Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I take valium before I begin and after I'll have a large GIN; most people I meet in car or in street, don't realise bad driving's a sin!
lawyer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Message to those with pockets deep Services here don't come cheap It's win win win Where to begin! As winner takes all (moi), I soundly sleep.
Time share rep
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Is 5 Across getting you down or 7 Down making you frown then please to blame me because, don't you see, the tougher the more my renown.
wedding photographer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
Ah! To capture the beauty and bliss Of the young couple's joyous first kiss! How wondrous, you see, no matter how twee, As long as the shot isn't missed!
Amusement park ride attendant
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Hurry up now, two to a car; sit well back, hold on to the bar; if a holding pin breaks whilst you spin I think you'll all travel quite far!
Mr Universe contestant - not me!
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
A muscular fella named Jack Was proud of his lovely six-pack He'd not much of a brain* And was terribly vain But his beauty made up for this lack.
*Disclaimer: the only body-builder I've ever known personally also had a PhD
Olympic medallist
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
In the Olympics he did rather well, he led all the way from the bell, however in life he created much strife; I may meet him one day in Hell.
cheque[check] book journalist
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
As you have such a story to tell Thought to give you a tinkle, a bell This one's of gold Are we now sold? Our circulation it will help to propel.
Professional Mourner
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
For money I'll weep and wail, I'll mourn up hill and down dale; for suitable cash my teeth I shall gnash and rend garments I bought in a sale.
Quiz compiler
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
'Need help with your quizzes?' asks Ben, 'I can give you a stsrter for ten. Just yell "Ben! We need ya!" and, like an encyclopedia, I'll supply "Who?" "Where?" "How?" "Why?" and "When?" '
Museum curator
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Curios from olde assembled here Are from a bygone age to revere Lo I'm now 'past it' Aka retire in a bit Ex Curators gather to welcome a peer.
Orator
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The thing about giving a speech is the need to amuse and to teach; don't try to harangue they won't give a dang; keep it short and they'll think it's a peach!
Florist
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
"I live for my flowers", he said. 'Specially bouquets for the dead. They're fine in the nave, And, out on the grave; But, give me cheap plastic instead.
-------------------- Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
Concert violinist
sorry I forgot.
-------------------- Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When I stand on the stage with my fiddle I stay calm by thinking if Sid'll remember to bring his baton-ey thing; if he does we'll be posed with a riddle!
traffic policeman
[spelling, as usual] [ 27. August 2012, 10:41: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
If you're zooming along the M4 At speeds of a hundred or more, If you answer your phone, You're drunk, or you're stoned, I'll be there: the strong arm of the law.
Lion-tamer
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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QLib
Bad Example
# 43
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Posted
I were called out to Clacton-on-Sea, 'Cos a lion was seen 'neath a tree Or so someone thought, But me – I saw nought, So it's back to the circus for tea.
D-i-Y shop assistant
-------------------- Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.
Posts: 8913 | From: Page 28 | Registered: May 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Now if you're looking for screws you may have heard on the news they're now Euro-sized; oh, you look surprised I hope I haven't given you the blues.
meteorologist
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
A meteorologist from LA Had nothing much to say "Skies are clear Am off to have beer Tomorrow the same, hooray."
Seer
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When practicing the craft of prediction it is sometimes my predilection to gaze at the stars from the insides of bars using spirits for some inspiration!
Taxi driver
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753
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Posted
Whilst driving taxis through Benghazi, Smith said, "Buses- they just make me crazy- The damned things, you see, Are as slow as can be, And I really must go to the khazi!"
Locksmith [ 28. August 2012, 14:57: Message edited by: jbohn ]
-------------------- We are punished by our sins, not for them. --Elbert Hubbard
Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
If you're wanting a skeleton key The fella you should call is me, I'll soon get one cut - Case opened and shut - For a not unaffordable fee.
Poet
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The thing that takes all the time is finding a suitable rhyme for I think blank verse can't really get worse; in fact I think it's a crime!
Cat Burglar
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
The theme for my next little ditty Must needs be the theft of a kitty When brought to my knees By a stolen Siamese It's hard to write anything witty.
(Deliberately obtuse? Me?)
Football [soccer] referee [ 28. August 2012, 16:43: Message edited by: Pia ]
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
An attention whore covered in stripes Is that at which the crowd often gripes. Bold, he holds up one hand, Makes a statement quite bland; He himself is the product he hypes.
Ship's advertising designer
-------------------- TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Ship’s advertising designer, a polyglot Cartoonist, humourist, artist, the lot Simon’s the name Without the sirname No. 1 that is - who never loses the plot.
