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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Clerical Dignity (and the loss thereof)
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Cottontail
Shipmate
# 12234
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Posted
This happened to a friend of mine when she was training for the ministry. She was assisting in communion in her placement church. For those who don't know, the wee cuppies are usually distributed to the congregation in a tray looking something like this.
On her way down the aisle, my friend stumbled a little, and thinking to save the wine, reached out her hand to steady the tray. Result: she slapped the wee cuppies from below, sending them flying into the air and drenching nearby communicants!
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"I don't think you ought to read so much theology," said Lord Peter. "It has a brutalizing influence."
Posts: 2377 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2007
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
Our church's organ has been in poor repair for years, and at one wedding it burst into flame -- a short circuit. The music minister beat out the flame with a hymnal and carried on over at the piano.
Ah, if only all problems in the church could be dealt with so effectively by being beaten with a hymnal.... <sigh>
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Lent a certain je ne sais quoi to the wedding, I do not doubt. It is always nice for a church to supply a really unique experience for the couple.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I think I've told this one before, but...
Mr Lamb was baptizing a dozen people, ranging from age 2 years up to 80. One toddler was a chunky kid, must have weighed maybe 40 pounds, but far too short to stand at the font, even with a chair to stand on. My husband had to pick him up and hold him over the font as you would an infant.
Of course the poor kid panicked and did the koala-bear-grip with arms AND legs--both stuck firmly into the long, flowing sleeves of the pastor's surplice! Mr Lamb couldn't dislodge the kid himself, it was like trying to take a straitjacket off. By the time we finally got the kid to let go, Mr Lamb had a severely strained back and shoulder, and wound up having to go to the sports injury clinic. Where we had great fun explaining baptism as a dangerous contact sport!
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I am reminded of a similar incident when we were starving students and had to go to the local eye clinic run by med students and their professors. All the seminary students went there, we were all as poor as church mice. My husband needed new glasses as things were getting blurry.
We were filling out forms and got to "chief complaint." Mr. Lamb decided to be clever. He wrote "Can't read Hebrew."
When we got into the exam room, the med student took one look at the form and said, deadpan: "Oh, you're another one of those."
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Stumbling Pilgrim
Shipmate
# 7637
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
At a recent funeral service in church, prior to cremation, the candle set in front of the coffin spattered wax everywhere and the greenery and oasis around it caught fire. Thankfully, the family thought it was very funny.
That happened to one of the pew-end candles at a wedding I attended -- the one right next to the mother-of-the-bride, of course.
And to me at an Epiphany service I was conducting a few years ago. The flower arrangement on the communion table contained a candle, which had been lit several times over the Christmas period, and clearly this was one too many times. From the pulpit I was looking down on the communion table, and from the corner of my eye I saw that the greenery around the candle was beginning to catch fire. I couldn't decide whether to take action, ask for help or just continue stoically hoping it would burn itself out, while all sorts of visions of fire engines and insurance claims went through my head. Fortunately I was saved from having to do anything by a sharp-eyed worshipper, who (to the confusion of most of the congregation who couldn't see it) ran forward to douse what was by now a very promising blaze. I managed to keep talking until the next hymn before catching her eye and succumbing to the giggles, but for the next five minutes or so little black specks were drifting down on to my notes, and presumably on to me ...
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Stumbling in the Master's footsteps as best I can.
Posts: 492 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2004
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
Some years ago, an Anglican colleague and myself were approached by a local Catholic priest to take part in a service for those who had lost "loved ones" over the past two years. It was organised by a Funeral Company and the Priest was a bit dubious about it as it all seemed to be a bit "commercial". Nevertheless we went ahead.
All went well until the climax of the service, at which each family was invited to bring forward a votive light and place it on a table at the front. This went well except that the table was clearly far too small. As something like 200 lights were brought forward, they were pushed closer and closer together until they touched and - whoosh! - the combined heat of the flames caused the ones in the centre to vapourise and catch fire. Suddenly we had a genuine emergency at the flames were ten feet high.
One person sought to cover the candles with a blanket. This made things worse as he knocked over the table and dashed them all to the floor. Someone else arrived with a fire extinguisher and put the lot out. We were left with a big mess (including a badly scorched brand-new sanctuary carpet covered in gunge) and a church filled with smoke and an acrid smell.
