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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Old Jokes Home...
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Trickydicky
Shipmate
# 16550
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Posted
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, and Irishman, an American, a Canadian,a Vietnamese, a Russian, an Auzzie, a New Zealander, an Egyptian, a Khazakstani walk into a pub...
...bouncer says 'you can't come in without a Thai'.
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If something's worth doing, its worth doing badly. (G K Chesterton)
Posts: 57 | From: Greater Manchester | Registered: Jul 2011
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Jigsaw
Shipmate
# 11433
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the noisiest thing in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
*Boom* *tish*, I thank you!
AG
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You are not alone in this.
Posts: 743 | From: Snorbens, UK | Registered: May 2006
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Jigsaw
Shipmate
# 11433
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
AG
[/QUOTE]
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? Well, that just shows what a good disguise it is.
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You are not alone in this.
Posts: 743 | From: Snorbens, UK | Registered: May 2006
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Horseman Bree
Shipmate
# 5290
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Posted
Granny was renowned for her fruit pies, especially in the surface presentation.
Granddaughter Emily asked about this one day, so Granny spent a long time going over the exact way to roll out the pastry, to transfer the bottom layer into the pan, the exact amount of filling to put in, the proper way to lay on the crust, and, finally, how to take out one's teeth and use them to get the crimping of the edge to be uniform.
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It's Not That Simple
Posts: 5372 | From: more herring choker than bluenose | Registered: Dec 2003
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Timothy the Obscure
Mostly Friendly
# 292
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Posted
A seafaring man walks into a bar carrying a large case. He asks the bartender, "If I show you something amazing will you stand me a drink?"
The bartender says, "If it's good enough. What have you got?"
The sailor opens the case, which expands into a miniature proscenium stage, on which is a little man in a tuxedo, exactly a foot tall, and a tiny piano. He sits down and begins to play "The Moonlight Sonata."
The bartender pours the sailor a drink and asks "How'd you come by him?"
"Arrrgh, well, me and me mates Jack and Sam were shipwrecked on a desert island for a week. Then one day we found a bottle on the beach and pulled the cork, and a genie popped out. He said, 'normally I give three wishes for being freed, but since there's three of you you each get one.' So Jack wished for a 70 foot motor yacht to get us home. Sam wished for a million dollars to spend when we got back to civilization. And I... well..." He hesitates, looking embarrassed.
The bartender, puzzled, says, "And you wished for that?"
"Aarrrgh, mate! No, I certainly did not wish for a 12-inch pianist!"
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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- C. P. Snow
Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Of course, luv! I think you may have taught me that.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
My son’s favourite joke (when he was 10)
What’s dangerous and swings through the trees? A gorilla with a machine gun…..
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
OK, forgive me for telling this one once again:
A man was walking down 47nd St in Manhattan. The band of his vintage Rolex chafed him, so he unbuckled it to adjust it. To his horror, the watch slipped off his wrist and the crystal shattered.
He pocketed the watch and kept walking, and was happy to see a storefront with a large grandfather clock in the window. He rushed inside and found there an old, bespectacled man in a yarmulke.
"Mister, my watch just broke, how much to fix it?" the man cried.
"I'm sorry I don't fix watches. I am a mohel"
"A what?"
"A mohel. I perform the bris, my friend. "
"Then why the hell do you have a clock in your window?"
The old man shrugged. "What would YOU put in the window?"
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-------
Knock Knock
Who;s there?
To
To who?
To whom.
-------
I was reading a book on anti-gravity, but put it down because it was boring.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
One which is best spoken because of the spelling:
What's brown and comes out of cows?
The Isle of Wight ferry.
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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?
Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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Ann
Curious
# 94
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Posted
It is spring; the sun is shining and it feels warm for the first time in six months. A snail is crossing the lawn on the way to a hot date with joy in his heart. He’s so happy at the weather and the chance of meeting a girl snail that he can’t help singing,
“Cha-nson d’A-mo-o-ore … ”
And the lawn-mower joins in:
“Rat-ta-ta-ta-tat!”
