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» Ship of Fools   »   » Oblivion   » The Trainee Christian Minister's Rule Book (Page 2)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: The Trainee Christian Minister's Rule Book
Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by gog:
quote:
Even without experience or direct training you will be expected to provide IT support on all church related matters
From the Addendum to ministerial training: the real stuff that there was no time for in training
You will also be expected to:

  • Project manage construction projects
  • Sort out the finances and the budget in the absense (and sometimes the presence!) of the treasurer
  • Clean the church and the grounds, including the loos
  • Organise the church pot luck
  • Garden
  • Church repairs, either by doing them yourself or finding a suitable tradesperson
  • Various other jobs that no one else in the congregation fancies doing but need to be done

Companion volumes to the Addendum to ministerial training: the real stuff that there was no time for in training include, My ever expanding job description aka Real Life Ministry plus practical volumes such as Bodge it in Excel! Church Finances For Beginners and The Reader's Digest Book of DIY for Clergy.

There are also volumes for Minister's wives such as Never Made a Cake in My Life and Flower Arranging: From Beginner to Expert in a Week

Tubbs

--------------------
"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275

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Sirens attract you with their breathtaking singing.

Choirs trap you with their stubbornness.

--------------------
If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
The Vicar's Wife Big Survival Handbook. Or How I Learnt to Worship God, Love People and Stop Worrying. With the Aid of GIN.

How one (fictitious) pastor's wife survived
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Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696

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quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.

--------------------
a theological scrapbook

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Returning the greeting with such sallies as, "How's it hanging, sugarballs?" is strongly unadvised. Life ain't fair.
-ibid.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829

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You will arrive in your new parish to find that the PCC have wound up the bellringers by generally knowing better than them how the (less than safe) access to the belfry works, demanding their own access despite claiming to be restricting it to essential visitors etc etc etc, and you will have to sort the mess out. What joy! And you thought the flower ladies were bad....

AG

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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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(Depatment of internal parochial warfare}

I waited 23 years to snitch the laminated tablecloth with the pretty elephant design from the vestry, but it was mine in the end!

I made a donation of course

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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ExclamationMark
Shipmate
# 14715

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Postscript to "Ministry for Pessimists"

Prepare to be surprised and humbled. The greatest blessings come through the most unexpected people and circumstances.

It ain't that bad - you could be picking brussels sprouts in East Anglia on a cold winter's morning with a biting east wind.

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Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.
Especially when the aforementioned parishioner has a guide dog.

--------------------
It is better to be Kind than right.

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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

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quote:
Originally posted by ExclamationMark:
Postscript to "Ministry for Pessimists"

...It ain't that bad - you could be picking brussels sprouts in East Anglia on a cold winter's morning with a biting east wind.

I think that's something many of us in comparatively sedentary and intellectual occupations could usefully remember when we are tempted to whinge.

--------------------
My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

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mr cheesy
Shipmate
# 3330

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quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.
Scribbled into the margin by a nameless wag, probably now Archbishop

quote:
If the bride does it during the wedding, you know it already is over..


[ 16. June 2015, 12:42: Message edited by: mr cheesy ]

--------------------
arse

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Beeswax Altar
Shipmate
# 11644

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quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.
No parishioner of mine has ever greeted me with Hello Gorgeous...not a single one...ever. [Tear]

--------------------
Losing sleep is something you want to avoid, if possible.
-Og: King of Bashan

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Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696

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quote:
Originally posted by mr cheesy:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.
Scribbled into the margin by a nameless wag, probably now Archbishop


Half blood prince - eat your heart out

--------------------
a theological scrapbook

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Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696

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quote:
Try and use culturally and contextually appropriate language at parish council meetings. Saying a particular decision will probably "come back to bite me in the ass" during your report will not endear you to the bourgeoisie.
- The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 71. Rule 230.

/groan.

I should probably start a blog.

