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Source: (consider it) Thread: Crappy Choruses & Horrible Hymns redux
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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In a spasm of efficiency, and in anticipation of the new church year, I have moved Alaric the Goth's magnum opus to the archive--all thirteen pages of it.

Now donch'all go rushing to read it all at once, but do review it before posting on this thread, its continuation.

tomb
hellhost


Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Louise
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# 30

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I thought you said it was the crappy choruses and horrible hymns re-mix. When is it coming out on CD?

Louise

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Now you need never click a Daily Mail link again! Kittenblock replaces Mail links with calming pics of tea and kittens! http://www.teaandkittens.co.uk/ Click under 'other stuff' to find it.


Posts: 6918 | From: Scotland | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
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# 174

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I will kill myself first, thanks all the same.

T


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Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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i never read ANY of that thread

P

--------------------
It is better to be Kind than right.


Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stephen
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# 40

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quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
I will kill myself first, thanks all the same.
T

Oh,don't do that Tomb....Hell couldn't possibly manage without you.....
It would lack...well....a certain something.....

--------------------
Best Wishes
Stephen

'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10


Posts: 3954 | From: Alto C Clef Country | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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quote:
Originally posted by Stephen:
Oh,don't do that Tomb....Hell couldn't possibly manage without you.....
It would lack...well....a certain something.....

besides which, then wood would think he'd won (we all know he wouldn't have - buthe'd think it)...

and how would 'frin police hell without you?

don't do tomb, i beg of you

viki

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”


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Wood
The Milkman of Human Kindness
# 7

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quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:
besides which, then wood would think he'd won (we all know he wouldn't have - buthe'd think it)...

and how would 'frin police hell without you?

don't do tomb, i beg of you


What do you mean, would think?

Anyway. Apart from Sarkysteak's misunderestimation (thanks, Dubya) of me, I agree. Don't kill yourself, Tomb.

I'd have no one to make me look good.

--------------------
Narcissism.


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Arrietty

Ship's borrower
# 45

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tomb don't do it. We all love ya, hon. (Gets out onion and weeps copiously into special SOF hankie).

But if you do, could you tell us who will get your organ?

--------------------
i-church

Online Mission and Ministry


Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
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# 174

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Ah shucks.

tomb modestly digs a razor-clawed toe into the carpet and scratches at the patch of dry scales on his spine. He's touched that so many people care so very deeply and quickly wipes away a tear before it drops onto his desk and eats a hole the French polish.

But back to Crappy Choruses and Horrible Hymns.

tomb had the misfortune of attending a funeral of a woman who was his contemporary this weekend.

It was at a charismatic/non-denominational cum evangelical church up in the mountains.

The husband of the deceased had requested "worship music." So the congregation was led through spirited renditions of "Shout to the North," "Days of Elijah," "We will dance (on the streets that are golden)," and several other similar pieces.

Now, don't get tomb wrong. He has actually been known to program every one of the songs he sang. Just not at a friggin' funeral.

It reinforced tomb's intention to be buried out of the American 1928 Prayer Book, the burial office of which never mentions the name of the deceased and which programs a stupefying number of obscure Psalms.

tomb hastens to add, however, that he is not a hidebound traditionalist. Although he does not Believe in cremation, he has told his wife that he wants to be pickled and has given special instructions about the designs on the exterior of his canopic jar.

But back to the rant. tomb disapproves of funerals that masquerade as wakes. Five minutes into the service (after the first spasm of Worship was over), the husband of the deceased got up to speak (10 minutes worth). tomb muttered to hisself that he needed a drink. At a wake, this wouldn't be an issue; at a funeral, it was a Big Problem.

After two hours of reminiscences, when the service was less than half over and the Liturgical Dancers were preparing to Flit About to yet another Praise Chorus, tomb and his wife had to leave, having a previous engagement.

As they drove away, they could see the shadows of the dancers in the lighted sanctuary and could vaguely hear the {boom} {boom} of the bass guitar through the walls.

tomb found occasion to give infinite thanks to Almighty God that he is too busy to last through a funeral. It got him out of a horrible situation.

He grieved for his friend while driving down the freeway toward town. It was the first holy moment he had experienced.


