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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
Playing a game of limericks one line at a time has been done before; could we try something new?
One person suggests a profession, the next supplies a limerick for that profession, then suggests a new one. For example:
Cartographer:
A sweet young cartographer, named Gloria,
When her boyfriend exclaimed "Let me exploria!"
Replied to the chap
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been to beforia."
Or the well-known plumber limerick:
An eager young plumber of Lea
Was plumbing his love by the sea,
When she said, "Stop your plumbing!
I can hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
So, over to the next rhymer:
A golf instructor
<small>[ 17. June 2012, 01:23: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]</small>
[ 13. February 2013, 04:37: Message buggered about with by: Ariston ]
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
Of course, it is altogether possible that no one will wish to take part...
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
A golf instructor named Wing
had a mighty powerful swing.
When he taught how to chip
he swung his tight hips
And made many a watcher sing.
Lawyer
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
If you should call a lawyer a shyster
You may wind up knocked flat on your keyster,
Which could spoil your chance
To go to the dance
With a legal-political-meister.
Church growth consultant
[ 17. June 2012, 23:35: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
A church-growth consultant* called Bob
Said, "I've got a marvellous job:
I act on my hunches
over long, liquid lunches
as with bishops and deans I hob-nob."
Next one: Estate agent
* ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
[ 18. June 2012, 00:46: Message edited by: piglet ]
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There once was an estate agent named Dale
Who had too many houses for sale
He tried a big discount
for his customer the Viscount
But was quite unable to prevail
Farmer
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Wesley J
Silly Shipmate
# 6075
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Posted
A farmer's young son, name was Dale
Once lifted a quite heavy bale
of straw o'r his head.
He let go, now he's dead.
Health'n'safety were clearly a fail.
Train driver
[ETA: Apologies for grabbing the same name; must have unconsciously copied it!]
[ 18. June 2012, 03:34: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)
Posts: 7354 | From: The Isles of Silly | Registered: May 2004
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Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511
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Posted
Said Tony when driving his train,
“The braking can be such a pain
I call at each station
The length of the nation
I keep stopping again and again!”
(My old friend Tony used to drive trains but now manages those who do!)
Vet
Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
A veterinarian, somewhere from the US
Took to his work a girl he wanted to impress:
"Are you seeing this cow?
I'm totally into nature, somehow."
And then he stuck his fist up its ...
Real estate broker
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
Sorry, that one was already done.
Stock broker then.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There once was a broker named Smoak
Who lived life high on coke
He would sell an IPO
And watch his money grow
Until Facebook and now he is broke.
Sports Announcer
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511
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Posted
“They think it’s all over!” said Ron
I’m quite sure United have won!”
But a goal came from City
Oh what a pity!
The title race over and done!
Airline pilot
Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001
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Wesley J
Silly Shipmate
# 6075
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Posted
A shy airline pilot with piles
who flew in his plane many miles
felt despised and went home
to sit on his throne.
A riled pilot's miles piles can be vile(s).
policeman/policewoman
[ 20. June 2012, 18:41: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)
Posts: 7354 | From: The Isles of Silly | Registered: May 2004
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
An Alberta hooker, her trade once plied
With an incontinent cop by her side.
Her clients could see
Where the RCM pee,
And enjoy her continental divide.
Pastry chef
[ 20. June 2012, 21:18: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
There once was a chef, whose eclairs
Were so light that they floated upstairs.
His strawberry tart
Was a work of fine art,
As was also his tatin of pears.
Organist ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
A gal from LA, name of Lana
was enamoured of her Vox Humana
Palestrina she trod
"until", said God,
Please play Carmina Burana
civil serpent
[ 24. June 2012, 20:44: Message edited by: Jahlove ]
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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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MiceElf
Not your average mouse
# 4389
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Posted
A confused Civil Servant named Clive
Reported that someone no longer alive
Had claimed to say that aged 92
He was off sick with the flu
And supporting a family of five.
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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.
Posts: 1032 | From: OILOVWOIGHT | Registered: Apr 2003
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MiceElf
Not your average mouse
# 4389
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Posted
oooops... forgot to add the next Profession.
Pharmacist
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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.
Posts: 1032 | From: OILOVWOIGHT | Registered: Apr 2003
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
While trying to read a prescription,
A pharmacist had a conniption:
"The writing's so bad,
It makes me so mad,
It might as well be in Egyptian!"
Just to be fair: Doctor/GP
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
A doctor - it could be Kildare
was concerned at the loss of his hair
He invented a cream
which worked like a dream
But made him desire Tony Blair
Rodent Control Operative (ratcatcher)
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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
"Ratchatcher" our Rodent Control Operative
Gave the chief of them pests a directive
"You've created plague
Here in The Hague
Go back to Hamlyn! - of which you're a native."
Televangelist
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
A televangelist called Biffy
Whose liturgy was deeply iffy
Decreed that his show
Down to Dublin would go,
But he sank without trace in the Liffey.