--------------------
a theological scrapbook

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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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True, but saying something like "In my opinion, this is a proleptic and eschatologcal opportunity which the Pneuma of God exhorts us to treat as a Kairos moment for ontological change in our understanding of the Kerygma" doesn't go down too well, either.
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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I dunno, in some circles that might get you a blowjob.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Oscar the Grouch

Adopted Cascadian
# 1916

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quote:
Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.
No parishioner of mine has ever greeted me with Hello Gorgeous...not a single one...ever. [Tear]
Move to Devon.

The traditional greeting there is "Hello, my lover!" The first time that a drop-dead gorgeous 20 something woman says it to you, you'll feel 10 feet tall.

--------------------
Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu

Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Oscar the Grouch

Adopted Cascadian
# 1916

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quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
quote:
Originally posted by gog:
quote:
Even without experience or direct training you will be expected to provide IT support on all church related matters
From the Addendum to ministerial training: the real stuff that there was no time for in training
You will also be expected to:

  • Project manage construction projects
  • Sort out the finances and the budget in the absense (and sometimes the presence!) of the treasurer
  • Clean the church and the grounds, including the loos
  • Organise the church pot luck
  • Garden
  • Church repairs, either by doing them yourself or finding a suitable tradesperson
  • Various other jobs that no one else in the congregation fancies doing but need to be done


You forgot "You will spend about 25% of your time moving chairs."

How could you forget that? What kind of person are you? Do you not CARE that I broke my fingernail moving all those chairs just so that you could have your bloody pot-luck supper?

quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
We've had "Who Should Be Allowed to Read from the Bible at the Carol Service".

Tubbs

Groan. Have you been at the same church as me?

--------------------
Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu

Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Drifting Star

Drifting against the wind
# 12799

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quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
quote:
Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Don't bridle when a parishioner greets you with "Hello Gorgeous". The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70. Rule 201.
No parishioner of mine has ever greeted me with Hello Gorgeous...not a single one...ever. [Tear]
Move to Devon.

The traditional greeting there is "Hello, my lover!" The first time that a drop-dead gorgeous 20 something woman says it to you, you'll feel 10 feet tall.

However, when a 60-something ferryman says it to your husband you may not have quite the same reaction.

--------------------
The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus

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Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
True, but saying something like "In my opinion, this is a proleptic and eschatologcal opportunity which the Pneuma of God exhorts us to treat as a Kairos moment for ontological change in our understanding of the Kerygma" doesn't go down too well, either.

[Killing me]

--------------------
a theological scrapbook

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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Thank you. Such a comment in a PCC meeting is likely to provoke a stunned silence followed by someone saying, "Er ... that's all very well, but the door in the gents' toilet is still sticking and no-one's done anything about it".
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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
True, but saying something like "In my opinion, this is a proleptic and eschatologcal opportunity which the Pneuma of God exhorts us to treat as a Kairos moment for ontological change in our understanding of the Kerygma" doesn't go down too well, either.

One of the Ministers at an old church did. Once a Principal of a Bible College, always a Principal of a Bible College. There were times when you did feel like a third year theology graduate. [Biased]

Tubbs

--------------------
"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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HCH
Shipmate
# 14313

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I think that if Baptist Trainfan is going to say things in a foreign language, a translation should be provided.
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Not if he doesn't know what it means and is just showing off ...
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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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quote:
There are books written about how to run a well-thought through stewardship campaign but you can ignore them. A sermon and a leaflet on making your will is quite sufficient. In the sermon, say exactly what you feel; if you or your church needs lots of money say so loud and clear, there is no need to explain what you need it for. Don't bother to mention time or other non-financial gifts that your congregation might offer to the church, as they are clearly valueless.

Some might think that talking about making a will to a largely elderly congregation could be tactless, but don't let that bother you. Likewise if a member of the congregation, whom you know suffers from depression, informs you that the sermon caused him to feel suicidal ideation, don't worry. You did not intend to imply that he was worth more to you dead than alive, so you bear no responsibility at all and there is no reason why you should apologise.

Note: when preaching on this important topic, there is no need to mention any of the Bible readings for the day (but of course it is not important enough to justify ignoring the lectionary and choosing appropriate readings).

