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Source: (consider it) Thread: When I'm Archbishop of Canterbury...
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

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...The Gloria will be replaced by "My God" from Jethro Tull's Aqualung on the First Sunday of Each Month. By Order.

(If this counts as a game please transfer to the Circus, heavenly hosts)

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Adeodatus
Shipmate
# 4992

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... I will introduce a new clause to the Creed, so that it reads
quote:
I believe one holy catholic and apostolic Church; I believe in being nice to the vicar; I acknowledge one baptism ...


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"What is broken, repair with gold."

Posts: 9779 | From: Manchester | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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I could be the first* female, atheist ex-Presbyterian to hold the office.

*obviously I don't know when, exactly, in the succession my turn will come. But if they don't want the first female etc septuagenarian ABC they'd better get a move on.

And I'm definitely doing away with The Hat in favour of something a bit lighter (though not a fascinator, that would be silly).

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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I'd have a root and branch reform of admin, starting with the number of suffragans/assistant bishops.

I'd also make sure that ALL cathedral chapter clergy, with the exception of the Dean and Precentor, have links to a town or nearby parish.

... and pigs might fly [Snigger]

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

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Oh yes, definitely, L'O, except that I'd allow combination of suffragan bishoprics with residentiary canonries. Then enforcement of the oath only to use authorised forms of service (and a tidying up of those), replacement / consolidation of CW by/into a single volume that the laity can have at home, request to the PM to resume the right (given up by Brown) to choose between two nominations from the Crown Appointments Commission (again, in the interest of reducing clerical power in the Church), and finally a big bonfire of anything published by K-v-n M-yh-w. Then I'd start thinking about how to use my degree granting powers to undermine the marketisation of higher education. I tell you, I'd have a rare old time of it!
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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At least I already have The Beard™.

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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Why so serious?

When I am Archbishop of Canterbury:

- Archdeacons will be referred to as Archdragons so that everyone knows what to expect.

- All clergy will wear liturgically correct socks. The colour for Gaudete and Laetare Sunday will be Day-Glo pink rather than rose, as it will be easier to spot underneath the cassocks...

- Churches serving substandard after-service refreshments will receive a Visitation from the newly appointed Guild of Servants of the Coffee-Pot and instruction in the correct rituals.

Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713

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I will allow each parish to add an additional clause to The Commination Against All Sinners. The right to do this shall be a prize in the Summer Fete (should raise a few thousand across the Province).

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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I will re-form parishes into Revolutionary Cadres fighting for Social Justice, Alleviation of Suffering, Feeding the Hungry, Clothing the Naked and Visiting those in Prison.

I may also create an English Inquisition that will include the Dreaded Torture by Tea and Fruit Cake!

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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Wodders wins! The most unfortunate thing is that's what churches should be.

I am excluded from the ABC as I am a Cattlick. I do, however, have some delusions of grandeur.

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Even more so than I was before

Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Og, King of Bashan

Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562

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To rehash the old joke, I will demand a recount.

(PeteC: I may be a married Episcopalian, but that hasn't stopped me from saying that my first act as Pope will be to move the whole show back to Avignon. Dream big!)

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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy

Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged
moonlitdoor
Shipmate
# 11707

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I'd like to succeed WW and reverse his policies. I am reminded of a great line from At the drop of another hat, where Michael Flanders says 'the purpose of satire, it has been rightly said, is to strip away the thin veneer of comforting illusion and cosy half truth. And our job, as I see it, is to put it back again.'

That's more the spirit of the church of England than revolutionary fervour.

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We've evolved to being strange monkeys, but in the next life he'll help us be something more worthwhile - Gwai

Posts: 2210 | From: london | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713

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quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
To rehash the old joke, I will demand a recount.

(PeteC: I may be a married Episcopalian, but that hasn't stopped me from saying that my first act as Pope will be to move the whole show back to Avignon. Dream big!)

Am I the only one to read that as "I demand a recant"? Or just another who wanted to read it that way.

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

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When I'm the ABC I'd make it law for ice skates to be put in the coffins of all lawyers.

They could put them to use, because by the time I'm ABC Hell will have frozen over.

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Last ever sig ...

blog

Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:


I am excluded from the ABC as I am a Cattlick. I do, however, have some delusions of grandeur.

I don't want to be ABC: I want to be Pope - wouldn't be the first non-priest to take the office. I think there are some Shipmates who would actually be qualified to be ABC - you know who you are!

