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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: What is your favourite adult clean joke?
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
What's got four legs and flies?
Two pairs of trousers.
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Two oranges are sitting side-by-side on a wall. The first orange says to the other 'Where do you live, then?'. The second orange replies 'I'm not going to tell you - you might come round and steal my washing....'.
Ian J (whose brother is the only other person I know who has laughed spontaneously at this.....)
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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ChaliceGirl
Shipmate
# 13656
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Posted
The hard of hearing woman glared furiously at her doctor who just examined her. Trying to calm her, he repeated himself:
"I said you have acute ANGINA!"
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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.
"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats
Posts: 710 | From: Philadelphia, PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2008
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Gracious rebel
Rainbow warrior
# 3523
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
Two oranges are sitting side-by-side on a wall. The first orange says to the other 'Where do you live, then?'. The second orange replies 'I'm not going to tell you - you might come round and steal my washing....'.
Ian J (whose brother is the only other person I know who has laughed spontaneously at this.....)
Am I being dense? I don't 'get' this one at all. ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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Fancy a break beside the sea in Suffolk? Visit my website
Posts: 4413 | From: Suffolk UK | Registered: Nov 2002
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....
.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....
.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!
Ian J.
Hand tentatively in the air... ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Organ Builder
Shipmate
# 12478
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Posted
You probably have to work with these people to find this funny, but I still find it hilarious:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 deg. latitude and 120 and 124 deg West longitude."
"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."
The man below says, "You must be a contractor."
"Well, yes," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going and you've made a promise that you can't keep but now you expect me to solve your problem; and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
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How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people.--E.F. Benson
Posts: 3337 | From: ...somewhere in between 40 and death... | Registered: Mar 2007
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....
.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!
Ian J.
A second hand in the air.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Garasu
Shipmate
# 17152
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
You probably have to work with these people to find this funny, but I still find it hilarious...
The rest of us just substitute the professionals from our own experience...
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"Could I believe in the doctrine without believing in the deity?". - Modesitt, L. E., Jr., 1943- Imager.
Posts: 889 | From: Surrey Heath (England) | Registered: Jun 2012
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
Two oranges are sitting side-by-side on a wall. The first orange says to the other 'Where do you live, then?'. The second orange replies 'I'm not going to tell you - you might come round and steal my washing....'.
Ian J (whose brother is the only other person I know who has laughed spontaneously at this.....)
Make that three.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Stetson
Shipmate
# 9597
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....
.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!
Ian J.
A second hand in the air.
Jengie
All I can guess is that it's some sorta No Soap Radio thing.
Or maybe that you're expecting the punch-line to have something to do with the oranges being anthropomorphized, but then it's just a banal line about washing.
Posts: 6574 | From: back and forth between bible belts | Registered: Jun 2005
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
What's got four legs and flies?
Two pairs of trousers.
What's got eight legs and flies?
Two dead horses
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
There are 10 types of people in the world -- those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Dafyd
Shipmate
# 5549
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Posted
A man takes a taxi from the airport. The taxi comes to a red traffic light and drives straight through - leaving behind cars swerving, horns hooting and general pandemonium. The passenger loosens his grip on the seat to see the driver carrying on unconcerned. They come to another set of red traffic lights and again the driver goes straight through unconcerned, leaving pandemonium in his wake.
'Excuse me,' says the passenger, 'you do know you've just gone through two red traffic lights?'
'Ah relax,' says the driver, 'my brother does it all the time and he's never come to any harm.'
Just then they come to a green traffic light, and the driver swears and slams on the brakes screeching to a halt, and the traffic piles up behind him.
'Why are you stopped? This light's green,' says the passenger.
'My brother might be coming the other way.'
[ 25. January 2013, 22:24: Message edited by: Dafyd ]
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we remain, thanks to original sin, much in love with talking about, rather than with, one another. Rowan Williams
Posts: 10567 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2004
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
A recently widowed elderly lady was standing next to her late husbands coffin at the Funeral Director's. She looked at his body dressed in his best blue suit and burst into tears.
"This is so sad" she said. "My husband always said he wanted to be buried in a grey suit, but I am just a poor widow and can't afford to buy a new suit".
The funeral director nodded sympathetically, but knew there was very little he could do.
The day before the funeral, the widow returned to the funeral director to say her last goodbye, and was amazed to see her late husband lying in the coffin but dressed in a grey suit.
"This is wonderful" she said to the funeral director. "How did you manage to dress my husband in a grey suit?"