The Bluffer's Guide to Stewardship

--------------------
"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69

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quote:
Originally posted by JoannaP:
quote:
There are books written about how to run a well-thought through stewardship campaign but you can ignore them. A sermon and a leaflet on making your will is quite sufficient. In the sermon, say exactly what you feel; if you or your church needs lots of money say so loud and clear, there is no need to explain what you need it for. Don't bother to mention time or other non-financial gifts that your congregation might offer to the church, as they are clearly valueless.

Some might think that talking about making a will to a largely elderly congregation could be tactless, but don't let that bother you. Likewise if a member of the congregation, whom you know suffers from depression, informs you that the sermon caused him to feel suicidal ideation, don't worry. You did not intend to imply that he was worth more to you dead than alive, so you bear no responsibility at all and there is no reason why you should apologise.

Note: when preaching on this important topic, there is no need to mention any of the Bible readings for the day (but of course it is not important enough to justify ignoring the lectionary and choosing appropriate readings).

The Bluffer's Guide to Stewardship
From The Bluffer's Guide to Stewardship: Anglican Version: Anglicized Edition -

Stewardship is not an issue about which you need worry your congregation. The Lord has provided the Church Commissioners* who, despite their constant prognostications of doom, have control of resources only slightly less than those of the World Bank. In case of emergency, there will always be money available from somewhere to mend the roof/fix the window/rebuild the church, unless you wish to do something radical** in which case - you're on your own, sunshine.

* Unless you are unfortunate enough to be in a 'daughter' church (Wales, Scotland, Ireland) - then you could try busking

** Toilets, level access, sound system - if it was good enough for Richard Hooker, it should be good enough for you.

--------------------
"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken

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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Please note: the above advice does not apply to Methodists, Baptists, Pentecostals, Congregationalists, Independents, Presbyterians, Friends, Brethren, Adventists, Salvationists .... (insert as appropriate) .... who wouldn't know what a Church Commissioner was even if it leaped up and bit them in the face.

And English Heritage/Historic England will not be your friend.

[ 26. June 2015, 20:34: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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But if you buy this book, you will have a pure and trouble free existence as a minister (trust me, I buy it for all new clergy). Just don't follow his dress sense....

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
Please note: the above advice does not apply to Methodists, Baptists, Pentecostals, Congregationalists, Independents, Presbyterians, Friends, Brethren, Adventists, Salvationists .... (insert as appropriate) .... who wouldn't know what a Church Commissioner was even if it leaped up and bit them in the face.

And English Heritage/Historic England will not be your friend.

Hence why I quoted from the 'Anglican Version' [Razz]

--------------------
"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken

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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Yes, I noticed that - but too late!
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev per Minute:
From The Bluffer's Guide to Stewardship: Anglican Version: Anglicized Edition -

Stewardship is not an issue about which you need worry your congregation. The Lord has provided the Church Commissioners* who, despite their constant prognostications of doom, have control of resources only slightly less than those of the World Bank. In case of emergency, there will always be money available from somewhere to mend the roof/fix the window/rebuild the church, unless you wish to do something radical** in which case - you're on your own, sunshine.

* Unless you are unfortunate enough to be in a 'daughter' church (Wales, Scotland, Ireland) - then you could try busking

** Toilets, level access, sound system - if it was good enough for Richard Hooker, it should be good enough for you.

If only... [Frown]

--------------------
"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

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Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696

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quote:
Don't suggest jokingly to an ex parishioner on the telephone that they sound like they might be a difficult patient after they have discarded the two consultant physicians looking after them in hospital by taking out their names above the bed and crumpling them on the floor and were in limbo waiting for another one. They might just hang up on you.

On the other hand, it could be that their hearing aid wasn't in when you woke them from a deep sleep.


- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 70, Rule #1,500"

quote:
DO mention to selectors that you've won another academic award. They love that shit.
- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 150, Rule #7,004"

--------------------
a theological scrapbook

Posts: 9481 | From: Australia | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged
Oscar the Grouch

Adopted Cascadian
# 1916

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quote:
When you are on holiday, you should plan to phone your training incumbent at least once a week, so that they can keep you informed of all the latest developments in the life of the church.
"Instruction Manual for newly ordained curates" Chapter 25, paragraph 14

(Well - it's what MY bloody training incumbent made me do. And I looked like a right fool standing in a telephone booth in the middle of rural Wales, discussing pastoral matters for half an hour.)