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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When I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury I will move the throne to Canterbury in New Zealnad - that will give the church a shake up [Razz]

I will appoint Wodders my side-kick at a vastly inflated stipend so he can be the ideas person on social justice issues.

Pete can be our advisor on relations with Rome.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Offeiriad

Ship's Arboriculturalist
# 14031

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New Zealnad ? Clearly when you are ABC the (UK) 'Daily Telegraph' will be your official paper! (During a certain South Atlantic conflict, said paper baffled friend and foe alike by referring to the 'Flakland Islands') [Big Grin]
Posts: 1426 | From: La France profonde | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged
Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
When I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury I will move the throne to Canterbury in New Zealnad - that will give the church a shake up [Razz]

I will appoint Wodders my side-kick at a vastly inflated stipend so he can be the ideas person on social justice issues.

Pete can be our advisor on relations with Rome.

Huia

Oooh, I will rush out to get fitted for a dalmatic. Would gold and burgundy be ok? Or perhaps I should just borrow an outfit from Wodders? He has loads, all bought against the day.

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Even more so than I was before

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Augustine the Aleut
Shipmate
# 1472

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Why so serious?

When I am Archbishop of Canterbury:

- Archdeacons will be referred to as Archdragons so that everyone knows what to expect.

- All clergy will wear liturgically correct socks. The colour for Gaudete and Laetare Sunday will be Day-Glo pink rather than rose, as it will be easier to spot underneath the cassocks...

- Churches serving substandard after-service refreshments will receive a Visitation from the newly appointed Guild of Servants of the Coffee-Pot and instruction in the correct rituals.

While supporting this entirely, I will forbid clergy from using internal combustion engines on their duties. Bicycles and ponies for all.

More practically, I would divide all CoE dioceses so that none would contain more than 35-40 parishes, select bishops by lot in the manner practised among the Copts, and tie all clerical compensation to their saying of mattins and vespers daily.

Posts: 6236 | From: Ottawa, Canada | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

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quote:
Originally posted by Oferyas:
New Zealnad ? Clearly when you are ABC the (UK) 'Daily Telegraph' will be your official paper! (During a certain South Atlantic conflict, said paper baffled friend and foe alike by referring to the 'Flakland Islands') [Big Grin]

See how society is swinging to the left? The Telegraph takes up the mantle once held by the Guardian.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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... then I'd create an honoured position of Provider of King's Musick - every person in the land would be auditioned and anyone with a suitable voice would be allocated a church, abbey, priory or cathedral in which they would be valued, to fill the land with song. For this, they will be granted freedom from paying taxes for the duration of their singing career. Render unto God what is God's.

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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Augustine:
quote:
I will forbid clergy from using internal combustion engines on their duties. Bicycles and ponies for all.
...and the Church of England suddenly becomes wildly popular with small girls who like ponies and cycling enthusiasts of all ages.

It therefore follows that jodhpurs or cycling shorts must be worn at Sunday services unless you are a card-carrying member of the WI or Mother's Union...

Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Augustine the Aleut
Shipmate
# 1472

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Augustine:
quote:
I will forbid clergy from using internal combustion engines on their duties. Bicycles and ponies for all.
...and the Church of England suddenly becomes wildly popular with small girls who like ponies and cycling enthusiasts of all ages.

It therefore follows that jodhpurs or cycling shorts must be worn at Sunday services unless you are a card-carrying member of the WI or Mother's Union...

You are correct in that this initiative would fill the pews and fulfill the late Lord Coggan's evangelism initiative when all else has failed. I would also note that ponyphiles are not restricted to the most young of females-- a thirtyish former colleague once decided to keep her manager alert by inserting in the Funding Strategies heading of a cabinet document "Emily gets a pony." It made it up three levels before it was caught.
Posts: 6236 | From: Ottawa, Canada | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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[Killing me] I like your colleague's style.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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... I'll try not to come out with risible sound-bites like putting Wonga "out of business" even before any church, either at national or local level, has founded a Credit Union.

He needs to be aware that recently several hundred credit unions have gone under due to bad debts...

Consulting Dave Fishwick of Burnley Savings & Loan ("Bank of Dave") should be his first port of call.

And how many PCCs or Churchwardens can you see being prepared to jump through the hoops to run a credit union???