Most of the bereaved had not realised what had happen as they'd left straight after bringing forward their candle. However a family arrived at this point for a pre-booked baptism and, not surprisingly, looked more than a bit perplexed.
The PP declared that he wouldn't repeat such a service if asked in future ...
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
At the Christmas morning service, the children were asked to come to the front to tell the minister what they'd got for Christmas. The minister then opened a small gift from his own son. It was a Satnag
The minister switched it on, held it up to the mike, and it said "You inconsiderate BASTARD!"
Collapse of congregation.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
LOVE the baptism stories - maybe room for another?
After a gap of nearly 200 years there had been a birth in the rectory and the baby was to be baptised (by the bishop) with due solemnity during a festal evensong.
All went very smoothly: name this child, etc, etc, etc. Then just before the bishop went to join procession back to the chancel he decided to remove the plug from the enormous marble font.
For the next 5 minutes we were treated to the sound of deafening slurps and gurgles as a large volume of water sought to drain through a hole and drainage pipes far too small for the job in hand.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
We used to hold a joint Christian/Jewish event to remember Advent and Hannukkah.
The 5 candles on the advent wreath and the 9 on the Hanukkiyah were gradually lit over the course of an hour.
One of the Jewish candle lighters explained that it was a custom to stay seated in silence until the last candle burned itself out.
The vicar thought that was a good idea so told us that we'd sit in silence while the last candle burned down before going to the wine and nibbles.
It would seem straightforward - when there are lots of candles close to each other, they burn quickly. However, when there is only one left it takes longer.
We were in silence for 25 minutes.
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826
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Posted
Back when I was assisting, I always had problems with the clip-on microphone...when the power pack that clipped onto the alb pocket wasn't sliding off altogether, the wire attaching it to the mic seemed to always catch the corner of the front pew when we went down the aisle at the end of the service. I hated that thing.
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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com
Posts: 6462 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
L'Organist, something very similar happened at a bapism in the Baptist church we used to attend, except the "font" was a full size baptistry. As the elder doing the baptism got out, he pulled the plug. The preacher started to give his sermon, and about half way through, was accompanied by very loud slurp noises as the last of the water went down the plughole.
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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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Wild Organist
Apprentice
# 12631
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Posted
Sorry if this is considered off-topic, but organists come in for as much disaster-movie scenarios as clergy (sometimes because of them). And for those who do, try this?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Organ-isms-Anecdotes-World-King-Instruments/dp/0473142864
I don't receive commission, but can thoroughly recommend it as a good laugh. The one about the organist climbing out of the cemetary after dark still makes me laugh out loud.
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Be very careful what you wish for. You might just get it.
Posts: 50 | From: West Sussex | Registered: May 2007
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Then there was the Easter Vigil when we all lit our little hand candles from the Pascal candle, and one of the choir members held hers a little too close to her music. Naturally it caught fire.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668
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Posted
Heard a good story this morning of a minister whose sister worked in the same church near here. She had been waiting patiently for an opportunity to settle a score with him, and on a Sunday that fell on the 1st of April, filled the water bottle placed beside the pulpit with neat vodka. Rising to begin the sermon, he took his customary deep swig... She didn't tell how the sermon went. She just said that he locked her in his gaze for some time.
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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)
Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
When I was a curate, I did a baptism for a family where the baby being baptised had an older sister - probably about 5 or 6. All though the baptism, the older sister was clutching her dolly to her chest and looking at me intently. Once the baptism was over, I turned to her and said "Do you want me to baptise your doll as well?" Her response was (as I expected) immediate. "Yes please!" So I did. It seemed cute and everyone laughed. And I was sure the bishop would never get to hear about it.
At a prior church, whenever we did home communions for those who were bedridden, there was one faithful homebound senior who would insist that we offer communion to her companion-- a dog.
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
One church I know had an array of candles on the wall behind the altar, each one a shell with a candle inside that was pushed up by a spring, so they never burned down. Periodically someone emptied out the candle stubs and replaced them.
