homepage
  roll on christmas  
click here to find out more about ship of fools click here to sign up for the ship of fools newsletter click here to support ship of fools
community the mystery worshipper gadgets for god caption competition foolishness features ship stuff
discussion boards live chat cafe avatars frequently-asked questions the ten commandments gallery private boards register for the boards
 
Ship of Fools


Post new thread  Post a reply
My profile login | | Directory | Search | FAQs | Board home
   - Printer-friendly view Next oldest thread   Next newest thread
» Ship of Fools   »   » Oblivion   » Eurovision 2013

 - Email this page to a friend or enemy.    
Source: (consider it) Thread: Eurovision 2013
The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

 - Posted      Profile for The Great Gumby   Author's homepage   Email The Great Gumby   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What, the first semi-final already gone and no thread? I'm shocked and appalled.

I was slightly surprised that the Netherlands and Belgium both qualified last night, as they often fail and their songs didn't really grab me, but Anouk's rather dreary effort for the Dutch seems to have a significant body of support, and Belgium might have gone through on the bizarre choreography rule thanks to the backing dancers, or possibly this is positive discrimination in favour of overgrown hobbits.

If you missed it last night, you missed your chance to see probably the two most typically Eurovision songs of the night, from Montenegro and Serbia, neither of which made the final. I have no idea what either of them was about, but that's never been a problem in the past. Disappointingly, many other countries have gone for the same basic formula of single female singer with pointless weirdness going on behind her, which made it all a bit samey.

Denmark are hot favourites, but while their song was good, it didn't really grab me. I preferred Belarus's ridiculous but catchy effort, involving enormous glitterballs and choreography that's right on the border between fun and laughable. I expect Russia will do well again, Ukraine likewise, Moldova's act managed to be the most interesting single female singer thanks to an impressive gimmick, Estonia offered a minor twist by having a pregnant single female singer, and Ireland - well, I can't imagine Jedward doing that.

Lithuania deserve a special mention, just because I have no idea what it was about, but it involved shoes and some guy with dancing eyebrows. I'll watch it with the subtitles on Saturday, but I'm not sure it'll make any more sense.

--------------------
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Work is getting in the way of my social life, but I hope to have a review posted soon.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jay-Emm
Shipmate
# 11411

 - Posted      Profile for Jay-Emm     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
...
If you missed it last night, you missed your chance to see probably the two most typically Eurovision songs of the night, from Montenegro and Serbia, neither of which made the final. I have no idea what either of them was about, but that's never been a problem in the past.

Disappointingly, many other countries have gone for the same basic formula of single female singer with pointless weirdness going on behind her, which made it all a bit samey.

The commentators also noticed the Lady in white phenomenon. Maybe there should be a rule that if the same combination comes up more than 50% of the time, there's a raffle and the losers have to pick another colour.
You'd have thought it would split the vote, all going for the same audience/trick.
And if there's no Grannie's/Spacemen then someone has to draw the straw.

Also it's a bit depressing that every thing's English language (well except Serbia, Croatia and Moldova).

Posts: 1643 | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

 - Posted      Profile for balaam   Author's homepage   Email balaam   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
What, the first semi-final already gone and no thread? I'm shocked and appalled.

You are not looking hard enough.

--------------------
Last ever sig ...

blog

Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

 - Posted      Profile for Ariel   Author's homepage     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Very true... I'll have a word with my fellow hosts and see what they think.

Ariel
Heaven Host

Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Here's the review from the Gill H/Hugal household.

The evening kicks off with some groovy new titles which, if they were viewed on a 3D TV, should probably come with a warning. Then this year’s theme of ‘We Are One’ appears, and there’s a rather confusing zip around various groups of people playing instruments and singing. We’re rather confused by this until we figure out that it’s meant to be a whistle-stop tour of tonight’s competing countries (or at least some of them) and they are all attempting to play and sing last year’s winning song ‘Euphoria’. We would have caught on to this sooner if ‘Euphoria’ actually had much of a tune, but the repeated ‘Up up up’ lyric finally clues us in.

DJ Scott Mills and the Scissor Sisters’ Ana Matronic welcome us to the first semi-final. Being American, Ana hasn’t been fortunate enough to grow up with a working knowledge of Eurovision, but she throws herself into the gig with gusto. There’s a rather unfunny skit involving drunken nights and inflatable Viking horns, just to set the tone for the evening.

Scott informs us that we’ll start proceedings with a rendition of last year’s song from winner Loreen. Who is looking startlingly younger. And male. Oh wait, that’s a little boy. They’ve drafted in several boy choirs to sing for us – and also to sign, just in case we missed the lyrics (which mostly consist of the aforementioned ‘up up up’ and ‘Euphoria’). Loreen is wearing a long red dress – one of the few female performers not wearing white this evening.

Afterwards the floor opens and a mermaid clad in silver foil arises from the depths. She is our host for the evening, and she wastes no time in telling us that she’s breaking with convention by hosting alone. She’s pretty scary. I suspect any prospective male hosts ran away in terror. At least we won’t have to sit through the embarrassing bit where they pretend to fall in love.

