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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Passive-Aggressive Notes
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Dear Airline Company
How thoughtful of you to ask us to arrive two hours before our pre-dawn flight, only to text us individually just at the moment when we should have been boarding the plane, that it was in fact delayed for two further hours. And, to add to your consideration, after that two hours you did precisely the same thing- Again!
Could transparency have gone further? Well, there is a haunting feeling that giving reasons for the delay might have quieted our concerns as to whether the plane was going to take off that day or the next.
You so generously awarded us vouchers which could be exchanged for anything in the airpot except alcohol. How were you to know that W.H.Smith were not up for this, in spite of the fact that they sell food? Naturally, your optimistic statement relied on the unspoken goodwill of the local concessions. The fact that as an assistance user, I had to be wheeled round looking for some retail outlet which would accept the voucher was an unfortunate, and doubt in your eyes unforeseeable blip.
Besides, passengers had the unforgettable experience of four hours spent in an overcrowded departure lounge, exchanging life histories with those passengers from your earlier cancelled flight to the same destination. Truly has it been said that every cloud has a silver lining. I have it on good authority that matches were made and broken during this period, resulting in karma for all.
Keep it up, guys.
Traveller
[ 30. May 2015, 09:51: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Dear health service providers everywhere,
My friend Jacobsen's airline gratitude, has just reminded me of your latest effort to serve us even better.
It's the entirely "new for this century" definition of "appointment." In my old fashioned way I still believed it meant "time we should be at the designated meeting place." Thank you so much for modifying this to mean "slot in your appointment ledger you haven't filled in yet."
I just love it when you call and say you've changed my appointment from today in twenty minutes to next Thursday at 9:00. Even as I'm inking it in my calendar square, you remind me that you would like me to be there a half hour early. I'm so flattered that you like to gaze at me in the waiting room for that special half hour each time I come, and I've always enjoyed watching that droning health video over and over to test my ability to memorize things.
I only wish I had learned to wait for the "real," appointment time before messing up my calendar page but since I've bought a special bottle of white out just for you, it's all just added fun.
Your patiently, ha ha,
Twilight.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Ancient Friend that is able to converse with me via the magic of Facebook despite us having not seen each other for 15-20 years and having almost no prospect of ever seeing each other again,
Yes, I am not the person you once knew. Well spotted.
Your attempts to make me lament this development are duly noted. I look forward to contemplating the importance of your views during my next bowel movement.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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The Rhythm Methodist
Shipmate
# 17064
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Posted
Dear National Health Service,
What a joy and reassurance it is, to know that my treatment is in such capable hands. I couldn't ask to be irradiated by a more professional group of people.
I was especially impressed by the way you handled the problem of the lattice mask, which I found so uncomfortable during the procedures. I thought your prescription of tranquilisers really went to the heart of the issue. Not only that, the pharmacy's substitution of Imodium for the prescribed Diazepam was inspired. I didn't even notice for four days that I'd been having medication to bung me up, instead of stuff to calm me down. But the logic is infallible: I might have a panic attack during treatment, but I wouldn't literally shit myself.
On top of all the pain-killers (which also have the same effect as Imodium) it was no surprise when I had to call on your services for an enema. True, the one administered at the local hospital didn't work, but it did ensure I had to stand up while waiting for help at your main facility. Not that I had to wait that long. When 11 pm came and went, I asked how soon I would be dealt with - and was so pleased to hear I would be next after the guy you were currently working on. My heart goes out to him - I can't imagine what treatment could take a further nine hours.
I also admire your persistence: Despite being told the type of enema which had already failed, you used the same type a further three times, before moving on to something which would actually work. I don't suppose you've ever experienced a failed enema, but I do hope you may one day get that opportunity, as I know you so keen to understand your patients' experiences.
Posts: 202 | From: Wales | Registered: Apr 2012
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Awww, Rhythm Methodist. Your name always makes me laugh and so did some of your post, but mainly I'm just so sorry you're having to go through this.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Dear Twilight,
Your kindness and empathy is beyond compare, but perhaps in the future you might consider conveying it by PM. I could't bear to think of the guilt that would burden you if you contributed to the unraveling of a truly brilliant thread.
Kisses,
Kel
[ 30. May 2015, 18:25: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Dear Fellow Laundromat User,
In our harried and hurried day and age, when time is both scarce and precious, it's truly inspiring to come across someone who appreciates a more slow and thoughtful approach to life.
