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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Passive-Aggressive Notes
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Uber,
I'm writing to let you know how much I enjoyed your self-justifying whinge after the tax office ruled that tax had to be paid on the service you provide, in exactly the same way that tax must be paid on a taxi ride, and that therefore tax must be collected as part of the fare.
You're right. What were they thinking? Of course you're not a taxi service! No, you just arrange for drivers to pick up passengers at a requested location and drive them to another location for money. It's completely different! I just can't understand how the federal government and every State/Territory government in the locations you operate has fallen into the same schoolboy error!
The publicity inspired me to look into your business model more closely. And boy was I impressed. You've signed up an army of drivers to break the law for you by operating unlicensed, while you yourselves don't technically do anything wrong... and then you can pass on the savings of having no regulatory compliance costs to your grateful customers!
But the best part is how you bail out your drivers when they're caught, inspiring loyalty. It's genius! I'm curious to know exactly which of the movie/TV tales about crime bosses who remain untouched while their minions take the rap was your template. There are so many to choose from, but of course they all display the same combination of getting rich while being a moral coward that you are employing so successfully now.
I look forward to seeing how you handle the unease in your workforce (oops! sorry, they're not a workforce are they? independent contractors whom you help out every time they get into legal trouble, but won't fix their car) if the punishments change from fines you can pay out of the vast hoards of cash you're making from illegal activities into convictions and permanent criminal records.
I'm sure you can think of something. I believe in the test case in Melbourne you're arguing that the nasty transport inspectors were guilty of entrapment by asking for a ride. Of course! The poor innocent driver was doing nothing wrong right up until the government downloaded your app onto his phone and sent him the message ordering him to pick up a passenger. He had no choice but to do so!
However, I regret to inform you that I will be unable to partake of your services. A combination of my ethical obligations as a legal practitioner, duties as a public servant, suspicion of deals that are too good to be true, general belief in the rule of law and heck, just having some kind of spine will sadly prevent me from assisting in your quest to combine a positive social media image with making ridiculous amounts of money from cutting legal corners, a combination most multinational organisations can only dream about.
Very Sincerely,
orfeo
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Dear Boss
How delighted we were to be gifted with a young, fresh-faced line manager, eagerly moving from his first job to one demanding so much more in the way of people and management skills.
It's so wonderful to have someone young enough to be my son sending the inspirational emails which leave us speechless in awe and amazement at your use of language. May I say with all due respect that the crushing put-downs you deliver at even the mildest expression of another point of view, demonstrate the exactitude with which you judge your interaction with us.
Of course, your thirteen years' experience trumps our no doubt outdated thirty years or more. Knowing how offensive you find it when we refer to events which happened in our lifetimes, but before you were born, we now stifle every reference to pre-1982. Walking on eggshells is an invigorating pleasure compared to the boring tranquillity we experienced under your considerably older predecessor.
It is an honour and a privilege to be the minions trodden beneath your feet in your onward march to greener and more glorious pastures. May your progress be made with all speed, is the prayer of your
Hopelessly devoted
Staff
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
Going for a two birds with one stone.
Dear Jogger(s)
Recognizing your superior right to utilize pavement and road-space over and above the rest of us, I was delighted to have yet another opportunity to avoid seriously maiming and possibly killing you only recently. How right you are to ignore the movement of road traffic as you jog speedily along the footpath, turning quickly onto the pedestrian crossing and without slowing down or looking around you, zip across the road; quite rightly permitting no time at all for cars to decelerate safely, or even cotton on to what it was you were going to do. I myself - being less liberated than yourself and more blindly submissive to those ridiculous rules of highway travel - try to be more wary around crossings - 'just in case' - and tend to cover my brake, which is probably why you are currently still able to walk about without crutches. But it is so much more fun to have sprung upon me an athletic speeding pedestrian deciding to swap pathway for road, barely feet in front of my moving car, completely without warning. I really need that extra 'emergency brake' practice! And appreciate the rush of adrenaline my system receives having nearly run you over. And I apologise that for a brief moment of madness I was actually shocked and angry enough to think that there might have been some onus on your part to momentarily slow your pace and pause at the crossing, in the way we more stupid and less worthy people tend to do. I realize now the ordinary rules of road use, of course, do not apply in your extra-special case!
