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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Dogs from hell
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck. My fucking dog just managed to a) shit on the floor, b) step in it, c) climb the unclimbable couch and track shit across it--right before the relatives come for fucking Thanksgiving. I don't think we're having turkey this year.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
There's a lot to be said for having cats.
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
You've basically made me reminisce about my favourite episode of "Mad About You", so well done.
They didn't have poop, but they did have dog and turkey problems.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
I don't think we're having turkey this year.
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Isn't the choice to make a miserable violation of a wolf-descendent live trapped in your home basically signing up for some faeces smeared across the communal den?
I bet you get annoyed with it when it fails to understand English, even when spoken loudly. "Spot, come here. Here, Spot, right now! SPOT! Come here!"
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
It thought she was telling it to leave spots. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
They say dogs take on the traits of their owners.
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
My dog always stays outside.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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JonahMan
Shipmate
# 12126
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
There's a lot to be said for having cats.
Yeah, well one of our cats decided to wee in an expensive bassoon case the other day, it having been left in the open for about 10 milliseconds, in spite of the fact that said cat had never ever excreted anywhere except in the litter tray or outside before.
Still, you don't have to take cats for walks in the rain.
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Thank God for the aged
And old age itself, and illness and the grave
For when you're old, or ill and particularly in the coffin
It's no trouble to behave
Posts: 914 | From: Planet Zog | Registered: Dec 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
Bummerama.
My granddog once came in wearing a dead squirrel hat. He found a (long) dead squirrel and managed to get it on top of his head. He was so proud.
Our cat has taken to pissing on the bed when she is upset; sometimes with my wife underneath her. And, although I keep trying, for some reason the owl that lives in our yard has yet to notice the cat as a food source.
At least the granddog makes up for his occasional faux pas by being affectionate. The cat - I may take up violin.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
That's pretty rude LC. Our previous dog liked to eat the cat's poo. Then come and want to lick our faces. There's nothing quite like poopy dog breath, well I suppose humping your leg comes close. It's a great icebreaker with people you're trying to impress.
The current dog had diarrhoea and took to wiping her back end on the carpet, propelling herself forward with front legs, creating a nice streaky carpet, which the cat was quite interested in. We no longer have carpets.
Like children, dogs are parasites with their redeeming quality to be love.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
I am led to believe that vets charge for 'putting pets to sleep', but that the cost is less than that of refurnishing/cleaning/recarpeting your home....
I.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
LC, as a fellow dog-owner I guess my first reaction should be 'Aw, poor you!' But, dogs, shit, vomit, urine and finding said animal and substances in various inappropriate places is part of the penalty, as Rook says, for the evolutionary arrogance of letting wolves get too close to the camp fire.
My lurcher has to be supervised when both my dogs go poop-poop, as he sits patiently waiting for the greyhound to defecate, and then makes a dive to gobble it up while it's still hot. Yummy! And just recently I spent the night superintending the lurcher's epic vomit-athon, as he trotted from room to room and without warning began boaking everything up; going out to the back yard to swallow grass, return and regurgitate it all over his bed, my bed, the carpet - only to repeat the cycle, literally ad nauseum, for a fun-filled evening of kitchen roll, floor cloth and dog-cleansing spray activities. And all the time he still looks up at me as if to say, 'But you don't mind, do you, Mum? Hey, will I finish off that toast for you - and what about those biscuits... and that plate needs licking, and these dead insects under the sofa look nice and crunchy...'
The greyhound has a habit of pooping and then walking backwards through it, or using his two back legs to 'pretend-bury' his little parcel of joy, and in the process flicking it all over the gaff with his feet. As I'm usually trying to bag it up by this stage, this is a risky but no doubt, to the neighbours, fun-to-watch maneuvre.
Tortuf, I love the image of the dog with the dead-squirrel hat. My first dog lived for those walks when she could roll orgasmically in fresh, preferably liquid, fox faeces. The look of smug happy achievement on her face as she stood dripping in crap was a sight to behold!
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
Thank you all sooooo much for these edifying word-pictures........
I.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
You guys have heard of pet behaviour specialist right ? Some pet insurers will even pay for them ...