It's so refreshing to observe your cool dismissal of the many clean, available folding tables on the premises in favor of removing, one sock at a time, your dried clothing directly from the dryer, neatly folding or rolling each item and depositing it in your waiting laundry bag.
Not for you the rough-and-tumble chaos which ensues from depositing a dryer-load of shirts, underwear, and trousers onto a clean, flat surface. And it's so considerate of you, too, to give the machine a proper rest between bouts of drying. I'm sure the reduction in wear-and-tear is appreciated by the dryer and the management of the Laundromat.
I also welcome the opportunity to examine your folding technique as you painstakingly, bit-by-bit, and ever-so-carefully render empty the only dryer in the place likely to be available within the next 45 minutes. It's not often I get the chance to consume not only my own lunch hour but the appointment time of a client with an anxiety disorder in order to watch over a load of wet laundry awaiting its own shot at returning to some reasonably dry, semi-wearable state.
But please, do continue with rooting through your dried clothes as they rest in that machine for the mate to that sock. I know it must be in there somewhere, and I wouldn't want to see you, in some utterly unnecessary haste, match this black sock up with some other black sock to which it is completely unsuited. Do carry on, as we all understand that those folding tables are for lesser souls who go galloping through their lives as though they were in some sort of race.
Yours,
The lady with the wet laundry and the short lunch hour.
[ 30. May 2015, 21:30: Message edited by: Porridge ]
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
It's so refreshing to observe your . . . removing, one sock at a time, your dried clothing directly from the dryer
And yes, of course, I'd be happy to clean the lint filter after you. Don't even dream of doing it yourself . . . I know you're in a great hurry.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
It's so refreshing to observe your cool dismissal of the many clean, available folding tables on the premises in favor of removing, one sock at a time, your dried clothing directly from the dryer, neatly folding or rolling each item and depositing it in your waiting laundry bag.
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
Dear Happy Revelers,
Thank you so much for sharing your joy with us this morning by clapping, singing and shouting in the street outside our open window at 5.00am. What a treat for us to be fully awake at such an hour to be able to enjoy the wonder of the dawn chorus! Indeed it was good of you to choose a Sunday morning, the one day of the week when we are in danger of sleeping right through without being woken by the rattling opening of metal shutters and clattering of the delivery men at the fast food place across the road. In fact you woke us a good hour earlier than they usually manage, bringing to mind the words of John the Baptist "He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me".
Yours
A keen early riser.
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Neighbour (or more likely, neighbour's son). I do you hope you were enjoying the astronomical display of Jupiter and Venus setting in the west in the deep turquoise sky along with your ciggie. I know you take great care that your smoking does not fill your home with smoke. You may have noticed the sound of closing windows and door after a few minutes. That was because I was enjoying the display and taking pictures without the window glass in the way, but had to retreat behind it to keep out your smoke. I quite understand that mine is a niche activity, and your smoking is perfectly legal (I appreciate that the smell was normal cigarette smoke), and so trumps my enjoyment of the evening.
Your mother's ex-teacher.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Penny S ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
Dear concert organiser,
It was a wonderful idea having two major concerts in Cardiff on the same night. I mean, One Direction and The Manic Street Preachers! Wow! It was so kind of you to plan it so that there would only be one lot of disruption, not two. And the congestion and queues on all roads going anywhere near Cardiff gave fans an unrivalled oppportunity to appreciate the scenery, including that surrounding the motorway - it's so much easier to appreciate it at 5 miles per hour rather than 70mph.
Yours,etc...
(Lord P took 6 1/2 hours on a journey which normally takes 3 1/2)
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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Dear Lucy Frazer,
Parliamentary Maiden speeches can be rather dull, so I would like to congratulate you on your bold, some might say "brave" decision to hark back to the glory days when England was a Republic, ruling monarchs could be decapitated and anyone supporting the monarchy could be captured and either killed or sold into slavery.
Given your attitude to those fighting for Charles II to gain the united thrones of Scotland and England, I assume you bitterly regret the Restoration which has ultimately resulted in our present Queen. But ( a word to the wise) didn't you take an oath of loyalty to Her Majesty just a couple of weeks ago?
Perhaps you had your fingers crossed at the time.
Anyway, splendid speech!
