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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Help! I've got a teenager!
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Sounds like the eye-rolling might come directly from having to cope with too much at her age. Perhaps you could sit with her mother of a evening and let her go off to do whatever teenage things she needs to do (what you might think of that need is irrelevant)
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Her mother's health issues are intermittent, she isn't tied to the house of an evening. However, there aren't many "cool" activities for teenagers to do locally. (She doesn't want to go to Guides / Scouts / church youth group etc).
She and I seem to be going round in circles - she wants what she can't have, and she doesn't want what she can have.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Although, you're right, she has had to cope with far too much at too early an age.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Cottontail
Shipmate
# 12234
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Posted
This isn't a mother speaking, but it worked for me as a teacher - different relationship, I know, but it might help.
The best way I found of dealing with 'attitude' was to externalise it - to put a name what the teenager is doing. So pick a time when both of you are fairly calm anyway, and if she does the eye-rolling thing, try saying gently: You might not be aware of this, but see when you roll your eyes like that - it comes across as really rude. Do you mean to be rude, or did you not realise?
You'll probably get mumble mumble or flounce in reply. But you'll have named the thing anyway. So thereafter, whenever the eyes roll, point it out what she's doing, but make it into a little joke. Oops! There go the eyes again! And give her a grin, and say, Now tell me what's bothering you.
Good luck.
[ 19. November 2014, 12:17: Message edited by: Cottontail ]
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"I don't think you ought to read so much theology," said Lord Peter. "It has a brutalizing influence."
Posts: 2377 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2007
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Caissa
Shipmate
# 16710
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Posted
As an instructor, I often find that naming behaviour is the first step in discussing and addressing it.
Posts: 972 | From: Saint John, N.B. | Registered: Oct 2011
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Zoey
Broken idealist
# 11152
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Life is busy, and I have plenty to do without creating time to see her, only for her to be rude.
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She deserves to be spoiled a bit, and I'm willing to do my best, but whatever she wants, it isn't me. I get the impression that I'm an embarrassment.
Suggestions?
Thinking aloud, which may be way off the mark ... could you say some of this to her? - i.e. tell her that you will always be around if she needs you and she can always get in touch if she wants to spend more *quality* time with you, but that you don't think either of you are enjoying each other's company much at the moment and you're not enthused about spending masses of time with her while she's being stroppy and rude so will cut down a bit for now? (I think she definitely does need you, as I know there've been discussions about what would happen if her mum were to die although this isn't imminent. My impression is that it would be damaging for her for you to drop all one-to-one time with her, but e.g. if you see her one-to-one on a weekly basis at present could you drop that to fortnightly and see how it goes?)
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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.
Posts: 3095 | From: the penultimate stop? | Registered: Mar 2006
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
This is probably a bad idea, but ... what about printing out some of this thread and handing it over? At the very least that gets across the idea that you're honestly concerned and not sure what to do, plus that you care. It also forces her to see you as a human being rather than a stand-up cardboard character in the drama of her life. (I'm pretty sure when I was a teen that I thought of most adults this way--as people (?) who would be totally unaffected by my behavior because, er, they weren't real people. ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) Sort of like how five-year-olds are so surprised to meet their kindergarten teacher in the grocery store, because we all know they only exist at school.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Originally posted by Zoey:
quote:
I think she definitely does need you, as I know there've been discussions about what would happen if her mum were to die although this isn't imminent.
Gosh, well remembered. Her mother is epileptic, and the "what if she dies" followed on from her Mum spending a couple of nights in hospital after a seizure. She hasn't had a grand mal seizure since, but when she has a petit mal she's sleepy and woozy afterwards, so beloved god daughter has to take charge. Plus she's had to know what to do if her mother has a seizure since she was small, and she's had the unsettling experience of seeing her mum disappearing in an ambulance on several occasions.
She's very mature and capable when it comes to her mother's health, but she's being very immature about other stuff.
Now my kids are at Uni, if her mother was hospitalised again, I'd just move into beloved god daughter's house for the duration. So that's less of an issue for me, and would be easier for beloved god daughter, too.
I'm not spending much "quality time" with her at the moment, because she doesn't want to. Or rather, she suggests something, I agree, she changes her mind.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Yangtze
Shipmate
# 4965
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Posted
Turn it into a game? Roll your eyes back at her and mock your own un-coolness?
Continue to see her regularly as you pop round for coffee and cake (or whatever) whether she ignores you or not.
And maybe slip her some money sometimes - a pound or two - when you say goodbye - for sweets and treats. "A little something for you, love". Not bribery. No expectations. Not every time. My dad used to do this to me when saying goodbye at university (OK I was obviously older but I think the principle still stands) and it was a nice bonding moment, him showing he cared in a discreet way.
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Arthur & Henry Ethical Shirts for Men
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Sometimes I wonder What's for Afters?
Posts: 2022 | From: the smallest town in England | Registered: Sep 2003
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I'm not spending much "quality time" with her at the moment, because she doesn't want to. Or rather, she suggests something, I agree, she changes her mind.
This shook something loose out of the back recesses of my brain. Is there any faint chance that she could be testing you?--As in, I want to know if NEQ is really going to be there for me in spite of my general annoyingness, for the long haul? Given the fact that her mother CAN'T be there for her always for very good and sufficient reasons, plus the fact that she's had to mother her own mother in some ways, she may be longing for somebody to be immature with, someone who doesn't seem too fragile to put up with her nonsense. Someone who may roll their own eyes in response, or even yell, but who will nevertheless BE there, in thick or thin, hard times and good.
