Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
whilst tending my flock one night i watched an incredible sight along came the ram who couldn't give a dam but his act that night was topflight
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
oops
squash player
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
A squash player by name Ken Lumpkin Got confused and picked up a pumpkin The notes wouldn't come So he had to hum Which makes you sound like a chump, Ken
Next up: Hell Host
-------------------- If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?
Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The Hell Hosts are sweet and they're cute but sadly they are none of them mute they swear and they cuss at poor souls like us but their arguments are hard to refute.
Bit part film actors
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Bit part film actors from LA Have to wait around all day Just to say, "hello" (My dear fellow Wished we had a bit more say)
Carpet layer
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A gay carpet-layer named Pat [I'm sure you know all about that] had a boyfriend who was called Matthew; Pat loved to lie on his Matt!
Fishmonger
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
The Fishmongers put on a show You know how it's going to go Thus sang the chorus: There's a plaice for us I'll get me bloater and go.
Pharmacist
-------------------- “Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Tablets sold by a Pharmacist Dispensed with the chemist Now not needed And gadget heeded Irony here's not to be missed.
Bicycle repair man
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pewter
Apprentice
# 16308
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Posted
A repairer of cycles called Bryant Had a customer who was reliant Stopping by to be pumped And his business soon jumped - Word got out he was stocking a Giant
disc jockey [ 06. August 2012, 06:49: Message edited by: Pewter ]
Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A DJ who liked playing old tunes for breakfast always ate prunes; the same every day in the regular way and spent his spare time studying runes.
Bank clerk
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
A Bank Clerk from Newark Worked his socks off at work Unlike his bosses Who incurred losses Their bonuses made him go berserk Trainee Basketball Coach
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Whilst learning to teach about jumping the guy was caught trying humping with another man's wife; it led to some strife and now at the gas station he's pumping!
psychiatrist
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
With pencil to pad he did think, How his client's head he could shrink, Still, neurosis so terrible, Made the pressure unbearable, "I need a really stiff drink!"
(Such would likely be the fate of any poor chap who tried to untangle my brain...!)
Chicken sexer [ 09. August 2012, 13:42: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
A new chicken-sexer called Dick Was probing the bits of a chick When he began sneezing and coughing and wheezing He said, "Alas! I'm allergic!"
Dustman/garbage collector
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A garbage collector from Brum was rather too fond of his rum, when he ran for the truck he was plain out of luck and landed flat on his bum!
Software engineer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
An engineer (Software) who hacked the hard drives of the old Warsaw Pact Was found by his bosses to be "on the sauce". His employers then told him, "You're sacked!"
Long-distance runner
-------------------- I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander. alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When running a marathon in York I suddenly stepped on a fork which pierced through my shoe, the air turned quite blue and I honestly felt like a dork!
jockey
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
To control his weight, a jockey Tried to survive on just gnochi. When he tired of taters He tried eating gators, Which left his spectators all gawky.
American Vice-presidential candidate
-------------------- TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
American vice presidential candidate Is brought in as running mate To close the game And find some fame Though hoping it isn't via XYZ-gate.
IOC official[
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
An IOC official from Spain was one day travelling by train from Moscow to Murmansk, which caused him some angst, and the whole way it p***ed down with rain!
Ambulance Driver
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
A meat-wagon driver in Crete, Spent hours looking for the right street. His siren a-blaring, He soon stopped caring- And parked at a pub, in defeat.
-------------------- Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
Sorry- new one:
Brain Surgeon
-------------------- Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Garasu
Shipmate
# 17152
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Posted
A cranial techician complained That she found herself rather constrained For she said her aneurysm Was really confusin' But she hoped that the bleed was constrained
-------------------- "Could I believe in the doctrine without believing in the deity?". - Modesitt, L. E., Jr., 1943- Imager.
Posts: 889 | From: Surrey Heath (England) | Registered: Jun 2012
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Garasu
Shipmate
# 17152
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Posted
Apologies for the repetition...
*Wanders off to revise...*
-------------------- "Could I believe in the doctrine without believing in the deity?". - Modesitt, L. E., Jr., 1943- Imager.
Posts: 889 | From: Surrey Heath (England) | Registered: Jun 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A student revising in hall called a halt and went to the ball; he drank lots of beer fell down on his rear and told lots of stories, some tall.