Yours,
Interested historian.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Nick Jensen,
How exciting it was of you to put our little city on the map! Your achievement in saying something so breathtakingly stupid that it has made international headlines is to be applauded, as is your ability to cause a net increase in global mirth.
Your skill in maintaining two mutually exclusive "principles" (if I may use the term loosely) should not be underestimated. It is a rare person indeed who can fight so hard to prevent the civil recognition of same-sex relationships, and simultaneously declare that the civil recognition of his own relationship is valueless (because God's recognition is the important bit).
I'm curious to know if when you planned this, you in fact secretly knew that you don't meet the legal requirements for a divorce in this country, adding the delicious twist that the government appears to value your marriage more than you do? It's almost too good to be accidental.
I do hope you don't try to establish that you and your "wife" (to use a technical term) have been living apart for over 12 months and have no prospect of reconciliation. I think this is in truth a lesser option in your quest for a divorce. I think it would be far more rewarding for all of us if you argued that this legal requirement doesn't apply to you for some reason, and that the Government is violating your religious conscience by forcing you to remain lawfully wedded when you, as a God-fearing Christian, want to just peacefully live in sin in much the same way that thousands of couples you've traditionally looked down upon are able to.
Regards,
O.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest
[ 11. June 2015, 17:23: Message edited by: Zacchaeus ]
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest
So harsh. Of course we give a damn! A Divorce Party event has already been organised on Facebook!
I saw it after 2 hours. 1800 people had already signed up, though I suspect some of them aren't locals and wouldn't actually turn up on the night.
[ 11. June 2015, 22:53: Message edited by: orfeo ]
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest
So harsh. Of course we give a damn! A Divorce Party event has already been organised on Facebook!
I saw it after 2 hours. 1800 people had already signed up, though I suspect some of them aren't locals and wouldn't actually turn up on the night.
yes but some people would go anywhere, if they thought there was a free beer in it for them...
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Damn! I came on here to write that letter Orfeo, but you not only pipped me at the post, you did it so well.
Curses.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Chamois
Shipmate
# 16204
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Posted
Dear Tim Hunt
I was so sorry to hear about the problems you have experienced with women colleagues. I can see that it must be very inconvenient for you, as a world-class scientist, to be falling in love with your colleagues and to have them falling in love with you.
I completely agree with you that the tendency of "the ladies" to burst into tears when criticised is very embarrassing. I quite understand that this sort of thing must be so disruptive to your important research. Personally, the only thing I find worse is the tendency men have to sulk for days when someone criticises them.
I think you were very brave to share your concerns in public and I hope you will continue to give the scientific community the benefit of your closely reasoned views on this important topic.
Yours sincerely
A Woman Scientist
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
Posts: 978 | From: Hill of roses | Registered: Feb 2011
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
I blame that slut Marie Curie, instead of doing real science, like the men, she was pirouetting, showing her ankles, and distracting the men. No women in the labs!
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Karma. She did die from her "lab work".
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
orfeo: Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!
It is a difficult lot, but some need to carry it.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
orfeo: Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!
It is a difficult lot, but some need to carry it.
Aren't we lucky it's not us.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Dear Newport Bus Company,
It's kind of you to indicate that a bus in "Not in Service" but why the "Sorry" prefix? How can a lump of metal, rubber, glass and plastic be sorry for anything?
Still, it's better than Stagecoach buses, which carry the all-too-cutesey "Sorry I'm Out of Service".
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Sioni,
Do keep trying, you'll get the hang of this thread eventually! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Dear Bus Stop Vigilante,
You are my hero. Today you stood up for every one of us who have suffered the sneering smirk of a self-satisfied municipal bus conductor who looked us straight in the eye as he shut the doors just as our noses came within striking distance. I have been there, and my heart swelled with pride when you jumped in the path of the bus and refused to move after suffering one too many insults. Hooray!
I do have to ask, however-- how does it serve justice to have your silly ass thrown in the back of a police cruiser?
It is my understanding that the local hoosegow serves particularly tasty soup. Judging from the hour of your departure, I am sure you were lucky enough to arrive just in time to sample it for dinner. Well done, and thank you for the afternoon floor show.