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Ann
Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001
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Niminypiminy
Shipmate
# 15489
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
No, no, no! As my aspie son has it,
What's brown and sticky?
Mud
Makes me laugh every time
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Lives of the Saints: songs by The Unequal Struggle
http://www.theunequalstruggle.com/
Posts: 776 | From: Edge of the Fens | Registered: Feb 2010
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
A new cabin boy joins a pirate ship and gets talking to the head pirate who had a wooden leg, a hook instead of a right hand, and a patch over one eye.
Boy : How did you come to have a wooden leg ?
Pirate : Well me lad , we were boarding a ship one day and dis ere cannon-ball took me leg clean off below the knee .
Boy : Wow ! How did you come to have a metal hook for a hand ?
Pirate : Well me lad , we was on dis ere island fighting over a chest of treasure, and this other pirate took me right hand clean off wiv his cutlass .
Boy : Wow ! One more question . How did you come to lose an eye ?
Pirate : Well me lad , I was lookin up at the sky one day to see if a storm was brewing and a seagull shat straight in me eye .
Boy (less impressed) : Oh , so a seagull was to blame for you losing an eye .
Pirate : Well not exactly me lad , it's just that it had to happen the day after they fitted this bleedin hook .
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Darllenwr
Shipmate
# 14520
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Posted
To appreciate this one, you probably have to know that Blaenau Ffestiniog is a very sleepy village (surrounded by slate tips) in North Wales. It was once a very busy village, but that's another story. It is also a Welsh-speaking village.
The story is told of an American tourist who (like many others) fetched up in Blaenau Ffestiniog. Unlike most of his kind, he stayed for several days in the village. Came the day when he wanted to send a post card home to the USA. He didn't have the proper postage so paid a visit to the Post Office.
There were just three people in the queue ahead of him, so he was not desperately concerned about the wait.
He was rather more concerned when he finally reached the window half an hour later. Very sarcastic, he leans over the counter and addresses the clerk on the other side.
"Tell me, in this Welsh language of yours, do you have any equivalent to the Spanish word 'Manana'?"
The clerk looks him up and down carefully and appears to consider for a moment before replying,
"No. Nothing, I think, with quite that sense of urgency."
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If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: I do not exaggerate!
Posts: 1101 | From: The catbox | Registered: Jan 2009
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Starbug
Shipmate
# 15917
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Posted
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb has to want to change itself.
[ 03. August 2013, 20:25: Message edited by: Starbug ]
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“Oh the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?” ― The Day of the Doctor
Posts: 1189 | From: West of the New Forest | Registered: Sep 2010
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Niminypiminy:
quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
No, no, no! As my aspie son has it,
What's brown and sticky?
Mud
Makes me laugh every time
What's brown and steams and comes out of cows* backwards?
The Isle of Wight ferry!
*Cowes
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Albertus:
What's brown and steams and comes out of cows* backwards?
The Isle of Wight ferry!
*Cowes
Sigh.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
Sorry- should have read entire thread!
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My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Mogwai
Shipmate
# 13555
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Posted
A yogi goes to a vegan hotdog stand, hands over $20 and says "Make me one with everything!
Chuckling, he takes his bun and waits for his change. When he asks for the rest of his cash,the seller says sagelly "Change comesfrom within".
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:love:
Posts: 704 | Registered: Apr 2008
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Woman goes into a bar, looks along the optics, and says 'barman, get me a double entendre'.
So the barman gives her one.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Thurible
Shipmate
# 3206
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Posted
What's the definition of rhubarb?
Embarrassed celery.
Thurible
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"I've been baptised not lobotomised."
Posts: 8049 | Registered: Aug 2002
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ann:
It is spring; the sun is shining and it feels warm for the first time in six months. A snail is crossing the lawn on the way to a hot date with joy in his heart. He’s so happy at the weather and the chance of meeting a girl snail that he can’t help singing,
“Cha-nson d’A-mo-o-ore … ”
And the lawn-mower joins in:
“Rat-ta-ta-ta-tat!”
