homepage
  roll on christmas  
click here to find out more about ship of fools click here to sign up for the ship of fools newsletter click here to support ship of fools
community the mystery worshipper gadgets for god caption competition foolishness features ship stuff
discussion boards live chat cafe avatars frequently-asked questions the ten commandments gallery private boards register for the boards
 
Ship of Fools


Post new thread  Post a reply
My profile login | | Directory | Search | FAQs | Board home
   - Printer-friendly view Next oldest thread   Next newest thread
» Ship of Fools   »   » Oblivion   » Old Jokes Home... (Page 1)

 - Email this page to a friend or enemy.  
Pages in this thread: 1  2  3 
 
Source: (consider it) Thread: Old Jokes Home...
Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76

 - Posted      Profile for Karl: Liberal Backslider   Author's homepage   Email Karl: Liberal Backslider   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
...only bona fide past their sell by date gags here.

OK. There's this shop that sells everything, out in the sticks. It's doing quite well, and the owner decides to take on an assistant. He says "right. Watch how this works. You have to make one sale drive another."

A bloke wanders in and asks for a packet of grass seed.

"Large size? Always need more than you think. Then there's patching" says the shop owner.

And as the bloke leaves, the owner says "Sir - you'll need a lawnmower."

"A lawnmower?"

"Yers! Grass grows, need to mow it". And in the end the bloke leaves with a £300 lawnmower.

So the new lad tries his luck. A bloke walks in looking sheepish. Looks around, then says in a whisper "a box of tampax please"

"Tampax? Large size? Heavy flow?" asks the assistant.

"Whatever!" the customer says, clearly embarrassed.

As he turns to leave the assistant says "you'll need a lawnmower sir!"

"A lawnmower!?!?"

"Yes. Your weekend's buggered so you might as well cut the grass!"

Sorry. Mine's the black fedora....

--------------------
Might as well ask the bloody cat.

Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
HughWillRidmee
Shipmate
# 15614

 - Posted      Profile for HughWillRidmee   Email HughWillRidmee   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Couple on honeymoon in romantic Old Amsterdam walk past a pet shop. They stop and look through the main window at the animals for sale in their cages. Lots of oooohing and aaaahing. Puppies climbing over each other, baby rabbits hopping about, guinea pigs exploring their toy filled cage and, in an end cage, a lone kitten.

All the pens are labelled.

the puppies; DUTCH SMOUSHOND - nine weeks old

the rabbits; DUTCH TRICOLORED - six weeks old

the guinea pigs; DUTCH CAVY - three weeks old

the kitten; DUTCH BOBTAIL - ten weeks old

The couple move on but as they're walking along the street the husband seems deep in thought. Suddenly he wheels about and starts striding back to the shop leaving his bemused bride to follow as best she can.

Marching into the shop the husband approaches a sales assistant and says

"I've heard of Dutch Smoushonds - they're terriers"

"I've heard of Dutch Tricoloreds - short fur and upright ears"

"I've heard of Dutch Cavies - they have a unique white patterning in their fur"

"But I have this problem - I've heard of American Bobtails, I've heard of Japanese Bobtails and I've even heard of Kurilian Bobtails - but I've never, ever heard of Dutch Bobtail cats"

The assistant looks back at him "So how can I help you sir?" and the guy's wife catches up with him just in time to hear him ask

"Just tell me this if you would


HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGY IN THE WINDOW?"

--------------------
The danger to society is not merely that it should believe wrong things.. but that it should become credulous, and lose the habit of testing things and inquiring into them...
W. K. Clifford, "The Ethics of Belief" (1877)

Posts: 894 | From: Middle England | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged
Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

 - Posted      Profile for Albertus     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Ocean liner is wrecked in mid-Pacific. Two survivors are washed up on a desert island: a seaman and (insert name of famous glamorous and fanciable film actress of your choice). The two set to work building a shelter, exploring the island, gathering food and so on; soon the co-operation becomes friendship and the friendship becomes a passionate sexual relationship.

