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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Shit pastors say
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mrs whibley
Shipmate
# 4798
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.
!
I have a horrible feeling I know the vicar in question. PM me please!
I'm now in my mid 50's but on many occasions over the last 10 years I have felt I should
apologise for being in the church as I am too old..
You've reminded me of the time I was visiting a church as, apparently, was the minister preaching on that occasion. He was speaking about a time 50 years hence 'when we would all obviously be dead and gone'. I exchanged a look with the other person there under 45!
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I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous - Mike Yaconelli
Posts: 942 | From: North Lincolnshire | Registered: Aug 2003
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by listener:
"...Keep your hand on the throttle and your eye on the rail as you walk through life's pathway"..
I am seriously considering making this my new sig line!! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Signaller
Shipmate
# 17495
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Posted
Many years ago we had a visiting preacher. He preached about sin, and he was agin it. Nothing to see there, perhaps- but he had a mannerism which this middle-aged middle-class congregation wasn't used to: 'brothers and sisters' peppered his delivery. He told us the story of a young man he had known who had a terrible problem. The preacher was coy about what this problem was, but boy, was it terrible. At last, with the assembled company on the edge of their seats, desperate to find out what the terrible sin was, he came out with it:
'Brothers and sisters (pause); he liked to dress in women's clothes.'
You could have heard a pin drop. Someone let out a strange strangled snort, as of a person trying too hard not to laugh. I realised too late that it was me.
Posts: 113 | From: Metroland | Registered: Jan 2013
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
I knew one who got his wife to counsel a woman who had just found she couldn't have children (because this was Women's Stuff™ ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) ).
The wife said to her, 'Oh, you must have children, or you'll never know what love is.'
Fuck me running. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Pomona
Shipmate
# 17175
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Signaller:
Many years ago we had a visiting preacher. He preached about sin, and he was agin it. Nothing to see there, perhaps- but he had a mannerism which this middle-aged middle-class congregation wasn't used to: 'brothers and sisters' peppered his delivery. He told us the story of a young man he had known who had a terrible problem. The preacher was coy about what this problem was, but boy, was it terrible. At last, with the assembled company on the edge of their seats, desperate to find out what the terrible sin was, he came out with it:
'Brothers and sisters (pause); he liked to dress in women's clothes.'
You could have heard a pin drop. Someone let out a strange strangled snort, as of a person trying too hard not to laugh. I realised too late that it was me.
Ohhhh that reminds me of something I'd successfully blocked out Some years ago I was at the 4pm cafe church style family service of a conservative evangelical Anglican church I attended. At this church, the sermon series would be the same at the 4pm and 7pm services, with 10am service going by the lectionary. The 10am service and 4pm service both had Sunday school for the children during the sermon, but at the 4pm service generally those aged 10 and over stayed for the sermon. This is relevant, I promise! This church had a number of retired clergy who preached, and one with ahem, interesting social skills was preaching that day. I can't remember what the theme of the sermon was exactly but sexual sin came into it somehow. It ended up becoming a sermon on the sins of swingers for a congregation full of teens and pre-teens ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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Consider the work of God: Who is able to straighten what he has bent? [Ecclesiastes 7:13]
Posts: 5319 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Maybe they learned something new. But probably not. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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ChaliceGirl
Shipmate
# 13656
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Posted
In my former parish, the rector thought it would be a good idea to have his wife guest preach (she is also an Episcopal priest). She started out her sermon, in all seriousness, with "Something traumatic happened to me....I had to take my generaal ordination exam." I kept waiting for the "traumatic" part of the story and it never came. No disrespect to clergy who had to endure this intense exam, but I hardly call it "traumatic!" Since she was the rector's wife, we all just very polite and didn't say out loud how lame a preacher she was.
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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.
"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats
Posts: 710 | From: Philadelphia, PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2008
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
Great thread. I'm tempted to print it off and keep it.
I'm sure I've pastardized many a sermon. Sometimes I look back on my old computer copies of sermons and blush. The more I think about the responsibility of preaching, the less I want to do it. ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif)
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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mrs whibley
Shipmate
# 4798
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
Great thread. I'm tempted to print it off and keep it.
I'm sure I've pastardized many a sermon. Sometimes I look back on my old computer copies of sermons and blush. The more I think about the responsibility of preaching, the less I want to do it.