Metal worker
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Though some think I'm not really the sort I find metal working really good sport; I heat and I bend, long hours I spend but I try not to get over-wrought!
revivalist preacher [ 29. August 2012, 03:41: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Revivalist preacher of the TV age Appears on God (TV) an affluent sage Targeting the poor Whom they lure To sponsor the good life backstage ?
Skyscraper steel-walker/errector
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
When walking the girders on high it's like being up in the sky; we hop and we prance, we've been known to dance, but we still don't think we can fly.
Website designer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
For a fee I'll make you a page I said my work is all the rage when I ask what your selling you say your not telling and your not going to pay me a wage
Rented house landlord
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The location is just right for you; it is near to the schools, church and zoo. Sure the garden may flood and turn into mud but the rent is too good to be true!
check-out clerk in a supermarket
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
I've been here since a quarter to eight Scanning goods at a furious rate And it feels now that I Will be here till I die. Can I really deserve such a fate?
Saggar maker's bottom knocker
-------------------- My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As a Saggar maker's bottom knocker I rarely have time to play soccer but when the day's at an end and I want to unbend I have a new life as a rocker!
Weaver
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
here I sit at my old loom not too happy full of gloom trying to spin a yard of yarn in my place we call the barn fear this place will be my tomb
Blacksmith
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
It's clang on the iron and wham Which isn't wham bam, thank you Ma'am! At least I can bend The stuff to my end, Which wouldn't be true of the femme.
Postman
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As I cycle around on my round there is something important I've found; the blessed Royal Mail is certain to fail if a postman is scared of a hound!
cold-calling salesperson
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
Good day,can I show you my wares yes they are rubbish but who cares Oh, your dressed in your nightie and I'm feeling flighty can I demonstrate my product upstairs
Bookbinder
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
We have paper or cloth or stiff board, lots of options here in our hoard, this quality leather is light as a feather and makes bindings fit for a lord!
motorcycle mechanic [ 07. September 2012, 02:28: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753
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Posted
Your recent spill out on the motorway, Has caused your bike's handling to go astray. No worries, my dear, No reason to fear, For a reasonable sum, problems go away.
amusement park ride operator
-------------------- We are punished by our sins, not for them. --Elbert Hubbard
Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
Come ride on the helter skelter as a ride you'll find it a belter get sat on that mat you'll fly like a bat so fast your undies will swelter
Lifeguard
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Are you waving or drowning, my dear? If the latter, there's no need to fear. You may scream, you may bawl But the pow'r of my crawl Will bring me in time - I am here!
Dustbin man (Trash collector) [ 08. September 2012, 15:33: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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beachcomber
Shipmate
# 17294
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Posted
There once was a bin man from Kent Whose vital equipment got bent. Unloading still fun Once he'd begun. That adventurous dust-man half spent.
Sex therapist
-------------------- Helen-Eva:'This is all really interesting and intensely confusing stuff and I am now bewildered in a much more informed way than I was before.'
Posts: 144 | From: bagdad cafe | Registered: Aug 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Your testimonials dusty? Tackle increasingly rusty? Now me- I'm no slouch: Let's lie on my couch: You'll rise again if you just trust me.
Income tax inspector
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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beachcomber
Shipmate
# 17294
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Posted
Let me inspect your entry and check that all b fine
Let me check your ins and outs - that nothings left behind.
Double entry s nothing on me.
That's what the desk s for.
Montessori teacher [ 08. September 2012, 18:25: Message edited by: beachcomber ]
-------------------- Helen-Eva:'This is all really interesting and intensely confusing stuff and I am now bewildered in a much more informed way than I was before.'
Posts: 144 | From: bagdad cafe | Registered: Aug 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Beachcomber, sure as I'm alive A limerick always has five lines; though you're small You can master them all If you have but the requisite drive.
Bus driver
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
Host Fez ON! Jacobsen, junior hosting is rather frowned upon. In fact, it's not allowed. Knock it off, mmmkay? Beachcomber, I know you've been told on previous occasions to read the rules in the opening post before posting on threads in the Circus. Please, please, please do this in the future, in every thread you might post on. Please. Host fez off.
And I apologize for this not being in limerick. [ 08. September 2012, 21:36: Message edited by: Ariston ]
-------------------- “Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
Some say that my job must be boring Always on the same route: never touring But it means I can keep The bus going while asleep As long as I don't begin snoring.
Next up: professional limerick writer
-------------------- If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?
Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
(Apologies, Ariston. Sometimes I take my fun too seriously)
A limerick writer, as pro, Must understand rhyming, and so Will struggle and fight To get the thing right, So readers will shout Way to go!
Used car salesperson
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Buy from me for I'm honest Joe The car I sell really do go; some just go BANG! and others you'll prang. Cash only is the way that I know.
seamstress
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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