Apparently in reassembling one of them he thought it was securely fastened, but it had caught on some accumulated wax instead of the metal catch. Needless to say, after the candle burned for a while the wax softened and let go, and the spring launched the burning candle several feet into the air just as the service was starting.
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
We had beeswax candles in a brick church that got up to 110 sometimes in the summer. The beginning of the hot season was signaled by our arrival to find the candles all bent over out of the candelabra like gruesome white claws reaching for the floor.
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
... the danger of non-clerical language ...
From a Baptist minister??? Shock, horror!!! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
I remember as a very small piglet being taken up to see the baptism pool when it had been filled up (I think) before my sister's baptism and dropping my Bible in it ... ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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the famous rachel
Shipmate
# 1258
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Then there was the Easter Vigil when we all lit our little hand candles from the Pascal candle, and one of the choir members held hers a little too close to her music. Naturally it caught fire.
Once, in a rather nice restaurant in Edinburgh, my husband managed to set fire to his menu (which was changed each day, and was thus a simple sheet of A4 paper with the dishes printed on it using a normal printer). I laughed uproariously, and then almost immediately proceeded to set fire to my own menu, entirely accidentally, but in an almost identical fashion!
R.
(Sorry - not clerical - but came to mind...)
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A shrivelled appendix to the body of Christ.
Posts: 912 | From: In the lab. | Registered: Aug 2001
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Dunno about the dignity bit, but...
Easter Eve and the priest kindled the New Fire (using a magnifying glass and the rays of the setting sun) onto some dried grass and twigs in the bottom of a rusty old wheelbarrow outside the Tower door. Paschal Candle lit from it, light handed round, began processing up the aisle.
Senior server, thinking to be helpful (!) pushes old wheelbarrow away from door into unmown and overgrown churchyard.
Midway through the Exsultet and the choir are convulsed as they can see the churchyard looking like newsreel film of a bush fire and then we can all hear the neenaw neenaw of the approaching fire engine.
That year, at least, the entire village was aware of the New Fire, if not the significance of it heralding the risen Christ ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
Easter Eve and the priest kindled the New Fire (using a magnifying glass and the rays of the setting sun) onto some dried grass . . . and the choir are convulsed as they can see the churchyard looking like newsreel film of a bush fire
Serves you right for not kindling it from struck flint like the Baby Jesus and his Blessed Mother want you to. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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DangerousDeacon
Shipmate
# 10582
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Posted
My first baptism as a Deacon, the baby squirmed, and I was baptising it with his head almost in the font, and me desperately trying to keep hold of his feet. My parish priest (now a Bishop) reminds me of this every time we meet up.
God has a sense of humour, but occasionally I wish I was not the butt of his jokes.
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'All the same, it may be that I am wrong; what I take for gold and diamonds may be only a little copper and glass.'
Posts: 506 | From: Top End | Registered: Oct 2005
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
My son was baptised by the bishop of the diocese, who arrived all in beautiful white robes. Unfortunately my son (then about four weeks old) had not had a bowel movement for four days. I was in an agony of suspense all through the baptism, fearing that the kid would let fly, magnificently, at a crucial moment. Luckily it didn't happen.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
I remember as a very small piglet being taken up to see the baptism pool when it had been filled up (I think) before my sister's baptism and dropping my Bible in it ...
Tangent:
Sounds like our childhood churches may have been a bit similar, at least about baptism. It was a small, non-denom. fund. church. There was a platform at the front, rather than anything fancy. The baptistry was under some removable sections of the platform, and was filled up with a garden hose. Immersion baptism, only for believers from maybe age 12 and up--but usually adults. Had to wear something dark (swimsuit, maybe?) under the white robe, because a wet robe has something of a wet t-shirt effect.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
[still on GK's tangent]
I remember my sister saying afterwards that her ankles were black and blue, as there were lead weights sown into the hem of the white robe for the preservation of modesty.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
Indeed there were - though they tended to be like lead shot sown into the bottom hems of curtains, and not very heaven. Perhaps she swished the baptismal gown around too much?
(I've not seen one of those for years, although they used to be quite common!)
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
IIRC they were brick-shaped, about an inch and a half long and about half an inch square at the ends, and certainly felt heavy enough that they could give one a nasty clunk on the ankle.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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