Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Limericks by Profession
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
fesses?
The voyage is silent and swift As with hot air currents we drift. But help! I can see We have parked in a tree - If confined to this branch, I'll be miffed.
Telephone engineer in grateful recollection of the guy go got my landline and broadband going today.
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by jacobsen: fesses?
The voyage is silent and swift As with hot air currents we drift. But help! I can see We have parked in a tree - If confined to this branch, I'll be miffed.
Telephone engineer in grateful recollection of the guy go got my landline and broadband going today.
Not sure, jacobsen, if you're questioning my use of slightly vulgar vernacular, or asking for the meaning! In case it's the latter, les fesses is buttocks, and la peau des fesses or "the skin of one's buttocks" is a French way of saying "an arm and a leg." !
-------------------- Pondering.
Posts: 898 | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Just wondered what it meant. Thanks for the translation.
Telephone engineer [ 23. November 2012, 08:27: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Telephone engineer on Sandy's trail Was met with a shower of hail From his wife Mandy Who downed brandy Then raged: going off the Richter scale.
Rescue
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
With ladders and winches and boats rescue crews salvage kittens and goats; they save people in trouble, battle storms, dig through rubble, heroically earning our toasts.
(apologies for off rhyme, got stuck!)
barista (making espressos etc)
-------------------- Pondering.
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
East End Barista Charlie Easter Liked to joke he was a Barrister When asked, "Really?" He'd say, "Clearly! My other job's making Expresso, Mista."
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
What profession do you propose for the next limerick, Pasco?
-------------------- Pondering.
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Hi Cara,
Sorry, forgot to add the following:
Alternative Medicine Practitioner
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Breathe deeply and hold out your arm; My needles will do you no harm. Your chakras will glow, And you will soon know Accupuncture has a certain charm.
Obstetrician
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Trying to make sure everyone has a chance to play, but it's about time....
Helping the baby come out is what my career is about; getting it in whether in wedlock or sin was more fun for the mum, there's no doubt.
glider pilot
-------------------- Pondering.
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
To begin, you pick up a map, and, giving the speedometer a tap, preparing to fly, and steer through the sky, the trick is: try not to flap.
film director
-------------------- 'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
CUT!!!!!! said the Film Director on set As Technicals problems here beset To cut actor free Roped onto tree Tis blunt knife made actor to fret!
Hot air balloon pilot
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Re above:
Technicals problems should read Technical problems. Sorry.
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
"It's my dream," said the Vicar of Rye, To preach while aloft in the sky. My theology's steady. My hot air is ready. Cut the rope! Here I go! Do or die!"
Tax auditor
-------------------- "The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations." -- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Don't think that a cheat or a scam Will fool the expert that I am. Your sad little ploys To me are but toys; Look out for a penalty -WHAM!
shoemaker
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
I do it the time-honoured way with leather and last; but you'll pay for my custom-made shoes, and you will not refuse once your feet have them on just one day!
valet (not to park cars, but Jeeves type...)
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
If Sir would but incline this way, I'll get him turned out for the day, In lounge suit and spats, And the coolest of hats With a tie to make girls swoon away.
nanny
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Trendies call us Nan, short for Nanny Nan here meaning also, granny Mostly we’re young Sprightly and sprung Travelling afar, to every nook and cranny.
Spinnaker maker
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
Looking for stuff for the sail at the front Searched high and low so gave up the hunt But looking to larboard Noticed some cardboard And now my boats as fast as a punt
Newspaper cartoonist
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Better than others by half, My cartoons make everyone laugh. Lampoon politicians, T.V.chefs and morticians - It's only the victims who barf.
doctor's receptionist
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
You want to see Doctor? You jest! I've just fobbed off a dreadful old pest who insisted her bunions were bigger than onions; your piles do not pass the test.
(Oh dear, sorry, this just wrote itself!! Apologies to all doctors' receptionists and anyone who suffers from the ailments mentioned...)
chiropodist
-------------------- Pondering.
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
A specialist in the care of feet Was someone I was to meet My achilles heel It wouldn't heal His was his inability to treat?!
shares dealer
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
My only job is to invest Your money in shares of the best. A dividend then Will be issued when Values rise, for an investment fest.
IT maintenance person
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Without me you haven't a clue of the complex manoeuvres to do when your whole system locks or your firewall blocks-- must you must wait your turn. Toodle-oo!
pastry chef
-------------------- Pondering.
