is a typo, small should be smell, but you might need to know that a perch is a fish [Smile]

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'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' Douglas Adams
Dog Activity Monitor
My shop

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Dal Segno

al Fine
# 14673

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There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Can you drive this thing?"

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Yet ever and anon a trumpet sounds

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ChaliceGirl
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# 13656

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quote:
Originally posted by Heavenly Anarchist:
quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


[Hot and Hormonal] Sorry.

Huh? [Confused]
There is a typo, small should be smell, but you might need to know that a perch is a fish [Smile]
Ahh, OK, lol [Smile]


A dyslexic walks into a bra....

--------------------
The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.

"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats

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Caissa
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# 16710

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Two men walked into a bar. You would thought the second one would have seen it.
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georgiaboy
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# 11294

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A priest, a rabbi and a protestant minister are fishing from a small boat in the lake.

Suddenly the priest says 'I've brought the wrong line' hops over the side and walks across the water to the shop on the pier.

A bit later the rabbi says 'I need a different style of lure' hops over the side, etc. etc.

About a half hour later the minister says 'I need more sunscreen' hops over the side, and promptly sinks to the bottom.

Watching this, the priest says to the rabbi, 'I suppose we should have told the poor sod where the stumps were.'

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You can't retire from a calling.

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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I know a better version.

An Anglican priest, a Baptist Minister and a Pentecostal pastor are fishing etc.

Suddenly the Pentecostal pastor says 'I need to go to the toilet' hops over the side, walks across the water to the WC on the pier, and walks back.

A bit later the Baptist Minister says 'I need to go too', hops over the side, etc. etc.

About a half hour later the Priest says 'Me too', hops over the side, and promptly sinks to the bottom.

Watching this, the Pentecostal pastor says to the Baptist, 'I suppose we should have told the poor chap where the stepping stones are.'

The Baptist replies, 'What stepping stones?'

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Gill H

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# 68

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Desmond Tutu told a similar joke - the twist being that he walked on the water, but the only thing the newspapers would say was "Tutu can't swim".

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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

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irish_lord99
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# 16250

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A man and his wife had 16 children due to her hearing difficulties. Every night he would ask her, "Do you want to go to sleep, or what?"

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"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." - Mark Twain

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Ann

Curious
# 94

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Three girls are discussing their marriage plans with their father. The first says, "I'm going to marry King Edward!"
"Splendid," says the father, "royalty in the family ..."
The second girl declares that she wants to marry Maris Piper; "A fine old Scottish family." says the pleased father.
The third expresses a preference for Murray Walker. "you can't marry him!" exclaims the father, "he's just a commentator!"

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Ann

Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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A lady had a pet parrot that had acquired a rather off-color vocabulary. She used to bring with her to the corner pub every Saturday night, where it would entertain the regulars while picking up some more choice vocabulary.

One Sunday the lady brought the parrot to church. No sooner had she taken her seat in the choir when the parrot launched into his usual routine.

"Be quiet!" said the lady. "You can't say those things in church!"

"Why the hell not?" the parrot replied. "These are the same damn people who were in the pub last night!"

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119

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A Roman Catholic labourer is one of a gang doing roadworks outside a brothel.

A Protestant minster goes in, and he saya, "Disgusting!".

A rabbi goes in, and he says,"Disgusting!"

A priest goes in, and he says, "How sad! One of the girls must have died".

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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119

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A man's wife is away on a trip, and in the middle of the night a policeman knocks on his door, and shows him a photo.

Policeman: "Is that your wife?"

Man: "Yes".

Policeman: "Looks like she's been in a train accident".

Man: "Yes, but she's got a beautiful nature".

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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119

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quote:
Originally posted by Heavenly Anarchist:
but you might need to know that a perch is a fish [Smile]

Another one based on ichthyological nomenclature concerns the (alleged) Roman custom of punishing adulterers by wedging a fish into a bodily orifice, hence the origin of the expression: "What's a nice plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"
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Timothy the Obscure

Mostly Friendly
# 292

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A painter gets hired to paint a church, by making a very low bid. As he does the job, he realizes that he hasn't bought enough paint, but he knows that if he buys more he won't make a profit, so he thins it out and tries to stretch it over all four walls. As he paints the last wall, with paint so thin that it barely covers anything, a storm comes up. Just as he finishes, the rain hits, washing his work away.

A voice comes out of the thundercloud:

"Repaint, thinner! Repaint, and thin no more!"

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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
  - C. P. Snow

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The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

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quote:
Originally posted by Heavenly Anarchist:
quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


[Hot and Hormonal] Sorry.

Huh? [Confused]
There is a typo, small should be smell, but you might need to know that a perch is a fish [Smile]
A typo! Now, that really is embarrassing. In penance:


Three parrots are in cages stacked on top of each other. Which one owns its cage?

The bottom one. The others are on higher perches.


Maybe I should quite while I'm behind.

[Edit for sense. Can't get anything right!]

[ 25. January 2013, 08:32: Message edited by: The Great Gumby ]

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The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

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iamchristianhearmeroar
Shipmate
# 15483

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Mr Ginsberg is in his 80s and he goes in to see his doctor. He goes in and the doctor says "What's the problem?"

He says "Well, I've been having these silent gas emissions, and I just don't know what to do with it and it's causing a lot of problems and a lot of embarrassment."

And the doctor says, "Well, tell me about it".

And he says, "Well, the other night we were playing bridge, my wife and I were at the Grossmans', and during the course of the night I probably had six or eight of these silent gas emissions. They created a little bit of a noxious odour, but were all silent so there really were no problems. We went home. But then it happened again the other night at dinner, so I decided to come and see you. As a matter of fact I've had eight or ten of these incidents as I sit before you today. What can you do for me, doctor?"

He said, "Well, the first thing I'll do is send you to a hearing specialist."

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My blog: http://alastairnewman.wordpress.com/

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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Two old ladies, Maud and Edith, driving through a city which - as usual - is heavily peppered with traffic lights. Maud goes through one on red, but they get away with it, so Edith just grips the sides of her seat in silent terror.

This happens twice more, and finally she just can't take it.

'Maud' she shrieks, 'for pity's sake stop at the red lights!'

Maud looks across at her in amazement.

'Oh crap' she says, 'am I driving?'

Mrs. S, rapidly approaching Maud status

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
Two old ladies, Maud and Edith, driving through a city <<snip>> 'Oh crap' she says, 'am I driving?'

[TANGENT] Does anyone remember the movie with Nedra Volz and Clara Peller (the "Where's the beef" lady) where one of them is driving and accidentally turns onto an airport runway, and complains about "those damn buses" getting in her way? I can't think of the name of it. [/TANGENT]

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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More like one liners....

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

Can you imagine Oxygen and Magnesium together? OMg!

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

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Dal Segno

al Fine
# 14673

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I have CDO.

It's like OCD except that the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

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Yet ever and anon a trumpet sounds

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Adeodatus
Shipmate
# 4992

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This was told me by a member of one of my congregations, aged 6. But if you're an adult it takes on a kind of Zen quality ...

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

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"What is broken, repair with gold."

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Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

What's black & white and eats like a horse?
A zebra!

What did the big dustbin say to the little dustbin?
Nothing. Dustbins can't talk.

What's green, got six legs and would kill you if it fell on top of you from a tree?
A snooker table.

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged



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