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Alaric the Goth
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# 511

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Posted by tomb:
quote:
I have moved Alaric the Goth's magnum opus to the archive--all thirteen pages of it.

Gothic warrior groweth angry!
You might have let the thread get to a SIGNIFICANT NO. of replies, like it was up to 636 and you might have waited for another 30, say!


Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
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# 174

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Too bad.
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the famous rachel
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# 1258

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OK, to really get things going on the horrible and crappy front, how about this...

I want to be a tree that's bearing fruit,
that God has pruned and caused to shoot,
oh, up in the sky so very, very high
I want to be, I want to be a blooming tree.

Chorus:

God has promised his Holy Spirit will water our roots and help
us grow;
listen and obey, and before you know it, your fruit will start to grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow!

You'll be at tree that's bearing fruit,
with a very, very, very strong root;
bright colours like daisies, more fruit than Sainsbury's*
you'll be a blooming tree.

Someone told me about this at CU, and I thought they were joking. Sadly, they informed me that it was real. I nwas VERY impressed that my GLE CU didn't take it on as a theme song, and in fact hated it with a passion.

Can you do worse than this?

Rachel.

PS... I found the full words on the web. Thankfully they ahve not yet implanted into my brain. Take care not to look at them for too long, however....


* Sainsbury's is a supermarket chain, in case any non-English shipmates were wondering!

--------------------
A shrivelled appendix to the body of Christ.


Posts: 912 | From: In the lab. | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
the famous rachel
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# 1258

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I am booting this up, just in case nobody has read my very nauseating lyrics, which I was hoping would incite some response!

R.

--------------------
A shrivelled appendix to the body of Christ.


Posts: 912 | From: In the lab. | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stoo

Mighty Pirate
# 254

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it's a doug horely song, isn't it?

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This space left blank

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Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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quote:
Originally posted by rachel_o:
I am booting this up, just in case nobody has read my very nauseating lyrics, which I was hoping would incite some response!


R.


I'm speechless.

Moo

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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.


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jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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What was truly terrifying was that I was able to mentally create a suitable happy-clappy, mindlessly cheerful tune for the lyrics before I had even finished reading them once through! [shudders]

I'm afraid that the fivefold repetition of "grow" is now permanently implanted in my brain.

Obviously these lyrics are the work of the devil!


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Amos

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# 44

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Totally in agreement with tomb on funerals. My boss has a rule--a good one, mind you-- that people get the music that they want at funerals. Good ministerial practice requires me to say very little about the things I've heard at the Crem, but, since this thread has been provided by the Providence of Hell, I hereby offer up "All Things Bright And Beautiful" as my least favorite funereal ditty. It is always chosen when people "don't want the service to get too sad and solemn".

--------------------
At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken

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Amos

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# 44

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Bring on the Crappy Choruses Remix, say I--I am convinced that neither death nor life nor principalities nor powers nor anything else will separate tomb from Hell.

--------------------
At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken

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jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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Funeral hymns. hmmm. One of the standards in the local RC churches here (where I cantor at funerals) is "How Great Thou Art". I've never figured out quite how it fits a funeral, especially with the typical American RCs who never sing all the verses of a hymn. So you end up singing two verses about mountain grandeur, twittering birds, and silvery moons and then abruptly ending. Drives me nuts!
Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Maestro
Apprentice
# 1881

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A seasonal one from the English Hymnal, not crappy - just hilarious.

Saint Joseph stood beside the cradle
and embraced the Holy Child,
Then he knelt upon the sod..........


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kennedy
Apprentice
# 90

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Thank you maestro. That is very good indeed.

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A Fool and his words are soon parted; a man of genius and his money. (Shenstone)

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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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Two of the naffest religious pap tunes I've heard recently are one called "My Sweet Lord" by someone named Harry something, and a dirge called "Imagine" by a John Lennon, not to be confused with the now deceased parish priest of St Columba's, Chester.

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"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
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# 420

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I don't know if these are still popular, but there were a number of RC hymns, all extremely sad, that, for a reason I've never been able to find out, used to be popular at weddings. (Including them at funerals would have at least had some logic.)

