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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
These burgers are nothing but fat.
I pat them until they are flat,
Then, without a care,
Flip them in the air
And hope they don't land on the mat.
Public lavatory attendant
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I keep the place sparkly clean
and scrub out the writings obscene;
I polish and shine
all day before nine
and my brass has a wondrous sheen.
Bishop
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
It helps to be a man;
Not something a woman can!
But, fellas, just wait,
At no distant date
We'll achieve th'episcopal plan.
music department administrator
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When the teachers wouldn't work to my scale
I set about them all with a flail;
that gave me a buzz
but they called in the fuzz.
Now I'm hoping the judge will grant bail.
School canteen/cafeteria assistant
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Food fight! Oh, do cease and desist
from lobbing your lunch! I insist
that you stop all this screaming
and running, and teeming--
no-one listens. I'm off. Won't be missed.
goose quill maker
(Hoping historical professions count. Or do calligraphers still use quills?)
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My feather I found in a field.
'Twas one that a seagull did yield.
I clipped, cut and cleft it,
Dipped in ink, wrote and left it,
And sent off my letter, wax sealed.
(Myself as a nine-year-old giving the old ways a try. Without a nib the result was messy and my history teacher was not impressed.)
The birds are profligate
With feathers to this date.
They look very sweet,
And write quite a treat,
And each has a steel nib for mate.
(The more professional approach)
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
Mayday! Mayday! We have no follow-on profession from our veteran jacobsen!
(I'd have PM'd jacobsen but yesterday was May 1 and I wanted to riff a sick pun off of that... I'll get my coat, I can see myself out.)
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By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I'll take street sweeper as the theme for the next one:
As I sweep all the streets of my town
I find I have gained some renown
but what I find galling,
if not quite appalling
is that really I should've been a clown!
Golf professional
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Sorry, chaps. I'll try to remember...
My woods and my clubs are the best,
And practicing gives me no rest.
For though my ball's seen
Flying far up the green
To hole it in one is the test.
opera singer
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As I sing my way all through The Ring
In winter or autumn or spring
I always eat lots,
Not just for the plot
But so you can hear the fat lady sing!
travel agent
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
In liquidation - that's us
No point in making a fuss.
Though stranded in France,
And led a right dance,
You'll just have to come back by bus.
debt collector
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
If you owe money me and the boys
will come round and give you a choice
we work as a team
(we love hearing you scream)
but people, to us, are just toys!
ship designer
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
The pointy end in front
Is easy, to be blunt.
But getting it right
So it sails through the night
Demands rather more than a punt.
Call centre operative
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The script I'm given to use
gives so many people the blues;
it sounds far too glib
but I cannot ad-lib
so I bear with the customers' abuse.
bank note forger
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
The Mint is just getting too smart,
interfering with my sublime art;
holograms and fine chips
in the paper--small slips
are too obvious now; I'll depart.
cobbler
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Don't throw your old shoes in the bin,
Though they may be holey and thin.
Just give them to me,
And for a small fee
A new lease of life they will win.
music publisher
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The stuff by folks like Mozart
we sell by the ton, by the cart
but we don't publish Rap
because it's just crap;
do they seriously think that it's art?
political cartoonist
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My visual wit is quite sharp
For no one's an angel with harp.
I double the size
Of their nose or their eyes
And dare the poor victim to carp.
rap singer
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
What! They say that my stuff in not art?! ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
And I don't sing - let's get that for a start!
My street-savvy rhymes
reflect themes of my times!
And for Mozart I don't give a fart!
Elvis impersonator
[ 15. May 2013, 19:15: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
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By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
The hard part is really the hair,
to get it just right; and a flare
in my white studded trews
with-- of course-- blue suede shoes,
and I'm Elvis! And so debonair.
ETA next profession: parmigiano cheese maker
[ 16. May 2013, 12:14: Message edited by: Cara ]
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
It's got to mature for a year
And is better with wine than with beer.
From my market stall
To you, one and all-
I'll sell at a price that's quite dear
designer of computer games
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
The point of the game, so you think,
is to pass all the levels in a blink
and to gain points and win.
No! It's to suck you right in
so you're addicted, as a drunk is to drink.
[scansion not great, sorry.]
maker of horns (hooters) for cars
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Let's face it, we all like to toot
So I'll never be given the boot.
Be it raucous or shrill
There'll be one that will thrill,
Though its quality verge on the moot.
sign painter
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
It's an ancient, respectable craft;
I paint hanging pub signs, fore and aft,
also shop names and numbers
for grocers and plumbers,
mixing elegance with good hard graft.
dermatologist
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Let's face it: the skin that you're in
(Due to acne, sunburn, and gin)
Needs legions of help,
So kindly don't yelp
When treatments cost more than a pin!
Stage magician
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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cross eyed bear
Shipmate
# 13977
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Posted
Wave a wand and the sunflower grows
A cute rabbit's in all of my shows
If you don't laugh
I'll cut you in half
But I'll have to read up how that goes
Piano tuner
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"One false step in my direction, you'd better believe in the resurrection" Stillgoe & Skellern's "Mrs Beamish"
Posts: 120 | From: Southern Germany | Registered: Jul 2008
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Your piano's a source of cacaphony
Rather than comforting harmony.
If that's what you seek,
I'll give it a tweak
You'll get the harmony, I - money.
car mechanic
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
"I suppose it could be the speedometer
Or the fuse or that old dynamometer."
Said the man with a frown,
As he narrowed it down.
"So let's start with a brand-new tachometer."
Fast food chef
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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
My burgers I neatly can flip
and I fry a most succulent chip;
with all this, and soda
you'll quickly get older
and fatter at quite a fast clip.
translator
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Pewter
Apprentice
# 16308
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Posted
I had Google translating this verse
From the English to French and reverse
Many grammar it wronged
And as well didn't rhymed
But the input I writ was the worse
chocolatier
Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2011
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
We build up our courage to fight
With this sweet, be it dark, milk or white.
When it's hot as a drink
I really do think
It gives us unequalled delight.
plasterer
[ 12. August 2013, 14:47: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged
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would love to belong
Shipmate
# 16747
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Posted
There was once a plasterer called Paul
Who was famously quick with a wall
But one day he was loose with his tool
In a flash he had lost his cool
And now finds that he's minus a ball.
Air steward
[ 12. August 2013, 21:04: Message edited by: would love to belong ]
Posts: 331 | From: Lost and confused | Registered: Oct 2011
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
As I demonstrate safety in th'air
I hope you'll look up from your chair.
But interest will die
The oftener you fly
Which makes me more prone to despair.
gardener
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
When the blossoms get fewer and fewer
I know it is time to procure
from a barn or a stable,
wherever I'm able,
a good healthy load of manure.
potter
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Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
A lump of clay on a turntable
Is for potter to tend and enable
Shape and Form
That'll transform
Into a work of art with a label?
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
bill-board walker
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
I thought this was dead
But it seems to have revived
Well, I killed it now.
Thread CLOSED
—Ariston, limerick-challenged Circus Host
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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