One evening they're sitting there on the beach, tired and content, looking at the sunset in companionable silence. After a while he turns to her and asks whether he can ask her a favour - just one thing he needs to make him really happy. 'Sure', she says. 'Do you mind', he says, 'if I draw a moustache on you and call you Frank?' She thinks for a moment and says 'Well, that seems a bit weird, but....OK, go ahead'. So he picks up a piece of burnt wood and draws a moustache on her, and they lapse back into companionable silence. After ten minute or so he jabs her in the ribs with his elbow and says

'Here, Frank- you'll never believe who I'm shagging!'

[ 23. July 2013, 11:19: Message edited by: Albertus ]

--------------------
My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511

 - Posted      Profile for Alaric the Goth     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A frog walks into a bank and goes up to a desk to speak to one of the cashiers. The man, whose name on his ID badge is ‘Paddy Whack’ says, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Er, yes”, says the frog, “I’ve come about getting a bank loan.”
“How much for?” says Paddy.
“£10000” says the frog.
“Right then, before we decide if you can get it we need some details. What’s your name, please?”
“Kermit Jagger” says the frog.
“Right, well, I think I may have heard of your dad. What collateral can you offer us for a loan that big?”
“Collateral? I don’t know what you mean?”
“Something valuable you can give us to secure the loan against”.
“Oh,” says Kermit, “that could be a problem. All I have is this!”
He brings out and hands over an ornamental snowstorm, one which you shake and watch the snow fall on a Christmassy scene.
“I’m not sure we could accept that as collateral,” says Paddy. “It doesn’t look to be worth much. I don’t think we can give you the money, but I’ll check with my manager”.

He takes it to the back office and explains to his boss,
“The strangest thing’s just happened. This frog’s come in asking me for a £10k loan, and says he’s ‘Kermit Jagger’. When I asked him for collateral, all he could produce was this (hands the manager the snowstorm). I’m not even sure what it is”.

“It’s a knickknack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
HughWillRidmee
Shipmate
# 15614

 - Posted      Profile for HughWillRidmee   Email HughWillRidmee   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A newly installed Native American chief is expected to produce children so he takes three wives.

A few months later it’s obvious that the wives are pregnant and the chief turns his attention to providing as much comfort as possible for them whilst demonstrating his wealth and love to all around.

For the wife with blue eyes he obtains a lion skin upon which she will be delivered of his offspring; for the black-eyed wife it’s a llama skin and for the green-eyed wife (who is really his favourite) he goes for broke and imports a genuine, unused hippopotamus’ skin.

The days pass and eventually the blue-eyed wife gives birth to a son. Then the black-eyed wife produces a daughter. At last the favourite wife goes in to labour and is delivered of twins – one male and one female.

The moral of this story being that the product of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the product of the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

--------------------
The danger to society is not merely that it should believe wrong things.. but that it should become credulous, and lose the habit of testing things and inquiring into them...
W. K. Clifford, "The Ethics of Belief" (1877)

Posts: 894 | From: Middle England | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

 - Posted      Profile for LeRoc     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
(And here was I thinking: where is this joke going?)

--------------------
I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy

Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333

 - Posted      Profile for jedijudy   Email jedijudy   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by HughWillRidmee:
...The moral of this story being that the product of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the product of the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

[Killing me]
snort!

--------------------
Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.

Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564

 - Posted      Profile for Leorning Cniht   Email Leorning Cniht   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are eating dinner together. A candlestick falls over, and sets the tablecloth on fire.

The engineer looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, and extinguishes the fire.

Some time later, a second candlestick falls over, setting the tablecloth on fire again. The physicist looks around, gets a second fire extinguisher, and hands it to the engineer, thus reducing the problem to one that had previously been solved.

Still later, a third candlestick is knocked over and ignites the tablecloth. The mathematician looks around, sees a third fire extinguisher, and nods happily to himself: "Ah, yes. The solution is trivial."

Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

 - Posted      Profile for Spike   Email Spike   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scostman went into a pub. The barman said "is this some sort of a joke?"

