Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Robert Clive started life as a writer but his fame's from his time as a fighter up country and down in mofussil and town the fighter was an 'orrible blighter!
theatre director
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
The actors won't do what I say, spear-carriers walk the wrong way; the props man drops each prop, and the playwright won't stop behaving as if it's his play.
chorus girl (or boy)
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Step, kick and turn, then repeat, be certain to follow the beat. My arches are falling, and supper is calling, but I'm not admitting defeat.
lighting rig operator (theatre)
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
The gels and the floods and the spots and the wiring all tied up in knots; the director is mad the actors all sad; it's me should be calling the shots!
Sports team captain
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
We're looking for goal after goal, as each team member searches his soul for techniques and tips, and dodges and dips for the edge - which does take its toll.
nursery nurse
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I used to think babies were sweet but now, as they constantly bleat, and whimper and whine it's quite out of line; a large GIN, and please make it neat!
Blacksmith
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
I strike while the iron is hot and hammer until it is not, making horseshoes and nails and handles for pails using craft that most folks have forgot.
park litter-picker-upper with those pincer things
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As I walk about picking up litter I think thoughts, some sweet and some bitter about squirrels and cats and sometimes of bats and many another poor critter.
Supermarket shelf stacker
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I work with packets and tins, Put deep frozen food into bins. The shelves that I stack Have knackered my back; It's untrue that who stacks shelves, wins.
etymologist
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Seeking the origins of words is really a job for the birds; in the choice of careers it bores me to tears and my colleagues are terrible nerds!
[no offence to anybody, I've never met an etymologist though I know a fair few philologists]
Baker
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091
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Posted
I spend my career kneading dough, depends how you write it, you know! Buns, cakes, Bakewell tart, And bread, that's an art, I really put on quite a show!
Mayor of London [ 24. October 2012, 17:55: Message edited by: EtymologicalEvangelical ]
-------------------- You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis
Posts: 3625 | From: South Coast of England | Registered: Sep 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
The Mayor of London's Show Is really the place to go Grandees in succession Make up the procession With lesser officials in tow.
street sweeper
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753
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Posted
For years, my back has been bowed, By sweeping the streets up to code. But it's true, I must confess, I prefer cars to horses, At least they don't %^$# in the road!
Ship Host/Admin
-------------------- We are punished by our sins, not for them. --Elbert Hubbard
Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I think I'll let someone else tackle this one.
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091
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Posted
A licence to moderate posts is what is bestowed on our hosts; they read all the stuff till they've had enough of purg, heav'n or all that hell boasts.
disc jockey
-------------------- You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis
Posts: 3625 | From: South Coast of England | Registered: Sep 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I'm one guy who plays you good sounds the best that are doing the rounds - the same songs all night? A bit of a blight; I'd sue you if I had grounds!
Filing clerk
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Bean Sidhe
Shipmate
# 11823
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Posted
This paperwork's wearing me down All the more, after nights on the town. It's sending me crazy. I want to be lazy! Or failing that, maybe a clown?
Potter
Posts: 4363 | From: where the taxis won't go | Registered: Sep 2006
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My hobby is to decorate a mug or a bowl or a plate. The bowl it is thrown, the kiln up is blown; I'll be at the job until late.
jeweller
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
A diamond or ruby in gold will repay your investment ten-fold as you watch with delight the play of the light on its facets....another one sold!
doctor
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
If sometimes you feel rather ill trust me to give the right pill or medicine vile to cure cough or pile; then wait until I send you the bill!
caterer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
You seek a buffet for how many? No problem, for we'll cope with any; And all who are there Will delight in our fare, Though it may cost you a pretty penny.
luthier
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I'm famous as a maker of lutes but my brother prefers making flutes; spending time instrumental can be detrimental to the cooking of edible roots.
trade union shop steward
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Ags
Knocked up
# 204
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Posted
Is your manager giving you gip? Is he too fond of cracking the whip? No problem, just shout Tools down boys, all out! It’s the best way to give him the slip.
Bra-fitting shop assistant
-------------------- I think that we are most ourselves at our best, because that is what God intended us to be. The us we really like, the us that others love to be with. Moth
Posts: 2707 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
If I may put the tape round just here Below the bust - please have no fear. Your over the shoulder Boulder holder Will fit; it's the latest cool gear.
circus clown
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Everyone thinks I'm so sad when really I'm just raving mad, my make up so bright gives kiddies a fright; they just think that I'm bad!