A Grateful Citizen
[ 13. June 2015, 03:31: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Soror Magna
Shipmate
# 9881
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Posted
Dear Neighbour:
I am very impressed that you wear proper hearing protection while cutting tiles on your balcony. I wouldn't want you to damage your hearing at 6:30 am on a Sunday. I'm very glad I wasn't able to sleep through it; I think it's wonderful when neighbours get together and help each other out with these sorts of projects, even if it means giving up the one morning of the week I can sleep in. Everyone in the building is really looking forward to using your remodeled bathroom, since you generously included all of us in your project.
Love,
The other 56 households in your building
PS You'll want to get extra toilet paper
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"You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean." -- Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
Posts: 5430 | From: Caprica City | Registered: Jul 2005
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Dear übermensch,*
i am sorry-- I keep forgetting that it is my primary function to support you, agree with you, cheer your successes, and to greet your ideas with awestruck joy. I keep forgetting and indulging in this silly, impetuous, feminine urge to offer ideas of my own. You have made it clear that such temerity is tiresome beyond words, and evidence of uppityness.
However, I applaud you graceful method of dealing with my rude insistance on inserting myself into conversations with Far More Important People-- by pretending I haven't said anything at all, waiting till a half hour or so has passed, and offering the exact same ideas as if nobody had said anything at all. That way, you can harvest whatever meager worth there might be from my silly ideas and use them to your benefit and prestige, without falling into the danger of reinforcing my terrible habit of articulating said ideas.
Big squishy hugs,
A Helpmeet.
* unfortunately, I have to call this one a form letter.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Most Estimable Housemates,
The serendipitous nature of life with you -- that blend of creativity, shock, and scrambling for alternatives that has proved such a stimulating spur to consuming spare time and money which I might otherwise selfishly spend on my own needs -- has offered such tremendous insights into our respective characters.
It's so charming of you to offer 2 hours' notice that my child-minding services are not required this evening, and may perhaps, possibly-but-not- definitely, though you-never-can-tell, be uncalled-upon for the rest of the summer, particularly after I just returned home having spent my own money on vegetables your children actually recognize and are known to enjoy (since there's never any way to predict what, if anything, might be inside your refrigerator for their dinner), and which, without access to your kitchen for preparing their and my meal, I now have no way to cook.
It's especially amusing when I recall the kitchen arrangements you offered in tempting me to move in here -- 6 days of full access to a modern, well-equipped kitchen in which I could make use of all my own equipment, so long as I allowed you to take it over on Sundays.
Imagine my delighted surprise on moving in to discover every possible kitchen cupboard and drawer and nook and cranny (to say nothing of every inch of counter space) fully occupied with your own kitchenware, and that you were preparing to serve meat-based meals 3 times a day, 7 days a week, to your vegetarian roomer, who now makes all her meals with a hot-water pot and a toaster oven in her bathroom! It has been such an interesting challenge to maintain some semblance of health on the resulting diet!
The fact that your lifestyle has now resulted in the trashing of all 4 dishwashers, 2 of the 3 ovens, and that all 3 sinks are constantly full to the brim of dirty dishes, garbage, trash, and occasionally maggots certainly adds pizzazz to the general devil-may-care approach you have toward life.
This constant element of surprise is certainly keeping me on my toes, which I'm sure is your friendly intent, and I just want you to know how much fun I find living with these constant re-arrangements.
Yours in surprise,
Your tenant
[ 16. June 2015, 21:38: Message edited by: Porridge ]
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076
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Posted
Dear Blackhawks fans,
Congratulations on winning a thing. I gather you are very pleased about it. Though honestly with as many substances as you were already full of at 7am, I doubt some of you know what you are pleased about. Is that what the gear is about, to remind you what you're standing blocking in the middle of a busy crosswalk mooing about? Sorry about that aggressive jerk who elbowed you She was trying to catch a bus, and the light was about to change in that crosswalk you were blocking.
Congrats again,
Gwai
Dear Busdriver,
It must suck having your route changed on probably short notice because some sports people sportsed very well. Of course I guess you didn't know that your route had changed. Did you wonder why I stepped onto your northbound bus to ask you whether the southbound busses were still going down State street? Since you hadn't seen the insanity a few blocks south of you yet, my behavior may have seemed a bit odd. I'm guessing you were pretty confused since instead of answering you just drove away with me confusedly hanging on. I'm certainly glad you were rid of me so soon since you completely misinformed me on the route of your own bus! I do hope your passengers got to their destinations eventually.
Good luck,
Gwai
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A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.
Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear broadband/cableTV/telephone company. I do appreciate that you have a lot of work to do now that you have agreed to restore cable access to a neighbourhood where residents are forbidden to have aerials or satellite dishes after so many years, and that you needed to get the cable to the border of my property before the planned installation next week.
However, it would have been a good idea if you had a) let me know in advance when you were coming, and b) suggested to your staff that where there is a doorbell fitted it is probably a good idea to use it and not just fiddle with the letter box cover. You were very lucky that I was a) in and b) within earshot. You weren't to know that the only reason I wasn't out shopping was because I wasn't feeling very well, and the only reason I heard the tiny noise was because I had got up from my bed briefly for a cup of coffee. The doorbell, if used, is enough to waken the dead.
I am now feeling even less well after heaving things out of the way of the cable conduit through the garden, which turned out not to be necessary until next week.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear horse riders, just a note to let you know that I did see your gracious hand wave to acknowledge that we had driven so considerately behind you until you decided to pull off the road to let us go past. You may have wondered why I was so impolite as not to reciprocate.
That was because I had been following you as you walked your steeds slowly for a quarter of a mile, side by side down a single track lane, where there were at least six ample passing places you could have used to let us get by. I was not sure you actually knew we were there until the last few yards, when you did get into single file. As you may not be drivers, I should point out that we are not allowed to pass you when you wave us on unless we can be sure ourselves that road is clear, and where there is a 90 degree turn to the right, we can't do that. As riders, you must realise that we have to leave more room as we pass than there would be in that lane - we don't have the facility of Rowling's night bus of becoming thinner.
You may not have needed to be anywhere at any time, but other road users can do. So, no, I did not wave in friendly fashion. I was not feeling friendly.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Dear Tailgater,
I am driving a Seat Ibiza, not a Klingon Warbird with its invisibility cloak activated. You are actually following me, and not (as you obviously think) the car in front of me.
I apologise profusely for not being able to (a) levitate out of your way, or (b) automatically open my rear hatch so that you can come in and keep me company.
Could it be that you are in a hurry to get into your grave before it gets cold?
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Dear Supermarket Manager - It is truly delightful that you have decided that the school holidays are a good time to change the layout of your shop.
The courage of your staff in going ahead with the work even though the new signage had yet to arrive is amazing and only surpassed by the creativity of the placement of grocery items in unusual places, making today's shopping akin to a real life version of Where's Wally without the stripes.
The attitude of the staff when asked where items were (a shrug and "who knows?") only added a sense of mystery to the process.
A delighted and grateful shopper.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Neighbour's guests. I do hope you enjoyed what you were smoking last night. It was so helpful to have a reminder of its smell, which I had quite forgotten, it being such a long time since I met those nice people protesting about the multiplex planned for the Crystal Palace site. Unfortunately, it was such a long time ago that I have also forgotten where my incense sticks are, so I had to close my windows again.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear cable connecting dudes, I'd like to thank you for the job you did connecting my house to the node at the end of my garden, especially with the problems you had when the existing ducting I had carefully preserved wouldn't allow you to pass the fibre optic cable through it. I know you aren't gardeners, from the abandon with which you scattered cables over my plants, and the way you pulled up the bramble which was supposed to be rooting in a pot so I could give it to my niece, but surely you must have realised that a plastic bin full of water, with a lid on it, was meant to be full of water, and it wasn't in your remit to throw away my carefully collected rain water? I know it didn't look like a rainwater butt, and that it wasn't connected to a downpipe, but that is because there were no butts in the shops when I, like everyone else, suddenly realised we needed them, and I don't have a downpipe. I have to rig up a run of guttering on the side of the house, a job I wasn't thinking I had to do for a while. You could have asked. I, despite lacking your muscles, am perfectly capable of moving 80 litres of water out of the way without spilling. (I thought I had!) As I, a weak and feeble woman, am also capable of mending the duckboarding outside the back door, when I've bought some nails.
I'm not sure how you managed to fix the cable to the house, as I never saw you with any steps, but I genuinely would like to thank you for doing it without damaging the honeysuckle and the jasmine. Well done!
[ 10. July 2015, 08:40: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
Dear Exam Officer,
I am so sorry I underestimated your consequence and continued erroneously in the belief that it was part of your job to enter students for exams when you received requests, face to face, by phone and by e-mail. I really should have got the message when it took three attempts for a student to be entered for one exam with monthly entry dates, so I shouldn't have been disappointed to find that you failed to enter any students for any June exams.
