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Source: (consider it) Thread: What is your favourite adult clean joke?
The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275

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ABV is the current Spurs joke. YMMV.

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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

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Starbug
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# 15917

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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change lightbulb?
None. They have a machine to do that now.

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“Oh the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?” ― The Day of the Doctor

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

Drummer goes into a music shop and browses for a while. Eventually he says: "I'd like the red trumpet and the white accordion". And the shop assistant says: "I'm sorry - I can't sell the fire extinguisher, and the radiator's bolted to the wall."

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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I just heard this one on National Public Radio's "Car Talk":

If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

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Snags
Utterly socially unrealistic
# 15351

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What's the last thing Tickle-me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Test tickles.

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Vain witterings :-: Vain pretentions :-: The Dog's Blog(locks)

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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quote:
Originally posted by The Rogue:
ABV is the current Spurs joke. YMMV.

Hey ! We won today!

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
ArachnidinElmet
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# 17346

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Q. What would you call Ghandi, knowing that he walked many miles on dusty roads without proper shoes, and his time on hunger strike left him weak; he hardly ever brushed his teeth.

A. A super-calloused, fragile mystic vexed with hallitosis.

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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka

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lilBuddha
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# 14333

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A man travels to Africa for a safari. When he disembarks the plane he notices drumming in the background. Curious, he asks the flight attendant. She replies, "Do not worry about the drums, worry when they stop." The next day, in the headed into the bush, he still hears the drums and asks the guide. The guide replies "Pay no attention while the drums play, worry when they stop." And on into the next day when, suddenly, the drums stop and the entire party cringes and huddles together. "What is happening!,"cries the man in panic. With a look of dread, the guide replies. "The drums have stopped. Time for the Bass solo."

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged
The Rogue
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# 2275

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What is the last thing to pass through a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen of a Ferrari?

It's arse.

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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"The backstroke, sir."

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Don't worry. He won't eat much."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Shhhhh! Everybody will want one!"

There you go. Three jokes, told on the fly...

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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Sir Kevin
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# 3492

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[Eek!]

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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quote:
Originally posted by Starbug:
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change lightbulb?
None. They have a machine to do that now.

A singer-songwriter I know (who specializes in corny jokes while tuning her guitar) told this joke, although I don't recall if it was before or after she married her drummer:

Q: How can you tell if the platform is level under the drummer?

A: He's drooling out both sides of his mouth.

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

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Karl: Liberal Backslider
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# 76

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How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to go up the ladder and two to bitch about how it's far too high for her but they could do it easily.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, and no-one notices whether its done right or not.

Tenors been done upthread.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just look put-upon and get a tenor to do it.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has horns at the front and an arsehole at the back.

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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So a Hindu monk, a rabbi and a Baptist minister were going to an ecumenical conference. Late at night, the car they were driving broke down and they sought refuge at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer (who did NOT have a daughter--this ain't that kind of joke!) told them that they were welcome to stay the night but he only had room for two of them in the house and the third would have to stay in the barn

The Hindu said "No problem! I come from a poor area in my country and I am used to hardship. I am sure your barn will seem like a palace to me!" So he goes out to the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door of the house. It's the Hindu. "I am so sorry! There is a cow in the barn. Cows are very sacred to me and it would not be appropriate for me to share sleeping quarters with such a sacred being."

The rabbi said: "Not to worry! My people, we were born to suffer! I will sleep in the barn!" He goes out. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door of the house. It's the rabbi. "I regret to say that there is a pig in the barn. A pig is an unclean animal and it would not be appropriate for me to sleep in the same spot with it."

The Baptist minister gives a heavy sigh. "Oh, very well," he said in a pompous tone. "Then I shall sleep in the barn." He goes out. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door of the house. It's the cow and the pig...

[The version I learned used a Baptist minister, but feel free to substitute the denomination of your choice.]

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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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A laywer would make a perfect substitution.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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redderfreak
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# 15191

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Richard Dawkins?

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You know I just couldn't make it by myself, I'm a little too blind to see

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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My favourite one-liner, on reincarnation -

'Come back as a hyena, you're laughing'

Mrs. S, [Killing me]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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jbohn
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# 8753

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quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

Drummer goes into a music shop and browses for a while. Eventually he says: "I'd like the red trumpet and the white accordion". And the shop assistant says: "I'm sorry - I can't sell the fire extinguisher, and the radiator's bolted to the wall."

Did you hear about the bass player that locked the keys in his car?

He had to break the window to get the drummer out...

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We are punished by our sins, not for them.
--Elbert Hubbard

Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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What do you get if you cross an elephant with a PE teacher?

An elephant in a track suit who can't do joined-up writing.

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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It said on the news this morning that if you were travelling in icy weather you should take with you a shovel, a blanket, 24 hours' worth of food and water, extra warm clothing, a sleeping bag, a thermos of hot water, a radio to follow news reports and a mobile phone to be able to call for help.

I felt a bit of a prat getting on the No. 24 bus with that lot this morning ....'

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Traveller
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# 1943

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Dai Jones sang for forty years in the chapel choir. First tenor, see?