Our host’s command of English is excellent but her delivery is very precise, to the point of sounding like she’s issuing commands at us. Despite the silver mermaid dress, she’s less Ariel, more Mary Poppins. I keep expecting her to chivvy us along with cries of ‘Spit spot!’

This year’s clever gimmick to introduce the countries is a butterfly in the colours of the country’s flag. It’s a neat little device and very well done. The traditional ‘postcards’ introducing each act have dispensed with the tradition of showing the performers larking about and exploring the host country. Instead we have little vignettes of the performers back home. Obviously the travel and subsistence budget has been slashed this year and they can’t afford to pop over early enough to film a holiday video. Anyhow, without further ado we are into the contest, beginning with...

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Austria
The first of an interminable number of women in white dresses belting out heartfelt and identical ballads. Also the first talent contest winner to perform, but by no means the last. She’s performing against a backdrop of long white glowing test tubes, which change colour at various points during the evening. Various backing singers sneak out from behind them – perhaps they should have stayed in hiding. Despite the title of ‘Shine’ this only seems to apply to the singer’s jeans, rather than the song. Apart from the inevitable key change in a particularly awkward place, nothing about this stands out at all.

Estonia
Another woman in white; this time she’s five months pregnant and appears to be wearing a shower curtain. She reminds me of Martine McCutcheon, whereas Peter feels she’s more of a Claire Sweeney. Well, she has actually turned up to perform...

Slovenia
This time it’s a woman in black,in a dress with a collar that reminds us of ‘Hawk’ from Buck Rogers. The male dancers around her are wearing metal masks. Either they are subsidising their career by moonlighting as welders, Flashdance style, or they’ve watched a certain Kylie video too many times. The choreography mixes robotics, acrobatics, ‘Step in Time’ braces action and a hilarious moment where they peep out from behind the singer in a particularly ramshackle fashion.

Croatia
Ah, some proper singing at last. And some men! These guys look like they met at a singalonga-Les Mis party. They’re all wearing long cloaks which apparently cost most of the national debt of Croatia. They give us a taste of what is apparently traditional ‘klapa’ music. In a nutshell – great baritone voices, fab harmonies (particularly in the a capella part) and I fall deeply in love with them. Which probably means they won’t get through. Oh well.

Denmark
The first appearance of ethnic instruments. We start with a Ronan Keating clone playing a pipe ever so slightly out of tune. Then more pipers and drummers, and a folky barefoot girl who belts out ‘Only Teardrops’. It’s a Florence and the Machine style stomper with a catchy hook. Towards the end there’s a fire curtain, but frankly it doesn’t need it. This song is the bookies’ favourite, and to my ears it has winner written all over it.

Russia
Again, a girl from a talent contest. Her gimmick is illuminated white globes, which are later thrown towards the audience by her backing singers. This is presumably to detract from their outfits, which in Von Trapp style have been created by recycling some soft furnishings.

Ukraine
Another female singer in white, but this time she’s carried on stage by what appears to be Hagrid’s Ukrainian warrior cousin. This guy is huge. He deposits her on top of a rather precarious rock, from which she belts out a rather wandering song about ‘My Gravity’. I wasn’t aware you could have your own personal gravity, unless perhaps the Ukrainian government have privatised it? The song is all very Cirque de Soleil, but instead of acrobatics we are treated to a swarm of butterflies created by lasers, and some rather vague wiggly hand movements.

Netherlands
Yet again it’s a female singer, but unlike the others she’s not gone for the shiny, sparkly look. Instead she’s all in black and looks like she came straight from the studio. She sings a mournful, moody song about birds falling from the sky or something. It has some weirdly wandering chords, and is the sort of thing you can imagine listening to over the credits of a blue-lit fantasy film full of angsty teenagers. I wonder briefly whether ‘Moody Birds’ could be a teen-themed spinoff of the Angry Birds? I really love this song - it’s completely un-Eurovision, and has the misfortune of following the eco-themed previous number, so I sense she’ll need my vote.

Montenegro
When a song opens with a couple of astronauts rapping in Serbian (?) then you know it’s time to open another can/bottle of your choice. In our case it’s a Swedish Rekorderlig cider – strawberry and lime flavour. Despite the singer’s Perspex wings and mile high silver shoes, there’s nothing to keep our interest here.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Lithuania
A young chap in leather who is attempting ‘The Smoulder’ and failing badly. He’s singing a 1980s synth stomper in a rather strained voice, all about the shoes he’s wearing today. Apparently one is called love and the other is pain. Well, if you will wear two shoes from different ranges, don’t blame me if you fall over.

Belarus
The first appearance of genuine old-style Eurovision cheese. The Latino rhythms introduce a giant disco ball, from which steps a girl dressed entirely in blue fringe. The boys frantically dance around her in their billowing white jackets. The song is a dead ringer for ‘Hooray Hooray it’s a Holi Holiday’ in a minor key, and none the worse for that. Insanely catchy, cheesy fun, and the hand movements introduce you to a rather bizarre new way to sign ‘cha cha’ just in case you ever need to.