Please do continue, therefore, to jog across crossings and junctions as if you believe - as you must indeed believe - every motorist has a) noticed you and b) assumes and knows you are about to jump from the footpath into the path of their car, without the slightest indication that this is going to happen. I have no doubt this will prove entirely safe for you and completely satisfactory to motorists.
Yours
the driver in the hard metal box on wheels which no doubt will not at all damage your soft vulnerable body should it come into contact with it, even at a quickly reduced rate of mph.
And number two:
Dear roundabout drivers
please, I beg you, don't dream of using indicators. They are useless gratuitious decorations of which no right-minded vehicle driver should ever acknowledge the utility. Other drivers waiting to enter the roundabout - unlike you - really and truly have no serious purpose to their journey and are very happy indeed to wait patiently for you as drive round the island towards them, and then - without indicating, turn off onto an exit; thus foiling their own - precious and long-awaited - opportunity to get onto the roundabout. You are merely teaching them that their rights to safe and courteous use of the roads are - quite properly - secondary to yours. So once again, do not think for a moment of actually using the indicators that would communicate to others what it is you intend to do while moving at speed in traffic. This is completely unnecessary as everyone should know by now every route, change of journey and progression you make as you drive your car. There is no reason at all why it should benefit either other road-users or you to flag up that you are about to turn off the highway. Leaving it as a huge last-minute surprize is much more fun and not in any way likely to lead to accident or injury!
Your fellow - but obviously not equal in humanity - road-user.
<sigh> Enjoyed that!
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Dear Enlightened One,
I realize that not everyone appreciates self-deprecatory humor and I didn't expect you to smile at my mild joke about myself being fat, it wasn't even intended for your hearing.
What I didn't expect was a long lecture about how negative I am, how sad it makes you to hear me be so cruel to myself. Did I not realize that by saying the word, "fat," I am asking the Universe to make me fat and my inner-self will only hear the word "fat," out of a long sentence about how my summer shorts fit and think I want to be fat. Now I've gone and attracted all that fat in my direction and some of it might hit you. I guess the Universe's aim is as bad as my inner-self's hearing.
I know now that it "breaks your heart," to be around such negativity, so, in future, I'll try to follow your example of announcing every celery stick eaten and every pound lost as though it deserves a standing ovation from everyone present, just as we all love hearing about your yoga class, your herb garden and the latest chapter from your audio book of The Secret.
I have to draw the line, though, about your suggested affirmations to improve my self-esteem. My self-esteem gets the giggles too easily.
Positively yours,
Twilight
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
@Anselmina:
/Tangent/: Your posts remind me of a (true) story of a friend of mine who went to the Minister of a Baptist Church in a rural town about 40 years ago. One day he was driving down the main street when a cyclist suddenly veered across the road and turned right sharply, without signalling, causing him to brake suddenly.
Recognising the errant cyclist as one of his flock, he decided to tackle her on the Sunday and tell her how dangerous she'd been. "Oh", she replied, "but everyone knows that I turn right on Thursdays!" Such is life in a small community ...
/Tangent ends/
[ 24. May 2015, 07:11: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
Seconding Anselmina's PA rant on the non use of indicators when curcum-navigating roundabouts. Oh yes, a real cause of under-the-breath expletives that one.
We're sitting there like good little peeps remembering our Highway code on indicator procedure, while many others seemed to have developed a hidden code, or telepathy which allows them to know what others are doing without use of indicators.
Oh, and Gawd bless the car manufacturers who designed front indictors which are impossible to see flashing in strong sunlight.
[ 24. May 2015, 09:12: Message edited by: rolyn ]
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Macrina
Shipmate
# 8807
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Posted
Dear Richard the North Melbourne Fan,
Yes I know Richard isn't your name but I consider it to be an appropriate honorific. It was so kind of you to come over to us and check we were watching the screen in the twenty screen sports bar. We were glad you took the time to show your clear derision for our choice of sport after establishing we did want to watch this screen.