Then Dai passed away and found himself in the queue for the pearly gates. Eventually, he reaches the front of the queue and the angel with the big book asks his name.

"Jones, Dai", replies Dai.

"Ah! Dai bach, come on in, you're just in time for choir practice!" says the angel.

So Dai finds himself in the heavenly choir, with St. Peter taking choir practice. Ten thousand sopranos, ten thousand altos, ten thousand basses. Dai Jones in the only tenor, see.

Dai has a wonderful time, singing away as he never did back in chapel.

After a little while, St. Peter stops the choir. "Can the tenors make a little less noise, please!"

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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33

Posts: 1037 | From: Wherever the car has stopped at the moment! | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
TomOfTarsus
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# 3053

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What's with all the drummer jokes? I'd heard some of them as bagpiper jokes, to wit:

A piper suddenly remembered he'd left his car unlocked with his pipes in the back seat. He hurried back to his car, and found two more sets had been added...

(But I do have a wonderful coworker here who's also a drummer so.... [Devil] thanks for the material!)

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By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

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The5thMary
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# 12953

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A dog, wearing a gun belt and a cowboy hat limps into a bar. He says to the bartender: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"


Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either.

How about this one?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dwane.

Dwane, who?

Dwane the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

(Rim shot!)

Okay, last one and then I'll shut up. No, really!

Why was the ink blot sad?

Because his father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence would be!

I'm here all week, folks! [Big Grin]

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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.

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The5thMary
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# 12953

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quote:
Originally posted by Dal Segno:
I have CDO.

It's like OCD except that the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Did you hear about the new support group that's formed? D.A.M. -Mothers Against Dyslexia!

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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.

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Darllenwr
Shipmate
# 14520

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Like Sioni's offering upthread, this is not so much a joke as a rag week prank. I was told of it by an ex-student from Aberystwyth who was adamant it was true.

A group of students were walking into Aberystwyth when they came upon a group of council workmen digging up the road.

There is a moment of inspiration and one of the students approaches the Foreman.

"You know it's rag week?"

"Yes; what about it?"

"Well, we thought you ought to know that there's a group of students coming this way, dressed as Policemen - they're going to try to move you on."

"Oh! Right. Thanks"

The scene shifts to the public desk of the local Police Station. The student is now talking to the duty Sergeant.

"You know it's rag week?"

"Yes; what about it?"

"Well, we thought you ought to know that, as a rag week stunt, there's a group of students dressed as council workmen digging a hole in the road ..."

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If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: I do not exaggerate!

Posts: 1101 | From: The catbox | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged
Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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quote:
Originally posted by The5thMary:
A dog, wearing a gun belt and a cowboy hat limps into a bar. He says to the bartender: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"


Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either.

How about this one?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dwane.

Dwane, who?

Dwane the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

(Rim shot!)

Okay, last one and then I'll shut up. No, really!

Why was the ink blot sad?

Because his father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence would be!

I'm here all week, folks! [Big Grin]

I know some fourth graders who'd love these.

As did I. Sometimes I'm in the mood for some awful groaners. [Smile]

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Palimpsest
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# 16772

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quote:
Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

or "A brownie".
Posts: 2990 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged
Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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quote:
Originally posted by Darllenwr:
Like Sioni's offering upthread, this is not so much a joke as a rag week prank.

What in the world is Rag Week?

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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It's an annual event - a week in which University students do various things to raise money for charity. For example, collecting on the streets in fancy dress, publishing a "Rag Mag" full of jokes, doing some daft sponsored event etc etc etc.
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Sioni Sais
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# 5713

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quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
quote:
Originally posted by Darllenwr:
Like Sioni's offering upthread, this is not so much a joke as a rag week prank.

What in the world is Rag Week?
Apropos Rag Mag jokes, these were usually filthy and the filthiest came from the Rugby Club and the Women's Society.

You might get Rag Week stories here, but you won't get many Rag Week jokes.

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

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Cthulhu
PRAY TO BE EATEN FIRST
# 16186

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Q. WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER?

A. A NUN ON A MEAT HOOK.

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I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL. Nothing personal.

Posts: 78 | From: R'lyeh | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
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# 58

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Ah. I thought this was going to be "What is black and white and read all over?" to which the answer is "a newspaper". Only it isn't always true because most people only read the bits of a newspaper they like.

I think we still have a Circus. They might want some gags for their clowns, though their clowns might gag at some of these.

Ariel
Heaven ****

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jbohn
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# 8753

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quote:
Originally posted by TomOfTarsus:
(But I do have a wonderful coworker here who's also a drummer so.... [Devil] thanks for the material!)

Q: How do you know a drummer's at your door?

A: The knocking keeps getting faster.

Q: How do you get the drummer to go away?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

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We are punished by our sins, not for them.
--Elbert Hubbard

Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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Oh for fuck's sake, not the drummer jokes. I ain't readin' this shit. Look, we used to have a whole board devoted to good jokes; where did we go wrong?

Thread CLOSED
Ariston, Master and Commander

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged



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