Moldova
This girl is definitely designed to stand out. From the ‘orange ice cream sundae’ hairdo to the voluminous skirt, she’s here to make an impact. The boys dancing behind her appear to have escaped from Matthew Bourne’s latest ballet – that is, until they suddenly break out the High School Musical style ‘cannon’ where they stand behind each other and imitate a tidal wave. Suddenly she starts to rise up as her skirt lengthens and lengthens, until not content with defying gravity, she’s defying logic as well. Her skirt becomes a screen, sparkled with tiny stars and laser images, before finishing with a flame effect creeping up the dress. Wooaaah, this dress is on fire...!

Ireland
Just what we need at this stage of the evening – a couple of earnest young men playing the bodhran. For some reason they’re topless, presumably to show off their impressive tattoo collection. They are joined by a huge guy on percussion who’s also topless and tattooed. You do wonder where they went to find these guys. Anyway, the singer is chirpy young man in a leather suit, singing a clubby number called ‘Only Love Survives’. Chart friendly and delivered with energy – this should do well. Although the girls doing ‘hand hearts’ behind him do look like they have wandered in from a completely different song.

Cyprus
She seems to have forgotten to put a dress on. This one appears to be made entirely of black lace. She’s no Cher though, and at least she doesn’t attempt to sit on a cannon. Instead she belts out another impassioned identikit ballad with some wiggly hand movements to keep us awake.

Belgium
He’s an 18 year old talent contest winner with scary Chris de Burgh eyebrows and a cheeky smile. He throws himself into a bright poppy number with a catchy hook of ‘Love kills, over and over’. The dancing girls cope with some very strange choreography, including comedy floppy arms and some classic ‘gosh I really need the loo’ dancing.

Serbia
Three girls who have wandered in from some twisted fairytale. Two of them appear to be ‘shoulder angels’ for the one in the middle, but which one is good and which is bad? Actually they’re all pretty bad. At least the song gives them a chance to practice their scales in the chorus, in between singing lyrics that sound alarmingly like ‘lube up your scooter’ for no apparent reason.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Our scary-mary host is back to tell us how to vote. She’s very keen on promoting the new app, which sadly the UK can’t use, so Scott and Ana have to keep telling us to take no notice. Good job their recording booth is far enough away. I don’t think she likes being contradicted.

While the voting goes on we have a few interviews, including Loreen, who doesn’t seem to have watched much of tonight’s show. She earnestly explains that her song was signed because ‘some of the children are deaf’ and I’m left wondering whether they were deaf before the song started, or just as a consequence... We also have a quick interview with the Australian Eurovision commentator, who seems to have thoroughly enjoyed the evening, and with our very own Bonnie Langford, who’s gearing up for Saturday’s final. She confides that this is the first time she has used the ‘in yur yurphones’ and I feel briefly sorry for the Swedish sound crew, who probably aren’t used to broad Swansea accents.

The host has changed into a long flowing purple number, and introduces tonight’s second deeply unfunny sketch – this time a supposed British ambassador discovering Sweden. Frankly, they should have just shown us some nice shots of mountains, flat pack furniture and meatballs.

The host is back, to wring every ounce of tension out of announcing the ten qualifying countries. Which prove to be:

Moldova
Lithuania
Ireland
Estonia
Belarus
Denmark
Russia
Belgium
Ukraine

and, after an agonising wait ...

The Netherlands!

Yay, Moody Birds gets through! Shame about the Croatian baritone chorus though. So far, my money is on Denmark for the win, although I suspect Ukraine and Belgium may do well too.

And that completes the report of the Gill H/Hugal household. Thank you and goodnight.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

 - Posted      Profile for The Great Gumby   Author's homepage   Email The Great Gumby   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
What, the first semi-final already gone and no thread? I'm shocked and appalled.

You are not looking hard enough.
Au contraire. I thought the title and the location of that thread was pretty explicit in directing the thread towards "Virtual shipmeets", and not a discussion of the songs, which has always been Heaven territory.

Gill, I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who was most of the way through the intro bit before I realised that all those people were meant to be playing Euphoria. As ever, hard to fault your summary. Interestingly, I just realised that I had a tune running through my head that simply had to be a Eurovision artifact, but I couldn't place it. It turned out to be Only Teardrops, so evidently it had more of an impact on me than I thought, although I expect the tin whistle riff to get as annoying as that bit from Fairytale by the end of the night.

I'm hoping for a bit more variety in tonight's acts, and specifically a few more songs that aren't in English. Both the really bizarre acts and the songs in other languages suffered badly in the first semi, and Eurovision needs that variety. There are lots of memorable songs from previous years stuck in my mind, almost always because they were different in some way - taste and artistic merit be damned. This year's crop all seems a bit samey.

--------------------
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Sorry for the deliberate mistake (I blame the Rekorderlig...)

Bonnie Tyler, not Bonnie Langford!

Although frankly we'd probably have a better chance with Ms Langford...

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mudfrog
Shipmate
# 8116

 - Posted      Profile for Mudfrog   Email Mudfrog   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I hope you like the Swiss entry tonight - Takasa.
They are a Salvation Army group.

They won their country's vote wearing uniforms and calling themselves 'Heilsarmee' (Salvation Army in German) - and they still won!

The Eurovision authorities then stepped in and ruled that they could not wear uniforms or call themselves 'Salvation Army.'

So now they wear simple white and navy 'uniform' and have renamed the group 'Takasa' which is Swahili for 'purify' or 'purified'.