I think this is one of those things where if you actually care, then you can't have gone far wrong! Or you could always atone by preaching a 'stupid things I have said in sermons' sermon.
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I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous - Mike Yaconelli
Posts: 942 | From: North Lincolnshire | Registered: Aug 2003
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churchgeek
Have candles, will pray
# 5557
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Posted
Not a Pastard, just a really meandering preacher: This retired priest who sometimes presides at weekday Mass has, on multiple occasions, found a way to work into his over-extended homily that he knows Ann B. Davis ("Alice" on the Brady Bunch). Which has never, in even the remotest way, had anything to do with the readings of the day, but neither did the rest of his homily.
quote:
Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:
Same Pastard told me that people who are going to commit suicide never talk about it, and those who talk about it never do it.
That was in response to me telling him that I was having SI as a direct result of overwork for the church. One month later I had a nervous breakdown.
Pastard.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I remember a youth pastor preaching to our youth group that suicide is the most selfish sin. Great, I thought, one more thing to feel guilty about when you're feeling suicidal.
quote:
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
On a bad day, it's hard to tell the difference between him and the south end of a northbound donkey.
That just went into the Quotes thread.
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I reserve the right to change my mind.
My article on the Virgin of Vladimir
Posts: 7773 | From: Detroit | Registered: Feb 2004
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
Mine goes back to the days of my youth, and involves what we might call a bishard. It was an RC confirmation service, which at the time was mostly 8-11 year old confirmands, and His Grace said that his homily was directed at the adults in the congregation so we youngsters shouldn't listen. He then used his homily to preach on the evils of contraception, no doubt inspired by how many children were in front of him. Not even my parents thought the bishop was playing with a full deck that day.
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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor
At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken
Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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Charles Read
Shipmate
# 3963
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Posted
The scene is the vicarage lounge of a friend of ours on Christmas Day. It is after church and we are having pre-lunch drinkies having just attended the service which she has taken at the church next door. She is the minister of another church too (St Pius) and has sent her two curates to take the service there - X to preside and Y to preach at an All Age Eucharist.
The 'phone rings in the study; our friend goes off to answer it. She returns looking ashen and saying 'Oh my God. That was the churchwarden of St Pius. She said "I just want to tell you what happened this morning before anyone else phones you to complain".'
I said 'It was X wasn't it - has she sworn at someone while leading the service again?'
'No, it was Y. On Christmas Day, at an all age eucharist, he decided to preach on suffering and death. In graphic detail'
We all reach for more sherry. She refused to train any more curates.
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"I am a sinful human being - why do you expect me to be consistent?" George Bebawi
"This is just unfocussed wittering." Ian McIntosh
Posts: 701 | From: Norwich | Registered: Jan 2003
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Anglo Catholic Relict
Shipmate
# 17213
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Posted
I love the new terms coined in this thread; Pastard and Bishard. And praught for past tense of preach.
I am going to use these forever. Maybe longer. xxx
Posts: 585 | Registered: Jul 2012
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cosmic dance
Shipmate
# 14025
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Posted
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.
Not just deranged, also evil.
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"No method, no teacher, no guru..." Van Morrison.
Posts: 233 | From: godzone | Registered: Aug 2008
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Pastard is too good a word for such a monster.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Hawk
Semi-social raptor
# 14289
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Posted
I think more of these stories need to end with "and then I punched him in the face." The world would be much happier if so.
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“We are to find God in what we know, not in what we don't know." Dietrich Bonhoeffer
See my blog for 'interesting' thoughts
Posts: 1739 | From: Oxford, UK | Registered: Nov 2008
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Anglo Catholic Relict
Shipmate
# 17213
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hawk:
I think more of these stories need to end with "and then I punched him in the face." The world would be much happier if so.
I agree wholeheartedly. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Posts: 585 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Anglo Catholic Relict
Shipmate
# 17213
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by cosmic dance:
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.
Not just deranged, also evil.
That is indeed totally evil. And totally, absolutely, 100% wrong. Imho, your baby is safe in the arms of a loving God; anything else is unthinkable.
I am very sorry that happened to you, cosmic dance.
[ 28. November 2013, 12:09: Message edited by: Anglo Catholic Relict ]
Posts: 585 | Registered: Jul 2012
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justlooking
Shipmate
# 12079
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:
quote:
Originally posted by Hawk:
I think more of these stories need to end with "and then I punched him in the face." The world would be much happier if so.
