Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
No, no! That's the clutch, not the brake! And slow down, for my blood pressure's sake! I'm supposed to stay cool but each blithering fool makes me tremble and quiver and shake!
traffic policeman/woman
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
"Driving whilst answering the phone?" ' Where sir have I a dog and bone?' "Spotted are Ye On CCTV What's caught on film remains known!"
cemetery caretaker
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My tenants are really quite quiet, For peace is their permanent diet. No parties or raves To disturb or make waves - I rarely encounter a riot.
Road builder
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753
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Posted
Laying roads of asphalt and cement, Is the thing that makes me most content. Low budgets give cause, For each slowdown and pause- Ack! I think we've more potholes than pavement!
piano tuner
-------------------- We are punished by our sins, not for them. --Elbert Hubbard
Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Each key strikes three little strings; And all are quite self willed wee things. They plink and they plonk Till I'd happily bonk The lot of them into the wings.
ice cream seller
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
"I SCREAM" I said, loud as I could The kids all came out and stood Yelling, "ICE CREAM!" It was a dream Mid-winter - now that would be good.
salt pan worker [ 22. December 2012, 21:15: Message edited by: Pasco ]
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
We first let the sea water in then the sun, which is hotter than sin takes the water away and what's left is grey powder to be packed in a tin!
Health Spa hostess
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
With health spa hostess Loretta There's nobody who couldn't get betta As she massages feet You'd want to tweet "Burdens are lifted 'ere with 'Brunetta' !"
oil rig construction worker
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
It rocks in the stormy North Sea Whilst providing a living for me. But to get North Sea oil Is the cause of much toil And we really do work for our fee.
Wedding organiser
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
The bride wants a train ten feet long, the singer won't learn the right song, the napkins don't match, and I've lost a whole batch of confetti; it's all going wrong!
A & E (ER) triage nurse
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
You can't see a surgeon just yet Until I've been able to vet Your injury, dear, So come over here- It's nothing much; young bones soon set.
hospital porter
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
There was once a hosp. porter, Rikko Who hailed from his native Puerto Rico A great mover And patient remover Albeit prone to a touch of panico.
saw mill worker
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When the lumberjack cuts down the trees He sends them downriver to these Lusty young men Who season them then Cut them up, for varying fees.
wedding cake decorator
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Squiggles of icing like lace and flowers all over the place, tier upon tier of white beauty, a sheer triumph; patisserie ace.
heat detector installer (working here now, hence my lack of concentration!)
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
It's hot work but satisfyin' As it stops the workers cryin': Neither hot nor cold (Unless they're old) Once I've put the little 'eye' in.
Dog walker
-------------------- Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Walking the dogs keeps me fit Provided they walk and don't sit, For Ditzy and Daisy Are quite simply lazy And don't enjoy walking one bit.
Class music teacher
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
Do re mi .. fa so la ... so it goes. Oom pah pah ... tweet tweet tweet. Music flows Through the air, With mellifluous flair. Why we love this so much, no one knows.
M.P.
-------------------- "The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations." -- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My supporters all voted for me So now I've become an MP. It's sad that this shower Is given the power When actually we're all at sea.
Speaker of the House of Commons
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
When there's commotion in the house Speaketh I to 'commoners', "QUIET ALL! YOUSE Do keep your cool You're not at school! Behaving as it were towards your spouse?"
Runner - as in for a TV company
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Um...Pasco, I hate to sound dim....but not so sure what a Runner for a TV company is or does????
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I don't know either but then ignorance has never stopped me before!
In imitation of Sebastian Coe I always run heel-to-toe when the red light is lit I still do my bit but the picture will only show snow!
Foreign exchange trader
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Give me your Euros and Kroner You're buying, not being a donor And Dollars you'll get - The exchange rate is set, Should you feel like being a moaner.
charlady (domestic cleaner)
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
You can't see a surface for dust and de-cluttering's really a must; when I start a new job in the home of some slob I feel life is very unjust.
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I consider, chew over, and think, For my grey cells are quite in the pink. But sometimes I am, And don't give a damn; I am, that's the reason I think.
morning coffee
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
oops! "Pondering" is my sig, I forgot to put a new profession. But your limerick on it is great, jacobsen!
Then, perhaps still in the mindset of the haiku thread where you suggested "Hot chocolate," you suggest "morning coffee," which isn't a profession--but that's my fault for not keeping the rhythm going.
Can I change it to "morning coffee seller" ?
I warm up your hands and your gut with my brew, which is wonderful; but with some sugar and milk there is nowt of its ilk to jolt you right out of your rut.
policeman/woman
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Thanks for the compliment, Cara. I will try to stick to professions in future, having been vicariously warmed by the hot coffee.
policeman/woman
Society's guardians we, As you can quite easily see. We bang up the crooks Who are cooking the books, And all for a moderate fee.
worker on a tea plantation I just can't stay away from drink!
