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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hate at First Sight
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
A few days ago, I saw a man walking to the same shop I was walking towards and my first thought was that I did not like him. He did nothing rude, said nothing at all and did not look anywhere but at his wife. Something about him triggered dislike.
At first this bothered me, however, after a bit of examination, it began to intrigue me. We often make snap judgements, it is in our nature. And some credit such things as "love at first sight", and the ability read human character instantly, notions which I have always thought as bollocks.
However, we do process non-verbal cues in a less than fully conscious manner.
So, how much do you think we can actually ascertain in the first moments of an encounter?
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Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
A few days ago, I saw a man walking to the same shop I was walking towards and my first thought was that I did not like him. He did nothing rude, said nothing at all and did not look anywhere but at his wife. Something about him triggered dislike.
At first this bothered me, however, after a bit of examination, it began to intrigue me. We often make snap judgements, it is in our nature. And some credit such things as "love at first sight", and the ability read human character instantly, notions which I have always thought as bollocks.
However, we do process non-verbal cues in a less than fully conscious manner.
So, how much do you think we can actually ascertain in the first moments of an encounter?
Another interesting thing about this (at least in my experience, others may come along to disagree), is that snap dislike is a lot harder to work around or through over time than the opposite, where you like someone instantly for some indefinable reason. Does this mean we are merely predisposed to dislike people, or is there some qualitative difference between a negative bias and a positive bias?
Yet another, for me, is that I find it immensely hard to dislike people who I find funny, even when I really should dislike them based on their stated views on things, or their behaviours, or history, whatever. People who are funny get a free ticket, for some reason. I find a way to excuse the other stuff. Perhaps because laughter is such good medicine, I don't know.
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The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
When I take an instant dislike to someone, it is usually because they remind me in some way of someone I dislike.
Moo
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Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
That is why first impressions are important. For things like job interviews how you walk into the room is as important as what you say or how good your CV is.
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Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Penny S
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# 14768
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Posted
I've had a few instances. One was seeing the back of someone arriving at school for interview. My first imprssion was that he walked just like someone I had liked very much indeed earlier in my life, very energetic and purposeful. Immediately afterwards, something said - not him, please. I had no part in the interview process, but found his appointment interesting. It was an opportunity to test impressions. He left the school after a year for various reasons. He had not impressed. That was interesting.
Then there was the guy who had seemed to be a friend of a friend of a friend. I had been slightly primed that there might be negative aspects. I saw him walk up to give a talk, thought he was fairly good looking, and then picked up something else. By the end of his talk I had the feeling that if he were the last dentist on earth and I had a mouth full of abcesses, I would row over the channel, find a brick and some string, and pull my teeth out myself. Subsequent behaviour has confirmed his unsuitability for trust.
And another teacher, same feeling that he wasn't the right one on first thought. Still there, years later, but others have left the school, or insisted on being in different year groups, or had their job descriptions rewritten, rather than be line managed by him. He has some sort of pull.
I don't like going on first negative impressions, but am prepared to use them as a warning. The brain can pick up subtle clues about people. and there have been enough people I have not picked up warnings about, thought they were OK, and they've turned out to be really difficult, for me not to dismiss any warnings that do appear.
[ 17. November 2013, 13:10: Message edited by: Penny S ]
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
I rarely have the "hate at first sight" experience, but when I do I find it a bit mystifying. I'll often spend a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out where the feelings are coming from, without much success. My guess at this point is that there's something subtle in the person's mannerisms that reminds me of someone else who has hurt or threatened me in the past.
quote:
Originally posted by anoesis:
Yet another, for me, is that I find it immensely hard to dislike people who I find funny, even when I really should dislike them based on their stated views on things, or their behaviours, or history, whatever. People who are funny get a free ticket, for some reason. I find a way to excuse the other stuff. Perhaps because laughter is such good medicine, I don't know.
This is true, and often damaging. Here in the US some of our worst politicians have been pols who have a innate charm and wit that is appealing, even when they're advocating disastrous policies that take the country down a ruinous road. Some remain intensely popular despite their record, simply because of their witty one-liners.