I agree wholeheartedly.
So do I.
Someone once said exactly this to me after listening to a 'Sermon Slot' at an 'all-age worship' service. The 'slot' was introduced by the vicar who posed the question of what we need as 'spiritual food'. He spoke for around 5-6 minutes. This was followed by the congregation being equipped with paper plates and filing along a line of children who stuck labels onto the plates; 'bible', 'prayer', 'fellowship' etc. Nine labels in all. The vicar then addressed each of these labels in turn, speaking for 3-4 minutes on each. In all the 'sermon slot' lasted around 45- 50 minutes. Someone sitting by me confided that after that he just wanted to punch the vicar in the face.
Posts: 2319 | From: thither and yon | Registered: Nov 2006
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by justlooking:
Someone once said exactly this to me after listening to a 'Sermon Slot' at an 'all-age worship' service. The 'slot' was introduced by the vicar who posed the question of what we need as 'spiritual food'. He spoke for around 5-6 minutes. This was followed by the congregation being equipped with paper plates and filing along a line of children who stuck labels onto the plates; 'bible', 'prayer', 'fellowship' etc. Nine labels in all. The vicar then addressed each of these labels in turn, speaking for 3-4 minutes on each. In all the 'sermon slot' lasted around 45- 50 minutes. Someone sitting by me confided that after that he just wanted to punch the vicar in the face.
I would have headed for the door long before the 45-50 minute point.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
The late Andrew Blair CR used to tell his students that good preaching was like drilling for oil but with a much shorter time-scale and summed it up thus: if you don't strike oil in 10 minutes stop boring.
Worst I've ever heard? Pastardess who used the sermon slot to deliver an oral love-letter to a member of the congregation who had decided to put herself forward for Reader training - cringe-making. And in the process of so-doing she managed not only to rubbish the contribution of 2 of the parishes Readers but then ignored the 3rd (another woman) completely. It was point-scoring and grudge-grinding on an epic scale: all the congregation (including the wannabe Reader) were very uncomfortable.
Had the bishop at the time been of a different cut I'd have written to him - it was so bad. Bitch
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Spiritual food: ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Adam.
Like as the
# 4991
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
The late Andrew Blair CR used to tell his students that good preaching was like drilling for oil but with a much shorter time-scale and summed it up thus: if you don't strike oil in 10 minutes stop boring.
Bishop Coyne teaches preaching at the seminary in Indianapolis. He's been known to start tapping his pen on the desk while students are preaching: once for each parishioner falling asleep! It certainly gets the point across...
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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog
Posts: 8164 | From: Notre Dame, IN | Registered: Sep 2003
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
My top two pastards were both missionaries giving talks about their missions. The first was a (white) missionary in South Africa during the apartheid era. I walked out conspicuously while muttering loudly when he said, 'And of course, black people have lower morals' Apparently the rest of the congregation were more upset by me then him.
The second was a missionary from China who spoke at length and unnecessary goriness with added slides about all the persecution Chinese Christians faced. He said their persecution glorified God (something I have an issue with in itself - their reaction to persecution is what glorifies God) and then prayed at length and detail that we may all face severe persecution so we would glorify God.
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Angel Wrestler
Ship's Hipster
# 13673
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by cosmic dance:
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.
Not just deranged, also evil.
I have no words for this boil on the south end of a northbound donkey...
I'm so sorry for your loss and sorrier still for the ASSinine counsel - especially in your darkest hour.
Your daughter is safe in the embrace of the one who said, "let the little children come to me and do not hinder them."
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The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
(unknown)
Posts: 2767 | From: half-way up the ladder | Registered: May 2008
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The Undercover Christian
Apprentice
# 17875
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Posted
Once, while leading a church service, I was free-styling the opening prayer and inadvertently asked the congregation to pray to me.
This is about as appropriate as alleviating your boredom in church by pretending that they're singing about you.
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http://www.theundercoverchristian.com
Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
I never really got the mote/plank story until I read this thread.
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.
Fly Safe, Pyx_e
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
You could amuse yourself by making up unflattering terms for people in pews (Congrunts? Pewkers?). However, I don't know that the coinage of a term for unsatisfactory members of a particular profession counts as a personal attack, unless it is being specifically applied to a Shipmate.
OTOH, any of you diss librarians, you're in trouble.