The words all seemed to be on the theme of having the Virgin Mary intercede for poor sinners when they die. There was one, "Mother ,At Your Feet is Kneeling," for which I don't remember all of the lyrics, but I clearly recall "Mother, when my Jesus calls me, from this world so dark and drear..." Though not as popular at weddings, there was another with words about "Mother of Christ, star of the sea, pray for the sinner, pray for me."

Of course, my worst fit of giggling came when a couple I knew who did like classical music (but understood no Italian, and did not bother to ask for a translation of the words) used the Italian art song (actually not at all liturgical) "Virgin, tutto amor." It's a wonderful piece of music, though very dramatic, but the words speak of the sad lament of the sinner asking for God's mercy.

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


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tomb
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# 174

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Newman, you *must* get a copy of the book "Why Catholics Can't Sing." The author spends two chapters on "Mother, at your feet is kneeling."

It seems that JFK and Jackie had it at their wedding, and it was also sung at JFK's funeral.

It was one of only a handful of "standards" of the pre-Vatican II age.


Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
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# 716

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quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
I hereby offer up "All Things Bright And Beautiful" as my least favorite funereal ditty.

Monty Python's All Things Dull and Ugly

--------------------
My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity


Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
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# 174

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quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
.... Good ministerial practice requires me to say very little about the things I've heard at the Crem, but, since this thread has been provided by the Providence of Hell, I hereby offer up "All Things Bright And Beautiful" as my least favorite funereal ditty....

It is, perhaps, my disordered imagination, Amos, but I assume the song is sung as the coffin is sliding into the fire? Bright, perhaps, but certainly not beautiful, I daresay.


Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Not

Ship's Quack
# 2166

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I probably shouldn't resurrect this thread after so long, but I've been reading it and its archived predecessor while off work with 'flu and have laughed myself well again. Thanks to all; it's wonderful to know I'm not alone in refusing to sing abhorent things, giggling helplessly at things the song writers didn't mean to say, and cringing at the sub Lloyd Weber nonsense.

Have to share this gem in the 'do we really think childen are that stupid' category:

Jump, jump, jump, jump,
Jumpity jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump, jump, jump,
Jumpity jump for Jeeeesus

Hop, hop, hop...you get the idea. It went on for four verses, with actions

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Was CJ; now Not


Posts: 600 | From: the far, far West | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
tomb
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# 174

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Damn.

And I thought I'd managed to kill this miserable thread.


Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Anna B
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# 1439

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Oh, but I've missed this thread so much. Shortly before Christmas, I attended the ordination of a friend of mine whose musical taste is usually impeccable. He chose "Earth and All Stars"---discussed on the original thread---as the recessional. As I was putting on my coat, a woman nearby said to me, "What a lovely hymn," and without thinking I blurted out, "I always knew that one as 'Loud flushing toilets.'" She moved away quickly

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Bad Christian (TM)

Posts: 3069 | From: near a lot of fish | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Alchemist
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# 2178

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This is funnier if you know the tune, but the worst one I've heard for a while goes like this...

When Jesus heard that his very best friend
Called Lazarus had died,
He went to the grave and he cried REAL TEARS
And he told him to come alive.

It was a miracle, It was a miracle,
It was a miracle, and it's true-oo-oo
It was a miracle, it was a miracle,
cos that's what Jesus did do.

There's another verse I don't remember, and the piano does this odd 'dum de dum' thing after 'died'...


Posts: 197 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
simon 2
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# 1524

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In refference to the tree song, I read it as 'then I'll be a bloomin tree'. Bloomin as in 'aye that were a bloomin fine pint'.

Since you have no choice when you are christened and half the choice when you are married why shouldnt you have all the choice when you die. For me I think happy stuff, seeing as we dont have wakes usually over here in the uk.

--------------------
sorry for my spelling and bad gramma


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Steve_R
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# 61

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quote:
Originally posted by simon 2:

Since you have no choice when you are christened and half the choice when you are married why shouldnt you have all the choice when you die.

It is, after all, your last chance to really wind the organist up and s/he can't answer back!