After all we were selfish in choosing this one screen out of the twenty available. I understand that having a stiff neck can be awful so it's completely clear to me why you simply had to go over and get the one screen that would have shown our sport changed over to yours. I agree you are special and should be able to sit directly in front of this screen and not have to share you space with the commoners watching the same game on the two huge screens and several other small screens around the bar.
It was a wonderful night we spent sat on the floor at the far end of the bar after you forced us out our seats. It was a truly lovely end to my holiday, thanks Dick.
Yours faithfully
Macrina
Posts: 535 | From: Christchurch, New Zealand | Registered: Nov 2004
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Kittyville
Shipmate
# 16106
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Posted
Such a terrible shame North Melbourne got absolutely walloped by the Dockers, too, eh Dick? I bet Macrina's gutted.
Posts: 291 | From: Sydney | Registered: Dec 2010
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
Following the theme ... [from the posts before the previous two]
Dear Driver Behind Me,
I am glad you are blessed with the telepathic gifts to know that the car which entered the roundabout directly across from me was not turning right but going to take this exit, despite the use of the right indicator. Yes, I know that some people do appear to advocate the use of the right indicator as a means to signify that they're not turning left. Unfortunately, I admit that my limited mental capabilities are unable to distinguish between a right indicator meaning "turning right" and "not turning left".
I really appreciate your attempts to communicate that I could have moved onto the roundabout since that other car wasn't turning right. A loud toot on the horn does convey that message very well. I trust that if I had followed the intuition you had and moved onto the roundabout, but that intuition was wrong, that you would be as quick at communicating with the emergency services come and deal with the traumatised children in the back of my car and whatever injuries were sustained by the driver and any passengers in the other car.
Yours,
The Driver In Front Of You
[ 24. May 2015, 09:42: Message edited by: Alan Cresswell ]
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
My self-esteem gets the giggles too easily.
That is a slogan awaiting a t-shirt.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
Dear Driver Behind Me,
...Yes, I know that some people do appear to advocate the use of the right indicator as a means to signify that they're not turning left.
I believe this wa a defensive tactic was started by cyclists who got fed up of people turning left across them, or into them, on roundabouts when not indicating, and wished to survive the experience.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
Sorry - but a little relieved - to see I'm not the only one annoyed about the things I ranted about.
Alan, I know your pain. Pumping-horn-man/woman is another dreadful bugbear of mine. I just want to get out of my car and go ask politely if they wouldn't mind sharing their mind-reading skills with me, as clearly they expect me to be already in possession of them!
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
I'm really sorry I crossed a road you were intending to exit on to. But I do appreciate the turn of speed you put on coming off the roundabout so as to be within horn honking distance. On a quiet, virtually trafficless Sunday morning it takes genuine effort to drum up anything approaching a driver/pedestrian interaction.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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passer
Indigo
# 13329
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Posted
From DT:
Hostly furry hat on.
I'll take soundings backstage as to whether the wording can be restored.
DT
HH
Hostly furry hat off
Any news on this?
[ 25. May 2015, 10:12: Message edited by: passer ]
Posts: 1289 | From: Sheffield | Registered: Jan 2008
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Yes. The news is that what was redacted stays redacted.
orfeo
Hellhost
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
Yes. The answer is no.
If you want to discuss this further, then a Styx thread is required.
DT
HH
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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passer
Indigo
# 13329
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Posted
Thank you for letting me know.
Posts: 1289 | From: Sheffield | Registered: Jan 2008
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
Damn... so quick, it burns.
MWAHAHAHA!!!
You would have been better off implying I had no life and was destined to spend my days hitting 'Refresh' on the Ship's homepage. You have much to learn, grasshopper.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
I bow before the master. I shall now needlessly carry a cauldron of burning coals, using only my forearms.