It's a weird dynamic, but we've encountered it many times in people who were feeling adrift emotionally, and who wanted to know if we could be trusted to care about them in spite of their behavior. Which they deliberately made horrid just to see if they could scare us off. A year or so later, with snuffles, we hear: "I was just testing you to see if you really loved me." to which we replied (having gone entirely white haired in the meantime), through gritted teeth: "Yes I love you now let me kill you!"
If this screwy reasoning is by any chance what's driving her behavior, then the last thing you want to do is withdraw, physically or in any other way. You don't have to put up with rudeness or shitty behavior--draw your lines in the sand, by all means--that allows her to feel safe and under authority, like a teenager instead of an adult caregiver. Have high expectations and communicate them. But be there no matter what.
So if she breaks plans, fine. Tell her you're going without her, and do. If she acts like she can't be bothered to see you, show up anyway--unannounced, if you like--and cheerfully inform her that she can't get rid of you that easily. Behave like a blood relative. A mother, an aunt, a sibling. Because they annoy the hell out of you, but you can't divorce them. And that might be what she wants to know about you--whether you'll refuse to be driven away.
[ 20. November 2014, 00:44: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
The other one is saying you want to do things and does she want to come too. How about a film (Orange have a two for one deal on tickets on Wednesdays) and make it routine for a bit. And that's less embarrassing for sensitive teens - my extremely sensitive tutee will come to films with me - won't sit with me on the way there or in the film, but will discuss them afterwards.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
I'd be tempted to talk to her as an adult, simply because she is having to live as an adult for a lot of the time.
I'd also come right out with the fact that from her perspective life seems to have dealt her a less than rosy (!) hand and that it must be hard not to have had the choice of whether or not to be a 'coper'.
Then just say that you'll always be there is she just needs to let off steam and stand back: back that up, if you can afford it, with as generous as you can make it monetary gifts for Christmas and birthday.
Stand back and be prepared to jump to when she wants it.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Is there any faint chance that she could be testing you?--As in, I want to know if NEQ is really going to be there for me in spite of my general annoyingness, for the long haul?
That has occurred to me.
But mostly, it's as if she has a distorted idea that life is perfect for "everybody else" "Everybody else's" parents have the fairytale happy-ever-after marriage, but she's stuck with a mother whose health is poor and a godmother stepping in now and then.
I wonder if having a godmother when she actually wants the sort of nuclear family you seen in gravy adverts feels like getting coal in her stocking at Christmas?
Her: I want to go to Disneyland, Florida. Everybody else at school has been to Disneyland, Florida.
Me: I can't take you to Florida. But I could take you to the new leisure pool with the flumes, and then your favourite Chinese buffet for lunch afterwards.
Her: ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) *sighs heavily* Goes off in a sulk.
Now, I can see that if you are yearning for Florida, then an offer of a trip to the swimming pool and lunch must seem quite rubbish. But most kids haven't been to Florida, and most kids would would, I think, regard an offer of a swim and lunch as a decent offer.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456
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Posted
She just sounds like a typical young teen to me. ![[Smile]](smile.gif) I cannot tell you how many times I did the same thing to my parents, it is a wonder any of us came through.
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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!
Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
Sounds like a typical teen to me, too. When my boy does the eye-rolling routine, I make it into a joke . "Hey, you're doing that thing with the eyes again that only teenagers can do..... do it again, it's so cooooooool."
"Ooops, there go the eyes, again"... "ooh, and again. Proof you really are a teenager".
I think part of the thing is that kids want to know you're there for them but don't actually a)want to admit it or b)actually want commit time to spend with an older person when there's a chance a "better offer" might come along... even when there isn't. (And I don't mean that offensively, but we all know that it's cooler to do things with people your own age at that age - emphasising that you're no longer a child who does everything with an adult and yet not yet a boring old grown up yourself).
Perhaps you could go along the line of "I know you maybe have more teenagery things to do these days but I miss spending time with you and would like to get to know you as a young adult instead of a child. Is there anything you'd like to do together? My budget's not immense, but I'm sure we could find something if you'd like to sometime when you've got nothing else on."
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
But mostly, it's as if she has a distorted idea that life is perfect for "everybody else" "Everybody else's" parents have the fairytale happy-ever-after marriage, but she's stuck with a mother whose health is poor and a godmother stepping in now and then.
I wonder if having a godmother when she actually wants the sort of nuclear family you seen in gravy adverts feels like getting coal in her stocking at Christmas?
Ooh, that one stinks. I've been going through it with my son for the past two-three years, because everybody else has:
younger parents,
richer parents,
TV and iPhones instead of books and an antique Steinway piano,
takeout food instead of Asian cooking,
trips to Disney World instead of Grandma's house in boring old Southern California ( ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) ).
It's only recently that he's come to realize that he's also missing out on:
domestic violence,
the loss of a parent to death or divorce,
constant moves cross country,
dangerous neighborhoods,
severe family illnesses.
Unlike many of his friends.
I told him all that, of course. But it wasn't until he got a little older that he really started to get the point. (And until he got actual "you are there" experience with other kids' lives who DO have those problems--at which point I think he decided it was better to live with his own burdens than to pick up someone else's.)
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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