The bass player is breaking the record for being, at 95 years of age, the oldest Eurovision contestant ever. (so far)

The song is not religious but is all about people being together.

--------------------
"The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid."
G.K. Chesterton

Posts: 8237 | From: North Yorkshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
Curious
Shipmate
# 93

 - Posted      Profile for Curious   Email Curious   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
When did Jedward move to Latvia??

--------------------
Erin - you are missed more than you could know. Rest in peace and rise in glory - to provide unrest in the heavenly realms.

Posts: 1372 | From: Betwixt and between | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

 - Posted      Profile for Tree Bee   Email Tree Bee   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Thanks Gill, I'm looking forward to Saturday night's shenanigans .
Glad I've bought some schnapps , I think we'll need it!

--------------------
"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Surfing Madness
Shipmate
# 11087

 - Posted      Profile for Surfing Madness   Author's homepage   Email Surfing Madness   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
This evening I have tried to explain to my flatmate that eurovision is not about who sings the best song....she said "but it's a song contest." [Roll Eyes]

--------------------
I now blog about all my crafting! http://inspiredbybroadway.blogspot.co.uk

Posts: 1542 | From: searching for the jam | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

 - Posted      Profile for Sir Kevin   Author's homepage   Email Sir Kevin   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I like the Swiss video best: the trombonist in the back seat of the car is just priceless!

--------------------
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

 - Posted      Profile for The Great Gumby   Author's homepage   Email The Great Gumby   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Surfing Madness:
This evening I have tried to explain to my flatmate that eurovision is not about who sings the best song....she said "but it's a song contest." [Roll Eyes]

What do you think it's about, then? Joking about politics apart, and bearing in mind my sig, what is it if not a song contest?

We concluded that the draw had placed all the non-English songs and randomness into a single semi-final. Where Tuesday had been a bit samey, this was proper Eurovision, with a bit of something for everyone and a few things that no one in their right mind would want.

Anyone who was otherwise occupied will have missed a Macedonian act which was more unusual than the whole of Tuesday put together, Bulgaria's fun drumming thing which I rather enjoyed and probably deserved better, Israel's Supernanny in an ill-advised outfit with an impressive pair of, er, lungs apparently, and Albania's heavy rock group led by Big Mad Adrian with a firework attached to his guitar.

But we got some proper variety - Azerbaijan had a catchy song about a man asphyxiating in a perspex box (I think), Greece had some traditional Greek Ska (complete with a bouzouki) about free booze, and Romania had... to be honest, I'm not sure, except to say that this is the ultimate proof that just because you *can* do something, it doesn't mean you *should*.

Georgia gave us a generic power ballad, Armenia still seem to be stuck in the 80s judging by their song but particularly all the denim on display, Norway had yet another woman in white singing something vaguely reminiscent of Euphoria, and Iceland succeeded where Croatia failed in qualifying with an all-male song in their own language. It didn't seem that amazing at first, but it was in my head when I woke up this morning.

Hungary and Malta both offered quirky little numbers, Hungary's being sung - if that's the right word - by Jarvis Cocker's weedier brother. Malta just seemed to be enjoying themselves, and it would be nice to see them do well. As for Finland - on the one hand, it's unremarkable Eurocheese, on the other it seems to have caused a stir with its message. That's impressive, because if it has a message, it's very mixed and confused. Maybe it's just a silly, fun song, with lyrics crowbarred to make dodgy rhymes. Put the dissertation down, professor, and enjoy.

This year's trends: single female vocalists are in, as we know, which I think is more significant than the white thing. Key changes seem to be making a comeback after a few years in the wilderness - one song had several on its own. Costume changes are still out of favour, but they've been replaced by gimmicky costumes designed to add to the spectacle. And in particular, Asterix dresses are in - you know, figure-hugging ones that go swooshy out at the bottom.

I thought that for once, the contest wasn't infested with attempted clones of the previous winner. There was a bit of trance, some staging which was very similar to Euphoria, but nothing really glaring. And then I heard Germany's song. It's glaring. It's blatant. At least they could have tried to adapt it in some way, for the sake of plausible deniability. Maybe they could have added an Oompah band to make it sound more German - they could have called it Euphoooooo-NIUM.

If you're playing the Eurovision drinking game, a copy of a previous winner is always worth a drink. This year's German entry deserves ten.

--------------------
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Semi-final 2 review:

And it’s time once again to break out the Rekorderlig strawberry and lime cider for the second semi-final. Which begins with a return of the ‘3D fractured Polos’ and then goes straight into one of the most bizarre and wonderful opening acts I’ve ever seen. The familiar Eurovision theme begins, and each phrase is illustrated by a dancer moving in time to each note. It builds to include BMX bikers creating splashes of virtual colour, and moves through people dancing on a giant keyboard and a mixing desk. It’s kind of like Tap Dogs meets Blue Man Group, and is quite frankly enthralling. This could quite possibly be the best thing we see tonight.

Scott Mills and Ana Matronic are back, slightly more chilled than on Tuesday, but enthusiastically looking forward to another evening trying to describe the indescribable.

