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» Ship of Fools   »   » Oblivion   » What is your favourite adult clean joke? (Page 3)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: What is your favourite adult clean joke?
St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504

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A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The Barman tells him to "Get Out!. We don't serve string here"
A few minutes later, the string goes into the bar again, and asks for a drink.
The barman says "We don't serve string here, I told you. You're a piece of string aren't you?"
The string says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)

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blackbeard
Ship's Pirate
# 10848

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I was told ...

How many tenors etc.?
Just the one. He hold the bulb up to the socket and the world revolves around him.

Or, oboe players ....?
Only one, but he needs a stock of 100 light bulbs to be sure of having just the right one.

Posts: 823 | From: Hampshire, UK | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
ArachnidinElmet
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# 17346

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quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....

.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!

[Killing me] Erm, I do. I was chuckling for ages after reading this joke. Can I tell you why? No, not even a little.

Hello? Hello? Come back... It's quiet in here. [Help]

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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka

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Horseman Bree
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# 5290

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Not quite a joke, but it IS definitely adult:

quoting from Peter Gzowski's book about the original incarnation of his radio program:

quote:
A statement by the Honourable Paul Martin, Sr.,
Which won the “dumbest real political statement” award in 1973
In a contest sponsored by Peter Gzowski on his program
“This Country in the Morning” on CBC

Speaking when he was a candidate for the leadership of the Liberal Party in 1967:

“I wouldn’t be seeking the leadership of the Liberal Party if I didn’t feel strongly that I could not in all conscience not feel that I was taking objection to the meaning of my public life if I didn’t feel that in the view of the emphasis I place on what is the important question that I have the right, that I would have the right, not to meet it.”

I'm pretty sure you will laugh anyway!

Needless to say, he did not attain his goal. Unfortuinately, his son did reach that office, but apparently he also inherited the speaking style.

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It's Not That Simple

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Bishops Finger
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To those of you who have said they laughed at my orange joke.....

[Overused]

Ian J.

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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)

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Traveller
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# 1943

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Tiger Woods was playing in a tournament in rural Ireland and drove his BMW into the local garage to fill up with fuel. The proprietor came up to man the pump and got chatting, as the Irish do. Tiger got out of the car to continue the conversation and couple of tees fell out of his pocket.

"Well now, what are those things?" asked the proprietor.

"Oh, they're called tees. They are to rest my balls on while I'm driving." replied Tiger.

"Bejasus, don't BMW think of everything!"

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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33

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Adam.

Like as the
# 4991

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quote:
Originally posted by blackbeard:

How many tenors etc.?
Just the one. He hold the bulb up to the socket and the world revolves around him.

No, no, no, you need at least 6: one to change the bulb, and five others to tell you how much better they would have done it, and of course the would... if only it hadn't have been quite so high.

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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog

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Nicolemr
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# 28

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A joke from my profession:

How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know but I can look it up for you.

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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!

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churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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quote:
Originally posted by Snags:
quote:
Originally posted by Jigsaw:
Why does an elephant paint his toenails?
- So he can hide in a cherry tree.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
- Good disguise, isn't it?

Variation on a theme, not "clean" but probably no worse than some of the others that have snuck in:

Q: Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.

[Killing me] Cherry trees in a jungle! That's hilarious!


[Hot and Hormonal] Oh, that wasn't the funny part, was it.


[Biased]

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

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Snags
Utterly socially unrealistic
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[Smile] Well, indeed. On reflection it fails the "adult" criteria too, as it was definitely a school playground joke, so accuracy not a strong requirement.

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Vain witterings :-: Vain pretentions :-: The Dog's Blog(locks)

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churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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quote:
Originally posted by Snags:
[Smile] Well, indeed. On reflection it fails the "adult" criteria too, as it was definitely a school playground joke, so accuracy not a strong requirement.

I liked both versions. Although the cherry tree in the jungle (and a giraffe eating cherries) adds to the general silliness!

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

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Palimpsest
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# 16772

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If we're regenerating lightbulb jokes;

How many physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?

4. One to hold the bulb and 3 to change the plane of reference.

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rolyn
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# 16840

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Traveller . Thanks for that joke . Took me a few minutes to get it, also put a smile on the wife's face.
[Overused]

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Change is the only certainty of existence

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
A hippy era one:-

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb

10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.

[Projectile]

I'm offended - my family has been in California since the country was young!

I am going to stop writing my novel for a bit and wander off to ponder my joke for the day. This time it shan't be plagiarized!

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Sir Kevin
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# 3492

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quote:
Originally posted by Traveller:
Tiger Woods was playing in a tournament in rural Ireland and drove his BMW into the local garage to fill up with fuel. The proprietor came up to man the pump and got chatting, as the Irish do. Tiger got out of the car to continue the conversation and couple of tees fell out of his pocket.

"Well now, what are those things?" asked the proprietor.

"Oh, they're called tees. They are to rest my balls on while I'm driving." replied Tiger.

"Bejasus, don't BMW think of everything!"

[Projectile] I'm glad I didn't get the visual!