That reminds me of the old television programme
Are you being served? One of the younger characters sang that.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
One from twitter here:
"I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I'm in a really bad place. Can I call you back when I have left Milton Keynes?"
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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The Rhythm Methodist
Shipmate
# 17064
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Posted
Just to lower the standard....
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere.....over the rainbow....weigh a pie.
(It helps if you sing it, but perhaps not enough!)
Posts: 202 | From: Wales | Registered: Apr 2012
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
Well, if you want to sing your punchline...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
(singing) Sam and Janet evening...
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jun 2005
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angelica37
Shipmate
# 8478
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Posted
Did you know that when your pet hamster dies if you boil it with sugar and bury it in a glass jar flowers will grow from it in the spring?
You must have heard of 'Tulips from hamster jam!
Posts: 1351 | From: Suffolk | Registered: Sep 2004
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Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354
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Posted
My son's favourite when he was at junior school:
Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale-weigh station!
Posts: 577 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
The elders at a traditional church hired their first female preacher, and they were both nervous and perplexed. “A woman preacher,” they muttered amongst themselves, filled with misgivings. “How’s this going to work? We’ve always taken the new preacher out fishing with us so we can get to know each other,” they said. “But is that what to do when the preacher’s a lady?”
They tossed ideas for alternatives back and forth, but there were problems with all of them. Having a female preacher was turning out to be a headache, and she hadn’t even appeared yet. They finally decided to go ahead with the traditional fishing trip. The new preacher, reached by phone, said that was fine with her.
The big day dawned. The elders arrived at the dock, one by one, with their fishing gear, and soon the preacher joined them. The elders got a little tongue-tied as they tried to greet the new preacher while the fishing gear got loaded into the boat.
Finally, they set forth for the best fishing spot, way out in the middle of the lake. Only after they arrived was it discovered that the preacher’s fishing rod had never been loaded on board, and was still sitting on the dock. The elders looked askance at each other, grumbling a bit under their breath, realizing that the day would be ruined if they had to go all the way back in to get the preacher’s gear, and then go back out again. There'd barely be time for fishing.
“Oh, no, no,” the new preacher said. “I wouldn’t dream of spoiling your fishing. You go right ahead without me. I’ll just go back and get the rod myself.” And with that, she climbed over the side of the boat and began walking toward the far-off dock over the surface of the water.
The head elder watched her for a moment, then grunted and turned to the others, shaking his head.
“I hate to say it,” he said, “but isn’t that just like a woman?”
"What do you mean?" the others asked.
The head elder snorted in disgust. “Forgetting her rod that way.”
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Mamacita
Lakefront liberal
# 3659
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Posted
What's red, white and grey?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold outtide.
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Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.
Posts: 20761 | From: where the purple line ends | Registered: Dec 2002
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
What's the difference between a viola player and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sight read.
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
What's the difference between a viola player and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sight read.
[digression]This last one is actually true. There are a number of amateur musical societies where the voices are actually:
1. Soprano
2. non-musical ladies who can only sing the tune regardless of their natural pitch;
3. Contralto. One only. Actually a soprano who is made to do it because she can hold a line.
4. non-musical ladies who can only sing the tune but owing to too many Benson and Hedges do it down an octave. At least one required;
5. male sopranors - listed as tenors but actually are non-musical gentlemen who sing the tune, an octave down, in unison with the ladies of the fourth section.
6. Tenor. One only allowed. Needn't actually be able to do anything above Eb without singing falsetto.
7. Bass.
8. Monotone drone bass.
Everyone knows about the existence of 2, 4, 5 and 8, and who's in those sections (i.e. nearly everyone), but it is never, ever spoken of.
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
What do you call a Host wearing eight balaclavas?
Anything you like - they can't hear you.
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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?
Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
What chord does a piano strike when thrown down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Jengie
[ 07. August 2013, 12:01: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
What chord does a piano strike when thrown down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Jengie
Thatcher's favourite key.