Similarly, I attended a women's retreat once hosted by a church I'd previously pastored. I knew them to be quite conservative theologically, and not exactly open to new, more liberal ideas. I was bemused to find that the speaker they'd chosen turned out to be quite liberal (far more so than I could ever have gotten away with) but also really hilarious. They loved her, and didn't even seem to notice some of the more jaw-dropping things she said.
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Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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MrsBeaky
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# 17663
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Posted
I don't like myself when I judge people but I have learned that sometimes I should listen to those first impressions.....
A few years a man arrived at the church where I worshiped. I immediately felt there was something really unsavoury and untrustworthy about him. Then he joined the church and was absolutely charming and I rebuked myself for being judgmental. Within a few months it became clear that he was not what he seemed to be: he was very manipulative and took several church members for considerable sums of money....how I wished I'd listened to the first impression and helped others to be less trusting without being unpleasant or unkind to him.
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Posts: 693 | From: UK/ Kenya | Registered: Apr 2013
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Martin60
Shipmate
# 368
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Posted
What a brilliant OP.
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Posts: 17586 | From: Never Dobunni after all. Corieltauvi after all. Just moved to the capital. | Registered: Jun 2001
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
Then there was the guy who had seemed to be a friend of a friend of a friend. I had been slightly primed that there might be negative aspects. I saw him walk up to give a talk, thought he was fairly good looking, and then picked up something else. By the end of his talk I had the feeling that if he were the last dentist on earth and I had a mouth full of abcesses, I would row over the channel, find a brick and some string, and pull my teeth out myself. Subsequent behaviour has confirmed his unsuitability for trust.
We tend to remember those instances which confirm our bias, so unless one marks down every first impression to compare, this is a difficult measurement.
quote:
Originally posted by anoesis:
Yet another, for me, is that I find it immensely hard to dislike people who I find funny, even when I really should dislike them based on their stated views on things, or their behaviours, or history, whatever. People who are funny get a free ticket, for some reason. I find a way to excuse the other stuff.
This is a very interesting, if slightly tangential, topic. We forgive those who entertain us. This is understandable, but to our detriment.
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
This is true, and often damaging. Here in the US some of our worst politicians have been pols who have a innate charm and wit that is appealing, even when they're advocating disastrous policies that take the country down a ruinous road. Some remain intensely popular despite their record, simply because of their witty one-liners.
Charisma, I think, not one-liners. Think Reagan and Clinton.
quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
What a brilliant OP.
Fear not, I'll manage to muck it up before too long. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I agree that we tend to remember when impressions are confirmed, and not compare with all the others, but I do generally not have any impressions at all to compare. Smile, greet, either accept into range of amicable acquaintances or never see again.
There are some people I would dearly like to have had warnings about. Knowing who is likely to remember every little thing you say* and then use it against you months or years later would be useful. In the absence of warnings, after a few instances, one feels obliged to treat everyone with extreme caution.
I had forgotten to mention above that my first impression of my best friend was dismissive! And clearly wrong.
*even such things as problems with a boiler!
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
This is true, and often damaging. Here in the US some of our worst politicians have been pols who have a innate charm and wit that is appealing, even when they're advocating disastrous policies that take the country down a ruinous road. Some remain intensely popular despite their record, simply because of their witty one-liners.
Charisma, I think, not one-liners. Think Reagan and Clinton.
Both, I think. Reagan was certainly charming, but he was also the king of one-liners. Same with the insufferable Sarah Palin. Often there's very little content, it's the zingers that are so memorable, at least to a certain segment.
[mended code]
[ 17. November 2013, 21:30: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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LucyP
Shipmate
# 10476
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Posted
To use Daniel Kahneman's framework from "Thinking fast and slow",, your initial impression was fast thinking, based on heuristics, and you are now doing the slow, analytical, ponderous thinking to work out which heuristic you have applied and whether it is appropriate.