"Well" said the funeral director "just after you left last time, another lady came in. Her husband was dressed in a grey suit, but she said that he had always wanted to be buried in a blue suit. From that moment on, the problem was solved. All I had to do was to swap the heads over"
[ 25. January 2013, 22:35: Message edited by: Spike ]
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Jigsaw
Shipmate
# 11433
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Posted
Why does an elephant paint his toenails?
- So he can hide in a cherry tree.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
- Good disguise, isn't it?
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You are not alone in this.
Posts: 743 | From: Snorbens, UK | Registered: May 2006
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Jay-Emm
Shipmate
# 11411
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
There are 10 types of people in the world -- those who understand binary, and those who don't.
There are 10 types of people in the world -- those who understand binary, those who don't and those who realised this joke was in ternary.
Posts: 1643 | Registered: May 2006
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
I liked the one about the snooker table. As a teenager, I used to live in an adult apartment complex that had eight! I played fairly well back in the day...
Can't think of a good joke for today just now.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Theophania
Shipmate
# 16647
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Posted
Why do communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2011
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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119
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Posted
Call on emergency line: "Help me! There's been a hunting accident and I think my friend's dead".
Operator: "First things first. You have to make certain that he really is dead".
Sound of shot.
"OK, now what?"
Posts: 3355 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Timothy the Obscure
Mostly Friendly
# 292
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Garasu:
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
You probably have to work with these people to find this funny, but I still find it hilarious...
The rest of us just substitute the professionals from our own experience...
The first time I heard it, the guy on the ground was a political scientist.
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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- C. P. Snow
Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
My wife remembered this one:
Two clowns were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Tastes funny, doesn't it?"
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
A lady flying in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She reduces her altitude and spots another lady in a field down below. She lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The lady below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be a technical director," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The lady below says, "You must be in labour."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
(rewritten from a selection in: http://www.jokebuddha.com)
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
A lady flying in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She reduces her altitude and spots another lady in a field down below. She lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The lady below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be a technical director," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The lady below says, "You must be in labour."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
(rewritten from a selection in: http://www.jokebuddha.com)
Sir Kevin, we've already had that one. Also, lifting content from another site, even if 'rewritten' is never something makes Hosts happy.
Firenze
Heaven Host
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119
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Posted
A grass-hopper walked into a bar, and the barman siad, "Hey, they've named a cocktail after you", and the grass-hopper replied,"Really? A cocktail called George?"
Posts: 3355 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Dafyd
Shipmate
# 5549
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
The first time I heard it, the guy on the ground was a political scientist.
I first came across it with an engineer in the balloon and a mathematician on the ground (but without the comeback from the ground).
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we remain, thanks to original sin, much in love with talking about, rather than with, one another. Rowan Williams
Posts: 10567 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2004
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Sorry, F!
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
My wife remembered this one:
erm...Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Tastes funny, doesn't it?"
I was a bit sleepy when I wrote that originally!
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
From my then 10 year old son.
whats dangerous and swings from a tree.
A monkey with a machine gun..
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
Just remembered another one from my son - he thought this was hilarious.
(And it's an orange joke I do understand)
Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill?
Because it had run out of juice..
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Amorya
Ship's tame galoot
# 2652
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Posted
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis. … … … erm, I mean, the ladder!
Posts: 2383 | From: Coventry | Registered: Apr 2002
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amorya:
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis. … … … erm, I mean, the ladder!
There is a wonderful range of these light bulbe ones, incuding a whole raft of church ones.
For starters how many Cof (OR insert denomination of choice) Does is take to change a light bulb
CHANGE who said anything abotu change...
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
An ice-cream seller has been found dead in his van covered in hundreds and thousands .
Police say they are not looking for anyone else in connection with the incident as they believe he may have topped himself.
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Snags
Utterly socially unrealistic
# 15351
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jigsaw:
Why does an elephant paint his toenails?
- So he can hide in a cherry tree.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
- Good disguise, isn't it?
Variation on a theme, not "clean" but probably no worse than some of the others that have snuck in:
Q: Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.
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Vain witterings :-: Vain pretentions :-: The Dog's Blog(locks)
Posts: 1399 | From: just north of That London | Registered: Dec 2009
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New Yorker
Shipmate
# 9898
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Posted
Baby polar bear wanders into the igloo's kitchen as mama polar bear is doing the dishes and says, "Mama, were your parents, granny and grandpa polar bear, really polar bears and not brown bears by chance?" "What a silly question," says mama polar bear, "of course they were polar bears."