Firenze
Heaven Host
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Anglo Catholic Relict
Shipmate
# 17213
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Undercover Christian:
This is about as appropriate as alleviating your boredom in church by pretending that they're singing about you.
I am going to do that from now on. : )
Posts: 585 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Anglo Catholic Relict
Shipmate
# 17213
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
I never really got the mote/plank story until I read this thread.
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.
Fly Safe, Pyx_e
I hate to be the one to break the bad news, but you clearly still don't get the mote/plank story.
Good luck with that.
Posts: 585 | Registered: Jul 2012
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venbede
Shipmate
# 16669
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Posted
As far as I can make out the word "pastard" here is not meant to cover all pastors but those who have been exceptionally insensitive. As many of the cases quoted have been and very hurtful to boot.
Obviously it doesn't cover the majority of preachers.
(Mind you I'm inclined to cheer the curate who preached about death and suffering on Christmas Day. When I was a kid I was worried nobody ever mentioned such subjects.)
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Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the world we safely go.
Posts: 3201 | From: An historic market town nestling in the folds of Surrey's rolling North Downs, | Registered: Sep 2011
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Pooks
Shipmate
# 11425
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:
quote:
Originally posted by cosmic dance:
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.
Not just deranged, also evil.
That is indeed totally evil. And totally, absolutely, 100% wrong. Imho, your baby is safe in the arms of a loving God; anything else is unthinkable.
I am very sorry that happened to you, cosmic dance.
Anglo Catholic Relict speaks for me too. I can't imagine the pain you must have suffered or how someone with so little understanding could become a pastor.
What happened to me was less extreme, and it happened many years ago. I just got home from hospital because I had a miscarriage that day. The phone rang and it was the pastor's wife (who also functioned as a pastor in that church). Her 'comforting' words to me were: 'God let this happen because He wants you to minister to other women'. Everything within me bristled, but I was too weepy, exhausted and angry to say anything back to her. So I just said I have to go then put the phone down.
I suppose in her mind, God sent his own son and sacrificed his own son, so why shouldn't He sacrifice my baby for the sake of ministry? It is one view of God which I understand intellectually, but find her notion of 'ministry above all else' utterly repulsive in practice.
Posts: 1547 | Registered: May 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
This has been a borderline Heavenly thread, and I can see the ballast is shifting towards at least one other possible venue.
I will discuss with the other Hosts.
Firenze
Heaven Host
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard.
Pyx_e, I have known you long enough to be sure that you are not a pastard. OTOH, I can't think of a better term for the pastor who told a grieving mother that there was a 50/50 chance that her baby was in hell.
'Pastard' is a title that has to be earned.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
I may have mentioned this episode before; if I did, forgive please. It's due to my advancing age.
One day the priest held up a Rubic's cube, and told us his sermon was entirely based on that toy. He repeatedly referred to the four sides of the Rubic's cube. The four seasons, the four Gospels, the four points of the cross, etc.
There were furtive looks exchanged, and a chuckle now & then. But it was a real Emperor's New Clothes moment, toward the end, when a little boy said very clearly "There are six sides on the cube". There went his whole sermon, right into the trash can.
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
I never really got the mote/plank story until I read this thread.
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.
Fly Safe, Pyx_e
As the person who originated the term, rather without thought in a fit of reverie about my mother's death and the incomprehensible statements of the priest (I listed only one), and in the context of considering Other Bad Things that some pastors and clergy have said, it was specifically not meant to label the profession and calling as a whole, rather the specific actions at the time. FWIW, I have personally called God and Jesus bastard and far worse at times (Mr. Damn & Son and myself have had a difficult relationship).
This was intended as a non-grim, humourous and possibly serious thread. If it hit a nerve with you, be assured that no offence was intended to you nor the general class of fine preachers and pastors everywhere. No-one has called you personally anything as far as I see. I did think it was a necessary thread. Elsewise, where on earth could we possibly discuss and air things like this?
We might also liken this to having an unsatisfactory visit to a physician and then relating within the story of it that the doctor was a quack. This may speak to both the actions of the physician and the response of the patient. Evidently I have been a Very Bad Spiritual Patient; my vaccination with the Holy Spirit has not prevented me from catching the disease of cynicism, sarcastic, mean-spiritedness and likewise bastardy. Without this disease I might well die instead of broken heart.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.