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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geroff
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# 3882

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"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

I don't know many jokes, i am afraid. [Hot and Hormonal]

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"The first principle in science is to invent something nice to look at and then decide what it can do." Rowland Emett 1906-1990

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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Here's today's joke. I just made it up. I have been working on my novel for several hours and I am taking a break before attending early Mass. Sorry if it's not as good as earlier submissions!

Q. How many basses does it take to make a key?

A. Only one, but he has to go downstairs to the canal to get a new lock!

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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birdie

fowl
# 2173

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quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

That's my favourite joke. (I'm a simple soul).

Also:

"What do you call a fly with no wings?"

"A walk."

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"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
Captain Jack Sparrow

Posts: 1290 | From: the edge | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
Bishops Finger
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# 5430

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Q. What is it that goes 'zub, zub, zub?'
A. An eeb (i.e. not 'a bee flying backwards....').

*sigh*

I'll get me coat (again).

Ian J.

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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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How many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. I'll just sit here in the dark while youse go out and enjoy yourselves.

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Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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After my "joke of the day" was posted, I went to early Mass - that was over three hours ago. I have been writing my novel and/or reading one about an Englishman in Italy (please see Ship's Book Club in this venue). Please, be honest. Is it rubbish or is it any good? Did you lot like either of the other two which were not based on ballooning? I am enjoying most of your submissions that were not like my late mother's favourite genre. She loved shaggy dog stories such as the ones our good friend Miss Amanda likes to tell..... [Big Grin]

I thank you, one and all, for making this thread a roaring success! I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Bloody hell! How did the joke about the brown stick sneak in? [Frown]

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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geroff
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# 3882

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quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Bloody hell! How did the joke about the brown stick sneak in? [Frown]

It seemed quite relevant for someone who lives in Ambridge.

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"The first principle in science is to invent something nice to look at and then decide what it can do." Rowland Emett 1906-1990

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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[Hot and Hormonal]

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Adeodatus
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# 4992

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quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

I like Milton Jones's joke:

"Today I learned that the Aborigine word for "back" is "boo". Because when you throw an ordinary meringue ..."

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"What is broken, repair with gold."

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Q

In which case, get a blog....

As I pointed out on the NaNoWriMo thread, this is not the place for getting feedback on your compositions.

Firenze
Heaven Host

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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840

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A stranger ,( something of a rogue), walks into a rural golf clubhouse .
A man, who is clearly blind, is sat at the bar fumbling with some change to pay for a drink.

The stranger sits beside the blind man and engages him in conversation . "Play golf do you?" he says.
The blind man replies "Yes I do, when I get the chance . I can only play at certain times of the day if you get what I mean.

The stranger then thinks to himself - 'Oh yeah, mornings and evenings I expect , when no one else is around'.

The blind man continues, "I'll give you a round if you like , we could even put a few pounds on it,."

'Blimey, we can't go wrong here' thinks the stranger . So he say's "How about £25 per hole ?"
"Yes, no problem" came the reply "But as I said I do only play at certain times of the day"
"Absolutely fine by me" says the stranger. "Any time you like, just name it"

Smiling, the blind man replies -- "Tomorrow evening 11.45 pm"

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Change is the only certainty of existence

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Timothy the Obscure

Mostly Friendly
# 292

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A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender draws him a pint and says "That'll be seven dollars... You know, we don't get many kangaroos in here."

The kangaroo says, "With those kind of prices, I'm not surprised."

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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
  - C. P. Snow

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Pants

Emergency underwear
# 999

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Stolen from FB...

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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Many big thank yous to those who sponsored us.

I use £6m of military hardware to find hidden Tupperware in the woods.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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A blind man stumbles into a lesbian bar. "Who wants to hear a dumb blonde joke?" he announces. Immediately the place falls silent.

Finally the bartender says, "Listen, buddy. I'm a 300 pound Sumo wrestler, and I'm a blonde. The lady to your right is a long-distance truck driver, and she's a blonde. The lady to your left is a champion weight lifter, and she's a blonde. Now, do you really want to tell that dumb blonde joke?"

"Not if I have to repeat it three times," the blind man replies.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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Two friends regularly walk their dogs - one has a Rottweiler, and one a chihuahua.

One says 'I could really do with a bite to eat. There's a good restaurant just here.'

'But they don't admit dogs.'

'No problem. Just do as I do.' With that, he puts on some sunglasses and goes into the restaurant.

'I'm sorry sir, but you can't bring your dog in.'

'He's my guide dog.'

'He's a Rottweiler!'

'It's a new thing they're trying out - combination guard dog and guide dog.'

'Oh. OK, in you go.'

So his friend tries the same thing. Puts on dark glasses, goes into the restaurant.

'I'm sorry sir, but you can't bring your dog in.'

'He's my guide dog.'

'But he's a chihuahua.'

'They gave me a chihuahua!'

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
New Yorker
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# 9898

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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

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georgiaboy
Shipmate
# 11294

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Just on the off-chance that there is someone out there who has not heard this one ---

Three deaf ladies on a London bus:

DL#1 says 'Is this Wembley?'
DL#2 says 'No dear, it's Thursday.'
DL#3 says 'So am I, let's go have a drink.'