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
Like children, dogs are parasites with their redeeming quality to be love.
I took a life insurance physical a few years ago, and my blood pressure was about perfect. The nurse commented on it, and I marked it up to giving the dog lots of belly rubs.
He responded: "Isn't it funny how having a dog is both the cause of endless stress and the best way to relieve stress at the end of the day." Truer words, as they say...
(I will say this for kids: I would much rather hang out at the children's book group at the library than a dog park, because parents are far less judgmental that dog owners. My daughter can accidentally smack another kid in the face with a book, all I have to do is make an apologetic face and everyone generally appreciates it as an accident. But if your dog so much as sniffs the wrong dog at the dog park, you get read the riot act.)
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
I am so glad I only have gerbils and fish.
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I am so glad I only have gerbils and fish.
Except for the leg humping.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
Ever had your leg humped by a gerbil? It's hilarious.
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
I took a life insurance physical a few years ago, and my blood pressure was about perfect. The nurse commented on it, and I marked it up to giving the dog lots of belly rubs.
He responded: "Isn't it funny how having a dog is both the cause of endless stress and the best way to relieve stress at the end of the day." Truer words, as they say...
I've had two different doctors, performing different procedures*, get me to relax by talking to me about my dog. It worked.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
*You don't want to know either of them.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I am so glad I only have gerbils and fish.
I would have thought gerbils to be too small for your taste. And I assume that the fish is a haddock.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
I would have thought gerbils to be too small for your taste.
The internet is full of stories (most of them unsubstantiated) about those who quite enjoy gerbils.
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Pine Marten
Shipmate
# 11068
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Posted
Just popping in to say this is the most hilarious thread I've read in a while
I am owned by cats.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. - Oscar Wilde
Posts: 1731 | From: Isle of Albion | Registered: Feb 2006
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
You guys have heard of pet behaviour specialist right ? Some pet insurers will even pay for them ...
I'd love to see someone go all dog-whisperer on my two! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) Though I don't think my particular insurance covers it. TBH, so long as they're not chewing the legs off my visitors, I think my mutts pretty much behave acceptably, and according to their doggy nature. I've been very fortunate.
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I am so glad I only have gerbils and fish.
I would have thought gerbils to be too small for your taste. And I assume that the fish is a haddock.
I wouldn't dream of eating my gerbils!
Neither would I dream of breeding them to create my own muridaean army of the night. Not at all.
...muahahahahaha. And so forth.
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
It should be obvious from context but don't let me stop you.
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Athrawes
Ship's parrot
# 9594
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Posted
Please don't go there, LC. Some of us are sick.
I am home from work with a stomach bug. I have an elderly toy poodle sitting on my abdomen, strenuously resisting all attempts to move him. I am surrounded by the stuffing from several dismembered dog toys. The lambie slaughterer is lying at my feet, trying to get me interested in destroying another one, since that always makes him feel better. The blind one has decided that caring for the human does not feature on his To Do list, and is hiding under the bed.
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Explaining why is going to need a moment, since along the way we must take in the Ancient Greeks, the study of birds, witchcraft, 19thC Vaudeville and the history of baseball. Michael Quinion.
Posts: 2966 | From: somewhere with a book shop | Registered: Jun 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
I'm sick too, though nobody's started bringing me slaughtered sacrifices as of yet. The puppy is of the opinion that I should be climbed like a tree.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I wouldn't dream of eating my gerbils!
Oh. You employ them for their Other Use. Poor little wretches.
Now I can't get "ARMAGEDDON![NSFW]" out of my head.
[hostly edit: I'm sticking an nsfw tag on this. For obvious reasons, but there might be someone out there who hasn't worked it out.]
[ 25. November 2015, 11:10: Message edited by: Doc Tor ]
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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molopata
The Ship's jack
# 9933
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Posted
You can also cook and eat dogs.
Just sayin'. Happy Thanksgiving.
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... The Respectable
Posts: 1718 | From: the abode of my w@ndering mind | Registered: Aug 2005
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Marvin: quote:
Neither would I dream of breeding them to create my own muridaean army of the night. Not at all.
How very last century. Our gerbils are busy building a doomsday machine under their bedding.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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