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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Living with a Christian partner
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Mark Wuntoo
Shipmate
# 5673
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Posted
On another thread, Komensky said ..... It has meant a very sad and disjointed home life—I sometimes wonder if life would have been better if I had continued believing in lies and taking part in all the manipulation. So, yes, that's a positive from a personal perspective, but that freedom—to call a spade a spade—has come at no small cost to other aspects of my life.
Not assuming I know what you are experiencing Komensky but it prompted me to 'dare' to start a new thread. Other threads have touched on this and similar issues.
Mrs Wuntoo is a fully committed Christian, heavily involved in church affairs and unlikely to 'escape' because the number of volunteers is fast diminishing. I fully support her in what she does. However, it is not always easy - church stuff gets in the way of what we otherwise would choose to do. We make our own decisions (I think) but it feels URRGGHH at times.
As regards how Mrs W and I 'cope' with our different perspectives, this is partly the reason I call myself a non-theist which allows me to believe that there is no GOD but respects that other people have their gods, created in their imaginations and which are important to them.
Mrs W and I have always been respectful of each other and neither of us easily gets upset over anything - so that helps. Perhaps we both secretly would like the other to change but we don't live in an ideal world.
I am very thankful that ours is not a 'sad and disjointed home life', quite the contrary, and I am sorry for those whose experience is not all positive.
How do other 'faith-free' people who have partners with a belief experience things?
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Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
Posts: 1950 | From: Somewhere else. | Registered: Mar 2004
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
I am church-free, and married to someone who is very involved in the church. Yes, it is difficult, because there is a variation of priority and of understanding.
The strange thing is that I suspect that I have a stronger faith than she does, partly because I don't rely on church to provide my spirituality.
My eldest son is also a church person, whereas my youngest doesn't believe at all. He is also the more spiritual of the two.
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DOEPUBLIC
Shipmate
# 13042
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Posted
I have found the death of my partner has drawn a clear line in the sand. Standing alone with no contact.
Posts: 2350 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106
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Posted
DOEPUBLIC, I'm so sorry.
I'm edging towards the edge of faith & church, but I'm still the involved person. MrJt9 is, and always has been, an atheist. However, he's a committed sailor, so his religious involvement & duties are usually heavier than mine.
As he says to me on the first sailing Sunday of every year, "We've both got hobbies, love. It's just that I enjoy mine."
Actually, I'm grateful for his non-belief. I think being where I am now would be harder with a believer. Perhaps it wouldn't be, I don't know.
Posts: 801 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009
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DOEPUBLIC
Shipmate
# 13042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jemima the 9th:
DOEPUBLIC, I'm so sorry.
I'm edging towards the edge of faith & church, but I'm still the involved person. MrJt9 is, and always has been, an atheist. However, he's a committed sailor, so his religious involvement & duties are usually heavier than mine.
As he says to me on the first sailing Sunday of every year, "We've both got hobbies, love. It's just that I enjoy mine."
Actually, I'm grateful for his non-belief. I think being where I am now would be harder with a believer. Perhaps it wouldn't be, I don't know.
Thanks 4 your thoughts.We shared our faith, but the separation of death, and journey to it and since have shown me faith from another side. The journey since has been only bearable with virtual support. Real people are scarce. My story is too much for them to share.
Posts: 2350 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Komensky
Shipmate
# 8675
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Posted
Thanks for starting this thread. Like many of you, I have many friends whose partners are of a different faith from them or no faith at all. For most of them it seems to work. I really don't object to my partner's faith at all, nor do I, on the whole, object to raising our children as Christians. My partner, on the other hand, simply cannot cope that I am not the exact same person as when we were married. Perhaps this period will pass and things will settle down, but it's been like this for at least three or four years.
Any success stories out there? How did you do it?
Best,
K.
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"The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity." - George Bernard Shaw
Posts: 1784 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2004
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
Some people feel very strongly that they wouldn't marry someone who doesn't share their faith. That it is one of their non-negotiables when choosing a life partner. If that life partner subsequently moves away from that shared faith I guess that is going to take quite some working through. The very issues that they sought to avoid by having a partner who shared their faith are now having to be faced. A shared basis of life is lost and other foundations may have to be built.
For someone who was less bothered in the first place about their partner sharing their faith it is not likely to be such an issue.
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Mark Wuntoo
Shipmate
# 5673
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lucia:
Some people feel very strongly that they wouldn't marry someone who doesn't share their faith.
And some good Christian folk couldn't care less.
quote:
That it is one of their non-negotiables when choosing a life partner. If that life partner subsequently moves away from that shared faith I guess that is going to take quite some working through.