And with that our host Petra returns. Tonight she’s not dressed as a silver-foil mermaid. Instead she wears a dress that looks like something Marie Antoinette would wear to a funeral. Evidently the moths in Sweden are enormous, because they have eaten the entire front of her skirt. The effect is to make her look as if she’s wearing false legs. I half expect her to start riding an ostrich, in the style of Bernie Clifton. Round her shoulders is an enormous golden paper doiley, making me wonder if she is preparing to host the Great Swedish Bake-Off after this gig. She reiterates, in case you missed it on Tuesday, that she doesn’t need some pathetic co-host, she is doing this all alone. She compares herself to Indira Gandhi and Mother Theresa – both of whom, as Ana dryly notes, had absolutely no fashion sense. I like Ana, she’s definitely understood the right attitude to take when watching Eurovision by now. And so we kick off with…

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Latvia
Men in glittery suits, no shirts and pointy hair. They have clearly been eating too many orange Smarties, as they can barely contain their excitement. There’s even some crowd surfing to distract us from the fact that the song is a dead ringer for George Michael’s ‘Freedom 90’ for some reason.

San Marino
This is their second time in the contest, and they evidently haven’t found two people in San Marino who want to do this – they have sent the same singer as last year. However, instead of last year’s infectiously silly ‘Social Network Song’ this time we have a mournful ballad which begins with the singer crouched on the floor holding a large glowing globe and moaning. We wonder if she is about to give birth to an Ood. Behind her are two girls with red wings on their arms, and it looks like the whole song is perhaps a tribute to our own Bonnie Tyler’s greatest ever hit. But no – suddenly the song lurches queasily into disco, just in time for the first of two unnecessary key changes. They may only have one singer, but they appear to have entered two completely different songs jammed together.

Macedonia
A smiley chap in a suit who begins to sing a rather dull mid-tempo ballad, until he is interrupted by his Big Fat Gypsy Grandma. She’s a vision in huge quantities of red silk, who breaks into some impressive ethnic wailing. He keeps smiling and singing, trying not to look too scared in case she eats him for breakfast. Fortunately the two backing girls manage to keep order, but there is no doubt Grandma is the star of this entry.

Azerbaian
Another cheery young man trying to perfect his smoulder, with another mid-tempo ballad. But what’s this? He’s standing on a Perspex box with a young man trapped inside, who begins to perform complicated acrobatics. At one point he’s actually standing upside down in the box, as if he’s the singer’s reflection. As the song progresses, the imprisoned acrobat attempts more and more impressive stunts, and eventually the stage is invaded by a young lady in a red dress with a train that seems to stretch half way down the auditorium. Oh look, she’s made rose petals appear in the box! We really enjoy the staging of this number, but it would have been a lot better without some guy singing through the whole act.

Finland
And we’re off to a Finnish wedding in Vegas, courtesy of a blonde version of Katy Perry. The song is perky and infectious, and injects a much needed dose of high camp into the proceedings. What’s more outrageous – the purple velvet suits of the men, or the sexy serving wench outfits of the ladies? Neither – it’s the ninja bridesmaids who suddenly burst on the scene and start wielding their bouquets like weapons. I won’t spoil the unexpected ending, but suffice it to say it’s a denoument which a large proportion of the Eurovision audience approve of heartily.

Malta
A jolly little 70s folk number about Jeremy who works in IT, sung by a happy smiley group of people who I suspect would like to give the world a carbonated soft drink while holding hands on a hillside. Very sweet, and despite some occasional tuning issues I have rather a fondness for this one.

Bulgaria
They are throwing everything into the mix here. Stomp drummers, ethnic trance, a crazy bagpiper, a man in a giant mask and lots of energetic running about. I think there was a song too, but in all the hoo haa it got a bit lost.

Iceland
In complete contrast to the last number, this is basically a guy with long blond hair, dressed in black, singing a simple but haunting number which translates as ‘I’m Alive’. Apparently he has played Jesus in Superstar – he certainly has the look – and fittingly, this song sounds rather like a hymn to me. By the end we’re waving our phones in the air instead of lighters. Now that’s how to command a stage. No gimmicks, just a simple song and a great voice.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Greece
Perhaps it’s a sign of the collapsing Greek economy that this frantically bonkers number seeks to inform us that ‘Alcohol is free’. It evidently was when they thought up this song. Imagine ska night at your local Greek restaurant just after happy hour. In the middle of the chaos stands an older man playing a tiny bouzouki – a bonsai bouzouki if you will. Evidently this size is all he can afford these days. A great fun number, with or without the free booze.

Israel
Oh, honey, never let Sue Sylvester design your Eurovision dress. The mermaid look just doesn’t work on a tracksuit. Plus, the front is so low cut there’s serious danger of a wardrobe malfunction. The song is completely forgettable, but sadly the dress isn’t.

Armenia
This is a rocky little number sung by an earnest long-haired guy and backed with a George Michael clone on guitar. Smithy from ‘Gavin and Stacey’ appears to have been drafted in as the keyboard player. The song is called ‘Lonely Planet’ and frankly I prefer the travel guides to this.