[ 25. May 2015, 11:31: Message edited by: Doc Tor ]
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
Dear Girl Guide,
If you spend the entire weekend pouting and arguing whenever asked to take your share of the duties, disappear and leave others to take down your tent and to take the rubbish up to the bins, among the things I spotted, then really don't be surprised when asked if you've been good and helpful all weekend I laugh, hollowly.
I really don't appreciate being lied to, and nor did your erstwhile BFF who challenged you. I'm not prepared to get into shall/shan't arguments with little madams, particularly when racing the rain to get tents down, but I shall remember your prevarications.
When you were attacked by all the other Guides from our Unit, one of the girls from the other unit on our site told me, so I did come to check. A quick earwig outside told me that the other Guides were equally fed up with your behaviour so I let them get on with it.
If you've lost all your friends, particularly your best friend, and have no-one prepared to share a tent with you next time we go away, do
you think you could possibly learn from this and not blame everyone else for being unfair?
I am not holding my breath.
Signed,
Your Guider
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
Dear Feline,
It is not often one is given the chance to instruct a generally acknowledged master on a subject, but one must take such opportunities when they arise. While there may, where you're from, be a place for complaining, in this place where you are now, we do passive aggressive notes. I understand that, for a few people, this can be difficult to understand, so let me show you how that should have been done:
quote:
Dear Girl Guide, Specialist Snowflake of the Universe,
Isn't nature wonderful? So many new sights and smells, so much time to spend enjoying the company of your absolute bestest besties to whom you would never say a single unkind word! I completely understand that mundane housekeeping chores should take a backseat to enhancing your wilderness experience and contemplating the harsh nature of reality while sitting on that rock just out of view, staring at a spot of muck a couple yards away.
I know that that muck spot is a new thing, while taking down your tent and cleaning up after yourself is something you've done before, and therefore don't need the additional experience. After all, you can throw things away at home; if you're to have a Full and Proper Wilderness experience, it's best to contemplate the muckspot while feeling the fresh breeze of an approaching front and fill your nostrils with the heady scent of rain.
Quite a strong scent, isn't it? Gonna be a bigun. Would soak your tent and gear if it was still outside—not to worry, we've got this. Your spiritual growth and insights gained from contemplating muck will be of great help in the future, I'm sure.
Etc. I'm sure you're capable of finishing the rest.
Helpfully yours,
Hellion
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Dear Ariston and Curiosity Killed,
Nice idea and I understand your desire to help but I sincerely doubt the Little Madam would be unable to understand anything more subtle than a Louisville Slugger. Both pieces are longer than a #tweet, so there's damn all chance of her reading it through.
Still, you'll feel the better for writing it.
Yrs,
SS, HH (Ret'd)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Sioni Sais,
Thank you for your suggestion of a 140-character limit in Hell, and illustration of how it might apply.
The current Hellhosts have given your suggestion the consideration it deserves. We have decided that while such a rule might, on the face of it, save us some labour, the truth is that extensive use of abbreviations would decrease the readability of Hell and make our job more difficult.
But we would encourage you to continue submitting your bright ideas.
Yours sincerely,
orfeo
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291
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Posted
Dear Cyclist,
I am writing to express my sincere apologies for my lapse this morning in forgetting for a moment that cyclists have right of way at all times and in all places. It was very remiss of me to think that I could cross the road simply because the pedestrian lights were green and the traffic lights were red.
I regret that this is a besetting problem with me – why, just the other day, I was foolish enough only to look right to check oncoming traffic when crossing the road and not to check that a cyclist was exercising his/her rights on the wrong side of the central reservation.
Still, I am pleased it seems that you have forgiven me – at least, I didn’t quite catch what you shouted at me, but assume it was a cheery greeting
Yours,
Forgetful pedestrian
Posts: 2303 | From: Lurking in Surrey | Registered: Sep 2002
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Liopleurodon
Mighty sea creature
# 4836
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
What I didn't expect was a long lecture about how negative I am, how sad it makes you to hear me be so cruel to myself. Did I not realize that by saying the word, "fat," I am asking the Universe to make me fat and my inner-self will only hear the word "fat," out of a long sentence about how my summer shorts fit and think I want to be fat. Now I've gone and attracted all that fat in my direction and some of it might hit you. I guess the Universe's aim is as bad as my inner-self's hearing.