It was a non-negotiable for Mrs W and me - 59 years ago. But we both changed, growing closer together and, together, developing our faith. What we thought was a shared basis for our relationship developed.
quote:
The very issues that they sought to avoid by having a partner who shared their faith are now having to be faced. A shared basis of life is lost and other foundations may have to be built.
Not for us. The life that we have built together has faced all sorts of issues and my giving up on GOD was just another development. It wasn't and isn't a big deal. But it's different - again!
Of course, theological background does determine what we think and how we act. When we met, Mrs W and I were fundies ... now we both are very different animals. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
Posts: 1950 | From: Somewhere else. | Registered: Mar 2004
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Mark Wuntoo
Shipmate
# 5673
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Komensky:
....
Any success stories out there? How did you do it?
Best,
K.
Not really. Sorry I have no ideas about how to cope in your situation, Komensky. Certainly my transition has been a 'success' within our relationship. On the other hand, some might describe it as a 'non-issue'. I think we are fortunate in many respects but my change of direction has come after a long partnership of love and trust.
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Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
Posts: 1950 | From: Somewhere else. | Registered: Mar 2004
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SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967
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Posted
I think it's interesting that in many cases it's the husband who loses faith, or loses a more orthodox form of faith, while the wife continues as more of a believer. This matches up with the studies - as well as lots of anecdotal evidence - that indicate that women are more likely to be religious than men (although some would say it depends on what we mean exactly by 'religious').
In terms of dealing with it, I suppose it might be a bit easier for the woman who marries in the knowledge that her husband is less religious than she is, or has a different religion. But if a religious woman marries a man who shares her faith she may expect to spend her married life being supported in that faith. That leg of support disappears if his faith takes a significantly different turn. But some women experience their faith as something very independent of their husbands, even they do marry a fellow Christian.
One man I read about said he just saw his wife's churchgoing as a harmless hobby. Then again, in some households in the past one family member was 'assigned' the job of attending church on behalf of the rest, and that level of religiosity wasn't considered a problem. And again, some women end up reducing their religious commitment in order to fit in with the attitudes of the non-religious husband, or the rest of the family.
I've come across these different approaches among my own family and friends.
Posts: 6668 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
In reply to Mark W:
I agree with you! For some Christians this isn't an issue hence my use of the word 'some'. But I think that for those who are still at a life stage where this matters to them, who perhaps have fewer years behind them than you and Mrs W, it has the potential to be difficult and need working through. Perhaps if you had changed your mind about God in the first 10 years of your marriage it would have thrown up different issues than it did after 59?
My own experience over recent years has been a significant shift in the way I understand a lot of things about my faith. It could have led to a loss of faith but instead has led to a different way of looking at quite a lot of things. To many from my background this would look like a loss of faith and indeed I am careful about what I say with some people! However my husband has in many ways been going through a similar shift, perhaps one or two steps behind me. But I am grateful that we are exploring this new path together as I think that if one of us had shifted and not the other it would have been confusing and difficult for the other.
[ 28. January 2015, 15:18: Message edited by: Lucia ]
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Potoroo
Shipmate
# 13466
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Posted
Great thread, Mark Wuntoo. It raises the issue of differing faiths within family situations too.
quote:
Originally posted by Mark Wuntoo:
Certainly my transition has been a 'success' within our relationship.
This is good to hear.
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Gilbert's Potoroo is Australia's most endangered animal.
Posts: 2778 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2008
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Komensky
Shipmate
# 8675
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Posted
I'd like to take some encouragement, but it's looking rather grim. It's strange how all that talk about love and understanding flew out the window.
K.
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"The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity." - George Bernard Shaw
Posts: 1784 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2004
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Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106
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Posted
Oh Komensky, I'm so sorry. That sounds so difficult.
Presumably you & Mrs K have changed in other areas too? Why should you be exactly the same person as when you were married? I appreciate you may feel this way, I'm trying to understand why she expects nothing to have changed.
Stuff changes in long term relationships all the time - how we might want to raise children, attitudes to work & money, loads of stuff. People get ill, they get better, roles change. It's never the same as when we were first married.
I'm sorry. I'm not adding anything useful. Just that I think I understand something of your frustration.
Posts: 801 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009
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DOEPUBLIC
Shipmate
# 13042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Komensky:
I'd like to take some encouragement, but it's looking rather grim. It's strange how all that talk about love and understanding flew out the window.
K.
Thinking of you K, as you seek resonance, hopefully, safely & gently.Possibly restoring love and understanding.
Posts: 2350 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Mark Wuntoo
Shipmate
# 5673
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Komensky:
I'd like to take some encouragement, but it's looking rather grim. It's strange how all that talk about love and understanding flew out the window.
K.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
Posts: 1950 | From: Somewhere else. | Registered: Mar 2004
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