Some of us on this thread are pastors/priests/ministers ourselves and (in my case at least) we are not calling ourselves names as part of a generic insult. Whether or not the thread stays in Heaven, I don't think we're having a go at all pastors or calling you names.
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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor
At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken
Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Well, we could always adjourn to the Circus and practice Threads Most Likely to Miff Other Shipmates. What about 'Lawyers - what a bunch of scallywags!'?
Or you can start a separate thread on another Board.
Meanwhile, I will leave you with my favourite pronouncement from the pulpit: the exhortation to await the Second Coming with our lamps girt and our loins lit.
Firenze
Heaven Host
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pooks
Shipmate
# 11425
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
This was intended as a non-grim, humourous and possibly serious thread.
My apologies to you and to the host for my post. I should have considered where the thread is situated before posting something as personal and heavy in tone on this thread. I have completely missed the intention of your OP. Please forgive me. ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
Cheers!
Posts: 1547 | Registered: May 2006
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venbede
Shipmate
# 16669
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Posted
Pooks -
I thought your post was a "good" (ie terrible) example of the things pastors shouldn't say.
You have my considerable sympathy. It must have been horrid for you.
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Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the world we safely go.
Posts: 3201 | From: An historic market town nestling in the folds of Surrey's rolling North Downs, | Registered: Sep 2011
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Not a pastard but - fond memories of a very nervous curate who's vocal offerings became more scrambled as his nervousnes increased he sometimes sounded like a first cousin to Spooner.
Being exhorted to let the love of "the newly innarcate Chist rild into our hearts" one Christmas the choir just managed to hold it together until they reached the vestry ...
To give him his due, he joined in with the laughter and gradually lost some of his nerves - although I still cherish notices about "dangerous manoeuvres in the par cark".
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Dormouse
Glis glis – Ship's rodent
# 5954
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Posted
Teachers and representative pupils went to a funeral of a child from school who died of leukaemia. Her grieving parents, and family were there
"What a pity we don't see more of you in church on an ordinary Sunday" started the Vicar.
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What are you doing for Lent?
40 days, 40 reflections, 40 acts of generosity. Join the #40acts challenge for #Lent and let's start a movement. www.40acts.org.uk
Posts: 3042 | From: 'twixt les Bois Noirs & Les Monts de la Madeleine | Registered: May 2004
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
We had that this morning - full church for the Christingle service including parade service for the uniformed groups and we still got "How nice it was to see a full church!" and "How nice it would be for people to come more often." And lots of people trying to get their messages across in length and depth, which actually made the service less attractive. (I was there as a Guide leader considering the girls who had come along for this and other parade services only.) Basically, the more you push and make your messages longer and longer, the less likely it is that we'll get those girls back next time.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
I can't help but think of this.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Dormouse:
"What a pity we don't see more of you in church on an ordinary Sunday" started the Vicar.
Fucker.
I got chided for "backsliding" after being flat on my back in bed with an upper respiratory infection for a month. Yes, my family told the dear reverend what was up with me.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Chide him back for a lack of pastoral visits.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I got chided for "backsliding" after being flat on my back in bed with an upper respiratory infection for a month. Yes, my family told the dear reverend what was up with me.
Is it definitely wrong to pray for people to get sick?
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Dormouse:
"What a pity we don't see more of you in church on an ordinary Sunday" started the Vicar.
Fucker.
I got chided for "backsliding" after being flat on my back in bed with an upper respiratory infection for a month. Yes, my family told the dear reverend what was up with me.
To be fair, it was only an upper respiratory infection - the rest of you should have been able to get to church! ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
(Just checking that there's still an ocean and almost an entire continent between me and Kelly - that axe has a long reach... ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor
At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken
Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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Oscar the Grouch
Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
One of the worst sermons I can remember hearing was when I was training for ordination. Mrs Grouch and I were attending our local church. The woman deacon (this was just before women were ordained to the priesthood) preached on Mary's pregnancy.
As a single woman who had never been pregnant, perhaps she should have chosen a different subject. She prattled endlessly about how WONDERFUL and SPECIAL Mary must have felt. Not one word about the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock. Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.
I could feel Mrs G tensing beside me and I held on to her arm. She admitted afterwards that I had not done so, she would have stood up, walked to the pulpit and given the silly person a complete tongue lashing.
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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.
Perhaps she believed (as some do) that since Mary was conceived without sin she didn't have pain in childbirth (the "curse of Eve").
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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