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

 - Posted      Profile for Sir Kevin   Author's homepage   Email Sir Kevin   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
quote:
Originally posted by HughWillRidmee:
...The moral of this story being that the product of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the product of the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

[Killing me]
snort!

Back when I was a schoolboy, the math teacher told us that joke. It was probably old then.

First joke was the best! I told the first joke to the men in my group at church earlier today and it went over it a treat!

--------------------
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

 - Posted      Profile for Spike   Email Spike   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A man went into a pub with some custard in one ear and a lump of jelly in the other. "What can I get you?" asked the barman. The man replied "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf"

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

 - Posted      Profile for balaam   Author's homepage   Email balaam   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
..the solution is trivial."

If it's scientific jokes you want...

Some helium walks into a bar, the barman says, "We don't serve inert gasses in here."

The helium doesn't react.

--------------------
Last ever sig ...

blog

Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668

 - Posted      Profile for Stercus Tauri   Email Stercus Tauri   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What a terrible thread this is. Here's an ancient favourite of mine:

An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

--------------------
Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)

Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged
Sopralto
Ship's Zookeeper
# 10245

 - Posted      Profile for Sopralto   Email Sopralto   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
These are just awful. Here's my contribution:

Three pieces of string are walking down the street when they decide to pop into a bar for a beer. There's a sign in the window that says "No strings served" but the most assertive of the strings declares that he won't put up with discrimination and persuades his buddies to join him at a table in the corner.

One of the strings walks up to the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer and three glasses. The bartender just glances at him and barks, "Read the sign, buddy. We don't serve strings." So the string walks back to his friends and says, "Sorry, guys, he wouldn't serve me any beer."

The assertive string says, "That's against the law! They can't discriminate against us like that!" and marches up to the bar. "Barkeep," he says, "I want a pitcher of beer and three glasses!"

The barkeeper sighs and responds, "Look, I told your pal over there, we don't serve strings. You and your friends should just get outta here."

The string walks back to the table and apologizes for not being able to get beer and says that maybe they should leave. The third string gets up and says, "No way. I'm gonna get us some beer!"

He walks to the bathroom, ties himself in a knot, takes a comb out of his back pocket, and combs himself up. Then he saunters over to the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer and three glasses. The bartender peers closely at him and says, "Hey, aren't you one of those pieces of string?"

He answers, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot!"

--------------------
Sopralto

Posts: 207 | From: The extreme high intertidal | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

 - Posted      Profile for LeRoc     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Spike: A man went into a pub with some custard in one ear and a lump of jelly in the other. "What can I get you?" asked the barman. The man replied "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf"
I don't get it [Confused]

--------------------
I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

 - Posted      Profile for Jengie jon   Author's homepage   Email Jengie jon   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A trifle is an English dessert. Many would maintain that a true trifle does not have jelly in it but it is a common adaptation.

Jengie

--------------------
"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Back to my blog

Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

 - Posted      Profile for LeRoc     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Jengie Jon: A trifle is an English dessert.
Ah thanks, I didn't know that. (Now I hope I'll get to taste one some day [Biased] )

[ 28. July 2013, 05:02: Message edited by: LeRoc ]

--------------------
I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

 - Posted      Profile for Huia   Email Huia   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Thanks Solpralto I was waiting for that one.

Brilliant thread/


[

[ 28. July 2013, 05:14: Message edited by: Huia ]

--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

 - Posted      Profile for Albertus     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Termite walks into a pub and says 'Is the bar tender here?'
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

 - Posted      Profile for Spike   Email Spike   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What's green, got six legs and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Starbug
Shipmate
# 15917

 - Posted      Profile for Starbug   Email Starbug   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward

--------------------
“Oh the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?” ― The Day of the Doctor

Posts: 1189 | From: West of the New Forest | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged
Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564

 - Posted      Profile for Leorning Cniht   Email Leorning Cniht   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A man walks in to a bar.

Ouch.

Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Dafyd
Shipmate
# 5549

 - Posted      Profile for Dafyd   Email Dafyd   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
How do you tell if there's been an elephant in your fridge?
Footsteps in the butter.

How do you tell if there's been two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footsteps in the butter.

How do you tell if there's been three elephants in your fridge?
Don't be silly; you can't fit three elephants in a fridge.

How do elephants hide in the jungle?
They paint their balls red and climb a cherry tree.

How do elephants climb a cherry tree?
They plant a cherry stone and sit on top of it.

How do elephants get down from the cherry tree?
They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

How do you get four elephants in a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back.

How do you get two whales in a mini?
Cross the Severn Bridge.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.

--------------------
we remain, thanks to original sin, much in love with talking about, rather than with, one another. Rowan Williams

Posts: 10567 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

 - Posted      Profile for balaam   Author's homepage   Email balaam   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What is yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.

What is yellow and points north? A magnetic banana.

--------------------
Last ever sig ...

blog

Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

 - Posted      Profile for Spike   Email Spike   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.


Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the monkey

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

 - Posted      Profile for Spike   Email Spike   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What's yellow and smells of bananas?

Monkey sick

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pegasus

Shipmate
# 1966

 - Posted      Profile for Pegasus     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
My favourite joke from the elephant litany, which Dafyd has missed out (comes after "How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge):

Q How do you know there are four elephants in your fridge?

A There's a mini parked outside.

Posts: 1207 | From: Ruritania | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668

 - Posted      Profile for Stercus Tauri   Email Stercus Tauri   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Another ancient one...

There was this Presbyterian elder, a rather sharp business man, whose time was up. “Sorry”, said St Peter, “but it’s not looking good for you. Take the ‘down’ elevator over there.” So the elder heads down with a certain amount of apprehension, knowing he’ll soon be reacquainted some former customers and fellow elders.

“Mornin’,“ says the demon at the gate, “Come along in - we’ve been expecting you. I’ll give you the tour and you can choose your option for eternal suffering.” They walk along the corridors and look in various doors. In the first one there were hundreds of naked people going wild and clearly having a hell of a time. The elder thought about it, and then realised you could get tired of that stuff pretty quickly, if it didn’t kill you first. “No thanks”, he says. Inside the next door it all looked pretty traditional, with the usual sulphurous fires, demons with red hot forks, and screams of anguish. He’d sat through enough session meetings, and wanted no more of that. In the next one there were people standing around chatting and drinking tea, the only drawback being that they were knee deep in sewage. Thinking that he could probably get used to the smell - it was a lot like the business world, after all - he tells the demon, “I think I can handle that. I’ll take it”. So the demon shows him through the door and slams it behind them before yelling at the assembly of the damned, “Tea break’s over - back on your heads!”

--------------------
Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)

Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged
Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28

 - Posted      Profile for Nicolemr   Author's homepage   Email Nicolemr   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
This is literally an old joke, you have to pretend you're back in the 1970s to get it.

Did you hear the good news and the bad news about the Iranian hostage situation? The good news is Bo Derek has offered to go to Iran and use her femmine wiles on the Ayatollah to get him to release the hostages. The bad news is Ted Kennedy is driving her to the airport.

--------------------
On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!

Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

 - Posted      Profile for Kelly Alves   Email Kelly Alves   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Oh, Ted Kennedy jokes, is it?

Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and Ted Kennedy are standing on the deck of the Titanic. It hits the iceberg.

Jimmy Carter: Women and children first!

Ronald Reagan: SCREW the women and children!

Teddy Kennedy: Is there time?!

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Stejjie
Shipmate
# 13941

 - Posted      Profile for Stejjie   Author's homepage   Email Stejjie   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Starbug:
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.