--------------------
Love and Kisses, Steve_R


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jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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Oh, no, Thomasine, I can hear the melody for that horrible "lazarus died" thing, too! I have this sinking feeling that at the age of 50 I have finally found my true calling: composing really disgusting, perky tunes to accompany even more disgusting and perverted and stupid and... lyrics for children's christian choir ditties. Obviously I did something *really* bad and God is pissed! (You have to understand that I can't come up with a tune to save my life under normal conditions.)
Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
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# 174

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This Sunday during Communion, we will be singing a little ditty with a refrain that runs: Bind us together, Lord/Bind us together/with chords that cannot be broken.../bind us together in Love.

It's actually not too bad, and the verse fits the propers quite nicely.

Still, I am incapable of thinking of it as anything other than "Bondage for Jesus."

tomb


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ChastMastr
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# 716

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--------------------
My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Carys

Ship's Celticist
# 78

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quote:
Bind us together, Lord/Bind us together/with chords that cannot be broken.../bind us together in Love.

But chords can be broken (arpeggios) and aren't very helpful for tying things with either! Cords however are a different matter.

As to the hymn I liked it when I was about 10 but have gone off it over time.

Carys

--------------------
O Lord, you have searched me and know me
You know when I sit and when I rise


Posts: 6896 | From: Bryste mwy na thebyg | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

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# 68

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simon 2, I think the 'blooming' thing is supposed to be taken both ways. Ah, cutting edge humour.

Back in the old, old days of the Ship I started a thread called 'musical irreverence' where someone posted "bind us together with cords and black leather and tie my legs to the bedpost"...

Lazarus - I'm afraid the second verse is imprinted on my memory:

So they took the bandages off him
And he stood up strong and straight
And the people around all ooh'd and aah'd
As he sat right down and ate

Even worse, however, was one with the refrain:

Come down, Zacchaeus, come down from the tree
Come down, Zacchaeus, give the Lord his tea

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose


Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Weslian
Shipmate
# 1900

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Does anyone else find it impossible to sing the otherwise reasonable song: 'All I once held dear', without thinking of Danny Kaye's 'Ugly Duckling' when singing 'you're my all, you're the best, you're my joy, my righteousness.'??

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Sex, Shopping, Work, Christian Doctrine, Entertainment, Art, Sport.

Posts: 563 | From: somewhere too posh for my own good | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Oriel
Shipmate
# 748

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And he LOOKED.. and he SAW.. and he SAID.. "I AM a swan! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I`mmmmmmmmmmm Not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds in so many words say
*mch* The best in town
*mch* The best
*mch-mch* The best
*mch-mch* The best in town

I suppose there is a bit of a similarity, now you come to mention it. Myself, I really like that song, except for the "you`re the best" bit, which really spoils it.

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Unlike the link previously in my sig, I actually update my Livejournal from time to time.


Posts: 796 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Miffy

Ship's elephant
# 1438

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quote:
Originally posted by Weslian:
Does anyone else find it impossible to sing the otherwise reasonable song: 'All I once held dear', without thinking of Danny Kaye's 'Ugly Duckling' when singing 'you're my all, you're the best, you're my joy, my righteousness.'??

lol

So I'm not the only one. Gets me every time!

And what about "I'm Special" - which to me has the same pathetic...empathetic....(emetic) feel to it as that sweet little ditty by Keith Harris and Orville. You know - all together now:

I wish I could fly
Right up to the sky but I..... (nearest thing to a vomiting smiley)

--------------------
"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches


Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
MadKaren
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# 1033

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I got home from a night out yesterday to find my husband had got out a pile of music from the summer camps his community helped run. We found:

Scratch another head
Scratch a head next to you
Scratch another head and sing along....

I'm not going to torture you further with the rest

Madkaren

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--
Why do people who claim to love God embarrass him in public?


Posts: 866 | From: Jumping along the line between genius and insanity.... | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Oriel
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# 748

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I know that one! They rhyme "next to ya" with Alleluia. As in

Allalalala-lalalalaleluia
Allalalalalale, Allalalalalale,
Allalalala-lalalalaleluia
Allalalalalale, Alleluia

Hold another hand, hold the hand next to ya..

(the couple in front of me at that point obeyed gladly)

Hug another friend, hug the friend next to ya..

Kiss another friend..

(the couple in front of me started off on a marathon snogging session that lasted the rest of the event)

I think it stopped there (at any rate, I`m pretty sure there wasn`t a "shag another friend" verse..)