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
With flour and sugar I bake tiny tarts, meringues, cream cake. Towers of tuile with crystallized peel, but I’d rather just have a Flake.
mafia boss
-------------------- 'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
oops just noticed a typo in my last.
Final line should read:
But you must wait your turn. Toodle-oo!
Sorry!
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
You could hardly call it a job, Since I'm king of an illegal Mob. We kill and we steal, And make traitors squeal And all for a dishonest bob.
madam
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
My girls are la creme de la creme just watch as they lift up a hem; if you want to see more don't call her a whore just pass over some gold or a gem!
Laundress
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Ode to the Laundress, our Bess Doing loads more for lot less Bar gained here Bargain there? Saving dosh on the wash, bless!
Soothsayer
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Some say my sayings are sooth but I just try telling the truth as I see it unfold; I try to be bold but people're always asking for proof!
domestic help
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
I try to stay calm, but I must say your house is so covered in dust that I just cannot cope, and I really do hope you'll forgive me--I'm off, in disgust.
fish and chip cook
-------------------- Pondering.
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Though some think I'm mad as a hatter I think the secret's the batter which, if made with beer, is sure to bring cheer though those eating may sometimes get fatter!
driver of an underground train
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
'Mind the gap,' is the regular cry, As through darkened tunnels we fly, With headlights a-blazing Our speed is amazing, And look- the next station is nigh.
door to door salesperson
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Do you want a brush or a broom? or something to sweet scent a room? or perhaps a nice duster would somehow pass muster or something to help your son groom.
Falconer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
My beauty is tranquil and good, she sleeps when she's under the hood. But when I release her then nothing can please her but catching her prey, as she should.
candy floss [cotton candy] maker
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Would you prefer white, or the pink? Please chose - so, which, do you think Would flatter your palate - It won't hurt your wallet, And costs far, far less than a mink.
plantation cotton picker
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Plantation cotton picker Served to aid city slicker He paid the price To subsidise City-wife's (luxurious) nicker.
Nicker-bocker-glory maker
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
They're decadent, fruity and sweet, Among puddings they're quite hard to beat. A quivering tower Of chocolate power With ice cream in a tall glass - so neat.
luthier
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
No strings attached--that is me. What you get is just what you see. I make viols and cellos and all their stringed fellows so they ring out in fine harmony.
cartoonist
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
When through comedy I would berate, With my pencil I exaggerate The nose of my victim, As soon as I've picked him,* So we can all mock his sad state.
*Not the nose.
elecutionist
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
There once was a lady from Spain who noted that most of the rain fell--how now, old brown cow, why bother me now?-- fell, in the main, on the plain.
weather forecaster
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Will it snow, will it rain, will it hail? My prognosis is there without fail. I may be mistaken, But interest will waken As wind force increases to gale.
church embroiderer
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
Hassock, altar-cloth, pall, church linens enormous and small, with garlands of flowers, and angels, and bowers, I have left my mark on them all.
rat-catcher
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
With ferret and dog I arrive To start up a rat-catching drive. They're bashed on the head And chased till they're dead - I don't want to leave one alive.
street sweeper
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pasco
Shipmate
# 388
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Posted
Keeping the streets clean of litter Helps in keeping myself fitter I hate vomit Tis the limit! From mindless downing pints of bitter
meter reader
Posts: 997 | From: Domiciling 'ere, living locally. | Registered: Jun 2001
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pjl
Shipmate
# 16929
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Posted
Bending down to read this gauge all in all for a rubbishy wage now i've trod in someones gum and next doors dog has bit my bum No wonder my lifes full of rage
Lawn mower man
Posts: 576 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I mow lawns from spring until summer, And would never say it's a bummer. But now I am older As weather gets colder; I'd rather retrain as a plumber.
car mechanic [ 13. December 2012, 12:19: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
What's that? An old Daimler Dart Sorry Guv, but I can't get the part and having it made would mean much defrayed; have you considered a nice horse and cart?
astronomer
-------------------- I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. Fancy a break in South India? Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Cara
Shipmate
# 16966
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Posted
What's this, swimming into my ken? A new planet, perhaps? I've a yen to name one after me; but--oh no!--can it be? It's space junk left up there by mere men.
person who checks your ticket on the train (controller?conductor? not sure what they call themselves!)
-------------------- Pondering.
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
They call me a ticket collector Although I am just an inspector. If you've none,you're rejected, And,at worst, ejected, For I am the public's protector.
driving examiner [ 14. December 2012, 10:27: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
-------------------- But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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