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Pegasus
Shipmate
# 1966
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Posted
What chord does a pians strike when it lands on an army?
A flat major
Posts: 1207 | From: Ruritania | Registered: Apr 2004
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You 'neak up on it.
********************************
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. You 'neak up on it.
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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would love to belong
Shipmate
# 16747
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Posted
An older guy from the Hebrides goes on his first visit to London.
He is wandering around Soho and goes into a pub and gets into conversation with a rather attractive young lady.
After a while he asks her "And what are you doing here, my dear?"
She replies "I'm a call* girl".
Greatly cheered, the visitor responds "I'm from Tiree m'self!"
* Coll
Posts: 331 | From: Lost and confused | Registered: Oct 2011
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would love to belong
Shipmate
# 16747
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Posted
A wee Glasgow guy is walking down the street with his dug Rover who is foaming at the mouth and snarling ferociously. He bumps into his pal who asks him where he's going with the animal.
"I'm going to the vet to get Rover put down".
His pal replies looks at Rover and asks "Is he mad?"
The owner replies "Well, he's no too pleased about it".
Posts: 331 | From: Lost and confused | Registered: Oct 2011
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Speaking of dog jokes . . .
A man walking down the street noticed another man sitting on a bench with his dog alongside him, around whose neck hung a sign, "Dog for sale."
"That's a great looking dog," said the first man. "Why are you selling it?" "Better let the dog tell you," the second man replied.
Whereupon the dog began: "I've lived a long and productive life. I was born into a circus family and did tricks for a while until they discovered I was good at jumping through flaming hoops. After that they had me trained as a rescue dog, and I spent several years pulling people out of burning buildings. But I'm old now and ready to retire to a nice, quiet home where a new owner will have me."
"Wow!" the first man exclaimed. "That's a really special dog. I really don't understand why you want to sell him."
"Because he's a damn liar!" the second man retorted. "Don't believe a word he says!"
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Good one!
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
What do you call a Host with a machine gun?
Sir.
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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?
Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Rogue:
Sir.
![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Ann
Curious
# 94
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Posted
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
A weasel is weaselly recognisable but a stoat is stoatally different!
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Ann
Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001
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would love to belong
Shipmate
# 16747
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Posted
A wee salmon is spawned on the waters of Loch Lomond and is called Rusty.
Rusty grows up to be a bigger salmon and eventually the great day arrives when he sets off to explore the great, wide world.
He swims down the River Leven to the River Clyde, into the Firth of Clyde and eventually reaches the Atlantic Ocean and swims across to Canada where he spends several years making his fortune and having lots of adventures and meeting and marrying a beautiful Canadian salmon who becomes Mrs Rusty.
In due course, it is time for Rusty to return to his home in Loch Lomond to do what a salmon has to do to ensure the procreation of more little salmon.
Rusty swims all the way back across the North Atlantic to the Firth of Clyde, up the Clyde and the Leven and finds a nice wee bolthole in Loch Lomond at Inversnaid.
He finds life quite dull, though, missing his exciting life with his Canadian salmon friends.
To pass the time he decides to write a book about his adventurous life. The only problem he has is finding a suitable title which might result in a Booker Prize nomination.
After a lot of thought he settles upon The Atlantic Ventures by Salmon Rusty.
[ 08. August 2013, 04:14: Message edited by: would love to belong ]
Posts: 331 | From: Lost and confused | Registered: Oct 2011
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tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533
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Posted
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
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tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye
Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004
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would love to belong
Shipmate
# 16747
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Posted
What's the difference between God and a doctor?
God doesn't think He's a doctor.
Posts: 331 | From: Lost and confused | Registered: Oct 2011
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would love to belong
Shipmate
# 16747
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Posted
Man A: I went to Timothy White's to buy a thermos flask but they didn't have any left.
Man B: Have you tried Boots?
Man A: Ah did, but the tea just came out the lace holes.
Posts: 331 | From: Lost and confused | Registered: Oct 2011
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