Twilight, this video was made for you. (nsfw - DT HH)
[ 27. May 2015, 11:00: Message edited by: Doc Tor ]
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Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous God that Desert Bluffs has. - Welcome to Night Vale
Posts: 1921 | From: Lurking under the ship | Registered: Aug 2003
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
Your boss might be happy with Bill Nye saying fuck. Others might not be.
If you're going to post links, mark them up accordingly, or incur hostly wrath.
DT
HH
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Liopleurodon
Mighty sea creature
# 4836
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Posted
My apologies. You're quite right.
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Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous God that Desert Bluffs has. - Welcome to Night Vale
Posts: 1921 | From: Lurking under the ship | Registered: Aug 2003
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Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076
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Posted
Dear Noisy,
I really appreciate the way you always shower me with discussion whenever you have a chance. I know that your words are a gift, so I am truly blessed. Indeed my cup runneth over. Unfortunately your constant speech did not make my headache better in the least, but I trust that if more talking would have done it, you would have.
I am also sorry that everything in your life is bad. It does seem that the city and the state are out to get you, as your your neighbors and the school system. Oh and the public transportation system, after all you told me about them yesterday, I don't know how I could forget them. I'm sure this point of view will be very good for your teenager.
I'll be praying for you,
Gwai
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A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.
Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Japes
Shipmate
# 5358
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Posted
Dear White Van Driver,
I do apologise for my inconsiderate actions as a pedestrian today. I had forgotten that the rights of the motor vehicle user now took precedence over the rights of a pedestrian. I should not have stopped by the bus stop with my bags of shopping and, having done such a foolish thing, I should have moved immediately you tooted your horn at me.
I apologise also to the drivers of the three other vehicle inconvenienced as I refused to move me and my shopping whilst you carried on tooting your horn. You made such interesting gestures with your non-horn tooting hand for which I must commend you.
Yours,
Japes.
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Blog may or may not be of any interest.
Posts: 2013 | From: Somewhere in the middle | Registered: Dec 2003
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Lord Jestocost
Shipmate
# 12909
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Posted
Dear Upstairs Neighbours,
Some people count sheep when they can't sleep. Thank you so much for not only inflicting me with the sleeplessness in the first place but providing me with the means of countering it. I refer of course to my nightly thought game of "what on earth are they doing up there?"
The moving of the furniture around midnight has become a bit passé, though I can still award myself points by guessing which piece it is that you're shifting. Last night seemed to include either dropping a chain directly above my head, at random intervals - or was it some kind of ceramic construct? I couldn't decide but look forward to renewing my acquaintance with it tonight. And that strange vibration - obviously mechanical, but like a very loud cat's purr - well, that's a new one and it has me beat. But I've no doubt I'll have plenty of opportunity to work it out.
Somnambulistically,
Lord J
Posts: 761 | From: The Instrumentality of Man | Registered: Aug 2007
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
Dear fellow bus passenger
I was quietly delighted at the coincidence that we both chose to disembark at the same stop this morning. Yet when you stopped immediately after stepping off the bus, seemingly to ponder whether you wanted to or not, it really made me (and the half a dozen people stuck behind me) also ponder the existential question of whether or not we really did want to get off the bus at this point.
As it turns out, the answer was that we did. We were also grateful for the exercise in squeezing between you and the lamppost, as you stood there somewhere between meditation and catatonia.
Kind regards,
Mr Suit on the number 40
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
On a similar note...
'Why am I here? What am I doing? Where should I go from here?' These are deep and important questions which we should ponder. That they have struck you immobile just as you stepped off the down escalator is a timely reminder to us all.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
I bow before the master. I shall now needlessly carry a cauldron of burning coals, using only my forearms.
Grasshopper, is that you?
