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Source: (consider it) Thread: Limericks by Profession
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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whilst tending my flock one night
i watched an incredible sight
along came the ram
who couldn't give a dam
but his act that night was topflight

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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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oops

squash player

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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275

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A squash player by name Ken Lumpkin
Got confused and picked up a pumpkin
The notes wouldn't come
So he had to hum
Which makes you sound like a chump, Ken

Next up: Hell Host

--------------------
If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The Hell Hosts are sweet and they're cute
but sadly they are none of them mute
they swear and they cuss
at poor souls like us
but their arguments are hard to refute.

Bit part film actors

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Bit part film actors from LA
Have to wait around all day
Just to say, "hello"
(My dear fellow
Wished we had a bit more say)

Carpet layer

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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A gay carpet-layer named Pat
[I'm sure you know all about that]
had a boyfriend who
was called Matthew;
Pat loved to lie on his Matt!

Fishmonger

--------------------
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Fancy a break in South India?
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What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290

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The Fishmongers put on a show
You know how it's going to go
Thus sang the chorus:
There's a plaice for us
I'll get me bloater and go.

Pharmacist

--------------------
“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Tablets sold by a Pharmacist
Dispensed with the chemist
Now not needed
And gadget heeded
Irony here's not to be missed.

Bicycle repair man

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Pewter
Apprentice
# 16308

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A repairer of cycles called Bryant
Had a customer who was reliant
Stopping by to be pumped
And his business soon jumped -
Word got out he was stocking a Giant


disc jockey

[ 06. August 2012, 06:49: Message edited by: Pewter ]

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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A DJ who liked playing old tunes
for breakfast always ate prunes;
the same every day
in the regular way
and spent his spare time studying runes.

Bank clerk

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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A Bank Clerk from Newark
Worked his socks off at work
Unlike his bosses
Who incurred losses
Their bonuses made him go berserk
 
Trainee Basketball Coach

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Whilst learning to teach about jumping
the guy was caught trying humping
with another man's wife;
it led to some strife
and now at the gas station he's pumping!

psychiatrist

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053

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With pencil to pad he did think,
How his client's head he could shrink,
Still, neurosis so terrible,
Made the pressure unbearable,
"I need a really stiff drink!"

(Such would likely be the fate of any poor chap who tried to untangle my brain...!)


Chicken sexer

[ 09. August 2012, 13:42: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]

--------------------
By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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A new chicken-sexer called Dick
Was probing the bits of a chick
When he began sneezing
and coughing and wheezing
He said, "Alas! I'm allergic!"

Dustman/garbage collector

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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A garbage collector from Brum
was rather too fond of his rum,
when he ran for the truck
he was plain out of luck
and landed flat on his bum!


Software engineer

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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An engineer (Software) who hacked
the hard drives of the old Warsaw Pact
Was found by his bosses
to be "on the sauce". His
employers then told him, "You're sacked!"

Long-distance runner

--------------------
I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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When running a marathon in York
I suddenly stepped on a fork
which pierced through my shoe,
the air turned quite blue
and I honestly felt like a dork!


jockey

--------------------
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Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783

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To control his weight, a jockey
Tried to survive on just gnochi.
When he tired of taters
He tried eating gators,
Which left his spectators all gawky.

American Vice-presidential candidate

--------------------
TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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American vice presidential candidate
Is brought in as running mate
To close the game
And find some fame
Though hoping it isn't via XYZ-gate.


IOC official[

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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An IOC official from Spain
was one day travelling by train
from Moscow to Murmansk,
which caused him some angst,
and the whole way it p***ed down with rain!


Ambulance Driver

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451

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A meat-wagon driver in Crete,
Spent hours looking for the right street.
His siren a-blaring,
He soon stopped caring-
And parked at a pub, in defeat.

--------------------
Oinkster

"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)

Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451

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Sorry- new one:

Brain Surgeon

--------------------
Oinkster

"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)

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Garasu
Shipmate
# 17152

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A cranial techician complained
That she found herself rather constrained
For she said her aneurysm
Was really confusin'
But she hoped that the bleed was constrained

--------------------
"Could I believe in the doctrine without believing in the deity?". - Modesitt, L. E., Jr., 1943- Imager.

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Garasu
Shipmate
# 17152

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Apologies for the repetition...

*Wanders off to revise...*

--------------------
"Could I believe in the doctrine without believing in the deity?". - Modesitt, L. E., Jr., 1943- Imager.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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A student revising in hall
called a halt and went to the ball;
he drank lots of beer
fell down on his rear
and told lots of stories, some tall.