Fighter pilot
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Riding aloft into the stratosphere In his mean flying machine, hear The thundering roar To strike at foe Is Fighter Pilot's mission to instil fear.
(You cannot be Syria-s?)
Mars Rover Operator
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Driving from a long way away is scary but mostly okay; but little green men appear now and then on the screen waving lethal death ray!
Chartered Accountant
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
You count all the numbers and then You check them again and again. And again. And again. And again and again, And again and again and again.
Supermarket Shelf-stackers
(And in case you don't think that qulaifies as a profession, tell me - do you know any amateur supermarket shelf-stackers?)
(codefix) [ 13. August 2012, 15:40: Message edited by: Ariston ]
-------------------- In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
P.S. "You fill all the shelves up and then...." is plagiarism, if not cheating. [ 13. August 2012, 14:51: Message edited by: pimple ]
-------------------- In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A supermarket shelf-stacker called Ben whilst working used to think about men; John, Peter or Paul he thought of them all but mostly of his boyfriend called Ken.
[no relation to any shipmate]
Waiter in an Italian restaurant
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
Giuseppe would sing as he worked - No pizza or pasta was shirked Every "O sole mio" Delivered con brio But as he was tone-deaf, it irked.
Garden waste recycling operative
-------------------- In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The person who makes your compost does it at a big personal cost he does it so well the results are quite swell. Now is that a worthy riposte?
Airline Flight Assistant [ 13. August 2012, 15:18: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
She smiles and says "Welcome aboard!" And assesses this very bored hoard of glassy-eyed travelers crying babies and cavillers who just want to yank on her cord!
Chimney sweep
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
The sweep came to clean my flue but he clearly did not have a clue he said cos he was all of a rush that he had forgotten his brush but instead could he flush my loo
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
oops
car park attendant
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As I helped a guy park his Beemer his boyfriend, a bit of a screamer, told me he's from Peru, which I never knew; I think he's originally from Lima.
Rocket Scientist
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
he said the ship will get us to uranus after that i will be very famous the secret is the fuel which i think is so cool packed tight with farts from my anus
lion tamer
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As he walked in he patted the cat which turned round and bit off his hat, his head went as well, which wasn't so swell, and now the cat's looking quite fat!
cowboy
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
He leaped for the saddle, which sadly wasn't there, And he impaled his pecker in the old grey mare. The mare gave a high kick And out popped his trapped prick, Causing all of the rodeo spectators to stare.
Antiques auctioneer
-------------------- TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
A.N. Teak (Absolutely Not Teak?) Auctioneer Made a killing off of old veneer, "Old is pure gold Lot must be sold" The hoarders fall for it with a cheer
Lighthouse keeper
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Morlader
Shipmate
# 16040
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Posted
A lighthouse keeper called Fred Now stays at home in bed. 'Cause automation Pays out his pension; But he still longs for Trevose Head
Pasty maker
-------------------- .. to utmost west.
Posts: 858 | From: Not England | Registered: Nov 2010
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A young pasty maker from Looe made pasties with outsides bright blue; the insides were green which was really obscene. No surprise that he sold very few.
Diplomat
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
the old diplomat he was so shrewd say something wrong he just booed but if he got in a scrap he'd win with his crap in fact he was one cool dude
country bumpkin
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
An old country bumpkin called Seth spent half of his life chasing Beth. They were terribly happy as mammy and pappy Until separated by death.
veterinarian
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Sir John Barker who operated on pet Was not in fact your average vet Surgeon to top dogs And underdogs Is marrying fellow canine he met.
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Jailor
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
There once was an old salt, a sailor who retired to become the towns jailor but the single bottle of ale he charged prisoners as bail meant as a jailor the sailor was a failure!
Shorthand typist
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
she sat alone in the typing pool but this lady was nobody's fool when asked 'type this draft' she replied 'don't be daft' i'm on strike and working to rule
office bimbo
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Whilst applying her make up at work, more onerous tasks for to shirk, she caught someone's eye but he was too shy; she thought he was really a berk!
racing driver
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
he came screaming around the last lap a win here, what a feather in his cap but as he took the last bend took the road to southend oh why did he not bring a map
driving test examiner
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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