--------------------
A not particularly-alt-worshippy, fairly mainstream, mildly evangelical, vaguely post-modern-ish Baptist

Posts: 1117 | From: Urmston, Manchester, UK | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged
Lord Jestocost
Shipmate
# 12909

 - Posted      Profile for Lord Jestocost   Email Lord Jestocost   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
On New Year's Eve, a snail crawls into a pub. It slowly navigates its way through the trampling feet of the revellers and reaches the bar. Up it goes, inch by inch, until it's reached the top. It looks the barman in the eye and says:

"Pint of bitter, please."

"Sorry, we don't serve snails."

"Oh go on."

"Nope." Bartender taps the notice. "Strictly no gastropodic molluscs".

"Oh, please!"

"Nope."

"Go on …"

And so, until eventually the bartender loses his temper, picks the snail up, strides across the room and flings it out into the darkness.

A year passes.

The next New Year's Eve, a snail crawls into a pub. It slowly navigates its way through the trampling feet of the revellers and reaches the bar. Up it goes, inch by inch, until it's reached the top. It looks the barman in the eye and says:

"What did you do that for?"

Posts: 761 | From: The Instrumentality of Man | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged
Caissa
Shipmate
# 16710

 - Posted      Profile for Caissa     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the first one would have seen it.
Posts: 972 | From: Saint John, N.B. | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged
Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

 - Posted      Profile for Albertus     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Feminist joke by Bill Bailey:

Three women walk into a bar and say 'Hooray! We've colonised a male-dominated joke format.'

--------------------
My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076

 - Posted      Profile for Gwai   Email Gwai   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
There are other jokes related to the elephant series too. For instance:

How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?
Open door, insert elephant, shut door.

How do you get a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Open door, take out the elephant, insert giraffe, shut door.

The lions threw a party and invited all the animals. They all came except for one. Which?
The giraffe. He was still in the refrigerator.

How do you get across an alligator-infested river?
Just wade in, all the alligators are at the party.

--------------------
A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.


Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
shamwari
Shipmate
# 15556

 - Posted      Profile for shamwari   Email shamwari   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
An English maths teacher and a Canadian lumberjack got married.

They decided to use the logarithym method.

(sp excepted)

[ 29. July 2013, 14:15: Message edited by: shamwari ]

Posts: 1914 | From: from the abyss of misunderstanding | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891

 - Posted      Profile for The Phantom Flan Flinger   Author's homepage   Email The Phantom Flan Flinger   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
You'll need to have grown up in the UK, and be of a certain age to get this one:

2 cigarettes walking down the road, see a man wearing a cape, with his underpants on the outside of his tights.

They ask him “are you Superman”? He nods.
They ask again “are you really Superman”? He nods again.

They ask “why won’t you speak”?

Superman answers “Because I never say yes to a cigarette!”

--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

 - Posted      Profile for Albertus     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Referencing shamwari:

When the Great Flood receded Noah opened the door or the Ark and told all the animals to go forth and multiply. They all did, apart from one pair of snakes.
'Why can't you go and multiply?' asked Noah.
'Because we're adders', replied the snakes.
'Well, go and do your best', said Noah, and off the adders went.
A few weks later the adders returned to see Noah with brood of baby adders in tow. 'well done!', said Noah: ' so you did find a way to multiply, then!'
'Yes' said the adders:' we found a log'.

--------------------
My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829

 - Posted      Profile for Sandemaniac   Email Sandemaniac   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the noisiest thing in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

*Boom* *tish*, I thank you!

AG

--------------------
"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869

Posts: 3574 | From: The wardrobe of my soul | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

 - Posted      Profile for Firenze     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the noisiest thing in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

*Boom* *tish*, I thank you!

AG

Old is one thing, recycled within the same thread another.

It's bad enough, as Host, having to read some of these once....

Firenze
Heaven Host

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Lord Jestocost
Shipmate
# 12909

 - Posted      Profile for Lord Jestocost   Email Lord Jestocost   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
Quasimodo runs into a bar and knocks himself out. One of the punters looks down at his still form and asks, "Who's that, then?"

"Dunno," says another, "but his face rings a bell."

Posts: 761 | From: The Instrumentality of Man | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged
Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668

 - Posted      Profile for Stercus Tauri   Email Stercus Tauri   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
We need one old light bulb joke...