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Mudfrog
Shipmate
# 8116

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quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
I will re-form parishes into Revolutionary Cadres fighting for Social Justice, Alleviation of Suffering, Feeding the Hungry, Clothing the Naked and Visiting those in Prison.

I may also create an English Inquisition that will include the Dreaded Torture by Tea and Fruit Cake!

The Salvation Army? On both counts?

[ 25. July 2013, 13:24: Message edited by: Mudfrog ]

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"The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid."
G.K. Chesterton

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BroJames
Shipmate
# 9636

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quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
<snip>
He needs to be aware that recently several hundred credit unions have gone under due to bad debts...<snip>

And how many PCCs or Churchwardens can you see being prepared to jump through the hoops to run a credit union???

Between 2002 and 2010 37 credit unions failed, and the current rate is about six a year (although that many have already failed this year). So I hope that the Archbishop of Canterbury isn't 'aware' that "recently several hundred credit unions have gone under due to bad debts".

There are currently around 400 credit unions operating in England, there are some which are church-originated, and many more which are supported by volunteers from churches or the use of church facilities.

Personally I would have thought a parish was too small a unit to form a good basis for a credit union, and in any event it would better be done as a shared activity with other partners.

Posts: 3374 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy

Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333

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[Paranoid]

jj nudges the bunnies back towards Heaven

If I were the ABC, I'd very likely embarrass myself the very first day! My socks would definitely be the wrong color.

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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.

Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891

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To make the church relevant to the Twitter generation, sermons would be limited to 140 characters.

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http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

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quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
To make the church relevant to the Twitter generation, sermons would be limited to 140 characters.

I am interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Anglo Catholic Relict
Shipmate
# 17213

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I would make pastoral care of their parishioners compulsory for all priests.

[Smile]

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leo
Shipmate
# 1458

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Parishioners - all ten thousand of them?

Or do you mean churchgoers?

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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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When I am Archbisho.................... ha ................haha ............... ahahahahahhhhahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa

OMG please make it stop.

Pyx_e.

p.s. "open churches" is the right answer to the question.

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It is better to be Kind than right.

Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175

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quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
I will re-form parishes into Revolutionary Cadres fighting for Social Justice, Alleviation of Suffering, Feeding the Hungry, Clothing the Naked and Visiting those in Prison.

I may also create an English Inquisition that will include the Dreaded Torture by Tea and Fruit Cake!

The Salvation Army? On both counts?
Is the homophobia (cf the SA in the US refusing shelter to gay homeless teenagers) compulsory too?

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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]

Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

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Good old Pyx_e, pointing out the value of the subjunctive in thread titles...

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Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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I have a phobia of ' s

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It is better to be Kind than right.

Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
I will re-form parishes into Revolutionary Cadres fighting for Social Justice, Alleviation of Suffering, Feeding the Hungry, Clothing the Naked and Visiting those in Prison.

I may also create an English Inquisition that will include the Dreaded Torture by Tea and Fruit Cake!

The Salvation Army? On both counts?
Is the homophobia (cf the SA in the US refusing shelter to gay homeless teenagers) compulsory too?
Jade, if you wish to have a discussion on the SA and homosexuality, down that lane there is a paddock....


Firenze
Heaven Host

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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quote:
Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:
I would make pastoral care of their parishioners compulsory for all priests. [Smile]

Some priests have no talent for pastoral care. If they attempt it they may do more harm than good.

Moo

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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.

Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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Making a strenuous effort to reintroduce fluffiness...

- Each parish will appoint an Official Sermon Timekeeper with the job of enforcing the PCC-approved time limit. Any preachers exceeding said limit will be decanted into the crypt when the OST presses the Big Red Button that activates the trapdoor in the floor of the pulpit.

Churches without crypts may use the Hellfire Extinguisher (patent pending), which is lowered from the roof to enclose the pulpit in a soundproof barrier.

As this is the Church of England, the Archbishop will not enforce a strict limit on sermon length, leaving the details of implementing this directive up to individual PCCs. However, it is anticipated that most parishes will opt for sermons of between 10 and 20 minutes unless the Archbishop of Canterbury is visiting, when the Official Sermon Timekeeper will have a Sunday off and I will go on talking for as long as I like, because otherwise what's the point of being Archbishop?

[ 30. July 2013, 21:43: Message edited by: Jane R ]

Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
roybart
Shipmate
# 17357

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Ban mitres, surely the least flattering and silliest of the many silly hats worn by higher-level clergy.

