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Source: (consider it) Thread: Limericks by Profession
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I take valium before I begin
and after I'll have a large GIN;
most people I meet
in car or in street,
don't realise bad driving's a sin!


lawyer

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Message to those with pockets deep
Services here don't come cheap
It's win win win
Where to begin!
As winner takes all (moi), I soundly sleep.


Time share rep

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
kankucho
Shipmate
# 14318

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In search of the sun, I went saaf.
On returning, 'twas really no laugh
To find my all-over tan
Marred by one patch of wan
Where a sales rep was wrapped round my calf.


Crossword compiler

--------------------
"We are a way for the cosmos to know itself" – Dr. Carl Sagan
Kankucho Bird Blues

Posts: 1262 | From: Kuon-ganjo, E17 | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Is 5 Across getting you down
or 7 Down making you frown
then please to blame me
because, don't you see,
the tougher the more my renown.


wedding photographer

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053

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Ah! To capture the beauty and bliss
Of the young couple's joyous first kiss!
How wondrous, you see,
no matter how twee,
As long as the shot isn't missed!

Amusement park ride attendant

--------------------
By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Hurry up now, two to a car;
sit well back, hold on to the bar;
if a holding pin
breaks whilst you spin
I think you'll all travel quite far!


Mr Universe contestant - not me!

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277

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A muscular fella named Jack
Was proud of his lovely six-pack
He'd not much of a brain*
And was terribly vain
But his beauty made up for this lack.


*Disclaimer: the only body-builder I've ever known personally also had a PhD

Olympic medallist

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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In the Olympics he did rather well,
he led all the way from the bell,
however in life
he created much strife;
I may meet him one day in Hell.


cheque[check] book journalist

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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As you have such a story to tell
Thought to give you a tinkle, a bell
This one's of gold
Are we now sold?
Our circulation it will help to propel.


Professional Mourner

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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For money I'll weep and wail,
I'll mourn up hill and down dale;
for suitable cash
my teeth I shall gnash
and rend garments I bought in a sale.


Quiz compiler

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277

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'Need help with your quizzes?' asks Ben,
'I can give you a stsrter for ten.
Just yell "Ben! We need ya!"
and, like an encyclopedia,
I'll supply "Who?" "Where?" "How?" "Why?" and "When?" '

Museum curator

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Curios from olde assembled here
Are from a bygone age to revere
Lo I'm now 'past it'
Aka retire in a bit
Ex Curators gather to welcome a peer.

Orator

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The thing about giving a speech
is the need to amuse and to teach;
don't try to harangue
they won't give a dang;
keep it short and they'll think it's a peach!


Florist

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451

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"I live for my flowers", he said.
'Specially bouquets for the dead.
They're fine in the nave,
And, out on the grave;
But, give me cheap plastic instead.

--------------------
Oinkster

"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)

Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451

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Concert violinist

sorry I forgot.

--------------------
Oinkster

"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)

Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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When I stand on the stage with my fiddle
I stay calm by thinking if Sid'll
remember to bring
his baton-ey thing;
if he does we'll be posed with a riddle!


traffic policeman

[spelling, as usual]

[ 27. August 2012, 10:41: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277

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If you're zooming along the M4
At speeds of a hundred or more,
If you answer your phone,
You're drunk, or you're stoned,
I'll be there: the strong arm of the law.

Lion-tamer

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged
QLib

Bad Example
# 43

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I were called out to Clacton-on-Sea,
'Cos a lion was seen 'neath a tree
Or so someone thought,
But me – I saw nought,
So it's back to the circus for tea.

D-i-Y shop assistant

--------------------
Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.

Posts: 8913 | From: Page 28 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Now if you're looking for screws
you may have heard on the news
they're now Euro-sized;
oh, you look surprised
I hope I haven't given you the blues.


meteorologist

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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A meteorologist from LA 
Had nothing much to say
"Skies are clear
Am off to have beer
Tomorrow the same, hooray."

Seer

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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When practicing the craft of prediction
it is sometimes my predilection
to gaze at the stars
from the insides of bars
using spirits for some inspiration!


Taxi driver

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753

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Whilst driving taxis through Benghazi,
Smith said, "Buses- they just make me crazy-
The damned things, you see,
Are as slow as can be,
And I really must go to the khazi!"

Locksmith

[ 28. August 2012, 14:57: Message edited by: jbohn ]

--------------------
We are punished by our sins, not for them.
--Elbert Hubbard

Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Pia
Shipmate
# 17277

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If you're wanting a skeleton key
The fella you should call is me,
I'll soon get one cut -
Case opened and shut -
For a not unaffordable fee.

Poet

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The thing that takes all the time
is finding a suitable rhyme
for I think blank verse
can't really get worse;
in fact I think it's a crime!

Cat Burglar

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pia
Shipmate
# 17277

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The theme for my next little ditty
Must needs be the theft of a kitty
When brought to my knees
By a stolen Siamese
It's hard to write anything witty.


(Deliberately obtuse? Me?)


Football [soccer] referee

[ 28. August 2012, 16:43: Message edited by: Pia ]

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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783

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An attention whore covered in stripes
Is that at which the crowd often gripes.
Bold, he holds up one hand,
Makes a statement quite bland;
He himself is the product he hypes.

Ship's advertising designer

--------------------
TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)

Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Ship’s advertising designer, a polyglot
Cartoonist, humourist, artist, the lot
Simon’s the name
Without the sirname
No. 1 that is - who never loses the plot.

