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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: The Shiny New Limericks Thread
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
. No more toasters as gifts*
*US banks have been known to give toasters and other gifts to new customers.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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The5thMary
Shipmate
# 12953
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Posted
Their advertisements were foul,
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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.
Posts: 3451 | From: Tacoma, WA USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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The5thMary
Shipmate
# 12953
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Posted
Oops, I messed up! Sorry!
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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.
Posts: 3451 | From: Tacoma, WA USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Right, then, let's rescue it.
The marketing folk at my bank
were buoyed up, but then their hearts sank
No more toasters as gifts,
Henceforth only facelifts
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
Or a free draw for driving a tank.
I found when I opened my wallet
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
I'd spent all my funds at the mall; it
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
but now I must pay
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
If you bluff with the Devil, he'll call it!
It's Lent, but the wine list's so pretty
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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Oscar the Grouch
Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
The Shiraz is the best in the city!
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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
I oughta drink water
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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Stetson
Shipmate
# 9597
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Posted
Kiss only my daughter
Posts: 6574 | From: back and forth between bible belts | Registered: Jun 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
And sing an appropriate ditty.
Ash Wednesday -- it's come and it's gone.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
And I'm already craving a scone
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
But yield not to temptation
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
Eat only vegetation
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Then "scone out" when Lent is all done.
An old sailing ship in the bay
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Was painted a hideous gray.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
With bilious green
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
on the quarter-deck, seen
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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
at its worst when the sun shines at midday.
A chef, while preparing his lunch,
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Stetson
Shipmate
# 9597
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Posted
Put some valium into the punch.
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I have the power...Lucifer is lord!
Posts: 6574 | From: back and forth between bible belts | Registered: Jun 2005
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
He slacked preparations
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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jrw
Shipmate
# 18045
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Posted
which proves right a widely held hunch
We arrived at the 50 screen multiplex
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plug plug
Posts: 522 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
But we were lost in the dark
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Until a dog-eared card's bark
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
turned us all into quivering wrecks.
An annoying little pipsqueak called Sam
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Cameron PM
Shipmate
# 18142
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
turned us all into quivering wrecks.
An annoying little pipsqueak called Sam
Sat down to enjoy a nice ham
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Your call.
Posts: 59 | From: Talamh an Eisc | Registered: Jun 2014
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
But a weasel called Horace
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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Who sang in a chorus
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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The5thMary
Shipmate
# 12953
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Posted
was hell-bent on being damned!
While stuck on the toilet for a week,
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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.
Posts: 3451 | From: Tacoma, WA USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Constant contests for the "throne"
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
were resolved when a moan
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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
'Scaped Their Graces while taking a leak.
The organ is meant to be played
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
Not to only be buffed up and displayed
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Though when overly polished
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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The5thMary
Shipmate
# 12953
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Posted
and wrong notes are abolished
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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.
Posts: 3451 | From: Tacoma, WA USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
You can definitely hear how far the sheep have strayed.
There once was a lady from Leeds
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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Who was prone to abusing her steeds
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
by feeding them chillies
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
And using barbed wire for leads.
A botanist, using a trowel,
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Cut his finger, and let out a howl!
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
It became so infected
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Wet Kipper
Circus Runaway
# 1654
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Posted
that the doctors detected
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- insert randomly chosen, potentially Deep and Meaningful™ song lyrics here -
Posts: 9841 | From: further up the Hill | Registered: Nov 2001
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
a bug that's as big an owl.
It seems that this spring may have sprung
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Though nary a robin has sung
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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