Baby polar bear is confused so he wanders down the hall to the den where daddy polar bear is relaxing in his recliner watching football. "Dad," says baby polar bear, "where your parents, grandmother and grandfather polar bear really polar bears and not, just maybe, black bears?" "Don't be stupid, kid," says daddy polar bear, "of course they were polar bears."
Baby polar bear is really confused and turns to find mama polar bear standing behind him. "What's got into you, son? Why all this concern about our family not being polar bears?"
Baby polar bear looks down and a bit ashamed, but then rears up and yells: "I'm freezing!"
Posts: 3193 | From: New York City | Registered: Jul 2005
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St. Stephen the Stoned
Shipmate
# 9841
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Posted
A friend of mine used to tell this joke:
Man walks into a shop.
"A copy of the Morning Telegraph please.
"Sorry, we've sold out."
"OK, I'll have a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich."
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Do you want to see Jesus or don't yer? Well shurrup then!
Posts: 518 | From: Sheffield | Registered: Jul 2005
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
I'm very fond of old Soviet-era jokes, and especially the question-and-answer format known as 'Radio Yerevan' jokes. This is my favourite one of that genre:
Question: "Tell me, Comrade, when Communism is finally achieved and the state withers away, will there still be a need for a police force?"
Answer: "No, Comrade! Under Communism, every citizen will enjoy the right of self-arrest."
[ 26. January 2013, 14:01: Message edited by: Albertus ]
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Yes, I like the one a Czech friend told us:
Husák decides to find out what people really think of him. He goes incognito to a beer hall, and asks a local 'what do you think of the President?'
'Sssshhh! Not here!'
So they go out into the street, and he repeats his question.
'We're under a streetlight! We can be seen.'
So they move to a dark corner. 'Now, tell me what you think of the President'.
'We're too close to buildings. We might be overhead.'
So they tramp until they find a deserted, unlit piece of waste ground, hundreds of yards from any structure. 'OK, nobody can possibly see or hear us. NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THE PRESIDENT!'
'I think he's quite a nice chap, actually.'
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
/not terribly clean alert/
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two - but heaven only knows how they both got in there.
I'll get me coat.......
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amorya:
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb
Only one . . . but it takes a long time, is very expensive, and the lightbulb has to **want** to change.
quote:
How many CofE (OR insert denomination of choice) does is take to change a light bulb?
My grandmother screwed in that light bulb. Don't you **dare** change it!
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it, and one to kick the chair out from under her.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
On the modern Sea of Galilee a profiteering boat owner was charging exorbetant rates for trips across the lake.
In order to drum up interest he was calling out " Come and take a trip on the very same stretch of water across which Jesus walked !"
A passing Australian tourist responded, and came up only to look in horror at the boatman's charges .
He says to the man "Blimey mate . I danno who this Jesus geezer was, but lookin at yor prices I'm nat surpr-ised he decided to walk it.
< Please excuse the terrible Australian accent >
Not crucial to the joke, could have been any nationality.
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
That's a good one, Firenze. I told a similar one at work a little while ago, substituting 'The Vice-Chancellor'* for Husak, and it went down very well!
*Not all shipmates may know that in the UK University sector hating the V-C (the executive head of the University) is a widely-held and time-honoured tradition, almost regardless of the V-C's actual merits. But ours really is a complete four-letter man.
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Organ Builder
Shipmate
# 12478
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it, and one to kick the chair out from under her.
Or, as I heard it:
Six--one to change it, and five to talk behind her back about how much better they could have done it.
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How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people.--E.F. Benson
Posts: 3337 | From: ...somewhere in between 40 and death... | Registered: Mar 2007
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
A hippy era one:-
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb
10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
How many anglo- catholics does it take to change a lightbulb.
Light bulb - what's wrong with candles!!
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Heavenly Anarchist
Shipmate
# 13313
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Posted
How many con-evos does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't say anything in the bible about changing lightbulbs...
How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 2 to catch him when he falls.
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'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' Douglas Adams
Dog Activity Monitor
My shop
Posts: 2831 | From: Trumpington | Registered: Jan 2008
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Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354
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Posted
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's NOT funny!
Posts: 577 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it, and one to kick the chair out from under her.
Or, as I heard it:
Six--one to change it, and five to talk behind her back about how much better they could have done it.
Or:
Two - one to climb the ladder and one to say 'Isn't that a little high for you, dear?'
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
Change a lightbulb
Has it been passed by the building committee?
edited for spelling...
[ 26. January 2013, 17:57: Message edited by: Zacchaeus ]
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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