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As I set out tea picking each day I think of the folks far away just making a brew or perhaps tea for two; it can be made in many a way.
wildlife film cameraperson
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
A rampaging elephant ain't nice; Before standing in front, please think twice. It's tusks are quite long, And it is quite strong; Take care - you could end up on ice.
driving instructor
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
My first lesson today is nightmare, he's no brain and he doesn't much care; take the next right, no that's a red light! Did I really take this job as a dare?
airport baggage handler
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753
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Posted
As in line before boarding you stand, You may marvel at airplanes so grand. Safe your baggage is, surely, I'll see it stowed securely- To me, FRAGILE means "throw underhand"!
airport security screener
-------------------- We are punished by our sins, not for them. --Elbert Hubbard
Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
This luggage is huge ... weighs a ton. It's ugly, unwieldy, un-done. Why schlep so much cargo For two days in Chicago? I'll route it through Shanghai. For fun.
woops! jbohn egot here before me. Let's stick with
airport security screener [ 15. January 2013, 13:44: Message edited by: roybart ]
-------------------- "The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations." -- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
I couldn't help it - here's a two-for-one, with only a little overlapping material:
It's the new definition of "bored" As I scan, search and fondle this hoard Keep your needles in haystacks* And not in your butt cracks And our safety will be assured.
Because of that Bin Laden bloke, I scan, search, fondle, and poke Your grandmas and mothers, And so many others That are non-threats - boy, what a joke!
*An allusion to what these poor folks are tasked with finding.
Window Washer (i.e. on a high-rise or skyscraper)
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
This job is just full of delights; It's as well I've a good head for heights. What people find edible Is really incredible; I thought it was confined to nights!
hospital porter
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
Re: Airport security people (TSA in the US)- A slide show of things found by Airport security last year.
What are people thinking?
We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread, already in progress... per jacobsen,
hospital porter
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
I push gurneys from hither to yon, with patients half there and half gone, and must sometimes descend to where-heaven forfend!-- we all end up, toe-tags tied on.
office tea cart lady (a profession that no longer exists?)
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Master Tubby Bear
Shipmate
# 9739
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Posted
My worries are all existential Whilst peddling tea rudimental: Do people need me When there's Costa Coffee? It's enough to make you go mental.
Reality TV host
-------------------- In every I Love You there is a Goodbye
Posts: 391 | From: London, England | Registered: Jul 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
By cheating you must have made millions, If you'd had your way, 'twould be trillions. Admit, just to me,, Your guilt,on TV And you will be judged by the billions.
Supermarket delivery person using a van
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
Through the rain, through the sleet, through the snow, With your vittles I make my van go. It's not very artsy (my van needs some parts-ies!) But your groceries won't be a "no-show!"
Shark Tagger
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Master Tubby Bear
Shipmate
# 9739
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Posted
The sharks have the names "Princess Fi", "Cyndi", "Jill" and "Mary Lee" But when tagging these mothers Watch out for the others "Vindication" will have you for tea.
Lying cheating and utterly non-contrite ex-cyclist
-------------------- In every I Love You there is a Goodbye
Posts: 391 | From: London, England | Registered: Jul 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My name has developed a pong, Though most of the rest tagged along. Don't be a guilt vulture, 'Twas part of the culture; I did it, but it wasn't wrong.
hanging judge
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Though list’ning to lawyers is boring Enough to set judges to snoring, The job has this perk: You can sentence a jerk To a noose, which is neater than goring.
bronc rider
-------------------- Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that. Moon: Including what? Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie. Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Now which of us will trounce, As up and down I bounce? You'd think at this gait That I ought to lose weight, But I haven't discarded an ounce.
milkman (PC - milkperson)
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Master Tubby Bear
Shipmate
# 9739
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Posted
I get up unfeasibly early But you won't find me rude or surly For I'm resting my plates* Whilst you other shipmates Are entering the hurly-burly
* Cockney rhyming slang, me old china, and no mistake
Head cutter-offer for the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland [ 19. January 2013, 09:57: Message edited by: Master Tubby Bear ]
-------------------- In every I Love You there is a Goodbye
Posts: 391 | From: London, England | Registered: Jul 2005
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EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091
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Posted
"Go, cut it off!", is what I said. "Your majesty, you mean his head?" "Yes!! You've got me vexed; So you'll be the next!" At that, the axeman off and fled!
A poker player
-------------------- You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis
Posts: 3625 | From: South Coast of England | Registered: Sep 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I keep the stern face of a broker So people will know I'm no joker. With demeanour hard I make my discard, But should mention, we're playing strip poker.
Croupier
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
I see life at a bitter extreme; gamblers will not relinquish the dream. Two good dice, one bad card-- fortunes made, or lives marred; yet I stay on the casino's team.
motorcycle courier
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I weave through the traffic so fast That people stare after, aghast For speed makes me quiver With pleasure, and shiver, For fear that my luck cannot last.
bank teller
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Master Tubby Bear
Shipmate
# 9739
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Posted
I'm ready to hand out some cash But people prefer to dash To the hole in the wall It's so impersonawl Come inside, let me handle your stash
Sigmoidoscopist
-------------------- In every I Love You there is a Goodbye
Posts: 391 | From: London, England | Registered: Jul 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I do it, but what does it mean? I search for a meaning on screen, Though I look around, No answer is found, So really, how can I be keen?
cross channel ferry pilot
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Master Tubby Bear
Shipmate
# 9739
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by jacobsen: I do it, but what does it mean? I search for a meaning on screen, Though I look around, No answer is found, So really, how can I be keen?
What does it mean? One whose professional time is spent doing sigmoidoscopies. Back to the cross channel ferry pilot ...
Posts: 391 | From: London, England | Registered: Jul 2005
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