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
I bow before the master. I shall now needlessly carry a cauldron of burning coals, using only my forearms.
Grasshopper, is that you?
Dear Golden Key,
How delightfully refreshing of you to read Doc Tor's post with no thought whatsoever for the context that generated it. In this case, my post immediately above it.
I've traditionally thought that reading with an attention span somewhat longer than the proverbial goldfish was the best method. However, I'm actively considering trialling your approach.
Sincerely,
orfeo
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
I think the bus passenger above was channelling Gauguin, and his masterpiece, 'Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?'
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
Dear Pedestrian,
Your right to the whole width of the pavement between the up-on-the-kerb cars and the brick wall is clearly recognised by all, even to the point of being totally oblivious to your surroundings because the phone conversation you are so evidently enjoying is taking every last milligram of your attention. I appreciate I am only a beardy, middle-aged bloke with a bit of a pot, that I look more than faintly ridiculous in running gear, and therefore rendered completely invisible.
Consequently, it would have been a grievous error on my part not to turn completely sideways as I attempted to negotiate the rapidly-closing gap between your ironically-clad-in-sports-gear body and the wing mirror of the nearest car, because channelling my inner Indiana Jones on a variety of urban obstacles is what I live for.
The alternative - leaving you sprawled and dazed on the gum-encrusted ground as a hundred kilos slams into you at speed - was too terrible to contemplate, and would only be slightly ameliorated by the fact we were opposite the ambulance station at the time of our meeting.
I look forward to our paths, er, crossing again.
Warmest regards,
Doc Tor
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Dear Neighbor:
I know that the arrival of the daily mail (post) is the high point of your otherwise empty day, and that you look forward to receiving even the most banal circular from the least attractive supermarket in the neighborhood as if it were a letter from a long-lost friend (of which you have none, I realize).
That must be why, after retrieving the mail from your mailbox, you stand in front of it for what seems to be hours on end, reading (at your slow pace, for you were out sick the day that reading was introduced to your first grade class at school) every bit of mail you've received.
Naturally I'll wait patiently for you to move out of the way so that I can access my own mailbox. No piece of mail that could be waiting there for me can possibly come anywhere near to the importance of your own mail. And, of course, since you have nothing else to do, it must also be true that I have nothing else to do and look forward every day to the opportunity to stand patiently watching you block access to the mailboxes. It's so entertaining!
We're so lucky to have a neighbor as considerate as you.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
Dear Brompton owner.
It was so good to see your vehicle close up today. Something which is so technically advanced and also a work of art.
You really have the best folding bike that money can buy. However a suggestion, before venturing into the most crowded area of one of the countries busiest stations at rush hour, as it has a superb folding mechanism, you might consider folding it rather using it as a battering ram.
Yours,
Disabled pedestrian.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
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Posted
Dear next-door neighbour: Perhaps you feel I need a little more exercise - perhaps you have heard that every step counts and are helping me to start off small by considerately parking your car in the single street car-parking space outside my house instead of in one of the two off-street parks or indeed one of the two street-side car parks associated with your own dwelling, so that I need to park further uphill? That must be it - I had been wondering, but it did seem a little preposterous. Then came yesterday, when you put your bins out in the small spot at the top of my driveway which is the only place from which they can be collected, given that you have handily blocked up the rest of my frontage with your car, instead of placing your bins somewhere along your own capacious and car-free frontage...
Or perhaps you think it makes your place look untidy to have cars and bins hanging about it - in which case can I suggest the following: Mow the lawn - wash the house - weed the garden, and if the money allows, for god's sake start painting things - all the things which are flaking, peeling, moss or soot or lichen-covered. Cart away the gigantic pile of dead tree-prunings which are visible from the street. Remove the notifiable weeds.
I don't need more exercise, dear neighbour, because you see, I get a good sweat up on a regular basis doing these sorts of things...
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The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Shipmates,
I find the near-constant transport theme of this thread endlessly fascinating in its illustration of the sheer variety of modern life.
One could almost imagine that you all spend your lives going somewhere, yet never arriving.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
... you all spend your lives going somewhere, yet never arriving.