Your importance is obviously so great, in the big scheme of your life and career, that exam scripts and coursework comprising a year's work for a student are immaterial. It was just a minor detail that you left your job and the company with two sets of exam scripts and coursework, one completely unbeknownst to you, in your bag. That student will be overjoyed that a year's work has been lost for two subjects. Of course they will resume working next academic year with renewed vigour and trust in their tutor.
I wish you all the best in your endeavours at your new job and hope that your employers will esteem you for your true worth.
Yours,
A defeated colleague
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
Dear near neighbour,
Your introductions have come a little late in the day, but we have all been enjoying getting to know you through your various relatives, friends and assorted acquaintances.
The idea of becoming acquainted through sharing footwear across our back garden was novel. Equally charming has been the hope that we could all have a fabulous time together by casually strolling in and out of each other's gated front gardens. We do all genuinely appreciate the problem of rubbish collections but would be grateful if you could just remember replace the lids of other people's bins? Thank you so very much indeed Xx
We are all utterly thrilled to hear the charming trills of your youngster's song along our street and eleven o'clock at night is (as you say) an interesting time to contemplate such matters. Indeed, i wonder if La Traviata at seven am would be helpful?
Do get back to me, i am sure this could be arranged, gratis.
EA
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear distant colleague,
It is always such a pleasure working with you. Other people are in the habit of expressing their appreciation for my analytical skills and grappling with any questions that I raise, so it is always refreshing to have you convey that your views are inherently correct (by peppering sentences with words like "clearly" and "obvious") and give the impression that I am a complete idiot for not immediately agreeing with you.
I now recognise that your law degree is a true law degree, whereas mine was in fact a typing course in disguise.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Angel Wrestler
Ship's Hipster
# 13673
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Posted
I actually *did* write a passive-aggressive note and put it on the windshield of a Cadillac Escalade.
The circumstance: we live in an apartment complex and parking can be tight. Our complex has a nice pool and deck area and sometimes residents hold pool parties and cook-outs there. I don't mind those; they're tame and don't last into the night and no one is blaring music. However, when guests from outside come to the parties, they take up the paying peoples' spaces! In this place, most folks are driving older Toyotas and cars like that. Practical and inexpensive, so it's extremely unlikely that any resident would own an Escalade - and even so they'd walk to the pool party rather than drive.
The note I left (I'm not sure if it's a confession or a brag): "Can I have your autograph? I'd love to have the autograph of someone who is important enough to take two spaces to park when they don't even live here." ... and I drove around to find someplace else to park.
I hate when people park straddling the parking space lines ... and I hate even more when I don't have a place to park where I fucking live.
[ 09. August 2015, 01:25: Message edited by: Angel Wrestler ]
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The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
(unknown)
Posts: 2767 | From: half-way up the ladder | Registered: May 2008
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear biscuit manufacturers, it is so encouraging to find that you regularly review your products to see if they can be improved, and, should you come to the conclusion that they can, you take steps to do so, announcing the change with the flash "New Recipe". However, when you have had a product selling on the way that it is coated with a layer of coffee icing (or glaze as you describe it) a few mm thick, and which has been two bite sized, it seems an odd improvement to change it to a product which gives the impression of ingesting a baked version of an SD card slightly coated with a faint taste of coffee. I'm not sure in which world this would be regarded as an improvement, but I am afraid you have lost a customer in this one.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
To the NZ Deerstalkers.
It was really kind of you to use your skills to help the Department of Conservation cull the pukeko from an island sanctuary so that the rare and endangered takahe can thrive there. It is critical that this be done as pukeko are numerous and compete with the takahe for food. As the birds have similar colouring the idea was to shoot them in the air as pukeko can fly, whereas takehe can't.
Thank you too for the apology you tendered to the Department of Conservation and NZ bird lovers for the 6 Takahe that you shot. I guess the safety message about identifying your target before it is one you need to do a bit of work on. And no thanks, we don't want you anywhere near kakapo or kiwi.
Huia ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Soror Magna
Shipmate
# 9881
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Posted
I've always had a bit of admiration for dumpster divers... they are incredibly hard workers doing a very yucky job that is profitable because the rest of us are so wasteful.