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Unlike the link previously in my sig, I actually update my Livejournal from time to time.


Posts: 796 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Old Hundredth
Shipmate
# 112

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'You are my hiding place' starts off like 'The Phantom of the Opera' so I keep expecting Michael Crawford to appear in clerical robes to conduct the service.

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If I'm not in the Chapel, I'll be in the bar (Reno Sweeney, 'Anything Goes')

Posts: 976 | From: The land of the barm cake | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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We sang 'All I Once Held Dear' at church Sunday morning. This was a song which I could get through before by thinking about the good lines, and ignoring the naff/trite (such as 'you're the best' ). Tahnks to this thread I was reduced to helpless laughter as I imagined the Ugly Duckling lyrics instead. This caused *bad looks* from the holier-than-thou couple who sit across the aisle from me

I hope you all burn in Hell for this

Viki

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”


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Oriel
Shipmate
# 748

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Ha! *We* had "Bind us together", and I couldn`t help but think of the bondage version.. and ended up trying to finish it! ("Strip me and tether me
Naked, and leather me
Bind us together in lust")

Robin is seriously thinking of complaining that we were made to sing something so trite and annoying. But that`s the sort of thing that happens when the warden (a man with taste) is away.

As a matter of fact, the verses are rather worse than the chorus. The chorus is merely twee. But "Born with the right to be clean" is bad theology. (We don`t have rights, we don`t *deserve* to be made clean, we are made clean only because God loves us.) And who is the third verse addressed to? Some lines seem to imply it`s us, others that it`s Jesus. There`s an alternative set of verses at the back of Mission Praise that are better in their theology (though they don`t scan any better).

Ultimately, it`s a totally unsuitable song for singing in church (especially as an introit hymn, which is how we had it, played on the organ). It`s for strumming on the guitar round a campfire or in a sitting-room, or singing unaccompanied when there are only a few of you. And it`s still not very good then.

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Unlike the link previously in my sig, I actually update my Livejournal from time to time.


Posts: 796 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chapelhead*

Ship’s Photographer
# 1143

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Hymns Old and New now has the second verse lines

quote:
Fit for the Glory of God
......
born with the right to be free
......

Which seem just as bad.

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Benedikt Gott Geschickt!


Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Charismanic
Apprentice
# 2200

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If I were a butterfly...to the tune of Eastenders. Horror Incarnate.

Or just as bad; Shine Jesus Shine to the tune of Grease. Both possible, and both hideously performed at St Mary Bredin, Canterbury.


Posts: 45 | From: Somerset, UK | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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Though this approach was far from universal, I easily can recall, during my young adult years (late 1960s-early 1970s), when two ghastly approaches were possible. The first was when popular songs were "analysed," some vague connection to religious content (which the author of the lyrics is unlikely to have intended) would be detected, and said song either was the topic of an article, used in a discussion group at church, or used in worship. The second, on the same theme, was when some local church "musician" would use a popular song's melody and compose new lyrics to be used in a worship service.

Oddly enough, I cannot remember specific instances in great detail (though I vaguely recall, when I spoke at a retreat for young adults during the 1970s, that they sang something about "I'm looking for space, and to find out who I am")... perhaps a lapsed memory is merciful on some conditions. However, enjoying this thread as I am, I ask others with similar memories to fill in the blanks.

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Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Kevin - Aberystwyth Student
Apprentice
# 1264

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With regards to your 2nd category, familiar tunes to which someone make's up words, I offer the following. We used to occasionally sing this awful chorus at our Family Eucharist to the tune of 'Match of the Day'

'Why don't you put your trust in Jesus,
and ask him to come in,
He saw or need from up in heaven
and died to save our sin;
Why don't you take him as your captain,
and crown him as your king,
For he'll love and help and guide you
he will never ever fail.

Clap-Clap-Clap- Jesus!'

I am not sure who wrote it though!


Posts: 25 | From: Aberystywth | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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NO - Did you ever see the christian lyrics set to 'WonderWall'?

It was the way the write had tried *so* hard to keep closely to the original lyrics, but make them to God instead. And he *almost* got it rhyming!

Viki

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”


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