Ba-da-boom. tschhhhhhhhhhhh!

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You can't retire from a calling.

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Q

In which case, get a blog....

As I pointed out on the NaNoWriMo thread, this is not the place for getting feedback on your compositions.

Firenze
Heaven Host

Right - I'll get me coat! It's just a joke - get over it! I have done.

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Dogwalker
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# 14135

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Did you hear about motorcyclist who fell and lost his whole left side?

He's all right now.

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If God had meant for us to fly, he wouldn't have given us the railways. - Unknown

Posts: 155 | From: Milford, MA, USA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

We always heard this one as "A stupid stick!", said with fake anger. Delivery mattering.
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TomOfTarsus
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# 3053

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Blind golfer(s), as I originally heard it:

A minister, a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer were out for a nice round of golf. But ahead of them were four of the worst golfers they'd ever seen. Seeing their erratic play and stumbling about, they complained to the greenskeeper. But he told them have pity. "These men are blind. They are fire fighters who were blinded while saving our clubhouse last year. In thanks, we let them play whenever they want to for free."

Humbled, the men demurred. "I'll be certain to pray for them specially," said the minister.

"Send them round to my office," said the doctor. "I'll do everything I can to see that their sight is restored!"

"And send them to me as well," said the lawyer. "I'll make sure they are receiving all the benefits to which they are entitled."

They all looked at the engineer, who shrugged and said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

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Kaplan Corday
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# 16119

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quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."


Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!

(Wouldn't be surprised if this came from the original Cowes in UK).

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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119

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Having already made myself unpopular wth kilted Shipmates by referring to them on another thread as Scotch, may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

First, there was the Scotsman who wrote a letter to the editor threatening that if didn't stop printing anti-Scots jokes he would stop borrowing his newspaper.

Then there was the old Scotsman who lay dying.

"Is all my family around me? Is my wife here?"

"Yes dear, I'm here".

"And my son?"

"Yes Father".

"And my daughter?"

"Yes Daddy, we're all here".

"Then if you're all here, why's the light on in the kitchen?"

Hoots, mon....

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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And remember to take wee Donal's glasses aff when he's no looking at anything.

Though the dying Scotsman joke is pretty much the same as the dying Jew. Same setup, same dialogue, but punch line 'If you're all here, who's minding the store?'

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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322

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quote:
Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!

(Wouldn't be surprised if this came from the original Cowes in UK).

It does. The punch line is 'the Isle of Wight Ferry'.

--------------------
Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

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Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Q

In which case, get a blog....

As I pointed out on the NaNoWriMo thread, this is not the place for getting feedback on your compositions.

Firenze
Heaven Host

Right - I'll get me coat! It's just a joke - get over it! I have done.
I hope you're not being rude to a host Sir K ...


Spike
SoF Admin

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

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Snags
Utterly socially unrealistic
# 15351

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Dogwalker's biker joke reminded me of this:

A biker has a dreadful accident: bike's totalled, he's smashed up really badly, and taken to hospital where the medics do all they can.

Eventually he regains consciousness, and the doctor comes to see him straight away.

"What's going on? Where am I? How's my bike?" asks the biker.

"Well, you've been in a horrendous accident, and I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news" says the doctor.

"What's the bad news?"

"Your bike's written off, and your legs were so badly damaged we had to amputate them both at the knee"

At this the bloke bursts into tears. "How the hell can there be good news after that? That's a nightmare!"

"The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your boots"

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Vain witterings :-: Vain pretentions :-: The Dog's Blog(locks)

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geroff
Shipmate
# 3882

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quote:
Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."


Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!


I'm sorry but I don't understand your joke's relation to mine.
I thought it was a comment on the state of being a stick.

--------------------
"The first principle in science is to invent something nice to look at and then decide what it can do." Rowland Emett 1906-1990

Posts: 1172 | From: Montgomeryshire, Wales | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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Surely the connection is the word 'brown'?
[Confused]

....but you knew that, of course......

Ian J.

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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)

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Reuben
Shipmate
# 11361

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Apparently my son knows the funniest joke in the world but he refuses to tell me as I may die from laughing so hard I split my sides.

--------------------
"I got nothing." Barrie Unsworth

Posts: 227 | From: New South Wales | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119

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quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
quote:
Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."


Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!


I'm sorry but I don't understand your joke's relation to mine.
I thought it was a comment on the state of being a stick.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that the island has many trees and is famous for its sticks.
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Shakes head in confusion and clambers back onto the mainland...

There is Tim Vine's famous joke which I think won a prize at the Edinburgh Fringe a couple of years back:

"I've just come back from the holiday of a lifetime. Never again!"

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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322

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quote:
Originally posted by Reuben:
Apparently my son knows the funniest joke in the world but he refuses to tell me as I may die from laughing so hard I split my sides.

I'm surprised he hasn't suggested that you make your will in his favour, so that he can tell it.

--------------------
Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged



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