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
(This is in Canada. Your local practices may differ ).

Six, and this is clearly laid down in the Book of Forms. Their offices are defined as follows: one to change the bulb after prayerful thought and discussion by the appropriate committee(s), and five to constitute a General Assembly Special Committee charged with investigating and reporting back to the following year's Assembly on the roots of the grievances of those whose faith and convictions caused them to adhere to the old one, to recommend appropriate pastoral care and counselling for the injured parties, and to make recommendations that will reduce the likelihood of such occurrences in the future. The Principal Clerk will be an ex-officio member and the Committee on Church Doctrine will act in an advisory capacity.

--------------------
Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)

Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged
balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

 - Posted      Profile for balaam   Author's homepage   Email balaam   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Change?

------------

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. But how they got in there.....

--------------------
Last ever sig ...

blog

Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Oscar P.
Shipmate
# 10412

 - Posted      Profile for Oscar P.   Email Oscar P.   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
To add to the elephant jokes:

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
--by the "E" on his pajamas

How can you fit 5 elephants in a car?
--two in the front, two in the back, one in the glove compartment

Posts: 93 | From: Gateway to the West | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
AngloCatholicGirl
Shipmate
# 16435

 - Posted      Profile for AngloCatholicGirl   Email AngloCatholicGirl   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
A horse walks into a bar..says the barman 'why the long face?'

--------------------
Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 75 | From: Now from across the pond | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged
tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533

 - Posted      Profile for tessaB   Email tessaB   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

Baby polar bear goes up to his mother -
"Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are dear, go and play." Five minutes later -
"Mummy, am I really a real polar bear?"
"Yes darling, I've said so already." five minutes later -
"Mummy, am I really a real, real polar bear?"
"Of course you are you silly, why do you ask?"
"Because I'm bloody cold!"


I'm sorry [Hot and Hormonal] I just love that one.

--------------------
tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye

Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
Angloid
Shipmate
# 159

 - Posted      Profile for Angloid     Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
This publican has a faithful dog - let's call him Fido - who has a nasty accident and dies, losing his tail in the process. His grief-stricken owner buries the remains of his canine friend, but discovers the severed tail and to remind all his customers, mounts it in a glass case in the public bar. The landlord then suffers several nights of disturbed sleep as he is kept awake by a dog howling in a way which is eerily reminiscent of his beloved Fido. Eventually he can stand it no more and opens his window; the ghost of Fido leaps into the bedroom. He beckons the landlord downstairs into the bar and looks up at the preserved tail with sadness in his eyes. The man realises that he will continue to be haunted until Fido gets his tail back, but he shakes his head sadly and says to the ghost, 'I'm really sorry, Fido, but you know the law as well as I do. I can't retail spirits after hours.'

--------------------
Brian: You're all individuals!
Crowd: We're all individuals!
Lone voice: I'm not!

Posts: 12927 | From: The Pool of Life | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

 - Posted      Profile for Spike   Email Spike   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?

My grandmother donated that light bulb in 1947. You can't change it!

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891

 - Posted      Profile for The Phantom Flan Flinger   Author's homepage   Email The Phantom Flan Flinger   Send new private message       Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but there will need to be at least 3 church meetings to approve the change.

--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119

 - Posted      Profile for Kaplan Corday         Edit/delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Oh, Ted Kennedy jokes, is it?


Bumper sticker from when Ted was on an anti-nuclear kick: "More people died at Chappaquiddick than at Three Mile Island".
Posts: 3355 | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged



Pages in this thread: 1  2  3 
 
Post new thread  Post a reply Close thread   Feature thread   Move thread   Delete thread Next oldest thread   Next newest thread
 - Printer-friendly view
Go to:

Contact us | Ship of Fools | Privacy statement

© Ship of Fools 2016

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.5.0

 
follow ship of fools on twitter
buy your ship of fools postcards
sip of fools mugs from your favourite nautical website
 
 
  ship of fools