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Source: (consider it) Thread: Limericks by Profession
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Robert Clive started life as a writer
but his fame's from his time as a fighter
up country and down
in mofussil and town
the fighter was an 'orrible blighter!


theatre director

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966

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The actors won't do what I say,
spear-carriers walk the wrong way;
the props man drops each prop,
and the playwright won't stop
behaving as if it's his play.


chorus girl (or boy)

--------------------
Pondering.

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Step, kick and turn, then repeat,
be certain to follow the beat.
My arches are falling,
and supper is calling,
but I'm not admitting defeat.


lighting rig operator (theatre)

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The gels and the floods and the spots
and the wiring all tied up in knots;
the director is mad
the actors all sad;
it's me should be calling the shots!


Sports team captain

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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We're looking for goal after goal,
as each team member searches his soul
for techniques and tips,
and dodges and dips
for the edge - which does take its toll.


nursery nurse

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I used to think babies were sweet
but now, as they constantly bleat,
and whimper and whine
it's quite out of line;
a large GIN, and please make it neat!

Blacksmith

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966

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I strike while the iron is hot
and hammer until it is not,
making horseshoes and nails
and handles for pails
using craft that most folks have forgot.


park litter-picker-upper with those pincer things

--------------------
Pondering.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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As I walk about picking up litter
I think thoughts, some sweet and some bitter
about squirrels and cats
and sometimes of bats
and many another poor critter.


Supermarket shelf stacker

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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I work with packets and tins,
Put deep frozen food into bins.
The shelves that I stack
Have knackered my back;
It's untrue that who stacks shelves, wins.


etymologist

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Seeking the origins of words
is really a job for the birds;
in the choice of careers
it bores me to tears
and my colleagues are terrible nerds!

[no offence to anybody, I've never met an etymologist though I know a fair few philologists]

Baker

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091

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I spend my career kneading dough,
depends how you write it, you know!
Buns, cakes, Bakewell tart,
And bread, that's an art,
I really put on quite a show!


Mayor of London

[ 24. October 2012, 17:55: Message edited by: EtymologicalEvangelical ]

--------------------
You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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The Mayor of London's Show
Is really the place to go
Grandees in succession
Make up the procession
With lesser officials in tow.


street sweeper

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753

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For years, my back has been bowed,
By sweeping the streets up to code.
But it's true, I must confess,
I prefer cars to horses,
At least they don't %^$# in the road!

Ship Host/Admin [Biased]

--------------------
We are punished by our sins, not for them.
--Elbert Hubbard

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I think I'll let someone else tackle this one.

[Big Grin]

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091

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A licence to moderate posts
is what is bestowed on our hosts;
they read all the stuff
till they've had enough
of purg, heav'n or all that hell boasts.


disc jockey

--------------------
You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I'm one guy who plays you good sounds
the best that are doing the rounds -
the same songs all night?
A bit of a blight;
I'd sue you if I had grounds!

Filing clerk

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Bean Sidhe
Shipmate
# 11823

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This paperwork's wearing me down
All the more, after nights on the town.
It's sending me crazy.
I want to be lazy!
Or failing that, maybe a clown?

Potter

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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My hobby is to decorate
a mug or a bowl or a plate.
The bowl it is thrown,
the kiln up is blown;
I'll be at the job until late.


jeweller

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966

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A diamond or ruby in gold
will repay your investment ten-fold
as you watch with delight
the play of the light
on its facets....another one sold!


doctor

--------------------
Pondering.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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If sometimes you feel rather ill
trust me to give the right pill
or medicine vile
to cure cough or pile;
then wait until I send you the bill!


caterer

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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You seek a buffet for how many?
No problem, for we'll cope with any;
And all who are there
Will delight in our fare,
Though it may cost you a pretty penny.


luthier

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I'm famous as a maker of lutes
but my brother prefers making flutes;
spending time instrumental
can be detrimental
to the cooking of edible roots.


trade union shop steward

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Ags

Knocked up
# 204

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Is your manager giving you gip?
Is he too fond of cracking the whip?
No problem, just shout
Tools down boys, all out!
It’s the best way to give him the slip.


Bra-fitting shop assistant

--------------------
I think that we are most ourselves at our best, because that is what God intended us to be. The us we really like, the us that others love to be with. Moth

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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If I may put the tape round just here
Below the bust - please have no fear.
Your over the shoulder
Boulder holder
Will fit; it's the latest cool gear.


circus clown

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Everyone thinks I'm so sad
when really I'm just raving mad,
my make up so bright
gives kiddies a fright;
they just think that I'm bad!


Master of Foxhounds

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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My horse takes me off and away
As the hounds have the fox soon at bay.
The fox it is found
Stone dead on the ground
Dismembered by hounds, ain, twa, trey.*


*they're Scottish hounds


Master of the Queen's Music

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Cara
Shipmate
# 16966

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Her tastes I just cannot confide
but with music I keep Ma'am supplied;
plus fanfares at times,
and a series of chimes
when the corgis must be sent outside.


trumpet player

--------------------
Pondering.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Though some people think I am crass
others just think I'm an ass
but I'll continue to blow
pitched high and low
because all that it takes is some brass!