Tennis player (try to be kind ... ![[Frown]](frown.gif) )
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
A tennis player named Walls
Got all the right calls
Till he drank too much scotch
and caught one in the crotch
Now he has bright yellow balls
Next: Masseuse
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
Ivan was quite the masseuse!
He practiced his art on a moose !
He squeezed it and rubbed it,
Til la moose couldn't stand it;
He reduced the poor moose to moose-juice.
Opera singer
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
An opera-singer called Nellie
Who wanted to be on the telly
Was singing Aida
With none to succeed her
When, sadly, her legs turned to jelly.
Lumberjack
Any references to ladies' underthings will result in instant disqualification. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There once was a lumberjack named Bates
Who took his ax out on dates
He swung it after too much beer
Thus hit himself where tis dear
And now he just hangs with his mates
Next: Rugby Player
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
There was a Rugby Player who ran zig zag
Whilst being chased by the police in a Jag
Twas just a game
With more of the same
After a rugby match that neither didst bag.
Diplomat
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
A diplomat, whose name was Carter
Who had once been Our Man in Jakarta
Had to leave Indonesia
After suffering amnesia
A disease to which he was a martyr.
Chiropodist
[ 12. July 2012, 02:23: Message edited by: piglet ]
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There once was a Chiropodist and mime
Who thought that toes were sublime
He would rub them and rub them oh so
Then take the odd photo
And now he is doing some time.
Undertaker
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
An undertaker who kicked the bucket
Asked to be cremated in Phuket
Where he last stayed
With his beloved maid
Never returning to his job saying, "F*** it" *
[ * Slap on P*****'s wrists ? ]
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Computer Analyst
(Sorry for my sloppy post)
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
A computer analyst from DC
Was quite good at PC
But show him a Mac
It would take him aback
As all the techies could see
Next: Captain of a Starship
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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kingsfold
Shipmate
# 1726
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Posted
There once was a Captain named Kirk
who was really a bit of a jerk.
When he said, "you know, Scottie
You're really a hottie"
He soon found himself out of work.
Rocket Scientist
Posts: 4473 | From: land of the wee midgie | Registered: Nov 2001
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There was a rocket scientist named Van Braun
Who work was the talk of the town
Security was tight
But not always "right"
And he could not see what he had written down
Next: Movie Star
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
An ode to the cool western movie star
Who’d casually stroll into a smoke filled bar
Ta dispence with justice
Ta baddy (and mistress)
With large brimmed hat and ruddy great cigar.
Washerwoman
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
The woman who did up the wash
Was heard once to say, "Oh, by gosh!
I am such an old dope,
For I left out the soap
And I thought I was ever so posh!"
Symphonic conductor
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There was a conductor named Hess
Whose scores were always a mess
He had flowing silver hair
His baton was always in the air
But the orchestra was left to guess
Next: Sailor
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
Well hell. Hain't nobody responding.
I'll recite a limerick me daddy taught me as a mere lad.
There once was a sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
He fell on his cutlass
It rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
Somebody outta be able to come up with an original sailor limerick.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
A sailor who sailed the high sea
Once exclaimed with an oath, "Well, I'll be!
Seems like one of my mates,
An old salt named Bates,
Won't be taking the ladies to tea!"
A railroad engineer (locomotive driver)
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
I like Amanda's limerick better; sounds less painful.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
An old engine driver named Bill
Thought his TV show quite a thrill
It aired in LA
With guest stars: ole!
Sadly it's over the hill...
chartered accountant
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When counting other folks money
I sometimes come over all funny
So after the cash
I choose the whip and the lash
And being covered in fresh clover honey!
newsreader
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
Anita, newsreader, was hired
But sadly quite soon she was fired;
Those foreign place names
Tripped her tongue and her brains,
Tho her body was muchly admired.
POLICEMAN
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There once was a cop named Yopp
Who wanted all crime to stop
He would pull out his gun
Just to watch people run
And now he is pushing a mop
Next Porn Star
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
A certain young porn star named Lang
Was asked if he'd wiggle his thang
If he wouldn't be blamed.
"For sure," he exclaimed,
"It's sure to end things with a bang!"
Archbishop
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There was an archbishop named Jensen
Who caused quite a lot of tension
He had his way often
His tone he never did soften
It seems that tension was his intention.
Clock Maker
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
The clockmaker finished his piece on "time"
Which took him a week to get it to rhyme
That he was to have used
To keep him amused
On his timepiece accompanied with a chime.
Potter
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505
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Posted
Peter, a professional rotter,
Taught young ladies how to potter;
As they worked on his clay,
He would urge "All the way!"
And watch their jugs begin to totter.
Beautician
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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.
Posts: 7080 | From: Canberra Australia | Registered: Oct 2005
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I once knew a woman called Black
who loved to apply a mud pack
which dried like a rock
so she gave it a sock
with a hammer to get it to crack!
photographer
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
A paparazzi by the name Rossi
Took pictures for the magazine Glossi
With telephoto lens
Of female friends
Then blew them a kiss saying, "Grazie!"
[b]brewer[b]
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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