So I'm glad that one of my neighbours was able to arrange for me to have that experience of being a dumpster diver. See, when I went to take my garbage out this evening, our dumpster was FULL with a shoji screen and a bunch of folding chairs. (There was also an office chair left beside the dumpster - that was no fun.)
So I recruited a fellow neighbour, put on my work gloves (oh, did I mention I was in my nightie and flipflops doing laundry when this awesome opportunity came to me?), and we hauled not just a shoji screen, but two folding chairs, A BUNK BED
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"You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean." -- Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
Posts: 5430 | From: Caprica City | Registered: Jul 2005
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Soror Magna
Shipmate
# 9881
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Posted
I've always had a bit of admiration for dumpster divers... they are incredibly hard workers doing a very yucky job that is profitable because the rest of us are so wasteful.
So I'm glad that one of my neighbours was able to arrange for me to have that experience of being a dumpster diver. See, when I went to take my garbage out this evening, our dumpster was FULL with a shoji screen and a bunch of folding chairs. There was also an office chair left beside the dumpster - that was no fun - too easy! - AND several bags of garbage too, as the dumpster was full.
So I recruited a neighbour, put on my work gloves (oh, did I mention I was in my nightie and flipflops doing laundry when this awesome opportunity came to me?), and we hauled not just a shoji screen, but two folding chairs, the frame of A FUCKING BUNK BED and a set of luggage. (No body. That's a relief.) And then we were able to put the garbage where it belonged.
So, dear neighbour, thanks for the unique experience. Now there's space for everybody else's garbage in the dumpster and you get to look at your junk on your way out of the parkade tomorrow morning and be reminded that you are a worthless irresponsible lazy piece of shit.
ETA: ARGH. I'm so infuriated I screwed up my post.
[ 26. August 2015, 02:35: Message edited by: Soror Magna ]
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"You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean." -- Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
Posts: 5430 | From: Caprica City | Registered: Jul 2005
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear cable company. Since you took over my phone service, the caller display, for which I am paying, has only worked for half the time. I am very grateful for the rapid way you have sought to restore it each time, and especially for the way your engineer came last week to apologise. She explained that it was your software suppliers and the matter was being pursued.
After she left, I collated all the dates at which it went off and returned, and noticed a pattern, which enabled me to predict that it would be off again today. (I did have a thought that it might have been the heavy rain, but further checking reveals that it cannot be that.) It goes off every alternate Wednesday. (I cannot be entirely sure about the fortnight I was away, but it is suspicious that I have no records of missed calls for that period.)
So, today, having sadly found my prediction to have been fulfilled, and armed with my dates list, I rang your call centre, and for the first time, I am not so pleased with your response. Once again, I am going to have to stay in awaiting an engineer, merely to check if whatever they have done up at the box has worked. I suspect it would work if all they did was to kick it and say Ouch, because it always comes back on a week after it goes off. I appreciate that your centre staff may not have access to the whole sequence of events in a way that makes the pattern clear, but I would appreciate it more if you would accept that I was trying to give you some useful information. At the very least, you could have someone ready at the box to put it back on as soon as it goes off. Every alternate Wednesday at noon should do it.
[ 26. August 2015, 14:00: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Royal Mail, I am so pleased that you made a very prompt delivery of her birthday gift to my niece in South Wales. It is so good when First Class really lives up to its name, and she was very pleased with the hand turned wooden box I had brought from the Faroes. Sadly, her sister in South London has not received her very similar gift, which I could, of course, have delivered myself, but entrusted to you at the same time as the Welsh gift, also first class.
I do have a certificate of postage for each item, but I am now told by the outpost of the Post Office where I handed them in that they can do nothing to investigate that matter, and I should have used Special Delivery with a tracking number.
No I shouldn't. First Class Delivery should mean that things are delivered, next day, not left still undelivered 20 days later.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Dear valued private sector partner,
We are grateful that it only took you four days to arrange our extremely urgent assessment, that you originally told us you could do within 24hrs. We were so relieved to hear, when you arrived at 5:45pm for your 3pm appointment, that it was only because you set off at 3:15 that you were delayed - rather than by the labyrinthine roadworks or horrific car crash we feared when we heard nothing.
We are entirely confident that the feedback on the outcome of the assessment by 5pm tomorrow will materialise.
Yours patiently,
Some NHS staff with 9-5 contracts
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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