Fighter pilot

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Riding aloft into the stratosphere
In his mean flying machine, hear
The thundering roar
To strike at foe
Is Fighter Pilot's mission to instil fear.

(You cannot be Syria-s?)

Mars Rover Operator

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Driving from a long way away
is scary but mostly okay;
but little green men
appear now and then
on the screen waving lethal death ray!


Chartered Accountant

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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pimple

Ship's Irruption
# 10635

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You count all the numbers and then
You check them again and again.
And again. And again.
And again and again,
And again and again and again.

Supermarket Shelf-stackers

(And in case you don't think that qulaifies as a profession, tell me - do you know any amateur supermarket shelf-stackers?)

(codefix)

[ 13. August 2012, 15:40: Message edited by: Ariston ]

--------------------
In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

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pimple

Ship's Irruption
# 10635

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P.S. "You fill all the shelves up and then...." is plagiarism, if not cheating.

[ 13. August 2012, 14:51: Message edited by: pimple ]

--------------------
In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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A supermarket shelf-stacker called Ben
whilst working used to think about men;
John, Peter or Paul
he thought of them all
but mostly of his boyfriend called Ken.

[no relation to any shipmate]


Waiter in an Italian restaurant

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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pimple

Ship's Irruption
# 10635

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Giuseppe would sing as he worked -
No pizza or pasta was shirked
Every "O sole mio"
Delivered con brio
But as he was tone-deaf, it irked.

Garden waste recycling operative

--------------------
In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The person who makes your compost
does it at a big personal cost
he does it so well
the results are quite swell.
Now is that a worthy riposte?


Airline Flight Assistant

[ 13. August 2012, 15:18: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053

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She smiles and says "Welcome aboard!"
And assesses this very bored hoard
of glassy-eyed travelers
crying babies and cavillers
who just want to yank on her cord!

Chimney sweep

--------------------
By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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The sweep came to clean my flue
but he clearly did not have a clue
he said cos he was all of a rush
that he had forgotten his brush
but instead could he flush my loo

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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oops

car park attendant

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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As I helped a guy park his Beemer
his boyfriend, a bit of a screamer,
told me he's from Peru,
which I never knew;
I think he's originally from Lima.


Rocket Scientist

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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he said the ship will get us to uranus
after that i will be very famous
the secret is the fuel
which i think is so cool
packed tight with farts from my anus



lion tamer

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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As he walked in he patted the cat
which turned round and bit off his hat,
his head went as well,
which wasn't so swell,
and now the cat's looking quite fat!


cowboy

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783

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He leaped for the saddle, which sadly wasn't there,
And he impaled his pecker in the old grey mare.
The mare gave a high kick
And out popped his trapped prick,
Causing all of the rodeo spectators to stare.

Antiques auctioneer

--------------------
TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)

Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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A.N. Teak (Absolutely Not Teak?) Auctioneer
Made a killing off of old veneer,
"Old is pure gold
Lot must be sold"
The hoarders fall for it with a cheer

Lighthouse keeper

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Morlader
Shipmate
# 16040

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A lighthouse keeper called Fred
Now stays at home in bed.
'Cause automation
Pays out his pension;
But he still longs for Trevose Head

Pasty maker

--------------------
.. to utmost west.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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A young pasty maker from Looe
made pasties with outsides bright blue;
the insides were green
which was really obscene.
No surprise that he sold very few.


Diplomat

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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the old diplomat he was so shrewd
say something wrong he just booed
but if he got in a scrap
he'd win with his crap
in fact he was one cool dude


country bumpkin

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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An old country bumpkin called Seth
spent half of his life chasing Beth.
They were terribly happy
as mammy and pappy
Until separated by death.


veterinarian

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Sir John Barker who operated on pet
Was not in fact your average vet
Surgeon to top dogs
And underdogs
Is marrying fellow canine he met.

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Jailor
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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There once was an old salt, a sailor
who retired to become the towns jailor
but the single bottle of ale
he charged prisoners as bail
meant as a jailor the sailor was a failure!


Shorthand typist

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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she sat alone in the typing pool
but this lady was nobody's fool
when asked 'type this draft'
she replied 'don't be daft'
i'm on strike and working to rule


office bimbo

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Whilst applying her make up at work,
more onerous tasks for to shirk,
she caught someone's eye
but he was too shy;
she thought he was really a berk!


racing driver

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What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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he came screaming around the last lap
a win here, what a feather in his cap
but as he took the last bend
took the road to southend
oh why did he not bring a map


driving test examiner

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged



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