Astrologer

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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By the stars may your fortune be told,
Though some charlatans may have sold
With morals most pliable
Forecasts unreliable
And traded their ethics for gold.


ploughman

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
EtymologicalEvangelical
Shipmate
# 15091

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Up early I'm out, rain or shine -
my job is to carve a straight line,
through wet mud and weed,
a trench for the seed;
'tis hard when hung over with wine!


Double glazing salesman

--------------------
You can argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome': but you neither can nor need argue with a man who says, 'Rice is unwholesome, but I'm not saying this is true'. CS Lewis

Posts: 3625 | From: South Coast of England | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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I'll beat any offer you've had;
To refuse my advice would be mad.
A plasticised frame
Will enhance every hame*
You'll agree the change cannot be bad.


*Scottish for home, but the salesman's claim holds good south of the Border.


taxidermist

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Come to us to have your pet stuffed
and her appropriately fluffed;
she'll look very real
after our acts of zeal -
even her claws will be buffed!


psychiatric nurse

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649

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There was a young night nurse called Fred,
Who specifically treated the head:
He got so stressed out
That he started to shout,
And ended up in the next empty bed.


Crab fisherman

--------------------
Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10

Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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A sideways momentum I find
Is the crustacean version of blind.
It aims to deceive
And make me believe
That to capture a crab is unkind.


road mender

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053

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With the public, I've taken my lumps-
They say I turn holes into bumps!
And their comments - so mean!
As on my shovel I lean -
Oh, wait! Is it time for lunch?


mattress jumper


--------------------
By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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You've heard of the Princess and Pea
and wonder'd such discomfort might be;
if you want to find out
without any doubt
then DON'T buy a mattress from me!


Ticket inspector on bus

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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"Fares, please!" was the conductor's cry
As collecting the dosh he pushed by.
Now passengers push
In a single file crush
Past the overworked driver, poor guy.


Bank president

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Founder and president, that's me
made rich by collecting our fee,
foreclose and sell on
and those suckers are gone
I watch our account books with glee!

diamond miner

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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If I see a gem, I don't pass it,
My policy is to amass it.
And then flog the lot
Till all that I've got
From the sale of those facets is assets.


quilter

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
TomOfTarsus
Shipmate
# 3053

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Here's to my wife, a great quilter!
Her squares are ne'er out of kilter!
Then we snuggle together,
so the cold winter weather
is repelled - praise the good Lord who built her!

Forest Fire Lookout

--------------------
By grace are ye saved through faith... not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath ... ordained that we should walk in them.

Posts: 1570 | From: Pittsburgh, PA USA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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As I sit in my tower in the sky
I look down on the woods from on high
hoping no spark
or kids on a lark
will cause my dear forest to die!


telephone software support person

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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'(Telephone) software support here'
"Reading from your script, Mr Heer?
The name's Wyatt
Hardware is quiet
Beer accidentally went down, o'er 'ere"


[how they get treated? sometimes perhaps]

Election Leafleteer


[sorry, late edit]

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
roybart
Shipmate
# 17357

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Though my candidate now is in jail
For sending a bomb through the mail,
I continue to hand out
His photo (a standout!)
And hope that he still will prevail.

Entomologist

--------------------
"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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It bugs me having bugs on my pc
Entomologist I'm - not an Analyst u_c
I analyse insects
Though they're pests
They're not in the manner pc's are for me.

Kung Fu Teacher

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Cara
Shipmate
# 16966

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Well. I know nothing about kung fu or the teaching of it, but the game must go on!

I make them all call me sensei
and tell them they're not here to play;
they must spin, kick, and punch
and develop a hunch
for when harm might be coming their way.

weaver

--------------------
Pondering.

Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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I manage the warp, woof or weft,
Criss crossing yarns till none are left.
Since gifts I create
Both early and late,
Recipients ne'er are bereft.


scullery maid

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
roybart
Shipmate
# 17357

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A privileged, elegant fop
Hoped to start his career at the top.
One can only surmise
His alarm and surprise,
When they passed him the bucket and mop.

Silence

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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Pasco
Shipmate
# 388

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"Silence in our factory ain’t gonna work,"
Said Silence Co-ordinator Minnette Wark.
"Noise from machines
And not enough screens
Entails environment continuing to irk."


Tea Taster

Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
pimple

Ship's Irruption
# 10635

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I shlurp them I swirl then I spit.
Then I wash out the stalks and the grit.
Then I leave youy bereft
After reading what's left,
For your fortune's a whole heap of rubbish.

Parisian taxi-driver

[ 22. November 2012, 14:17: Message edited by: pimple ]

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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
Cara
Shipmate
# 16966

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C'est impossible! Charging you less
would be such an act of faiblesse
I'd look like a fool,
and besides, it's uncool
not to extort the full peau des fesses.


hot air balloon pilot

--------------------
Pondering.

Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged



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