Hungary
Another gentle folky song, sung by a guy in a grey woolly hat. He’s obviously getting over a cold, or at least he sings like he is – we nickname him Badly Sung Boy. Behind him there are weird cartoons and graffiti which are much more interesting than either him or the song. At one point he’s singing what sounds like ‘Meesh Moosh Mash’ and we wonder briefly whether this is the Hungarian equivalent of ‘Bish Bash Bosh’? Anyway, bosh describes it pretty well.

Norway
An imposing blond songstress in white with frizzy plaited hair. It’s the Ice Queen meets Rapunzel. The song reminds us of a Madonna-era Bond theme, which means moodiness, not much of a tune and ridiculous lyrics like “I feed you my love”. No thanks, I’m not hungry.

Albania
His nickname is Onion, apparently. Maybe that’s really daring and cool in Albania. This is another ‘ethnic rock’ number with loads of kettledrums, a guitar that throws a shower of sparks, a few questionable hand gestures and not a lot else.

Georgia
A sickeningly sweet couple sing a standard Euro-pop duet. The smoke machine and the bursts of fire try to shut them up, but they just keep singing. At the end he seems to be just about stopping her from falling over, so maybe they too have been on the Rekorderlig tonight.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Switzerland
This band boast the oldest contestant, a 95 year old double bass player. They are all members of the Salvation Army, but sadly the Eurovision powers that be have prevented them appearing in their uniforms, so they have chosen instead to come dressed as the cast of ‘The Book of Mormon’. They sing a nicely anthemic song about togetherness, which rhymes ‘aaah ahhh ahhh’ with ‘near and far’. They all look like they are having great fun, and I’d certainly buy a copy of the War Cry from them.

Romania
Maybe there’s a nod to Saturday’s Doctor Who season finale here, because this guy’s arrival prompts the question ‘Is it the Master?’. This is classic cheesy camp of the highest order – but wow, this guy can really sing. He’s dressed in a huge black glittery outfit and surrounded by a red parachute under which some rather acrobatic dancers are hiding. Again, I won’t spoil the surprise element, but please, please, don’t go and put the kettle on until this guy has sung. Your jaw will hit the floor.

It’s pretty pointless to try and follow that with anything of substance. We get a couple of interviews, some random Bonnie worship and a quick whizz through the ‘Big Six’ we haven’t yet seen. And then the final ten qualifiers are announced as:

Hungary
Azerbaian
Georgia
Romania
Norway
Armenia
Iceland
Finland
Malta
Greece

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713

 - Posted      Profile for Sioni Sais   Email Sioni Sais   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:


Malta
A jolly little 70s folk number about Jeremy who works in IT, sung by a happy smiley group of people who I suspect would like to give the world a carbonated soft drink while holding hands on a hillside. Very sweet, and despite some occasional tuning issues I have rather a fondness for this one.


Gill, you don't know how accurate you are! When I worked in Malta on an IT project I knew a guy called Jeremy and there are lots of happy smiley people there, all-but addicted to Malta's very own soft drink - Kinnie.

--------------------
"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

 - Posted      Profile for Anselmina     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Gill, fabulous descriptions!!

The bridge has been lowered - let battle commence!

--------------------
Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

 - Posted      Profile for L'organist   Author's homepage   Email L'organist   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
So, no prize for Bonnie Tyler but she did better than poor old Englebert.

And what on earth was the female presenter in Malmo wearing? Looked more like a soft sculpture than a dress - plus it looked as if she'd got Amy Winehouse's beehive.. [Snigger]

--------------------
Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

 - Posted      Profile for Penny S     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I didn't know at first that Romania was Romania, and suggested Transylvania - I thought Dracula in bling. So sort of correct. Then I referred back earlier in the evening and described him as failed design for Dr Who villain. What was the twist? His vocal range? I wasn't really watching. I can't remember any tunes - though I suspect the list of things about Sweden might resurface. (Wot, no flat pack?)

[ 19. May 2013, 12:57: Message edited by: Penny S ]

Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged
birdie

fowl
# 2173

 - Posted      Profile for birdie     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Romania had... to be honest, I'm not sure, except to say that this is the ultimate proof that just because you *can* do something, it doesn't mean you *should*.


That's exactly what Graham Norton said about it on saturday night - is he reading?

--------------------
"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
Captain Jack Sparrow

Posts: 1290 | From: the edge | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
Jay-Emm
Shipmate
# 11411

 - Posted      Profile for Jay-Emm     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Just iPlayering to see some of the bits I missed (I had it on in the background for the heats and only watched the voting)
I like the warning about the phone lines.

Posts: 1643 | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
South Coast Kevin
Shipmate
# 16130

 - Posted      Profile for South Coast Kevin   Author's homepage     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
For the first time in ages, I watched pretty much the whole of the show on Saturday - I got invited round to a friend's house for a little Eurovision party. It was rather fun!

And I'm seriously liking the song that won. It really reminds of the first Florence and the Machine album. In case you're not familiar:

Cosmic Love
Howl

--------------------
My blog - wondering about Christianity in the 21st century, chess, music, politics and other bits and bobs.

Posts: 3309 | From: The south coast (of England) | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged
The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

 - Posted      Profile for The Great Gumby   Author's homepage   Email The Great Gumby   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Romania had... to be honest, I'm not sure, except to say that this is the ultimate proof that just because you *can* do something, it doesn't mean you *should*.