They do arrive, but they can't find a parking-space. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
Dear Chief Constable,
Thank you so much for sending your helicopter to hover over our houses in the middle of the night, and so often too.
Now that the friendly bobby no longer plods the beat, it's so reassuring to know that you are still watching over us for our welfare, that you really care for us. Particularly after what happened in Glasgow 18 months ago, it's also so encouraging to realise that you don't only send your team out when there are crimes being committed, that you are assiduous in keeping them trained in stationary night flight at low altitude over residential areas.
My children find it so inspirational to hear your heroes of the sky that doubtless when they are old enough to express themselves in words, rather than just cry at being woken up, they will be telling us that when they grow up, they will want to join the police too.
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
Dear Management of the Building,
A thousand thank yous for all your sterling work on sorting out the air conditioning. Some might say it’s bit unnecessary for it to be turned on when it’s only 18° outside but not you. You are a visionary organisation! If this country’s going to go forward, someone needs to start contributing to the economy so well done on buying all that electricity from EDF. None of that old-fashioned opening the window for us! And this way we don’t get bored either. There’s endless entertainment to be had from pressing the buttons on the remote control and seeing what’s going to happen this time. I love surprises. Also the technician is very sweet and it’s always nice to get a visit from him and see the look of puzzlement on his little face when he doesn’t understand why the cold air is supposed to be turned off in our office but there’s still a frigorific blast coming out of the vent.
As for all the microbes that circulate through the system, I can’t thank you enough for helping me to develop a stronger immune system. Should the state of my sinuses result in getting signed off sick, it will be the next best thing to a holiday.
Lots of love
la vie en rouge xxx
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
... you all spend your lives going somewhere, yet never arriving.
They do arrive, but they can't find a parking-space.
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Seriously, you just made my night.
EDIT: Well, not just you. The next couple of posters as well. Excellent all round. I should get you some sort of reward. Chocolates? Do you all like chocolates?
WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? I'M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU DAMMIT! STOP QUIVERING!
[ 29. May 2015, 14:32: Message edited by: orfeo ]
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I was going to post something about praying for a parking spot, but-t m-m-my hands-ss-s are shaking.g.g.g.g....
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Dear Channel 5,
Lovely of you to take an interest in theology, your take on Revelations was really enhanced by intercutting between stock footage of nuclear war, staged scenes of the future and parts of a penioners nativity play.
I particularly enjoyed the reenactment of "the great disappointment" of the millerites - the care and expense you went to for those additional 5 extras was really worth.
Yours in the hope of more of your excellent religious programming,
DT
(Doc Tor stop stealing my initials)
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
Dear D,
I'm so incredibly sorry that your lack of education confuses the initials of your own name with mine. I shall make a donation to the Doc Tor Foundation for the Enlightenment of Drooling Idiots (or DTFEDI, as it is snappily known) in the hope of relieving your impairment.
Hellish regards,
DT
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Dear Radio NZ,
Thank-you so much for your hour long programme The Panel . Such depth of knowledge, and the sparkling wit and humour has to be heard to be believed. So different from those boring programmes where the people interviewed actually know something about the topic under discussion.
But on Friday you really outdid yourselves on the topic of the new programme for teaching sexuality in schools. One of your panellists reiterated several times that it's obvious there are two genders who are different from each other, so he didn't see what the fuss was about, while the other was a mate of someone on the team who designed the programme, and the mate was a good bloke.
I will be eagerly awaiting the next appearance of these two gentlemen discussing a wide range of topics.
And thank-you for giving me the opportunity to test the limits of my blood pressure medication - you are truly offering a public service.
Huia
[ 29. May 2015, 21:07: Message edited by: Huia ]
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Liopleurodon:
Twilight, this video was made for you. (nsfw - DT HH)
Thank you so much, this has really helped me understand. Particularly this part:
"Scientists once believed the universe was a chaotic collection of matter, we now know the universe is a force sending cosmic guidance to white women in their twenties."
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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