--------------------
Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu

Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
leo
Shipmate
# 1458

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That is abuse - holidays are holidays.

Clergy, of all people, should keep Sabbath.

--------------------
My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Oscar the Grouch

Adopted Cascadian
# 1916

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quote:
Originally posted by leo:
That is abuse - holidays are holidays.

Clergy, of all people, should keep Sabbath.

But this was a guy who never took a day off (and was - for almost 4 years - deeply resentful of the fact that I always took my day off). He was also a guy whose idea of a holiday was to spend two weeks at a Christian hotel, "ministering" to the guests.

--------------------
Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu

Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
I looked like a right fool standing in a telephone booth in the middle of rural Wales, discussing pastoral matters for half an hour.)

Couldn't you have said that you had run out of coins, couldn't read the phone's number on the dial because it had been vandalised, and couldn't get through to the operator to reverse the charges?

I have just upset a church member by refusing to go to a dinner they'd arranged at a time when I'm on holiday. Unfortunately I fell into their trap: "Even though you're on holiday, are you actually away on that day?" and had to dig myself out after I admitted that I was indeed "around".

[ 06. August 2015, 16:22: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
Oscar the Grouch

Adopted Cascadian
# 1916

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
I looked like a right fool standing in a telephone booth in the middle of rural Wales, discussing pastoral matters for half an hour.)

Couldn't you have said that you had run out of coins, couldn't read the phone's number on the dial because it had been vandalised, and couldn't get through to the operator to reverse the charges?
I could have done - but then I would have had to put up with his endless whining for the next couple of months. This was actually a compromise - his original demand was that I phone in every couple of days.

quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
I have just upset a church member by refusing to go to a dinner they'd arranged at a time when I'm on holiday. Unfortunately I fell into their trap: "Even though you're on holiday, are you actually away on that day?" and had to dig myself out after I admitted that I was indeed "around".

Mmmm. Over time, I've developed the habit of being incredibly vague about my diary to church members. I will tell people that I'm "away" - even if "away" merely means "away from church stuff". I will tell people that my diary is full that evening - "full" meaning I've arranged to spend the evening having a meal out with friends. Or even "full" as in "I'm staying in and watching TV and relaxing for once".

So I make it a habit to never say WHY my diary prevents me from attending their particular event. It just does.

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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu

Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Yes - that was where I got it badly wrong.

After 28 years in the ministry, you'd have thought I'd learned better than that! [Hot and Hormonal]

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Yeah, I've learned also to say sweetly, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry, I have commitments that day" and if they inquire what those commitments are, I say, "I'd probably better not talk about that" and leave them to infer that there's something confidential going on. If they keep hassling me, I say "I wouldn't talk to other people about your stuff, would I?" Which always shuts them up.

It's perfectly valid for me to have a commitment to my family or even to myself (and a good book and a bowl of popcorn).

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Oscar the Grouch

Adopted Cascadian
# 1916

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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
It's perfectly valid for me to have a commitment to my family or even to myself (and a good book and a bowl of popcorn).

Yes! Yes! Yes!!!

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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu

Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668

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The sound man can be a vengeful swine. Switch off the wireless microphone before using the toilet!

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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)

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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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And before hearing Confessions.
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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And before commenting on the awful singing...

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505

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Always, always take time to thank your 'minions', even if they have not done what you had imagined they would....

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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.

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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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Never cross the Organist, the folk on the Coffee Rota or the Flower Arrangers. (At least we Baptists don't have to worry about the Altar Guild!)
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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Be clear about a) what is paid for by the church and b) what is paid for by you and c) what the implications of b) are when filling in your tax return. What saves you money today may screw you over later when you have to declare it. Whatever your spouse says about stuff the church should blooming well pay for ...!

Tubbs

[ 18. September 2015, 14:26: Message edited by: Tubbs ]

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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