That's exactly what Graham Norton said about it on saturday night - is he reading?
I doubt it very much. TBH, that description didn't originate with me, but I suspect a lot of Norton's patter is collected from the pick of the Twitter discussion of the semis.

One that is my very own (although I wouldn't be surprised if someone else came up with it independently) is that Germany evidently thought they were entitled to steal other people's songs seeing that they were paying for them.

And how can people have none of the songs stuck in their head? I have Denmark, Greece, Romania, Finland and Lithuania playing on a loop, with occasional snatches of Norway, Belarus, Belgium, Iceland and Ukraine. Strangely, although I liked the song, Azerbaijan refused to stick. Maybe I was too distracted by the mime getting the Vetinari treatment alongside him.

--------------------
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

 - Posted      Profile for Sarasa   Email Sarasa   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
I have 'one shoe called love, one shoe called pain' stuck in my head and I wish it would go away. I can't actually remember how the Azerbaijan song sounded, but I liked the staging.

--------------------
'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
Horseman Bree
Shipmate
# 5290

 - Posted      Profile for Horseman Bree   Email Horseman Bree   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Just wanted to tell Mudfrog that I'm glad he gave us the link to Takasa.

Yeah, yeah, they didn't win or even place.

But they were cheerful, the music was infectious, the whole thing wasn't wildly overproduced, and the song was about something that just about every church could agree was a Good Thing (long-term monogamy and mutual support). The promo video must have cost more than the rest of their venture in total.

In agreement with the Turtles (Happy Together) without being a clone.

Were they knocked out after the semis because they were too cheerful, or because they were Swiss? Unlike several other entries, it was, at least, a song, not tribal drumming or synthetic reproduction of Barry Manilow on grass.

The less said about the Greek entry, the better.

Of course, it says more about me than anything else that I also liked Malta's happy little piece, while being totally uninterested in the contortions, verbal or otherwise, of the various ladies in white (or black) and their backing.

--------------------
It's Not That Simple

Posts: 5372 | From: more herring choker than bluenose | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Here, a little late, is our review...

Good evening fellow Euro-watchers! In preparation for the grand final, we’ve made a batch of popcorn (after all, corn is a staple ingredient of Eurovision) and in true British fashion we’ve broken out the Bucks Fizz.

Anyone who switches on a few minutes early could be forgiven for thinking that Status Quo have been hard up for money lately, as they are evidently playing at a Caribbean hen party. But no, it’s just the end of the National Lottery, and the real fun is still to come.

As usual, the fractured 3D polos start the evening, and we’re straight into a flashback of last year’s win. Then we see a large green caterpillar making its way to a hot air balloon, in which it flies away. After a few seconds wondering if we’d switched over to a David Attenborough programme by mistake, Graham Norton’s commentary reveals that this is symbolic of the spirit of Eurovision, flying away from Baku and landing in Malmo where – of course – it turns into a butterfly. And having shown us the enormous bridge the balloon has just crossed, they then switch to the auditorium, where there is a version of that very bridge. Massed choirs strike up the new Eurovision anthem, and I’m just thinking “Hmm, that sounds a bit like something from Chess” when Graham confirms that yes, this has been written by Benny and Bjorn, together with some contemporary Swedish group whose name we didn’t catch. And as the anthem swells, the contestants begin to walk across the bridge in a ceremonial entry. Sweden is definitely showing us that they know how to do this stuff.

Scary Petra is back as our host once more, this time in a Barbie-pink creation with matching boots. She’s on form tonight, joking about the ‘dancing queens in the audience’, although I do wonder whether she’s grasped the finer points of the evening when she declares “May the best song win!” Well, we can hope.

As usual, I won’t repeat myself by doing much recapping of the qualifying entries we’ve already seen. If they’ve all merged into a blur by now, check out my previous reviews. However, I may bring up a couple of extra comments and reveal a few surprises I kept back before. And the contest gets under way with …

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
France
This is new to us all, France being one of the countries who automatically qualify. And oh look, they’ve sent a gravelly-voiced blonde woman in black. Maybe they were peeking at us over the Channel? Their singer is rather reminiscent of Britney after too many Gauloises, and belts out a bluesy song – something about hell and her derriere, judging by the lyrics we make out. Not a bad opener, but there’s a long way to go tonight.

Then we have old friends Lithuania and Moldova.

Finland
I know we’ve seen the desperate bride before, but I can now reveal that those men in purple suits were, in fact, not men at all – moustaches notwithstanding. They pull off an impressive quick change mid-song and are revealed as the ninja bridesmaids. The song, ‘Marry Me Baby’ is apparently a ‘gentle hint’ to her boyfriend, although she could justifiably be accused of sending mixed messages here, as she finishes by apparently marrying one of the waitresses instead.

Spain
A girl in a yellow dress and a crazed bagpiper. As so often, the Spanish entry doesn’t have a hint of Spain about it – they leave that to Eastern European entries usually. Despite the presence of a grinning guitarist who is a mixture of Vernon Kay and Lee Evans, this is rather dull. We decide they’ll need to find a black box after this, as it will sink without trace.

Some more familiar entries – Belgium, Estonia, Belarus(cha-cha!) and the cast of ‘A Mighty Wind’ aka the entry from Malta. Oh, and Russia, which still makes no impression whatsoever.