Metal worker

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Though some think I'm not really the sort
I find metal working really good sport;
I heat and I bend,
long hours I spend
but I try not to get over-wrought!

revivalist preacher

[ 29. August 2012, 03:41: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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Revivalist preacher of the TV age
Appears on God (TV) an affluent sage
Targeting the poor
Whom they lure
To sponsor the good life backstage ?

Skyscraper steel-walker/errector

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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When walking the girders on high
it's like being up in the sky;
we hop and we prance,
we've been known to dance,
but we still don't think we can fly.


Website designer

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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For a fee I'll make you a page
I said my work is all the rage
when I ask what your selling
you say your not telling
and your not going to pay me a wage


Rented house landlord

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The location is just right for you;
it is near to the schools, church and zoo.
Sure the garden may flood
and turn into mud
but the rent is too good to be true!

check-out clerk in a supermarket

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

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I've been here since a quarter to eight
Scanning goods at a furious rate
And it feels now that I
Will be here till I die.
Can I really deserve such a fate?

Saggar maker's bottom knocker

--------------------
My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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As a Saggar maker's bottom knocker
I rarely have time to play soccer
but when the day's at an end
and I want to unbend
I have a new life as a rocker!

Weaver

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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here I sit at my old loom
not too happy full of gloom
trying to spin a yard of yarn
in my place we call the barn
fear this place will be my tomb


Blacksmith

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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It's clang on the iron and wham
Which isn't wham bam, thank you Ma'am!
At least I can bend
The stuff to my end,
Which wouldn't be true of the femme.


Postman

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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As I cycle around on my round
there is something important I've found;
the blessed Royal Mail
is certain to fail
if a postman is scared of a hound!


cold-calling salesperson

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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Good day,can I show you my wares
yes they are rubbish but who cares
Oh, your dressed in your nightie
and I'm feeling flighty
can I demonstrate my product upstairs


Bookbinder

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

 - Posted      Profile for Welease Woderwick   Email Welease Woderwick   Send new private message       Edit/delete post 
We have paper or cloth or stiff board,
lots of options here in our hoard,
this quality leather
is light as a feather
and makes bindings fit for a lord!

motorcycle mechanic

[ 07. September 2012, 02:28: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753

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Your recent spill out on the motorway,
Has caused your bike's handling to go astray.
No worries, my dear,
No reason to fear,
For a reasonable sum, problems go away.

amusement park ride operator

--------------------
We are punished by our sins, not for them.
--Elbert Hubbard

Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
pjl
Shipmate
# 16929

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Come ride on the helter skelter
as a ride you'll find it a belter
get sat on that mat
you'll fly like a bat
so fast your undies will swelter



Lifeguard

Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

 - Posted      Profile for jacobsen   Email jacobsen   Send new private message       Edit/delete post 
Are you waving or drowning, my dear?
If the latter, there's no need to fear.
You may scream, you may bawl
But the pow'r of my crawl
Will bring me in time - I am here!


Dustbin man (Trash collector)

[ 08. September 2012, 15:33: Message edited by: jacobsen ]

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
beachcomber
Shipmate
# 17294

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There once was a bin man from Kent
Whose vital equipment got bent.
Unloading still fun
Once he'd begun.
That adventurous dust-man half spent.


Sex therapist

--------------------
Helen-Eva:'This is all really interesting and intensely confusing stuff and I am now bewildered in a much more informed way than I was before.'

Posts: 144 | From: bagdad cafe | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Your testimonials dusty?
Tackle increasingly rusty?
Now me- I'm no slouch:
Let's lie on my couch:
You'll rise again if you just trust me.


Income tax inspector

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
beachcomber
Shipmate
# 17294

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Let me inspect your entry and check that all b fine

Let me check your ins and outs - that nothings left behind.

Double entry s nothing on me.

That's what the desk s for.

Montessori teacher

[ 08. September 2012, 18:25: Message edited by: beachcomber ]

--------------------
Helen-Eva:'This is all really interesting and intensely confusing stuff and I am now bewildered in a much more informed way than I was before.'

Posts: 144 | From: bagdad cafe | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

 - Posted      Profile for jacobsen   Email jacobsen   Send new private message       Edit/delete post 
Beachcomber, sure as I'm alive
A limerick always has five
lines; though you're small
You can master them all
If you have but the requisite drive.


Bus driver

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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Host Fez ON!
Jacobsen, junior hosting is rather frowned upon. In fact, it's not allowed. Knock it off, mmmkay?
Beachcomber, I know you've been told on previous occasions to read the rules in the opening post before posting on threads in the Circus. Please, please, please do this in the future, in every thread you might post on. Please.
Host fez off.

And I apologize for this not being in limerick.

[ 08. September 2012, 21:36: Message edited by: Ariston ]

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275

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Some say that my job must be boring
Always on the same route: never touring
But it means I can keep
The bus going while asleep
As long as I don't begin snoring.

Next up: professional limerick writer

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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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(Apologies, Ariston. Sometimes I take my fun too seriously)

A limerick writer, as pro,
Must understand rhyming, and so
Will struggle and fight
To get the thing right,
So readers will shout Way to go!


Used car salesperson

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Buy from me for I'm honest Joe
The car I sell really do go;
some just go BANG!
and others you'll prang.
Cash only is the way that I know.

seamstress

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged



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