An example of an appropriate heuristic would be if you we're good at picking up on certain facial expressions or body language which are highly correlated with an untrustworthy person ( say, if you grew up knowing an uncle who was a suave wastrel and his mannerisms were "typical" of his behaviour, or perhaps if you had worked in an environment such as a prison.) In the case above, maybe the man walked with a swagger which said to you he was a dominant abusive controlling man. Or perhaps he walked with hunch and apologetic manner of a meek Caspar Milquetoast, if you don't like that sort of person.
An example of an inappropriate heuristic would be picking up on facial ( or perhaps racial) resemblance to someone you don't like or trust, even though the specific feature you have picked up has no correlation to behaviour (say, a big nose).
So the challenge is to work out what features led to the snap judgment, and also to determine how good your track record is with reading body language etc - and as someone pointed out, recall bias doesn't help our objectivity!
Posts: 235 | From: my sanctuary | Registered: Sep 2005
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Josephine
Orthodox Belle
# 3899
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Posted
This is interesting. A few years back, we were getting out of the car in the parking lot at church, and greeted a family we'd never met before who were also just arriving. Youngest Son took an instant and intense dislike to the man. I had never seen anything quite like it.
And while I know that memory of such things is vague and unreliable, Youngest Son can't recall ever reacting that way to anyone else. Nor can he recall anything in particular that caused him to feel that way. But, as it turned out, his impression was right.
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
I often see people and take a dislike to them. I wouldn't say it is the physical appearance by itself that I am responding to, but facial expressions, sometimes the way they hold themselves, and especially how they treat others. To me these are often clues to their personality, and that I believe to be a reasonable indicator of what behavior to expect from them.
That's not to say that I react to everyone, or tell if someone is going to embezzle the petty cash fund, but those who appear unpleasant usually are.
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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176
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Posted
I've learned to listen to my spidey-sense. I'm inclined to like and trust people I meet. It's my default setting. However, when I get that weird feeling, I'm usually not wrong.
Last night, a guy came into the bar and I instantly prickled. I told my bartenders to keep an eye on him, because something just didn't feel right. The night ended with our having to call the law out to remove him from the property after he started making violent threats.
I think that inate sense of I don't like you is a survival mechanism.
FWIW
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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs
Posts: 1388 | From: Yorkville, TN | Registered: Sep 2009
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
That seems an interesting book, LucyP, I shall have to read it.
However, beyond heuristic and analytical, there is instinct. Yesterday I saw a heron ~ 50 metres away in a 7 metre high tree. As I turned towards her, she flew away. Instinct. We humans have it too and, just as the heron was wrong regarding my intentions, we are often wrong as well.
Our initial impressions/reactions have a basis, but I question the depth of their efficacy.
quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:
This is interesting. A few years back, we were getting out of the car in the parking lot at church, and greeted a family we'd never met before who were also just arriving. Youngest Son took an instant and intense dislike to the man. I had never seen anything quite like it.
And while I know that memory of such things is vague and unreliable, Youngest Son can't recall ever reacting that way to anyone else. Nor can he recall anything in particular that caused him to feel that way. But, as it turned out, his impression was right.
Whilst I am not doubting the validity of the result, I wonder if the analysis was valid or lucky.
I observe reactions, even in interpersonal encounters. I am good at observing expression, stance, patterns in locomotion, etc. What is less certain is the reason behind any of these.
The initial assessment we make is part of our species survival heritage. I would hope it is more informed than the heron's reaction, but I am not convinced. Not as a general statement, at least.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Carex:
I often see people and take a dislike to them. I wouldn't say it is the physical appearance by itself that I am responding to, but facial expressions, sometimes the way they hold themselves, and especially how they treat others. To me these are often clues to their personality, and that I believe to be a reasonable indicator of what behavior to expect from them.
That's not to say that I react to everyone, or tell if someone is going to embezzle the petty cash fund, but those who appear unpleasant usually are.
I've a longtime friend who is known to have strong initial feeling towards people. He intensely disliked me when we first met. However, as we have mutual friends, we encountered each other regularly. We became boon companions until he relocated too great a distance to make this practical. He has been known to assess this way in both like and dislike, then change 180 often.
Whilst he may be an extreme example, I think he illustrates the question.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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