Master of Foxhounds
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My horse takes me off and away As the hounds have the fox soon at bay. The fox it is found Stone dead on the ground Dismembered by hounds, ain, twa, trey.*
*they're Scottish hounds
Master of the Queen's Music
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Her tastes I just cannot confide but with music I keep Ma'am supplied; plus fanfares at times, and a series of chimes when the corgis must be sent outside.
trumpet player
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Though some people think I am crass others just think I'm an ass but I'll continue to blow pitched high and low because all that it takes is some brass!
Astrologer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
By the stars may your fortune be told, Though some charlatans may have sold With morals most pliable Forecasts unreliable And traded their ethics for gold.
ploughman
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091
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Posted
Up early I'm out, rain or shine - my job is to carve a straight line, through wet mud and weed, a trench for the seed; 'tis hard when hung over with wine!
Double glazing salesman
-------------------- You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis
Posts: 3625 | From: South Coast of England | Registered: Sep 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I'll beat any offer you've had; To refuse my advice would be mad. A plasticised frame Will enhance every hame* You'll agree the change cannot be bad.
*Scottish for home, but the salesman's claim holds good south of the Border.
taxidermist
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Come to us to have your pet stuffed and her appropriately fluffed; she'll look very real after our acts of zeal - even her claws will be buffed!
psychiatric nurse
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
There was a young night nurse called Fred, Who specifically treated the head: He got so stressed out That he started to shout, And ended up in the next empty bed.
Crab fisherman
-------------------- Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
A sideways momentum I find Is the crustacean version of blind. It aims to deceive And make me believe That to capture a crab is unkind.
road mender
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
With the public, I've taken my lumps- They say I turn holes into bumps! And their comments - so mean! As on my shovel I lean - Oh, wait! Is it time for lunch?
mattress jumper
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
You've heard of the Princess and Pea and wonder'd such discomfort might be; if you want to find out without any doubt then DON'T buy a mattress from me!
Ticket inspector on bus
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
"Fares, please!" was the conductor's cry As collecting the dosh he pushed by. Now passengers push In a single file crush Past the overworked driver, poor guy.
Bank president
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Founder and president, that's me made rich by collecting our fee, foreclose and sell on and those suckers are gone I watch our account books with glee!
diamond miner
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
If I see a gem, I don't pass it, My policy is to amass it. And then flog the lot Till all that I've got From the sale of those facets is assets.
quilter
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053
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Posted
Here's to my wife, a great quilter! Her squares are ne'er out of kilter! Then we snuggle together, so the cold winter weather is repelled - praise the good Lord who built her!
Forest Fire Lookout
-------------------- By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.
Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
As I sit in my tower in the sky I look down on the woods from on high hoping no spark or kids on a lark will cause my dear forest to die!
telephone software support person
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
'(Telephone) software support here' "Reading from your script, Mr Heer? The name's Wyatt Hardware is quiet Beer accidentally went down, o'er 'ere"
[how they get treated? sometimes perhaps]
Election Leafleteer
[sorry, late edit]
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
Though my candidate now is in jail For sending a bomb through the mail, I continue to hand out His photo (a standout!) And hope that he still will prevail.
Entomologist
-------------------- "The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations." -- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
It bugs me having bugs on my pc Entomologist I'm - not an Analyst u_c I analyse insects Though they're pests They're not in the manner pc's are for me.
Kung Fu Teacher
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Well. I know nothing about kung fu or the teaching of it, but the game must go on!
I make them all call me sensei and tell them they're not here to play; they must spin, kick, and punch and develop a hunch for when harm might be coming their way.
weaver
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I manage the warp, woof or weft, Criss crossing yarns till none are left. Since gifts I create Both early and late, Recipients ne'er are bereft.
scullery maid
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
A privileged, elegant fop Hoped to start his career at the top. One can only surmise His alarm and surprise, When they passed him the bucket and mop.
Silence
-------------------- "The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations." -- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
"Silence in our factory ain’t gonna work," Said Silence Co-ordinator Minnette Wark. "Noise from machines And not enough screens Entails environment continuing to irk."
Tea Taster
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
I shlurp them I swirl then I spit. Then I wash out the stalks and the grit. Then I leave youy bereft After reading what's left, For your fortune's a whole heap of rubbish.
Parisian taxi-driver [ 22. November 2012, 14:17: Message edited by: pimple ]
-------------------- In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
C'est impossible! Charging you less would be such an act of faiblesse I'd look like a fool, and besides, it's uncool not to extort the full peau des fesses.
hot air balloon pilot
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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