Germany
A clubby track from chart-stormers Cascada. Why do I always think their name sounds like something you’d take for water retention? There have been allegations of plagiarism about this number. I couldn’t possibly comment, but ‘Glorious’ certainly goes for a euphoric feel. Not my sort of thing, not least because she can’t actually sing in tune.

[ 21. May 2013, 05:30: Message edited by: Gill H ]

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Armenia is back, followed by another comedy sketch from supposed UK ambassador Lynda Woodruff. This time the sketch has a couple of funny moments, most notably when the Swedish royal palace is listed as the home of ABBA, but unfortunately the joke is flogged to death. Thank goodness for the Netherlands, who bring a touch of gravitas to proceedings with their strangely moody song ‘Birds’ once again.

I’m rather distracted by someone holding up a feather duster in the colours of the German flag, but enough of such tickling schtick, it’s time for the wonder that is …

Romania
Again, I told you about this one before, but he is worthy of mention for his incredible falsetto. This song isn’t just over the top, it’s half way down the other side, but it’s a welcome injection of glitter and fun.

UK
How on earth are we going to follow that? Unfortunately, with a rather lacklustre performance from Bonnie, who seems very unsure of herself. She’s a little off key at times, and seems nervous, having struggled all week with voice troubles. Maybe she’s scared of a total eclipse by the Romanian entry, because every now and then she falls apart. Don’t think we will be hosting next year.

Sweden
The hosts are next, fielding a young man with a broad smile and an unremarkable song which sounds like something from Coldplay’s bottom drawer. Despite featuring ponytailed twin brothers, this is pretty dull.

Another chance to enjoy Hungary, Denmark (which we still feel has winner written all over it), Iceland(a personal favourite for its simple, hymn-like feel), Azerbaijan (David Blaine with unnecessary singing), Greece (please note, alcohol is not actually free in Greece, despite their claims) and the Ukraine.

Italy
The last of the automatic qualifiers. Pleasant enough chap with a beard, who sings a staggeringly dull ballad. Given that Italy is famous for classic tailoring, we wonder why he has chosen to wear such an ill-fitting cheap suit.

The last three entries are Norway, Georgia and Ireland (it’s always good to end an evening with topless tattooed men playing the bodhran. But enough of my home life, back to the contest.)

[ 21. May 2013, 05:35: Message edited by: Gill H ]

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

 - Posted      Profile for Gill H     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
After the voting instructions (which include the surprising information that you can only vote 20 times – seriously, does anyone actually do that?) we have Loreen reprising last year’s winner. This time she’s wearing bird feathers on her shoulders, for reasons that will become apparent later. She is accompanied by women in green army jumpsuits who are, err, jumping. The next few minutes are a blur of men in red robes, acrobatic flying (hence the feathers) and parachutists in MC Hammer trousers. It ends with a snowstorm, just as a change from all the fire and smoke we’ve had this evening.

After this, we get the best interval act since Riverdance – and probably the first to star the host. Petra regales us with a comic song called ‘Swedish Smorgasbord’ detailing all the Swedish clichés, including flatpack furniture, meatballs ‘seasoned with horse’ and the girl with the dragon tattoo. Unlike most Eurovision-host humour, this is genuinely funny and it’s good to see a nation which can take the mickey out of themselves. The number features previous winner Carola who pops up to sing a snatch of her song ‘Stormwind’.

Next comes a reworking of ‘The Winner Takes It All’ from a rather good singer who apparently played ‘Lynda Woodruff’ earlier in the evening. Her singing voice is a lot better than the dodgy Essex accent she used in the sketch, and this version of the song goes down very well.

And now Petra, in a Miss Havisham-style creation with an enormous white skirt, is back to collect the votes. We get points from Sweden, Romania, Spain, Malta, Ireland, Slovenia and Switzerland, which is a lot better than last year when we seemed to drop off the radar of most countries.

Erik Saade, who broke out of a glass box while singing ‘Popular’ a couple of years ago, is prowling round the ‘Green Room’ interviewing the acts, while frantically hashtagging every word he says.

The UK’s top votes go to Greece, Russia and Denmark. It’s not long before Denmark is so far ahead no-one can catch up. Even so, it’s a bit of a shock when Petra stops the proceedings before the last few countries have given their votes, to declare that Denmark are the winners and display the flag of Denmark on her voluminous skirt. Such an announcement is frankly bizarre, and makes the final countries rather an anti-climax. But anyway, the obvious winner does in fact win, and the UK comes nineteenth – a distinct improvement on last year, though it would be nice to be on the left-hand side of the screen again.

And as we drain the last of the Buck’s Fizz and clear up the popcorn, that’s it for another year. Bon soir, mes amis, until the next time.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged


 
Post new thread  Post a reply Close thread   Feature thread   Move thread   Delete thread Next oldest thread   Next newest thread
 - Printer-friendly view
Go to:

Contact us | Ship of Fools | Privacy statement

© Ship of Fools 2016

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.5.0

 
follow ship of fools on twitter
buy your ship of fools postcards
sip of fools mugs from your favourite nautical website
 
 
  ship of fools