The more valuable should be consigned to Sotheby's, with proceeds going to the neediest of good causes.

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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Augustine the Aleut
Shipmate
# 1472

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quote:
Originally posted by BroJames:
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
<snip>
He needs to be aware that recently several hundred credit unions have gone under due to bad debts...<snip>

And how many PCCs or Churchwardens can you see being prepared to jump through the hoops to run a credit union???

Between 2002 and 2010 37 credit unions failed, and the current rate is about six a year (although that many have already failed this year). So I hope that the Archbishop of Canterbury isn't 'aware' that "recently several hundred credit unions have gone under due to bad debts".

There are currently around 400 credit unions operating in England, there are some which are church-originated, and many more which are supported by volunteers from churches or the use of church facilities.

Personally I would have thought a parish was too small a unit to form a good basis for a credit union, and in any event it would better be done as a shared activity with other partners.

For historical reasons (a polite way of saying that Anglican and Presbyterian bankers had no intention of loaning one red shekel to French Canadians), most credit unions in Canada were founded parish by parish. This extraordinary
phenomenon has now almost 375 branches, with 5.8 million members and C$175 billion in assets. I fear that what I like most are the older branches with the parish names, so I have an Ismaili friend in Montréal whose cheques are written over the Caisse de l'Enfant Jésus.

Posts: 6236 | From: Ottawa, Canada | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mudfrog
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# 8116

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quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
I will re-form parishes into Revolutionary Cadres fighting for Social Justice, Alleviation of Suffering, Feeding the Hungry, Clothing the Naked and Visiting those in Prison.

I may also create an English Inquisition that will include the Dreaded Torture by Tea and Fruit Cake!

The Salvation Army? On both counts?
Is the homophobia (cf the SA in the US refusing shelter to gay homeless teenagers) compulsory too?
I'd be interested to see an objective report on that alleged event because it's not our policy to discriminate when it comes to providing a service to those in need.

[ 31. July 2013, 15:23: Message edited by: Mudfrog ]

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"The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid."
G.K. Chesterton

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Mudfrog
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quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
I will re-form parishes into Revolutionary Cadres fighting for Social Justice, Alleviation of Suffering, Feeding the Hungry, Clothing the Naked and Visiting those in Prison.

I may also create an English Inquisition that will include the Dreaded Torture by Tea and Fruit Cake!

The Salvation Army? On both counts?
Is the homophobia (cf the SA in the US refusing shelter to gay homeless teenagers) compulsory too?
Jade, if you wish to have a discussion on the SA and homosexuality, down that lane there is a paddock....


Firenze
Heaven Host

Sorry Firenze, I replied before I saw your instruction to Jade. Maybe Jade could send me a private message with a link to the story. Thanks

[ 31. July 2013, 15:25: Message edited by: Mudfrog ]

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"The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid."
G.K. Chesterton

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rugasaw
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quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
[Paranoid]

jj nudges the bunnies back towards Heaven

If I were the ABC, I'd very likely embarrass myself the very first day! My socks would definitely be the wrong color.

Thinking about this has caused me to wander how often the ABC, no any bishop, no any priest has had unknowingly had this exact same thing occur to them. I give you the answer, Bishop Socks. Suitable for any season and occasion within said season. Wedding during Lent, no problem with Bishop Socks you will be covered. Funeral during Epiphany, no problem Bishop Socks will keep you covered. Forgot if the church is using blue or purple for Advent, no need to worry with Bishop Socks.

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Treat the earth well, It was not given to you by your parents. It was loaned to you by your children. -Unknown

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PataLeBon
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Rug, NO, just NO!

Seriously, I thought I had taught you better than that!

I'm not going to let you go shopping for your own clothes soon.... [Biased]

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That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem. - Jack O'Neill (Stargate SG1)

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kingsfold

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Having met you both recently... [Killing me]
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Gee D
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If I were ABC, I would make it compulsory for all clergy - bishops or otherwise - to revert to the indisputable practice of the earliest days of the church when sandals were the most any of the Apostles wore on their feet. No need for such fripperies as socks.

[ 31. July 2013, 23:28: Message edited by: Gee D ]

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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican

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roybart
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Gee D, I don't know about the Middle East, but the Romans definitely wore socks in winter, as did the Greeks.

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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

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roybart
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Gee D, I don't know about the Jews, but the Romans definitely wore socks in winter, as did the Greeks.

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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

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roybart
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.

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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

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